Mike & Molly s04e06 Episode Script

Hey, honey.
Whatcha doing? Just going through your credit card bills.
Uh, ye Coming! Nobody else is home, Molly.
Have a seat.
This is becoming, like, an every month thing for you.
Well, now that we're a one-income family we really have got to watch our spending.
Hey, I've been really good lately no Starbucks, no manicures, I've only had one palm reading.
What? See? Madam Olga said you'd be upset.
You're hilarious.
Look, I was going over these bills, and I think there's a few more areas where we can cut back.
Let's hear it.
Well, how about this "Wax On, Wax Off" place, is that a car wash? 'Cause I could do that in the driveway.
That's my bikini wax, you want to do that in the driveway? We'll file that under "medical expenses"" Here's what we don't need NFL Sports Package.
No, no, no, no! We both need that.
If I'm not watching football here, I'm at a bar.
If I'm at a bar, having a few beers.
Now, games are Sunday, Monday, and Thursday.
Let's say at least three beers per game, times 17 weeks Uh-huh.
plus playoffs.
Saving $50 has cost you one husband to alcoholism.
Anything's better than this.
What? What? O-Okay.
Oh, here, here's a perfect example of a luxury item we do not need.
Bottled water.
Mike, we need water to live.
We have it right here.
Look, and it's free.
From Lake Michigan to our home.
See? Perfectly good water.
You gonna drink that or paint the house with it? Well, give it a second, you just got to let the minerals and vitamins sink to the bottom.
Or I have another idea how about you drink that, I'll drink the bottled water.
It'll last twice as long.
Who just cut our water bill in half? You're welcome.
Out of water? Mine's still full.
Mine will be let me just swap out this dead soldier.
You can't lift that jug, let me help you with it.
No, I got it, it's my water.
I can change it.
Just enjoy your "Cloudy with a Chance of Hep C"" Would you like some help? No, I got it.
Oh God! Easy-peasy.
All right, so it's just a little a full flip, and there we go.
It's delicious.
La, la-ba-dee-da La, la-ba-dee-da For the first time in my life I see love I see love For the first time in my life I see love Just leave the pot.
I hardly slept.
Well, you should get a body pillow.
Ever since I got one, I've been sleeping like a baby.
I literally woke up with my thumb in my mouth.
Well, don't tell me where the other thumb was, I had enough nightmares last night.
Have you heard the one where you wake to the passionate sounds of your roommate humping a body pillow? I told you, I was just flipping it to the cool side.
My thighs get hot.
No, this dream started with all my teeth crumbling.
Oh, that usually represents a feeling of powerlessness, like your life is falling apart.
Or it could reflect your dental hygiene.
Picking your teeth with a parking citation is not the same as flossing.
After my teeth fell out, I was suddenly in a bathroom.
I sat on a pot, and money just started pouring out of it coins, bills, everything.
But when I tried to grab it, it all flushed away.
Diarrhea money.
This is a very common dream.
Your loose bowels represent a lack of control in your life.
The money could be anything.
Like money.
Yeah! Money! At the rate me and Molly are paying down our debt, our first home's gonna be a nursing home.
Boo-hoo.
My credit rating is so bad, I can't even get into debt.
Mm! Praise God, someday.
Yeah, I feel bad for you guys, 'cause after 37 years of living with my grandma I'm flush.
I'm paying for lunch, aren't I? Samuel, get me the dessert menu.
Oh, uh-oh Ooh Do you want to go in? No, no, no, I'm fine out here.
I promised Mike I would be good, and I'm going to be good.
God, those shoes are beautiful.
Oh, I think I can smell the leather through the glass.
Can't you just try them on? No, I can't try them on.
I try them on, I'm I'm gonna buy 'em, and, I mean You know, I guess if I tried on just one you know, in maybe, like, a size too small, then it would pinch, and that would be a really bad shoe experience, and I wouldn't want to I wouldn't want to get them, you know.
B-But, if-if they run big, and it fits perfectly, then I got, you know, that's fate and who am I to deal with fate, so then I am buying the shoe No, you know what, I'm-I'm just gonna st I'm not going in.
Okay, then we'll leave.
No, we're not leaving.
You're trying on shoes! Get in there! Hey, hey, hey, hey! We don't need boots.
No, come here.
These are the showstoppers.
The black ones.
Yeah, they're all black.
Yeah, not the ugly black ones, the amazing black ones.
These.
Come on.
No no! I'm not the bass player for KISS.
Come on, one up, one up, and two over.
One up, up, up, up.
Two over.
Two over.
Two yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
These are nice.
Right? I know! Hello! Excuse me, do you have these in nine? Or eight? Eight? But I'm a nine.
All right, fine.
Do they run small? That's the last pair we have and it's an eight.
Did you say eight? 'Cause I'll take 'em.
I thought you weren't gonna buy anything.
I'm not, you are.
Put it on my credit cards.
I was never here.
I'll meet you in the alley.
Oh, God.
Why did you let me let you do something that I wasn't supposed to do? And why are you so beautiful? I know this is weird, coming from your stoner sister: But you've got a problem.
The only problem she'll have is if Mike sees them.
You want me to keep them in my vibrator cabinet? I lock those up like guns.
No.
I mean, I did it, I have to be honest and own up to my own mistakes.
Molly! Oh, God, get 'em off, get 'em off, get 'em off! Oh, oh! Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, you.
I stayed home all day, I don't know what these two did.
What's up with those two? Drunk? High? Who knows.
Addiction is a problem, and we have to be understanding.
Why are you so tall? Why are you so handsome? Where are you going? Where are you going? What are you doing? What are you doing? No, no.
Are those new shoes? No.
Really? No.
How much were they? They were on sale.
Really? Yes.
Molly? No.
You are killing me! Come on, they're one pair of shoes.
I promise I won't do it again.
You say that every time.
But we're drowning in debt and it's all on my shoulders.
It's not all on your shoulders, it's on my shoulders, too.
How? Are you going to work every day? No, you're just going out and shopping and spending all of my money.
Really? Oh, boy.
Your money? Wow.
Look, I don't turn this on me, you're the one who bought the stupid shoes.
Stupid shoes, your money.
Hey, I'm right on this one, and you're not making me feel bad about it.
Damn it! I feel bad about it.
Vince.
There he is.
Have a seat, champ.
Brewed a fresh pot of coffee and made you some eggs.
Why are you making me breakfast? You got to be hungry after that ass chewing you gave your wife.
You heard about that? The whole house is abuzz.
Sit down, hero.
Hero.
I slept on a La-Z-Boy in the basement last night.
And Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
It was just a dumb fight about shoes.
No, it was much more than that.
You said, "my money.
" You had the balls to say what a generation of men have wanted to since the dawn of joint checking accounts.
Morning.
Morning, Moll.
Nice shoes.
Yeah, bite me.
Just so you know, I'm going out and getting a job today, just so I can pay you back your precious money.
Molly, you're being ridiculous.
You don't have to get a job.
Oh, am I ridiculous now, too? You know what? I'm gonna put that on my resumption under "Special Skills"" Hey, if you're looking for a job, I got a buddy who owns a school teaching foreigners how to drive cars.
You'd be surprised how much money you can make exploiting the undocumented immigrant market.
I have a master's degree, Vince, okay? I think I can get something a little bit better than that.
Wow.
You may never get laid again.
So, do you have any skills? Uh, yeah, I was a teacher for the Chicago school system for the last ten years, so Oh.
No skills.
No, no, no, I have, I have skills I can type.
I'm very good with a computer.
Oh, that's terrific.
Uh, how do you feel about house painting? Painting.
Well, I couldn't start you off as a painter.
No, maybe a scraper or a prepper.
A can shaker.
That I-I have a master's degree.
Well, if it's a master's degree in air-conditioning repair, you're in luck.
Uh, no, it's in medieval literature.
Um, I just, I just think that I have a little more to offer the world than manual labor.
Well, the world doesn't give a hot crap.
Do you mind if, uh, we get real for a second? Realer than that? Here it is: We're all screwed.
If you don't have money now, you are never getting any.
Because the three guys that have it all are not sharing.
Are you sure that you're the one I'm supposed to be talking to about getting a job? There are no jobs.
In fact, this agency is shutting down in two weeks.
We're all getting laid off.
And I just got a fully-loaded Ford Focus.
Those are nice.
Yeah.
Nice enough to live in? You know what, I'm just I'm probably just gonna go.
Hey, you know how about you get yourself a little treat at lunch, on me.
Bless you.
You know I'm gonna spend this on liquor.
I do.
Can't believe this is the only job I could get.
I have a master's degree.
I'm just doing this so I can get a job driving a taxi.
And I have a PhD.
Well, good for you, Dr.
Don't Have a Driver's License.
Ten and two! That's 11 and one! Ten and two! You know, this is me and Molly's first big fight.
Well, that's what happens with couples.
I remember our first big fight.
The day you brought harmonica to work? No.
Before that.
When I snatched that second double cheeseburger out of your hand.
Oh, right, that was a bad one.
Yeah.
You bit me.
I let up when I realized it wasn't hamburger.
I-I just didn't understand the issues that you were going through, but you know, I did it out of love.
Oh, I know.
It was right after that that I joined OA.
Molly?! She was there, too.
Changed my whole life.
No, Molly.
Molly? Oh, you got to be kidding me.
Drive.
Drive.
It's a red light.
Then check both ways, but go, go, go! Where is she going? She was looking right at me.
Wow.
Never seen somebody storm off in a Prius.
Didn't make any noise, but it sure made her point.
Follow that car.
Damn it, we can't shake these clowns.
Aren't we supposed to pull over for the police? Only if there's lights and a siren.
Gah! Oh.
Oh, my goodness.
Just keep it together, professor, and make a left up here.
Don't use your signal, they'll know which way we're turning.
Just accelerate through the turn.
Watch it.
I don't know why that woman's taking classes.
You see the way she just took that corner? Molly, pull over, we need to talk.
The police know you?! Are you a criminal? No, I'm your one chance out of this mess.
Speed bump.
Aah! Speed bump.
You know, I hate to pry, but obviously, this is a result of a lack of communication between you and your spouse.
Shut up, you.
I'm just saying, I know how you can be.
Hey, I'm not in the wrong, here.
She bought the shoes.
Ah.
See what you did, there? Instead of trying to find a solution, you're trying to lay blame.
Really? So even when she's wrong I don't get to be right.
Like Oprah says, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?" Oprah isn't married.
Well, she's got Gayle.
Come on, Molly, pull over the car, please.
Please, please let me pull over.
Oh, fine.
If you're gonna be such a stickler for the law, you're never gonna make it as a cabbie in this town.
I know she's my wife, but this is still evading arrest.
Don't go in with a hot head.
Listen, acknowledge, admit, and apologize.
LAAA.
Oprah? Carl.
Molly, what the hell are you doing? I am trying to earn my own money.
This is ridiculous.
Why? What you said is true the money you make is not my money.
It is your money.
No, it's not.
I'm not working, I'm just spending.
Well, you're working at trying to be a writer.
I don't even know if I'm good enough to be one.
You are.
How do you know? I I don't even know.
And that's what scares the hell out of me.
Then I get scared, and I get nervous, and I go shopping, and if I go shopping, I buy stupid shoes, all trying to make me feel better.
Do they make you feel better? Yes.
Then you should keep 'em.
No, I can't.
Yes, you can.
I want you to be happy.
'Cause when you're not happy, I'm miserable.
In that case, there's a there's a purse and a belt that might put me over the moon.
Don't push it.
I know.
You're right.
And I'm going to, I'm going to work really hard to be better.
You know what? I'm gonna give you my credit cards.
You don't have to do that.
No, I want-I want to.
I already canceled them.
Even the ones you don't know about? You're gonna be the death of me.
I'll see you at home.
Sorry.
Are we in trouble? No, no.
Just take a turn at the next light and head towards Michigan Avenue.
I've got a purse and a belt I need to return.
Okay, I'd like to return these.
Uh, funny story I got home, and my husband had already bought me the same shoes, the same belt and the same purse.
I mean, does he know me or what? You wore these.
No, no, I didn't.
They're still warm.
All right, then take back the purse and belt.
Come on, my frickin' marriage is on the line here.
Best I can do is give you a store credit.
Okay, I'll take the purse and the belt.