Family Guy s04e09 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who Positively can do all the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Okay, now, don't wander too far, kids.
You know, more children get kidnapped at the grocery store than anywhere else.
- Hey.
- You got me! - Not quick enough.
- Not quick enough, no.
- No, I was close, though.
- You were close.
I'm gonna go get some oranges, Stewie.
Here, hold the rest of these bags for Mommy.
What brilliant parenting, Lois.
Leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag.
You know, I might asphyxiate myself, just to teach you a lesson.
Here I go, just like that boy from INXS.
I am going to do it.
Blast! Good Lord, Lois either I was a C-section or you're Wonder Woman.
Chris, would you run and get some milk? And be sure to take it from the back.
- Chris, where have you been? - I don't know.
- $53.
98.
- Oh no, I forgot to go to the bank.
I'm a little short.
I'll have to put the ham back.
You know, I got some candy in my van, if your kid wants some.
Oh, great! - Wait a second! - You got me! You got me.
- I'll get him, though.
I'll get him.
- I bet you will.
I bet you will.
Is that ham? I thought you put that back.
Oh - No, I put the other ham back.
- I don't remember another ham.
Well, you were too busy eyeballing that Redbook - with Glenn Close on the cover.
- Hey, she is a handsome woman.
Well, well! Look who's carrying a little flame for Glenn Close.
What a surprise! Although it's not the first time you've surprised me.
I have so much stuff to do today.
I have to do laundry, then I have a piano lesson then I have to make dinner.
I am so busy.
Better hurry.
Lois, I want my graham Oh.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Playing a little dress-up? - Yeah.
- Yeah, good.
It's fun to pretend.
- So listen, if you see Lois tell her- - Graham cracker.
Graham cracker, yes, yes.
That's it.
all right, so I'm just gonna go out in the hallway and throw up about something else.
This is cute.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, that was such a rush.
Yeah.
I'm allve! - Thanks for having us over.
- Yeah, it's a wonderfuI dinner.
And on this beautifuI new china.
You guys have a lot of new stuff.
- Yeah, Lois has been splurging her ass off.
- Yeah, she has.
You know, she bought me something yesterday but I am not going to tell you what it is.
I want you to guess.
Just close your eyes.
- It's a soccer horn.
- I know what it is! Hey, is that an originaI Matisse? Hey, Bonnie.
Listen, why don't you stop with the questions, huh? You're ruining everyone's good time.
Like Peter did, when he used to entertain terminally ill kids.
Hi there.
How you all doing? all right, so I'm at the DMV the other day.
Long lines.
Long lines at the DMV.
But you'll find out all about that when you get Moving on.
So I finally tried Viagra and- We got a joker in the audience there.
You got something you want to say, there, Mr.
Heckler? Dying hurts.
Tell me about it.
So anyway, who hates flying? - Brian, what are you doing here? - I should ask you the same question.
Lois, you're in an auto parts store, steallng mufflers.
This is worse than that Winona Ryder thing.
Are you saying I am a klepto? Actually, I was talking about The Age of Innocence.
It is settled, May.
Our parents have consented and you and I are to be married on the first warm, sunny day of spring.
That would be most good, Newland, most good.
I am sorry, but she is just awfuI.
Is there any way I mean, can we add, like, a topless scene, or something? - Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah.
- We can? Great.
all right, we got a movie.
God, you're right, Brian, I'm out of controI but I don't know what to do.
I'm just hooked on the rush of shoplifting.
I haven't felt a thrill like this in a long time.
Well, I think you've had enough thrills.
Why don't you just put everything back? Okay, Brian.
You know, you really are a good friend.
Let me rub your belly.
Put it back.
Welcome back to ChanneI 5 News at 10:00.
For those of you wondering what I've been writing down as we go to commerciaI it's a cat.
Just a cat.
In other news, police are still looking for the culprit who stole a valuable Matisse painting from the Quahog Museum of Art.
A Matisse painting? Also, scientists announced today that if your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer.
Ha.
Ha.
Got you.
That's not even really news.
Oh no, Rupert, we're out of gas.
We better ask directions at that creepy, and possibly haunted, house.
A ghost! It's okay.
It's okay.
We got away just in time.
all right, now, is that everything you stole? That's everything.
You know, you really should talk to a therapist about this.
I mean, it really helped Peter out when he became obsessed with that fantasy world of his.
Yeah! - You're a little too heavy, buddy.
- Yeah! - We're going down.
- Yeah! Yeah.
You know, Lois, we're just lucky we got this under controI before the police caught onto you.
Hold it right there, Lois, you are under arrest.
Oh, crap.
all right, look, just take it easy, Joe.
all right, Lois will go peacefully.
Oh, my God, I am so embarrassed.
Let me just get my purse.
Sucker! Sorry, Lois.
Regulations.
I can't give you any speciaI treatment.
- It's okay, Joe, I understand.
- Shut up, maggot! Your Honor, I am so sorry for steallng all that stuff.
I just couldn't controI myself.
Well, Mrs.
Griffin, considering this is your first offense I've decided to go lenient and Where the hell is my gaveI? Give me that.
I sentence you to two years in the State Prison.
- Man, that is bogus.
- Order in the court! Another outburst like that, Mr.
Griffin, and I'll extend the sentence.
- Okay, three years.
- That was a sneeze.
- Four years.
- I am sorry.
- Five years.
- You douchebag.
- all right, three years it is.
- Three years in prison? Oh, my God, what have I done? Oh, man, I haven't been this upset since I watched The Blob on television.
Look out behind you, lady! It's the Blob! I'll save you.
Here you go.
Meet your new friends.
- Hi, I'm Lois.
- I'm Fisty, that's Stabby, and that's Balls.
- Pull up a chair, we're playing cards.
- Oh.
Okay.
- So, are those biblicaI names? - Yeah, Fisty is.
Boy, I sure miss Lois.
I wish she was here to clean up all this stuff.
- Hey, what's this? - Mustard.
Oh, that's right.
We had hot dogs last week.
- You gonna eat that? - The mustard on your shoulder? No.
Kids, look! Look.
A deer.
- Can we pet him? - No, no.
Just watch.
Peter! There's so much doody in here.
I can't take it any more.
I haven't eaten in four days 'cause I just can't fit any more in there.
Help me.
Okay, now when we get to your mother's cage, say hello but don't drag your ass, 'cause I want to go the reptile house.
- And we got to see those pandas.
- Peter, this isn't a zoo, it's a prison.
- Quagmire, what are you doing here? - It's conjugaI visit day.
You know, I love doing a woman in the can.
Oh, giggidy, giggidy, goo! Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire Quagmire You never really know what he's gonna do next He's Quagmire Quagmire Giggidy, giggidy, giggidy.
Let's have sex I do hope nothing happens to spoiI this fancy dinner party.
Giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, giggidy, goo.
Who else but Quagmire? He's Quagmire Quagmire Giggidy, giggidy, goo.
Oh, it is so good to see all of you.
How is everything at home? It's horrible, Lois.
I've had to do all the things that you usually do.
Like the other night, I had to go to your book club meeting.
I really admired the mother character's admission of personaI torment - after her daughter's death.
- I disagree.
I felt a totaI lack of ethicaI integrity in her readiness to abandon her children and start a life of her own.
Here's another thing: The book can also be a hat.
And the other night, I had to do a Well, you know, that thing that you usually do for me every Thursday night.
I can't believe you're serving a three-year sentence, it seems so harsh.
The only upside is that it's given me time to think about why I ended up in here.
I guess I was steallng, because I was so sick of the same old routine.
I felt like I had a void in my life.
- Like, there was a secret hole in me.
- Oh, God! And I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things.
Oh, God! And I felt wonderfuI with all those things filling that hole.
Oh, God! I did this to myself so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penaI system teach me a lesson.
That one is also sexuaI.
Well, I guess with good behavior, you could be out in two years.
I made my own bed with this one, guys.
I'm just gonna have to pay my debt to society.
Not necessarily.
I think I got an idea of how to smuggle you out.
Bye-bye, take care, now.
Have a nice day.
What do we do? Hurry! We'll hide in that van.
My God, you know what this means? - You're all accessories to my escape.
- She's right.
We're fugitives from the law.
- What the hell is wrong with you? - I'm a dog, all right.
I have a very tough time standing up in the car.
Well, then we're fugitives.
But at least the family's back together.
- I wonder where we're going.
- Calm down! I'll tell you what were going to do.
Wherever this van stops, we'll begin a new life together.
We'll blend in to the fabric of that community.
Peter, we're in Asiantown.
Well, at least I don't have to worry about the eviI monkey here.
If we're gonna hide out here in Asiantown we have to find a place to live.
Yes, and we should do nothing to draw attention to ourselves as outsiders.
Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan.
Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan.
Oh, my God! It's Jackie Chan.
Hi there! Always nice to meet a fan of my movies.
- My God, you're Ethan Hawke! - No, I'm not.
Sorry, my mistake.
My God, it's Ethan Hawke! - Mom, can we go get some food? - My God, there's Malcolm in middle! - I'm not a boy.
- Yes, you are.
- I can't believe we have to live here.
- This sucks! Tell me about it.
I haven't seen one female baby since we got here.
This place is a sausage-fest.
Come on, kids, we've been through worse.
Meg, you remember when you found out your gynecologist never finished med schooI? all right, Meg, let's take a look at that bergina.
But Peter, how are we going to support ourselves here? We'll all have to get jobs, but I'm sure we'll each find something we can do.
- Where are you from? - Tokyo.
Tokyo! Yeah, it's a great town.
- Lot of people, though.
- Yup.
You're here on business? I bet its business 'cause I had a fare earlier today that This used to be a people business, but now, I don't know.
Damn! I say, I seem to have sewn a shoe to my hand, may I go to the nurse? Replace him! Faster! So, what exactly would you say quallfies you to work as a sumo wrestler? Oh, are you kidding? I'm a born athlete, just like Greg Louganis.
Hi, I'm Peter Griffin.
You're probably asking yourself, "Which way are they gonna go? "Are they gonna make a diving-board head-injury joke? "Are they gonna make an AIDS joke? "Or are they gonna make a joke about the fact "that his last name sounds suspiciously like 'anus'?" Well, we're gonna take the high road and do a no-body-hair joke.
- Brian? - Hi, I'm Greg Louganis.
I'm totally shaven.
Terrific! Terrific.
Damn it, Swanson.
I want them found.
Mayor West, we have every avallable man looking for the Griffins.
We just don't have any leads.
Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"! Or is it? Who am I? What number did you diaI? Don't ever call here again.
I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We.
And now, ladies and gentlemen Sumo Tonight, brought to you by Asian Trix.
Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids! You share! I'm not really sure what to do here.
Boy! You've put on weight, Jackie Chan.
Oh, my God! Did you walk? Oh You're watching CBS ASIANTOWN.
- Hey, everybody, I'm home.
- Oh, you're just in time.
I ordered Caucasian for dinner.
Chris, I'm hungry.
It's your turn to keep watch for the cops.
Wait a minute, am I the only one who thinks this is nuts? We've given up our whole lives.
Come on, Brian, a change of scenery is always good.
Yes, I thoroughly enjoyed my trip to Nebraska.
So, anybody see any good movies lately? - No, not really.
- No.
Read any good books? No.
Anything new with corn? - Yeah, corn - Corn- - You betcha! - Corn- - Yeah.
- Corn is always interesting.
Hey, Mom, Mr.
Swanson's here to visit us.
What? Oh, my God, we got to get out of here! Taxi! Follow that family.
Come on, everybody, over the fence.
Ah, yes, a fence.
The cripple's naturaI enemy.
I think we lost him.
- There they are.
- Quick! Into the sewer.
- Good Lord! It's disgusting down here.
- Boy, Stewie's got the right idea.
- What the hell are you doing? - It's wet down there, Brian.
This sucks worse than that time I did cocaine with KarI Malden.
What are you getting all bent out of shape about? Well, you know, KarI, I didn't get I got virtually nothing here, you know? Look, I don't see what the problem is.
No, you wouldn't, would you? Look, all I'm saying is, I got the raw end of the deaI.
- You invited me over.
- Yeah, well, now I'm regretting it.
When I fire rockets I always pretend I shooting at Alan Alda and Jamie Farr.
Take that, wisecracking meatball surgeon! - Which way should we go? - I don't know, let's ask the Goonies.
- Take the left one.
- Thanks.
Hey, Chunk, come here.
Before you go, do the truffle shuffle.
- Oh, come on! - Do the truffle shuffle.
Childhood obesity.
Lois, come on, what are you doing? - I can't do it, Peter.
- What are you talking about? Look at us? We're running through a sewer, and it's because of me.
Look, honey, it was very sweet of you to break me out of jall but I did something wrong.
And I'm the one who should pay, not my whole family.
I'm gonna turn myself in.
You're mine now, Lois! Oh, my God, Joe! Joe, you're too heavy.
I can't hang on.
Pretend I'm your child, Lois.
Not Meg! Not Meg! Lois, you saved my life.
I say, Corey Haim! Are you with the Goonies as well? No, I just live down here.
Mine! It was so nice of Joe to work things out with that judge.
Yeah, but I'm sure gonna miss my buddies down at the sumo ring.
Dad, can you teach me how to sumo wrestle? It's not too hard, Chris.
Brian, help me demonstrate.
- Peter, maybe somebody else could- - Come on! Okay, so on the count to three, you try to push me out of the ring I try to push you out of the ring.
Okay? Ready? One, two, three! What the hell? What the hell? - Brian, I'm sorry- - No! No.
You know what? It's not cooI, Peter.
It's not cooI.