Modern Family s04e07 Episode Script

- Night.
- No.
- Middle of the phone.
I got it.
- Get it.
- Oh! My arm's asleep! My arm's asleep! - Get the phone.
- Phil, get the phone.
- Oh! That's me.
Hello! Hi.
Yes, this is she.
Who is it? Okay.
Oh, God.
Tell me what's happening here! Haley has been arrested.
What? Phone! Phone.
I bet that's mama.
I was just dreaming it was raining chickens! Mitchell, answer the phone! Look what I am doing.
Look what I am doing, huh? - Hello? - Hey, Mitchell.
I'm sorry to wake you up, but Haley got arrested.
Oh, God.
Haley got arrested.
That explains the chickens.
It does.
It adds up.
What did she get arrested for? Oh, she got caught drinking at some party.
Look, could you drive up to the college with us? - I think we're gonna need a lawyer.
- Yes, of course.
And Cam and Lily can come over and stay with Alex and Luke.
- I'll guard them with my life.
- Yeah, yeah.
I hate to bother him.
No, no, don't be silly.
He's happy to do it.
Okay, we'll be over in a little bit.
- Okay.
- Oh, I get it.
When you told Claire I would come over and watch the kids, she was resistant because she doesn't trust my parenting skills.
No.
Don't be silly.
She just didn't want to put you out.
She's got a daughter behind bars and she's got the nerve to say I'm a bad parent? - You didn't defend me.
- Because she didn't say anything.
Why are you protecting her? Why is no one protecting me? No.
Ay! Answer! Answer! This better be good.
Haley got arrested for drinking.
We gotta go bail her out.
Do you still have a connection to that judge upstate? - He died.
- Ay! Who died? An old friend of mine.
Ay, Jay, I'm so sorry.
He died five years ago.
Then why are they calling us in the middle of the night to wake us up?! Nobody died.
Haley's in jail.
Okay.
That makes more sense.
Claire has to go bail her out.
Okay.
Give me that.
Claire, listen to me-- Take a lot of cash.
And when you flash it to the police, do not speak about it.
Let the eyes do all the talking, okay? I heard the phone.
Who died? Jay's friend.
Oh, Jay, I'm so sorry.
Okay.
I can't do this again.
It's breakfast It's breakfast time It's breaky breaky time Uncle Cam.
I thought I heard your voice.
What are you doing here? Where are my parents? Well, the school called, and your sister won a big award.
Nice try.
The only person who would believe that would be Haley.
She's in jail.
Jail? Lily, what did I say? That it was only a matter of time.
Okay, no.
Didn't say that.
Okay, so here's the truth.
Your sister was caught drinking.
But it's no big deal.
Your parents are there taking care of it right now.
So This is so awesome! I hope she hits the weights so she's totally ripped when she gets out.
Okay.
Let's change the subject.
Have a seat.
Have some breakfast.
See if there's anything on that plate you like a lot.
Is this bacon? Of course it is, silly.
Been on a little bit of a health kick lately, so I took a vegan cooking class, and my new thing is "fakon.
" It's like real bacon.
Except for the look, the texture, and the taste.
Maybe the store-bought kind.
But I make my own, so it's not even real fakon.
It's faux-fakon.
"Faux-kon.
" It's faux-kon disgusting.
You can't tell the difference.
And guess which one's the real one? That one.
That one.
Still that one.
This is the best bacon I've ever had.
Oh, well.
I can't wait to tell your Uncle Mitchell that you love it.
Why would Uncle Mitch care? Because, my dear, that bacon you're eating isn't bacon at all, no, no, no.
It's made entirely of soy.
Luke's allergic to soy! His throat closes! He can't breathe! - Hello? - Never mind! Okay, okay.
We have to, uh, get you to the, uh, hospital! - Lily! Come on, baby.
- Okay, Luke! Put the fakon down! I'm using it to scratch my throat! Okay.
Okay.
Let's go.
Come on.
Go.
Cam? C-Cam? That was weird.
Hey, Claire, do you wanna pick it up a little bit? Since when do you drive the speed limit? My daughter has been arrested for drinking.
I would like her to sit in jail and think about that.
As a matter of fact, I might stop and do a little outlet shopping.
Who wants a pair of last year's sunglasses, huh? Honey Try to relax.
I don't feel like relaxing, Phil! She has been in college for six weeks.
Yeah, and everyone goes a little crazy at first.
I remember one night freshman year, a bunch of us on the frisbee golf team got a case of zima.
Enough zaid.
More than enough.
I'm not gonna lie.
Sometimes it bothers me how calm Phil is under pressure.
It's like Like I'm the one who's overreacting.
That's good.
Let it out.
It's g-- I'm going to kill you.
Jay, do you have some time today? We need to go and pick out a stroller.
Just get whatever you want.
I mean, it's what you're gonna do anyway.
What I want is a husband who likes to go shopping for a stroller with me.
If you had a husband who liked picking out strollers, you wouldn't be having a baby.
So who wants to come with me to the spoken word festival this evening? I only have two tickets, so somebody's gonna be disappointed.
I think it's gonna be you.
Ay, Manny, I would go with you, but I'm so tired.
You just woke up.
How are you tired? Maybe because I'm turning food into a human! Jay will take you.
Sorry, I would love to go to the spoken word festival, but I'm already going to the I'd-rather-blow-my-brains-out jamboree.
I can't believe this.
I'm living in a cultural wasteland.
With a heated pool.
Manny, vamos.
You're gonna be late for school.
Oh, jeez.
Hello, DeDe.
Good morning, Jay.
Namaste.
Let's not do this.
Oh, fine, silly.
I'm on my way to a retreat in Ojai, and since I'm passing through town, I thought I'd pick up that photo album.
You know, it's really not a good time.
Oh, please.
All right.
I'll meet you on the street.
Drive by slow with the window open.
I was dreading DeDe finding out that Gloria's pregnant.
It's the one thing DeDe's hung on to, that she's the mother of my kids.
And considering their history I-I wanna rip your head off! - No! Please stop it! - Whoa! Eh? No! DeDe! I wasn't exactly looking forward to round four, especially now that Gloria's a bigger, slower target.
I'd normally be having breakfast right now.
Hi, dad.
Hey, Claire.
Any updates? Not yet, but we're almost there.
Last time you were over at the house, you were looking at that photo album.
What'd you do with it? Oh, dad, that was me.
I think I put it on the shelf behind the bar.
What are you doing there? They asked me to come along in case they needed a lawyer.
Shouldn't they have a real lawyer? Oh, God.
Should we? I am a real lawyer, people.
Environmental law is a thing.
Don't get all sensitive on me.
I mean someone who doesn't defend pandas.
Yeah, dad, 'cause that's what I do.
I-I defend pandas in court.
That's adorable.
You know what I'm talking about.
Haley needs somebody who knows criminal law, like Perry Mason.
Okay, so I'm not a real lawyer, but Perry Mason is? Oh, hell.
Hello, DeDe.
How you doing? Oh, mostly fine.
I have something called a telescoping uterus.
- Long story.
- Aw, jeez.
Out of my way! - Out of my way! - I can't breathe! This boy can't breathe.
He's having a severe allergic reaction.
No.
You're squeezing me.
He needs medicine.
His throat is closing up.
Okay.
Hold on.
We have an allergic reaction.
A young boy.
Obstructed breathing.
What happened? Well, somebody gave him some soy bacon That was so good, he couldn't tell the difference.
Mitchell, I can't talk right now.
Cam, it's Claire.
My phone died.
I just wanted to make sure the kids got to school okay.
Oh, yeah, of course they did.
Why wouldn't they have? - I hear we got a boy who can't breathe? - Right here.
What was that? Oh, I'm just watching an original lifetime movie called "The boy who can't breathe.
" That sounded like Alex.
Nope.
Just Amanda Bynes.
Okay, gotta go.
Cam.
Cam? That's weird.
Can you believe how many waffle places we passed? I can't believe how much dad belittles me.
What were there? Five? Six? I edited the law review.
I passed the bar on my first try.
I have a briefcase.
I'm counting them on the way back.
Can we focus? Uh, hi.
We're here for Haley Dunphy.
I'm Mitchell Pritchett.
I'm miss Dunphy's attorney.
She won't be needing a lawyer today.
Oh, I think I'll be the judge of that.
I'd like to confer with my client now.
Thank you.
All you have to do is post bail, and she's all yours.
Really? Oh.
That--that's fantastic.
Sir, I am in no mood - to defend my daughter today, believe me.
- Okay.
But do you think it is the best use of resources to lock up college kids who've had a few drinks? Ma'am, your daughter was charged with resisting arrest and assaulting a police officer.
- What? - Oh.
You probably should have called a real lawyer, - 'cause I don't I'm not - Shh! Look, this has gotta be some kind of mistake.
Our daughter's tiny.
There's no way she assaulted anyone.
Insulted, maybe.
Was--was the cop wearing white socks and dark shoes? 'Cause that really sets her off.
Maybe you should watch this.
Stop! Put your hands where I can see 'em! Okay.
Now that's very blurry footage.
How can we be sure that that's Haley? Don't you move.
Don't hurt me! I'm just a student! I'm Haley Dunphy! So hot.
Hot in here-- no.
How long is this gonna take? I should be in school.
I'm missing biology right now.
You're in a hospital.
Just step out into the hallway.
Listen to the nurses and doctors talk.
You'll learn more about science and humanity here than you would in a classroom in an entire semester.
Attention! If there's a yogurt in the fridge that says "Theresa," then only Theresa gets to eat it! Drama.
Soak it in.
- Oh, good God.
- Okay, Luke, the opening is supposed to be in the back.
No way.
I don't want people to see my butt.
Do I have to get another shot? Are you going to cry again? - Should she be here? - Okay.
You know what? Nobody's getting any more shots.
We just have to wait for the swelling to go down.
All right? I'm gonna go check on a little paperwork.
I'll be right back.
But if it doesn't go down, that leg might have to come off.
Sweet.
Take them both.
Then I could get some of those blade legs and finally be able to dunk.
How you feeling, champ? What do we got here? The patient presents bronchial inflammation, dermal pruritus, and minor angioedema.
Who can tell me the cause? It's an allergic reaction to soy.
Very good.
The rest of you have a lot to learn.
Let's keep moving.
Stay with Luke.
What is taking so long? Well, in my experience, these things can take time.
So settle in.
This--this could be a while.
There she is.
Damn it.
Oh, thank God.
- You're okay? - Yeah, I'm fine, mom.
Oh! What the hell were you thinking? What happened? It's not a big deal, okay? There was a party, and people were drinking - Mm.
- So the police showed up, and everybody ran, so I did, too.
And I started climbing down this fire escape And then I heard a cop yell to put your hands up, so I did and I fell onto him.
You could have been killed.
Haley, you're supposed to be an adult.
How could you do something so childish - Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- And so stupid? Let's calm down.
We're all a little tired and cranky.
Best thing we can do right now is get out of here, go get some waffles-- I don't want waffles, Phil, okay? I'm upset and I want to deal with this.
All right, I got some bad news here.
Um, this afternoon, Haley has to appear before a disciplinary board, which will decide whether or not she gets kicked out of school.
- What? - Ohh.
Oh, wait.
Wait, no.
I got that wrong.
Oh, no, I got it right! Yes! Score.
It's what it sounds like.
It literally telescopes.
- You see, what happens is-- - DeDe, I hate to rush this, - but I'm late for a meeting.
- Oh.
And it's been great seeing you, but can I walk you out? Okay.
Sure.
Ay, Jay, it's so weird.
The moment I came through the door, the baby started kicking like crazy, like it's trying to claw its way out of me.
Bruja! Oh, my God.
What is she doing here? You're going to have a baby? I don't believe it.
Uh, DeDe, don't get all crazy about this.
What's happening? Her brain.
It snapped.
Oh! You're going to be a father again at your age.
And here you were thinking you would just sail off into the sunset with your beautiful young wife, not a care in the world.
This is fantastic! I think my uterus just fixed itself.
Don't ask.
Who lives like this? When I had a dorm room, it was Oh--it was spotless.
Can we just agree that girls are dirtier than boys? - What should we do? - Well, I'd like to start by picking up some of these clothes.
Then-- I meant about the hearing, Felix.
Do we have a game plan? I think the best thing we can do is walk in there as a family and let them know we support Haley no matter what.
At this rate, we are going to be supporting Haley for the rest of our lives.
Okay.
Oh, I I just sat on half a peach, so I-- no.
I can't do this.
I'm--I'm waiting outside.
Disgusting.
What are you wearing? What? What's wrong with it? Honey, you are fighting for your future in front of a disciplinary committee, not entertaining the secret service.
In "Legally blonde," Elle won her case because she was true to herself and dressed cute.
Haley, this is real life, not an excellent movie.
Honey, just put on something else, and take down the makeup.
Why are you guys acting like this is my fault? Everybody was drinking, everybody ran.
I just got caught.
If anything, I'm the victim here.
What?! Just stop-- just stop talking, Haley.
You're not the victim here.
You're the one who screwed up! You made one bad decision after another, and now you're about to blow everything your mother and I worked so hard to give you.
And the worst thing is, you don't seem to care.
We all got up at 3:00 A.
M.
this morning to bail you out of jail! We haven't eaten a thing, and you know what I haven't heard from you yet? "I'm sorry, mom.
I screwed up, dad.
Please forgive me.
" Now put on some real clothes.
We'll see you at the hearing.
Do not be late! Come on.
Where are you going? To get that man a waffle.
There.
There.
Did you feel it kicking? Oh, yes! Oh, I remember those.
Yeah, Claire kicked me as soon as she grew legs, and she didn't stop until she was 4.
Not Manny.
He was so calm, I think that he was reading in there.
This is beautiful.
Look at you two, having a conversation like old friends.
Well, it's easier to talk to her when she's not choking me.
I'm sorry.
I went through a bad patch there when I was trying to find the right balance with my meds.
I recently discovered my cat Frances buried in the backyard.
I'm just praying that she died first.
Maybe you can dogsit for the shoe-eater one day.
Oh, well, she is a funny-looking thing.
Don't listen to them.
You're beautiful.
Turns out Gloria being pregnant somehow made DeDe think of her as less trophy, more human.
And all the animosity she had for Gloria just wafted up in the air I hope you're hiring a nanny, because this one won't lift a finger.
And landed right on top of me.
I don't remember him changing a single diaper.
What's that supposed to mean? You can't even remember killing your cat.
Oh, I don't think I did.
But I'm sure that you never changed any diapers.
It's just that you were better at it than I was.
Oh, so I guess I was better at late-night feedings and cleaning spit-up, too.
You know what? He wouldn't help me pick up a stroller or a blanket or a bouncy chair.
Oh, well, I had to get that stuff on my own.
He was just useless.
You poor thing.
Makes all sense now why you became so crazy.
Right? Listen to me, Jay Pritchett.
If you don't change your useless ways, you're gonna make me crazy, too! Like DeDe! Gloria.
Gloria.
I just love our little visits.
Mom, I'm home! Oh, hi, Manny.
DeDe.
How are you? Good.
DeDe.
It's me.
How are you really? I'm on a better path.
It's a journey.
Thank you for asking, Manny.
And thank you for your letters.
It's a lost art.
No one puts pen to paper anymore.
Haley Dunphy? Yes, that's me.
I'm Dean Miller with admissions.
- This is Professor Williams.
- Hi.
And this is our student representative, - Aidan Feldman.
- Nice to meet you.
Seriously? We sit next to each other in Econ.
- Oh, right.
You-- - Don't.
It insults both of us.
Mostly me.
Move it along, Aidan.
This is a disciplinary hearing, not JDate.
You are charged with public drunkenness, resisting arrest, and assaulting a police officer, all of which obviously violate our school's code of conduct.
Sir, if I may speak on behalf of my client - Who are you? - I'm Mitchell Pritchett, I'm miss Dunphy's attorney.
We require students to speak for themselves.
There are no attorneys allowed.
You shouldn't even be here.
What if I just sat in this chair and I was really super quiet and I just listen? I'll allow it.
Knock it off, Aidan.
Miss Dunphy, is there anything you would like to say in your defense? Actually, I have no defense.
I was drinking.
I am underage.
I ran from the police.
And even though it was an accident, I injured an officer.
I am very, very sorry.
I've made a lot of bad decisions since I've been here, and it's time I take some responsibility.
Like sometimes in the dining hall, I slip my pinky under the scale when they weigh my salad.
Also, I've missed more morning classes than I've been to.
- She's kidding.
- I don't know what the policy is on dating T.
A.
S, - but I think I broke it.
- Huh? - Twice.
- Oh, man.
Oh, and if we're gonna be completely honest, on my application to get in here, - I lied about the fact that I was-- - Uh, objection! - On what grounds? - Oh, he gets to say it?! He gets to-- Miss Dunphy, miss Dunphy, we appreciate your candor.
Is there anything else you'd like to add? Go, Wildcats? Oh, boy.
That's not even our mascot.
What does this do? I don't know, but thanks to Obama, you're paying for it.
Hey.
You're looking a lot better.
How you feeling? Better than kidney stones over there.
Yeah, you know what? Now that you're doing better, I think I should call your mom and tell her what happened.
You know, I know it was a bit of a rough ride in the beginning, but the important thing is, is I handled it.
- And everybody's okay.
- What happened to her? - Hello? - She passed out watching a C-Section.
Cam? Never mind! What are you looking for? Nothing! I am making a lot of noise because I'm angry! Gloria, I'm gonna help you with the baby.
I am not young like with Manny.
I am tired already, and it's gonna get harder from here! I can't do this on my own, and you did this to me, so you're going to be here this time! Back then, we were living paycheck to paycheck.
The reason I wasn't around is I was working all the time.
Believe me, DeDe wasn't the only one having sleepless nights.
But now it's different.
Now I can help you with everything.
Really? Let's start right now.
I like that one.
Which one? That silver stroller.
No, we're going to get the green one.
Great.
What's next? How about I pick out the wrong crib? How you doing, Alex? I'm fine, except for the crushing blow of knowing I'll never be a doctor.
Or have a baby.
I wonder what's going on with Haley.
I don't know.
I've been so petty about your mom judging my parenting, I haven't even thought about what she's going through today.
I feel awful.
You know what? I should call her.
What are you talking about? Mom thinks you're a great parent.
She does? Yeah, she just thinks you can't bake.
Hello? Never mind.
Making a child is the easy part.
The hard part is everything that comes after.
Keeping them safe Well, you can tell your mother that my scones are appropriately crunchy on the outside while delightfully dense on the ins-- Saw that.
Saw it.
Making sacrifices for them Hey, kid.
I'll take you to that poetry reading thing tonight.
Actually, DeDe and I were just talking.
She's a huge fan of spoken word And I would love to escort him.
- Please.
- Go.
And standing by them, even when they let you down.
I really am sorry.
We appreciate that.
It's good that you stepped up today.
Yeah.
Sometimes it's healthy to get a fresh start.
Ugh.
I can't believe this.
What am I gonna do? Well, they said you could reapply next year.
In the meantime, you're gonna get a job and you're gonna take some classes.
Well, I'm gonna buckle down and get a lot more serious.
- Good for you.
- Yeah.
Where are my keys? Oh, they're right there on the makeup table.
Oh, honey That's a desk.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing here? I got kicked out.
So go ahead, make your jokes.
Get it out of your system.
No, that's horrible.
I'm so sorry.
It'll be fine.
I'm sure of it.
Thank you.
Ew, what did you do to my room?! Well, it's not exactly your room.
It's--it's mine.
This goes.
This goes.
I hate that.
- This is ugly.
- Haley, stop! - Mom! - Mom! What is this? A solar system? It's molecules.
They're nerdy balls.
Alex, don't fight with her.
She might have a shiv.
We cool?