The King of Queens s04e06 Episode Script

My eyes are gettin' weary my back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic on the queensborough bridge tonight but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do is cash my check and drive right home to you 'cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you Come on.
How long's it take to find your kid a Halloween costume? Quit rushin' me, man.
You're the one who took 20 minutes smelling shampoos.
Let's go! I'm trying.
He wants to be a superhero and there are no black superheroes.
How about this: Get him a leather coat, a turtleneck, let him go as shaft? I can't have my kid be shaft for Halloween.
He can't be the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks? He's 6.
Whatever.
And how many kids are you expecting to come to your house? This isn't for the kids.
This is for me.
So if that's all for you, what do your trick-or-treaters get, the finger? Nah.
We usually just shut the lights out and pretend we're not home.
Does that mean Carrie's gotta take an occasional egg to the back of the head? Sure.
But you know what? The trade-off's worth it.
Come on, man.
My kid wants to come to your house to trick-or-treat.
Can't you do something to make the place look a little halloweenish? I mean, get a pumpkin at least.
Damn.
If it'll shut you up, I'll get a pumpkin.
That's all? It's an orange vegetable with a dent.
So could we go, already? All right, all right.
Ooh! I'll just give him darth vader.
I mean, he's black, right? And James Earl Jones did his voice.
But wait when his mask finally comes off, he's a white guy.
What do you think? Let's go! Hey, how's it goin'? What is that? Oh, boy.
It's a pumpkin.
What is it doing in this house? Dad-- it's a Halloween thing for the kids.
What are you-- there will be no Halloween in this house! You understand? It's forbidden.
Forbidden! What the hell was that? Nothing.
He just hates Halloween.
That's all.
Yes, I gleaned that.
It doesn't give him the right to smash my pumpkin, does it? Does it? All right! Calm down.
It's a pumpkin, not your entenmann's cake.
We never do Halloween, anyway.
Why do you care so much? I don't.
I just got it 'cause Deacon's bringin' Kirby over.
Now I gotta go get another one.
And maybe an entenmann's cake.
Whoa--whoa--whoa--whoa! Don't get another pumpkin, Doug.
Why not? Just don't.
Why? Why? 'Cause it's forbidden by wrinkles McGee? Why do you wanna upset him so much? I mean, Kirby can see a pumpkin anywhere.
This town is stupid with pumpkins.
That's not the point, ok? I'm sick of him and his forbidding things.
First, we can only buy an American-made v.
C.
R.
Hey, the dugan-Edwards works pretty well.
Oh, yeah, it's great if you don't need it to "rewind" or "play.
" Let's not forget: No red pens, no soft cheese, no mention of f.
D.
R.
'S polio.
All right, so he's got some quirks.
Suddenly, this is news to you? I'm just sick of it, Carrie.
You know, at some point, someone's gotta take a stand against that lunatic, and you know what? I'm takin' that stand.
I'm gettin' a pumpkin.
Oh, so that's your stand? Your big stand is for Halloween? That's right.
World hunger, no, but--but Halloween, that's your cause? They're both important.
Right now, I'm focusing on Halloween.
Doug, honey, I am begging you.
You've gotta pick your battles with my father.
This is not worth fighting for.
Fine.
Fun-sized kit-kats.
Also forbidden! Costume-shopping twice in one week.
If this is a dream, do not wake me up.
Give me a break, will ya? Darth vader made him cry.
Too scary.
I hear that.
By the way, don't bother bringin' him by the house this year.
Why not? Stupid Arthur smashed the pumpkin all over our backyard.
Huge mess.
Plus the neighborhood cats are takin' their sweet-ass time lickin' it up.
He smashed the pumpkin? What's that guy's problem? Apparently, he's forbidden Halloween in my house.
Man, I've never understood how you let someone push you around who's just sponging off you in the first place.
Oh, I'm gettin' pushed around? You're the one who's runnin' back and forth to a drugstore trying to find a costume for someone who, let's face it, is totally spongin' off of you.
You mean my kid? That's right.
Cold glass of water, isn't it? Ok, first of all, Kirby's in grade school.
And second, he actually doesn't sponge off of us.
He does a lot to help out around the house.
Like what? Cleans his room, makes his bed, rinses his dinner plates.
He does? Yeah.
Son of a mother! Arthur doesn't do any of that.
I mean, the guy contributes nothing to our house, except the smell of brylcreem and old.
Man, he is wearin' me like a sombrero.
Black power ranger.
I guess I'll give this a shot.
A little witchy-witch action.
Witchy tah you, my friend, can go right over here.
Oh, 'cause we are takin' back the house tonight.
Slim, huh? Yeah! Trick or treat.
Hey, my first customer! Who are you supposed to be there, kirb? A powerpuff girl.
We, uh, fo-fought about this for 7 straight hours.
Which powerpuff girl are you, kirb? Blossom.
Blossom? Cool.
All right, well, here you go, blossom.
Take whatever you like.
A--a Mary Jane, Kirby? Take the 3 musketeers.
I want a Mary Jane.
No.
No.
He wants the three musketeers.
Feels like a lateral move, deac.
Thanks.
Hello? It's Arthur.
I gotta go.
Yeah.
Come on, Kirby Bye.
See you later.
It's showtime.
Hey, Arthur.
Hello, Douglas.
Hey, look, if you've gotta second, you might want to mosey on into the living room.
What for? 'Cause I just think there's somethin' in there that might interest ya.
Come on.
Hey, I like your costume.
Huh? I.
P.
S.
Driver.
That's hilarious.
Hey, if you really want to be convincing, make sure your candy gets to the kids 3 days late.
Right.
Doug, how's my dad? Is everything ok? Yeah, he's fine.
He's fine, ok? The doctor's in there now checking him out.
He had what they called, uh, a heart ischemia.
A heart ischemia? What the hell is that? Did he tell you? Yeah.
Yeah.
He said it's not that serious.
It's just when the heart a-a-and the ischemia part of the heart-- it doesn't throb in the traditional-- I don't know.
Would you listen when the man talks to you? Hi.
I'm Dr.
Davis.
Are you Mr.
spooner's daughter? Yes.
Is--is he ok? Is everything all right? Yes.
Your father's stable right now.
His condition isn't life-threatening, but we are going to keep him here to run some tests tomorrow just so we can find out exactly what's going on.
Ok, do you know what could have caused this? Oh, for God's sake, Carrie, there's no reason to live in the past.
Whatever happened, happened.
Just shut up.
I wanna know.
What--what could've caused it? Probably salt or somethin', right? I mean, the man likes his pickles.
Well, these things are usually brought on by some sort of shock to the system.
Actually, he said his son-in-law tried to scare him to death.
Anyhow, he's awake now, so you can head on in and say hello.
Ok.
Doctors.
They think they're God.
What'd you do, Doug? Nothing.
Doug! I put up a few Halloween decorations.
That's all.
Your father walked in, he saw a paper ghost and he just dropped! Oh, my God.
Carrie, it was a paper ghost.
He might as well have been scared by an envelope.
I asked you not to push him on this Halloween thing.
Why couldn't you just let it go? Because it's my house, ok? And he doesn't respect that.
The--the man doesn't even rinse his dishes.
Neither do you.
I do.
I did that time.
Hi, daddy.
How you doin'? Been better.
I know.
But you're gonna be fine.
Listen, can you do me a little favor? Sure.
Could you go through my address book and call all my friends and my loved ones? Don't alarm them.
Just bring them up to speed on my predicament.
Sure.
Anything else? I'd love a pack of sen-sen and the latest issue of gent.
Ok, I don't know what either of those things are, but I will do my best.
Ok, get some rest.
I love you.
I'm just gonna talk to him for a couple secs.
Be nice.
I will.
All right, Arthur, I get it.
Cold shoulder, ok? Look, I--I feel bad, all right? I'm sorry I made you have a heart Thing.
I'm--I'm sorry.
Arthur, I'm apologizing to you.
You know? But you gotta admit, you went a little insane over some Halloween decorations-- all right.
You just can't keep doing things like-- would you stop? Could you please stop moving? Arthur.
All right, forget it! Ok, forget it.
I tried to talk to you, but you just won't listen, so, you know, I'm outta here, ok? Douglas! Yeah.
Did I ever tell you about my father? No.
The man was a rotten gambler.
Oh, sure, once in a while he'd stumble on a winner and toss a nickel my way.
Before he could change his mind, I'd run down to Gabe's pizzeria for some lemon ices.
Nothing ever tasted better.
You ever been to Gabe's? It's a Bronx landmark.
Gabe's pizzeria? I--I don't think so.
They have a picture of a chimp with a big Italian moustache in the window.
It's hilarious.
Ok.
All right.
You do understand chimps don't usually have moustaches? I get the funny.
I just, uh Wh-where--where are you goin' with this, Arthur? Well, as I said, my father was usually broke.
One Halloween, when I was 8, things were especially bad.
It looked like we might go hungry.
In those days, on Halloween, people would give out apples and cakes, and sometimes, even a penny.
My father made me go trick-or-treating till my feet were numb.
I had to change costumes a few times so I could repeat houses.
But the neighbors knew.
I tell you, Douglas, it doesn't feel good to be pitied.
So you'll forgive me if I don't share your love for a holiday called Halloween.
I'm feelin' a little punk.
Good night.
So you knew that's why he hated Halloween? Why didn't you tell me? It's a horrible story.
I didn't want to embarrass him.
Now you don't want to embarrass him? Last week you sent me down there to apply ointment to his inflamed area.
This is different.
I didn't think I had to tell you a tragic story to keep you from trying to make his heart stop.
It was a paper ghost.
Here, is this scary to you? Look! It's wavin' at ya.
"How-do?" Ok, well, why doesn't he "how-do" in the garbage? All right? Now I gotta start makin' these calls for my dad.
I just I feel so bad.
I mean, all these years I thought Arthur was being insane just to annoy me.
Never thought that things in his life actually made him that way.
Oh, God, I can't get that image out of my mind of little Arthur in his beanie hat running down to that Gabe's pizzeria with a nickel in his hand.
Lemon ices! All right, he sounds like that now.
I don't think he did when he was 8.
Where are you goin'? I need some air.
Uh, hello.
Uh, is this dottie greco? Hi.
Yeah.
I have some not-so-good news, um, about your friend Arthur spooner.
Yeah.
He's in the hospital with a minor heart problem.
He's not in any-- huh? Uh, no.
I don't know if he still has your redd foxx album.
But that's not really why I was calling.
No, I'm not gonna go look for it now.
I'm trying to tell you something that-- hello? Ok, please tell me that was the right Gabe's pizzeria.
Nope.
The guy said he's only been in business since '83.
Danny aiello's had a slice there.
All right, so where's the next Gabe's? All right, the next one is "original Gabe's, There's an original Gabe's? Why the hell didn't we start with that one? Because there's 4 original Gabe's.
Can't we just go to any of them? No! I gotta get him lemon ices from the same place he got 'em as a kid! I owe it to him.
It's the least I can do for almost killin' the guy.
A buck's worth of lemon ices? Actually, that is the least you can do.
You know what? You said you'd help, all right? You don't wanna help, I'll take you home.
I don't feel like bein' home right now anyway.
This thing with Kirby's got me kinda rattled.
I'm afraid I'll walk in the door and he'll be wearing a girdle.
Hey, take it easy, all right? Just 'cause he wants to be a girl superhero doesn't mean he's gay.
You know they say that most drag queens are actually straight? That's supposed to make me feel better? A little.
Arthur spooner.
S-p-o-o-n-e-r.
Same name as you! Oh, now, come on.
Don't say that.
That's not nice at all.
Trick or treat! Oh, what great costumes.
Listen, the man might die, then how would you feel, huh? What are you, a witch? Scary.
Oh, you would, too, give a rat's ass! Stuart little right here in my house.
Oh, would you stop your whining? He taught me to swim the same way.
It's called tough love, you idiot.
Happy Halloween.
Was that it? Nope.
That was Gabe's oriental massage.
Danny aiello's been there, too.
Ok, you know what? Just send your ex-business partner a friggin' card, ok? Get a pen.
Never mind who this is.
Get a pen! Trick or treat! I'm gonna need about 15 minutes.
I told you we'd find it.
Feel kinda stupid now, don't ya? Actually, I stopped caring Hey, how you doin'? A pint of lemon ices, please.
We're closed.
You know what? We're headed right back out as soon as you hook us up with some ices.
Lem-eon-eonee-on! Buddy, do me a favor.
I already z'd out the register.
He already z'd out the register.
Hey! Ok, would you, please? Look, here-- here's the deal.
There's an old man who used to come to this place when he was a kid, and eating these lemon ices was the one bright spot in his whole rotten childhood.
That man is lying in a bed right now in a hospital with a heart ischemia.
That's right, a heart ischemia.
What do you say, friend, huh? Come on.
I had a heart ischemia.
It ain't that bad.
I'm beggin' ya.
One cup of ices.
I said no! Try pathmark.
Come on.
Let's just go to pathmark.
I need sucrets anyway.
I think I'm gettin' sick.
All right.
The dumpster's all the way down there.
What are you doin'? I'm gettin' my father-in-law some lemon ices.
What the hell are you doin', man? That-that's stealing.
Not if I leave him You'll spot me 20? Fine.
Hurry up, will ya? Ok.
Wait a second! This is pineapple! So? Get him pineapple.
The man wants lemon! This is banana! Damn it, they're all yellow! Will you hurry up? Well, there it is.
Lemon.
There's lemon.
Ok.
Let's go.
Ooh, it's a little gooey-- let's go! Ok! Hey, could I get a slice and a coke, please? Uh, sorry.
We're closed.
Aw, come on, man.
I just got off my shift.
Guy, I already z'd out the register.
Ok, fine.
"Coke," you said? Yeah.
Pepsi, ok? Sure.
You havin' a good Halloween? Oh, yeah, sure, you know.
Got stuck in traffic comin' home, though.
They're havin' that big gay pride parade downtown.
Oh, man, that's a wild scene, I gotta tell ya.
My son's gay.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah.
Great kid.
Great kid.
Hmm.
I love him a lot.
Aw.
Hey! Open the door! You know what? We, uh, we gotta go.
Hey! I got you somethin'.
I think you're gonna like it, pal.
He's fine.
He had another slight episode, but thankfully, there was no additional damage to the heart.
Oh! Thank God.
But it might be a good idea to stop scaring him.
Mmm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Thank you, doctor.
It was a paper bag! So what do you think? Delicious, Douglas.
Thank you.
This really takes me back.
Lemon ices!