The Middle s04e07 Episode Script
The Safe
Out here in the Middle, if you're a sports star, the world is your oyster.
Unless your sister runs over your foot, and then you'd better have something to fall back on.
For Axl, it was the couch.
This is not fair! Not awesome things are not supposed to happen to me.
Not awesome things are supposed to happen to other people.
Can I get you a sandwich or something? It hurts my foot to eat sandwiches.
I just want to be left alone.
Stupid Sue.
Axl had pretty much forgiven Sue for breaking his foot.
But now and then, his anger bubbled up.
Aah! I didn't even think my bones could break, they're so strong and thick.
God! I drink so much milk! I'm suing milk! You know, as long as you're lying there anyway, maybe you could do a little homework? Oh, my God.
You are the worst comforter ever.
Wait.
What is this? Why are you both sitting down and looking at me? Well, your mom and I were talking, and in light of your current foot situation, it might not be a bad idea to stay on top of the grades thing.
What? Southern's already revoked their scholarship offer, Axl, and East Indy's being pretty quiet.
I'm just saying we don't exactly know where they're at anymore, and we still gotta think about getting you into college.
Oh, my God.
I'm healing.
Look, we're just saying, if the scholarship situation is not the lock we thought it was gonna be, we might have to examine the possibility of a plan B.
So what would that be? Well, that you'd get into college on your own academic merit.
That's your plan B? That's all you got?! I wanna hear another plan B! I wanna hear the plan B that involves you doing something! Hey.
We did do something.
We checked into it, and the school has tutors that can help you.
And now that you won't have practice, you can use that time to study and get your grades up.
Let me get this straight-- you have no faith in my bone mending powers, I might not be getting a free ride to college, and instead of sailing through my senior year doing nothing but partying and ruling the school as is my God-given right you're saying I have to study more?! Well, it's not really possible for you to study less.
You're dead! You are so dead! Oh.
Oh! I'm too depressed to get up.
Well, Axl wasn't the only one who was gonna have to start studying.
'Cause the next day was my first day of dental assisting school.
Yep, I was back to school for the first time in over 20 years.
Oh, Mike, take a picture of me with my lunch like we always said we were gonna do with the kids on their first day of school but never did.
Battery's dead.
It's doing it again.
Do we need a plumber? Oh, definitely.
And a roof guy and a mold guy and a bug guy.
But instead, we're paying tuition, and it's all gonna be worth it, right, Frankie? Mike, this is not just my second act.
It's all of ours.
The Hecks are taking risks.
Yeah.
We're on the comeback trail.
Well, four days, and my hair is still syrupy.
But it's okay.
I deserve it.
I should bear the physical scars of what I've done.
And bright side, it smells pretty nice.
Except bees chase me.
All right.
I'm shutting off the water.
If anybody has to go, now would be the time.
Wait.
I have to go again.
No, I'm all right.
Well, maybe I do.
Hang on.
No.
Okay.
I'm good.
Don't forget I have social skills after school.
We're working on planning ahead.
I was supposed to tell you two weeks ago.
And you're in charge of bringing a healthy snack.
Now? Now you're telling me this? This is not a good time, Brick.
- I gotta get to school.
- I'll do it.
I will so do it.
I want to make up for running over Axl's foot and ruining everybody's lives.
Okay.
Here's 40 bucks.
Now the snacks aren't gonna cost that much, so bring back change.
And peanut M&Ms don't count as a healthy snack.
Learned that one the hard way.
This isn't about handing out certificates and sending you on your way.
This is about changing lives one tooth at a time.
Now I'm going to be talking about this-- Hi.
Oh, sorry.
Hi.
Frankie Heck.
I am so sorry.
I was a little nervous.
First day, you know, and my husband turned off the water, so I had to stop at the karate place to go Well, that was too much information.
Well, you are one brave puppy coming into my class late, Frankie Heck.
As the rest of your classmates already know, I'm Sandy Armwood, a thorough dental educator, according to a recent Yelp review.
Now dental assisting is not pretty.
There is going to be spit.
There's going to be blood.
There's going to be serious gag reflexes.
If you don't think you're up for it, if it scares you people, there's the door.
I'm not scared.
I'm a mom! All right, then, let's get out our notebooks.
Because it is my honor-- no, it is my duty, to share my knowledge with you.
I'll start by introducing you to the maxillary and mandibular arches.
This is good.
I bought healthy snacks, I picked you up from school I think I'll make a pretty great mom someday.
Aah! Hey, Brick! Look, a garage sale! Let's check it out.
Oh my God.
I saw something exactly like this on Antiques Roadshow.
You know, they appraised it for a ton of money.
Hmm, I don't know.
It looks like it could be a cheap copy.
On American Pickers, I saw someone just throw one of those away.
You know, we still have $20 left from the money mom gave me for snacks.
If this is worth something, and we can flip it like on House Flippers, Miami, we can bring her back even more money.
Mom's not working, so we gotta help out any way we can.
True.
I mean, how could we, in good conscience, not do it? I think we have a real opportunity here.
I mean, clearly, this lady can't tell things of value from junk.
I learned that one from watching Hoarders.
The thing I learned from watching Hoarders is that it does not usually end well for the cats.
So while Sue was in heaven at the garage sale, Axl was in hell, otherwise known as tutor signups.
Hey.
No cuts.
You're behind my backpack.
It's holding my place.
Sorry.
There's no holding places.
Well, put it back.
It's my helper backpack.
I'm very injured.
No, you're not.
You're just lazy.
I saw you vault over two trash cans on your way in here.
Are you saying I'm faking? This is real.
I might be out for the whole rest of the football season.
Everyone's freaking out.
Oh, yeah.
Me, too.
I'm just hiding it behind not caring at all.
Well I probably don't care about whatever it is you do, either, so Actually, I'm co-founder of the Green Club, photographer on the school paper Axl Heck? Your assigned tutor is Cassidy Finch.
Well, great.
I see you two have already started to get to know one another.
Oh.
And in my spare time, I tutor dumb jocks.
I'll give you 40 bucks.
- Really? - Yep.
Just give me one quick sec to confer with my associate.
- Oh, my God, that's so much money.
- Oh, my God! - I cannot believe it! Aah! - We flipped it! Okay.
Yes, I think that will do.
Sue! Hang on.
I saw this exact safe on Storage Wars.
And when they opened it up, there was a ton of money inside.
No, Brick.
We gotta quit while we're ahead, like the smart ones do on Deal Or No Deal.
Look, $40 isn't gonna change mom's life.
But $40,000 could.
There might be pirate doubloons in there.
What do you say, Sue? Do you wanna let it ride? Okay.
Let it ride! Okay, backpack boy.
Let's do this.
Yeah, before we dive in, I wanna be clear about my goals here.
All right, I don't want to get too smart, just smart enough to get into college.
I think we're safe there.
You ready to start? - Or do you need me to blow a whistle? - Wow.
You're making fun of me for being an awesome athlete.
Ouch.
No cracks about my thick, shiny hair, or I'll cry out of my piercing blue eyes.
Boy, you sure do love yourself some you, don't ya? Look, I'm not sure I get why you're hating on me so bad 'cause I play sports.
I don't think you realize what a public service we do for this school.
We're, like, totally responsible for, like, all the caring, and all the trophies, and all the coolness and stuff.
Oh, my God.
All the coolness and stuff is you? Thanks so much.
You always this much fun? I'll have fun next year at college, which you don't have a prayer of getting into unless you open that book.
So, what, are you already accepted into Harvard or something? Vassar, actually.
Vassar? It has "ass" in it.
Wow.
I feel sorry for you.
Your whole identity is this tiny locker room world you think you're king of.
And now you're injured and you're scared, so you're putting up an imperious facade and overcompensating for your insecurity.
Okay, if you're trying to insult me, you're gonna have to use smaller words.
After a day at school, I was beginning to understand Axl's love affair with our couch.
- What are you doing? - Shh! I saw this on Safe Crackers.
Did it work? I don't know.
After five minutes, I switched over to Whale Wars.
But I do feel fairly confident that I can commandeer a Japanese harpoon ship.
Sue and Brick were making as much progress with that safe as Axl was with his tutor.
So your score of 0 out of 20 on the quiz makes it pretty clear that you read nothing about the Bay Of Pigs invasion.
Well, in my defense, I was totally sitting down to read this, when the guys called me and invited me to the lake.
Everyone was there.
And PS-- awesomeness ensued.
Why didn't you go? See, this is why I hate high school.
All everyone does is go to lame parties.
And for your information, I had to study.
And so should you.
You have a test tomorrow.
No.
The teacher said yesterday it was the day after tomorrow.
Wow.
God does not give with both hands.
And that means what? It means attractive people are usually not that bright.
You think I'm attractive? I didn't mean it that way.
- Hmm.
- Okay, um, so where was I? The Bay Of Pigs.
Right.
It's important 'cause, um, it was a crucial moment in history.
I mean, those three days were fraught with confusion and tension.
JFK had only been in office a couple of months.
He barely knew what he was doing, and yet he knew he had to take bold action.
He deployed-- How you like high school now? Seriously? Oh, my God.
I have to go.
What? Oh you were vibing me all these signals, and you were saying how you never go to parties, and you were talking about tension and deployment and stuff.
What was I supposed to do? So I'd gotten off to a bad start with my teacher.
But if there's one thing I'd learned from working at Ehlert's, it was the fine art of sucking up.
Hi.
I know.
Late again.
What are the odds? But I made you some snickerdoodles.
Oh.
Look, everybody.
Gingivitis on a plate.
You know what those cookies tell me, Frankie? You do not respect the tooth.
Oh, I do.
I completely respect the tooth, so, so much.
Ah.
Well, good to hear it.
And since you're not in your seat, why don't you take this one right here? - Oh-- - Attagirl.
There we go.
Going down.
- Okay.
Well, you know what? - I think it would be better-- Wowzers! You have some seriously, seriously inflamed gums.
- Really? - I see you had a couple of those cookies in the car, too, huh? Everybody, gather around! This is an excellent example of the oral carelessness we've been discussing today.
Now I want everyone to reach in there and feel that frenum.
Uh, hold on a sec.
No.
Come on, come on, come on.
Go, go.
Really get in there.
Don't be shy.
Yep, there's no doubt about it-- I was miserable Axl was miserable Even the house was miserable.
You're only a few classes in, right? Is it too late to switch you to plumbing school? Hey, I swallowed someone's fake fingernail today.
This is really not the time.
Ugh! It's 10:00 and I still have Mom, you gotta help me study.
Here It's the constitutional amendments.
Just so you know, those are Roman numerals.
Turns out they're not just for Super Bowls.
Axl, I can't.
I have a huge anatomy test tomorrow.
Uh, hello! You're always telling me to ask you for help, and now I'm saying I need help, and you won't? - This is so typical.
- You don't understand.
My teacher's mean and she hates me.
That's what I tell you all the time! And you tell me, "I'm sure she has a good heart.
She's just trying to make you be your best.
" Ugh.
How do you live with me if I say things like that? Shut up, Frankie.
Look, we gotta get you into college, and you out of college and back into a job, so let's knock this out.
Okay, what are the mandibular incisors? Oh, my God.
I have no idea! That was for your mom.
Oh, crap.
I have no idea, either.
Pass.
What's the 12th amendment revise? Can I have the incisors question again? Seven layers of the tooth.
Go.
I don't know.
Oh, my God, what made me think I could do this? I'm too old.
My brain is mush.
It doesn't hold new thoughts anymore.
Hey.
Over here.
Oh, you have a headache, too? Will you two man up? I've had a headache for ten years.
You don't see me whining.
Let's just do this, and then you can go to bed.
Everybody's tired.
The only people getting any sleep in this house are Sue and Brick.
Ah.
Cheese grater.
I don't know.
I just don't know.
Let me just close my eyes for ten minutes, and I'll have the answer.
Come on, Frankie.
What's with you? Suck it up! I know you're tired, but you got a long way to go here.
I'm just so tired.
Wait, wait, wait.
Frankie, is this what you took? Yeah.
It's Tylenol PM.
PM-- that's why it's got the moon and the stars on it.
It's the kind that makes you go to sleep.
- What? - Oh, my God.
My mother drugged me? And I have a test tomorrow on I have no idea what I have a test tomorrow on.
Look, I'm all right, Mike.
Just ask Rascal his questions first, and I'll just rest my eyes.
Okay.
That was good.
Now let that sink in, and I'll let you rest a second.
Okay, Frankie, tell me what you know about root canals.
Other than they're probably more fun than this night is for me.
The root canals in Venice are supposed to be so pretty.
We should go there.
Ah, we'll never go there.
Hey, whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
Axl, come on, buddy.
Stay with me.
My tutor is pretty and smart and she hates me.
I clogged the toilet at the karate place.
Okay One Two Three! Oh! Oh, my God.
That did not just happen again.
Mom is going to kill us! Hey, wait.
I see something.
Yeah, I know, Brick.
I see it, too-- a giant hole, right where the old giant hole was.
No.
Look.
It's open! There's nothing in here except some maps and an old rental car receipt.
Ugh! I knew we shouldn't have bought the safe.
I knew it! But I let you talk me into it, and now we have nothing to give back to mom.
Nothing! Nothing but this stupid receipt, signed by Ger-ahld Ford.
The President? Gerald Ford? It says it's from October 1974.
Oh, my God.
Do you know what this means? I'm getting my Robot Butler! Robot Butler.
Aah! Ha! You know, Rick, according to my research, President Ford was in Indianapolis in 1974 trying to help Senator Lugar get elected.
So you see that it has a real historical significance.
I don't know.
Guys, you really can't make out the signature.
There's no way to know who this belonged to.
And I'm pretty sure the president wasn't renting an AMC gremlin.
But I like you kids.
So how 'bout me giving you Um, we're gonna need a sidebar.
It's clearly not worth anything.
So let's just take the $20, which is what we started with, and cut our losses.
Brick, think about it-- if that wasn't the president's signature, he wouldn't be offering us anything at all.
Obviously, he thinks it's worth way more.
He's just trying to lowball us.
Rick, we think we can do better.
Sorry, we're walking away.
And pencils down.
Thank God that was over.
Now it's time for the clinical part of our exam.
Let's start with our blood pressure skills.
Frankie, roll 'em up.
Uh, you know what? I'd-- I'd rather not.
I feel like I've been hogging all the volunteering.
I'm sure someone else would like a chance What is that? Hey.
If you're really desperate, I could hook you up.
Here's how you do it.
All right.
Okay.
"Mesial" That tickles.
Let me explain.
This wouldn't happen under normal circumstances, - but my son and I were taking drugs together-- - Frankie Isn't it time? Isn't it time you accept the fact that you don't have what it takes to make it in the high-pressure world of dental assisting? Why don't you do yourself a favor? Why don't you walk out that door and find something more your speed, like running a hair extension kiosk at the mall? You think I'm just gonna walk out of here? That I'm just gonna quit because you told me to? Well, let me tell you something about myself-- I am a quitter.
A lifelong quitter.
Girl Scouts? Quit.
Piano lessons when they started with two hands? Quit.
Working out at Curves? Quit in the middle of signing up for the membership.
Every volunteer thing at my kids' school, quit, quit, quit.
Oh, and I only got through 20 "shades of grey.
" So if I quit-- and yeah, I might if it gets too hard-- I'm gonna do it on my terms.
It might be tomorrow.
It might be next week.
It might be the week after! But definitely not today.
Okay.
Did you see Rick's face? He totally knew what this thing was worth.
Of course he did.
But we're gonna have the last laugh when this thing is at the Smithsonian, and we're living in our mansion in Orson Heights.
Although The L in Gerald kind of looks more like an R.
And the O in Ford kind of looks more like a U.
In which case, we have the 1974 rental car receipt of some guy named Gerard Furd? Rick, we feel we have a long-standing business relationship with you, and it's not just about the money, so - We'll take the $20.
- Yeah.
I'll give you $10.
- What? - You offered us $20 before.
- Okay, $9.
- Wait, you can't just lower your offer.
- $7.
- Sell! Sell! Sell! - All right.
All right.
All right.
We'll take the $7.
- It's Furd, for God sake.
Oh.
Hey.
Hey.
Um Look, I know I'm the last person you wanna see, but, uh, I just wanted to let you know I got a B on that government test.
Really? That's great, Axl.
Nice job.
Yeah.
Um, I know things are kind of weird between us now 'cause of that kiss thing.
So I get it if you don't want to tutor me anymore.
It was lame of me.
You hated it.
Sorry and stuff.
Um, so Just to recap Me-- lame.
Bye.
I didn't hate it.
You didn't? No, um Actually, it was kind of pleasant.
But the thing is, I have a boyfriend.
He's away at college.
So it's moot.
Cool.
Cool.
Yeah.
Um uh, yeah.
Well If you ever break up with that moot guy, let me know.
Ow.
Sometimes life knocks us down.
Sometimes it knocks us down a lot.
Okay, there it is.
I figured out the problem.
The house is broken.
Really? That's your expert opinion? Yeah.
It's groaning because it's tired, much like the people in it.
Oh, see what you're doing there? Grinding your teeth.
Your mandibular molars, to be exact.
Oh, my God.
Mike, I learned something.
I didn't used to know that before.
Oh! But there's that tiny glimmer of hope that lets us believe that by some miracle, it'll all work out.
And then again, sometimes we just don't know when to quit.
Unless your sister runs over your foot, and then you'd better have something to fall back on.
For Axl, it was the couch.
This is not fair! Not awesome things are not supposed to happen to me.
Not awesome things are supposed to happen to other people.
Can I get you a sandwich or something? It hurts my foot to eat sandwiches.
I just want to be left alone.
Stupid Sue.
Axl had pretty much forgiven Sue for breaking his foot.
But now and then, his anger bubbled up.
Aah! I didn't even think my bones could break, they're so strong and thick.
God! I drink so much milk! I'm suing milk! You know, as long as you're lying there anyway, maybe you could do a little homework? Oh, my God.
You are the worst comforter ever.
Wait.
What is this? Why are you both sitting down and looking at me? Well, your mom and I were talking, and in light of your current foot situation, it might not be a bad idea to stay on top of the grades thing.
What? Southern's already revoked their scholarship offer, Axl, and East Indy's being pretty quiet.
I'm just saying we don't exactly know where they're at anymore, and we still gotta think about getting you into college.
Oh, my God.
I'm healing.
Look, we're just saying, if the scholarship situation is not the lock we thought it was gonna be, we might have to examine the possibility of a plan B.
So what would that be? Well, that you'd get into college on your own academic merit.
That's your plan B? That's all you got?! I wanna hear another plan B! I wanna hear the plan B that involves you doing something! Hey.
We did do something.
We checked into it, and the school has tutors that can help you.
And now that you won't have practice, you can use that time to study and get your grades up.
Let me get this straight-- you have no faith in my bone mending powers, I might not be getting a free ride to college, and instead of sailing through my senior year doing nothing but partying and ruling the school as is my God-given right you're saying I have to study more?! Well, it's not really possible for you to study less.
You're dead! You are so dead! Oh.
Oh! I'm too depressed to get up.
Well, Axl wasn't the only one who was gonna have to start studying.
'Cause the next day was my first day of dental assisting school.
Yep, I was back to school for the first time in over 20 years.
Oh, Mike, take a picture of me with my lunch like we always said we were gonna do with the kids on their first day of school but never did.
Battery's dead.
It's doing it again.
Do we need a plumber? Oh, definitely.
And a roof guy and a mold guy and a bug guy.
But instead, we're paying tuition, and it's all gonna be worth it, right, Frankie? Mike, this is not just my second act.
It's all of ours.
The Hecks are taking risks.
Yeah.
We're on the comeback trail.
Well, four days, and my hair is still syrupy.
But it's okay.
I deserve it.
I should bear the physical scars of what I've done.
And bright side, it smells pretty nice.
Except bees chase me.
All right.
I'm shutting off the water.
If anybody has to go, now would be the time.
Wait.
I have to go again.
No, I'm all right.
Well, maybe I do.
Hang on.
No.
Okay.
I'm good.
Don't forget I have social skills after school.
We're working on planning ahead.
I was supposed to tell you two weeks ago.
And you're in charge of bringing a healthy snack.
Now? Now you're telling me this? This is not a good time, Brick.
- I gotta get to school.
- I'll do it.
I will so do it.
I want to make up for running over Axl's foot and ruining everybody's lives.
Okay.
Here's 40 bucks.
Now the snacks aren't gonna cost that much, so bring back change.
And peanut M&Ms don't count as a healthy snack.
Learned that one the hard way.
This isn't about handing out certificates and sending you on your way.
This is about changing lives one tooth at a time.
Now I'm going to be talking about this-- Hi.
Oh, sorry.
Hi.
Frankie Heck.
I am so sorry.
I was a little nervous.
First day, you know, and my husband turned off the water, so I had to stop at the karate place to go Well, that was too much information.
Well, you are one brave puppy coming into my class late, Frankie Heck.
As the rest of your classmates already know, I'm Sandy Armwood, a thorough dental educator, according to a recent Yelp review.
Now dental assisting is not pretty.
There is going to be spit.
There's going to be blood.
There's going to be serious gag reflexes.
If you don't think you're up for it, if it scares you people, there's the door.
I'm not scared.
I'm a mom! All right, then, let's get out our notebooks.
Because it is my honor-- no, it is my duty, to share my knowledge with you.
I'll start by introducing you to the maxillary and mandibular arches.
This is good.
I bought healthy snacks, I picked you up from school I think I'll make a pretty great mom someday.
Aah! Hey, Brick! Look, a garage sale! Let's check it out.
Oh my God.
I saw something exactly like this on Antiques Roadshow.
You know, they appraised it for a ton of money.
Hmm, I don't know.
It looks like it could be a cheap copy.
On American Pickers, I saw someone just throw one of those away.
You know, we still have $20 left from the money mom gave me for snacks.
If this is worth something, and we can flip it like on House Flippers, Miami, we can bring her back even more money.
Mom's not working, so we gotta help out any way we can.
True.
I mean, how could we, in good conscience, not do it? I think we have a real opportunity here.
I mean, clearly, this lady can't tell things of value from junk.
I learned that one from watching Hoarders.
The thing I learned from watching Hoarders is that it does not usually end well for the cats.
So while Sue was in heaven at the garage sale, Axl was in hell, otherwise known as tutor signups.
Hey.
No cuts.
You're behind my backpack.
It's holding my place.
Sorry.
There's no holding places.
Well, put it back.
It's my helper backpack.
I'm very injured.
No, you're not.
You're just lazy.
I saw you vault over two trash cans on your way in here.
Are you saying I'm faking? This is real.
I might be out for the whole rest of the football season.
Everyone's freaking out.
Oh, yeah.
Me, too.
I'm just hiding it behind not caring at all.
Well I probably don't care about whatever it is you do, either, so Actually, I'm co-founder of the Green Club, photographer on the school paper Axl Heck? Your assigned tutor is Cassidy Finch.
Well, great.
I see you two have already started to get to know one another.
Oh.
And in my spare time, I tutor dumb jocks.
I'll give you 40 bucks.
- Really? - Yep.
Just give me one quick sec to confer with my associate.
- Oh, my God, that's so much money.
- Oh, my God! - I cannot believe it! Aah! - We flipped it! Okay.
Yes, I think that will do.
Sue! Hang on.
I saw this exact safe on Storage Wars.
And when they opened it up, there was a ton of money inside.
No, Brick.
We gotta quit while we're ahead, like the smart ones do on Deal Or No Deal.
Look, $40 isn't gonna change mom's life.
But $40,000 could.
There might be pirate doubloons in there.
What do you say, Sue? Do you wanna let it ride? Okay.
Let it ride! Okay, backpack boy.
Let's do this.
Yeah, before we dive in, I wanna be clear about my goals here.
All right, I don't want to get too smart, just smart enough to get into college.
I think we're safe there.
You ready to start? - Or do you need me to blow a whistle? - Wow.
You're making fun of me for being an awesome athlete.
Ouch.
No cracks about my thick, shiny hair, or I'll cry out of my piercing blue eyes.
Boy, you sure do love yourself some you, don't ya? Look, I'm not sure I get why you're hating on me so bad 'cause I play sports.
I don't think you realize what a public service we do for this school.
We're, like, totally responsible for, like, all the caring, and all the trophies, and all the coolness and stuff.
Oh, my God.
All the coolness and stuff is you? Thanks so much.
You always this much fun? I'll have fun next year at college, which you don't have a prayer of getting into unless you open that book.
So, what, are you already accepted into Harvard or something? Vassar, actually.
Vassar? It has "ass" in it.
Wow.
I feel sorry for you.
Your whole identity is this tiny locker room world you think you're king of.
And now you're injured and you're scared, so you're putting up an imperious facade and overcompensating for your insecurity.
Okay, if you're trying to insult me, you're gonna have to use smaller words.
After a day at school, I was beginning to understand Axl's love affair with our couch.
- What are you doing? - Shh! I saw this on Safe Crackers.
Did it work? I don't know.
After five minutes, I switched over to Whale Wars.
But I do feel fairly confident that I can commandeer a Japanese harpoon ship.
Sue and Brick were making as much progress with that safe as Axl was with his tutor.
So your score of 0 out of 20 on the quiz makes it pretty clear that you read nothing about the Bay Of Pigs invasion.
Well, in my defense, I was totally sitting down to read this, when the guys called me and invited me to the lake.
Everyone was there.
And PS-- awesomeness ensued.
Why didn't you go? See, this is why I hate high school.
All everyone does is go to lame parties.
And for your information, I had to study.
And so should you.
You have a test tomorrow.
No.
The teacher said yesterday it was the day after tomorrow.
Wow.
God does not give with both hands.
And that means what? It means attractive people are usually not that bright.
You think I'm attractive? I didn't mean it that way.
- Hmm.
- Okay, um, so where was I? The Bay Of Pigs.
Right.
It's important 'cause, um, it was a crucial moment in history.
I mean, those three days were fraught with confusion and tension.
JFK had only been in office a couple of months.
He barely knew what he was doing, and yet he knew he had to take bold action.
He deployed-- How you like high school now? Seriously? Oh, my God.
I have to go.
What? Oh you were vibing me all these signals, and you were saying how you never go to parties, and you were talking about tension and deployment and stuff.
What was I supposed to do? So I'd gotten off to a bad start with my teacher.
But if there's one thing I'd learned from working at Ehlert's, it was the fine art of sucking up.
Hi.
I know.
Late again.
What are the odds? But I made you some snickerdoodles.
Oh.
Look, everybody.
Gingivitis on a plate.
You know what those cookies tell me, Frankie? You do not respect the tooth.
Oh, I do.
I completely respect the tooth, so, so much.
Ah.
Well, good to hear it.
And since you're not in your seat, why don't you take this one right here? - Oh-- - Attagirl.
There we go.
Going down.
- Okay.
Well, you know what? - I think it would be better-- Wowzers! You have some seriously, seriously inflamed gums.
- Really? - I see you had a couple of those cookies in the car, too, huh? Everybody, gather around! This is an excellent example of the oral carelessness we've been discussing today.
Now I want everyone to reach in there and feel that frenum.
Uh, hold on a sec.
No.
Come on, come on, come on.
Go, go.
Really get in there.
Don't be shy.
Yep, there's no doubt about it-- I was miserable Axl was miserable Even the house was miserable.
You're only a few classes in, right? Is it too late to switch you to plumbing school? Hey, I swallowed someone's fake fingernail today.
This is really not the time.
Ugh! It's 10:00 and I still have Mom, you gotta help me study.
Here It's the constitutional amendments.
Just so you know, those are Roman numerals.
Turns out they're not just for Super Bowls.
Axl, I can't.
I have a huge anatomy test tomorrow.
Uh, hello! You're always telling me to ask you for help, and now I'm saying I need help, and you won't? - This is so typical.
- You don't understand.
My teacher's mean and she hates me.
That's what I tell you all the time! And you tell me, "I'm sure she has a good heart.
She's just trying to make you be your best.
" Ugh.
How do you live with me if I say things like that? Shut up, Frankie.
Look, we gotta get you into college, and you out of college and back into a job, so let's knock this out.
Okay, what are the mandibular incisors? Oh, my God.
I have no idea! That was for your mom.
Oh, crap.
I have no idea, either.
Pass.
What's the 12th amendment revise? Can I have the incisors question again? Seven layers of the tooth.
Go.
I don't know.
Oh, my God, what made me think I could do this? I'm too old.
My brain is mush.
It doesn't hold new thoughts anymore.
Hey.
Over here.
Oh, you have a headache, too? Will you two man up? I've had a headache for ten years.
You don't see me whining.
Let's just do this, and then you can go to bed.
Everybody's tired.
The only people getting any sleep in this house are Sue and Brick.
Ah.
Cheese grater.
I don't know.
I just don't know.
Let me just close my eyes for ten minutes, and I'll have the answer.
Come on, Frankie.
What's with you? Suck it up! I know you're tired, but you got a long way to go here.
I'm just so tired.
Wait, wait, wait.
Frankie, is this what you took? Yeah.
It's Tylenol PM.
PM-- that's why it's got the moon and the stars on it.
It's the kind that makes you go to sleep.
- What? - Oh, my God.
My mother drugged me? And I have a test tomorrow on I have no idea what I have a test tomorrow on.
Look, I'm all right, Mike.
Just ask Rascal his questions first, and I'll just rest my eyes.
Okay.
That was good.
Now let that sink in, and I'll let you rest a second.
Okay, Frankie, tell me what you know about root canals.
Other than they're probably more fun than this night is for me.
The root canals in Venice are supposed to be so pretty.
We should go there.
Ah, we'll never go there.
Hey, whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
Axl, come on, buddy.
Stay with me.
My tutor is pretty and smart and she hates me.
I clogged the toilet at the karate place.
Okay One Two Three! Oh! Oh, my God.
That did not just happen again.
Mom is going to kill us! Hey, wait.
I see something.
Yeah, I know, Brick.
I see it, too-- a giant hole, right where the old giant hole was.
No.
Look.
It's open! There's nothing in here except some maps and an old rental car receipt.
Ugh! I knew we shouldn't have bought the safe.
I knew it! But I let you talk me into it, and now we have nothing to give back to mom.
Nothing! Nothing but this stupid receipt, signed by Ger-ahld Ford.
The President? Gerald Ford? It says it's from October 1974.
Oh, my God.
Do you know what this means? I'm getting my Robot Butler! Robot Butler.
Aah! Ha! You know, Rick, according to my research, President Ford was in Indianapolis in 1974 trying to help Senator Lugar get elected.
So you see that it has a real historical significance.
I don't know.
Guys, you really can't make out the signature.
There's no way to know who this belonged to.
And I'm pretty sure the president wasn't renting an AMC gremlin.
But I like you kids.
So how 'bout me giving you Um, we're gonna need a sidebar.
It's clearly not worth anything.
So let's just take the $20, which is what we started with, and cut our losses.
Brick, think about it-- if that wasn't the president's signature, he wouldn't be offering us anything at all.
Obviously, he thinks it's worth way more.
He's just trying to lowball us.
Rick, we think we can do better.
Sorry, we're walking away.
And pencils down.
Thank God that was over.
Now it's time for the clinical part of our exam.
Let's start with our blood pressure skills.
Frankie, roll 'em up.
Uh, you know what? I'd-- I'd rather not.
I feel like I've been hogging all the volunteering.
I'm sure someone else would like a chance What is that? Hey.
If you're really desperate, I could hook you up.
Here's how you do it.
All right.
Okay.
"Mesial" That tickles.
Let me explain.
This wouldn't happen under normal circumstances, - but my son and I were taking drugs together-- - Frankie Isn't it time? Isn't it time you accept the fact that you don't have what it takes to make it in the high-pressure world of dental assisting? Why don't you do yourself a favor? Why don't you walk out that door and find something more your speed, like running a hair extension kiosk at the mall? You think I'm just gonna walk out of here? That I'm just gonna quit because you told me to? Well, let me tell you something about myself-- I am a quitter.
A lifelong quitter.
Girl Scouts? Quit.
Piano lessons when they started with two hands? Quit.
Working out at Curves? Quit in the middle of signing up for the membership.
Every volunteer thing at my kids' school, quit, quit, quit.
Oh, and I only got through 20 "shades of grey.
" So if I quit-- and yeah, I might if it gets too hard-- I'm gonna do it on my terms.
It might be tomorrow.
It might be next week.
It might be the week after! But definitely not today.
Okay.
Did you see Rick's face? He totally knew what this thing was worth.
Of course he did.
But we're gonna have the last laugh when this thing is at the Smithsonian, and we're living in our mansion in Orson Heights.
Although The L in Gerald kind of looks more like an R.
And the O in Ford kind of looks more like a U.
In which case, we have the 1974 rental car receipt of some guy named Gerard Furd? Rick, we feel we have a long-standing business relationship with you, and it's not just about the money, so - We'll take the $20.
- Yeah.
I'll give you $10.
- What? - You offered us $20 before.
- Okay, $9.
- Wait, you can't just lower your offer.
- $7.
- Sell! Sell! Sell! - All right.
All right.
All right.
We'll take the $7.
- It's Furd, for God sake.
Oh.
Hey.
Hey.
Um Look, I know I'm the last person you wanna see, but, uh, I just wanted to let you know I got a B on that government test.
Really? That's great, Axl.
Nice job.
Yeah.
Um, I know things are kind of weird between us now 'cause of that kiss thing.
So I get it if you don't want to tutor me anymore.
It was lame of me.
You hated it.
Sorry and stuff.
Um, so Just to recap Me-- lame.
Bye.
I didn't hate it.
You didn't? No, um Actually, it was kind of pleasant.
But the thing is, I have a boyfriend.
He's away at college.
So it's moot.
Cool.
Cool.
Yeah.
Um uh, yeah.
Well If you ever break up with that moot guy, let me know.
Ow.
Sometimes life knocks us down.
Sometimes it knocks us down a lot.
Okay, there it is.
I figured out the problem.
The house is broken.
Really? That's your expert opinion? Yeah.
It's groaning because it's tired, much like the people in it.
Oh, see what you're doing there? Grinding your teeth.
Your mandibular molars, to be exact.
Oh, my God.
Mike, I learned something.
I didn't used to know that before.
Oh! But there's that tiny glimmer of hope that lets us believe that by some miracle, it'll all work out.
And then again, sometimes we just don't know when to quit.