Seinfeld s04e07 Episode Script

Ever called someone and were disappointed when they answered? You wanted the machine.
You're always thrown off.
You go, "Oh, l I didn't know you were there.
I just wanted to leave a message saying, 'Sorry I missed you.
"' So here's two people who hate each other, don't really ever wanna talk but the phone machine is like this relationship respirator keeping these marginal, brain-dead relationships alive.
We do it so when we come home, you can see the little flashing red light.
You go, "All right, messages.
" You see, people need that.
It's very important for human beings to feel popular and well-liked amongst a large group of people we don't care for.
Well, this is it.
Oh, this is nice.
- Thanks again for the Chinese food.
- Oh, you're welcome.
- I think I ate too much of that garlic.
- Me too.
I ate the whole plate.
I didn't know.
I thought they were peanuts.
You know what, I think Naked Gun is on.
Oh, I've seen it.
I laughed through that whole thing.
Wanna watch? No.
- I mean, I don't think so.
- I thought you liked to laugh.
I thought you were happy-go-lucky.
No, no.
I'm not happy, I'm not lucky, and I don't go.
If anything, I'm sad-stop-unlucky.
That's not funny, Naomi.
I didn't mean to be funny there.
Why don't you check the TV Guide? I think Holocaust is on.
Jerry, it's George.
You all set for the weekend? This is gonna be great.
You'll have a great time with Naomi.
All right, she's got that laugh.
What'd you say, it's like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer? I was thinking we'd take two cars up to the cabin.
That way, you know, if one of us wanted to stay This thing has never worked right.
You think I laugh like Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer? Well, first of all, Elmer Fudd is one of the most beloved internationally known cartoon characters of all time.
"I'm gonna kill that cwazy wabbit.
" Come on! Not only that, a juicer is one of the healthiest ways It makes juice, it extracts the pulp and And then the vitamins.
For long life and vitality.
How could you leave a message like that? How could you play it to just anyone? I didn't think you'd leave it.
- I didn't think you'd play it.
- Now she's not coming this weekend.
What do you mean, not going? We got plans.
Call her up.
Ah, it's better anyway.
I mean, really.
What was gonna happen? I'm a comedian.
How can I go out with a girl with a laugh like that? It's like Coco Chanel going out with a fishmonger.
You know, she's with all the perfumes, and a fishmonger's a pretty bad smell.
Well, maybe you should ask Elaine.
But if I ask Elaine, Kramer will feel slighted.
Oh, no, no.
Don't say anything to Kramer.
Susan can't stand him.
He vomited all over her.
Wait a minute.
Do you smell smoke? - Ah, Kramer.
- Hello, boys.
Top of the morning to you.
What do you say? What do you be? Put that thing out before you start another fire.
You had to give him cigars.
So, what are you guys doing this weekend? - Ah, we're - Because I'm gonna be playing golf at the Westchester Country Club.
Westchester? Isn't that a private club? That's right, buddy.
It's private.
It's very private.
I met the pro at the golf shop up on and he invites me for a free round.
Then he says, anytime I lay one of these on him, it'll be the same deal.
- Wow.
- Isn't that beautiful? Man, I'm gonna be hitting the links all weekend.
- Gee, that's That's too bad.
- Yeah.
Too bad.
- Why? What? What? - Because we were just saying we were gonna ask you to the country.
Susan's father has a cabin up there, but all right.
They got any golf courses up there? No, no, no.
- No, no, that's pie country.
- Yeah.
Yeah, they do a lot of baking up there.
They sell them by the road.
Blueberry, blackberry.
- Blackberry, boysenberry.
- Boysenberry, huckleberry.
- Raspberry, strawberry.
- Strawberry, cranberry.
Peach.
- I don't know.
- Come on, I don't wanna tag along with George and Susan.
With you, it's a better group.
- What's that? - Oh, it's an autographed picture for my dry cleaner.
I never know what to write on these things.
I hate doing this.
"I'm very impressed"? You mean "pressed" because it's a dry cleaner? Yeah, see? That's why I hate it.
So come on, you wanna go? Well, what about the sleeping arrangements in the cabin? Well Same bed, and underwear and a T-shirt.
- What about me? - Well, you'd be naked, of course.
- Excuse me.
Jerry Seinfeld? - Yeah.
My names Sanger, Mel Sanger.
I drive that truck out there.
- The Yoo-hoo? - Yeah.
- I love Yoo-hoo.
- Yes, it's a fine product.
I saw you on The Tonight Show a couple of weeks ago.
I was watching the show with my son Donald.
He's got this rare immune deficiency in his blood.
The damnedest thing.
Doctors say he has to live in a plastic bubble.
Can you imagine that? A bubble.
- A bubble? - A bubble? Yes, a bubble.
- Do you mind? May I? - Oh, sure.
It'd break your heart seeing him in there.
He's like a prisoner.
No friends.
Just his mother and me.
And I'm out there six days a week hauling Yoo-hoo.
We have sacrificed everything, all for the sake of our little bubble boy.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, here.
Excuse me.
Anyway, we were watching you on TV You get in the bubble with him? No.
He can see through the bubble, it's plastic.
- Oh, I thought it was like an igloo.
- No.
It's clear.
Who has the remote? He does.
The remote goes through the bubble? Yeah.
He's in the bubble with the remote.
So you have no control over the remote? No.
It's frustrating.
Yeah.
Of course.
Yeah.
So anyway, you're his favorite comedian.
He laughed so hard the other night we had to give him an extra shot of hemoglobin.
That's nice.
Tomorrow is his birthday.
And it would mean so much to him if you could find it in your heart to pay him a visit and just say hello.
- Oh, well, tomorrow, l Jerry.
Of course he'd pay him a visit.
You'd be happy to.
Yeah.
Okay Tomorrow.
Where do you live? Uptown? Up Westside? - No.
Upstate.
- Upstate.
He's a bubble boy! - A bubble boy? - Yes, a bubble boy.
- What's a bubble boy? - He lives in a bubble.
Boy.
What kind of a bubble, like an igloo? No, that's what I thought.
It's a piece of plastic dividing the room.
What kind of plastic do you think it is? Like that dry-cleaning plastic? That's no good.
He wouldn't last 10 minutes in there.
What can I do? I promised I'd go visit him tomorrow.
It's his birthday.
I can't go to the cabin.
- Well, where does he live? - I don't know.
Upstate.
Fall-something.
Wait a minute.
This is right on the way to the cabin.
Oh, all right.
Beautiful.
So you stop in, visit the bubble boy for 20 minutes then we can go.
- You think so? I know exactly where this is.
You can just follow us.
Oh, great.
Okay, we're going away.
- I think I'm excited.
- I'm excited.
Oh, you're gonna love this cabin.
My grandfather built it in 1947.
- It's incredible.
- There you go.
It's a '47 cabin.
- So we'll see you tomorrow.
- Okay.
Well, hey.
Very nice.
Very nice.
- Well, I'm off to the links.
- Yeah.
I wanna thank you for the invite upstate.
I'm sorry I can't make it.
- The what? - Nothing.
Let's get going.
Come on.
- Did you? - No, no, we'll talk about it later.
Is that one of the cigars my father gave you? Hey, what's with George and Susan? Does he actually like her? I don't know if he likes her as much as he likes it.
Oh, that's nice.
What's he doing? What is his hurry? Oh, you know George.
He's gotta make "good time.
" He once went from West 81 st St.
to Kennedy airport in 25 minutes.
I never heard the end of it.
Look at him.
Would you stop that, please? Just stop that.
- Why? - Knock it off.
You're distracting me.
We're making incredible time here.
I once made it to Kennedy airport from West 81 St.
in 15 minutes.
Oh, here.
Hold this.
It's $ 10 for the tolls.
What's he doing? Is he out of his mind? Do you see him? I don't even see him anymore.
Where is he? - Isn't that blue car him? - No, no, that's not him.
What happened to him? I can't believe it.
I lost him.
That stupid idiot.
- Now what are we gonna do? - It's no big deal, Jerry.
We'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house.
I don't even know where the bubble boy lives.
I don't even remember the name of the town.
- You don't have the directions? - No, I was following him! How could you not take the directions? Because he's my directions.
I don't see them, George.
You make plans, then he goes 100 miles an hour the weekend's over just like that.
Poor little bubble boy.
He's sitting there waiting for you in his bubble or igloo thing, whatever.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know where I am.
Just get off at this exit.
We'll figure something out.
We lost them.
Do you know that? We lost them.
Well, it's not my fault.
Seinfeld can't drive.
How hard is it to follow somebody? Well, now what are you gonna do? It's fine.
We'll just meet him at the bubble boy's house.
Does he have the address? Yeah.
Leave a message, I'll call you back.
Thanks.
Hi, Jerry.
It's Naomi.
Listen, if it's not too late, I changed my mind.
- I'd like to go to the cabin.
- Wait.
Wait.
Yeah, hello.
Hi.
This is Kramer.
Yeah.
I'm the next-door neighbor.
You know, Jerry's left, but listen, you see, my golf game got canceled.
I'm thinking of going up myself.
They got pies, and I got the directions right here.
I drive all the way to the country club and then I find out there's a tournament going on.
- You mind if I smoke? - No.
These are Cubans.
I don't know if this is the house.
I don't see Jerry's car anywhere.
Would you stop it? Would you quit it, please? Someone is gonna see us here.
So what? You are such a prude.
Hey.
I am not a prude, sweetheart.
I swing with the best of them.
- Come on, let's go in.
- What? We should tell them what happened.
They might be very late if they make it all.
- I can't go in there.
I can't face the bubble boy.
- What's the matter? - I don't react well to these situations.
My grandmother died two months early from how I reacted in the hospital.
She was getting better.
Then I paid her a visit.
She saw my face, boom.
That was the end of her.
- We're going in.
- Wait, please - Come on, George.
George, stop.
- Would you wait one moment I can't believe a little thing like George speeding and my whole weekend is gone.
The plans, the packing.
Everything.
Your whole weekend? What about the bubble boy? Why do you keep bringing up the bubble boy? You don't have to mention him.
I know about the bubble boy.
I'm aware of the bubble boy.
Why do you keep reminding me about the bubble boy? I'll have a cup of coffee and a turkey club.
- How about you? - I'll just have a glass of water.
You can't just have water.
Why not? That's all I want.
This isn't a park bench where you come in and sit down.
It's a business.
Hold it a second.
Don't you play on TV? - Oh, no.
- Yes.
Yes, you saw him on TV.
- What's your name? - Jerry Seinfeld.
- Elaine - Gary Seinfield.
- I saw you on The Tonight Show.
- Right.
Wouldn't you like an autographed picture? I don't have any more pictures, Elaine.
He's lying.
They're in the trunk.
- Now you get to sign another one.
- I'm not lying.
Yeah.
Yeah, he is.
She'll have a cup of coffee and a broiled chicken.
See, it's not really a bubble.
A lot of people think it's an igloo, but it's really just a plastic divider.
Can you go in the bubble? Well, you have to put so many things on because of the germs.
The gloves, the mask, it's a whole production.
So then he makes his own bed? Well, that's one of the things we fight about.
Would you like to meet him? - Ah, well, you know - Oh, he loves games.
Maybe you could play Trivial Pursuit with him.
Hey, Ma! What the hell do I gotta do to get some food around here? I'm starving.
And if it's peanut butter, I'm gonna shove it in your face! - One picture left in the trunk.
- Thanks.
This is fun.
Yeah, this turned out to be a great weekend.
Where's my water? Oh, it's coming.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
What'd you write? "Nothing's finer than being in your diner.
" There is "nothing finer than being in your diner"? - No good? - This is what you came up with? Well? That is so lame, Jerry.
People will be reading that for the next 20 years and laughing at you.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Would you mind? I'd like the picture back.
- Why? - I'm not happy with what I wrote.
- It's good.
I like it.
- No, believe me, it's not good.
I'll mail you one with something really funny.
Well, when you mail me a new one, I'll send you back this one.
You don't understand.
I want the picture.
Right.
This is Donald.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Who are you? - Where's Seinfeld? - He's on his way.
These are his friends.
What are you looking at? Never seen a kid in a bubble before? Of course I have.
Come on.
My cousin's in a bubble.
My friend Jeffrey's sister also, bubble, you know I got a lot of bubble experience.
Come on.
- What's your story? - I have no story.
She works for NBC.
How about taking your top off? Donald, behave yourself.
Come on.
I know, I know.
Why don't you play a game of Trivial Pursuit? Ah, you know, we gotta be running What, are you afraid? - No.
You see, it's - I'm gonna kick your ass.
I was nice enough to give you the picture.
I don't like what I wrote.
I don't want it up there.
Please just give it back.
You are really starting to get under my skin.
- I want that picture.
- Well, you can't have it.
In fact, maybe you better just pay your check, and get out.
I'm not paying until I get that back.
Well, you ain't getting it back.
Well, maybe I'll just take it back.
This chicken is really good.
Okay, history.
This is for the game.
How you doing over there? Not too good.
All right, bubble boy.
Let's just play.
"Who invaded Spain in the eighth century?" That's a joke.
The Moors.
Oh, no.
I'm so sorry.
It's the "Moops.
" The correct answer is the Moops.
Moops? Let me see that.
That's not Moops, you jerk.
It's Moors.
It's a misprint.
I'm sorry.
The card says Moops.
It doesn't matter.
It's Moors.
There's no Moops.
- It's Moops.
- Moors.
- Moops.
- Moors! Hey! Anybody home? - Oh, boy.
- What should we do? Hold these pies.
Okay.
Help.
Someone - There's no Moops, you idiot! - Stop it! Let go of him.
Donald.
Stop it.
Now, let go of him, Donald.
- I'm gonna kill him.
- He's choking me.
- Donald.
Stop.
- Moors! Say Moors! Moops.
Moops.
Donald, stop it.
What are you doing? You're choking me.
Elaine! - Are you gonna pay today? - No, I want that picture back! Something's happened to the bubble boy! - They're rushing him to hospital.
- What? The bubble boy? He lives around here? That's his house, down the road.
He got in a fight with some guy.
Who kind of a person would hurt the bubble boy? Some little bald guy from the city.
Come on, Vern.
Page, Preston, don't you think we ought to do something? Naomi, come on, let's get going.
But that lake must be freezing.
No, it's good for you.
Retards the aging process.
Ready to go swimming? Let's go.
Okay.
Jerry, what happened to you? What happened to you? You were going 100 miles an hour.
I was not.
Bubble boy tried to kill me.
- What? - Susan, tell them.
It's a long story.
- Hey, Seinfeld.
- Hey, happy birthday.
Thanks for showing up.
- You know, your friend tried to kill me.
- He's a lying snot.
He's a cheater, aren't you, little twerp? - Moors! - Moops! - Moors! - Moops! There's the guy who tried to kill the bubble boy.
Get him! Fire engines.
Must be a big one.
Do you smell something? - Yeah.
- Smoke.
Yeah.
Definite smoke.
Look, it's a fire! Holy cow, look at that! - It's my father's cabin! - The cabin is on fire.
I just realized, you never gave me back the change from the tolls.
How could this have happened? Oh, my God.
The cabin.
What are you two doing here? Look at that.
Hey, you didn't: My Cubans.
Something very scary and exciting about fire.
People always run to see a fire.
They're very proud if they have a fireplace.
I think that's what smoking is really all about.
That's the power of smoking.
It's just this thing: "I got fire right here in my hand.
Smoke and fire is literally coming right out of my mouth.
" And it's very intimidating to the nonsmoker.
It's like talking to someone going: "My head could open up.
Lava could explode out.
Pour right down my face.
Doesn't bother me a bit.
" And a cigar is even worse.
I mean, a cigar is like: You think this end is bad.
Look at this wet, disgusting nub, huh? How scary is that?