Seinfeld s04e06 Episode Script

Here's what happened last week.
George and I went up to NBC, and we told them the idea for the series.
We're waiting to sign the contract.
- Jerry, I want you to sign that contract.
- We're gonna sign it.
In fact, George is out with the woman from NBC right now.
I'm afraid we're gonna have to pass.
- You're passing? - Well, it's much too low.
That's it for this piece of junk.
I've had it.
- Is it the one your parents gave you? - It never works.
- Where's that watch we bought you? - It's at the jeweler.
I would like somebody to hit me.
What's the matter with this Davola guy? He's after Jerry now.
I never had a back problem until that night I slept on the convertible sofa.
Cuban cigars.
It's a present from my father.
- Here you go.
- What, cigars? Yeah, Cubans.
- What's wrong? - The Velcro.
I can't stand Velcro.
That tearing sound.
Now, listen to me.
I'm negotiating.
Negotiation.
This is what you do in business.
- Leave all my stuff here? - Leave it.
Tell us about the trip.
How's Dr.
Reston? He has this power over me, okay? He has this way of manipulating every little word that I say.
He's like a Svenjolly.
Tell this guy you're seeing somebody else.
That's the easiest way.
His name is Kramer.
I want you to tell this young man to give me a call.
My wallet's gone! My wallet's gone! Where did you get that watch? I found it in the garbage can.
What kind of an idiot throws away a perfectly good watch? It's an entire industry of bad gifts, all those executive gifts.
Any stupid, goofy, brass, wood thing.
They put a piece of green felt on the bottom.
"It's a golf, desk, tie and stress organizer, Dad.
" Well, to me, nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift.
There's no better way than a paperweight to express to someone that, "I refuse to put any thought into this at all.
" Where are these people working that papers are blowing right off of desks? Are the desks screwed to the back of a flatbed truck going down the highway? Are they typing in the crow's-nest of a clipper ship? What do you need a paperweight for? I don't understand this jeweler, Jimmy Sherman.
He brings a watch, takes over a week to fix it.
He fixed yours in one day.
Oh, you know these jewelers.
They're enigmas.
They're mysteries wrapped in a riddle.
- She's very attractive.
- She's okay.
- Just okay? - She's nice.
- She's better than nice.
- She's all right.
- She's beautiful.
- She's not beautiful.
- I think she's beautiful.
- So you ask her out.
- I'm not gonna ask her out.
- Why not? If you don't think she's beautiful, something's wrong.
She's pretty.
She's not beautiful.
I should drop dead if she's not beautiful.
- I think that's a little extreme.
- She's all right.
Two exact same watches.
He tells you a week and him a day.
How could that be? Something's fishy about this.
He said what? - "The hell with them.
" - "The hell with them"? - Those were his exact words.
- Oh, boy.
He said, "We've got 500 shows to choose from.
Why should we give two guys with no idea or experience more money?" He was pretty emphatic? - He pounded on his desk.
- He pounded? I told you to take the offer.
Look, I had nothing to do with this.
It wasn't my decision.
It was Jerry.
Jerry told me.
I'm the creative guy.
- He handles the business end.
- You said it was insulting.
I was quoting him.
Why would I be insulted? I'm never insulted.
You could call me "baldy," dump soup on my head.
Nothing insults me.
- Well, there's nothing I can do.
- Don't they make a counteroffer? How can he just cancel the deal? What kind of a maniac is this guy? - He just says no, and that's it? - Yeah, that's the way Russell is.
- He doesn't like to play games.
- He has to play.
He can't not play.
We're playing.
I gotta see him.
How do I get in touch with him? - You'll have to wait till Monday.
- No.
I can't wait till Monday.
That's impossible.
I gotta talk to him now.
Where does he live? I can't give you his address.
- Give me that address.
- Hey, give me that! He just wants to talk to you.
I couldn't talk him out of it.
So you just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that we're in love, okay? - Can you do that? - Yeah, I'm your boyfriend.
Yeah.
- Okay.
- Have we been intimate? Yeah.
Yeah, we've been intimate.
All right, how often do we do it? Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think he's going to ask? - He's a psychiatrist.
They're interested in stuff like that.
All right.
All right.
We do it five times a week, okay? - Oh, baby.
- Oh, my All right, listen.
- Just tell me what you'll say.
- I know what to say.
- No, but I would like to hear it.
- I don't wanna say it out loud.
It kills the spontaneity.
You know, Gleason, he never rehearsed.
- Go ahead.
Do it.
- Okay.
You talk to him.
- I'll talk to him.
- Hey, how's your hair? Well, yeah, it's good.
You're not the type who should be playing with matches, seriously.
Yes.
Dr.
Reston.
Is he in? Well, this is Kramer, and he's expecting my call.
- Is he? - Yes, yes, Dr.
Reston.
Well, hello there.
- Well, I'm a good friend of Elaine's.
- No, no, not friends.
We're actually We're not friends.
We're much more than friends.
And I'm afraid we have a bit of a problem.
Well, the point is doctor, I'm very much in love with Elaine and she's very much in love with me, and, well we would appreciate it if you would cease and desist and allow us to pursue our courtship unfettered.
If not, I can assure you, doctor, that I can make things unpleasant for you and your staff, if you have one.
Yes.
Yeah, but the point that l Well, no.
Well, yeah, that's It's possible.
Well, I suppose I could, but I'd have to shift a few things around.
Wait.
Hold on for a second, will you? Go ahead.
Yeah.
All right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, okay.
I look forward to it too.
Okay, so long.
What happened? What did he say? What's going on? - Okay, he wants to get together.
- Get together? - Why? - You know, he wants to talk.
Why didn't you just say no? That's interesting.
- Did you enjoy your croissant? - It was different.
- And how was yours? - Oh, very good.
Try our mousse.
It'll change your life expectancy.
No, thanks.
Just the check.
What's the matter with you? - What? - Why didn't you didn't flirt? - Come on.
- She was flirting with you.
- Why didn't you say something? - What would I say? - You just sat there.
- Well, you made me uncomfortable.
You're a comedian.
Couldn't you come up with something? - Where's the bathroom? - In the back, on your right.
- Dad.
- Will you stop it.
Jerry, let go.
- Jerry.
- Would you let me pay just once? - You're out of your mind.
- You don't even have a wallet.
- Don't worry about it.
- What'll you do? What's the difference? We'll figure it out.
- You're not paying.
- All right, fine.
You figure it out.
I'd be curious to know how you pick up a check with no money.
Because if this works, the whole monetary system's obsolete.
We're back to wampum.
I'm going to the bathroom.
How the hell am I gonna pay for this? They give you some portion here, huh? Uncle Leo, I hope I wasn't rude that day I bumped into you on the street.
- I really did have to get to a meeting.
- Oh, no, no, I understand.
I got plenty of friends in show business.
I know you're all very busy.
So you found that watch in a garbage can, huh? Yeah.
In fact, it was right after I ran into you.
You know, a friend of mine has a watch just like that.
I'd love to replace it for him as a gift.
Well, I haven't seen too many like these.
Yeah, I know.
Maybe you wanna sell me that one? Oh, sure.
Hang on a second.
I got a little proposition for you.
There is a George Bonanza to see you.
- Costanza.
Costanza.
- George Costanza.
The guy who pitched the show with stories about nothing.
- Jerry Seinfeld's friend.
- Seinfeld friend.
He says call him Monday.
Mr.
Dalrymple, I have to talk to you.
It's about the show.
It was all a terrible misunderstanding.
Just five minutes of your time.
Thank you.
Thank you, Mr.
Dalrymple.
Very good, sir.
You don't understand.
I can't allow my son to pay for me.
Look, as soon as I get back to Florida, I promise you, I'll mail you a check.
Why don't you just let him pay, and then you can pay him back.
- No, no.
He won't let me do that.
- Why don't you put the money in his pants pocket unsuspectingly? - He could wash them.
- We are running a reputable business.
Don't tell me about business.
I sold raincoats for 35 years.
- But you did not give them away.
- You don't understand I cannot get involved with you and your family.
Okay, now, look.
Don't take too long.
Look at this building.
What is this? I don't know.
It's a building.
- The doors are on a diagonal.
- So what? It's architecturally incorrect.
Just go.
Is this a bad time? I hope I'm not disturbing anything.
We were about to sit down to dinner.
- This is Cynthia.
- Oh, hi.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
- What are you having? Veal? - No.
- Looks like veal.
- It's not veal.
Well, it's a good-looking piece of meat.
Wow, this is some place.
A duplex, huh? Look, stairs in an apartment.
All my life I dreamed about having steps in an apartment.
Even one step.
Sunken living room.
Although one step is not all that sunken.
- Who gave you my address? - No, that's a fair question.
It is.
Jerry.
Yeah.
Jerry's a friend of mine.
He gave it to me.
Unbelievable how many addresses this guy has.
He's got Marlon Brando's.
I could go to Marlon Brando's house if I wanted.
Of course, I wouldn't.
The guy is Obviously, the guy has his problems.
So you wanna talk about the show? Well, you know, it's really very funny.
Because, you know what we got here, really? We really just have a terrible misunderstanding.
See when I passed on the deal, I thought that's what Jerry wanted me to say.
- I misinterpreted.
- Russell, where's the TV Guide? What time is it? 8:30.
I'll tell you what's on.
You got Major Dad, Blossom Very funny program.
- Blossom's on Monday.
- Are you sure? Look who I'm talking to.
The president of NBC.
Mr.
Costanza, it's too late anyway.
I made a deal with another writing team.
All right, look.
We're people, you and me.
Businessmen, colleagues, if I may.
Let's not quibble.
We'll do it for the $ 13,000.
Thirteen thousand, and I never came up here.
We never talked.
You take good care.
It's nice seeing you again.
- Nice meeting you.
Cynthia, right? - Now, look.
These deals are already made.
All right.
Let me just say this.
Ten thousand dollars.
I'm going below what you wanted to pay.
You're having your dinner.
Have your veal or whatever it is.
Enjoy.
- Mr.
Costanza.
- All right.
That's it.
All right.
Good, $8000.
Cynthia, again, nice meeting you.
Have I commented on the shoes? I love suede.
It's so thick and rich.
Do you ever rub it against the grain? Russell, can we eat? - All right, 8000.
- You made Jerry very happy.
Could I just use your bathroom for a moment? All right, 200.
That's as high as I can go.
I think you're being unreasonable.
Jerry, I'd give you the watch.
It's not the money.
I happen to like it.
Look, I happen to know how much that watch costs.
It's a $60 watch.
You paid 40 to get it fixed.
That's $ 100.
- I'm offering you 200.
- I never seen a band like this.
All right, 300.
Plus 50 for the repair.
Three-fifty, that's it.
Do you have it on you? Yeah, I think I do.
This is unbelievable.
What the hell is going on here? Well, it's a pleasure to meet you.
- Thank you for coming in.
- Thank you.
- Please sit down.
- Alrighty.
Could I offer you something to drink? Coffee, anything? Okay, yeah.
I'll have a Do you have a decaf cappuccino? I don't think we have that.
Well, that's a little strange.
- Why does that surprise you? - Well, it's a very popular drink.
- This is an office.
- That's true.
- But, you know, I can't help but think - So tell me, Mr.
Kramer Okay, sure.
Tell me all about you and Elaine.
Oh, alrighty Well, what we have here, doctor, is an extraordinary situation.
- Is it? Oh, you'd better believe it.
You really have a terrible voice.
Do I know you? - I don't think so.
- Because you really look familiar.
Oh, well, maybe you've seen me.
My face is on Mount Rushmore.
- Yes, of course.
That's it.
I guess I'm just used to seeing it on a much larger scale.
Oh, yeah, right.
I replaced Teddy Roosevelt.
Oh, really? Trustbuster.
Bust this.
You know, I never thought of it like that before, doctor.
- You are absolutely right.
- I'm glad we agree.
Would you like a cigar? They're Cubans.
- I'd love one.
- Yeah.
I think Elaine is a wonderful woman.
You two will make a wonderful couple.
If you ever feel you need to talk to someone about anything, you have my number.
Well, that's very kind of you.
These are good, huh? I cannot believe I'm doing this.
I never meet people like this.
- You're not a nut, are you? - No, I don't think so.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
I never do stuff like this.
Really? I give my number to just about every customer who comes in here.
- You don't seem that desperate.
- Oh, yeah.
Actually I'm a little disappointed.
I kind of had my eye on Uncle Leo.
Well, I'll give you a call, and thanks for the fish.
- You know why fish are so thin? - Why? They eat fish.
- Hey.
- What happened? - What took you so long? - He's a terrific guy.
What are you talking about? What did he say? - We talked about a lot of things.
- You talked about a lot of things.
Well, did you talk about us? I'm in love.
I just met her outside in the street.
Her name's Elaine.
She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
Did you say Elaine? How come with the psychiatrist, every "the hour" is only 50 minutes? What do they do with that Do they just sit there going, "Boy, that guy was crazy.
I couldn't believe the things he was saying.
What a nut.
Who's coming in next? Oh, no, another headcase.
" - You should've told me it didn't work.
- I know, I know.
- You didn't have to throw it out.
- I was always late.
It was frustrating.
I'm sorry.
I really am.
- That must be Leo.
- I would've taken you to the airport.
- He has nothing to do.
- Neither do I.
- Yeah? - It's George.
Come on up.
It's George.
- Oh, George.
- Whatever happened with NBC? - George turned it down.
- He turned it down? - Why did he do that? - Because of Ted Danson.
- What does he have to do with it? - Maybe he doesn't like Ted Danson.
Who knows? Maybe we'll wind up getting more money.
- Hey.
- Hey, Georgie boy.
How are you? Hey, Mr.
and Mrs.
Seinfeld.
How are you? What's the matter with you? - What did I do? - What about NBC? Hear anything? Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did.
We got a deal.
You see, he had the right idea.
Hold out.
That's how you get the big money, huh, George? - Please, Morty.
- He knows how to talk to these people.
No one's gonna take advantage of Georgie.
I'm just happy to be working with your talented son who is not doing this for the money.
That is so refreshing.
- So, what did we get? - Eight thousand dollars.
- Beautiful.
- That's for the two of us.
- Four thousand apiece? - Let me see if I understand this.
In other words, you held out for less money.
- I was wrong.
You were right.
- The basic idea of negotiation as I understand it is to get your price to go up.
- You're smart.
I'm dumb.
- This is how they negotiate in the Bizarro World.
That's gotta be Leo.
- Yeah.
- It's Leo.
- All right, we're coming down.
- Let's get going.
Dad, before we go, I got a little something for you.
- A present.
- A present? Hey, look at this, a wallet.
Exactly what I needed.
- You see? - Come on, you lost your wallet.
- I figured I'd get you another.
- I hope you didn't spend too much.
This is one of the most thoughtful gifts anyone's ever given me.
- He's something, your son, isn't he? - All right.
Let's go.
- You're a terrific kid.
- Yeah, he's something, isn't he? How can anybody not like you? - You're very special.
- Yeah.
I'm good for about $4000.
- Hey, let's go.
It's 12:22.
- All right, Leo.
- Hey, Uncle Leo.
How you doing? - Hi, hi.
I got it.
This is some beautiful parking spot you've got here.
- I hate to give it up.
- Yeah.
Dad, you're sure you don't need more money? - Jerry.
- All right, I'm just joking.
Listen, have a nice trip.
- Bye, Mrs.
Seinfeld.
Take care.
- Thanks again for the wallet.
- Morty, always a pleasure.
- Yes.
Take care, now.
So long.
- Yeah, like he'd take your money.
- He took it.
I put $400 in the wallet.
He lost all that cash.
It was the only way I could give it back.
- Otherwise, he wouldn't accept it.
- I'd love to see the look on his face.
- You believe this? - What? - It's Velcro.
- You're kidding.
Who needs this? Leo, let's go.
The main difference between women's and men's wallets is the photo section.
True? Women carry with them a photo of every person they've ever met every day in their whole life since the beginning of time.
Every picture's out of date.
You know what I mean? "Here's my cousin, 3 years old.
She's in the Marines now.
This is my dog.
He died during the Johnson administration.
" You get stopped by a cop.
No license, no registration.
"Here's 56 people that know me.
" Cop goes, "Just wanted to make sure you had some friends.
Move it along.
Routine pal check.
"