Roseanne s04e07 Episode Script

Hey, who stole my bacon? Don't look at me.
I don't eat meat anymore.
Give it back, D.
J.
Oh, mom, he licked it.
I did not! It's slimy.
Would you shut up? Your dad's in there trying to sleep! Now here, give me that bacon he licked, And I'll feed it to your dad.
You know what to do.
Pick D.
J.
up from school, take him to soccer practice, then pick me up at the mall.
Why not just buy me a chauffeur jacket and cap? That's all I ever hear from you.
"I need new clothes.
Buy me a hat.
Buy me a jacket.
Me.
Me.
Me.
" I thought you were sleeping.
And miss hearing my family scream At the top of their lungs in the morning? Well, you know, it's breakfast time, Dan.
I did my best.
You should be thankful nobody was hurt.
Is this big pile of dirty clothes on the floor here for me? Oh, honey, and it's not even my birthday.
It was late.
I was tired.
I was going to pick them up in the morning After a full four hours' sleep.
Where's the towels? In the washer.
Why are they in there? They're taking a ride.
How am I supposed to take a shower? Why do you wash all the towels at once? Just to tick you off.
Here.
Sign this.
It's not like the towels are dirty.
When you shower, you're clean.
The towels are just wet.
Until it gets hairier than you are.
Wait! What was that, your report card? Damn.
Four Cs and a "D.
" Well, at least we know you're doing your best.
Well, I'm just getting to know my teachers.
I liked last year's excuse much better.
Remember? "I can't concentrate in class 'cause of the asbestos.
" What do you want, better grades or better excuses? With grades like that, you'll be able to operate any slurpee machine in this town.
So what, am I grounded? No.
Just go to school.
Follow Becky.
She knows where it is.
You let her off mighty damn easy.
What are you talking about? You ought to start putting some pressure on that girl.
Make her do more homework.
I'll get right on that Because I don't have enough to do.
How long are you going to let this go on? Let's pretend like you're ever home.
What would you do? Don't start.
I'm killing myself at that shop.
I don't have a job, the restaurant, and the kids.
You get eight hours' sleep.
Oh, yeah.
That's why I'm so damn chipper in the morning.
What is this about, Roseanne--clothes, Darlene, what? Could you just take me to the restaurant? Could you do that without us fighting? Yeah.
I think I can manage that! Fine! And don't use all the toilet paper either.
That's our last roll! How long have you been here? Since hairy towels.
That was a good one.
Well, Jackie, whatever you're here for, Just go ahead, borrow it, eat it, use it, or wash it.
I don't give a damn.
Jeez, what a mood.
I just need a thermos of coffee.
Knock yourself out.
O.
k.
Thanks.
Have you got a thermos? It's on top of the fridge there.
O.
k.
Yep.
Got to stay awake on the highway.
Truckers' motto-- Stay awake.
Do you want to talk about it? Oh, god, Jackie, don't you have some load of innocent chickens to drop off at the nugget factory or something? What's the deal? You guys have been fighting all the time lately.
No, that isn't true.
We only fight when we see each other, which is hardly ever.
Come on.
It's just a combination of the fact That we are both exhausted and he's such a jerk! [Knock on window.]
Oh, my god.
It's Arnie.
What's he doing here so early in the morning? Perhaps he dropped by to have sex with you again.
Look I made a mistake, o.
k.
? When are you going to drop it already? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm just crazed.
You better get out of here.
Pretty soon he'll figure out where the door is.
I got to go.
I got to get on the road anyway, But just take it easy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Is anybody going to get the door? Anybody's on her way.
If you're going to make a big deal out of it-- Did I? Don't do me any favors! I know it's early, But I brought Nancy with me so you'd let me in.
Oh, what? You guys are together again, I see.
Forever.
It's official.
I'm settling for Arnie.
And we're getting hitched, And we wanted you guys to be the first to know.
You come over here every couple of months, say you're going to get married, but you never do.
This time it's for real.
I Said I wouldn't marry until I had money put away.
Nancy's dad gave me $5,000 never to see her again.
You are such a leech.
Get off my back, you tramp.
You're worthless.
You're easy.
I smell coffee.
Come on, honey.
He rules my world.
That was a bad thing to see.
So you're finally going to do it, huh? You got it.
Just a small affair.
We want you to be best man and best woman.
You don't need a new dress.
It's very casual.
It's o.
k.
We'd love to.
Name the time and place.
We'll be there.
Las Vegas, Nevada.
We leave sunday, come back tuesday.
Vegas for three days? Jeez, I don't know.
You guys love Vegas.
We can't afford it now.
Everything's on us.
Just bring money to gamble.
Hold on.
It would just be the four of us.
If you guys don't go, we won't have any fun.
I can't just close down the shop for two days.
I'll get tickets for Wayne Newton.
Oh, Wayne! If there was any possible way, we'd love to do it, But we just can't.
Aw, Dan.
Arnie, he said no.
Sorry for barging in.
Thanks for the coffee.
It would be like a second honeymoon for you.
Arnie! What? I don't think you should grovel.
Why not? I'm good at it.
Are you ready to go to work? What? Well, thank you for answering for both of us, Dan.
You wanted to go? Yeah, I think it would be a good thing.
It would be good for us, Dan.
Why didn't you say something? I tried, but you were unstoppable.
You want to take off and leave the kids? Yes, Dan.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Becky can take care of everything around here.
Last year, I was supposed to go to Vegas, But you screwed everything up.
Oh, right.
I made it snow.
I closed down O'hare international airport.
I have that power.
I want to see Wayne Newton! How do I close down the shop for two days? You're the boss.
If you don't show up, it's just closed.
You just don't want to go anywhere! I Could use a vacation as much as anybody else! So what's stopping you? Nothing! Good.
Call Arnie.
Tell him we're going.
Fine! Fine! Second honeymoon! You're on! [Dan.]
* Luck, be a lady tonight * Luck, be a lady tonight Stick with me, baby I'm the fella you came in with Luck, be a lady tonight [Roseanne.]
* Luck, be a lady tonight * Luck, be a lady tonight Luck, if you've ever been a lady to begin with Luck, be a lady tonight [Dan.]
* Luck, be a lady * [Dan and Roseanne.]
* Luck, be a lady * Tonight Yes! All right! Yes! Oh, you're doing good.
Yeah.
Can't seem to lose.
Great.
Boy, is this machine hot! Yes! Ha ha ha ha! Uhh! Roseanne Conner from Lanford, Illinois.
Alice Thurber, Ottumwa, Iowa.
Well, nice to meet you.
Yes! Oh, man, you won again.
That's great.
Yeah.
I got a system.
I walk around until a machine sends off vibes.
Well, this one Washumming! Yes! There she is.
Wow! Bing! Bing! Ah, great! Hey, uh, Dan, Alice Thurber.
Alice Thurber, my husband Dan.
Good to meet you, Alice.
Same here.
Yeah, Alice Thurber is having a great night on these machines.
Alice Thurber is? Alice Thurberis.
Here's half of the gambling money.
Me and Arnie are going to go shoot craps.
Kiss for luck.
Can I get a little more money from you? What did you do with what I gave you? I bought a hamburger.
Well, here's another 20, but make it last.
Where's my kiss? Bye, sweetie.
Hey, Dan, can I get 20 from you? O.
k.
, but not on the lips.
You know, I just want to thank you for coming up here with us.
It means so much to Arnie and me.
It came at the perfect time.
We really needed to get away.
I should be thanking you.
You guys have been married forever.
Last May.
Any advice for the newlyweds? Well, since you and Arnie are paying for the trip and show And food and everything, No.
Hey, I never did ask you-- How did you and Arnie meet? Remember when he worked for the water department? He was reading my meter one day, And I caught him peeping through the blinds at me.
Oh, he still does that? It was so perverted.
So we started dating.
One thing led to another.
The next thing I know, he's living in my car.
[Dan.]
paging Alice Thurber.
Doggone it.
Telephone call for Alice Thurber.
Me and Dan have a system, too.
Ha ha ha ha.
[Ding.]
Whoa! Aah! I can't, Mark.
I got to study tonight.
Oh, don't be stupid.
If he wasn't stupid, he wouldn't be anything.
Drop dead.
I'll talk to you later, ok? I love you.
I love you, too, Becky.
Oh, Darlene, don't be jealous.
You could have a boyfriend, too, you know.
A little lipstick, a little mascara.
A big juicy pork chop tied around your neck.
[Telephone rings.]
Hello.
Oh, hi, mom.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Want to talk to Becky? Well, she's in your bed right now with Mark.
Should I wake them? Give me the phone! I'm right here.
D.
J.
, go take a bath.
I got to do a science project.
So do it.
Mom always helps me.
Mom's in Las Vegas, D.
J.
, And she's never coming back.
I got to make a sundial.
Well, then make a sundial.
I don't know how.
Just find something round.
There.
Now take it outside, and when it starts to stink, it's tomorrow.
Deej, you want to talk to mom? No! No.
Well, mom, you already called twice today.
No--no, mom, we do, too, miss you.
Well, we would if you'd leave us alone.
Boo! Call the kids? Yeah.
They're still there.
How the hell does this work? You put a quarter in.
If it pushes the other quarters off the edge, You get to keep them.
There's a hundred quarters Just waiting to jump off the cliff.
Man.
Uh They got this sucker nailed down pretty good.
O.
k.
We'll do it your way.
Give me a quarter, Dan.
This will be easy money.
If it looks easy, I'll bet it is.
Here.
Let me fish out a quarter.
Get us a big bucket to catch our winnings! Just give me the quarter.
You know the guy that invented this game must be a moron.
Give me another one.
Give me another one.
Give me another one.
Oh, here it comes.
Here it comes.
Give me another one.
Yahoo! Look at that! I Won! A quarter.
Look at that.
Don't go giving all that back.
Walk away a winner.
What do you want to do-- craps, blackjack? No.
Guess again.
Liberace museum.
Say something sexy, Dan.
We're up 85 bucks.
Ooh.
Let's go to the room.
Could this be happening-- No kids, no work, Just you and me? Dan! Rosie! And Nancy and sluggo.
Hey, check it out! We've converted our craps winnings into actual crap.
Oh, man, you won, too? How does this place stay in business? Isn't this the worst? God, I hope so.
You're my best man.
Let's go rent me a tux.
Can't you do that by yourself, Arnie? Come on.
You know I can't do anything by myself.
Oh, go on, Dan.
Later? Later.
Later, we're taking you guys to dinner.
I won't take hell no for an answer.
Let's go, Dan.
Honey, remember, I'm wearing white.
You should wear white, too.
We're going as virgins.
Rosie, tell me the truth, you saw that woman.
My boob job's better than her boob job.
You can't compare.
It's apples and oranges.
When I first decided to do this, Arnie and I got into a huge fight.
I wanted to look like Jamie Lee Curtis, And he wanted the Adrienne Barbeaus, But I didn't have enough skin.
O.
k.
, look, we've done the buffet thing.
We've done the gambling thing, the shopping thing.
What do you want to do tonight? I'd just like to get Dan and do the alone thing.
Isn't that sweet, after all these years? Yeah.
I think we're ready again.
Give me that.
Do it again.
Seven, red! All right! That third dessert's almost always a mistake.
Yeah, but you definitely got them rethinking The all-you-can-eat concept.
All right.
Seven! Damn! You keep betting against me, And it's ticking me off.
There's no rule against that.
I can bet any way I want.
But it's like a code.
You don't bet against friends.
You play your way, I play mine.
Now roll the dice! Yo, 11! Hell! Going to bet on me now? No.
You're bound to lose sometime.
Can I borrow another 20? Miss me, sugar top? Notice I was gone, bubble butt? Here, blow on the dice, baby.
Let's shake the joint up.
Are you winning? Winning? Yes.
Big winning.
Big, big winning.
Yay, Dan! Yo, 11! Ooh! Happy days! You guys are making me sick.
Let's go to a show.
It's just you and me tonight.
They want to be alone.
For what? Oh, I get it.
You want to get us some wedding gifts.
Have fun.
Let's go, honey.
Four! Four points, four! Dan.
Just give me one second, honey.
O.
k.
Oh! Incredible! Dan.
What, what, what? We had a date.
Now? Yeah, now.
Rosie, I'm hot.
So am I.
Rosie, come on.
I'm having a real good time here.
Oh, what, like you wouldn't have a good time With me alone up in the room? Whoo! Ohh! If you want to, go back to the casino.
Let's just do what we came up here to do.
Oh, you sweet talker, you.
You got your stuff all over the place.
Where am I supposed to put my stuff, on the floor? Yeah.
Pretend like you're home.
Honey, there's something wrong with the towel racks.
Look.
They got fresh, clean towels hanging all over them.
We could have this very same argument Back in Lanford.
You're the one that dragged us here.
When I started having fun, you dragged me away from it.
Hey, we had a date.
Excuse me.
I thought I was more important than that stupid game.
You are, but waiting wouldn't kill you.
We came here to spend time together.
We haven't had five minutes alone since we got here! Well, now we're alone.
I, for one, am having a great time.
You know, Dan, we should have took separate vacations.
I go to Vegas, And you go to hell.