Queer as Folk s04e06 Episode Script
Death in the Family
One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Shake it, dude.
Cue the pulse to begin Cue the pulse to begin Cue the pulse to begin Cue the pulse to begin That new campaign you came up with for us is a stroke of genius.
Oh, thanks, Charlie.
Of course.
I couldn't agree with you more.
So these are the people who make you rich? God love 'em.
And here's your cut of the action.
Brian The Concerned Citizens for the Truth would like to thank the citizens of Liberty Avenue for their generous support.
Brian, it was a gift, a way of saying thank you.
Well, now it's my turn.
Besides, you know me.
I'll only blow it on booze and debauchery and the Armani spring collection.
Well, in that case Case closed.
Jeanette and Anna have their son back, and an unfair decision's been overturned.
Ah, congratulations, Mel.
Well, I owe it all to you.
Mmm me? For reminding me to have the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to accept the things I can't.
Yeah, still working on that myself.
Yeah, I tried to make it work, but, um, living alone was just too fucking lonely.
And too lonely fucking.
Right, Em? Now she's living in sin.
Or right across the hall from it.
Just make sure to put the toilet seat down.
Deb gets a little touchy.
Oh, 'specially at 2:00 o'clock in the morning.
'Cause I'd rather fall in than have to put up with that ingrate I used to live with.
The ingratitude of those publishers, rejecting your second novel.
Well, when it comes to the bottom line, there's no such thing as loyalty.
You'll find another publisher.
Attention.
Attention, everyone.
Come with me.
He's gonna make a speech.
Um I'd like to thank my clients Um, my employees oh.
And my friends for being here tonight to help launch Kinnetik.
It hasn't been easy.
They say that the market is shrinking.
They say that it's the wrong time to start a new agency.
Well, I say "Don't believe a fucking word.
" Especially in advertising.
The guy's got balls.
You don't know the half of 'em.
Sis.
Sis.
Waitress! Betty, hon, you want to take table number five? I'm busy.
Sure, Deb.
What can I get for you gents? My fucking sister.
Justin, Justin.
Check this out.
What is it? It's an e-mail, but look who it's from.
Brett Keller.
The director? Yeah, "Ratman 2", "Pharmacy Cowboy", "V-men".
He says he's a big fan of "Rage".
That's awesome.
Yeah.
Especially in the part where he says he wants to make it into a movie.
Are you serious? A movie? A movie? Who's making a movie? Brett Keller would like to "float the possibility of turning your brilliant comic book into a live-action feature".
Oh my god! Oh, Michael! I I always said you'd be rich and famous one day.
I did.
Oh my god, I I can't breathe.
Oh, honey.
Deb, take it easy.
Ma, sit down.
Betty, could you bring some water? Sure thing.
Are you all right, sis? I'm perfectly fine.
There's no need to concern yourself.
Brett Keller wants to make a movie out of "Rage.
" Well, congratulations, you two.
When's the premiere? He's taking his mother.
You can rent it at blockbuster.
When are you going to let up on Uncle Vic? I don't wish to discuss my brother.
I'm still waiting on that side of slaw.
Just because he didn't invite you to his dinner party? It's not just that.
He obviously just doesn't want me around any more.
You know that's not true.
He has his own life now.
That doesn't mean he loves you any less.
Hey.
Remember what you always told me? "Blood is thicker than marinara sauce.
" If that's how she wants it, there's nothing you can do, except go on with your life.
Thanks.
I thought we might arrange the landscapes according to season.
Lindsay? Hmm? Oh.
Oh, sorry, Sidney.
I said I was thinking we could arrange the landscapes according to season.
Sure.
Great idea.
What are you reading? Your horoscope? Huh.
The new Auerbach mural.
Ah.
I stopped by yesterday to take a peek.
Pretty amazing.
I've always loved his work.
He's always evolving and always challenging himself.
Hey, Sidney, what would you think of doing an exhibit of his work in conjunction with the mural? It'd be a dream come true.
Except that it won't.
His New York rep already told the Carnegie Gallery "No".
Well, there's no harm in asking him ourselves.
My horoscope said, "take a chance".
I suggest that it's time to get our head out of the stars, and get back down to earth.
Now, I think we should arrange the landscapes into seasons.
Okay.
He wants to make "Rage" into a movie.
Brian: So? Cynthia: Brett Keller.
That's fantastic.
Are these rates firm? As my abs.
I bought one of those machines.
Did you hear what I said? Yeah, he wants to make it into a movie.
Tell them we'll book the next three issues if they knock off 15%.
Aren't you proud of me? I'm going to be rich.
Good.
Now you can pay back the thousands I spent on your aborted education.
Who needs school when you have a picture deal? You still won't have a degree.
I already have an idea for the first feature.
Assuming, of course, there are going to be numerous sequels.
J.
T.
Gets even with his bashers, goes to Hollywood and becomes a star.
Wow! Where'd you get that brainstorm? How about we go to Babylon later and celebrate? Sorry.
It's a school night.
Cynthia, when is the deadline on that run? Noon tomorrow.
Hey, Spielberg.
Ho.
One drink.
Oh, okay.
Here you go, honey.
I put some miniature marshmallows on top.
Oh-h! I love miniature marshmallows.
I've always thought of them as angels' balls.
It's good to know they got 'em.
Whoa! That is one fucking red door.
It's not "fucking red", it's "jungle red".
And I figured, since you're the most colourful person on the block, why not have a door to match? Hah! It's nice.
Hey, Teddy! Hey, Deb.
Hi, honey.
Wanna come in for some hot chocolate? Uh no.
Uh, thanks, I'm not I'm not staying.
Too bad.
Well, if you change your mind, I got a fresh bag of angels' balls.
Hmm! Well, aren't you going to make some caustic remark? About what? My moving in with Deb? You know, "Now Emmett's got his own personal fag hag.
" I think it's a great idea.
Living alone would've driven you nuts, and I'm sure Deb enjoys having a new roomie.
So all in all, I'd say it's an ideal arrangement.
Almost as perfect as your working for Brian.
I told him he's betting on a loser, but wouldn't be the first time a long shot came from behind, I guess.
We'll call you Seabiscuit.
As, uh as part of my recovery, I'm trying to make amends for my behaviour.
So I've written letters apologizing to everyone.
Michael, Ben, Brian, Mel and Linz you.
Hmph.
Last, as always.
Dammit, emmett, you know you're not last.
Or least.
It's very admirable, Ted.
Admitting your mistakes.
Did everyone forgive you? So far.
Must make you feel better.
Can't tell you how relieved I am.
Good for you.
But what's reading this letter Going to do for me? Hmm? Will it take away all the damage that's been done? All the pain that's been inflicted? Will it make up for my feeling inadequate and helpless? Or erase all those memories of you descending into your addiction, while you tried to drag me down with you? Well sorry, Teddy.
You'll just have to get your feel-good fix from someone else.
That's so tight.
That's so cool.
Oh! Whoa! First I'm going to pay off my mom's house, then I'm going to put a down payment on a house for us.
Then I'm going to buy a car.
A Porsche Carrera.
It's only a two-seater.
Don't worry.
We'll let you ride in it once in a while.
Right, Ben? Right, pal.
Although I don't know which fantasy's crazier, the one you're watching or the one you're telling yourselves.
Why is it so crazy? Just because he says he wants to make it into a movie doesn't mean it will ever see the light of day.
This part's so cool.
I don't know why not.
I can just see rage doing something like that.
Those guys talk big, but we'll see if they deliver.
Who's going to play Rage? Tom Cruise.
Brad Pitt.
Those geezers? You got to get Ashton Kutcher.
Where are you going? Some of us non-Hollywood types have a faculty meeting in the morning.
Come on, stay and watch for a few minutes.
I'll sit on your lap.
Brett Keller film isn't my thing.
"V-men" was one of the top grossers of last year.
All that proves is there're a lot of people out there who don't mind settling for mindless entertainment.
That's why I like it.
Don't come to bed too late.
Fucking awesome! Sam need this done now.
I'll just thin out the cadmium and then add more white to the red.
Excuse me, I'm looking for Mr.
Auerbach.
Excuse me, is Sam Auerbach here? You call this a bagel? You might say his presence is everywhere.
A lox wouldn't be caught dead on this.
Sorry, Sam.
If I were you, I'd flee his wrath as fast as you can.
Will someone find me a real bagel? And a shmeer.
I'm on it, Sam.
Gotta run.
I don't know how the hell Andy lived in this godforsaken burg, but I sure as hell know why he left.
Mr.
Auerbach? Yeah.
Who are you? My name is Lindsay Peterson.
I need that paint mixed.
Where the fuck is Jerome? You just sent him out for bagels.
Huh Mr.
Auerbach, I'm a tremendous fan of your work.
I-I-I I think you're probably the most brilliant painter I know.
I know.
I'm, uh you'll excuse me a moment, I gotta pee like a son of a bitch.
I'll speak quickly.
I'll try to hold it.
Thank you.
I'm from the Sidney Bloom Gallery and we were hoping we might interest you in a show of your recent works, including perhaps some drawings for the mural? Why don't you just take it up with my agent? I feel the personal touch is always the best.
Miranda, honey, uh, would you just, uh, take these brushes up there for me? Sure, Sam.
Thanks, sweetheart.
See, now that's what I call the personal touch.
If I have to listen to Moaning Mona cry one more time about how she misses her pills, I'm going to shove a goddamn Percocet down her throat myself.
There's a lesson in every story.
Yeah.
And the lesson today was: You can be a hopeless addict, you can destroy your life and the life of everyone around you, but don't bore your audience.
Just keep coming.
I know, I know.
Mona will work her steps and you'll work yours.
Yeah.
Except I seem to have forgotten where my steps are leading me.
Sobriety.
Wholeness.
I don't mean that.
Look, if what Emmett says was true, that the only reason that I'm writing these is so that everyone will forgive me and I can feel good about myself, then that's really no different than the way I was using them before.
In which case he was right not to accept it.
Look, I know it's upsetting.
The person you most wanted to hear you, refused to listen.
But you can't be responsible for his reaction.
Just spare me the A.
A.
bullshit, would you? You offered him your truth.
Yeah, "my truth".
That's all that matters.
Well, if that's all that matters, how come you've never offered me your truth? You know, I'm going to skip the coffee.
I'll see you later.
Sis.
I'm so glad you're here.
I guess I kinda overreacted the other night, but, uh, you know me.
Queen of the drama queens.
So, uh, how about a piece of kugelhof? I just baked it.
That's what I miss.
The smell of your kugelhof.
I baked an extra one for you.
I'm sorry if you were hurt, sis.
You know that's the last thing I'd ever want to do.
I know that, baby.
It's just that I'm entitled to my own life.
Who said you weren't? Especially after all it took for me to get it.
Hmm, you and me both.
So then let's be happy that we each finally have our own lives.
Well, yeah, you certainly do.
A sweet little apartment and a boyfriend.
Life partner.
Life partner.
It's a miracle.
Of course, it takes a miracle worker to make a miracle happen.
And I'm not just talking about the good lord above.
I know, sis, I know.
How about a piece of kugelhof? I'm talking sheer will and hard work and sacrifices.
Lots of sacrifices.
You know, like my nursing you myself when your health insurance ran out.
Cleaning up your vomit and wiping your ass.
Jesus Christ, if I have to hear about you wiping my ass one more time Well, if I had to do it, you can fucking hear about it.
I mean, who else would've done it if it wasn't for me? If I hadn't taken you in, where would you have gone? What would've happened to you? I think we both know the answer to that, so I'm just saying don't forget who put their life on hold, so that you one day could live yours.
I'll never forget and I'll always be grateful.
But I never asked or expected you to sacrifice your life.
Well how else was it gonna happen? By magic? I'd be damned if I was gonna let that disease get you, not as long as I had one ounce of strength left.
Why else do you think I did it? "I thought you did it for me, mama".
What the hell is that supposed to mean? You think I did it for me? If it gave you a sense of purpose, a way to feel good about yourself.
You fucking little ingrate.
Look, this is my house.
You don't talk to me that way.
Your house? Aren't you suddenly high and mighty? I'm not even surprised.
You know, you you took what you needed, and the first chance you got, it was "So long, sucker!" That's not true.
The hell it isn't! You used me.
And you used me.
I think you'd better leave.
Don't even bother asking.
'Cause you know what? I'm already gone.
Yeah.
And don't bother coming back until you say you're sorry.
And don't you worry, because I'm never coming back.
I don't give a shit if I ever see you again.
Oh, excuse me.
You want an apology? Here's my apology: Fuck you, little brother.
Fuck you.
You know the problem with our extracurricular, one-fuck-only policy? Is it that after a while, you start asking yourself "Am I doing this because I want to do it, or because I need to do it? And if I need to do it, is it to prove to myself I'm still young and attractive? Or 'cause I think I'm unworthy of being loved?" Or maybe it's because I've had every fuckable guy in this city.
What about him? Ah the scent of fresh meat.
Thrill of the kill.
Hey, too bad, Simba.
It's me he's checking out.
In your dreams.
You want to bet? What are the stakes? If I win, you take me on an all-expense paid trip to "Ibeeza".
It's pronounced "Ibeetha".
And it's a long way to go for a bathhouse with sand.
And if you win? If I win You go back to school.
No fucking way.
Your call.
No, wait.
Wait.
All right.
Okay.
You're on.
'Cause I know he was checking me out.
Shit.
He's gone.
He who hesitates doesn't get laid.
The man is a pig, an absolute pig.
Ah, you know what they say about meeting your heroes.
Whoever said it must have met him.
If I wasn't already a dyke, he'd've sent me diving for the nearest muff.
And it's right here, baby.
You'd say I was attractive, wouldn't you? Mmm, I have to shield my eyes every time you walk in the room.
He looked right through me, as if I was invisible.
But you should've seen the way he went after his tramp assistant.
Ugh.
Is that what you were wearing? Mm, my wool coat.
What was the tramp assistant wearing? Did you ever have a "Disco Barbie"? You think I only played with G.
I.
Joe? Yes, even I, Raging Bull, was indoctrinated at a young age to the straight man's ideal of feminine perfection.
Mmm.
Well, that's what she was wearing.
Well, there's your answer.
You expect me to walk around in a spandex dish towel and a couple of Post-Its? I'm merely giving you the same advice you gave me when Larry Jacobs took over the Arlen versus Arlen case: "It isn't right.
It isn't fair.
It just is.
" Remind me to keep my big mouth shut.
Look.
He's a man, you're a woman.
Gay, straight, it doesn't matter.
We all have our powers of persuasion.
If you want something out of him, you've got to play his game, 'cause he sure as hell isn't going to play yours.
Shit.
Problem? I'm just waiting for an answer to an e-mail.
Well, it must be pretty important.
Yeah, Michael and I wrote Keller back and told him we're interested in his offer.
Oh.
Well, I'm sure big-time directors have hundreds of calls and e-mails to answer.
He'll get back to you when he can.
That is, if he's still interested.
Why wouldn't he be? You know how it is out in Hollywood.
They're hot on something one minute and cold on it the next.
I'm sure he meant it.
I'm sure you're right.
What if he turns it into a piece of shit? We won't let him.
Once you sell it, he can do whatever he wants.
Make Rage straight.
Ready for lunch? We need to get a lawyer.
For what? Keller could turn Rage into a singing warthog, and there's nothing we can do about it.
What have you been telling him? To be careful, that's all.
It's not going to happen.
He told us he loves Rage just the way he is.
How do we know he's not just saying that? Thank you.
Thank you very much, Ben.
Now if you don't mind, I would appreciate it if you would just butt out.
Happy to.
It looks nice.
Well, we faeries have a special gift for reclaiming anything, no matter how common, and transforming it into something magical.
Well, almost anything.
I, uh believe this is yours.
I thought I returned that to sender.
I know.
I retrieved it from the dead letter file.
Well I, uh already told Teddy that, um, I think it's great that he's doing his steps and writing his letters, but it's about him, not me.
That's where you're wrong.
It's about you helping him and, uh yourself, to move on.
I have moved on.
Thanks.
And, uh, so has Ted without any help or, uh, or forgiveness from me.
He's not asking for your forgiveness.
He's asking you to acknowledge his pain for having hurt you.
After that, it's up to him to forgive himself.
That's the eighth one so far today.
If I'd've known what a fleshpot this was, I would've signed up years ago.
Not that I need it.
I have the perfect twink physique.
Then why don't you put it to use? Did you just start here? Yeah.
I'm new in town.
Score one for Pittsburgh.
My name's Brian.
Shane.
It's always nice to see a fresh face.
Okay.
I'll give you a call then.
Shit.
Hold on.
Could you actually do a favour for me? You know, it's not everybody who can spread their legs like that.
I still can't go as far as I'd like.
Well, I would be happy to help stretch you.
It was nice talking to you.
I got to go.
The man that got away, huh? And I was halfway up his ass.
He must've heard that nasty rumour.
You know, the one about you having crabs.
Ah.
I wonder how that happened.
Pack the sunscreen.
We're going to Ibiza.
Ah, I wouldn't ditch my textbooks yet.
Mr.
Auerbach? Yeah? You wanted a good bagel? Here's a good bagel.
Go ahead, try one.
Hmm, you screamed loud enough for them.
These from New York? Tell Jerome to go to Solly's.
It's the best deli in Pittsburgh.
By the way, I'm Lindsay Peterson, from the Sidney Bloom Gallery.
We met briefly the other day.
This can't be right.
Well, you coming? Oh, oh-oh.
It's okay, sweetheart.
That's okay, you're in the best of hands.
There you go.
It's incredible.
It's a work of monumental importance.
Right up there with the Deco series and the Santa Fe project.
Bring the bagels? Mr.
Auerbach Sam.
Sam.
I wish you would reconsider allowing us to do a show that would trace this mural from commission to concept to execution.
Using your sketches and notes, we could Give me a hand, would you? Me? Take this brush.
Some riata red number 9.
Hmm? Don't know where they come up with these crazy names.
Nice even strokes.
All right? That's it.
Yeah, that's the way, yeah.
Keep moving it.
Ah, I can't believe I'm actually painting with Sam Auerbach.
Keep stroking.
W-what are you doing? I told you, keep stroking.
Um oh! Oh my god.
Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I'm I think you should know, I'm I'm happily married.
Yeah.
Who's the lucky guy? He's not a guy.
He's a woman.
All the better.
Call her.
We'll have a three-way.
Ow! Ow, by dose! You're bleeding.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's just just a little riata red number 9.
Oh, you really must be a dyke with a right hook like that.
You are the most repellent man i've ever met, even if you are a genius.
Hey.
What did you say the name of that deli is again? Vic's pots and pans have moved more than I have.
First to Ted's, then your mom's, now here.
She said she wanted all of it out of the house before she could count to 10.
"That includes every fucking teaspoon.
" It's scary how well you do her.
I just wish they'd kiss and make up already.
Uh, I know what you mean.
There's nothing more tedious than those interminable feuds.
Uncle vic? So what should we do with this? Well, I'd put it away, but I don't know where he wants it.
Then I guess we'd better wake him up and ask him.
Uncle Vic, your movers are here.
With everything from Debbie's kitchen except the sink.
Uncle Vic? Uncle Vic? Uncle Vic Two pink plate specials, pork chop with mashed potatoes, chicken fried steak, no vegetables.
But I changed for you, sweetheart.
So eat all your broccoli.
Where the hell is the pot pie? Did you have to go kill a chicken? Ma? It's coming.
It's coming.
I can't talk to you now, Michael.
It's important.
Can't you see my hands are full? Betty's out sick, I'm working two stations.
Ma, please.
Here you go, honey.
Sorry.
I need the check please.
And I'll be right with you.
Deb, the pot pie's up growling for meat today.
Ma, will you put the goddamn tray down? What is so important that can't wait? Come sit down.
I don't have time to sit down, Michael.
Just tell me.
What? It's Uncle Vic.
What about him? Did he have a shit fit when you showed up with all those pots and pans? Well, I hope so, that son of a bitch.
Ma What? Is Debbie not working today? Uncle Vic is gone.
He passed away.
What the hell are you talking about? We took the stuff over to him.
He was there in front of the tv.
I'm sorry, ma.
I called Rodney.
And the paramedics came, but I've gotta get my food.
It's okay, ma.
It'll wait.
You into football? I hate football.
Then why are you watching it? So some hot guy will come over and ask me if I'm into football.
I'm Justin.
Shane.
I saw you at Babylon the other night.
Oh? Yeah.
You were cruising the hell out of me, then just disappeared.
Um one of those emergencies.
Couldn't be helped.
Well, lucky for us, I found you again.
You Pittsburgh guys sure are friendly.
It's a small town with a big heart.
You've been here long? All of a week.
Still living out of boxes.
Why don't I help you unpack? Why don't you? Hold it.
Say, aren't you the guy from the gym? Yeah, the one with the bad case of crabs.
Fortunately, that's cleared up.
It's too late.
I won.
You can book our flight tomorrow.
Nobody's going anywhere.
Bet's off.
Vic's dead.
Oh that is really low, even for you.
It's true.
Ma, you want to go upstairs and lie down? Ma? Can I get anyone anything? How about some tea, Deb? Rodney? No, thanks.
Deb, I'm so sorry.
Thank you, Sunshine.
What the fuck happened? Uh, his heart.
The doctor said his cholesterol was sky-high from the meds he was taking.
No warning.
Nothing.
I thought the meds were supposed to keep you alive, not kill you.
It doesn't always work that way.
I thought we'd have more time than this.
You guys should've been together a lot longer.
It's tragic.
Hamlet's tragic.
Platform shoes are tragic.
Vic was on his deathbed four years ago.
All this was gravy.
He knew that.
What did you say? Going this way.
Could've been a lot worse.
If you ask me, he was fucking lucky.
Nobody fucking asked you.
And who the fuck are you to decide how long he should've lived? Ah, the truth hurts.
Get this shithead out of my house.
Brian.
Wait up.
She's upset.
Just tell her you're sorry.
There's only one problem: I'm not.
We just heard.
How's Debbie? Nothing can keep a good woman down.
Are you leaving? They ran out of ice.
Brian? Did something happen? Just go back in.
We'll be there in a minute.
Not me.
Where are you going? We have a bet, remember? I can't believe you're thinking about sex at a time like this.
"At a time like this" is exactly when you should be thinking about it, before you can't.
Here you are.
Just taking a breather.
How are you holding up? I'm not thinking about me right now.
I don't think ma knows what hit her.
Yeah.
What brian said sure didn't help.
Insensitive prick.
Well, the funny thing is, Vic would probably have agreed with him.
When he came back, everybody thought he had a couple months to live, tops.
You should've seen what he looked like.
Not a pretty picture, I'm sure.
So whatever time he got was a gift.
He was a lot luckier than most.
That may be true, but it wasn't brian's place to shrug off his death, especially to your mom.
He shrugs everything off.
It's who he is.
And you defend him.
It's who you are.
Look, I don't need to be told how to respond or what to feel.
Certainly not by you.
So if that's why you came up here, then It's not.
I came to offer my unconditional love and support.
And to let you know, if there's anything I can do There is.
You can put everything else aside, because right now, I don't give a shit about that director, whatever his name is.
All I care about is helping my mom get through this.
I just hope I can.
Did I wake you? Uh, no.
No.
Come on in.
Okay, you should know, first off I-I never wear this.
But, uh, tomorrow's laundry day.
So, uh It's okay.
You look stunning.
So you, uh Just come from a meeting? I did.
And who did you rescue tonight? Actually, um me.
It was my turn to speak and, uh and basically what I said was even though I've been clean for over two years and followed the programs, tried to be a a good counsellor Better than good.
The best.
I still feel as though I've failed.
That's not true.
I-it is true.
I I failed to make proper amends to the one person that I should've made them to a long time ago.
Well, if you'd like to write a letter, I have plenty of stationery.
I don't want to write a letter.
What I want to do is this.
You know, maybe I should stay.
No, no.
You go home with Hunter and Ben.
Get some rest.
I'm here.
Don't worry.
Bye.
Bye.
Everybody's gone.
Thank god.
I couldn't handle one more hug or teary goodbye.
They understand.
Brought you my Aunt Lulah's secret sleep potion, warm milk and honey.
Guaranteed to soothe the nerves and send you off to dreamland.
Well, that and half a Xanax.
Keep the pill.
Sure? It'll help calm you.
Calm me? How can I be calm? After the way I talked to him.
I said I didn't care if I ever saw him again.
My last words to him were "fuck you".
You two were always fighting.
And we always made up.
But not this time.
Like that? Yeah.
I always like winning a bet.
You've got a great cock.
It's the first time anyone's ever said that to me.
Thanks.
Although there is something I'd like to talk to you about.
Why don't you give me a call? Hmm.
Sorry, I don't do encores.
I'm a doctor.
What you want to do? Get paid to probe my prostate? I just thought you should know you've got a lump on your left testicle.
If I were you, I'd have it checked out.
The sooner the better.
Moo!
Cue the pulse to begin Cue the pulse to begin Cue the pulse to begin Cue the pulse to begin That new campaign you came up with for us is a stroke of genius.
Oh, thanks, Charlie.
Of course.
I couldn't agree with you more.
So these are the people who make you rich? God love 'em.
And here's your cut of the action.
Brian The Concerned Citizens for the Truth would like to thank the citizens of Liberty Avenue for their generous support.
Brian, it was a gift, a way of saying thank you.
Well, now it's my turn.
Besides, you know me.
I'll only blow it on booze and debauchery and the Armani spring collection.
Well, in that case Case closed.
Jeanette and Anna have their son back, and an unfair decision's been overturned.
Ah, congratulations, Mel.
Well, I owe it all to you.
Mmm me? For reminding me to have the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to accept the things I can't.
Yeah, still working on that myself.
Yeah, I tried to make it work, but, um, living alone was just too fucking lonely.
And too lonely fucking.
Right, Em? Now she's living in sin.
Or right across the hall from it.
Just make sure to put the toilet seat down.
Deb gets a little touchy.
Oh, 'specially at 2:00 o'clock in the morning.
'Cause I'd rather fall in than have to put up with that ingrate I used to live with.
The ingratitude of those publishers, rejecting your second novel.
Well, when it comes to the bottom line, there's no such thing as loyalty.
You'll find another publisher.
Attention.
Attention, everyone.
Come with me.
He's gonna make a speech.
Um I'd like to thank my clients Um, my employees oh.
And my friends for being here tonight to help launch Kinnetik.
It hasn't been easy.
They say that the market is shrinking.
They say that it's the wrong time to start a new agency.
Well, I say "Don't believe a fucking word.
" Especially in advertising.
The guy's got balls.
You don't know the half of 'em.
Sis.
Sis.
Waitress! Betty, hon, you want to take table number five? I'm busy.
Sure, Deb.
What can I get for you gents? My fucking sister.
Justin, Justin.
Check this out.
What is it? It's an e-mail, but look who it's from.
Brett Keller.
The director? Yeah, "Ratman 2", "Pharmacy Cowboy", "V-men".
He says he's a big fan of "Rage".
That's awesome.
Yeah.
Especially in the part where he says he wants to make it into a movie.
Are you serious? A movie? A movie? Who's making a movie? Brett Keller would like to "float the possibility of turning your brilliant comic book into a live-action feature".
Oh my god! Oh, Michael! I I always said you'd be rich and famous one day.
I did.
Oh my god, I I can't breathe.
Oh, honey.
Deb, take it easy.
Ma, sit down.
Betty, could you bring some water? Sure thing.
Are you all right, sis? I'm perfectly fine.
There's no need to concern yourself.
Brett Keller wants to make a movie out of "Rage.
" Well, congratulations, you two.
When's the premiere? He's taking his mother.
You can rent it at blockbuster.
When are you going to let up on Uncle Vic? I don't wish to discuss my brother.
I'm still waiting on that side of slaw.
Just because he didn't invite you to his dinner party? It's not just that.
He obviously just doesn't want me around any more.
You know that's not true.
He has his own life now.
That doesn't mean he loves you any less.
Hey.
Remember what you always told me? "Blood is thicker than marinara sauce.
" If that's how she wants it, there's nothing you can do, except go on with your life.
Thanks.
I thought we might arrange the landscapes according to season.
Lindsay? Hmm? Oh.
Oh, sorry, Sidney.
I said I was thinking we could arrange the landscapes according to season.
Sure.
Great idea.
What are you reading? Your horoscope? Huh.
The new Auerbach mural.
Ah.
I stopped by yesterday to take a peek.
Pretty amazing.
I've always loved his work.
He's always evolving and always challenging himself.
Hey, Sidney, what would you think of doing an exhibit of his work in conjunction with the mural? It'd be a dream come true.
Except that it won't.
His New York rep already told the Carnegie Gallery "No".
Well, there's no harm in asking him ourselves.
My horoscope said, "take a chance".
I suggest that it's time to get our head out of the stars, and get back down to earth.
Now, I think we should arrange the landscapes into seasons.
Okay.
He wants to make "Rage" into a movie.
Brian: So? Cynthia: Brett Keller.
That's fantastic.
Are these rates firm? As my abs.
I bought one of those machines.
Did you hear what I said? Yeah, he wants to make it into a movie.
Tell them we'll book the next three issues if they knock off 15%.
Aren't you proud of me? I'm going to be rich.
Good.
Now you can pay back the thousands I spent on your aborted education.
Who needs school when you have a picture deal? You still won't have a degree.
I already have an idea for the first feature.
Assuming, of course, there are going to be numerous sequels.
J.
T.
Gets even with his bashers, goes to Hollywood and becomes a star.
Wow! Where'd you get that brainstorm? How about we go to Babylon later and celebrate? Sorry.
It's a school night.
Cynthia, when is the deadline on that run? Noon tomorrow.
Hey, Spielberg.
Ho.
One drink.
Oh, okay.
Here you go, honey.
I put some miniature marshmallows on top.
Oh-h! I love miniature marshmallows.
I've always thought of them as angels' balls.
It's good to know they got 'em.
Whoa! That is one fucking red door.
It's not "fucking red", it's "jungle red".
And I figured, since you're the most colourful person on the block, why not have a door to match? Hah! It's nice.
Hey, Teddy! Hey, Deb.
Hi, honey.
Wanna come in for some hot chocolate? Uh no.
Uh, thanks, I'm not I'm not staying.
Too bad.
Well, if you change your mind, I got a fresh bag of angels' balls.
Hmm! Well, aren't you going to make some caustic remark? About what? My moving in with Deb? You know, "Now Emmett's got his own personal fag hag.
" I think it's a great idea.
Living alone would've driven you nuts, and I'm sure Deb enjoys having a new roomie.
So all in all, I'd say it's an ideal arrangement.
Almost as perfect as your working for Brian.
I told him he's betting on a loser, but wouldn't be the first time a long shot came from behind, I guess.
We'll call you Seabiscuit.
As, uh as part of my recovery, I'm trying to make amends for my behaviour.
So I've written letters apologizing to everyone.
Michael, Ben, Brian, Mel and Linz you.
Hmph.
Last, as always.
Dammit, emmett, you know you're not last.
Or least.
It's very admirable, Ted.
Admitting your mistakes.
Did everyone forgive you? So far.
Must make you feel better.
Can't tell you how relieved I am.
Good for you.
But what's reading this letter Going to do for me? Hmm? Will it take away all the damage that's been done? All the pain that's been inflicted? Will it make up for my feeling inadequate and helpless? Or erase all those memories of you descending into your addiction, while you tried to drag me down with you? Well sorry, Teddy.
You'll just have to get your feel-good fix from someone else.
That's so tight.
That's so cool.
Oh! Whoa! First I'm going to pay off my mom's house, then I'm going to put a down payment on a house for us.
Then I'm going to buy a car.
A Porsche Carrera.
It's only a two-seater.
Don't worry.
We'll let you ride in it once in a while.
Right, Ben? Right, pal.
Although I don't know which fantasy's crazier, the one you're watching or the one you're telling yourselves.
Why is it so crazy? Just because he says he wants to make it into a movie doesn't mean it will ever see the light of day.
This part's so cool.
I don't know why not.
I can just see rage doing something like that.
Those guys talk big, but we'll see if they deliver.
Who's going to play Rage? Tom Cruise.
Brad Pitt.
Those geezers? You got to get Ashton Kutcher.
Where are you going? Some of us non-Hollywood types have a faculty meeting in the morning.
Come on, stay and watch for a few minutes.
I'll sit on your lap.
Brett Keller film isn't my thing.
"V-men" was one of the top grossers of last year.
All that proves is there're a lot of people out there who don't mind settling for mindless entertainment.
That's why I like it.
Don't come to bed too late.
Fucking awesome! Sam need this done now.
I'll just thin out the cadmium and then add more white to the red.
Excuse me, I'm looking for Mr.
Auerbach.
Excuse me, is Sam Auerbach here? You call this a bagel? You might say his presence is everywhere.
A lox wouldn't be caught dead on this.
Sorry, Sam.
If I were you, I'd flee his wrath as fast as you can.
Will someone find me a real bagel? And a shmeer.
I'm on it, Sam.
Gotta run.
I don't know how the hell Andy lived in this godforsaken burg, but I sure as hell know why he left.
Mr.
Auerbach? Yeah.
Who are you? My name is Lindsay Peterson.
I need that paint mixed.
Where the fuck is Jerome? You just sent him out for bagels.
Huh Mr.
Auerbach, I'm a tremendous fan of your work.
I-I-I I think you're probably the most brilliant painter I know.
I know.
I'm, uh you'll excuse me a moment, I gotta pee like a son of a bitch.
I'll speak quickly.
I'll try to hold it.
Thank you.
I'm from the Sidney Bloom Gallery and we were hoping we might interest you in a show of your recent works, including perhaps some drawings for the mural? Why don't you just take it up with my agent? I feel the personal touch is always the best.
Miranda, honey, uh, would you just, uh, take these brushes up there for me? Sure, Sam.
Thanks, sweetheart.
See, now that's what I call the personal touch.
If I have to listen to Moaning Mona cry one more time about how she misses her pills, I'm going to shove a goddamn Percocet down her throat myself.
There's a lesson in every story.
Yeah.
And the lesson today was: You can be a hopeless addict, you can destroy your life and the life of everyone around you, but don't bore your audience.
Just keep coming.
I know, I know.
Mona will work her steps and you'll work yours.
Yeah.
Except I seem to have forgotten where my steps are leading me.
Sobriety.
Wholeness.
I don't mean that.
Look, if what Emmett says was true, that the only reason that I'm writing these is so that everyone will forgive me and I can feel good about myself, then that's really no different than the way I was using them before.
In which case he was right not to accept it.
Look, I know it's upsetting.
The person you most wanted to hear you, refused to listen.
But you can't be responsible for his reaction.
Just spare me the A.
A.
bullshit, would you? You offered him your truth.
Yeah, "my truth".
That's all that matters.
Well, if that's all that matters, how come you've never offered me your truth? You know, I'm going to skip the coffee.
I'll see you later.
Sis.
I'm so glad you're here.
I guess I kinda overreacted the other night, but, uh, you know me.
Queen of the drama queens.
So, uh, how about a piece of kugelhof? I just baked it.
That's what I miss.
The smell of your kugelhof.
I baked an extra one for you.
I'm sorry if you were hurt, sis.
You know that's the last thing I'd ever want to do.
I know that, baby.
It's just that I'm entitled to my own life.
Who said you weren't? Especially after all it took for me to get it.
Hmm, you and me both.
So then let's be happy that we each finally have our own lives.
Well, yeah, you certainly do.
A sweet little apartment and a boyfriend.
Life partner.
Life partner.
It's a miracle.
Of course, it takes a miracle worker to make a miracle happen.
And I'm not just talking about the good lord above.
I know, sis, I know.
How about a piece of kugelhof? I'm talking sheer will and hard work and sacrifices.
Lots of sacrifices.
You know, like my nursing you myself when your health insurance ran out.
Cleaning up your vomit and wiping your ass.
Jesus Christ, if I have to hear about you wiping my ass one more time Well, if I had to do it, you can fucking hear about it.
I mean, who else would've done it if it wasn't for me? If I hadn't taken you in, where would you have gone? What would've happened to you? I think we both know the answer to that, so I'm just saying don't forget who put their life on hold, so that you one day could live yours.
I'll never forget and I'll always be grateful.
But I never asked or expected you to sacrifice your life.
Well how else was it gonna happen? By magic? I'd be damned if I was gonna let that disease get you, not as long as I had one ounce of strength left.
Why else do you think I did it? "I thought you did it for me, mama".
What the hell is that supposed to mean? You think I did it for me? If it gave you a sense of purpose, a way to feel good about yourself.
You fucking little ingrate.
Look, this is my house.
You don't talk to me that way.
Your house? Aren't you suddenly high and mighty? I'm not even surprised.
You know, you you took what you needed, and the first chance you got, it was "So long, sucker!" That's not true.
The hell it isn't! You used me.
And you used me.
I think you'd better leave.
Don't even bother asking.
'Cause you know what? I'm already gone.
Yeah.
And don't bother coming back until you say you're sorry.
And don't you worry, because I'm never coming back.
I don't give a shit if I ever see you again.
Oh, excuse me.
You want an apology? Here's my apology: Fuck you, little brother.
Fuck you.
You know the problem with our extracurricular, one-fuck-only policy? Is it that after a while, you start asking yourself "Am I doing this because I want to do it, or because I need to do it? And if I need to do it, is it to prove to myself I'm still young and attractive? Or 'cause I think I'm unworthy of being loved?" Or maybe it's because I've had every fuckable guy in this city.
What about him? Ah the scent of fresh meat.
Thrill of the kill.
Hey, too bad, Simba.
It's me he's checking out.
In your dreams.
You want to bet? What are the stakes? If I win, you take me on an all-expense paid trip to "Ibeeza".
It's pronounced "Ibeetha".
And it's a long way to go for a bathhouse with sand.
And if you win? If I win You go back to school.
No fucking way.
Your call.
No, wait.
Wait.
All right.
Okay.
You're on.
'Cause I know he was checking me out.
Shit.
He's gone.
He who hesitates doesn't get laid.
The man is a pig, an absolute pig.
Ah, you know what they say about meeting your heroes.
Whoever said it must have met him.
If I wasn't already a dyke, he'd've sent me diving for the nearest muff.
And it's right here, baby.
You'd say I was attractive, wouldn't you? Mmm, I have to shield my eyes every time you walk in the room.
He looked right through me, as if I was invisible.
But you should've seen the way he went after his tramp assistant.
Ugh.
Is that what you were wearing? Mm, my wool coat.
What was the tramp assistant wearing? Did you ever have a "Disco Barbie"? You think I only played with G.
I.
Joe? Yes, even I, Raging Bull, was indoctrinated at a young age to the straight man's ideal of feminine perfection.
Mmm.
Well, that's what she was wearing.
Well, there's your answer.
You expect me to walk around in a spandex dish towel and a couple of Post-Its? I'm merely giving you the same advice you gave me when Larry Jacobs took over the Arlen versus Arlen case: "It isn't right.
It isn't fair.
It just is.
" Remind me to keep my big mouth shut.
Look.
He's a man, you're a woman.
Gay, straight, it doesn't matter.
We all have our powers of persuasion.
If you want something out of him, you've got to play his game, 'cause he sure as hell isn't going to play yours.
Shit.
Problem? I'm just waiting for an answer to an e-mail.
Well, it must be pretty important.
Yeah, Michael and I wrote Keller back and told him we're interested in his offer.
Oh.
Well, I'm sure big-time directors have hundreds of calls and e-mails to answer.
He'll get back to you when he can.
That is, if he's still interested.
Why wouldn't he be? You know how it is out in Hollywood.
They're hot on something one minute and cold on it the next.
I'm sure he meant it.
I'm sure you're right.
What if he turns it into a piece of shit? We won't let him.
Once you sell it, he can do whatever he wants.
Make Rage straight.
Ready for lunch? We need to get a lawyer.
For what? Keller could turn Rage into a singing warthog, and there's nothing we can do about it.
What have you been telling him? To be careful, that's all.
It's not going to happen.
He told us he loves Rage just the way he is.
How do we know he's not just saying that? Thank you.
Thank you very much, Ben.
Now if you don't mind, I would appreciate it if you would just butt out.
Happy to.
It looks nice.
Well, we faeries have a special gift for reclaiming anything, no matter how common, and transforming it into something magical.
Well, almost anything.
I, uh believe this is yours.
I thought I returned that to sender.
I know.
I retrieved it from the dead letter file.
Well I, uh already told Teddy that, um, I think it's great that he's doing his steps and writing his letters, but it's about him, not me.
That's where you're wrong.
It's about you helping him and, uh yourself, to move on.
I have moved on.
Thanks.
And, uh, so has Ted without any help or, uh, or forgiveness from me.
He's not asking for your forgiveness.
He's asking you to acknowledge his pain for having hurt you.
After that, it's up to him to forgive himself.
That's the eighth one so far today.
If I'd've known what a fleshpot this was, I would've signed up years ago.
Not that I need it.
I have the perfect twink physique.
Then why don't you put it to use? Did you just start here? Yeah.
I'm new in town.
Score one for Pittsburgh.
My name's Brian.
Shane.
It's always nice to see a fresh face.
Okay.
I'll give you a call then.
Shit.
Hold on.
Could you actually do a favour for me? You know, it's not everybody who can spread their legs like that.
I still can't go as far as I'd like.
Well, I would be happy to help stretch you.
It was nice talking to you.
I got to go.
The man that got away, huh? And I was halfway up his ass.
He must've heard that nasty rumour.
You know, the one about you having crabs.
Ah.
I wonder how that happened.
Pack the sunscreen.
We're going to Ibiza.
Ah, I wouldn't ditch my textbooks yet.
Mr.
Auerbach? Yeah? You wanted a good bagel? Here's a good bagel.
Go ahead, try one.
Hmm, you screamed loud enough for them.
These from New York? Tell Jerome to go to Solly's.
It's the best deli in Pittsburgh.
By the way, I'm Lindsay Peterson, from the Sidney Bloom Gallery.
We met briefly the other day.
This can't be right.
Well, you coming? Oh, oh-oh.
It's okay, sweetheart.
That's okay, you're in the best of hands.
There you go.
It's incredible.
It's a work of monumental importance.
Right up there with the Deco series and the Santa Fe project.
Bring the bagels? Mr.
Auerbach Sam.
Sam.
I wish you would reconsider allowing us to do a show that would trace this mural from commission to concept to execution.
Using your sketches and notes, we could Give me a hand, would you? Me? Take this brush.
Some riata red number 9.
Hmm? Don't know where they come up with these crazy names.
Nice even strokes.
All right? That's it.
Yeah, that's the way, yeah.
Keep moving it.
Ah, I can't believe I'm actually painting with Sam Auerbach.
Keep stroking.
W-what are you doing? I told you, keep stroking.
Um oh! Oh my god.
Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I'm I think you should know, I'm I'm happily married.
Yeah.
Who's the lucky guy? He's not a guy.
He's a woman.
All the better.
Call her.
We'll have a three-way.
Ow! Ow, by dose! You're bleeding.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's just just a little riata red number 9.
Oh, you really must be a dyke with a right hook like that.
You are the most repellent man i've ever met, even if you are a genius.
Hey.
What did you say the name of that deli is again? Vic's pots and pans have moved more than I have.
First to Ted's, then your mom's, now here.
She said she wanted all of it out of the house before she could count to 10.
"That includes every fucking teaspoon.
" It's scary how well you do her.
I just wish they'd kiss and make up already.
Uh, I know what you mean.
There's nothing more tedious than those interminable feuds.
Uncle vic? So what should we do with this? Well, I'd put it away, but I don't know where he wants it.
Then I guess we'd better wake him up and ask him.
Uncle Vic, your movers are here.
With everything from Debbie's kitchen except the sink.
Uncle Vic? Uncle Vic? Uncle Vic Two pink plate specials, pork chop with mashed potatoes, chicken fried steak, no vegetables.
But I changed for you, sweetheart.
So eat all your broccoli.
Where the hell is the pot pie? Did you have to go kill a chicken? Ma? It's coming.
It's coming.
I can't talk to you now, Michael.
It's important.
Can't you see my hands are full? Betty's out sick, I'm working two stations.
Ma, please.
Here you go, honey.
Sorry.
I need the check please.
And I'll be right with you.
Deb, the pot pie's up growling for meat today.
Ma, will you put the goddamn tray down? What is so important that can't wait? Come sit down.
I don't have time to sit down, Michael.
Just tell me.
What? It's Uncle Vic.
What about him? Did he have a shit fit when you showed up with all those pots and pans? Well, I hope so, that son of a bitch.
Ma What? Is Debbie not working today? Uncle Vic is gone.
He passed away.
What the hell are you talking about? We took the stuff over to him.
He was there in front of the tv.
I'm sorry, ma.
I called Rodney.
And the paramedics came, but I've gotta get my food.
It's okay, ma.
It'll wait.
You into football? I hate football.
Then why are you watching it? So some hot guy will come over and ask me if I'm into football.
I'm Justin.
Shane.
I saw you at Babylon the other night.
Oh? Yeah.
You were cruising the hell out of me, then just disappeared.
Um one of those emergencies.
Couldn't be helped.
Well, lucky for us, I found you again.
You Pittsburgh guys sure are friendly.
It's a small town with a big heart.
You've been here long? All of a week.
Still living out of boxes.
Why don't I help you unpack? Why don't you? Hold it.
Say, aren't you the guy from the gym? Yeah, the one with the bad case of crabs.
Fortunately, that's cleared up.
It's too late.
I won.
You can book our flight tomorrow.
Nobody's going anywhere.
Bet's off.
Vic's dead.
Oh that is really low, even for you.
It's true.
Ma, you want to go upstairs and lie down? Ma? Can I get anyone anything? How about some tea, Deb? Rodney? No, thanks.
Deb, I'm so sorry.
Thank you, Sunshine.
What the fuck happened? Uh, his heart.
The doctor said his cholesterol was sky-high from the meds he was taking.
No warning.
Nothing.
I thought the meds were supposed to keep you alive, not kill you.
It doesn't always work that way.
I thought we'd have more time than this.
You guys should've been together a lot longer.
It's tragic.
Hamlet's tragic.
Platform shoes are tragic.
Vic was on his deathbed four years ago.
All this was gravy.
He knew that.
What did you say? Going this way.
Could've been a lot worse.
If you ask me, he was fucking lucky.
Nobody fucking asked you.
And who the fuck are you to decide how long he should've lived? Ah, the truth hurts.
Get this shithead out of my house.
Brian.
Wait up.
She's upset.
Just tell her you're sorry.
There's only one problem: I'm not.
We just heard.
How's Debbie? Nothing can keep a good woman down.
Are you leaving? They ran out of ice.
Brian? Did something happen? Just go back in.
We'll be there in a minute.
Not me.
Where are you going? We have a bet, remember? I can't believe you're thinking about sex at a time like this.
"At a time like this" is exactly when you should be thinking about it, before you can't.
Here you are.
Just taking a breather.
How are you holding up? I'm not thinking about me right now.
I don't think ma knows what hit her.
Yeah.
What brian said sure didn't help.
Insensitive prick.
Well, the funny thing is, Vic would probably have agreed with him.
When he came back, everybody thought he had a couple months to live, tops.
You should've seen what he looked like.
Not a pretty picture, I'm sure.
So whatever time he got was a gift.
He was a lot luckier than most.
That may be true, but it wasn't brian's place to shrug off his death, especially to your mom.
He shrugs everything off.
It's who he is.
And you defend him.
It's who you are.
Look, I don't need to be told how to respond or what to feel.
Certainly not by you.
So if that's why you came up here, then It's not.
I came to offer my unconditional love and support.
And to let you know, if there's anything I can do There is.
You can put everything else aside, because right now, I don't give a shit about that director, whatever his name is.
All I care about is helping my mom get through this.
I just hope I can.
Did I wake you? Uh, no.
No.
Come on in.
Okay, you should know, first off I-I never wear this.
But, uh, tomorrow's laundry day.
So, uh It's okay.
You look stunning.
So you, uh Just come from a meeting? I did.
And who did you rescue tonight? Actually, um me.
It was my turn to speak and, uh and basically what I said was even though I've been clean for over two years and followed the programs, tried to be a a good counsellor Better than good.
The best.
I still feel as though I've failed.
That's not true.
I-it is true.
I I failed to make proper amends to the one person that I should've made them to a long time ago.
Well, if you'd like to write a letter, I have plenty of stationery.
I don't want to write a letter.
What I want to do is this.
You know, maybe I should stay.
No, no.
You go home with Hunter and Ben.
Get some rest.
I'm here.
Don't worry.
Bye.
Bye.
Everybody's gone.
Thank god.
I couldn't handle one more hug or teary goodbye.
They understand.
Brought you my Aunt Lulah's secret sleep potion, warm milk and honey.
Guaranteed to soothe the nerves and send you off to dreamland.
Well, that and half a Xanax.
Keep the pill.
Sure? It'll help calm you.
Calm me? How can I be calm? After the way I talked to him.
I said I didn't care if I ever saw him again.
My last words to him were "fuck you".
You two were always fighting.
And we always made up.
But not this time.
Like that? Yeah.
I always like winning a bet.
You've got a great cock.
It's the first time anyone's ever said that to me.
Thanks.
Although there is something I'd like to talk to you about.
Why don't you give me a call? Hmm.
Sorry, I don't do encores.
I'm a doctor.
What you want to do? Get paid to probe my prostate? I just thought you should know you've got a lump on your left testicle.
If I were you, I'd have it checked out.
The sooner the better.
Moo!