Roseanne s04e06 Episode Script

Aah! No! No! Don't! Aah! Aah! No! Don't! No! Get over here! Aah! Hello? Roseanne? Dan? It's Kathy.
[Clattering.]
Is--is everything o.
k.
? Hello? Is anybody ho--? Aaahhh! Oh! Aah! Aah! What is it, Kathy? I've had a bad day, and now I've got all this to clean up.
I, Uh I--I need to go home, I-- Would you look at this mess? I don't know how many times I've said it-- It's just like gutting a fish.
I swear, I was way better the last time.
The last time? You know With Becky's dad.
He was blond, too.
Hey, you've got a garbage disposal over your house, right? Oh, my god.
Please, please I--I need to go home.
Oh, no.
You can't go.
You'll tell.
No, I won't.
I Promise.
I won't tell.
Please.
Let me go.
Oh! Liver? Oh! Happy Halloween! Got you! That was a horrible Horrible Horrible thing to do.
You know, hon, every time we do this, People get so ticked off.
Yeah.
When will we learn? Heh heh heh heh heh.
We got Kathy good.
She almost lost it.
Yeah.
Damn good bladder control, though.
Well, thank you.
I did laugh pretty hard.
Listen, I'm going out tonight.
Will you be home for dinner? I don't know.
What are we having? Liver.
Liver.
Heh heh.
God, I wish I had an adult role model.
Where you going tonight? You got some sort a party? What are you going as? I'm going as Becky.
That ought to scare the crap out of them.
Funny.
It's not a party.
It's a movie.
Scary movie? Mother, I've outgrown it.
Move on.
Ah.
How's about you, Darlene.
Are you dressing up all gross for mommy tonight? No.
I think I'm just going to stay home.
What's wrong, Darlene? You used to care about Halloween.
Yeah.
I Also used to want to marry Scott Baio.
Oh, you look great! Who am I supposed to be? I told you.
You're Alfalfa of the little rascals.
I want to be the terminator.
No.
Everybody's the terminator.
You look cute.
I don't want to look cute.
Honey, let me.
D.
J.
, Alfalfas kill terminators.
Yeah, right.
No, no.
Really, really.
See, this is your antenna, And it detects terminator waves.
Mom, why not give him a sign Saying, "knock me down and steal my candy.
" I want to do what my friends are doing.
Well, fine.
Do what you want and leave me out of it.
I don't get it anymore, Dan.
Yeah.
I Remember when Halloween meant something.
Remember throwing flaming bags of dog-doo On the Henderson's lawn as a family? Ahh.
Hey! Oh, good.
Jackie can help me yank the slime out of this thing.
I got to get some more tubing for our costume.
Your costume's got tubing? Maybe.
Maybe not.
Why won't you tell me what you're going as? Because it's supposed to be a surprise.
I told you what I was going as? Yeah.
Morticia Addams.
Not too boring.
Sorry it's not up to your standards.
Give me half an hour.
I'll turn you into a science experiment gone berserk.
No, thanks.
What's with the blood? Oh.
I killed Dan.
Of course.
So, are you still going alone tonight? Yeah.
No date.
Are you bummed? Well, no.
Not now.
Soon? No.
I mean, I was bummed about it, Around the time of the Arnie disaster.
I was so desperate for company, I actually called up some old boyfriends.
Ugh, that's pathetic.
Thanks.
Who did you call? I don't want to get-- No.
Who, who? Gary.
Oh, god! And I hung up.
And? Tim Brewer.
Who, that mama's boy? She answered Although, it could have been him.
Man, I'm glad that one never worked out.
Yeah, and I called Booker.
What did he have to say? Nothing.
I left a message on his machine.
I don't want to get into it.
I don't need a date to have a good time.
So you'll get drunk and hang around me all night.
Do you mind? Mom! Where are my hand grenades? In your bottom drawer.
Where else? Oh, yeah.
Right.
Who's he supposed to be? I don't know.
The alfalfanator.
Uh-huh.
Well I see two women who should have consulted before choosing their costumes.
You knew I was borrowing Roseanne's wig.
How could you do this? How did I know it was for Halloween? What did you think? I certainly don't know.
Perhaps to try and cover your hair color du jour.
Hey.
Hey.
Let's not get snippy.
Sorry.
I put a lot of thought into this costume-- Well, so did I.
What are the odds we'd both come as Morticia? You're Morticia? Then, that's no problem.
I'm Elvira.
We still look like the judds from hell.
Hi, Anne Marie.
I hate to ruin the party, but Elvis' ghost is here.
Arnie! Did he see me? I don't think so, but don't hang near the free food too long.
O.
k.
Right.
I can't believe you both came as Cher.
Jackie! Jackie! So close.
I got a situation here.
Nancy's with me tonight.
The ax murderer in the corner.
Cute.
You can't be coming on to me.
Understand? I think I can control myself, Arnie.
I really appreciate it.
Whoa! She's seen us.
Act like you never slept with me.
Hi, honey! I love you! Ugh! O.
k.
, everybody, quiet, please.
Please, everybody, quiet.
Will everybody get a seat, please? Everybody take a seat.
Everybody.
O.
k.
Thank you.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, It wouldn't be Halloween Unless the Conners overdid it, So without further ado-- Hey, Chuckie! Just do it like we told you.
Oh.
O.
k.
Ahem "Fellow lodge members, "We had booked a fabulous act tonight, "But unfortunately they died.
"But the show must go on, "So here they are, fresh from the cemetery-- Please welcome" oh, man.
"Dead-gar bergen and mortuary snerd.
" Hey, everybody.
It's great to be here.
So this is hell.
It's worse than I thought.
Morty, I told you, we're in Lanford.
Lanford? Say, isn't that Arnie? I told you to go to hell.
Now, Morty.
These are our friends.
Isn't that Jackie over there? I hear she's a truck driver now.
That's a switch.
Jackie in the front seat with her feet on the floor.
Hey! Hey! Now, Morty.
Be nice to the people.
Tell them how we died.
Simple.
I let you write the jokes.
Yeah.
Like your shtick don't stink.
Anyway My termite-riddled little friend, Are you ready to do our little song? God, don't let her sing! Shut up, Arnie! Hit it, dead-gar.
Dada dada dum dum Well, I come from 6 feet under With a dead guy on my knee I'm headin' down to hades For to spend eternity Hey there, dead-gar I think it's plain to see We bought a cardboard casket And the worms have eaten me Well, you won the grand prize again! Was there ever any doubt? What did the costume cost? 100? We don't do it for the money.
We do it for the envy.
Well, you were a convincing dummy.
Jealous, jealous, jealous! Honey, honey.
Look who's here.
Oh, my god! It's the Bowmans! I wonder how he managed to drag her down to The lodge.
Wait a minute, Dan.
I know why she's here.
She's here to get us back for what we did today.
No way! I'm serious, Dan, she hates the lodge.
The only reason she'd show up on our turf Is to try and humiliate us in front of our friends.
Too bad she didn't see the act.
Could have saved her a trip.
Great act, Dan.
Yeah, what was your favorite part? I liked the jokes.
Oh, really? The song? How about the waterbed? See, 'cause that was my idea.
Roseanne was against it, But we needed a big closer.
Yeah.
You're right.
You definitely needed a big closer.
Honey, they loved the waterbed.
Stay alert, Dan.
Kathy's over there plotting revenge.
We know, so we've got the edge.
Honey, you're just being paranoid.
Relax and have a good time.
I am not being paranoid.
They've got Crystal in on it.
She's talking to Crystal, big deal.
She's just being sociable.
Oh, right.
When has Kathy ever been sociable? O.
k.
, we pulled one on her.
She pulls one on us, we're even.
I don't want to be even.
I want to be better.
So, watch your back.
Fine.
I'll be at the bar.
If I'm not back in 15 minutes I'll be at the bar.
Roseanne.
I met this guy.
He seems really great, But he's in this moose costume.
No matter what, he won't take the head off.
You listening to me? Yeah, yeah.
You met a moose.
Congratulations.
What's with you? See that little miss yarn-head over there? Well, she don't know who she's messing with.
I am the master.
All's I've got to do is think.
If I were her, What would I do to get even.
Ho ho.
That bitch.
I said to myself, "Even if it's crazy, it's my life.
If I want to be a trucker, that's what's right for me.
" That's great.
You're independent, get to travel-- It's perfect for you.
How do you know it's perfect for me? I've just got this feeling.
Come on.
Take off the mask.
I told you you might be disappointed.
I don't want that to happen until after we've had sex.
You're pretty sure of yourself.
Well, hunting season starts tomorrow, so it's now or never.
No.
Take off the moose head.
All right, but you've really been digging me up until now.
Trick or treat.
Booker? I got your call.
Damn it.
I thought it was somebody good.
Jackie, come on.
Hey, Dan.
Hey, Jer.
Hey, where's Rosie? Where's Kathy? At the car getting a sweater.
Then Rosie's in the bushes watching her.
She thinks Kathy's going to get even for the trick.
Kathy was so mad she didn't speak to me all day.
You owe me a beer.
I guess I do.
Gus Why call if you didn't want to see me? It wasn't a happy time that night at Jackie's.
I wanted to talk to someone who wasn't my sister.
So you needed to talk to someone, Here I am, let's talk.
I called other guys.
I'm the only one that showed up.
We don't know that.
There is someone dressed as Madonna Who could very well be Tim Brewer.
I made a mistake.
Forget it.
Come here, sit down.
There's something I've been wanting to ask you since we broke up.
Why did we break up? You were seeing somebody else.
So it was my fault.
I was afraid of that.
Hi, Kathy.
Your sister is insane.
Roseanne's new neighbor.
Ha ha--hey! Hey! Booker! All right! Jackie, it's Booker.
Booker was the moose.
I know.
How you been? You look great.
Well-- I can't talk to you now.
Jerry, let's go home.
Bye, Dan.
Bye, Jer.
Leaving already, or is that what you want me to think? Roseanne, why are you following me? Why were you at your car? Getting my sweater.
Why were you doing that? To get away from you.
Then what are you doing here in the first place? My husband asked me to come, So I did.
Married people do things like that for one another.
Don't make me laugh.
How many times do I have to tell you That I am not going to waste One iota of energy getting you back? I think I'm better than that.
Jerry, come.
Bye, Dan.
Bye, Jer.
Oh, sure you think you're better than me.
But when you remember the terrible thing I did to you today, You'll sink to my level like a rock.
Why wouldn't she get me back after I got her? Am I not good enough to get? Is she trying to make me feel beneath revenge? Maybe ruining your favorite night was her payback.
No, Dan.
She doesn't have that kind of imagination.
She'll do something to get me back, And it will be really lame, And I'll be ready.
I'm sure you will be, dear.
I wish we would have rehearsed the act more.
People didn't get we were supposed to be dead.
If it's any consolation, I'm sure they wish we were.
Whoa! Yeow! Yeow! Yeow! Yeow! Yeow! Yeow! What's going on? Snakes in the bed! It's new.
Now it's covered with snake sweat.
You get them out.
You're the man! Ick! She's gone too far this time.
Snakes bite and squeeze.
Kathy's trying to kill us.
What are you talking about? Kathy isn't trying to kill you.
Yeah.
We are.
You put snakes in our bed? Well, you were saying how important This Halloween stuff is to you.
My babies! You've made your mother and me very happy.
Now get rid of the snakes.
I'll do it! D.
J.
Don't touch those snakes.
I'm not untying them again.
Oh, our beautiful children Remembered us on a holiday.
God, bless us one and all.
To think you had to worry about Kathy.
Yeah Of course you know what this means, Dan? She's still out there.
[Howling.]
Now all she has to do is pick up the box Ha ha ha.
It'll all be over in a couple of seconds.
I can't believe you're doing this to your own wife.
I'm not doing it, Kathy is.
When it's done Roseanne'll sleep better.
Ah.
I'll sleep better.
Life will be good-- Or at least normal.
Do you have the kitten? I have the kitten.
[Tape.]
meow.
Meow.
Meow.
Meow.
O.
k.
, there she is-- Ever vigilant, ever paranoid.
She spots the bait Realizing how lame the trick is How easy to detect Waves of superiority wash over her.
What now? One of two things.
Either she won't open the door or [Roseanne.]
Becky, it's for you.
Perfect.
She gets even for the snakes.
Jeez, what do you guys do for thanksgiving around here? [Door opens.]
Oh, look a little kitty.
Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.