Rules of Engagement s04e06 Episode Script

Hey.
Timmy, I got a little invite to a shindig in the Hamptons tomorrow.
Be ready to leave at noon.
And don't wear that jacket that makes you look like a terrorist.
Both personally hurtful and politically incorrect, sir.
Well done.
However, I can't make it.
Uh, why? I'm doing volunteer work tomorrow.
Oh, you gotta make up for a little drinky-drinky, swervy-swervy? No.
Oh, did you proposition an undercover cop? No.
Oh, it wasn't a cop? How was she? There was no prostitute.
I'm volunteering for an organization that revitalizes empty lots and turns them into parks.
I've even been successful in signing up a few recruits from the office, sir.
Okay, now I get why you're doing this.
Trying to dip your pen in the company sluts.
What started as a metaphor ended in tragedy.
Wait a second.
This one's married.
This one's a lesbian.
This one's quick with the mace.
All right, fess up, what's in it for you? I don't follow, sir.
Anyone who does any work with a charity has an angle.
My mom did it to get into the right parties.
My dad did it to look like a big man, even though all he did was write a check.
My Uncle Glen did it until Child Services shut down his camp.
Um Well, I only volunteer because it makes me feel good, sir.
Oh, is that the way you wanna play it? Tell you what.
I'm gonna find out why you're really doing this.
Super use of your time, sir.
Now, if you'll excuse me Hey, whoa, whoa.
I'll, uh, hang on to this.
Why? Are you going to sign up, sir? No.
Just wanna get big ol' lesbian Shirley's home number.
She's growing her hair out, I think she's coming around.
# How many ways To say, "I love you?" # # How many ways To say that I'm not scared? # # With you by my side # # There is no denyin' # # I can't wait For me and you # So then I sat down and he said, "Wow, the picture on your profile page is way different.
" I said, "What do you mean?" though I knew what he meant because I used a blurry picture of Kim Kardashian I found on the Internet.
So you're not using the blurry picture of Penelope Cruz anymore? No.
So then I'm in the middle of telling him how cool my new tap class is, when he remembers that he's gotta go pick his sister up from the airport and he's gotta go.
Well, pfft, you don't want a guy that forgetful anyway.
Ugh, the Mets suck.
Jeff, we are at dinner, with Liz.
Don't blame me, blame the Mets bullpen.
You shouldn't be checking the baseball scores at the table.
You're right.
There's a TV in the bar.
FYI, I counted my shrimp.
Anyway Oh, what about that guy that Lisa set you up with? Oh, I called him for a second date and he told me he was moving to Canada the next day.
Well, that's just bad timing.
I bet Jeff didn't really count these.
I just have the worst luck.
Did you know I haven't slept with a man in almost a year? Well, I have and let me tell you, you're not missing much.
I'm starting to think no one will ever sleep with me again.
Oh, Liz, no, that's not true.
No? Then name one person who would want me.
I don't know, specifically, but, uh You don't have to do that, it's hopeless.
I just feel so alone.
Oh.
Uh Jeff.
Huh? Jeff would totally sleep with you.
What? I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but you know how married people sometimes No.
Right.
Well, sometimes married people play that game where you make a list, you know, of who you'd have sex with if something happened to the other one.
And it just so happens you're on Jeff's list.
Come on.
No, I'm serious.
You're in the top five.
Ha.
Wow, Jeff finds me attractive.
That makes me feel so good.
But Audrey, I would never do anything Oh, no, no, of course.
I mean, I have to, but Oh.
Oh, God.
Oh.
Adam, I am not enjoying this.
It's like the soundtrack to their sex life.
You're so inconsiderate.
He knows I'm trying to lose a few pounds.
Good.
Maybe I can get a little more room on the bench.
What? I'm sneakin' a cheek over here.
Sorry, I can't help it, these waffles are so good.
Jeff, here, taste this.
I can't, I'm allergic to strawberries.
My head swells up like a bounce house.
Uh-oh, call the hospital.
It already happened.
Come on, you guys used to be fun.
What happened to the laughter? Jen, you don't need to lose weight.
That's what I told her.
No, I do.
I went to try on wedding dresses this week and when they would fasten them up the fat on the top of my back would pinch together.
Like a butt.
Like a back butt.
Oh, no.
My cousin Wanda had one of those at her wedding.
Wanda the Hutt.
See? You have to be supportive of me.
It'd be easier if you weren't being crazy.
You think you need to lose weight, which you don't, then I suffer because you won't let me keep my treats in the house.
He calls them treats? Yeah, I've got some work to do before the wedding.
Hey, you made reservations to Walden's Steakhouse for tomorrow, right? Uh, yeah, yeah.
And, um, sorry, but it turns out it's gonna be a double date.
Don't be mad at me, but Liz met someone on the Internet.
Oh, damn it.
Is this Liz, your old boss? Whose tap recital you had to go to? Yes.
You know, I thought there would be at least one other adult in it.
I invited her because I thought she'd be more comfortable with us there.
She knows it's gonna take all three of us to keep him from running away.
Do, uh, you and Jen ever do any charity work? Oh, sometimes.
Uh, just last night Jen did some charity work, if you know what I mean.
You're referring to yourself as charity? Oh, yeah.
Oh, wait, no.
Heh-heh.
Too late.
You did.
I just texted Jeff.
So, what's going on over there? Jen is on this crazy diet.
And last night she ate some of my treats I mean, my adult snacks.
And then she got mad at herself and threw the rest out.
So I'm putting a lock on this cabinet so she can't get to it.
Heh.
Congratulations.
You're engaged to a bear.
Ah.
Hey.
Hey, Jen.
Hey, let me ask you a question.
Do you ever do any, uh, charity work? Does talking to you right now count? You know, I don't know why I even come over here.
Well, it's certainly not in response to an invitation.
All right, that's it, I can take a hint.
You guys wanna order Chinese? Oh, yeah, I'd love to.
No.
Too fattening.
Not if you don't eat it.
Oh, I think I poked the bear.
What's this? I locked up the junk food so you wouldn't be tempted to eat it.
Seems pretty drastic, but really not necessary.
I've got all the healthy snacks I need.
Rice cakes, carrots, tofu Hey, is that a Kit Kat wrapper? Oh.
I can't believe someone threw that in there.
Whoa, you killed a king-size.
Ooh, don't show fear.
Just make yourself seem bigger and back away.
Hello? Hey, it's me.
You there yet? Yeah, I'm having a drink.
Listen, I just got a text from Liz.
Her date cancelled on her.
Oh, let me guess, he found that video of her on YouTube tap dancing to "It's Raining Men.
" I don't know the reason.
Listen, I just got called into work, it should only be a few minutes.
I'll be there soon.
You and Liz start without me.
Me and Liz alone? I don't think so.
I don't need my steak marinated in tears.
And I don't have the strength to defend my shrimp alone.
Look, I'm just gonna walk around the block until you get Hey, Liz.
Get here.
Timmy! Oh, dear.
Why, sir? Why? Still trying to find out what your angle is, buddy.
Oh, there we go, free food.
Ah, yes, because how else would I acquire a limp deli sandwich? Hey, where are the rest of the hoes? They're back in the van.
Aha, that's it! Party van full of ho's.
Not your kind of ho, sir.
This kind.
Oh.
Most disappointing homonym ever.
So you, uh You really get a good feeling from doing this stuff? Yes, I do, sir.
I wanna feel good too.
Seriously? Yeah.
Okay, then.
Right on, sir.
There you go.
All right! How does it work? Whoo.
Sir? Yeah? Timmy! Timmy! What is it? Sir, it's a blister.
Is there a cure? I'll have the New York strip, rare, with the truffle butter.
Great choice, sir.
Oh.
I really don't like meat.
This is hard for me.
It's hard for all of us.
I'll come back.
Can I get you another? Never stop getting me another.
Well, at least I can eat whatever I want.
Don't have to worry about impressing a date.
Yeah, I'm sorry that he cancelled.
But gall bladders burst.
Very common.
I know four men this year.
Normally I'd be bummed, but I'm feeling pretty good lately, and, well, I have you to thank.
Ah.
What'd I do? Heh.
I don't know if she mentioned anything, but Audrey told me about your list.
Favorite quarterbacks, microbrews, what list are we talking about? Your list of who you'd sleep with if Audrey wasn't around.
Oh, yeah, that's a good one.
I know.
And I'm flattered to be on it.
Ha-ha.
On what? You don't have to be embarrassed.
Audrey told me I was in the top five.
Did she? I bring it up because I'd like to know what qualities I should highlight on future dates.
So, what is it about me exactly that you are so attracted to? Jeff? Yeah, I'm thinking.
It's just a toughie.
It's really tough, you know, to narrow it down.
I like the way that you wear your stretch pants.
Oh, you can do better than that.
I'm not sure that I can.
Maybe you like my breasts? Oh.
Wanna know a secret about my breasts? No.
One's longer than the other.
What happened? I smelled donuts.
No, but But I hid the screwdriver.
I used my hands.
My God, you are a bear.
You're really going to town there.
So that's before you got the special bra, huh? That's why I got it.
All right then.
Oh, it's Audrey.
Excuse me.
Thank God.
Where are you? Jeff, I'm so sorry.
I'm not gonna make it.
What? We have to rebuild the whole issue tonight.
There's no way.
Quit your job.
What? Quit your job, and start pursuing your dream of getting me out of here.
Yeah, sorry.
Hey, listen, I I doubt this will come up, but the other day Liz was so down I-I sort of, kind of told her I wanted to sleep with her.
It came up.
Jeff, please do not hurt her feelings.
Her feelings? How do you think Danica Patrick feels knowing she got bumped off my list for Miss Long-Boob here? She told you about that? You know she showed me once.
It looks like a sock full of sand.
Anyway, babe, I'm really sorry.
I gotta go.
No.
Sorry.
No.
Timmy.
It's not working.
What's not working, sir, besides you? That good feeling you promised me.
Where is it? I want it.
Hey, Timir.
The wood chips came in.
We can start filling in the playground.
Be there in a second.
Hey, what did he just call you? Timir.
It's my Indian name.
I prefer Timmy.
I'm sure you do, Timir.
Ha-ha! Hey, Timir, I'm starting to get that good feeling.
It's a Timir-acle.
You finished, sir? Au contraire, I'm Timir-ly getting started.
Aw, come here, Timir.
I didn't even try on that one! Sir, no matter how much you ridicule me, you cannot take away the pride, the sense of accomplishment I will feel every day when I walk by this park.
And that is a feeling you will never have.
I feel sorry for you, Russell Dunbar.
I really do.
Hey, that guy's name is Timir.
So? Seemed funny.
Jeff, I could really use your insight here.
When did it occur to you that you wanted to make love to me? I don't remember.
Was it the time I was over showing off the shimmer unitard I wore for my tap recital? I think it's safe to say it was another time.
Here's your strawberry daiquiri.
Mm, yummy! Is there anything else I can get for you? You know, I think we will order that chocolate soufflé after all.
Just a reminder, it'll take No, no.
Look, we need something that's ready right now.
Don't listen to him.
He's just being silly.
Okay, one souffle coming up.
Want a taste? Uh, no.
No strawberries.
Okay, well, since we have more time, let me ask: If it wasn't my unitard that caught your eye, what was it? And be specific.
Look, I really don't remember.
Oh, was it the time I split my bike shorts and you could see everything? Give me that.
I can't believe you.
You You could have died.
Worth it.
Well, I am proud of you for not saying anything to hurt her feelings.
Yeah, if you think about it I'm kind of a hero.
I wouldn't go that far, but I guess I do owe you one.
I have some thoughts on exactly how you might repay me.
Oh, really? Here? I spent six minutes watching her tap dance video.
Yeah, here.
Hey.
Oh, why are you here, sir? Did you realize that "Timir" rhymes with "queer"? No, but that's extremely excellent.
Ha-ha! No, uh, I'm here for the park dedication.
Really? And why is that? Well, because I was wrong.
You did a decent and charitable thing without any selfish motivation.
I think I understand what a good feeling that gives a person.
Really? Well, if that's the case, you too can experience this feeling.
It means a long term commitment, hours of hard work.
Yeah, that's not really my thing, so I'm gonna get it now.
Chief, let's light this candle.
Welcome, everyone.
Right now I'd like to introduce you to a great man, whose generous donation of $20,000 made all of this possible.
No.
No, you didn't.
I kinda did.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
Russell Dunbar.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, that's nice.
I appreciate it.
That's great.
That's enough.
That's enough.
Twenty thousand is a lot.
Thank you.
Mr.
Dunbar, would you do us the honor? Oh, okay.
Look at that.
Hey, that's me! Can we get a picture? Oh, wait.
This isn't right.
Timmy? Yes, sir? Can you hand me that hoe? Oh, come here, Timir.
That's funny, right? Hey, what say we get the other kind of hoes down here, huh? Ha-ha.
Huh? Who's with me, huh? No one? So how's Jennifer's diet coming? Not good.
This morning I caught her eating hot chocolate powder with butter.
Well, I can't take it anymore so I came up with a plan.
Uh-oh.
This'll be good.
See, I adjusted the scale ahead six pounds so she'll think she lost weight even though she hasn't.
You mean you adjusted it back six pounds.
No, it's forward, 'cause Oh, no.