Rules of Engagement s04e05 Episode Script

Hey.
Hey.
Oh, good, you're home.
Listen, I was talking to some Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I just walked in the door.
If we're gonna talk, I gotta get a can of listening juice.
Hey.
Hi.
Okay, so I was talking to the girls at work Oh, here we go.
What? No good ever comes from that.
It's never, "I was talking to the girls at work, and they told me that I'm not servicing you enough.
" All right, here's the thing.
A while ago, Jane and her husband decided that they would go find Is Jane that one who looks like Pete Rose? No.
That's Bethany.
And she does not look like Pete Rose.
Well, let's just crack open the old baseball encyclopedia here.
All right, maybe a little.
Here's the thing: Jane and her husband went to couples therapy, and found it helpful.
She loved the therapist they used.
And I think it's something we should do.
Why? Our marriage practically runs itself.
And plus, you're not chunky like Jane, so why do we need a therapist? Wow.
Rough day for the work friends.
I just think we're both so busy at work, we never have time to talk, now we're going through this fertility stuff.
You know how I feel about therapy.
Why deal with stuff when you can push it down inside and go on with your life? Well, that's great.
But as a backup plan, it might be nice to have an hour every week where we can connect and focus on our relationship.
Here's the guy's card.
I don't know.
Do we really need to pay a guy to tell you how lucky you are? Well, no one's doing it for free.
# How many ways To say, "I love you?" # # How many ways To say that I'm not scared? # # With you by my side # # There is no denyin' # # I can't wait For me and you # Hi, hon.
Whoa, nice gel-met.
Thanks.
No, I wasn't Never mind.
How much product are you using? What Enrique said: "Little dab, size of a peach.
" I'm pretty sure he said, "Size of a pea.
" Oh, well, that's good, because I've been going through a tube a day.
You may want to shower before the photographer's.
Oh, honey, do we have to do that? It's nice that my mom wants to put our engagement in the paper.
Why do we need a new picture? Can't we send the one we have? I'd rather not.
Why? It's just that in all the pictures that we have, you tend to look You know Super gay.
What are you talking about? You know how some people are photogenic? You're kind of homogenic.
Homogenic? You tend to look gay in pictures.
What? I do not.
Well, I mean, maybe in that one from Scotty's bachelor party, but I was just pretending to do that because he was passed out.
I mean, that's what you do.
Look, maybe it's the way you smile or how you pose, but I'd rather not have everyone in my hometown saying, "Look, Jen's marrying George Michael.
" That's ridiculous.
Is it? Mm-hm.
Look, here's me.
Oh, and have you met my friend Adam? He bakes the best mini-muffins in all of Sausalito.
And this one.
And Oh, my God! I told you, he was passed out.
That's what you do.
And in a way, it was amazing to have had such a New York experience my first night here.
Mm.
But we've canceled all her credit cards and recovered the purse in a Dumpster, so all's well that ends well.
Yeah, you gotta watch it in this town.
A lot of dirtbags.
Hey, dirtbag.
What's going on? Ah, Mr.
Rhodes, hello.
My fiancée, Suneetha, and I were telling Mr.
Dunbar about her first night in New York.
Well, it's great to finally meet you.
Likewise.
Anyway, after the brisk chase through the park, We went back to my place, where Suneetha teased me mercilessly about how small my apartment is.
And hot.
By the way, my Uncle Jawahar's restaurant called.
They want their tandoor back.
Ah.
That's great.
I don't really get it, but I love it.
If you could spare me I promised to show her more of the city.
Oh, you know what? You go right ahead.
You crazy kids have fun.
I'm sure I can handle my own phone today.
It hasn't rung since last Thursday, so I'm sure you'll be fine.
In fact, yes, it is still working.
Shall we? Goodbye, Mr.
Dunbar and Rhodes.
Yes, have a nice time.
What are you doing? I'm into her.
Suneetha? Yeah.
I have feelings for her.
What, in your little pants? No, higher.
Oh, in your puppet vest.
Stop it.
From the moment I saw her get off that plane, I can't get her out of my mind.
You can't do anything.
She's engaged to Timmy.
Doi.
You know I would never cross that line.
Actually, I don't think that's a thing people know about you.
So, what are you gonna do? What can I do? I just have to sit here and wallow in my own misery knowing the one woman I want, I can't have.
Oh.
Hey, do I look gay in these pictures? "Couples therapist.
" Well, let's see what you're all about, Dr.
Amos Greenblatt.
Amos.
That's close to being funny.
Hi, I'd like to cover what I call my four pillars of a successful marriage.
Pillar One: sex, sex, sex.
In any good marriage, the more physical intimacy, the better.
Right on, Amos.
Pillar Two: Transition time.
When you get home from a long day, you need time to put your feet up, have a drink.
A spouse should understand that.
You'd think.
Pillar Three: From zero to hero.
Don't forget to tell your spouse how much you admire, love, and respect them.
It's no Pillar One.
And Pillar Four: Communication.
Listening is a crucial part of any relationship.
Swing and a miss.
But still, I am sold.
You wanna see the therapist? What changed your mind? I realized you were right.
The guy's an expert, so whatever he says, we should do, even if one of us isn't in the mood.
I already ordered.
I figured we'd split a turkey sandwich and a BLT.
Nice play.
I know what you like.
We still have to go to therapy.
Sorry, I don't think it's just my opinion.
Well, I've never heard it from anyone else.
Hey, let's ask Jeff.
All right.
Describe Adam in these pictures.
Gay.
Gayer.
Gayest.
Correction: gayest.
Oh, what's wrong? Growth hormones not kicking in yet? No, the doctor says I'm making good progress.
There's a woman I want and I can't have her.
Oh, well, just try a different escort service.
I'm sure she'll be 18 someday.
You overinflated her and she popped? Anything? Uh, heh Nothing.
Poor little heart.
I actually believe him.
You couples don't know how lucky you have it.
Look at you two, sharing sandwiches.
It's like you're sharing your souls.
Hey, this new Russell's not working for me.
You know what the worst part is? Timmy asked me to look after her and take her around today.
Getting to know her might solve your problem.
How? You never like a woman once you know her.
You're Russell, you don't have feelings for women.
Yeah, you just, like, use them.
Yeah, you strip them of their clothes, their dignity and their self-esteem.
After five minutes you'll be off her and back on the skank train.
Yeah.
Thanks, guys.
I hope you're right.
All aboard the skank train.
Whoo-whoo.
So, Audrey, Jeff, why don't we start with why you came in to see me.
Well, doctor, I'd say If I could just jump in here for a second.
I think that it would be better if you talk.
Maybe you could tell us how we could achieve a more successful marriage.
That's difficult because I don't know you yet.
Hey, there, Jeff Bingham.
Looking for a more successful marriage.
What are you doing? Trying to get the doctor to, you know, just boil it down for us.
Uh, well, Jeff, I don't give my opinion until I've spent a couple of sessions finding out some of your issues.
Well, let's fast-forward now.
This is our third session, and you know our issues.
Go.
Jeff, this isn't the lightning round of a game show.
Uh Uh, I'm sorry.
My husband's not a big fan of therapy.
Or acting like a regular person.
Ooh, hear the sarcasm.
It's clear, isn't it, that our marriage is on a shaky foundation.
We're not on a shaky foundation.
See that, doc? See, I'll say one thing and then she'll say the opposite.
How can we salvage this, starting tonight? Oh, hey, Tim.
You busy? Quite so, Mr.
Rhodes.
Oh, this will be quick.
I need you to take a picture of me.
Well, so long as it's work-related and personally enriching.
Uh, wait.
Oh, here we go.
I'm not quite sure what's happening here, sir.
I'm just I'm trying to find a good pose.
It's not going well, sir.
Look, I'm not sure what to do.
Jen thinks I look gay in pictures.
You don't in person, Mr.
Rhodes, so I can't imagine Oh, yes.
Now I can imagine it.
Um, maybe just lean on the desk.
Okay.
Try to seem natural.
Okay.
Okay.
Now, I'm seeing nothing that's not entirely hetero.
So hold it.
And How the hell does that happen? I know.
It's weird, right? Yes.
It's like straight, straight, straight, straight, straight Hello, Judy.
So India.
What's that like? Well, it's hot, chaotic, overcrowded, squalid.
But at least you have great Indian food.
Yes, but we just call it food.
That's great.
Good sense of humor too.
That doesn't help me.
So tell me, Russell, why have you never married? What? Well, Timmy tells me you enjoy the company of women, but only on a short-term basis.
Do you think I'm a total sleaze? Absolutely not.
I would never judge you.
Ah, of course you wouldn't.
I guess I'm just never meant to settle down.
Well, as it's been said, love, like a river, will cut a new path whenever it meets an obstacle.
There are so many choices.
Hey, would you like to split two sandwiches and each have half? Oh, forever and ever I would.
Or soup.
Everything's good here.
Mr.
Rhodes, I really must go.
Timmy Timmy, please, please.
I need to be able to take a straight picture.
Please.
Maybe you just look too happy.
Why not try thinking a sad thought like, oh, your boyfriend just broke up with you? Yeah, ha-ha, very funny.
And if I had a boyfriend, I'd break up with him.
I feel we're heading in the wrong direction, sir.
Come on, look, Timmy, this is gonna be in a newspaper that a lot of people are gonna see, so All right, one last try.
Okay.
Thank you.
Just stand there.
Um, those arms go here.
Hold.
Much better.
There you go, sir.
Good night.
And it's like, you know, on the one hand, this isn't how I envisioned having a baby, but on the other hand, it's great that medical technology Hey, Tappy.
Do you mind? Sorry.
Doc, you were saying? He wasn't saying.
I was saying But I can hear you anytime, so let's Let's listen to the expert.
Jeff, I've noticed you're very dismissive of Audrey.
Why do you think that is? Hey, buddy, I just called you an expert.
Hook me up.
To what? What is it you're looking for, Jeff? Pillars! Did Did you say something? No.
More sex.
Hold on, are you referring to my four pillars of a successful marriage? Oh, there you go! Jeff, what What is happening? Tell me what is happening, right now.
Fine, I'll tell you.
I saw this clown on the Internet banging his gums about how couples should be having sex all the time.
But we've been here for 40 minutes, and nothing.
So that's the only reason you wanted to come here? No.
You thought he would tell me to give you more sex? No, there's also something about you leaving me alone after work.
Oh, well, you don't have to worry about me leaving you alone.
I-I-I'm sorry to have wasted your time.
Not cool, Amos.
Are you still mad about the therapy thing? Still mad? It happened 10 minutes ago! I know I say this a lot, but I have never been so humiliated.
Come on, what about that time I got drunk and I mooned your boss? Really? That's your strategy? Trying to remind me how low the bar is? I didn't want to go to therapy in the first place.
We don't have any problems.
Yeah, well, maybe you don't, but I do.
Like what? Like this whole fertility process, that's what.
I mean, how do you think I feel getting poked and prodded like I'm some kind of lab animal? Having all those shots, having my hormones monitored all the time? I think they're pretty high right now.
Just forget it.
I'm sorry you feel this way, but it's not that great for me either.
Oh, please, you barely have to do anything.
Yes, exactly.
Exactly what? My only job is to lock myself in the doctor's bathroom and rough up the suspect.
Big deal.
For you, it's just a change of venue.
I'm not saying that it's as tough for me as it is for you, but that's not exactly how I pictured making a baby.
You pictured it? A lot.
You know what wasn't in the picture? Uh, me alone, uh, with a cup and a stack of seriously old magazines.
They got one with Brigitte Nielsen on the cover.
But, uh, you know, I powered through, because, well, that's what the great ones do.
So why didn't you ever say anything? What am I gonna say? "Hey, nurse, how about a little more Megan Fox, a little less Charlene Tilton?" No, I mean about how you feel.
I don't want you to feel excluded.
I don't want you to feel like a lab animal.
This is my fault, because my swimmers are slow.
No, no.
I'm not blaming you.
I just want us to be able to Do this: To communicate.
Ironic.
That was the fourth pillar.
Who knew that one could ever matter? All right, look.
How about, in the future, we huddle up and make sure that we're on the same page, okay? I'd like that.
Hey, you want to hear Dr.
Bingham's one pillar for a lust-filled 20 minutes? Hey, what's up? I just got a text from Russell.
The whole "losing interest in Suneetha" thing backfired.
He's more into her than ever.
Really? Yeah, look.
Seven sad faces.
He is such a downer lately.
I know.
Can this wait You know, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I wish we could get the old Russell back.
Well, I'm sure we can figure some Twenty minutes! Do you really think that only certain people can hear what you're saying when you do that? Yes! I'm not at all happy about this.
It's not about you.
It's for Russell.
Now here he comes.
Hey, you guys.
Look.
It's your favorite shirt.
What do you got? I'm a zebra? Maybe the Hamburglar? "Robbie, robble, robble.
" Don't beat yourself up, Jen.
There's enough pain in the world.
Hey, hey, over here.
Couple of douches, that's right.
Yeah, we're matching.
As you should be.
It's a fitting manifestation of your shared love.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Check out these bad boys, your two favorite targets, huh? Looks like a heart turned upside down, much like my own.
I'm gonna hit the restroom.
Do you think heartache washes off? Wow, he is far gone.
Yeah, I know.
Why don't you put those away.
Hey, guys, what's up? Hey.
You can take off the hat.
He's not biting.
Who's not biting? What are you talking about? Wait, you wore that hat voluntarily? What's wrong with it? I Nothing.
Hand me my nine iron, Bagger Vance.
You look like a newsboy from the Depression.
"Extry! Extry!" You're a tool.
You know what? We might do all right without Russell.
Adam, look what my mom sent us.
The future Mr.
and Mrs.
Adam Rhodes.
All right.
Hey, we look good.
Mm-hm.
But more importantly, I look straight.
Yeah, how'd you pull that off? I had Jen punch me in the stomach before the guy snapped it.
The second punch he really wasn't expecting.
Oh, God, Adam.
Look at the caption.
"Jennifer Morgan to wed Madam Rhodes"? No! No.
They They totally ruined my hetero picture.
At least it's a small town.
Not that many people will see it.
Oh, no, they've got an online edition.
Well, I got a busy night ahead of me, so