The Middle s04e05 Episode Script

all I wanna do when I wake up in the morning is see your eyes Rosanna, Rosanna I know what you're thinking.
What am I doing on a walk? Well, there's only so much you can do when you get fired.
I already laid on the couch, I already ate all the chips.
Actually, I was walking to the store to get more when I discovered walking clears your head.
It really opens your mind to what's around you.
Yep, you never know where a walk will lead.
Oh, right.
Here.
Mom! Axl ate my cheese and sausage display! Mom's fault! Now that she's home, she eats all our food.
I need this display, Axl! Mom and dad only pay for half my trip to Cincinnati, and we are responsible for fund-raising the other half ourselves.
Oh, this is for you to leave? How much to get you to Alaska? Thank you guys so much.
It's a really big deal for the mascot to be asked on the band trip.
Unprecedented, actually.
I am making up a whole new routine for the competition.
Look.
Don't show us too much.
We wanna be surprised when we see the tape.
I just wish you were still at Ehlert's.
Do you think you're gonna get a new job anytime soon? Well, it's a big decision, going back to school.
I want to make the right choice.
Hey, what do you think about me being a crime scene investigator, huh? A CSI sounds pretty cool at cocktail parties.
There's no crime in Orson or cocktail parties.
Brick, why don't you use a bowl? A plate of water just has a nice ring to it.
So I guess it's my turn to feed the bunny again? It's always your turn.
It's your bunny.
I didn't ask for it, I didn't buy it, and yet I'm stuck feeding it.
Yeah, join the club.
Mm.
Mm! You're making a mess.
Here, give that to me.
You've gotta get to school.
Actually, I was thinking about taking a personal day.
Why? What's going on in school? It's just we're getting the human development talk today.
I guess they put girls in one room, boys in the other, and make us all watch this movie, "what's going on down there?" And then we talk about it.
Do I have to go? It's embarrassing.
You don't need a movie.
Here's all you need to know-- before, after.
Don't sweat it, Brick.
You're just growing up.
It's nothing to be embarrassed about.
And anyway, you already know the basics.
You did have the talk with him, didn't you? I thought so.
I-I can't remember.
You must have, 'cause I know I talked to Sue.
- Didn't I? - I don't know.
- But I definitely talked to Axl.
- Okay.
Hang on.
Well, that's what school's for.
Ha! Brainstorm.
Since mom has no current place of business, and I already hit all the neighbors, why don't I come to the quarry after school and sell my cheese and sausage there? Uh, no, Sue, I don't wanna do that.
The guys will feel obligated to buy from you 'cause I'm the boss.
Exactly.
Sorry about this.
You know, kids.
Yeah, kids.
When mine wanted to sell wrapping paper here, you said there was a no soliciting policy at work.
Door's open now, Mike.
My girl's selling popcorn tins again.
She's the only one in her troop that didn't get to meet Jane Pauley last year because of you.
I got a hunch she'll be going this year.
Payday.
Mike Heck around? Uh, no.
He's with the yellow hat guys.
But I'm his daughter.
You can leave it with me.
You know, this walking thing could really become a habit.
I was noticing things I'd never noticed before.
The Johnsons are growing zinnias, the Butterfields painted their mailbox to look like a cow.
And Rita Glossner's back.
So guess what I saw on my walk? Yeah, yeah.
Mailbox like a cow.
You told me.
No.
You're not gonna believe it.
Rita Glossner.
She's back.
Really? Are we sure she was ever gone? I don't know, but she's back.
Well, leave her alone.
Just don't start anything.
Oh, I didn't.
When I saw her, I ran right home.
Good.
Don't even make eye contact.
Aw, Frankie! I know! I tried not to, but I think I did.
My eyes were just looking that way, and then she was there, and her eyes were there.
And before I knew it, I was looking at her, and I think she saw me, too.
I didn't mean to! Oh, stupid eyes.
Ugh.
Thank God that's over.
Oh, right.
How'd the big talk go? Well The nurse made us watch a movie where a boy kept running around a track.
It was boring, so Dillon Murray made an inappropriate shadow puppet, and everybody giggled and the nurse yelled at us.
Yep, sounds about right.
Then when she put the movie back on, the boy took a cheerleader roller skating and bought her some ice cream.
After he got home, he took a long shower, and a doctor told us not to feel bad about our urges.
Then the girls came back in and they had little pink gift bags that we didn't get.
That doesn't seem fair.
Well, at least you got through it.
Not really.
They're making us have a follow-up discussion next week.
When does all this sex stuff end? It tapers off.
Okay.
Well, I guess I'll go look at your bras now.
I'm not sure why, but apparently, it's totally normal.
And you guys are always after me to be normal, so Car salesman? There's a class for that? Guess I should have taken it.
I want my hose back.
- What? - My hose.
You took it.
Now what am I supposed to do, wait for the rain to fill up my pool? I don't know what you're talking about.
I don't have your hose.
Right.
I seen you casing my house, walking by, staring at me.
No, no.
I was just looking.
N-not even a look.
Just a glance.
Just 'cause we didn't know you were back in town.
You've been gossiping about me behind my back? No, no.
No one did that.
We were just wondering, you know, a-about your kids.
You got no business wondering about my kids.
My kids were fine.
People was looking in on 'em.
Good.
Good.
That's responsible.
Looking in.
Hey, you know, m-maybe you should ask one of them about your hose.
Maybe one of your boys has it.
You think my kids stole it? Is that what you're hinting at? No, no.
I-I never said "stole.
" You know, I ought to punch your boobs in.
But I won't, 'cause I'm a lady.
But if that hose ain't back in my yard by tomorrow, I'm gonna rain fire down on your house.
Well, I won't be able to put it out! 'Cause I didn't take your hose! She can't really rain fire, can she? I mean, she'd have to be Zeus to pull that off.
Oh, Sue, your check and your permission slip are on the table.
But tell 'em not to cash it till Friday.
Oh yeah.
Turns out I won't need it after all.
I'm not going.
What? Why not? Did the trip get canceled? Uh, they decided mascots weren't allowed anymore.
Oh, well.
Really? And you were so excited.
What happened? Uh, yeah.
Apparently they had some concerns.
Uh, it's really hot this year.
Mascots are dropping like flies, and they think we distract from the music.
Also, they're really worried about mascot safety, because too many hours in the giant head can hurt your spine.
That's actually a big one.
I should have said that one first.
Oh, honey, that really sucks.
I know how much you were looking forward-- Mike wanted to call the cops, but I knew that'd only make things worse.
So the next day, I asked Axl to keep an eye on the house-- a job he took surprisingly seriously.
Okay.
I checked the whole neighborhood, but this is all the poop I could find.
I was hoping for more ammo, but that'll do.
Water balloon? It's not water.
You know.
It's me, Sue.
You guys I have to tell you something.
I don't know if I should say, but it's just so big, I can't hold it in anymore.
Mom and dad have been keeping a terrible secret from us.
We're poor! Oh, no.
What'll they say at the club? It's the truth, Axl.
I accidentally peeked at dad's paycheck and saw how much money he makes.
Sue, we go out after tornadoes looking for clothes.
We know.
We have to do something to help.
I gave up my trip so they don't have to pay for it, and you guys better start thinking of ways we can save money, too.
No way.
It's their fault.
They don't know how to budget.
They should have stopped having kids after me.
You guys are the real money drain with your braces and your special school.
I don't go to a special school.
You don't? I just feel so bad for them.
They must be so worried all the time.
That's probably why they're so cranky.
Right.
These might not even be their real personalities.
They could be lovely people.
We don't know.
Oh, I just wish I'd never looked at that stupid paycheck.
Stop whining.
It's about time you joined the real world.
Welcome to adulthood.
Now arm yourselves with a poop bomb and get ready to throw.
Ugh.
Mm.
Here.
Take these outside.
The boys are eating in the bunker tonight.
Frankie Well, we can't just abandon it.
It's almost dark.
That's prime Glossner time.
Our kids are living in an old picnic table.
Even for us, that's weird.
Look, I've got a plan to fix this.
Let's say we buy her a new hose, just to keep the peace.
We can't do that.
That's admitting guilt.
Rain of fire, Mike.
Rain of fire.
So that's it? This is our life now? Pretty much.
Unless I end up being a really successful car salesman.
Seriously? You know, I should probably stay here and keep guard tomorrow, too.
Guess I'll never know what's going on down there.
Dude, you're gonna want to know that stuff.
Trust me, one day, you're gonna be just as excited about girls as you are about books.
I don't really see that happening.
Okay.
When you go a day without reading a book, how do you feel? Like I'm going crazy.
I just wanna get my hands on one.
Exactly.
That's how you're gonna feel about girls some day.
I don't know.
I'm still confused about all that stuff in the movie.
Maybe I should just go to the library and research it.
You don't need the library.
That's what the ax-man's for.
Huh? Let me break this down for you So over the next two hours, Axl explained everything in graphic detail.
And that's why you gotta pretend to listen when chicks talk about their feelings.
I know, I know.
Not my best moment.
Mike's usually pretty smart about things.
But if you ask me, $13.
99 is a small price to pay for peace.
Like the Peyton Manning football I gave him that wasn't really signed by Peyton Manning, he just doesn't need to know.
Wow.
For someone with such big feet, she sure is quiet.
What are you doing in my yard? Oh, I, uh, was, uh, walking at night, you know, like I always do.
You've probably seen me.
And I noticed that, uh, oh, your hose is here after all.
Isn't that funny? That's not my hose.
Oh, I don't know.
I'm pretty sure it is.
It looks like it.
Squirts water.
Mine's orange.
Really? Huh.
Who would have guessed? That's such a rare color.
Well, a hose is a hose.
Here, go ahead.
Take it.
I don't want that crappy hose.
Well, yeah, this is even better.
I mean, your hose was old and beaten up, and look-- this is all shiny and brand-new.
You sure do know a lot about my hose for someone who didn't take it.
Hose thief! Okay, that's it.
I am a good neighbor.
I don't steal.
My family doesn't steal.
Your family's the one who steals! I don't like what you're implying.
I'm not implying anything.
It's a fact.
Your kids are a bunch of hooligans! They take everything in the neighborhood-- bikes, toys, shrubbery.
Don't you talk about my kids.
Them's good boys.
- Where you been at?! - None of your damn business.
You expect me to believe that you're dumb enough to bring back a hose that you didn't even take in the first place? Fine.
You know what? I tried to be nice, but I'm done.
I'm taking it home.
It's my hose now.
Oh, so you're gonna steal it a second time? You said you didn't want it! It's on my property! No! I'm taking it back! Let go! You let go! It's not your hose, lady! You said you didn't want it! Give it! Uhh! Ow.
Morning.
Morning.
Is there coffee? Yep.
Somethin' wrong? Okay, if I tell you, you have to promise not to get mad.
I can't make that promise.
Something happened last night.
What the hell? - How'd you do that? - I went over to the Glossners'.
Frankie, I told you that was a bad idea.
She didn't hit you, did she? No, the hose did.
What, she found the hose? Not exactly.
Look, I know you didn't love the idea, but I bought her a new hose and went over there to leave it.
But Rita caught me, and she called me a thief, which, I mean, come on.
So we got in a fight, and the hose chipped my tooth.
Listen, I don't want to hear a bunch of "I told you sos.
" How many do I get? Give me a number.
Look, I did the honorable thing and snuck over there in the middle of the night.
Could you cover your mouth while you talk? It's that noticeable? You're actually starting to look like you're in our income bracket.
It's that bad, huh? Ah, I'd better call the dentist and see if he can squeeze me in before Ehlert realizes I'm still on his insurance.
Mr.
Heck, how are you? Fine.
Sue, your friends are here! Be out in a minute! Brad and I are taking Sue to the mall, but don't worry, we're not gonna spend any money.
Because things don't make you happy.
People do.
But if Sue wants a Fro-Yo, I can pay for it with the money I made juggling at the ren fair this summer.
That's short for "renaissance.
" You don't have to explain everything.
Oh! I almost forgot.
I come bearing gifts.
For Brick, some of my favorite hand-me downs.
For Mrs.
Heck, the Ali MacGraw yoga workout.
It's like an antidepressant in a VHS tape.
And for you, Mr.
Heck, a hug.
Hey, Sue! You don't want to keep your friends waiting! Anyway, uh, it's nice of you guys to get Sue out of the house.
She's been kind of down since they told her that the mascots can't go on that trip.
What? Yeah, they can.
No, I think you're wrong, Carly.
You know what? Uh, you guys go on ahead.
I gotta talk to Sue about something.
Okay, but remember, Mr.
Heck, I'm not just her friend.
I'm here for you, too, 24/7.
Tweet me.
We can also Facebook, Skype, G-Chat.
- You want me to write this all down? - I'm good.
Okay.
Hey.
So I was just wondering, who exactly decided you couldn't go on this trip? I saw your paycheck, okay? I am so, so sorry.
It was just sitting there on the desk, a-and they didn't lick the sticky part, so it was open, and I looked, and I saw how much you make, and my trip costs too much money.
I don't wanna go! What? Sue, what are you talking about? I know you don't get paid a lot of money.
A-and I am a horrible person because I am always asking for stuff, and mom doesn't have a job, and you work all the time, and our TV has a weird, squiggly line down the middle.
But just last week, I had mom buy me a "girls rule the world" pencil case.
I am so selfish! Sue, you're not selfish.
You're a normal kid.
But I already know girls rule the world.
So do I really need to read it on a pencil case? It's like I am just throwing money away! Hey, hey, stop.
Okay, listen, you're right.
I am? Yeah.
We don't have a lot of extra money right now.
Oh.
Okay.
But it's not your job to worry about it.
I'm the dad.
It's my job.
And I say "no" to plenty of stuff.
And this trip is a big deal.
You worked hard.
So we can do it.
But your paycheck.
If that's what you make every two weeks, my trip is too expensive.
Sue, you didn't look close enough.
I get paid every week.
You do? Yeah.
Now go get your costume.
The band needs its chicken.
Are you sure? Go, honey.
Have a good time.
I'm going to a band competition in Cincinnati! How could I not?! Aah! You get paid every two weeks.
Yeah.
But just like that autographed Justin Bieber hat we got her, she doesn't need to know.
It's a mighty fine thing you done.
Go get that fixed.
On my way.
Are you kidding me? Brick, where did you get this? Oh, I took it from the Glossners.
What? And the whole time I've been talking about the hose that Rita thinks I stole, you didn't say anything? Oh, I thought you were talking about panty hose.
Okay, look, we just have to get rid of this before anybody finds out.
Are you sure it's even the Glossners'? I think they might have stolen it from the Donahues.
Yeah, well the Donahues aren't gonna punch my boobs in, so we're getting rid of it anyway.
And, Brick, we never speak of this again.
Just like that autographed X Games posters we got Axl.
Seriously, how does she keep doing that? Where are you both sneakin' off to? Just going to the dentist to get my tooth fixed.
I did that once on a cop's belt.
That's really funny.
Well, we should go.
Nobody to watch him, so he's gotta come with me.
Not that our house is empty right now.
I know where my hose is.
We don't.
Whoop.
Whoop.
I'm lying.
Somebody put it back on my lawn.
The orange one? Oh.
Well huh.
Wow.
That's great that you got it back.
When us Glossners make a mistake, we admit it.
That's why so many of us is in jail.
We've got integrity.
Oh, yeah.
That's-- that is honorable.
I appreciate it.
So I want you all to come over Sunday for a pool party.
That's not necessary.
I don't want to owe you nothing.
You're coming.
Okay.
Great.
See you then.
I never did find out how that hose got to Rita.
Probably some other scared neighbor.
But it's the Glossners, so Brick and I made ours disappear, just in case.
Brick and I never talked about that night again.
But he did have a lot to say on another subject.
Does anyone have any questions? When chicks "want it," do they want it right away, or can I finish my book first? He told the kids everything Axl had told him.
And the nurse told us and we told Axl.
At least he had the right info, 'cause it turned out, we hadn't talked to any of the kids.
Yep.
You start going off on a walk, and you never know where it'll lead.
If I hadn't gone for a walk that day, I wouldn't have chipped my tooth, which sent me to the dentist's office, where I learned the girl that put the squirty thing in my mouth is well paid and gets to wear comfy shoes all day which led me to finally settle on my new career-- dental assistant.
'Cause believe me, if there's one thing I've learned, teeth are important.
- Another beer? - Sure.
Then run over to your house and get us some.
I'll keep an eye on your kids.