Seinfeld s04e08 Episode Script

I think people think of their office as a stationery store with Danish.
You know what I mean? You wanna get your pastry your envelopes, your supplies your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.
Why do people that work in offices have pictures of their family on their desk facing them? Do they forget that they're married? Do they go, "5:00.
Time to hit the bars and pick up hookers.
Hold it a second.
I got a wife and three kids.
I better get home.
I completely forgot.
" - She hasn't told her father yet? - We're supposed to tell him tonight.
- What do you mean, "we're"? - Susan wants me to be there.
You're meeting the father for the first time? - Yeah.
- You'll make quite an impression when you tell him how you burned his cabin down.
I didn't burn it down.
Kramer did.
I mean, the whole thing is ironic.
Think of it.
The guy's nice enough to give you a box of very fine Cuban cigars - I know what happened.
- No, wait.
- Then you dump them off onto Kramer.
- I know.
Who proceeds to burn the man's cabin down with one of those very same cigars.
It's very comical.
Maybe we shouldn't start writing today.
I got a lot on my mind.
We've put this off long enough.
Today's the day.
I wonder how Susan's father's gonna react.
What's the worst he can do? So you burn a house down.
Come on.
Not even a house.
It's like a cabin.
We could build a cabin like that.
Well, maybe not us, but two men could.
BICs? What, did you get BICs? What, you got a problem with the pen, now? I like a Rolling Writer.
They're smooth.
All right, let's just get to work.
NBC pilot.
Seinfeld Project.
Act 1, Scene A.
So you're gonna sit there? Let me explain to you one of the key elements involved in the writing process.
Because it may seem outwardly that the pen and the paper and the chair play a large role.
But they're all somewhat incidental to the actual using of the brain.
Okay, so just Just park yourself.
All right.
Act 1, Scene A.
- Drink? - No.
No drink.
- All right.
Here we go.
- Act 1, Scene A.
- Weren't you supposed to call Elaine? - Yes.
Hi, is Elaine there? Oh, hi, Sandra.
Yeah, I can hold.
Every time I call, I gotta chitchat with her assistant for, like, 20 minutes.
Oh, hi, Sandra.
Listen, I'm at a pay phone.
There's a lot of people waiting to use it.
I'll be off in a minute! Yeah, could you put me through to Elaine? Okay, thanks.
Are you thinking of ideas? Is there any way I can get you directly? Every time I call, Sandra bends my ear for, like, 20 minutes.
So we're on for later? Yeah, I'll come by after work.
Hey, I got a rubber-pencil thing happening here.
I gotta go.
I gotta go.
Sandra? Sandra? Can you come here for a second? - Okay.
Let's go.
- Here we go.
- You got it? Here we go.
- Yeah.
Okay, how about this: I'm in my apartment.
You come in.
It's beautiful.
And what do I say? Could you do me a favor? When my friends call could you not talk to them for too long? Why, did Jerry say something? No.
No.
He must've said something.
Oh, no, he didn't say anything.
- I can't work for you.
- Oh, God.
- I can't.
I'm leaving.
- No, Sandra I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I really am.
Listen, Jerry's under a lot of pressure right now.
It's very hard being a stand-up comedian.
Sometimes they don't laugh.
- All right, let's get going.
- All right, let's go to work.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
- Hey.
- We're in the middle of something.
- We're trying to do a little work here.
- Yeah, come on.
What's with you? - No more golf.
- Why? Remember I told you about the pro at the Westchester Country Club who's letting me play every time I gave him those Cuban cigars? - Yeah.
- Yeah, well, I lost them all in the fire! Hey, George, maybe you can ask Susan's father for some more.
What are you, crazy? I can't ask the guy for more cigars after you burned down his cabin.
What's one thing got to do with another? Kramer, please.
Well, I can't go back to the public courses now.
I can't.
I won't.
I mean, you know what that's like? It's crowded.
The grass has big brown patches in it.
They don't rake the sand traps.
Not to mention the caliber of people you have to play with.
I can't help you.
You're gonna have to get them someplace else.
Where? They're Cubans.
- You know what? I should take off.
- What? I gotta go to Susan's parents' house for dinner.
I wanna shower first, and I wanna leave plenty of time.
You got four hours.
What about the script? I think we got a bite on it.
Doesn't George look like your sister Sara? A slight resemblance.
Her son's a podiatrist, you know.
Oh, I have tremendous respect for people who work with feet.
I mean, to dedicate yourself to the foot You're toiling in virtual anonymity.
I mean How are you enjoying those cigars I gave you? Oh, the cigars.
I'm sucking them down.
I'm puffing my brains out, yeah.
You know, those cigars are made special for Castro.
I did not know that.
Weird.
Wild.
- What? - He's doing Johnny Carson, Daddy.
I didn't care much for his jokes.
- Daddy never laughs.
- Oh, well, so what? Laughter.
What is that? I mean, what is the point of opening your mouth and going: What is that? You know, you can't get those cigars anywhere.
You and your cigars.
Wear some more lipstick.
Daddy, there's There's something that we have to talk to you about.
Oh, I forgot to ask you: how'd you like the cabin? Oh, the The cabin.
Well After we get off the phone you tell her? Of course she knows it was me who complained.
Now I'm responsible for this woman quitting.
- Oh, this is unbelievable.
- I know.
I screwed up.
It's all my fault.
- Would you call her? - Oh, dial the number.
How could you do this? I was just trying to help you.
Trying to help me.
Hello.
Sandra.
Hi, this is Jerry Seinfeld.
Listen, I wanted to tell you there's been a terrible misunderstanding.
See, I told Elaine that it was a real treat talking to you on the phone.
And she thought I was being sarcastic because I'm a comedian, and all.
She thought, I think, "Yeah, it's a real treat talking to her on the phone.
" But I was really being sincere.
No, of course I like you.
Tonight? Hold on a second.
- She wants to have a drink with me.
- Just go.
Go.
- Oh, I don't - Go.
Yeah, I think I can.
Yeah, I know where that is.
Okay.
I'll see you there.
Okay, bye.
Now I gotta have a drink with her.
The cabin.
Well Susan? - About the cabin - I love that place.
My father built that cabin in 1947.
My mother was recuperating from impetigo at the time and Dad thought it would be a good idea to get her out into the fresh air.
She died there the following winter.
And Dad passed away His last words to me were: "Cherish the cabin.
" Not, "Take care of your sister.
" She's a paraplegic.
But, "Cherish the cabin.
" And I have, for 45 years.
It's often been a sanctuary for me.
Kind of like Superman's Fortress of Solitude.
What? Superman.
He built a Fortress of Solitude up at the North Pole to, you know, sort of get away from it all.
When I go, I'm passing it on to her.
Well, I'll take a hotel any day.
- Daddy? - Yes.
Daddy, about the cabin.
Look, Henry, I spilled wine on me.
- What about it? - Well, the thing is - What, what is it? - Well, the cabin is kind of - George? - Burned.
- Burned? - There was a fire, and it Burned.
- The cabin burned? - Yeah, burned.
Burned? Was anything found? Was it all burned to the ground? Did they find anything? - No.
Nothing.
- Nothing? But, you know, Mr.
Ross, if you look at the whole situation what with it being your cigars and everything it's really rather ironic.
One might even say, in a sense, comical.
Really.
Think about it.
- I can't believe you said that.
- What? How could you say something like that to me? What? You were the one who was talking dirty.
I was just trying to keep up.
- That was a weird thing to say.
- Why? It didn't mean anything.
I was trying to join in so you wouldn't feel embarrassed.
- Oh, I think you're really sick.
- I'm not sick.
You said much sicker things than me.
- I'm leaving.
- You're making too much of this.
Excuse me.
- Let me walk you to a cab.
- That's okay.
The main thing is that this is just between us.
- And that'll be the end of it.
- Oh, really? I mean, people, they're not interested in things like this.
They don't wanna hear about it.
They really don't.
So we're drinking and talking.
And so she starts rubbing my leg.
Wow, what did you do? Have you ever told a woman to stop touching your leg? - Yeah.
Right.
- I know it's the wrong thing to do.
She works in Elaine's office.
But I can't get that hand off my leg.
I'm looking at the hand thinking, "That hand should not be on my leg.
" But I can't make my brain to get my mouth to say the words: "Would you mind?" Yet women have no problem getting the hand off.
How do they do that? I don't know.
They're working on a whole other level.
- All right, so go ahead.
- So then we go back to my apartment.
So we're fooling around there.
You know, it's getting a little passionate.
And she starts with the dirty talking.
All right, all right.
Hold on.
Time out.
- What did she say? - You know.
The usual.
No, I don't know.
How do I know the usual? - Typical things.
- What's typical? Give me typical.
She says That's very dirty.
That's absolutely filthy.
And then she starts talking about her panties.
I'm gonna need some water here.
So I said something.
Okay, what did you say? Now, bear in mind, I am just trying to keep up.
- Of course.
- Okay.
So she's talking about her panties.
So So I said: "You mean, the panties your mother laid out for you.
" "The panties your mother laid out for you"? - What does that mean? - I don't know.
It just popped out.
- Well, how did she react? - She flipped out.
Just left.
Well, that's not offensive.
It's abnormal, but it's not offensive.
Look, the main thing is I don't want Elaine to know about any of this.
I mean, especially the pantie remark.
I mean, it's embarrassing.
She'd never let me hear the end of it.
What if this girl says something? She will.
She's going back to work.
I talked her into it.
How stupid was that.
So Susan's father took that news pretty hard, huh? Yeah.
He went into the bedroom and started sobbing.
- Guess he didn't see the humor in it.
- Yeah.
- Let's go.
We got a lot of work to do.
- All right.
- Big workday.
- That's right.
- Okay.
- Let's go.
- Right now.
- Let's do it.
- Okay.
- All right.
- What do you got? - I got, you enter, you go, "Hi.
" And I go, "Hello.
" Now, we need something here.
- Oh, hey.
- Kramer! Hey! - Buddy! - You guys are working.
I'll come back.
- No, no! Come on.
- No, no! No, you guys should get back to work.
- Don't leave.
We're taking a break.
- Oh, yeah? George, did you talk to that guy about getting more cigars? I told you.
I'm not gonna do that.
Okay.
Well I guess I'm just gonna have to take matters into my own hands, huh? All right.
I'll see you guys.
Where are you going? Don't run off like that.
Okay - I need to talk to someone.
- Well, what is this about? Well, it's a very private matter, but extremely urgent.
- Are you an American? - Oh, yeah.
I see.
- Excuse me.
- Okay.
- Okay, let's get going.
- Let's get focused here.
Come on, now.
Come on, let's get it together.
- Yeah? - It's Elaine.
Come on up.
All right, you know what we should do? We should go to the movies.
- Get away from the script for a while.
- We should.
I just have to go over to the Rosses' and drop off Susan's sunglasses.
- Come with me? - Yeah.
Does she live with them? No, no.
- Hey, nice going, Jerome Seinfeld.
- What? I just got a message from Sandra.
She's coming back to work.
Well, then you've just gotta fire her.
Don't even think about it.
There's no two ways about it.
- Why, what happened? Did you talk? - Talk? Did I talk? l You're darn right I talked to her.
We talked up a storm.
I've concluded, from the basis the those talks that this isn't anybody you should be talking to.
- You really think I should fire her? - Oh, yeah.
In fact, if George and I weren't so busy working, I'd do it myself.
What is your name, señor? Kramer.
So Señor Kramer, what is this about? - Cigars.
- Cigars? - Cigars.
- What about cigars? See, here, l I saved one of the cigar rings.
- You mean, one of these.
- Yeah, yeah.
That's them.
Okay, so I'd like to buy a couple of boxes of those from you.
You realize, of course, these are illegal in your country.
Well, illegal, huh? I like that jacket.
- Hi! - Hi.
How are you? - Hey, Jerry.
- Hi.
I thought you guys were working today.
- Just taking a little break.
- Yeah.
- Oh, here's your sunglasses.
- Oh, thanks.
Come on in for a second.
This is my brother Ricky.
He's home from college for the weekend.
Hey, there, young fella.
- What's your major? - I don't have one.
Well, you should always consider podiatry.
Nothing wrong with the feet.
And this is my aunt, Sara.
He doesn't look like me.
Sara, what do you have on your wheels? Nothing.
They're clean.
Ricky, did you wipe her wheels off? - Yes.
- Well, they're filthy.
It's just a matter of common courtesy.
You come in the house, you wipe your wheels.
Excuse me.
Hello, Raymond.
The man from the insurance company dropped this off.
Said it was the only thing left from the remains of the fire.
Oh, thank you.
Wow, I've never seen this before.
Oh, they're letters.
- Here.
- Oh, sure.
From From John Cheever! "Dear Henry last night with you was bliss.
I fear my orgasm has left me a cripple.
I don't know how I shall ever get back to work.
I love you madly, John.
P.
S.
Loved the cabin.
" - Well, we really should be - Yeah, look at the time.
heading out.
You know, it's a time The box! My letters! Give me that! Who told you to open it? Who's John? Who's John?! - I knew it.
- I wanna know who John is! John Cheever? Dad! You and John Cheever? Yes.
Yes, he was the most wonderful person I've ever known.
And I loved him deeply.
In a way you could never understand.
Well, we really should be heading out.
Jerry hates to miss the coming attractions.
- Yeah, and because of the time.
- Yeah.
Time is what he's indicating there.
Anyway, onward and upward.
- Here we go.
- Let's go.
- Come on, now.
- Right now.
- You and me.
No fooling.
- You got it.
- All right, what do you got? - I got, you come in, you say, "Hi.
" And then I say, "Hello.
" - All right.
So we need something.
- Yeah.
How about this: I say, "How's it going?" "How's it going?" Beautiful.
- Come on.
We were just on a roll now.
- All right.
- Did you get that line? - "How's it going?" - Did you write it down? - I'm writing it.
"How's it going?" - Real good! - What? You know how much money you cost me today? $429.
- What, how? - I got Sandra transferred to another office upstairs, okay.
So she blabs to Lippman about my long-distance calls to Europe! - What calls? - I made a friend when I was in Europe.
And we've been in touch, and Sandra told Lippman! Did she say anything else to you? Anything else? What do you mean, "anything else"? So she just left the office didn't say a word to you about anything? - Yeah.
- Beautiful.
Why is that beautiful? Oh, no.
Not beautiful.
It's $429! Hey, look, I'm gonna pay for that.
- No, no.
- No, I insist.
I was the one that encouraged you to fire her.
- The whole thing was all my - Okay.
Fault.
Do you smell smoke? Oh, hey! Hey, Jer, I want you to meet my new friends here.
This is Luis, Jorge and Umberto.
- Hey.
- How you doing? Nice to meet you.
Yeah, we're heading up to Westchester.
Gonna hit the links.
- Yeah.
- Hey, isn't that your? Oh, yeah.
Okay.
We're going.
All right.
Hey, what are you reading? The Falconer, by John Cheever.
It's really excellent.
John Cheever.
You ever read any of his stuff? Yeah, I'm familiar with some of his writing.
You know.
Look, we gotta get back to work.
We just had a big breakthrough.
- Okay.
I'll leave you two alone.
- Okay.
Maybe I'll visit my mother.
She just bought me some new panties, and they're all laid out for me.
There's this whole talking-during-sex business.
I mean, what are we doing here? The question is does the talking really improve the sex? Or is the sex act now just there to spice up the conversation? Eventually, I'm sure people will get too lazy even for phone sex.
They'll start having phone machine sex.
"Yeah, I want you really bad.
Just leave it on the tape.
" Then, I guess, the phone company will come out with sex-waiting.
That'll be the new thing.
"Yeah, hold on, honey.
I got another call.
Oh, hi, baby.
One second.
Honey, I've gotta take this.
Yeah, I've got sex-waiting on the other line and I've got to take this.
"