South Park s04e07 Episode Script

comedy central ? I'm going down to south park? ? Gonna have myself a time? ? Friendly faces everywhere? ? Humble folks without temptation? ? Going down to south park? ? Gonna leave my woes behind? ? Ample parking day or night? ? People spouting "howdy neighbor"? ? Headed on up to south park? ? Gonna see if i can't unwind? ? So come on down to south park? ? And meet some friends of mine? Gentlemen, i understand you are here to present both sides of an issue.
I want to hear you both out, And do this in a civil and constructive manner, So that i can give you both the time and attention you deserve.
Jimbo, why don't you begin? Mayor, it's about the south park flag.
Oh, jesus christ, not this again.
We cannot change the south park flag, mayor! Mayor, as i've said before I find that flag to be racist and insensitive.
Chef, i respect you very much.
But you have to understand that this hasbeen The south park flag since some of our ancestors, Like my great-Grandfather, founded this land.
That flag represents a time When blacks were persecuted by whites.
How can a black man not be bothered by it? Alright, chef, i'll have my assistants hold up the flag, And you tell me what exactly you find racist about it.
You don't see anything wrong with that flag! Chef, what about the baseball team, the cleveland indians, huh? Should they change their name because it's racist? Yeah.
No, because it's their history! Look, i have gone through every quiet protest i could.
I've written everyone, i've put up signs.
But now i'm telling you, this flag will be changed! And i'm telling you it won't! Oh boy.
Okay, children, in mr.
Garrison's absence, I would like to turn the class's attention to current issues.
Some people think the south park flag should be changed, While others believe that changing the flag is wrong.
I think this is a perfect subject for your debate club! Aw! Aw! I see that you've already had a lot of interesting debates this year Pro-Choice vs.
Cartman, pro-Gun control vs.
Cartman, And people against the clubbing of baby seals vs.
Cartman.
And apparently, the winner of all your debates so far Has been- Cartman.
Thaaaaat's right! Cartman doesn't always win! He just gets pissed off and goes home, so we can't debate any more! Yeah! Yeah! Nu-Uh, i'm just a better debater than you guys! You don't even know what you're debating about half the time! Yes, i do! No, you don't! Oh yeah? Well, screw you guys, i'm going home! Told ya.
Alright, children, well unlike mr.
Garrison, I want you all to go out and research this debate beforewe pick teams.
Tomorrow you will need to choose which side Of this poignant debate you are on.
This is about history, kids! If you don't have respect for your past, Then you can never expect to- Bird! Then you can never expect to have a future.
Nowadays, everyone wants to change mascots and flags Because they're not "politically correct", But where does it end? I mean, people are gonna start saying That the denver broncos are offensive to horses! And then we'll have to- Squirrel! And then we'll have to change everything And pretty soon, all our history will be forgotten.
But toreallyunderstand the south park flag's importance, You need to know about south park's history.
Ned here is a big history buff, And he can tell you the whole story, ned? In 1867, 14 pioneers from the east coast Travelled across the plains- Uh, that's okay, dude, i think we got it.
Yeah, we got it.
You sure? Yep.
You boys go make me proud now, And win that debate- Chris peterson! Aaaghgh! Aw, dammit, we missed him again! Sign up to join me As i march into the mayor's office In protest of the south park flag! You see that, children? Nobody wants to get involved.
Randy, sign up to march with me Against the south park flag on wednesday? Ooh, look, chef, you know i'm not a racist, but, ah I just don't really feel strongly one way or another about the flag.
Well, alright, marsh, you're entitled to your own opinion.
That's how it is in this town.
I haven't gotten one signature on this damn sheet And i've been here all day! We'll march with you, chef.
That's nice, but i need the support of some registered voters! Hey mackey, sign up to march on wednesday? Ooh, wednesday? Wednesday's tough.
I guess maybe i could do something thursday afternoon.
Alright, fudge it, thursday! Anyone else wanna go thursday? Thursday's no good, we've got choir council.
Oh yeah.
What about next sunday? Fine! Next sunday! You mean during the ball game? Yeah, we can't do sunday.
Monday? Ooh, i can't do monday.
I could do tuesday.
Yeah, tuesday morning's good.
You know what would be better for me is saturday afternoon.
Saturday is perfect for me! Yeah, how about saturday at 11:30? Yeah.
Sounds good.
Okay.
Yeah, i think that's the best day.
Okay, on saturday we march! Ooh, march? What are we marching for? To bring down the south park flag! Oooh! See you later.
Marching's not for me.
Well, i've counted all your secret ballots, children And it looks like about half of you think the flag should stay, And half think the flag should be changed.
How could any of you think that flag should stay the way it is! Save it for the debate, wendy! Now, i'm going to assign the debate leaders.
Who wants to lead the "flag should stay the way it is" team? Me, me! Me, me! Stan, how could you be so insensitive? What, dude? I don't see anything wrong with that flag.
Yeah, me neither! Alright stan and kyle, you can both be the team leaders For the "flag should stay the way it is" team.
Now who wants to lead for the "flag should be changed" team? Heh-Heh-Heh.
Okay, wendy and eric can team up.
No! Heh-Heh-Heh.
Alright children, do your homework And let's get ready for a great debate! Hello, chef! Hello, chef! My name isn't "chef" anymore, children.
I've converted to islam.
Islam? From now on my name is "abdul mohammed jabar rauf kareem ali".
With everyone in town being so insensitive about the flag, I find it no longer fitting to use my slave name! Well, we need help with our debate club.
We have to explain why we think the flag should not be changed.
You what? You don't think they should change the flag? Not really.
What the big deal is.
Well that figures you don't.
Because your cracker-Ass parents Turned you into little cracker-Ass cracker-Racists! I never thought i'd live to see this many of the people i considered friends Turn against me! But chef, we don't know what you're talking about- But nothin'! But my ass! Fix your own damn food! Okay, now, in order for us to win the debate to change the south park flag, We will need to do a lot of research.
Now, my plan is to divide up into three research teams.
We will present our argument based on- It's okay, i'm here! Nice of you to show up.
We were just discussing how we should state our case.
Yes, this is a difficult case.
In order to win the debate We'll need to attack stan and kyle's credibility.
What? That's how you win these things! Butters, take some kids and go dig up whatever dirt you can on kyle's past.
I'm talking "boobie" magazines, whatever.
Wu-Okay! The rest of you, get us the goods on stan.
His mom grounded him once for setting something on fire, Let's find out what that something was- And then lie and say it was a puppy! Right! Mmm! Cartman, we can't just attack stan and kyle's credibility! We need to present our side of the debate! You're right, we'll need to look like we've prepared a case too, So that they look all the weaker, good plan.
So what's the issue again? The south park flag! Interesting and what side are we on? Aaaghgh! Whoa, calm down, ho! Tom, i'm standing out front of the south park mayor's office, Where both sides of this debate have gathered.
Change the flag! Don't change history! Oh brother, what now? Earlier today, the south park townspeople voiced their opinions Well, i think that the flag is racist.
But then again, it is a part of our history.
Well, i guess the flag is a part of history, But i can see how it is racist.
I think it is history, I think it is racist.
Well, one thing's for sure, tensions are high And pressure is mounting on the south park mayor to do something.
In the 1960s, there was a monk who set himself on fire to protest! You have left me no choice! To protest your lack of humanity, I will now do the same thing! White power! White power! White power! What's this? Ah, tom it looks as if the kkk has shown up to voice their opinion! Hello, brother, we are here to support your noble cause! Huh? Hey now we don't want your support.
We're not racists, this is about history.
Yeah! Well, whether you want our support or not, we're on your side! White power! White power! White power! Mr.
Garrison, you're a klan member? No, no, but mr.
Hat is.
White power! White power! Ugh, you're such a racist bastard, mr.
Hat! White power! Change the flag! Don't change history! Oh jesus, what a mess.
Chef, we realize that you find the south park flag racist, And we certainly understand your case.
We have been working diligently on this problem, Put in a lot of hours and we have finally altered the flag In a way that we think will make you very happy.
Gentlemen? There, is that better? No, dammit! No, but look, he's got a little smile now.
See? He's happy, much better, don't you think? Well, some people just won't work with you at all! This is getting out of hand, How do i absolve myself of any responsibility with this? Mayor, the south park elementary children Are discussing the flag issue in their debate club on friday.
We could use the debate as an excuse to hold a vote on the issue.
Yes, of course! Let the children be responsible! Everybody loves children! Tell the press! South park elementary will be holding a vote on friday! This might come in handy.
It says here that recently a case was brought before The south carolina courts about their flag.
I warn you, bog monster.
Do not mock captain candycorn! Oh yeah? How'd you like i should kick you in the nuts? If we could show a parallel between the south carolina case Oomf! Oh yeah? I'll kick you in the nuts! Oomf! I'll kick you in the nuts! I'll kick you in the nuts! Cartman, why don't you just go home? You aren't helping any! You won't let me help! That's because you're stupid and you're a racist.
Touche, but dude, you might as well let me help you, We're in this together.
I mean, just tell me what to do and i'll do it.
Wendy, let cartman help, seriously.
Wendy, seriously, the bog monster speaketh.
Okay, so since my dad's a lawyer, He says we can use any of his books we want, who wants to read them? Come on, you guys, we all have to work on this! Kenny, how many of my dad's mints are you gonna eat, jesus? Mph rmph rm rmph rm! I know your family's poor, But you can't just eat an entire bowl of mints for dinner! Mprh you.
I don't think we stand a chance in this debate Because wendy's leading the other side.
Dude, you're just saying that 'cause she's your girlfriend.
Mprm rmph rm rmph rm? Yeah you can have a drink of water, the dispenser's over there.
Yeah, you must be thirsty after eating sixty mints! Hey boys, how's the research coming? Pretty good, i guess.
Do you think they should change the flag? Oh, uh, i don't know.
Kenny ate all the mints, dad.
Oh, those weren't mints, they were antacid tablets.
Oh.
Kenny! Kenny! Kenny! That was a good one! White power! White power! Do not change the flag, it is a symbol of white power! White power! Ugh, i'm sorry, chef.
Mr.
Hat is a racist son-Of-A-Bitch.
Don't apologize for me to that spearchucker! Wagh! How can you all just stand by and let these racists do this? Well, chef, it's freedom of speech.
We don't like it, but we can't arrest them for talking.
Should the klan be allowed to rally on the steps of the capitol? Here's what some people think.
Well, i think they are racist, But i do think freedom of speech is important.
Well i for one, believe in freedom of speech, But then again, i think they are racists I believe that they are racists, but i do believe in- Aw, to hell with all of you indecisive bastards! On friday, south park elementary will present a debate And after the debate, there will finally be a vote.
Preliminary polls show 3 in favor of changing the flag, and 4,382 undecided.
So the pressure is on those south park kids! Well, that's enough rallying for this afternoon, members! Let's take a hot shower.
Hot shower! Hot shower! Hot shower! Ned, nobody's gonna vote for our side If it's the side those kkk members are on! Come on, we gotta put a stop to them! I can't believe it, all the pressure's on us.
I mean, this debate is going to actually affect the outcome of the vote! Uh-Huh.
Oh man, we've got to come up with rebuttals to the history argument.
Why don't we just talk huh? About the swastika? I mean, germany was united under the swastika, right? But obviously, history wasn't as important As changing their views after the war and stuff, so they changed it.
Hey, that's a pretty good point, cartman.
Yeah! Not bad at all, i'm gonna make that our first argument! Cool.
Doublestuff cookies are my favorite! Really? Mine too! What i really like to do Is i like to take tops off of two cookies, And then put them together and make quadruple stuffs! Hey, that's what i always to do too! No way! Yeah! Jesus, i never thought i'd have any thing in common with you, cartman.
Me neither! Ha-Ha.
Huh.
Well, anyway, let's get back to work.
Whoa.
Weird, um, okay.
Now let's say that first we talk about the history of the flag.
We can show that the- Sorry, go ahead.
No, you go ahead.
Mr.
Hat, what do you think you're doing? There's another klan rally tonight.
I have to be there in fifteen minutes.
Oh no, mr.
Hat, you are not dragging me to another klan meeting.
But they're electing a new assistant to the grand dragon.
I might get elected! Well, good for you, puppet pants! I'll have nothing to do with it! I'm going whether you like it or not! Oh yeah? I'm not going, mr.
Hat, and that's final.
Let's just see you try and go without me! Mr.
Hat! White power! White power! White power! Alright, ned, we've got to be careful.
These are mean, evil men we are dealing with.
Okay.
Dammit, ned, doesn't that thing have a volume control? No.
White power! White power! Good evening, brothers! Our first order of business tonight Is to have brother anderson update us on last week's minutes.
Last week we decided that we hate blacks and jews.
Alright, and now, it is time for us all to come together and Do our cake raffle! Ooh! Cake raffle! This week's winner is I won! I won! I won the cake! Good job, brother! Cartman! Say it will be like this forever.
Okay, it will be like this forever.
Oh, cartman.
Agh! Brrrrrrrr! What's wrong with me? It's okay, get a grip, girl.
Wendy! Wendy! Agh! Wendy.
Oh god, please don't let this be happening.
Alright, brothers, listen up! As you know, this fine city is holding a vote On whether or not to change their flag, But lynching minorities is history! So what are we gonna do about it? Let's say that if they change the flag, we'll burn down the capital! Yeah! Yeah! Let's say that if they change the flag, we'll never leave this town! Yeah! Yeah! Let's say they should change the flag! What's that, brother? I think we should switch sides! Me too, that's a good idea.
Look, we have to accept the fact That most people in the world hate us, right? Yeah.
Yeah.
So whatever side we're on, Is the side that's gonna lose, right? Right.
Right.
So why don't we all say that we want the flag changed.
That way, most folks will vote to keep it the way it is! Great idea, brother! Yeah! Yeah! Alright, it is decided! We will officially tell everyone that we want the flag changed, So that they will all vote against us! Hooray! We're smart! That worked perfectly, ned! Alright, well, now that all that's out of the way, It's time to play "who's got the silliest thing on under their robe?" Hooray! Woo-Hoo! Jesus, ned, these guys are completely nuts.
Yup.
That is the most insane thing i've ever seen.
I can't believe those people are on our side.
I mean, is our side that crazy? Oh, hello, chef, big debate tomorrow, i guess.
Oh jesus, the robes! Chef, this isn't what it looks like! You gotta listen to us- I ain't gonna listen to nothing! This whole cracker-Ass town can kiss my ass! Ned, i'm startin' to think maybe history ain't worth defending sometimes.
Thanks for coming over, bebe.
I have something to tell you.
Sure, what? Bebe, i'm attracted to cartman.
Aaaaaaagggghhhhhh! I know.
Why would you tell me this? Why would you tell anyone this? Because i don't know what to do! I can't concentrate and if i can't concentrate, Then i can't win the debate tomorrow! The whole vote is dependent on me doing a good job.
Alright, look, When two people work closely for a long time, Sometimes they feel what's called "sexual tension".
Sometimes you just have to act on the impulse and get it over with.
You mean, i should kiss him? Kiss him and get it out of your system.
Oh god! Well, i certainly would like to thank all the parents For their support of our debate club.
I realize that many of you are torn by the issues as well, So perhaps the children can shed some light on us! We'll start with wendy testaburger, On the "flag should be changed" team! The, the, uh The, uh The first argument we, uh Lemme start over.
The, uh oh god! Could you all excuse me for a moment? There, now, the main point we would like to make Is that oftentimes, it is prudent to change history.
As times change, we hope to grow, And as we grow, our rules must change, It is a natural part of evolution, thank you.
Okay, and kyle and stan's team, your main point? Our main point is that the flag shouldn't offend anyone Because killing has been around since the beginning of time.
All animals kill And the animals that don't kill are stupid ones, Like cows and turtles and stuff.
So, people should not be so upset about killing.
Thank you.
Woah, woah, woah! You just missed the point entirely! Huh? I'm not mad because the flag shows somebody getting killed, It's because it's racist! Racist? Racist? Children, don't you even know what this argument is about? That flag is racist because a black man is being hung by white people! Ooohhhh! Ooohhhh! Ooohhhh? We didn't really see it that way.
But that's a black man up there! Yeah, but the color of someone's skin doesn't matter.
Well, of course it matters when- Oh my god, wait a minute! You children didn't even see the flag As a black man being hanged by white people, did you? No.
No.
Why that is That is the most beautiful thing i've ever heard.
What? What? Don't you see? All this time i thought these little crackers had turned racist, When actually, they were sonotracist That they didn't even make a separation of black and white to begin with.
All they saw when they looked at that flag Was five people.
Aw! Yeah.
I'm sorry, children, i was wrong about you.
But i still think the flag needs to be changed.
But now i realize that i almost let racism Turn me into a racist.
Yeah, you know, i suddenly found myself on the side of klan members.
I've never had anything against blacks, chef.
Aw, i know you don't, jimbo.
I've known you for almost ten years.
You're a good man.
We've been way to divisive over this, chef.
Maybe we can come up with a compromise flag.
Something that everybody can be happy with.
I think that's a much better start than me trying to separate myself From all you wonderful crackers! Oh, sweet, dude, i don't think we have to do this stupid debate now! Stan? Well, this has been an interesting week in south park.
We've all done a lot of growing this week.
Everyone was afraid to take a stand on this issue.
But now we have learned once again That black, white, yellow, brown or whatever, we are all just people.
And so, i am very excited to unveil Our new south park flag! Wait, i don't get it.
No, see, there's people of all colors.
And they added a black guy as one of the hangers too, so it's not racist.
Hooray! I have to admit it, that is a lot nicer.
Whew! I'm sure glad that's over with! Me too! I can't believe how right bebe was about feeling under pressure with somebody.
As soon as it was over, all my feelings for you just vanished! Oh, yeah, yeah totally.
I'm totally back to normal, see ya later! Yeah, see ya later.
"Ho", huh-Huh.
Ha-Ha! Stan! Stan wait up! comedy central Captioned by soundwriters™