Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s04e08 Episode Script

Regarding the question of transport, it's very simple.
One - Sid will always drive us in his van.
Two - Ivy won't let him.
Three - we've got no transport.
Of course, when I was in the army, I simply had to lift the phone and order my jeep.
You never had a jeep! I had a jeep.
I bet it had a bell on and pedals! What would a poxy corporal sign-writer be doing with a jeep?! It's unfair of you to ask me military questions when you know my lips are still sealed by the provisions of the Official Secrets Act.
General Patton had a jeep.
Two, with pearl handles.
I don't see what we're worried about transport for, any road.
We're not off anywhere Hey! Move it! Go on.
But if we had transport, we might have decided to go somewhere.
We might have got up this morning, looked out over all them hills, thought, "how boring", and decided to go somewhere.
Where? I was speaking generally.
Hypothetically, if you like.
There's no reason for you to be demanding specific details in your tatty hat.
Oh, right.
Of course, his judgment has gone to pieces.
He's bound to feel a certain family nervousness standing this close to a police station.
I've got nothing to hide.
Correction.
You have got something to hide.
It's just that you're so damn careless about hiding it.
.
.
You fail to understand, constable, you are talking to somebody not altogether unknown to certain colleagues of yours in Stoke-on-Trent.
You've no business dealing with me Look! The lesser common criminal.
It's Amos Hames.
You haven't heard the last of this.
You'll be receiving a communication from my solicitor.
He's the biggest solicitor in Stoke-on-Trent! Why don't you try interviewing him? Police corruption, that's what it is.
Corruption and sheer brutality.
Never heard anything like it.
How do, Amos?! Oh, my God.
That's a novelty.
A talking notice board.
Eh up, Amos.
The nerves are all shot.
Of course they're shot.
I've just had the most unpleasant interview with Starsky and Hutch.
Who, as a double act, will never be as funny as Hitler and Himler.
Adolph and Heiney! Toured Europe in the early '40s.
A gag, a goose-step und a song.
You don't get any better.
It's kind of you to say so.
Well, Compo, eh? Compo Simonite! I thought it were thee.
I thought that's Amos coming out the porky.
The interview room.
I beg your pardon? That's all I was coming out of - the interview room.
Nothing criminal.
Just a small civil misunderstanding.
Well, what are you all doing, living in that old notice board? I mean, I knew times was hard, but You, Compo, you look well.
I like your socks Considering your overall state of health, I think you look better Eh, what? I'm sorry, Foggy.
I forgot you didn't know Amos.
I haven't had that pleasure.
You'll love Amos.
He's a laugh a minute.
I'm not sure I'm so easily taken in by that kind of superficial charm.
Amos.
Foggy Dewhurst.
Foggy Dewhurst? Sounds like an industrial disease! Go on then.
Say how do.
They don't need your two pen' worth.
It's not love at first sight! No! Just a minute, just a minute! You can see what's happened.
Your strap's got caught in mine.
I know.
Why don't we just stand still? Well, that's what I was about to suggest.
Why don't we go for a quick one? Did you see that man? He could have had the entire sleeve off.
He's not going to bear a grudge, is he? Don't worry thyself.
It's just that he's a bit tall.
I mean, in some quarters, he could be regarded as a big fellow.
Ex-regular army.
He's not, is he? Karate expert.
Oh, my God! Don't worry yourself, Amos.
He's just a big fairy.
Damn nasty, some of these fairies.
How long's thee been back, then, Amos? Oh, I'm just here for the day.
We used to see thee mam now and again.
She liked to complain about her ankles.
Oh, she had terrible ankles.
Fluid.
Pardon? It would be fluid.
What's he on about? Fluid on the ankles.
That's what it would be.
Causes swelling.
Very common complaint, swollen ankles.
Even horses get it.
That's why thee mam never got better, Amos! You should have had her on to the vet.
He's full of tact, your mate, isn't he? Suggesting that my mother suffers from a mare's complaint.
I implied no such thing.
Talking of a mayor's complaint, have you seen that latest photograph of the Lady Mayoress? I was merely pointing out the similarity between the human and the equine foot.
What's an equine foot? And the bit goes between the teeth for steering purposes.
LAUGHTER That's all right, Clegg.
You just talk among yourselves.
Well, I think it's time for another round.
Not for me, thanks.
Yes, well, quite often on Tuesdays, back in the barracks, we used to gather in the PMs hut and do our That doesn't surprise me in the least.
A chuffing corporal sign-writer? Master of the Gothic script.
Good hand with a pen, is he? I won the Northern Command Freehand Italic Trophy with a little thing I knocked up for the Adjutants Christmas party.
Well, penmanship.
You know, that is a skill I have always admired.
I'd love to trace out a picture of our beloved Queen.
Well, I think that's very commendable.
Oh, yes.
In all her robes.
Very regal.
Just how she looks on five pound notes.
Cor blimey! Yes, your mam says you've been living in Stoke-on-Trent.
Only for a time.
I've been moving about a bit.
I'm glad about that.
You don't like to think of anybody being long in Stoke-on-Trent.
Our Wendy had thick ankles.
She tried everything.
Massage, exercise Shoplifting.
That were only because she were depressed.
Oh, I see.
Would that be when she was caught in the Co-op or when she was caught in the Chelsea Swinger boutique? I don't remember.
I expect it would have been the Co-op.
I expect everybody gets a bit depressed in a Co-op.
I know I did.
Well, what are they after thee for then, Amos? Who? The constables.
It's atrivial misunderstanding.
Bit shifty, isn't he? He can't be all that bad, he's getting a round in.
Trust you to be impressed by the moral factor.
Look, I don't want to enter into a technical discussion about whether Amos is or is not a criminal.
Let's start from the first principles of common humanity and check and see whether you've still got your wallet.
What are you talking about? Hey! Put it away.
It's all paid for.
I've been away all these years, scratching for a living among the heathen Come back and in five minutes, here I am, accepted.
That's what I call friendliness and trust.
Shall we drink to that? Friendliness and trust.
(Friendliness and trust).
Friendliness and trust! Oh! TAPS CUE ON FLOOR I wish I could learn to chalk my cue like that.
I think that's real class being able to chalk your cue like that.
Yes and where's he learnt it all? You don't pick this up unless you're in some very funny company.
What makes me shudder is I nearly suggested playing for money.
I wouldn't mind not playing at all if I could just chalk my cue like that.
I suppose this is how the big jobs are planned.
They thrash out the details over innumerable games of snooker.
I wouldn't have minded being a famous criminal.
You know, keeping a greyhound and a bird in a flat with big knockers.
They mostly have doorbells.
I would have bought her a white telephone.
Oh, yeah.
Very suitable, considering your sort of language.
Like an inflammable ashtray.
Red into that pocket and then the white up there ready for another black.
All right, partner? Listen, Foggy, you sit there being sceptical in this hallowed atmosphere of stale beer and billiard chalk, but what big jobs do you mean? I mean, what big jobs are planned over innumerable games of snooker? Payrolls, banks.
THEY LAUGH Why should Amos be doing payrolls and banks? Listen, corner of Epworth Street.
Is that bank still open? Whatever are you doing? Sorry, it just seemed as though somebody walked over me safe.
Me grave! Not to worry.
Me mum always said on occasions like this it were good for the carpet.
Your mum ought to know.
She had it done on more carpets than anybody else did.
I'm perfectly all right.
Don't fuss.
It's just that me left ventricle suddenly did a flip.
I could feel it fluttering against my ribcage like some wild Australian budgie.
A real ocker.
That's just how my late company commander went.
What? As an ocker? Drinking beer in his undershirt from a can, calling everybody Sheila? Now, look.
Don't start talking in small groups and low tones.
Oh dear.
Oh dear.
That's voodoo.
I've seen it happen time and time again round here.
Some poor devil in bed and then a little group falls all talking in low tones and the next thing you know, they're riding in big cars to the funeral.
It has to be faced.
It's no good shirking it.
Look, it was only a slight flutter.
I'm not going to die, am I? We've talked it over, and we've decided that, under the circumstances, it's only fair that you should pay for the glass.
LAUGHTER It's hardly changed at all, do you know? Why do you wanna know about the bank, Amos? Why don't you just ask him straight out? What are you getting so coy about? It was you who started it.
Why do you want to know about the bank, Amos? I don't want him alarming unnecessarily.
If he suspects we know anything, we could all finish up down some dark alley.
Eh, up.
I started down some dark alley.
What's wrong with dark alleys? I were a slum child and don't thee forget it.
Well, I shouldn't boast about it.
It's hardly the Kennel Club, is it? No, but it it were a bit like a kennel.
I remember your mam used to bite postmen.
She was sick of receiving begging letters.
Your mother got begging letters? All the time, from people begging her to stop writing begging letters.
Why are you looking at the bank, Amos? It's no business of ours, Amos! Of course it's our business.
Do you know what a small depositor is? I mean, in addition to your ferrets.
Of course I know what a small depositor is.
Well? There's a bit more traffic than there used to be.
Hurry up.
He's planning his getaway.
Get away! That's it, you've got it.
Now, what is a small depositor? Shut up.
I'm thinking.
Thinking? If they ironed your brain flat, it wouldn't make a decent beer mat.
A small depositor is a man in the street who happens to have a few pounds in the bank.
I knew that.
He's a liar! Now we're getting somewhere.
You're a liar.
Right.
And Foggy is a small depositor.
Very small.
And my money is in that bank.
So you see why it is my business, if your criminal former companion is thinking of absconding with the contents.
Where is he? Oh, my God! In broad daylight! He's only looking.
That's true, Foggy.
We don't know that he actually plans to do anything.
Did he have a bulge? Pardon? In his armpit.
I don't suppose he'd feel much like robbery, Foggy, if he's got mumps.
His weapon, you fool.
REGIMENTAL DRUMMING I'll serve you in a minute, Mrs Batty.
I think this white car came in first.
It's not ours.
We've never seen it before.
It just followed us here.
We tried speaking to it harshly.
Yes, I heard you.
And I'll thank you never to employ that vocabulary again quite so close to my sniper's ear.
The what? Sniper's ear.
It's been trained to pick up every sound.
And I heard that.
I knew there would be trouble when three men came in backwards.
That's the first time in ever come in backwards.
You daren't turn your back on them runaway cars.
They'll have you.
The only thing to do is to stare them straight in the headlights.
He's not right! What were you doing to the woman? I were staring at her straight in the headlights.
I knew there would be trouble when they painted them double yellow lines down the street.
They can't park outside, so now I've got the first drive-in chip shop in Yorkshire.
Well, your prices have all been fairly mobile.
There's no better value round here! Has the instructor taken over? No, I don't think so.
Oh, it must be awful for him.
Day after day, putting their life in the hands of some learner's feet.
Here, her from Digby's cleaners said her instructor was that nervous, she couldn't stop him grabbing her leg.
I've heard about that one.
With the small beard from Arnold Street.
Still, he keeps getting them through.
ENGINE REVS Ooh! She's too old to learn, bless her.
I don't think you can cope with the Highway Code once you're going through her time of life.
It's true.
Nothing new comes natural after your 45th birthday.
My husband's just wasted 4.
25 on an illustrated sex manual to find that out.
Does he want to sell it? Oh! They're all like.
They expect life to be all model trains and cheeky nighties! Is it fully illustrated? You must be joking.
I couldn't eat solid food for a week.
Oh! I wish he'd hurry up.
God knows what your friend Amos is up to under cover of all this excitement.
We'd better get out of the way.
If she's not in reverse when she lets that lot go, she'll be coming through here at about 90.
Here, where's raggy britches? Oh, he's back there somewhere.
What have you been doing to Nora Batty? I tried to press her to take a warm chip.
Here, take one.
Just one, not a great handful! No, thank you.
I don't eat chips in the street.
Where does he eat 'em, then? In the quiet of his lonely room, behind locked doors.
Oh, no wonder he has to wear glasses.
Right, now where's Amos? Oh, well he doesn't seem to be here.
No, he doesn't seem to be here either.
I know he's not here, but where is he? Well, maybe he's gone for a coffee.
In a bank? Oh no, not in a bank.
Who says he's in a bank? We left him staring at the bank.
Casing it.
Eh up, casing it - hark at The Godfather.
Your imagination is getting overheated, Foggy.
I mean, just look at this bank.
Any self-respecting market trader has a wallet bigger than that.
What he's saying, Fearless, is why should anybody come all the way from Stoke-on-Trent to do a little country bank like this? It wouldn't even pay for the petrol.
Oh, my God, they're going to walk straight into the waiting arms of your friend, Amos.
Well, don't do anything hasty, Foggy.
I'll go and see if he's in there.
You will do nothing except under my command.
This is an emergency.
Now you will station yourself on that corner and prevent innocent civilians from walking into the line of fire.
Oh 'eck, his stripes are showing again.
It's not the 5th Gurkhas you've got to play with, Foggy, he's got an unemployed bad back and I'm a redundant lino salesman.
Just take your cue from me.
I'm determined to seize the moment.
Halt there, man, that's far enough.
I order you to take that money back into the van.
I'm on your side! What the hell's going on? It's Foggy, seizing the moment.
Let me out of here! I insist you let me out.
How many were they? Oh, just some lone desperado.
Terrible staring eyes.
He looked like some sort of lunatic to me.
Yes, yes, he did.
LAUGHTER For 20 minutes in there, they were very suspicious.
It was as though the name Dewhurst counted for nothing.
Didn't they know it was the byword for being crackers? And where were you when the chips were down? It's funny you should say that.
Potato prices keep falling but how often do you find that the chips are down? I finally established my innocence by means of a phone call to my solicitor who responded promptly by saying, "Dewhurst, do I know Dewhurst?" It was only when I reminded him that I'd once tried to engage him regarding the possibility of our making a citizen's arrest of one of those Russians spy trawlers that always fish inside our limits, it was only then that he remembered me and he said, "Oh, that Dewhurst.
" Fine thanks you get for a public-spirited gesture.
Hold there, man, that's far enough! Oh, you! Here, where is he, your pen friend? You've not lost sight of him again, have you? He'll be running amok in the High Street.
He went back home to Stoke-on-Trent for the rest of his natural life perhaps.
I wonder how many ever get paroled from Stoke-on-Trent.
Oh, he sent his regards.
I wonder why it is there are some spots you can squeeze and some spots you can't.
There are very few spots on you one would care to squeeze.
I meant pimples.
Oh, how fascinating.
We were married all them years and never had children.
Do you think flannelette causes impotence? A funny thing about civilian life, you can't keep your boots clean.
Dost tha believe in acupuncture? For cleaning boots? No.
For headaches.
I believe if you had your head stabbed often enough with a needle, it would give you a headache, yes.
They're supposed to cure headaches.
What's all this about acupuncture and headaches? Have you got a headache? No, but I were filled with wonder at the idea that if I did have an 'eadache, it could be cured in a flash by sticking a needle in my kneecap.
And another in your welly.
The Chinese go about fiddling with needles because they haven't got aspirin up to British standards.
Well, they've got the atom bomb.
But they've got no bombers to deliver it with.
The enemy that's due to get it will have to go and fetch it.
It's called a Chinese takeaway.
Are you sure your dubious friend Amos really has gone home? He's gone home.
What was he doing in the bank? Well, he went in to see if they remembered him.
He wanted to cash a cheque.
But they wouldn't.
Oh, so they did remember him.
It don't matter anyroad, Cleggy cashed it for him.
You cashed a cheque for him? You didn't?! You've got to have a bit of confidence in people, Foggy.