King of the Hill s04e08 Episode Script
Not in My Back-hoe
1 ( horns honking ) ( honking continues ) ( brakes screech ) YEAH! ( chuckles ) ( cheering and laughing ) Bill: DALE JUST WON BY A HAIR.
SHE IS POWER ENORMOUS YELLOW POWER.
I FEEL LIKE MY WHOLE LIFE'S BEEN LEADING TO THIS DAY.
SO, LET'S SEE HOW YOU GUYS DID.
Bill: IT'S THE BIGGEST SEPTIC TANK THEY HAD.
THEY SOLD ONE JUST LIKE IT TO A BOWLING ALLEY IN AUSTIN.
GUY TRIED TO PUT US IN A LITTLE HOME UNIT.
I TOLD HIM, "YOU DON'T KNOW BILL.
" YEAH, THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.
Hank: IT'S A SHAME WE HAVE TO PUT HER IN THE GROUND.
( sighing ): I SHOULD'VE HIT THE OLD TANK BY NOW, BILL.
ARE YOU SURE YOU SURVEYED IT PRECISELY? UH SURE.
I MEAN, TH-THAT'S MY RECOLLECTION, MM-HMM.
( sighs ) OH, THERE-- THAT'S WHERE IT IS.
( chuckling ): MY MISTAKE.
SORRY.
MAYBE THE TANK'S IN THE FRONT.
I DON'T KNOW.
( sighs ) YOU JUST KILLED YOUR WHOLE BACK LAWN A PERFECTLY INNOCENT LAWN.
OKAY, BIG SHOT, WHERE'S YOUR TANK? SIDE LAWN, EIGHT FEET OU NINE FEET SEVEN INCHES FROM THE PAVEMENT.
"SIDE LAWN.
" MINE'S ON THE SIDE LAWN, TOO.
( Hank sighs ) BILL, YOU CAN'T JUST MARK I WHERE YOU THINK IT MIGHT BE.
THAT'S NOT REAL MARKING.
THE FLAG IS IN.
Dale: I AM THE HOE MASTER.
HEAR ME HOE.
DALE, NO! ( Dale screams ) OH! HANK? HANK, YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT IT BEING COMPLICATED BUT WRONG TO MAKE ME WANT TO TRY IT SO BADLY.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? TO BUY THE "L" PIPES FOR YOUR SEPTIC TANK.
ROAD TRIP.
YOU'RE STAYING HERE.
CAN I COME? NO.
I'LL STAY IN THE TRUCK.
AW, HE'S RIGHT.
I NEVER WOULD'VE STAYED IN THE TRUCK.
NO, THAT'S A STRAIGHT PIPE.
I'M LOOKING FOR AN "L" PIPE.
Ls ARE STRAIGHT.
( sighing): LOWERCASE, MAYBE, BUT OKAY, FINE.
I'M LOOKING FOR A CAPITAL-L PIPE.
IT BENDS, AT A RIGHT ANGLE.
PIPES DON'T BEND.
ALL PIPES ARE STRAIGHT.
ALL PIPES CAN'T BE STRAIGHT.
IF THEY WERE, YOUR DEPARTMENT STORE WOULDN'T BE SELLING THOSE "U" PIPES RIGHT BEHIND YOUR SHOULDER.
THOSE AREN'T PIPES.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE IS MORE THAN ONE SIZE BIT.
A "PLUMBING ASSOCIATE" THEY'RE DIFFERENT- SIZE HOLES.
AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A PIPE IS? Man: WHAT THE? STUPID, DUMB NICE TRUCK.
DOES THE JOB THEN SOME.
DID YOU GET THE RECALL NOTICE ABOUT THE BELTS? BACK IN '94? YEP.
GOT IT.
SO PICK UP SOME KIND OF "L" PIPE? YEP, TWO-AND- A-QUARTER INCH.
SEPTIC? ( chuckles ): YEAH.
IT'S MY NEIGHBOR'S.
WE RENTED A LOADER BACKHOE FOR THE JOB.
I HEAR MASON'S GOT A NEW DESIGN.
THAT'S WHAT I RENTED.
WELL THEN, I WON'T KEEP YOU.
Luanne: SO, THEN, MY PROFESSOR SAYS TO ME THAT I HAVE THE GREATEST POTENTIAL OF ANY JUNIOR COLLEGE STUDENT THAT HE'S EVER SEEN AND, THEN, HE ASKED ME TO DINNER TO TALK ABOUT IT SOME MORE AND DRINKS! ( laughs giddily ) DINNER AND DRINKS? LUANNE HONEY, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU SMILING ABOUT? OH, WELL ( chuckles ) I MET A GUY.
UH-HUH? YEAH, AT THE MEGA LO MART.
WE HAVE THE SAME TRUCK, SAME YEAR, SAME COLOR.
SMART GUY, TOO.
HE KNEW WHAT AN "L" PIPE WAS FOR.
IT WAS NICE.
ARE YOU GOING TO SEE HIM AGAIN? OH, I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW, IT WAS JUST A ONE-TIME THING WITH A GUY IN A PARKING LOT.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S ALL.
HEY L-PIPE, HOW YOU DOING? YOU, UH, FILLING UP WITH SUPER? REGULAR.
JUST KIDDING.
OH.
( laughing ) ( sighs uneasily ) HEY, UH YOU GOT SOMEPLACE YOU NEED TO BE OR MAYBE YOU WANT TO GRAB A BEER? IMPORTED? WHAT?! N-NO, NO, DOMES ( laughing ): OH ( laughing ) "IMPORTED.
" ( chuckling ) I GOT TO WATCH YOU.
( country-blues on juke box ) YOU KNOW, PEGGY, WE'RE HAVING THE BEST TIME.
NO, WE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT THAT.
NO, HE DIDN'T MENTION IT.
THAT DIDN'T COME UP, EITHER.
LOOK, I'LL BE HOME LATER.
Man: Well, listen to me, doll Before you start to whine That side's yours and this side's mine Move it on over Dale: MORE MORE MORE IS IT OPEN? ALMOST.
TRY AGAIN.
WH-WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET OUTTA THERE.
( sighs ) DID YOU STOP TO THINK THAT MAYBE THE BACKHOE WASN' THE BEST TOOL FOR OPENING UP A BEER CAN? YEAH, HANK, I DID.
THAT OH! MAN.
HANK DID IT.
( sighs ) WHAT WOULD YOU GUYS THINK IF SOMEONE HAD A BEER WITH US OUT HERE? LIKE SOMEONE JUST WANDERS OVER, LIKE A STRANGER? NO, NO, THIS GUY I KNOW.
GOOD GUY.
IT'S A BIG ALLEY.
BOY, HANK SURE DOES SEEM EXCITED.
HAL, THIS IS DALE, BILL AND BOOMHAUER.
HEY, FELLAS.
YO.
SAY, LOOK, UH HANK TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR SITUATION AND I WAS THINKING YOU COULD JUST USE A METAL DETECTOR TRACE THE PIPES BACK TO YOUR TANK.
( laughing ) "A METAL DETECTOR"? THE DETECTOR WOULD GO OFF CONSTANTLY DUE TO THE HIGH LEVELS OF EXTRATERRESTRIAL ALLOY IN OUR SOIL WHICH ACTS AS A HOMING BEACON TO THE MARTIAN CAPITAL OF ( rolls tongue) ( spitting ) ( gulps ) CITY.
( laughing uneasily ) YEAH, YEAH THAT'S A GOOD JOKE, DALE.
DALE SURE CAN TELL A JOKE.
HEY, YOU KNOW, ON THE WAY OVER I PASSED THIS HUGE TRACKHOE-- 14-TONNER.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO CHECK HER OUT? SORRY, BUT WE'VE GOT BUSINESS TO TRANSACT.
I'LL GO.
HANK'S GOING TO COME BACK NOW.
NOPE.
NOW.
NOPE.
THIS IS DANG OLD PATHETIC.
DON'T WE GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN SITTING AROUND ON THAT DANG OLD ( word ) TALKING ABOUT OLD ( speaking gibberish )? LATER.
I'M SURPRISED BOOMHAUER STAYED AS LONG AS HE DID.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
YEP.
( clattering ) ( groans ) WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? OH SO YOU CARE WHAT WE'RE DOING, DO YOU? HE DOESN'T CARE.
YOU SAID YOU'D BE BACK IN A MINUTE.
WE WAITED A MINUTE.
THEN, WE WAITED ANOTHER.
AND, THEN, AFTER ABOUT A MILLION MINUTES I FORGOT WHY I WAS COUNTING.
WELL, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? YOU DON'T GET UPSET WHEN I COME HOME LATE FROM WORK.
ONE, WE GET VERY UPSET WHEN YOU WORK LATE AND, TWO, YOU WERE OUT WITH HIM.
DIDN'T YOU THINK PEGGY MIGHT BE WORRIED YOU BEING GONE SO LONG? I CALLED HER.
YEAH, WELL WE'RE BEING PHASED OUT.
OUT.
HA! OW! DO NOT WATCH THE EYES, BOBBY.
THE EYES CANNOT BE TRUSTED.
"FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU.
FOOL ME TWI" ( slap ) OW! HEY, PEGGY.
HAL JUST TOOK ME TO THIS STORE THAT ONLY SELLS FIREPLACE HARDWARE.
"FIREPLACE HARDWARE"? BOOMHAUER MUST'VE BEEN IN HOG HEAVEN.
UH YEAH WELL, I DIDN'T REALLY INVITE BOOMHAUER OR BILL OR DALE, FOR THAT MATTER.
MOM! WHAT? PART OF THE FUN WITH HAL IS DOING NEW STUFF WITH SOMEONE NEW AND IF THE GUYS CAN'T HANDLE THAT, WELL THAT'S WHY I DON'T TELL THEM.
HANK.
HAL.
SO, WHERE'S THAT BAIT-AND-TACKLE SHOP YOU WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT? FALSE ALARM, HANK.
WENT LAST NIGHT.
THEY DIDN'T KNOW A FLOATER FROM A SINKER.
NOW, YOU WANT TO SEE A GREAT NEW STORE MAKE A LEFT AT THE LIGHT, THEN OUT TO McMAINERBERRY-- SPORT SHOP THAT SPINS AROUND.
USED TO BE A RESTAURANT.
HMM.
PICKS UP HAL.
WHAT? Dale: Bill: What? I SAID, "10:15-- HANK PICKS UP HAL"! ( gasps ) HANK AND HAL, I SEE.
SO, THIS GUY IS TRYING TO FILL A SERVICE TANK UH-HUH? AND THE DRIP-LIP VENT IS IN THE 6:00 POSITION.
INSTEAD OF 12:00? EXACTLY.
YOU SURE YOU NEVER WORKED IN PROPANE? HOBBY, THAT'S ALL.
Dale: I'M LOSING HIM SLOWLY.
AND THE NIGHT GOT DEATHLY QUIET Both: AND HIS FACE LOST ALL EXPRESSION SAID, "IF YOU'RE GONNA PLAY THE GAME, BOY "You gotta learn to play it right "YOU GOT TO KNOW WHEN TO HOLD 'EM WHEN TO HOLD 'EM" I WAS A HIGHWAYMAN ALONG THE COACH ROADS I DID RIDE WITH SWORD AND PISTOL BY MY SIDE SING IT, BROTHER.
( groans ) HEY, WHA? WHAT'S THAT? THERE! THERE! OVER THERE! Dale: HEY.
DALE.
BILL.
DALE.
BILL.
BOY, I TELL YA YOUR TANK'S AS BIG AS A SCHOOL BUS.
LAID IN PRETTY NICELY, ALL THE SAME.
ALL I SEE IS TRESPASSING.
HANK? HAL? THAT WAS OUR PROJECT.
YOU SHOULD BE THANKING ME.
HAL WORKED THAT BACKHOE SO FAS WE'RE GOING TO SAVE A COUPLE DAYS' RENTAL.
YEAH, AND WITH THE MONEY YOU SAVE YOU CAN BUY YOUR FRIEND HAL A DOZEN ROSES.
NOW YOU'RE BUYING HIM ROSES? THAT'S IT, HANK.
IT'S US OR HIM.
YOU CAN'T MAKE ME CHOOSE.
US OR HIM? ALL RIGHT, HIM.
"HIM" MEANS HAL, YOU KNOW.
THAT'S THE WAY WE PHRASED THE QUESTION.
YOU, UH, THINK WE WENT WRONG MAKING HIM CHOOSE? WHERE WE WENT WRONG IS NOT STAYING WITH THAT BACKHOE.
WHOEVER CONTROLS THE BACKHOE CONTROLS HANK.
YOU THINK? YES, I DO THINK.
AS LONG AS WE'RE-- FOR LACK OF A BETTER WORD-- "INCOMPETENT" WITH THE BACKHOE, WE WILL BE HANKLESS.
I KNOW A PLACE WE CAN PRACTICE.
THE ARMY'S GOT AN OLD MINE FIELD.
NO ONE'S EVER THERE.
DON'T BE INSANE, BILL.
WE'LL NEVER GET PAST SECURITY.
BUT I KNOW AN ABANDONED PET CEMETERY WITH OUR NAMES ON IT.
NICE HOLE, BILL.
THANK YOU.
MAY I? PLEASE.
Dale: NICKEL SAYS I CAN PICK THAT DANDELION OVER THERE BRING IT BACK HERE BLOW ON IT, AND MAKE A WISH.
Dale: COME ON! Bill: COME ON, HONEY PIE! COME ON, BABY.
COME ON, SWEETIE.
COME ON, BABY.
BILL, SHIFT YOUR WEIGHT.
LEAN FORWARD.
ALL RIGHT.
( men grunting ) ( men screaming ) MAYBE WE COULD, UH HOLD ON TO THAT TREE BRANCH AND SWING OUT OF THE HOLE LIKE A MONKEY IN THE JUNGLE.
( screaming ) HELP! ( coughing ) SOMEONE! HELP! AH, FORGET IT.
NO ONE CAN HEAR US OR IF THEY CAN, THEY DON'T CARE.
YOU'RE LUCKY.
YOU'RE IN THE ARMY.
YOU'VE GOT A TRACKING DEVICE IN YOUR TEETH.
THEY'LL FIND YOU.
I'LL TELL THEM WHERE YOU ARE.
YOU'RE GOOD PEOPLE.
HAL, IT'S HANK.
BEER? SURE.
UH, WELL, NO, THAT WON'T WORK.
MY WIFE WILL HAVE DINNER READY IN AN HOUR AND YOU'RE OVER 20 MINUTES AWAY.
YEAH.
NEXT TIME.
( sighing ) SO, BOBBY YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE WE'VE HAD A SHOESHINE PARTY.
I'LL GET MY BOX! HANK, YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO WATCH BOBBY SHINE YOUR SHOES.
HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU GO OUT INTO THE ALLEY AND HAVE A BEER WITH THE GUYS? UH, ALL RIGHT.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT BOBBY? WELL, IT IS SPA-PEGGY AND MEATBALLS NIGHT.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT BOBBY.
BOOMHAUER.
( mumbling ): HELLO, HANK.
YEP.
YEP.
USED TO BE A LOT MORE LIVELY AROUND HERE.
YEP.
SO, UH GOT ANY BIG DATES? MAN, THEY DONE LEAVE ME ALONE, MAN.
I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT THEM OLE QUESTIONS.
MAN, ALL THEM QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS.
MAN, NOTHING LIKE MY DANG OLE MOTHER.
MAN, OH, "BOOMER, WHEN YOU GON' GET MARRIED MAKE ME A GRANDMOTHER?" NO, NO, THEY DON'T, MAN.
( panting ) AN EXTERMINATOR IN A PET CEMETERY.
I HAVE MANY ENEMIES HERE.
( sobbing ) Hal: TOOK ME ABOUT 17 MINUTES TO GET HERE.
HUH.
TOOK ME 18.
MAYBE TOMORROW WE CAN MEET, UH I DON'T KNOW, UH, THAT EXXON OVER THERE.
THAT OUGHT TO EVEN THINGS OUT.
UH, MAN, I DON'T KNOW.
I ONLY GET A 45-MINUTE LUNCH HOUR.
LET'S TRY GETTING TOGETHER TONIGHT.
AHH I DON'T KNOW.
BY THE TIME I GET HOME FROM STRICKLAND PROPANE AND COME DOWN FROM THE DAY LET'S SHOOT FOR NEXT SATURDAY.
YEAH, YEAH.
OH! NO.
SATURDAY'S BOBBY'S FOOTBALL GAME AND HE REALLY LIKES ME TO WATCH IT WITH HIM.
HMM.
HMM.
HUH.
GUESS THIS IS IT, THEN.
YEAH.
WELL YOU TAKE CARE OF THAT TRUCK OF YOURS.
You got to know when to hold 'em ( sighing ) I'M GOING TO MISS THAT CRAZY BASTARD.
( squawking ) WE INVESTED ALL THAT TIME AND EFFORT MAYBE IN HANK AND HE HAS FORSAKEN US.
WELL, EVERYTHING FORSAKES ME.
I MEAN, SOMETIMES I, I THINK I SHOULD JUST STOP PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE.
WE DON'T NEED HANK.
WE ARE TWO BETA MALES AT THE TOP OF OUR GAME! AND YOU DIDN'T MENTION THAT WE'RE LOVABLE AND THAT I'VE GOT A LOT OF LOVE TO GIVE.
I KNOW! HOW'S THE MARKET BEEN TREATING YOU, SIR? I TOOK A PRETTY BIG HIT TODAY.
I GOT WORRIES.
( knock at door ) WHERE'S MY BACKHOE, HANK? HEY.
HOW ARE YOU? YOU WANT TO HAVE A BEER? I WANT MY BACKHOE.
IT WASN'T RETURNED BY DALE GRIBBLE OR BILL DAUTERIVE? NO.
I SAW THEM DRIVE OFF ON JOYRIDE WITH BACKHOE.
YOU MEAN, THEY MISSING? MINH.
YEAH, HEY, MINH.
TWO DOWN, TWO TO GO! HUH? THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING TO EAT IN THAT BOX.
( chuckles ): WHAT? LOOKS LIKE A FUN PROJECT.
( both groan ) IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
WE WERE JUST ON OUR LUNCH BREAK WHICH IS OVER SO, IF YOU DO NOT MIND WE WILL BE GETTING BACK TO WORK.
Bill: YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.
DID YOU SEE IT MOVE? ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I'LL GET OUT OF YOUR HAIR.
BUT BEFORE I GO, I AM CURIOUS.
WHAT'S THE BEST WAY OF DRIVING OU OF THAT HOLE? I MEAN, YOU GUYS HAVE MORE EXPERIENCE WITH THIS MACHINE THAN ME.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? WOULD IT BE BETTER TO WIDEN THE HOLE BEYOND THE TREE THEN EXTEND THE BOOM, PLANT THE BUCKE LET OUT THE OUTRIGGERS THEN RELEASE AND REPLANT THE BUCKET? WAIT, WAIT, WE'LL WE'LL HUMOR YOUR LITTLE EXPERIMEN BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO SLOW DOWN.
ON YOUR LEFT THERE, PULL THE EXTENDER AS FAR BACK LEFT, IS IT? YEAH, THE LEVER CLOSEST TO ME.
TAKE THAT IN YOUR HAND.
GOOD.
( both groaning ) MY LEGS.
WELL, YOU HAVEN'T MOVED IN ABOUT 50 HOURS.
THANKS, BUT NO THANKS, HAL'S FRIEND.
WHERE IS HAL? HUH, HANK? HAL'S GONE.
YEP.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
YOU THINK YOU CAN IGNORE ME FOR TWO DAYS AND THEN ACT LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED? ALL RIGHT, LOOK, YOU GUYS ARE SOMETHING HAL WILL NEVER BE-- MY NEIGHBORS.
APOLOGY ACCEPTED.
Bill: FRIENDSHIP IS OUR COUNTRY'S SWEETEST WINE.
Hank: ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE VERY DELIRIOUS.
SO, I WAS THINKING, ON THE BACKHOE RENTAL YOUR FRIEND HAL SHOULD CHIP IN.
I MEAN, HE USED IT, TOO.
Hank: I CAN PUT YOU BACK IN THE GROUND.
( Dale gurgling ) ( spits, gulps )
SHE IS POWER ENORMOUS YELLOW POWER.
I FEEL LIKE MY WHOLE LIFE'S BEEN LEADING TO THIS DAY.
SO, LET'S SEE HOW YOU GUYS DID.
Bill: IT'S THE BIGGEST SEPTIC TANK THEY HAD.
THEY SOLD ONE JUST LIKE IT TO A BOWLING ALLEY IN AUSTIN.
GUY TRIED TO PUT US IN A LITTLE HOME UNIT.
I TOLD HIM, "YOU DON'T KNOW BILL.
" YEAH, THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.
Hank: IT'S A SHAME WE HAVE TO PUT HER IN THE GROUND.
( sighing ): I SHOULD'VE HIT THE OLD TANK BY NOW, BILL.
ARE YOU SURE YOU SURVEYED IT PRECISELY? UH SURE.
I MEAN, TH-THAT'S MY RECOLLECTION, MM-HMM.
( sighs ) OH, THERE-- THAT'S WHERE IT IS.
( chuckling ): MY MISTAKE.
SORRY.
MAYBE THE TANK'S IN THE FRONT.
I DON'T KNOW.
( sighs ) YOU JUST KILLED YOUR WHOLE BACK LAWN A PERFECTLY INNOCENT LAWN.
OKAY, BIG SHOT, WHERE'S YOUR TANK? SIDE LAWN, EIGHT FEET OU NINE FEET SEVEN INCHES FROM THE PAVEMENT.
"SIDE LAWN.
" MINE'S ON THE SIDE LAWN, TOO.
( Hank sighs ) BILL, YOU CAN'T JUST MARK I WHERE YOU THINK IT MIGHT BE.
THAT'S NOT REAL MARKING.
THE FLAG IS IN.
Dale: I AM THE HOE MASTER.
HEAR ME HOE.
DALE, NO! ( Dale screams ) OH! HANK? HANK, YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT IT BEING COMPLICATED BUT WRONG TO MAKE ME WANT TO TRY IT SO BADLY.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? TO BUY THE "L" PIPES FOR YOUR SEPTIC TANK.
ROAD TRIP.
YOU'RE STAYING HERE.
CAN I COME? NO.
I'LL STAY IN THE TRUCK.
AW, HE'S RIGHT.
I NEVER WOULD'VE STAYED IN THE TRUCK.
NO, THAT'S A STRAIGHT PIPE.
I'M LOOKING FOR AN "L" PIPE.
Ls ARE STRAIGHT.
( sighing): LOWERCASE, MAYBE, BUT OKAY, FINE.
I'M LOOKING FOR A CAPITAL-L PIPE.
IT BENDS, AT A RIGHT ANGLE.
PIPES DON'T BEND.
ALL PIPES ARE STRAIGHT.
ALL PIPES CAN'T BE STRAIGHT.
IF THEY WERE, YOUR DEPARTMENT STORE WOULDN'T BE SELLING THOSE "U" PIPES RIGHT BEHIND YOUR SHOULDER.
THOSE AREN'T PIPES.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE IS MORE THAN ONE SIZE BIT.
A "PLUMBING ASSOCIATE" THEY'RE DIFFERENT- SIZE HOLES.
AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A PIPE IS? Man: WHAT THE? STUPID, DUMB NICE TRUCK.
DOES THE JOB THEN SOME.
DID YOU GET THE RECALL NOTICE ABOUT THE BELTS? BACK IN '94? YEP.
GOT IT.
SO PICK UP SOME KIND OF "L" PIPE? YEP, TWO-AND- A-QUARTER INCH.
SEPTIC? ( chuckles ): YEAH.
IT'S MY NEIGHBOR'S.
WE RENTED A LOADER BACKHOE FOR THE JOB.
I HEAR MASON'S GOT A NEW DESIGN.
THAT'S WHAT I RENTED.
WELL THEN, I WON'T KEEP YOU.
Luanne: SO, THEN, MY PROFESSOR SAYS TO ME THAT I HAVE THE GREATEST POTENTIAL OF ANY JUNIOR COLLEGE STUDENT THAT HE'S EVER SEEN AND, THEN, HE ASKED ME TO DINNER TO TALK ABOUT IT SOME MORE AND DRINKS! ( laughs giddily ) DINNER AND DRINKS? LUANNE HONEY, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU SMILING ABOUT? OH, WELL ( chuckles ) I MET A GUY.
UH-HUH? YEAH, AT THE MEGA LO MART.
WE HAVE THE SAME TRUCK, SAME YEAR, SAME COLOR.
SMART GUY, TOO.
HE KNEW WHAT AN "L" PIPE WAS FOR.
IT WAS NICE.
ARE YOU GOING TO SEE HIM AGAIN? OH, I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW, IT WAS JUST A ONE-TIME THING WITH A GUY IN A PARKING LOT.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S ALL.
HEY L-PIPE, HOW YOU DOING? YOU, UH, FILLING UP WITH SUPER? REGULAR.
JUST KIDDING.
OH.
( laughing ) ( sighs uneasily ) HEY, UH YOU GOT SOMEPLACE YOU NEED TO BE OR MAYBE YOU WANT TO GRAB A BEER? IMPORTED? WHAT?! N-NO, NO, DOMES ( laughing ): OH ( laughing ) "IMPORTED.
" ( chuckling ) I GOT TO WATCH YOU.
( country-blues on juke box ) YOU KNOW, PEGGY, WE'RE HAVING THE BEST TIME.
NO, WE DIDN'T TALK ABOUT THAT.
NO, HE DIDN'T MENTION IT.
THAT DIDN'T COME UP, EITHER.
LOOK, I'LL BE HOME LATER.
Man: Well, listen to me, doll Before you start to whine That side's yours and this side's mine Move it on over Dale: MORE MORE MORE IS IT OPEN? ALMOST.
TRY AGAIN.
WH-WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET OUTTA THERE.
( sighs ) DID YOU STOP TO THINK THAT MAYBE THE BACKHOE WASN' THE BEST TOOL FOR OPENING UP A BEER CAN? YEAH, HANK, I DID.
THAT OH! MAN.
HANK DID IT.
( sighs ) WHAT WOULD YOU GUYS THINK IF SOMEONE HAD A BEER WITH US OUT HERE? LIKE SOMEONE JUST WANDERS OVER, LIKE A STRANGER? NO, NO, THIS GUY I KNOW.
GOOD GUY.
IT'S A BIG ALLEY.
BOY, HANK SURE DOES SEEM EXCITED.
HAL, THIS IS DALE, BILL AND BOOMHAUER.
HEY, FELLAS.
YO.
SAY, LOOK, UH HANK TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR SITUATION AND I WAS THINKING YOU COULD JUST USE A METAL DETECTOR TRACE THE PIPES BACK TO YOUR TANK.
( laughing ) "A METAL DETECTOR"? THE DETECTOR WOULD GO OFF CONSTANTLY DUE TO THE HIGH LEVELS OF EXTRATERRESTRIAL ALLOY IN OUR SOIL WHICH ACTS AS A HOMING BEACON TO THE MARTIAN CAPITAL OF ( rolls tongue) ( spitting ) ( gulps ) CITY.
( laughing uneasily ) YEAH, YEAH THAT'S A GOOD JOKE, DALE.
DALE SURE CAN TELL A JOKE.
HEY, YOU KNOW, ON THE WAY OVER I PASSED THIS HUGE TRACKHOE-- 14-TONNER.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO CHECK HER OUT? SORRY, BUT WE'VE GOT BUSINESS TO TRANSACT.
I'LL GO.
HANK'S GOING TO COME BACK NOW.
NOPE.
NOW.
NOPE.
THIS IS DANG OLD PATHETIC.
DON'T WE GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN SITTING AROUND ON THAT DANG OLD ( word ) TALKING ABOUT OLD ( speaking gibberish )? LATER.
I'M SURPRISED BOOMHAUER STAYED AS LONG AS HE DID.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
YEP.
( clattering ) ( groans ) WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? OH SO YOU CARE WHAT WE'RE DOING, DO YOU? HE DOESN'T CARE.
YOU SAID YOU'D BE BACK IN A MINUTE.
WE WAITED A MINUTE.
THEN, WE WAITED ANOTHER.
AND, THEN, AFTER ABOUT A MILLION MINUTES I FORGOT WHY I WAS COUNTING.
WELL, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? YOU DON'T GET UPSET WHEN I COME HOME LATE FROM WORK.
ONE, WE GET VERY UPSET WHEN YOU WORK LATE AND, TWO, YOU WERE OUT WITH HIM.
DIDN'T YOU THINK PEGGY MIGHT BE WORRIED YOU BEING GONE SO LONG? I CALLED HER.
YEAH, WELL WE'RE BEING PHASED OUT.
OUT.
HA! OW! DO NOT WATCH THE EYES, BOBBY.
THE EYES CANNOT BE TRUSTED.
"FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU.
FOOL ME TWI" ( slap ) OW! HEY, PEGGY.
HAL JUST TOOK ME TO THIS STORE THAT ONLY SELLS FIREPLACE HARDWARE.
"FIREPLACE HARDWARE"? BOOMHAUER MUST'VE BEEN IN HOG HEAVEN.
UH YEAH WELL, I DIDN'T REALLY INVITE BOOMHAUER OR BILL OR DALE, FOR THAT MATTER.
MOM! WHAT? PART OF THE FUN WITH HAL IS DOING NEW STUFF WITH SOMEONE NEW AND IF THE GUYS CAN'T HANDLE THAT, WELL THAT'S WHY I DON'T TELL THEM.
HANK.
HAL.
SO, WHERE'S THAT BAIT-AND-TACKLE SHOP YOU WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT? FALSE ALARM, HANK.
WENT LAST NIGHT.
THEY DIDN'T KNOW A FLOATER FROM A SINKER.
NOW, YOU WANT TO SEE A GREAT NEW STORE MAKE A LEFT AT THE LIGHT, THEN OUT TO McMAINERBERRY-- SPORT SHOP THAT SPINS AROUND.
USED TO BE A RESTAURANT.
HMM.
PICKS UP HAL.
WHAT? Dale: Bill: What? I SAID, "10:15-- HANK PICKS UP HAL"! ( gasps ) HANK AND HAL, I SEE.
SO, THIS GUY IS TRYING TO FILL A SERVICE TANK UH-HUH? AND THE DRIP-LIP VENT IS IN THE 6:00 POSITION.
INSTEAD OF 12:00? EXACTLY.
YOU SURE YOU NEVER WORKED IN PROPANE? HOBBY, THAT'S ALL.
Dale: I'M LOSING HIM SLOWLY.
AND THE NIGHT GOT DEATHLY QUIET Both: AND HIS FACE LOST ALL EXPRESSION SAID, "IF YOU'RE GONNA PLAY THE GAME, BOY "You gotta learn to play it right "YOU GOT TO KNOW WHEN TO HOLD 'EM WHEN TO HOLD 'EM" I WAS A HIGHWAYMAN ALONG THE COACH ROADS I DID RIDE WITH SWORD AND PISTOL BY MY SIDE SING IT, BROTHER.
( groans ) HEY, WHA? WHAT'S THAT? THERE! THERE! OVER THERE! Dale: HEY.
DALE.
BILL.
DALE.
BILL.
BOY, I TELL YA YOUR TANK'S AS BIG AS A SCHOOL BUS.
LAID IN PRETTY NICELY, ALL THE SAME.
ALL I SEE IS TRESPASSING.
HANK? HAL? THAT WAS OUR PROJECT.
YOU SHOULD BE THANKING ME.
HAL WORKED THAT BACKHOE SO FAS WE'RE GOING TO SAVE A COUPLE DAYS' RENTAL.
YEAH, AND WITH THE MONEY YOU SAVE YOU CAN BUY YOUR FRIEND HAL A DOZEN ROSES.
NOW YOU'RE BUYING HIM ROSES? THAT'S IT, HANK.
IT'S US OR HIM.
YOU CAN'T MAKE ME CHOOSE.
US OR HIM? ALL RIGHT, HIM.
"HIM" MEANS HAL, YOU KNOW.
THAT'S THE WAY WE PHRASED THE QUESTION.
YOU, UH, THINK WE WENT WRONG MAKING HIM CHOOSE? WHERE WE WENT WRONG IS NOT STAYING WITH THAT BACKHOE.
WHOEVER CONTROLS THE BACKHOE CONTROLS HANK.
YOU THINK? YES, I DO THINK.
AS LONG AS WE'RE-- FOR LACK OF A BETTER WORD-- "INCOMPETENT" WITH THE BACKHOE, WE WILL BE HANKLESS.
I KNOW A PLACE WE CAN PRACTICE.
THE ARMY'S GOT AN OLD MINE FIELD.
NO ONE'S EVER THERE.
DON'T BE INSANE, BILL.
WE'LL NEVER GET PAST SECURITY.
BUT I KNOW AN ABANDONED PET CEMETERY WITH OUR NAMES ON IT.
NICE HOLE, BILL.
THANK YOU.
MAY I? PLEASE.
Dale: NICKEL SAYS I CAN PICK THAT DANDELION OVER THERE BRING IT BACK HERE BLOW ON IT, AND MAKE A WISH.
Dale: COME ON! Bill: COME ON, HONEY PIE! COME ON, BABY.
COME ON, SWEETIE.
COME ON, BABY.
BILL, SHIFT YOUR WEIGHT.
LEAN FORWARD.
ALL RIGHT.
( men grunting ) ( men screaming ) MAYBE WE COULD, UH HOLD ON TO THAT TREE BRANCH AND SWING OUT OF THE HOLE LIKE A MONKEY IN THE JUNGLE.
( screaming ) HELP! ( coughing ) SOMEONE! HELP! AH, FORGET IT.
NO ONE CAN HEAR US OR IF THEY CAN, THEY DON'T CARE.
YOU'RE LUCKY.
YOU'RE IN THE ARMY.
YOU'VE GOT A TRACKING DEVICE IN YOUR TEETH.
THEY'LL FIND YOU.
I'LL TELL THEM WHERE YOU ARE.
YOU'RE GOOD PEOPLE.
HAL, IT'S HANK.
BEER? SURE.
UH, WELL, NO, THAT WON'T WORK.
MY WIFE WILL HAVE DINNER READY IN AN HOUR AND YOU'RE OVER 20 MINUTES AWAY.
YEAH.
NEXT TIME.
( sighing ) SO, BOBBY YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE WE'VE HAD A SHOESHINE PARTY.
I'LL GET MY BOX! HANK, YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO WATCH BOBBY SHINE YOUR SHOES.
HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU GO OUT INTO THE ALLEY AND HAVE A BEER WITH THE GUYS? UH, ALL RIGHT.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT BOBBY? WELL, IT IS SPA-PEGGY AND MEATBALLS NIGHT.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT BOBBY.
BOOMHAUER.
( mumbling ): HELLO, HANK.
YEP.
YEP.
USED TO BE A LOT MORE LIVELY AROUND HERE.
YEP.
SO, UH GOT ANY BIG DATES? MAN, THEY DONE LEAVE ME ALONE, MAN.
I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT THEM OLE QUESTIONS.
MAN, ALL THEM QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS.
MAN, NOTHING LIKE MY DANG OLE MOTHER.
MAN, OH, "BOOMER, WHEN YOU GON' GET MARRIED MAKE ME A GRANDMOTHER?" NO, NO, THEY DON'T, MAN.
( panting ) AN EXTERMINATOR IN A PET CEMETERY.
I HAVE MANY ENEMIES HERE.
( sobbing ) Hal: TOOK ME ABOUT 17 MINUTES TO GET HERE.
HUH.
TOOK ME 18.
MAYBE TOMORROW WE CAN MEET, UH I DON'T KNOW, UH, THAT EXXON OVER THERE.
THAT OUGHT TO EVEN THINGS OUT.
UH, MAN, I DON'T KNOW.
I ONLY GET A 45-MINUTE LUNCH HOUR.
LET'S TRY GETTING TOGETHER TONIGHT.
AHH I DON'T KNOW.
BY THE TIME I GET HOME FROM STRICKLAND PROPANE AND COME DOWN FROM THE DAY LET'S SHOOT FOR NEXT SATURDAY.
YEAH, YEAH.
OH! NO.
SATURDAY'S BOBBY'S FOOTBALL GAME AND HE REALLY LIKES ME TO WATCH IT WITH HIM.
HMM.
HMM.
HUH.
GUESS THIS IS IT, THEN.
YEAH.
WELL YOU TAKE CARE OF THAT TRUCK OF YOURS.
You got to know when to hold 'em ( sighing ) I'M GOING TO MISS THAT CRAZY BASTARD.
( squawking ) WE INVESTED ALL THAT TIME AND EFFORT MAYBE IN HANK AND HE HAS FORSAKEN US.
WELL, EVERYTHING FORSAKES ME.
I MEAN, SOMETIMES I, I THINK I SHOULD JUST STOP PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE.
WE DON'T NEED HANK.
WE ARE TWO BETA MALES AT THE TOP OF OUR GAME! AND YOU DIDN'T MENTION THAT WE'RE LOVABLE AND THAT I'VE GOT A LOT OF LOVE TO GIVE.
I KNOW! HOW'S THE MARKET BEEN TREATING YOU, SIR? I TOOK A PRETTY BIG HIT TODAY.
I GOT WORRIES.
( knock at door ) WHERE'S MY BACKHOE, HANK? HEY.
HOW ARE YOU? YOU WANT TO HAVE A BEER? I WANT MY BACKHOE.
IT WASN'T RETURNED BY DALE GRIBBLE OR BILL DAUTERIVE? NO.
I SAW THEM DRIVE OFF ON JOYRIDE WITH BACKHOE.
YOU MEAN, THEY MISSING? MINH.
YEAH, HEY, MINH.
TWO DOWN, TWO TO GO! HUH? THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING TO EAT IN THAT BOX.
( chuckles ): WHAT? LOOKS LIKE A FUN PROJECT.
( both groan ) IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
WE WERE JUST ON OUR LUNCH BREAK WHICH IS OVER SO, IF YOU DO NOT MIND WE WILL BE GETTING BACK TO WORK.
Bill: YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.
DID YOU SEE IT MOVE? ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I'LL GET OUT OF YOUR HAIR.
BUT BEFORE I GO, I AM CURIOUS.
WHAT'S THE BEST WAY OF DRIVING OU OF THAT HOLE? I MEAN, YOU GUYS HAVE MORE EXPERIENCE WITH THIS MACHINE THAN ME.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? WOULD IT BE BETTER TO WIDEN THE HOLE BEYOND THE TREE THEN EXTEND THE BOOM, PLANT THE BUCKE LET OUT THE OUTRIGGERS THEN RELEASE AND REPLANT THE BUCKET? WAIT, WAIT, WE'LL WE'LL HUMOR YOUR LITTLE EXPERIMEN BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO SLOW DOWN.
ON YOUR LEFT THERE, PULL THE EXTENDER AS FAR BACK LEFT, IS IT? YEAH, THE LEVER CLOSEST TO ME.
TAKE THAT IN YOUR HAND.
GOOD.
( both groaning ) MY LEGS.
WELL, YOU HAVEN'T MOVED IN ABOUT 50 HOURS.
THANKS, BUT NO THANKS, HAL'S FRIEND.
WHERE IS HAL? HUH, HANK? HAL'S GONE.
YEP.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
YOU THINK YOU CAN IGNORE ME FOR TWO DAYS AND THEN ACT LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED? ALL RIGHT, LOOK, YOU GUYS ARE SOMETHING HAL WILL NEVER BE-- MY NEIGHBORS.
APOLOGY ACCEPTED.
Bill: FRIENDSHIP IS OUR COUNTRY'S SWEETEST WINE.
Hank: ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE VERY DELIRIOUS.
SO, I WAS THINKING, ON THE BACKHOE RENTAL YOUR FRIEND HAL SHOULD CHIP IN.
I MEAN, HE USED IT, TOO.
Hank: I CAN PUT YOU BACK IN THE GROUND.
( Dale gurgling ) ( spits, gulps )