Mike & Molly s04e05 Episode Script

Okay, keep going, keep going, keep going.
Oh all right.
Swivel it, swivel it.
I'm wedged between a washing machine and a toboggan.
Swiveling's not an option.
Then, well, just Then rotate it.
Rotate is the same as swivel! Can you just push it.
Wait, no! Swivel it, swivel it! Oh, did I do that? Let's just take a little break.
I don't see why we have to move back upstairs.
Mike, we already discussed this.
Discussed? You said, "Help me with this mattress.
" I thought we were just flipping it to give you my divot for a while.
Really? Drinking in the morning? We're moving.
You drink beer when you move.
All right, split it with me.
Too late.
All right.
Come on, we tried living in the basement.
It didn't work out.
For who? I love it down there.
No, you don't.
It's dark and damp, and it's like sleeping in a cave.
Hey, it works for bears.
If I didn't have a job, you wouldn't see me till spring.
Upstairs is gonna be light and airy.
You're gonna feel energized and creative.
I don't want to feel any of those things.
I just want to have reasonably effective sex with my wife and go to sleep.
Well, imagine that and a window.
Am I allowed to ask how the book's coming? Sure, of course.
But I shouldn't, right? I wouldn't.
I mean, how is this thing getting heavier? Are you lifting at all? I'm trying, but my ass is about to take out half your family photos.
Well, who cares? We'll make new memories.
Let's lift on three.
One, two Did I do that? I'm gonna need another beer.
La, la-ba-dee-da La, la-ba-dee-da For the first time in my life I see love I see love For the first time in my life I see love All right, computer.
Let's me and you write a bestseller.
Oh, that's Oh, God! That seems a little high there.
Let's just Ah, there we go.
Ooh, that's No, no All right, let's That's better.
Yeah.
Oof! Gee Okay.
No, let's see.
You know what All right, you were great.
Hey, look at this.
Good for me.
Working on my core.
Okay.
Ooh! All right, all right.
All right.
Aah! All right, all right, all right.
Just got to brace myself.
Got to brace.
Got to brace my self.
Oh, for God sakes.
Stupid thing.
Out of here Hey.
Yeah, hey! Yeah.
Welcome back to the neighborhood.
Thanks.
I got to tell you.
I-I kind of miss having to listen to your husband take a leak every night at 2:00 in the morning.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know, I know.
No, we're trying to He's gonna get it checked out.
Am I allowed to ask how the book is coming? Yeah, of course.
Should I? I wouldn't.
What the hell is O'Donnell doing down there? What? Looks like he's throwing out a whole closetful of his wife's dresses.
Huh.
It's weird, I-I can't even remember the last time I saw his wife.
Or heard her.
She was always screaming at him about something.
Yeah, you're right, it has been real quiet over there.
Well, you're the writer.
Why does a man throw out his wife's clothes? Oh, I don't know, I've only been writing a couple of weeks, um Maybe she doesn't want them anymore.
Maybe she's not around to wear them anymore.
Maybe she's not alive to wear them anymore.
Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck! Harry, I thought you were lactose intolerant.
Like you wouldn't believe.
Yeah, well, that onion dip is loaded with dairy.
Really? Well, I came here to gamble.
How would you guys feel about raising the stakes? What's wrong with quarter, nickel, dime? Nothing, if we're trying to cycle up our periods.
Let's keep the stakes low.
I sent all my money to a starving family in Africa.
My own.
Just keep the stakes where they are.
I just want to sit and relax.
I've been running up and down stairs all day.
Oh, your pee-pee problem again? You got to get that looked at.
No, I was moving.
Molly thinks putting our bedroom upstairs is better for her writing.
Oh, how's that coming along? I don't know, we kind of have a "don't ask, don't ask" policy.
Are we playing cards, ladies, or talking? Put up your big blind, Harry.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm Deal me out! Oh, God! What'd I miss? He's still in the back room.
Oh, I've been in enough back rooms to know nothing good ever happens there.
Oh, oh, oh, ooh! He's on the move.
He's dragging a big box into the dining room.
That son of a bitch.
What? How does he have a dining room? I thought we had the same floor plan.
Okay, he's left the box, now he's headed Ooh, he's heading toward the bedroom.
He better not have a walk-in closet.
Okay, okay, okay.
Now he's taking off his pants.
Boxers? Briefs.
Ooh, this guy is throwing up red flags everywhere.
Okay, he's walking towards the bed.
He's walking towards the bed, and Yeah, he's taking a nap.
Sweet dreams, you sick bastard.
You know what? Let's go over what we know so far, okay? Subject was seen throwing out an armful of dresses still on the hangers.
Ugly dresses.
I agree, but that's conjecture.
We're gonna build this case on facts.
Yeah.
He was moving around an awful lot of boxes.
Ooh, boxes.
And still no sign of the wife.
"Wife, question mark.
" Devil's advocate.
Okay.
What if she left him? Way ahead of you.
Then why wouldn't she bring her ugly dresses, huh? And what about the dog? Oh! What about the dog? God, she wouldn't have left that.
But how do we know it's her dog? 'Cause it's a little, yappy thing wearing a sweater.
What kind of man has a dog like that? A gay man.
Interesting.
"Gay, question mark.
" Ooh, quiet neighbor realizes late in life that he enjoys the company of another man.
She finds out his little secret.
Maybe she caught Maybe she caught him wearing one of her ugly dresses! She's furious.
There's a fight.
Slap turns into a shove.
That turns into a fall down the stairs.
He panics.
He has to get rid of the body.
He's got to chop her up into little bits and put her into little nondescript boxes! God, that butcher thinks he's gonna get away with it.
Or maybe he's just moving.
Is "moving" on the board? Is "moving" on the board? God! Let's stick to the facts! I really don't like the idea of you going over there.
I'm just sniffing around while he's sleeping.
What exactly are you looking for? I don't know.
Ooh, a dead woman would really help our case.
Be careful, baby.
All right, don't get soft on me, Joyce, okay? I need you to watch my 6:00.
I'm going in hot! Go look in the window.
Hello? Hi Hi.
Hey! I I'll take those.
Don't you live next door? I do.
And I'm here picking up Mr.
O'Donnell's mail while he's out of town.
Really? 'Cause I saw him at the gym this morning.
Well I mean, if you're going on vacation, you got to get into shape to look good in that swimsuit, right? Yeah, you do.
Well.
Okay, keep it up! Why the postal serce is going in the crapper.
Who we spying on? I'm watching your sister swipe the neighbor's mail.
Isn't it bad enough we steal his Wi-Fi? Shut Junk, junk.
Ooh-hoo-hoo.
Air Mexicano.
I think somebody's going to Mexico.
Oh, or getting a pre-approved credit card.
Oh, no! O'Donnell's awake.
We got to warn her.
I got this.
Ca-caw, ca-caw! Molly, I said, "Ca-caw, ca-caw"" Ms.
Flynn? Ooh, hey, neighbor.
Got your mail by mistake.
Okay, everybody checked.
Here comes the turn.
Two of clubs, a brick.
Helps nobody.
Action's on you, Dairy Queen.
What's wild again? Nothing.
Not even threes? No.
I fold.
So, Mike, what's it like being married to a writer? I couldn't tell you.
She really hasn't written anything yet.
Besides a little porn.
Whatever.
She's been at it for three weeks.
It takes me a month to read a book.
I should give her at least that long for to write one.
Well, you're a better man than me.
Nobody questions that.
My point is as long as she's doing this writing nonsense, you're on your own to pay the bills.
You know, at some point, you're gonna have to give Molly a deadline, you know? If she doesn't make any money at being a writer, then she's got to go get a real job.
I guess a deadline couldn't hurt.
Really? Are you that stupid? What? You're gonna take advice from a guy who moved out of his grandma's house at 37 years old? Hey, hey, hey, that woman's got a spa tub.
That's not something you just walk away from.
Don't listen to any of these clowns.
They don't know anything about marriage.
When's the last time any of you even had a date with a woman? I know your excuse.
Hey, man, I'm just trying to give this man some advice.
You want advice? Keep your mouth shut, your head down and thank God every day that a woman will lay beside you in bed.
I do like having a woman lie beside me.
I'm gonna get another drink.
Anybody need anything? Weren't you wearing jeans before? Are those my sweatpants? I don't think so.
That was close.
Close? He caught you in his bushes.
Yes.
He did, and when he helped me up, we locked eyes.
And I knew.
And he knew I knew.
And I knew he knew I knew.
Hang on! He's coming back out.
Let me see.
Oh, God.
All right.
Ooh! He's moving something into the backyard.
Oh, my God! What? Mrs.
O'Donnell bought the farm.
E-I-E-I-O we've got you now! Shouldn't we just call the cops? No! Until we know that his wife is butchered and wrapped in that Hefty bag, I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Fine, but if if he comes back here with an ax, it's every man for himself.
I don't have to outrun him, I just have to outrun you.
If he thinks a locked gate is gonna stop us, he doesn't know who he's dealing with.
All right, come on.
Wha? What are you doing? I'm gonna boost you over the fence.
What? Then you can unlock the gate, and I can get in there.
If I get trapped back there, what's stopping him from killing me? Nothing, but don't dwell on that.
Come on, let's go.
Oh All right, we're gonna all right, we're gonna Ow! We're gonna go on three One two three! Mom! Mom? Mom! Don't worry.
I stuck the landing.
At least your wife had the balls to say, "Screw you, world.
I'm following my dreams to be a writer"" I admire that.
Although, bless her heart, she never told me a story I wanted to hear again.
I guess it was easier for me.
Ever since I was a kid, my dream was to be a policeman.
You know, assuming the Spider-Man thing didn't work out.
Being a cop was never my dream.
It's just a job, not my passion.
What is your passion? Don't.
Turn around Every now and then I get a little bit lonely That you're never coming 'round.
We get it.
Turn around Every now and then I get A little bit tired of listening All right, Bright Eyes, enough! I think you a have a beautiful singing voice.
Heard that all my life.
But having a voice like honey don't guarantee you money.
I also write my own lyrics.
I escaped genocide.
Pass the dip? I, too, walked away from my true calling.
What was that? Promise you won't laugh? No.
Screw it, I don't give a damn what you morons think.
I wanted to be a hairdresser.
Really? Oh, yeah.
And I was damn good.
Could frame any face with the perfect do.
Cut, color, style, the whole shebang.
Why did you give it up? It was a different time.
People weren't as accepting as they are now.
I'll never forget the look on my dad's face when he walked in on me feathering my friend Craig's hair.
Damn it, I should've locked that door! Wow.
My old man caught me humping the ottoman.
Yours is much worse.
That was the last time I ever held a pair of clippers.
Chicago would never know the full salon experience of Tints by Vince.
Well, my dream was to have a good group of supportive friends and just be one of the guys.
I hope that works out for you.
Mom, hurry up! The dog's blocking the gate.
Well, then move him! Fine! Oh! He's your problem now.
Oh, my God! It's his car! Get out of there, Mom! It's locked from the inside! This whole thing has been a setup! Ca-caw! Ca-caw! I know, I know! What are you doing with my dog?! Oh, is this your? You better tell me what's going on or I'm calling the police.
Yeah, why don't you do that? I'm bet they'd be very interested to see what you've got in the garbage cans in your backyard.
All I see is a seamstress dummy and a bunch of purses.
Who the hell is in my backyard? My mother.
She's digging in my trash? No, she's digging for the truth.
And I've got a question for you.
Where the hell is your wife? She's dead.
I knew it! Everybody knows it.
She passed away over a year ago.
What? What's that? I was throwing away her stuff 'cause the therapist said it was time to move on.
That that's that does sound very healthy.
The entire neighborhood came to the funeral.
You didn't even send a card.
We sent like a stack of cards.
That mailman is shifty.
I don't trust him.
Oh You're horrible neighbors! I'll see you at the block party! I make a great Ambrosia.
What are you doing? These purses are designer.
Grab as many as you can.
Hey, sweetie.
What are you doing? Oh, you know, just giving us some privacy.
We don't need these looky-loos up in our business.
Hey, uh, can I talk to you for a second? Why? Did somebody call you? What? What? What? What did you say? Sit.
Listen, I've been thinking about something.
Not a lot of people would have the guts to quit their job and follow their dreams like you have.
I'm proud of you.
Aw.
Thank you.
What brought this on? Nothing, I'm a terrific guy.
Yeah, you are.
And don't worry, I came up with a great story today.
It's about a caring, noble woman who comes to the rescue of her grief-stricken neighbor.
Hmm.
Does she do it by throwing her mom over the fence and stealing his dead wife's purses? He called you? No, he called the precinct.
Ew!