King of the Hill s04e06 Episode Script
A Beer Can Named Desire
1 DID YOU WIN? "SORRY-- PLEASE DRINK ANOTHER BEER.
" THAT'S WHAT I CALL LOSING THE BATTLE BUT WINNING THE WAR.
HURRY UP, HANK, FINISH YOUR BEER.
IT COULD BE THE WINNING ALAMO BEER CAN! BILL, THE ODDS OF WINNING THAT CONTEST ARE ONE IN A MILLION.
YEAH, IF YOU ONLY DRINK ONE BEER.
( guzzling ) AH.
( slurping ) AH.
IMAGINE, HANK, A TRIP TO NEW ORLEANS.
A CHANCE TO MEET "DANDY" DON MEREDITH AND WIN ONE OF THOSE REALLY BIG CARDBOARD CHECKS.
"SORRY.
PLEASE DRINK ANOTHER BEER.
" WELL, THEY ASKED NICELY.
"SORRY.
PLEASE DRINK ANOTHER BEER.
" ( belching ) THAT MADE SOME ROOM.
WELL, I THINK I'M GOING TO CALL IT A NIGHT.
POUR IT ON THE GROUND-- SEE IF YOU WON.
I HAVE NEVER POURED OUT BEER EVEN TO PUT OUT A GRASS FIRE.
HI, UNCLE HANK.
LUANNE.
( joyful screaming ) FIRST OF ALL YOU DIDN'T WIN ANYTHING.
UH-UH.
I WON A MILLION DOLLARS.
NO, THE CONTEST GIVES THE WINNER THE RIGH TO GO TO THE DALLAS COWBOYS- NEW ORLEANS SAINT GAME AND THROW A FOOTBALL THROUGH A SMALL HOLE IN A LARGE BEER CAN FOR A MILLION DOLLARS OR HAVE DALLAS COWBOYS LEGEND DON MEREDITH THROW I TO WIN $100,000.
IF YOU'D READ THE POINT OF PURCHASE DISPLAY AT 7-ELEVEN, YOU'D KNOW THAT.
OKAY, SO I THROW THE BALL THROUGH THE HOLE AND THEN I WIN.
NO.
I PAID FOR THAT BEER, SO IT'S MINE.
LET'S JUST SAY IT IS YOUR BEER.
HOW OLD ARE YOU? 19 1/2.
EXACTLY.
IF YOU TRIED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE, YOU'D BE INCARCERATED FOR UNDERAGE DRINKING.
SO IF IT'S YOUR BEER, YOU'D GET TO GO TO JAIL.
NOW, IF IT'S MY BEER, YOU GET TO COME TO NEW ORLEANS WITH US.
YOUR CALL.
NEW ORLEANS! SO, HANK, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THE HUNDRED THOU? 'COURSE, YOU COULD GO FOR THE MILLION DOLLARS.
( laughing ) ( laughing ) ( laughing ) YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK A CIVILIAN'S EVER MADE IT.
A TEN-YARD PASS THROUGH A ONE-FOOT HOLE PEOPLE SCREAMING IN THE STANDS THANK GOD FOR DON MEREDITH.
THANK YOU, GOD.
IT'S LIKE THEY'RE PAYING US $100,000 TO MEET DON MEREDITH.
SOMETHING I WOULD HAVE DONE FOR FREE.
THAT MONEY COULD PAY FOR BOBBY'S COLLEGE AND A MINI-FRIDGE FOR HIS DORM ROOM.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW WE COULD BUY ALL SORTS OF HIGHER EDUCATION AND APPLIANCES WITH, UH A MILLION DOLLARS.
WHAT? ARE YOU REALLY THINKING OF TAKING THAT THROW YOURSELF? UH, WHAT WOULD YOU THINK IF I WAS THINKING THAT? HANK, HONEY, IF YOU ARE WILLING TO GIVE UP A SURE THING AND GO FOR THE MILLION WELL, YOU'VE GOT MORE FRIJOLES THAN ANY MAN I'VE EVER KNOWN.
WHAT YOU DOIN', HANK? UH I'M JUST SEEING WHAT IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE FOR DON MEREDITH AT THE SUPERDOME.
HOW ABOUT I COME WITH? I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO EAT FRIED DOUGH IN THE MOST CORRUPT CITY ON EARTH.
UH THAT'S NICE AND ALL, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO BOTHER.
IT'S NO BOTHER.
YOU CAN DRIVE US, AND WE'LL STAY IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM.
UH, WELL I GUESS WE COULD WINGO, MAN! WE'RE GOING TO NEW ORLEANS! HEY, YOU KNOW, I'LL COME WITH, TOO.
THE DAUTERIVES ARE FROM LOUISIANA.
I LIVED IN THE BAYOU TILL I WAS SIX YEARS OLD! MY AUNT ESME STILL LIVES THERE.
YOU THINK WE CAN LOOK HER UP? UH, DANG IT, I KNOW WE CAN.
I PLANNED OUT THE ROUTE TO NEW ORLEANS VERY CAREFULLY.
THERE IS PLENTY OF TIME FOR A SIDE TRIP.
BILL, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU GREW UP IN CAJUN COUNTRY AND I DON'T CARE.
HMM.
AND HOW IS MY MAN WITH THE GOLDEN ARM? CALL THE BANK, MAKE SURE THEY HAVE ROOM IN OUR ACCOUN FOR $1 MILLION.
YOU'RE GOING TO GO FOR IT?! OH, HANK! YEAH.
WELL, I MADE 42 OUT OF 50.
WOULD HAVE MADE 43 BUT I USED A THROW TO DROP A BLUE JAY AT 20 FEE BEFORE HE COULD POOP ON YOUR CAR.
YOU'RE THAT GOOD? MM-HMM.
I GUESS YOU COULD SAY MY AIM IS DEADLY.
( laughing ) THAT BLUE JAY'S FINE, THOUGH.
( speaking Creole ) ( speaking Creole ) ( laughing ) THEY'RE SPEAKING SOME KIND OF FRENCH.
LET ME HANDLE THIS.
I SPEAK SPANISH-- IT'S THE SAME THING.
HEY, SENOR.
( stilted pronunciation): DIGAME LA DIRECCIONES A LA CASA DE LOS DAUTERIVES, POR FAVOR.
( whispering ): HE WANTS A TIP.
JE M'APPEL ( speaking Creole ) Peggy: BILL, I HAD NO IDEA THAT YOU SPOKE CAJUN.
PERHAPS THAT'S BECAUSE I I TRY NOT TO ASK YOU QUESTIONS.
WELL, I HAD NO IDEA, EITHER.
VOILA! ICI! ICI! Hank: GOOD LORD, I ALWAYS FIGURED YOUR FAMILY LIVED IN A TAR PAPER SHACK.
NOPE.
( speaking Creole ) WILLIAM.
( speaking Creole ) HANK, PEGGY, BOBBY, LUANNE, DALE BOOMHAUER.
WHO ARE YOU? ANSWERS IN THE FORM I AM GILBERT FONTAINE DE LA TOUR DAUTERIVE THE MAN OF THE HOUSE.
DALE GRIBBLE.
I AM ROSE, THE YOUNGEST.
OH ( muttering ) I AM LILY, THE YOUNGEST-LOOKING.
( muttering ) YOU'RE TERRIBLE.
I AM VIOLETTA, THE PRETTY ONE.
YOU ARE A GARDEN OF WOMEN.
AND YOU ARE THE WILLIAM WE'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT-- THE LAST REMAINING DAUTERIVE MALE, OR SHOULD I SAY OH, DON'T BOTHER.
OH! ( chuckling ): YOU KIND OF SNUCK UP ON ME THERE.
OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A CREEPER.
VIOLETTA SAYS I CREEP LIKE THE KUDZU VINES THAT ARE SLOWLY BUT SURELY STRANGLING OUR DIXIE.
UH-HUH.
WHAT FASCINATING THING ARE Y'ALL DOING? UH, I'M GOING TO BE THROWING AT A TARGET ABOUT YEA BIG AT THE COWBOY-SAINTS GAME.
IF I MAKE IT, I WIN A MILLION DOLLARS.
GOLDEN RICHARDS WAS A DALLAS COWBOY.
YEAH, YEAH, HE CAUGHT A TOUCHDOWN PASS IN SUPER BOWL XXII.
HE WAS A BEAUTIFUL MAN.
I KNEW HIM BRIEFLY.
UH-HUH MY HUSBAND ALPHONSE DAUTERIVE-- WILLIAM'S UNCLE BY BLOOD.
WHEN DID HE PASS? OH, HE LINGERS IN A ROOM IN THE BACK OF THE HOUSE HANGING ON BY THE THREAD OF A HOPE HE'LL SEE THE DAUTERIVE NAME PASSED ON TO ANOTHER GENERATION.
DOES WILLIAM HAVE ANY SONS? NOPE.
BILL IS UNHAPPILY DIVORCED AND WITHOUT CHILD.
( sighing ) PITY.
THE DAUTERIVE BLOOD IS DOWN TO A TRICKLE.
MY TWO SONS AND MY SON-IN-LAW GIRAC, RENE AND EMERIL DIED OF ARTERIAL SCLEROSIS IN THEIR 20s LEAVING THREE DESPERATE, CHILDLESS WIDOWS TO WANDER THIS HOUSE.
THEY ARE STRINGS ON A HARP STRETCHED FAR TOO TAUT.
IF THEY ARE NOT STRUMMED SOON ( chuckling ) WELL, THEY REALLY NEED TO BE STRUMMED.
THIS IS RIGHT OUT OF SHAKESPEARE.
THIS IS MY HUSBAND GIRAC.
THE LOUISIANA DIET WILL KILL A MAN AS SURELY AS A SWORD.
UH-HUH.
SO, ROSE, YOU'RE NOT MARRIED? I'M ALL ALONE IN THIS WORLD, WILLIAM.
( speaking French ) ( gasping ) ROSE? ROSE! ( triangle playing ) OH, HELLO, LILY.
THAT WAS PRETTY! NOW, WAS THAT A SONG, OR IS IT SUPPERTIME? ( sighing ) MY LATE HUSBAND RENE AND I USED TO MAKE MUSIC TOGETHER.
NOW THEY'RE ONLY NOTES.
( playing French cabaret melody ) OH, YOU PLAY BEAUTIFULLY.
I'M SURPRISED AS YOU ARE.
( gasping ) ( wheezing ) ROBERT, A YOUNG GENTLEMAN LIKE YOU SHOULD DRESS FOR DINNER.
WELL, LET'S JUST POKE AROUND MY OLD CHIFFOROBE AND FIND YOU SOMETHING SUITABLE.
MY LORD, THIS MUGGY NOVEMBER WEATHER GIVES ME THE HORRIBLES.
ROBERT, THIS HERE IS VELVET, NOT VELVETEEN.
A GENTLEMAN MUST LEARN THE DIFFERENCE.
( Cajun accent ): MY LORD! Gilbert: DINNER, LIKE YOUTH, WILL BE SERVED.
YO.
Lily: HELLO.
I PRESENT YOU YOUNG MASTER ROBERT.
[ Esme .]
LOVELY.
OH, MY GOD.
UH, BOBBY, WHY DON'T YOU LET ME SIT NEXT TO GILBER SO WE CAN, UH, TALK SPORTS? SO, UH, GILBERT HOW DO THE SAINTS LOOK THIS YEAR, HUH? ( laughing ) I'M MORE FAMILIAR WITH SINNERS THAN SAINTS, MY DEAR AND SINNERS ALWAYS LOOK GOOD.
( chuckling ) ( playing sprightly tune ) ( Hank sighs ) GET ME OUT OF HERE.
HONEY, YOU NEED TO TRY AND RELAX BEFORE YOUR BIG THROW.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SURE BEING A MILLIONAIRE IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA.
BOBBY'S ONLY BEEN AROUND RICH PEOPLE FOR A FEW HOURS AND HE ALREADY LOOKS LIKE THAT KID ON THE PAINT CAN.
THERE'S MORE TO IT THAN THAT, ISN'T THERE? ( sighs ) THIS PLACE, IT IT GIVES ME THE CREEPS.
EVERYTHING'S UPSIDE-DOWN.
BILL'S GETTING WOMEN AND BOBBY, WELL I MISSED A BUNCH OF THROWS TODAY AND I'M JUST THINKING-- WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GET TO THE SUPERDOME WITH ALL THOSE FANS WATCHING? DON'T YOU THINK DON MEREDITH MISSED A FEW PASSES IN PRACTICE? BUT WHEN THE GAME WAS ON THE LINE HE PUT IT RIGHT ON THE MONEY TO "BULLET" BOB HAYES AND LANCE "NO PANTS" RENTZEL.
SEE, THAT'S JUST IT.
HE'S THE QUARTERBACK.
I BET IF THE CONTEST WAS ABOUT SELLING PROPANE HE'D LET ME DO IT.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
THEN, AFTER WE GET BACK TO ARLEN WE'LL PUT THE MILLION DOLLARS IN A TRUST FUND SO IT WON'T RUIN BOBBY TILL AFTER WE'RE DEAD.
( sighs ) I HATE ZYDECO.
WHERE'S YOUR BAG, BILL? I'VE DECIDED TO STAY FOR A FEW DAYS.
BILL, THOSE WOMEN ARE TRYING TO SEDUCE YOU.
YOU THINK SO, TOO? I WAS AFRAID IT WAS JUST ME.
LISTEN TO ME.
TWO OF THESE WOMEN ARE WIDOWS OF THE DEAD DAUTERIVE SONS.
THEY'RE ONLY RELATED BY MARRIAGE, SO THEY ARE IN PLAY BUT ONE OF THEM IS YOUR FLESH-AND-BLOOD COUSIN.
SHE IS YOUR TICKET TO HELL.
OH, MY GOD.
WHICH ONE IS MY COUSIN? THAT I DO NOT KNOW SO JUST TO BE SAFE, KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ALL THREE.
I STILL HAVE A TWO-OUT-OF-THREE CHANCE.
I NEVER HAD THOSE ODDS.
BILL, IF YOU THINK GOOD-BYE, PEGGY.
WELL, I NEED A WINDOW SEAT BECAUSE THIS FLOWER IS WILTIN'.
OH, LORD.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE IN THE CAR NOW.
GO.
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO.
HAVE A PLEASANT JOURNEY AND DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK DIRECTIONS FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS ALREADY BEEN WHERE YOU THINK YOU NEED TO GO.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? LET "DANDY" DON MEREDITH TAKE THE THROW.
( sighs ) HANK, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEE DON MEREDITH.
SO, YOU MUST BE HANK HILL.
OH HUH.
MR.
MEREDITH, I HAVE ADMIRED YOU FROM YOUR PLAYING DAYS TO MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL TO YOUR ICED TEA COMMERCIALS.
WELL, MY MOM ALWAYS CALLS ME "DON" OR "DONNY.
" WOW, THAT'S A GREAT STORY, MR.
MEREDITH.
UH, SIR, THIS IS MY WIFE, PEGGY.
IF YOU WERE A WOMAN, I BELIEVE MY HUSBAND WOULD HAVE MARRIED YOU INSTEAD OF ME.
( chuckles ) FUNNY HOW LIFE WORKS OUT.
WELL, WHO'S THIS LITTLE FUTURE NOSE GUARD? LOOK, DON I'M A DANDY, TOO.
WHY, YOU SURE ARE, LITTLE SPORT.
( awkward chuckle ) YEAH.
HEY, THAT REMINDS ME, DON I'VE GOT YOUR OLD JERSEY FOR YOU TO WEAR DURING THE CONTEST.
( whistles ) YEAH, NAH, I HUNG THAT THING UP A LONG TIME AGO.
WHY DON'T YOU LET MY FRIEND HANK, HERE, WEAR IT? OH, I WOULD BE HONORED.
YOU GOT THE PANTS, TOO? YEAH.
COWBOY METALLIC BLUE.
( chuckles ) LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON.
THERE YOU GO, SPORT.
( startled yell ) OH, ROSE.
I WAS JUST TIDYING UP YOUR HUSBAND'S GRAVE.
OH, YOU ARE A SWEET, SWEET MAN.
Bill: D A DAUTERIVE! YOUR HUSBAND IS A DAUTERIVE! AND HE'S DEAD.
TAKE ME.
OKAY.
( both moaning ) NOW'S THE TIME TO FAKE AN INJURY IF YOU WANT TO.
IT'S HALFTIME, HANK.
WE'RE ON.
NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE ALAMO BEER MILLION-DOLLAR THROW.
ALAMO BEER WOULD LIKE TO WELCOME OUR CONTEST WINNER HANK HILL, FROM ARLEN, TEXAS AND DALLAS COWBOY LEGEND, "DANDY" DON MEREDITH.
( crowd cheering ) WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE, HANK? ARE YOU GOING TO GO FOR THE MILLION OR ARE YOU GOING TO LE "DANDY" DON TRY IT FOR $100,000? DON'T WORRY, PEGGY.
OUR BOY'S GOING TO COLLEGE.
I'M GOING TO TAKE THE SURE THING.
A-AREN'T YOU GOING TO TAKE OFF YOUR JACKET? ( coughs ) ( crowd groans ) TOUGH BREAK, SON.
HOW ABOUT A NICE HAND FOR "DANDY" DON MEREDITH.
HE DIDN'T EVEN TAKE OFF HIS JACKET.
I WANT A DO-OVER.
I COULD HAVE MADE THAT THROW.
HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU OWE MY SON A COLLEGE EDUCATION.
HEY, YOU, GET BACK HERE.
( crowd groans ) ROSE? UH-UH.
IT IS I, VIOLETTA.
OH, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING? THE ANSWER IS YES.
YEAH, I KNOW BUT YOUR FIRST HUSBAND-- WHAT IS THE NAME ON HIS FINAL RESTING CRYPT? ANSWER HIM, VIOLETTA.
LILY, BEGONE! HI, LILY.
THIS IS WRONG-- VIOLETTA IS YOUR BLOOD COUSIN, GUILLAUME.
SHE'S LYING.
I'M NOT YOUR COUSIN-- SHE IS.
YOU ARE THE LIAR.
WILLIAM.
ROSE? WE ARE NOT ALONE.
YES, I KNOW.
SHE IS YOUR COUSIN.
NO, SHE IS.
NO, SHE IS.
( women shrieking ) ( startled yell ) GILBERT? YOUR COUSIN IS VIOLETTA.
( feline hissing ) NOW, HOW LONG YOU BEEN SITTING THERE? 35 YEARS.
I WAS THE QUARTERBACK AND I HAD A CLEAR PATH TO THE END ZONE BUT INSTEAD, I HANDED IT OFF TO A GUY IN A FUZZY COAT WHO THREW IT LIKE A PLACE KICKER.
I DO BELIEVE I'LL GIVE ROOM SERVICE A JANGLE AND HAVE THEM SEND UP SOME ETOUFFE.
Bobby: NO! HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? AN APOLOGY.
HUH.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO BLINDSIDED A QUARTERBACK AT THE KNEES, HOSS.
UH, WELL, YEAH, I GUESS THAT WAS UNSPORTSMAN-LIKE CONDUCT.
I'M SORRY.
BUT STILL, WELL HERE'S MY POINT.
I WOULD HAVE MADE THAT THROW.
UH-HUH.
IF "IF" AND "BUTS" WERE CANDY AND NUTS WE'D ALL HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I WOULD HAVE.
ALL RIGHT, HOSS.
PROVE IT.
TAKE US TO THE SUPERDOME, CABBY.
VIOLETTA TELLS ME SHE DISCOVERED YOU IN A COMPROMISING POSITION WITH ROSE AND LILY.
TELL ME THIS.
WERE YOU HERE TO TILL THE SOIL AND NURTURE THE VINE OR WERE YOU JUST PLAYING IN THE GARDEN? PLAYING.
I THINK IT WOULD BE BEST IF YOU TOOK YOUR LEAVE.
CAN I SAY GOOD-BYE TO THE GIRLS? TEN YARDS ONE SHOT.
CONGRATULATIONS, SON.
YOU FEEL BETTER? NO.
IT'S NOT THE SAME.
THERE'S NO FANS IN THE STANDS.
THERE'S NO PRESSURE AND I DIDN'T WIN A MILLION DOLLARS.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, HANK.
WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY IS GONE.
MAYBE YOU WOULD HAVE MADE THAT THROW BUT YOU PICKED ME.
YEAH, I PICKED YOU BUT I THOUGHT AT LEAS YOU WOULD HAVE TAKEN OFF YOUR JACKET.
HANK, I PRACTICED THAT THROW ALL WEEK AT HOME.
I EVEN MADE A TEN-FOOT TALL REPLICA OF THE ALAMO BEER CAN.
IT GETS COLD IN NEW MEXICO THIS TIME OF YEAR SO I WORE MY COAT.
I WASN'T GOING TO CHANGE THAT YESTERDAY.
I DIDN'T WANT TO SCREW UP MY THROWING MOTION.
HUH.
WELL, HAD I KNOWN THA I PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE TACKLED YOU.
DAMNED IF I DIDN'T WANT TO COME THROUGH FOR YOU.
I'M SORRY I LET YOU DOWN BUT YOU'LL BE A LOT HAPPIER IF YOU LET THIS ONE GO, HANK.
I'LL NEVER HAVE A CHANCE LIKE THIS AGAIN.
NOPE.
YOU WON'T.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S SOMETHING I WANTED AS MUCH AS YOU WANTED THAT MILLION DOLLARS.
DON, YOU HAVE EVERYTHING.
YOU WERE A COWBOY DURING THE LANDRY YEARS.
I WANTED TO GO TO THE SUPER BOWL.
CAME CLOSE, BUT IT NEVER HAPPENED.
NEVER WILL, AND THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'VE NEVER LOOKED BACK.
IT IS AN HONOR JUST TO BE ON THE FIELD WITH YOU, "DANDY" DON.
YOU KNOW, I BUILT A TEN-FOOT ALAMO BEER CAN, TOO.
HUH.
DID YOU SPOT-WELD IT OR HOT GLUE? WELD.
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO GO, HOSS.
NICE WEEKEND, BILL? BOTH OF THEM.
Hank: WOW, THAT'S A GREAT STORY, MR.
MEREDITH.
" THAT'S WHAT I CALL LOSING THE BATTLE BUT WINNING THE WAR.
HURRY UP, HANK, FINISH YOUR BEER.
IT COULD BE THE WINNING ALAMO BEER CAN! BILL, THE ODDS OF WINNING THAT CONTEST ARE ONE IN A MILLION.
YEAH, IF YOU ONLY DRINK ONE BEER.
( guzzling ) AH.
( slurping ) AH.
IMAGINE, HANK, A TRIP TO NEW ORLEANS.
A CHANCE TO MEET "DANDY" DON MEREDITH AND WIN ONE OF THOSE REALLY BIG CARDBOARD CHECKS.
"SORRY.
PLEASE DRINK ANOTHER BEER.
" WELL, THEY ASKED NICELY.
"SORRY.
PLEASE DRINK ANOTHER BEER.
" ( belching ) THAT MADE SOME ROOM.
WELL, I THINK I'M GOING TO CALL IT A NIGHT.
POUR IT ON THE GROUND-- SEE IF YOU WON.
I HAVE NEVER POURED OUT BEER EVEN TO PUT OUT A GRASS FIRE.
HI, UNCLE HANK.
LUANNE.
( joyful screaming ) FIRST OF ALL YOU DIDN'T WIN ANYTHING.
UH-UH.
I WON A MILLION DOLLARS.
NO, THE CONTEST GIVES THE WINNER THE RIGH TO GO TO THE DALLAS COWBOYS- NEW ORLEANS SAINT GAME AND THROW A FOOTBALL THROUGH A SMALL HOLE IN A LARGE BEER CAN FOR A MILLION DOLLARS OR HAVE DALLAS COWBOYS LEGEND DON MEREDITH THROW I TO WIN $100,000.
IF YOU'D READ THE POINT OF PURCHASE DISPLAY AT 7-ELEVEN, YOU'D KNOW THAT.
OKAY, SO I THROW THE BALL THROUGH THE HOLE AND THEN I WIN.
NO.
I PAID FOR THAT BEER, SO IT'S MINE.
LET'S JUST SAY IT IS YOUR BEER.
HOW OLD ARE YOU? 19 1/2.
EXACTLY.
IF YOU TRIED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE, YOU'D BE INCARCERATED FOR UNDERAGE DRINKING.
SO IF IT'S YOUR BEER, YOU'D GET TO GO TO JAIL.
NOW, IF IT'S MY BEER, YOU GET TO COME TO NEW ORLEANS WITH US.
YOUR CALL.
NEW ORLEANS! SO, HANK, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THE HUNDRED THOU? 'COURSE, YOU COULD GO FOR THE MILLION DOLLARS.
( laughing ) ( laughing ) ( laughing ) YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK A CIVILIAN'S EVER MADE IT.
A TEN-YARD PASS THROUGH A ONE-FOOT HOLE PEOPLE SCREAMING IN THE STANDS THANK GOD FOR DON MEREDITH.
THANK YOU, GOD.
IT'S LIKE THEY'RE PAYING US $100,000 TO MEET DON MEREDITH.
SOMETHING I WOULD HAVE DONE FOR FREE.
THAT MONEY COULD PAY FOR BOBBY'S COLLEGE AND A MINI-FRIDGE FOR HIS DORM ROOM.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW WE COULD BUY ALL SORTS OF HIGHER EDUCATION AND APPLIANCES WITH, UH A MILLION DOLLARS.
WHAT? ARE YOU REALLY THINKING OF TAKING THAT THROW YOURSELF? UH, WHAT WOULD YOU THINK IF I WAS THINKING THAT? HANK, HONEY, IF YOU ARE WILLING TO GIVE UP A SURE THING AND GO FOR THE MILLION WELL, YOU'VE GOT MORE FRIJOLES THAN ANY MAN I'VE EVER KNOWN.
WHAT YOU DOIN', HANK? UH I'M JUST SEEING WHAT IT'S GOING TO BE LIKE FOR DON MEREDITH AT THE SUPERDOME.
HOW ABOUT I COME WITH? I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO EAT FRIED DOUGH IN THE MOST CORRUPT CITY ON EARTH.
UH THAT'S NICE AND ALL, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO BOTHER.
IT'S NO BOTHER.
YOU CAN DRIVE US, AND WE'LL STAY IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM.
UH, WELL I GUESS WE COULD WINGO, MAN! WE'RE GOING TO NEW ORLEANS! HEY, YOU KNOW, I'LL COME WITH, TOO.
THE DAUTERIVES ARE FROM LOUISIANA.
I LIVED IN THE BAYOU TILL I WAS SIX YEARS OLD! MY AUNT ESME STILL LIVES THERE.
YOU THINK WE CAN LOOK HER UP? UH, DANG IT, I KNOW WE CAN.
I PLANNED OUT THE ROUTE TO NEW ORLEANS VERY CAREFULLY.
THERE IS PLENTY OF TIME FOR A SIDE TRIP.
BILL, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU GREW UP IN CAJUN COUNTRY AND I DON'T CARE.
HMM.
AND HOW IS MY MAN WITH THE GOLDEN ARM? CALL THE BANK, MAKE SURE THEY HAVE ROOM IN OUR ACCOUN FOR $1 MILLION.
YOU'RE GOING TO GO FOR IT?! OH, HANK! YEAH.
WELL, I MADE 42 OUT OF 50.
WOULD HAVE MADE 43 BUT I USED A THROW TO DROP A BLUE JAY AT 20 FEE BEFORE HE COULD POOP ON YOUR CAR.
YOU'RE THAT GOOD? MM-HMM.
I GUESS YOU COULD SAY MY AIM IS DEADLY.
( laughing ) THAT BLUE JAY'S FINE, THOUGH.
( speaking Creole ) ( speaking Creole ) ( laughing ) THEY'RE SPEAKING SOME KIND OF FRENCH.
LET ME HANDLE THIS.
I SPEAK SPANISH-- IT'S THE SAME THING.
HEY, SENOR.
( stilted pronunciation): DIGAME LA DIRECCIONES A LA CASA DE LOS DAUTERIVES, POR FAVOR.
( whispering ): HE WANTS A TIP.
JE M'APPEL ( speaking Creole ) Peggy: BILL, I HAD NO IDEA THAT YOU SPOKE CAJUN.
PERHAPS THAT'S BECAUSE I I TRY NOT TO ASK YOU QUESTIONS.
WELL, I HAD NO IDEA, EITHER.
VOILA! ICI! ICI! Hank: GOOD LORD, I ALWAYS FIGURED YOUR FAMILY LIVED IN A TAR PAPER SHACK.
NOPE.
( speaking Creole ) WILLIAM.
( speaking Creole ) HANK, PEGGY, BOBBY, LUANNE, DALE BOOMHAUER.
WHO ARE YOU? ANSWERS IN THE FORM I AM GILBERT FONTAINE DE LA TOUR DAUTERIVE THE MAN OF THE HOUSE.
DALE GRIBBLE.
I AM ROSE, THE YOUNGEST.
OH ( muttering ) I AM LILY, THE YOUNGEST-LOOKING.
( muttering ) YOU'RE TERRIBLE.
I AM VIOLETTA, THE PRETTY ONE.
YOU ARE A GARDEN OF WOMEN.
AND YOU ARE THE WILLIAM WE'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT-- THE LAST REMAINING DAUTERIVE MALE, OR SHOULD I SAY OH, DON'T BOTHER.
OH! ( chuckling ): YOU KIND OF SNUCK UP ON ME THERE.
OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A CREEPER.
VIOLETTA SAYS I CREEP LIKE THE KUDZU VINES THAT ARE SLOWLY BUT SURELY STRANGLING OUR DIXIE.
UH-HUH.
WHAT FASCINATING THING ARE Y'ALL DOING? UH, I'M GOING TO BE THROWING AT A TARGET ABOUT YEA BIG AT THE COWBOY-SAINTS GAME.
IF I MAKE IT, I WIN A MILLION DOLLARS.
GOLDEN RICHARDS WAS A DALLAS COWBOY.
YEAH, YEAH, HE CAUGHT A TOUCHDOWN PASS IN SUPER BOWL XXII.
HE WAS A BEAUTIFUL MAN.
I KNEW HIM BRIEFLY.
UH-HUH MY HUSBAND ALPHONSE DAUTERIVE-- WILLIAM'S UNCLE BY BLOOD.
WHEN DID HE PASS? OH, HE LINGERS IN A ROOM IN THE BACK OF THE HOUSE HANGING ON BY THE THREAD OF A HOPE HE'LL SEE THE DAUTERIVE NAME PASSED ON TO ANOTHER GENERATION.
DOES WILLIAM HAVE ANY SONS? NOPE.
BILL IS UNHAPPILY DIVORCED AND WITHOUT CHILD.
( sighing ) PITY.
THE DAUTERIVE BLOOD IS DOWN TO A TRICKLE.
MY TWO SONS AND MY SON-IN-LAW GIRAC, RENE AND EMERIL DIED OF ARTERIAL SCLEROSIS IN THEIR 20s LEAVING THREE DESPERATE, CHILDLESS WIDOWS TO WANDER THIS HOUSE.
THEY ARE STRINGS ON A HARP STRETCHED FAR TOO TAUT.
IF THEY ARE NOT STRUMMED SOON ( chuckling ) WELL, THEY REALLY NEED TO BE STRUMMED.
THIS IS RIGHT OUT OF SHAKESPEARE.
THIS IS MY HUSBAND GIRAC.
THE LOUISIANA DIET WILL KILL A MAN AS SURELY AS A SWORD.
UH-HUH.
SO, ROSE, YOU'RE NOT MARRIED? I'M ALL ALONE IN THIS WORLD, WILLIAM.
( speaking French ) ( gasping ) ROSE? ROSE! ( triangle playing ) OH, HELLO, LILY.
THAT WAS PRETTY! NOW, WAS THAT A SONG, OR IS IT SUPPERTIME? ( sighing ) MY LATE HUSBAND RENE AND I USED TO MAKE MUSIC TOGETHER.
NOW THEY'RE ONLY NOTES.
( playing French cabaret melody ) OH, YOU PLAY BEAUTIFULLY.
I'M SURPRISED AS YOU ARE.
( gasping ) ( wheezing ) ROBERT, A YOUNG GENTLEMAN LIKE YOU SHOULD DRESS FOR DINNER.
WELL, LET'S JUST POKE AROUND MY OLD CHIFFOROBE AND FIND YOU SOMETHING SUITABLE.
MY LORD, THIS MUGGY NOVEMBER WEATHER GIVES ME THE HORRIBLES.
ROBERT, THIS HERE IS VELVET, NOT VELVETEEN.
A GENTLEMAN MUST LEARN THE DIFFERENCE.
( Cajun accent ): MY LORD! Gilbert: DINNER, LIKE YOUTH, WILL BE SERVED.
YO.
Lily: HELLO.
I PRESENT YOU YOUNG MASTER ROBERT.
[ Esme .]
LOVELY.
OH, MY GOD.
UH, BOBBY, WHY DON'T YOU LET ME SIT NEXT TO GILBER SO WE CAN, UH, TALK SPORTS? SO, UH, GILBERT HOW DO THE SAINTS LOOK THIS YEAR, HUH? ( laughing ) I'M MORE FAMILIAR WITH SINNERS THAN SAINTS, MY DEAR AND SINNERS ALWAYS LOOK GOOD.
( chuckling ) ( playing sprightly tune ) ( Hank sighs ) GET ME OUT OF HERE.
HONEY, YOU NEED TO TRY AND RELAX BEFORE YOUR BIG THROW.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SURE BEING A MILLIONAIRE IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA.
BOBBY'S ONLY BEEN AROUND RICH PEOPLE FOR A FEW HOURS AND HE ALREADY LOOKS LIKE THAT KID ON THE PAINT CAN.
THERE'S MORE TO IT THAN THAT, ISN'T THERE? ( sighs ) THIS PLACE, IT IT GIVES ME THE CREEPS.
EVERYTHING'S UPSIDE-DOWN.
BILL'S GETTING WOMEN AND BOBBY, WELL I MISSED A BUNCH OF THROWS TODAY AND I'M JUST THINKING-- WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GET TO THE SUPERDOME WITH ALL THOSE FANS WATCHING? DON'T YOU THINK DON MEREDITH MISSED A FEW PASSES IN PRACTICE? BUT WHEN THE GAME WAS ON THE LINE HE PUT IT RIGHT ON THE MONEY TO "BULLET" BOB HAYES AND LANCE "NO PANTS" RENTZEL.
SEE, THAT'S JUST IT.
HE'S THE QUARTERBACK.
I BET IF THE CONTEST WAS ABOUT SELLING PROPANE HE'D LET ME DO IT.
YOU CAN DO THIS.
THEN, AFTER WE GET BACK TO ARLEN WE'LL PUT THE MILLION DOLLARS IN A TRUST FUND SO IT WON'T RUIN BOBBY TILL AFTER WE'RE DEAD.
( sighs ) I HATE ZYDECO.
WHERE'S YOUR BAG, BILL? I'VE DECIDED TO STAY FOR A FEW DAYS.
BILL, THOSE WOMEN ARE TRYING TO SEDUCE YOU.
YOU THINK SO, TOO? I WAS AFRAID IT WAS JUST ME.
LISTEN TO ME.
TWO OF THESE WOMEN ARE WIDOWS OF THE DEAD DAUTERIVE SONS.
THEY'RE ONLY RELATED BY MARRIAGE, SO THEY ARE IN PLAY BUT ONE OF THEM IS YOUR FLESH-AND-BLOOD COUSIN.
SHE IS YOUR TICKET TO HELL.
OH, MY GOD.
WHICH ONE IS MY COUSIN? THAT I DO NOT KNOW SO JUST TO BE SAFE, KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ALL THREE.
I STILL HAVE A TWO-OUT-OF-THREE CHANCE.
I NEVER HAD THOSE ODDS.
BILL, IF YOU THINK GOOD-BYE, PEGGY.
WELL, I NEED A WINDOW SEAT BECAUSE THIS FLOWER IS WILTIN'.
OH, LORD.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE IN THE CAR NOW.
GO.
GO, GO, GO, GO, GO.
HAVE A PLEASANT JOURNEY AND DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK DIRECTIONS FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS ALREADY BEEN WHERE YOU THINK YOU NEED TO GO.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? LET "DANDY" DON MEREDITH TAKE THE THROW.
( sighs ) HANK, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEE DON MEREDITH.
SO, YOU MUST BE HANK HILL.
OH HUH.
MR.
MEREDITH, I HAVE ADMIRED YOU FROM YOUR PLAYING DAYS TO MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL TO YOUR ICED TEA COMMERCIALS.
WELL, MY MOM ALWAYS CALLS ME "DON" OR "DONNY.
" WOW, THAT'S A GREAT STORY, MR.
MEREDITH.
UH, SIR, THIS IS MY WIFE, PEGGY.
IF YOU WERE A WOMAN, I BELIEVE MY HUSBAND WOULD HAVE MARRIED YOU INSTEAD OF ME.
( chuckles ) FUNNY HOW LIFE WORKS OUT.
WELL, WHO'S THIS LITTLE FUTURE NOSE GUARD? LOOK, DON I'M A DANDY, TOO.
WHY, YOU SURE ARE, LITTLE SPORT.
( awkward chuckle ) YEAH.
HEY, THAT REMINDS ME, DON I'VE GOT YOUR OLD JERSEY FOR YOU TO WEAR DURING THE CONTEST.
( whistles ) YEAH, NAH, I HUNG THAT THING UP A LONG TIME AGO.
WHY DON'T YOU LET MY FRIEND HANK, HERE, WEAR IT? OH, I WOULD BE HONORED.
YOU GOT THE PANTS, TOO? YEAH.
COWBOY METALLIC BLUE.
( chuckles ) LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON.
THERE YOU GO, SPORT.
( startled yell ) OH, ROSE.
I WAS JUST TIDYING UP YOUR HUSBAND'S GRAVE.
OH, YOU ARE A SWEET, SWEET MAN.
Bill: D A DAUTERIVE! YOUR HUSBAND IS A DAUTERIVE! AND HE'S DEAD.
TAKE ME.
OKAY.
( both moaning ) NOW'S THE TIME TO FAKE AN INJURY IF YOU WANT TO.
IT'S HALFTIME, HANK.
WE'RE ON.
NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE ALAMO BEER MILLION-DOLLAR THROW.
ALAMO BEER WOULD LIKE TO WELCOME OUR CONTEST WINNER HANK HILL, FROM ARLEN, TEXAS AND DALLAS COWBOY LEGEND, "DANDY" DON MEREDITH.
( crowd cheering ) WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE, HANK? ARE YOU GOING TO GO FOR THE MILLION OR ARE YOU GOING TO LE "DANDY" DON TRY IT FOR $100,000? DON'T WORRY, PEGGY.
OUR BOY'S GOING TO COLLEGE.
I'M GOING TO TAKE THE SURE THING.
A-AREN'T YOU GOING TO TAKE OFF YOUR JACKET? ( coughs ) ( crowd groans ) TOUGH BREAK, SON.
HOW ABOUT A NICE HAND FOR "DANDY" DON MEREDITH.
HE DIDN'T EVEN TAKE OFF HIS JACKET.
I WANT A DO-OVER.
I COULD HAVE MADE THAT THROW.
HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU OWE MY SON A COLLEGE EDUCATION.
HEY, YOU, GET BACK HERE.
( crowd groans ) ROSE? UH-UH.
IT IS I, VIOLETTA.
OH, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING? THE ANSWER IS YES.
YEAH, I KNOW BUT YOUR FIRST HUSBAND-- WHAT IS THE NAME ON HIS FINAL RESTING CRYPT? ANSWER HIM, VIOLETTA.
LILY, BEGONE! HI, LILY.
THIS IS WRONG-- VIOLETTA IS YOUR BLOOD COUSIN, GUILLAUME.
SHE'S LYING.
I'M NOT YOUR COUSIN-- SHE IS.
YOU ARE THE LIAR.
WILLIAM.
ROSE? WE ARE NOT ALONE.
YES, I KNOW.
SHE IS YOUR COUSIN.
NO, SHE IS.
NO, SHE IS.
( women shrieking ) ( startled yell ) GILBERT? YOUR COUSIN IS VIOLETTA.
( feline hissing ) NOW, HOW LONG YOU BEEN SITTING THERE? 35 YEARS.
I WAS THE QUARTERBACK AND I HAD A CLEAR PATH TO THE END ZONE BUT INSTEAD, I HANDED IT OFF TO A GUY IN A FUZZY COAT WHO THREW IT LIKE A PLACE KICKER.
I DO BELIEVE I'LL GIVE ROOM SERVICE A JANGLE AND HAVE THEM SEND UP SOME ETOUFFE.
Bobby: NO! HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT? AN APOLOGY.
HUH.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO BLINDSIDED A QUARTERBACK AT THE KNEES, HOSS.
UH, WELL, YEAH, I GUESS THAT WAS UNSPORTSMAN-LIKE CONDUCT.
I'M SORRY.
BUT STILL, WELL HERE'S MY POINT.
I WOULD HAVE MADE THAT THROW.
UH-HUH.
IF "IF" AND "BUTS" WERE CANDY AND NUTS WE'D ALL HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I WOULD HAVE.
ALL RIGHT, HOSS.
PROVE IT.
TAKE US TO THE SUPERDOME, CABBY.
VIOLETTA TELLS ME SHE DISCOVERED YOU IN A COMPROMISING POSITION WITH ROSE AND LILY.
TELL ME THIS.
WERE YOU HERE TO TILL THE SOIL AND NURTURE THE VINE OR WERE YOU JUST PLAYING IN THE GARDEN? PLAYING.
I THINK IT WOULD BE BEST IF YOU TOOK YOUR LEAVE.
CAN I SAY GOOD-BYE TO THE GIRLS? TEN YARDS ONE SHOT.
CONGRATULATIONS, SON.
YOU FEEL BETTER? NO.
IT'S NOT THE SAME.
THERE'S NO FANS IN THE STANDS.
THERE'S NO PRESSURE AND I DIDN'T WIN A MILLION DOLLARS.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, HANK.
WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY IS GONE.
MAYBE YOU WOULD HAVE MADE THAT THROW BUT YOU PICKED ME.
YEAH, I PICKED YOU BUT I THOUGHT AT LEAS YOU WOULD HAVE TAKEN OFF YOUR JACKET.
HANK, I PRACTICED THAT THROW ALL WEEK AT HOME.
I EVEN MADE A TEN-FOOT TALL REPLICA OF THE ALAMO BEER CAN.
IT GETS COLD IN NEW MEXICO THIS TIME OF YEAR SO I WORE MY COAT.
I WASN'T GOING TO CHANGE THAT YESTERDAY.
I DIDN'T WANT TO SCREW UP MY THROWING MOTION.
HUH.
WELL, HAD I KNOWN THA I PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE TACKLED YOU.
DAMNED IF I DIDN'T WANT TO COME THROUGH FOR YOU.
I'M SORRY I LET YOU DOWN BUT YOU'LL BE A LOT HAPPIER IF YOU LET THIS ONE GO, HANK.
I'LL NEVER HAVE A CHANCE LIKE THIS AGAIN.
NOPE.
YOU WON'T.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S SOMETHING I WANTED AS MUCH AS YOU WANTED THAT MILLION DOLLARS.
DON, YOU HAVE EVERYTHING.
YOU WERE A COWBOY DURING THE LANDRY YEARS.
I WANTED TO GO TO THE SUPER BOWL.
CAME CLOSE, BUT IT NEVER HAPPENED.
NEVER WILL, AND THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'VE NEVER LOOKED BACK.
IT IS AN HONOR JUST TO BE ON THE FIELD WITH YOU, "DANDY" DON.
YOU KNOW, I BUILT A TEN-FOOT ALAMO BEER CAN, TOO.
HUH.
DID YOU SPOT-WELD IT OR HOT GLUE? WELD.
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO GO, HOSS.
NICE WEEKEND, BILL? BOTH OF THEM.
Hank: WOW, THAT'S A GREAT STORY, MR.
MEREDITH.