Cheers s04e06 Episode Script

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
- Okay, who's next? - Make way for Norm.
Come on in, Mr Peterson, and we've got the bathroom-stuffing record.
World's record, here we come! We did it! Congratulations! Drinks are on me! The door's stuck.
It won't budge.
There's too many people in here.
Bartender must've stepped out.
Have a seat.
I gotta use the bathroom, okay? Occupied.
Norm, we had the bathroom-stuffing championship in our grasp and blew it.
Oh, gee, I see how I miscounted.
Boy, I had myself down here twice.
See, "Woody" and "me.
" Here's to noble failure, huh? Norm, I can't drink to that.
There's nothing noble about failure.
If there was, you'd be a duke.
Hey, Diane, hold it.
Hold it.
Those aren't empty.
Sorry, guys, I'm a little distracted tonight.
Oh, yeah? You got problems, Diane, or just the usual? What do you mean, "the usual"? You know, just how you usually are, you know.
How am I usually? So you're distracted, huh? Yes, I have to come up with $500 as quickly as possible.
What for? Hush money for Miss Clairol? No.
But I love the new thing that you've done with your hair, and I think you should continue washing it.
"Continue.
" That was totally uncalled-for.
So what do you need 500 bucks for? Well, are you familiar with the Farthing for Your Thoughts bookstore? I've dallied there betimes, yeah.
Very funny, Norman.
Anyway, I was browsing there this morning when I unearthed a rare Hemingway volume.
I know what everybody's thinking: "Diane Chambers' sensibilities attuned to Hemingway?" Wow, that's really close.
Anyway, I discovered that Hemingway's signature is in the book.
And it's priced at a laughable $500.
The owners of the store don't know what they're doing.
It's right there on the title page: "Ernest Hemingway, Madrid, 1927.
" Why don't you ask that rich old lady of yours, huh? She's got more money than me and God put together.
No, I can't ask Mummy.
- I'd rather die.
- I like that even better.
I told her long ago I was going to prove my own worth.
I refuse to go to her begging now.
Come on, Diane, she's your ma.
She carried you for nine months.
Eight.
I was premature.
Couldn't wait to get out and start yapping.
It has occurred to me that I could possibly get the money right here at Cheers.
If you can't rely on friends, who can you rely on? I thought maybe I could ask Sam.
You bet.
He's got a lot of money.
But I don't know.
Given our past relationship, I just don't think I'd feel comfortable borrowing from him.
On the other hand, I don't know where else to turn.
Well, Miss Chambers, I'm gonna give you every bit of money I have.
- Oh, no, Woody.
I couldn't.
- No, no, I insist.
Oh, wow, that's wonderful.
I must've got my pockets picked again.
Well, welcome to the big city.
Thank you, Mr Clavin.
Woody.
- Thanks for trying to help.
- Thanks.
Well, I guess I have no choice.
Now, how best to approach Sam? I could appeal to his generosity his good nature.
It wouldn't hurt to remind him that I'm a woman.
I'd carry a sign.
Sam? Is now a bad time? No, but I think it's about to be.
You goose.
Sam, would you say that our relationship has matured? If you mean getting kind of old, yeah.
Well, you're a regular Noel Coward with a liquor license.
I don't-- I don't get it.
I'm painfully aware of that.
Sam, I know you to be a man of pride and principle, but strength is also to be found in the ability to bend.
Witness the willow, nature's strongest tree.
No, I thought the oak was the strongest tree.
Only in furniture.
What about the saying "strong as the mighty oak"? The oak can be felled by a single harsh wind under the right circumstances.
But what about birch and mahogany? Now, those-- Would you shut up about the damn trees? You brought them up.
Sam, would you loan me $500, please? Well, sure.
But I haven't even told you what it's for yet.
Well, it doesn't matter.
Use it for whatever you babes buy.
Hair curlers, clothes, sewing notions.
Whatever.
It's nothing as trivial as that.
Hey, listen.
I mean it.
It doesn't matter.
Really.
I know how hard it was for you to come in here begging like a dog for a bone.
So I'm just trying to be sensitive and not make things worse.
Thank you for making it easy for me, Sam.
This really is an extraordinary attitude.
The truth is, I've had a lot of trouble loaning people money in the past.
You know, hurt a lot of feelings.
Lost a couple of buddies once.
So I decided from now on, anybody asks me, I'm just gonna give them the money and never expect to see it again.
Oh, you'll see it again.
Diane Chambers always honours her debts.
Hey, I could care less.
Really.
You walk out that door, I'm not even gonna think about that money anymore.
- You'll see it again.
- All right.
- Thank you, Sam.
- Yeah.
You handled this even better than I expected.
But even so, it was hard to come in here and ask for this, given our past physical relationship.
Yeah, it kind of feels like you should be giving me the money, doesn't it? - Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! - Norman.
- What's the good word, Norm? Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
- No, not the Hungry Heifer.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
One heartburn cocktail coming up.
What's this Hungry Heifer place you guys keep talking about? It's this terrible restaurant where Norm insists on torturing himself.
Hey, you're always giving the Hungry Heifer a bad rap.
I don't get it.
So I've had a few bad meals there.
But it's the best value in town.
Woody, their steaks come by the pound.
Wow, the steaks are that big? No, that's where they get them.
- I'll have to try it sometime.
- Yeah, I recommend Thursday night.
That's when the chef does his tribute to swine.
Sam, two vodka tonics and a Rob Roy, please.
By the way, Sam, has Diane paid back that loan yet? No, Carla, she hasn't.
But I could care less.
Not one dime? It's been two weeks already, hasn't it? Yes, Carla, it has.
But you can't expect her to pay back that kind of money overnight.
She's just a hard-working waitress.
Diane got a job as a waitress somewhere? Sam, could you also give me change, please? - You bet.
- Okay.
My, what a lovely sweater, Diane.
- Why, thank you, Carla.
- Is it new? Yes, as a matter of fact, it is.
How nice of you to notice.
Well, how could I help but notice such a beautiful garment? Cashmere, unless I miss my guess.
Yes, it is.
Must have cost you an arm and a leg, huh? No, no, it was marked down 2 percent at Haute and Bothered last week.
Well, we girls deserve to splurge on ourselves once in a while.
- Don't you think, Sam? - I could care less.
All right, I'm ready for a beer, Sam.
Hey, what's Mr Clavin doing? You're not gonna believe this, but he's trying to get into the record book for walking backwards.
Everybody, afternoon good.
That's-- That's "good afternoon, everybody" backwards.
And you're an "assjack.
" How close are you to the record, Cliff? Well, in two days, I'll be backing myself into the history books.
Thank you, Sammy.
I think I'll just take a quick reverse strut around the old pool table, pick up some women backwards.
All right, I know you guys think that Cliff is pretty weird, but I'll say this much for him, he'll probably never reproduce.
Hey, that looks pretty good.
- You should just taste it.
- What is it? It's lobster salad.
Lobster? Was there a sale on that stuff? This time of year? Are you kidding? - Would you like a bite? - No, no.
No, thanks.
No, it's okay, I got too much.
I'll just end up feeding it to a cat.
No, thank you.
Thanks, anyway.
I lost my appetite here for some reason.
- She's got new shoes too.
- Who does? You know who.
The one dribbling lobster all over her cashmere.
- I could care less.
- You know something, Sam, Diane certainly borrowed this money from the right guy.
I mean, here she is, throwing her cash around like water, and she owes you a bundle.
Most people I know would be going crazy now, especially if they knew what she spent that money on.
What do I gotta do, tell you over and over? I don't wanna know what she spent it on.
I don't care what she spent it on.
I'm not interested in what she spent it on.
Sam, by the way, I'm gonna be a little late tomorrow.
I'm having a facial and a massage.
What did she spend it on? A book.
- A book.
- A book.
- One book? - One single $500 book.
And it's already been a movie.
- A book.
- Excuse me.
Would anybody like to buy some cookies? Oh, I'd love to.
I just can't refuse.
- I'll take three boxes.
- Oh, thank you, ma'am.
And thank you.
There's a little something extra there for you.
Wow, thank you.
Oh, I just love these things.
Well, aren't you going to ask Sam if he'd like some? Of course I am.
Care for a cookie, Sam? Oh, don't worry, I have a lot more at home.
- Help yourself.
- Don't mind if I do.
Those are delicious.
I think I'll have a few more here.
Boy, but once you start, you just can't stop, can you? I probably shouldn't have had that last one.
I like my cookies this way.
It takes the work out of chewing, you know? Oh, hey, Diane, I'm so sorry about this afternoon.
I don't know what happened.
I feel like a sack of dirt.
Don't be so hard on yourself, Sam.
I'm sure you're not the first man in history to throw a frothing fit over 'Nana Doodles.
I just don't know what came over me.
I do.
Despite your assurances, you do not lend money with the sang-froid you claim.
I would like to see you in your office.
I have something I want to give you.
How about a good spanking? I think I deserve it.
For some mysterious reason, you seem to have doubted my good intentions to pay you back.
Well, what's the mystery? I haven't seen dime one.
Believe me, I fully intend to return all your money.
And to prove my good faith, I'm going to give you what I purchased with the $500 for you to hold as collateral until I repay you.
God, it really is a book.
It's a book, and a very valuable book.
It's a first-edition Hemingway.
The Sun Also Rises.
Oh, that's real profound.
I purchased it for $500, but I'm sure it's worth a great deal more.
It's signed by Ernest Hemingway himself.
For 500 bucks, you'd think Margaux Hemingway would come over to your house and act it out for you.
I'm taking a big risk entrusting this to you, Sam.
Please, go put it in the safe.
And whatever you do, don't let anything happen to it.
Don't touch it, don't scratch it, don't scratch with it.
Hey, you know, you really make me angry when you treat me like some kind of animal.
I'm sorry, Sam.
It won't happen again.
Just put it in the safe, please.
I'm sure there's room in there right next to your bowl of kibble.
Smells boring.
Mr Clavin, you're walking forward.
What happened to the record? I was hours away, and I met utter defeat.
Oh, that's too bad.
Yeah, it's doubly tragic.
If I had had a witness, I would've gotten the world's record for the loudest scream after I backed into Ma's curling iron.
Well, I'll tell you something, Mr Clavin, whether you set the record or not, everyone here considers you a winner.
That's pronounced "wiener.
" - Hey.
Hey.
Diane around yet? - Not yet.
Good.
Does anybody know how to fix this? What is it? Well, it's Diane's $500 book.
No wonder it's so expensive.
It's inflatable.
No, no, it's not supposed to look like that, Woody.
- What the heck happened to that? - Well, I got interested in the darned thing, and I took it home with me and Then picture this.
I get into a nice hot tub.
I'm lying down to soak and read, naked as a jaybird.
And I'm reading, and I'm reading, and I'm-- Hold on, I can't get one of your socks off.
Never mind.
I can.
Anyway, I'm reading and reading, and I finally come to the part where they tell us the terrible thing that happened to this Jake Barnes guy during the war.
- What's that? - Well, Iet's just say that suddenly he could hit those high notes Iike he never could before.
Ouch.
Yeah, ouch.
That's why I dropped the book in the water.
Now the darned thing won't shut.
All right, just rip out every other page.
Come on, man.
Diane's gonna be really angry at me.
She told me not to touch it, I touched it, and now it's fat.
- Hello, everybody.
- Hi.
Hey, how's it going? Oh, splendidly.
How's my precious volume? It's fine.
Why do you even bring it up? Well, don't be so sensitive.
I just asked because I bought the most beautiful antique bookstand for it.
Is it expandable? It's very nice.
It's very nice.
The perfect complement to my inscribed first edition The Sun Also Rises.
Isn't it exquisite? Excuse me, my name is Bruce Sayers.
I'm an avid collector of Hello.
Diane Chambers.
I heard you say that you have an inscribed Sun Also Rises.
- Is it in good condition? - Oh, it's a lovely copy.
No jacket, of course, but signed by Papa himself.
And it's a lovely thought.
"Dear F.
Scott, boy, that Zelda is one crazy chick.
" - It's a simple autograph.
- I wonder if it might be for sale? Oh, no.
I couldn't possibly place a monetary value on something so personal to me.
I'd give you $1,000 for it.
Make the check out to Diane Chambers.
Sam, will you get this man's Hemingway? - No, you can't do that.
- No, it's perfect.
Now I can pay you back.
No, you can't sell the book.
You love the book, Diane.
Sam, we love people.
We own books.
Besides, even as a child I found Hemingway to be pretentious and over-mannered.
For my taste.
- Sam, go get it from the safe.
- Yeah, I see.
All right, yeah.
This may take a minute.
The safe's-- The combination's kind of complex.
Oh, don't you remember? It's your birthday.
It is? Hell, I should be out there celebrating.
Go, Sam.
Pull out these Sam? Yeah? I thought it would he better to conduct our business in private.
- What's taking you so long? - Well, I was just thinking.
Say no more.
You know, I was about to open the safe and a voice in the back of my head said, "Don't let Diane sell the book.
She loves that book.
" The voice was wrong.
Open the safe.
I completely understand the value of sentiment, but I must have that book.
Yeah, me too.
That's why I'm gonna give you 1,010.
- Sam.
- Eleven hundred.
- Eleven-ten.
- Do you know what you're doing? - Eleven-fifty.
- I know it sounds crazy, but when I was getting your book out of the safe very carefully, I started to look through the pages very, very, very carefully, and l Well, I fell in love with the darned thing.
- You're serious, aren't you? - Yeah, you bet I am.
- Eleven-sixty.
- It must be an extraordinary specimen.
- Eleven-seventy-five.
- Twelve hundred.
- Twelve-- - Stop.
Enough.
We're throwing around monetary figures here as if they had a place in the world of art.
Sam Malone, you have taught me a lesson about the true value of literature tonight.
I'm sorry, Mr Sayers, the book is no longer for sale.
I want Sam to have it.
Oh, all right.
Hey, I hope there are no hard feelings here, Sayers, old man.
I can't say I'm not disappointed, but it's heartening to know there are people around like you.
People who love books.
Love them? I just wish you could eat them.
I don't know what to say.
I'm looking at you in an entirely new light.
- What do you mean? - Well, I don't know myself, but I think tonight I saw in full flower the sensitivity you try so hard to conceal.
Oh, well, that's-- That's no big deal.
Oh, no.
You were wonderful.
Yeah, well, I guess my little masquerade's over.
I am sensitive as all get-out.
Honestly, Sam, I don't know what brought about this change, but I find myself extremely attracted to you just now.
There's something stirring inside me.
I don't know what it is, but I'm becoming flushed.
Yeah, maybe it is getting a little hot in here.
Very hot.
And you mean all I had to do was go nuts over a book? Oh, I know it's crazy.
All the warning signals are flashing.
I never intended for this to happen, but it's out of my control.
Kiss me, Sam.
You know, truth is, I've been thinking about getting a lot more books.
Yeah, maybe even getting a library card, huh? - Oh, Sam.
- What? - lsn't it amazing how life works out? - Yeah.
When we woke up this morning, who would have guessed that we'd end the day this way? Just look.
You have a beautiful book, I've made myself a tidy little profit, and we're in each other's arms.
A tidy little profit? Yes.
Your last bid was $1,200.
You expecting $1,200 from me? No, of course not, you big, foolish man.
I intend to deduct the $500 I owe you, and you really only owe me $700.
But let's stop talking and start rejoicing.
Hold me, Sam.
Sam, you're holding me a little tight.
Sam, I can't breathe.