Rules of Engagement s04e08 Episode Script

Timmy.
Sir, I have your lunch right here.
Where's my lunch? It's here, I'm assembling it.
Daddy's tum-tum needs his sam-sam.
It's coming.
Yeah, sooner.
Lunch.
Lunch.
Lunch.
Won't be a minute.
Lunch.
Won't be a second.
On my way.
Blah, blah, blah.
Where is it? My lunch.
Where is it? Your lunch, sir.
Timmy? Hm? Yes? My sam-sam has a boo-boo.
Oh, does it, now? And the chips are much smaller than usual.
Well, on the brighter side, sir, there are more of them.
Any theories? Now, that you mention it, I did notice there was a new counter man at the deli.
Perhaps he was a little careless with your sam-sam.
Perhaps.
Hm.
Well Well, I'll be sure to give him a "what for".
In the meantime, sir, try to enjoy your lunch.
Timmy! Dude, what did you get on your blouse? Oh, soda pop.
I assumed it was dried up mace.
No, mace dries clear.
Something's up with Timmy.
Why do you think that? Because lately my lunch has been a little smashy.
Like it's been punched.
Oh, it was a punched sandwich, like they have in France.
You mean a-a pressed sandwich? Oh, well, clearly you're the expert.
Well, all signs point to Timmy, but why would he abuse my food? Shot in the dark: he hates you.
Um, you're not there every day.
You don't know.
I'm there.
He hates you.
# How many ways To say, "I love you?" # # How many ways To say that I'm not scared? # # With you by my side # # There is no denyin' # # I can't wait For me and you # Oh, gotta go.
Hey, listen, Jeff, for dinner, I'm gonna defrost that thing in the back of the freezer.
You know that thing that was there when we moved in? Dinner? There's no dinner, it's Tuesday.
It's your girl's night.
Oh, no.
No more girl's night.
The group had whittled down to me and Molly.
And Molly took that job in Chicago.
I told you this the other night, before bed.
Right, I clearly stayed awake for all of that story.
Tonight just you and I'll hang out.
Maybe later we can pull out the paint samples and finally solve the puzzle of our powder room.
Super.
This is a nightmare.
Hm, well, if you need help I really have a good eye for color.
I don't give a crap about the color.
What I want is a girl's night.
Great.
I need a credit card and bring some cash for tipping.
Audrey's girl's night.
It's my one free free night.
Free free night? Yes, a free night that I don't have to ask for because Audrey's already got plans.
So she's not letting me do something, so I don't owe her anything.
Boy, I hear this guy and I think, I'll never get married.
Ooh, not so loud.
We don't want the women of New York all killing themselves.
Uh, so, what do you do on your free free night? Whatever the hell I want.
The point is, I get to do it alone.
Now you'll never do it again.
Exactly.
Which is why for our powder room, I'm leaning towards the color of my blown out brains.
Well, I'm not afraid to admit that, you know, when Jen goes out with her girlfriends, I miss her.
Wait, Jen has a girl's night? Yeah.
And he misses her Are we gonna skim over how gay this is? Just for now.
When is it? Well, actually, she's having one tonight.
Uh, all right.
I gotta go.
I got Well, wait.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, what was the thing? When Jen's gone he misses her.
Oh, right.
Gay.
Hey.
Hey.
I need to talk to you.
I'm coming in.
Wait, is Audrey not with you? No, Audrey does not know that I'm here.
Okay, this is weird.
I heard that you're going out with your girlfriends tonight.
Not getting less weird.
I need you to do me a favor.
Invite Audrey.
What? Oh, she used to have this weekly girl's night, but the last one of 'em just moved away and she's really broken up about it, so Too bad.
But this is a group of friends from college.
Well, Audrey went to college.
But we went to the same college.
I'm not sure she'd be interested.
Oh, well, look, I know some of her stories can be long-winded, and they don't always have a point, and the work talk can be pretty punishing.
Interested.
I'm not sure she'd be interested.
What are you kidding? She's interested as hell.
All right, what's in this for you? What are you talking about? Oh, so you're just doing something completely unselfish, just out of love for your wife? Yep.
Nothing in it for you.
No.
I've got nowhere to be.
Okay, but she won't know anybody.
She'll know you and booze.
She'll do fine.
All right, sure.
I'll invite her.
Great.
Thanks.
And, um, please don't tell her that I asked? She has trouble making friends.
Largely 'cause of me.
I get that.
In fact, when I saw you through the peephole just now, I almost didn't open the door.
I get that.
Timmy? Can I see you for a second? Yes, sir? Timmy, you happy here? Enjoying the gig? Reasonably, sir.
Some days are better than others.
Hm.
Well, I just happened to be looking at some building surveillance tapes and I'm guessing that, uh, this wasn't one of your better days.
Sir, when I sipped and spit out your iced tea, I wasn't thinking clearly because I'd walked around all day with an apple in my pants.
I was tenderizing the Danish.
Of course, my favorite.
Will that be all, sir? Couple of bad days in a row, huh, Timmy? Okay, I admit it.
I can't take it anymore.
The abuse, the exploitation, the ritual humiliation.
It's all part of my new program.
My tough love approach to management.
Tough love, sir? Sit.
Timmy, I'm like an army drill sergeant.
You hate me marching you through the rain, but when in the jungle, and Charlie's bringing the heat, you'll thank me for everything I taught you.
The point is, my former assistants have gone into management, finance, marketing, heck, some of them retired comfortably off the settlement money alone.
In fact, I just got an invite from my last assistant, Maynard, to the launch party for his latest project.
And what does Maynard do? He came in here a sniveling little piece of crap like you.
No offense, tough love.
But after he left he became a hugely successful video game designer.
Really? Would I lie to you? With only short breaks for sleeping.
Well, you know what? Come check it out yourself.
You can pick his brain to see what he learned.
Uh, well, at this point, sir, I'll try anything.
One more thing, Timmy.
Oh, dear God.
Sir, that's not me.
I know, that's me having sex with the girl on the third floor.
You're not the only one who knows how to tenderize the old Danish.
Hey.
What are you doing? Oh, I, uh, defrosted that thing in the freezer and it started moving.
I figured we'd just order Chinese.
What do you like? We have Hunan Garden, Hunan Palace, or if you're more in a Dragon mood we have Imperial, and Twin, and Oh, my God, there's Hunan Dragon.
Uh This is your night? Moo shu, sweats and me? Why not just wear a T-shirt that says, "I give up"? Well, I could've gone out with Jen and her college friends What do you mean "could've"? That sounds like a great time.
I just wasn't in the mood to meet new people.
Are you kidding me? You could be getting in on the ground floor of a super fun bunch.
What's going on here? Nothing.
I just want you to have some great ladies to hang out with.
That's it? Yeah.
There's nothing in it for you? Nope.
I've got nowhere to be.
You win.
Here's the truth.
I know how much you used to look forward to your girl's night out, and now that you don't have it anymore, well, you seem a little sad.
But I'm not sad.
Oh, come on, you're dead inside.
Aud, I just want you to get out there and have some fun.
Come on.
You know what? Great.
Why not? All right.
You'll be all right by yourself? I will manage.
Oh, and go easy on those work stories, you know, you wanna get invited back.
Please, God, be the wrong apartment.
Hey, hon.
How did this happen? Well, we started at Jen's place and then everyone wanted to see our apartment I'm sorry, I thought you'd gone out.
I went out to get some supplies.
Ooh, what'd you get? Hey.
Quit that.
Give me that.
Jen just thought it'd be more fun if we hung out here.
It's such a hassle to go out.
No, out Out is fun, I was just there.
Hey, you guys.
We got beer.
You don't have beer.
I've got beer.
Oh, look.
Oh, not my tortilla chips.
They're shaped like tiny bowls to hold the salsa.
Salsa but no guac? Weak, Jeff.
Hi.
Get out.
What? Why? Jen was supposed to take Aud out tonight, but now they're all over at my place, dipping my fancy chips into my salsa.
Hey, you are more than welcome to join me at this party with Russell.
Oh, thanks, but let's just stick with you getting out of here.
That way I can still salvage my free free night.
Where's the booze? All we have is watermelon schnapps.
Oh, dear God.
Get some.
What's wrong with your TV? Well, Jen hooked it up to the karaoke and now I can't get it back to TV.
You let a woman mess with your electronics.
That's smart.
Yeah, and you are sitting in my apartment begging me for schnapps because clearly you know how to handle the ladies.
Ugh.
Look around, Timmy.
This is all for my former assistant.
A guy very much like yourself, except for instead of video games, you'll make your mark in whatever a kid from England South Africa.
Grew up dreaming about while he was helping out in his dad's fish 'n' chips wagon.
Law firm.
Hey, there he is.
Russell, I'm really jazzed you could make it.
Yeah, of course you are.
Hey, Timmy, this is my old assistant, Maynard.
Hello.
I was telling Timmy when you came from Korea Cleveland.
You were greener than snot.
But after a few years of my tough love, now you're a big deal.
Yes, I am.
And I'll tell you, you did inspire me.
Are you saying that working for Mr.
Dunbar was a good thing? I can honestly say that tonight wouldn't have been possible without him.
Well, I can't take all the credit.
Okay, I'll take all the credit.
Hey, listen, can you point out which of these ladies are paid for? Uh, I should mingle.
Oh.
Still American.
Did you hear that? "Owes it all to me.
" That's not exactly what he said.
Well, he kind of did.
I take your point, sir, but I'm still not sure how working for you could be a stepping stone to Boobs ahoy, starboard side.
Whoa, this is great, huh? I can't believe I'm blowing my free free night in a room full of guys who pop a rod every time they see a robot.
I agree, man, bot heads are dorks.
I'm more of a gamer.
Really? Tell me less.
Yo, now that these programmers have gotten used to the new platforms, we're living in a golden age of video games.
I would like to be alone with the bar.
Super Martini-o Brothers? Pong Collins? What are these? Theme drinks.
How about a bourbon straight-up? You mean a Pac-Manhattan? How about a bourbon? Hold the nerd.
Could I get a water, please? Water's not gonna get you through this.
I'm good.
It's my party.
Oh, you must be Maynard.
Jeff Bingham.
I'm sticking to water tonight.
Lot of socializing to do.
I've got a suite upstairs I probably won't see till sunrise.
Really? Here's your water.
So, uh, you into video ? Games? I lost my room key.
Could I get another, please? No problem, sir.
Name? Maynard.
And your last name? That matters? It's Chang.
Why? Excuse me, I need another room key.
My name is Chang.
Maynard Chang.
Sir, I think I'm going to leave.
What? Why? None of this is making me feel better about being in your employ.
You know what'll make you feel better? Throw down a couple of these Donkey Kongs-mopolitans.
I just don't see how Maynard's success had anything to do with working for you.
Oh, well, if it wasn't me then what was it? Oh, his Ivy League education? His strong work ethic? His ability to read and capitalize on prevailing market trends? That's a reach.
Quiet, someone who appreciates me is about to talk.
Thanks, everybody.
Um, I'm thrilled so many fans could make it here tonight.
But you're not here to see me, you're here to see my new game! What a bunch of palm jockeys.
Here we go! In a world of demons, dragons, and ogres, there is one creature more evil than all the rest.
Show yourself, foul beast.
Heh-heh.
Heh-heh.
You thinketh me a coward? You kind of are.
Smashgnome.
Oh, my gosh.
It's you.
What's me? Heh-heh, missed me.
Loser.
I'm not seeing it.
Sayonara, suck wads! Ha, classic.
Heh-heh.
Heh-heh.
Looks like Maynard has even more pent-up aggression toward you than I do.
I can't believe this.
Neither can I.
This is more inspirational than I could ever have hoped for.
You're the gnome.
No.
The gnome.
Hey, everyone, look.
The gnome's here.
No.
No.
Gnome! Gnome! Gnome! Hey.
Hey.
What? What are you doing in my room? Don't worry, I'm Maynard, um What's his name? No, I am.
Yeah, and you said you weren't gonna be back until sunrise.
I'm gonna call security.
Oh, don't bother, I'm leaving.
And save yourself 12 bucks on pay-per-view.
Genital Hospital, not gonna get you there.
Wow.
So you really broke into this guy's hotel room and stayed there till 3 in the morning? Yeah.
3:30.
Just so you could be alone? Yeah.
Why didn't you just tell me you wanted some alone time? Well, that would've been free time, but not free free time.
Uh, boy.
And why is that? Because then I'd owe you.
And sometime in the future, maybe 30 years from now, you'll say to me, "Remember that time I gave you a night to yourself?" More likely 30 years from now I'll say to you, "Wow, you look a lot like my first husband.
" Look, you know, Aud, we've been together constantly for all these years.
Aren't you thrilled when you get some time to yourself? Absolutely not.
I cherish every moment that we spend together.
I think those are the most special times You almost had me there.
I know, I couldn't land it.
Timmy! What's taking so long? Lunch, lunch.
One moment, sir.
Heh-heh.