Frasier s04e09 Episode Script

It sure - Hello, Frasier.
- Niles.
- Maureen.
- Hi, Niles.
A, uh, nonfat cap, please.
- I'll pay for his too.
- Well, thank you.
My day started off with good news, and it's already getting better.
To what do I owe this largesse? Well, I'm having a pretty great day too.
See, a few months ago, I took my first tennis lesson And you've finally mastered the backhand.
No, I haven't played since.
But the guy who was teaching me Has won your girlish heart.
No, he was a loser.
But that day, he hit me this little dink shot, and I ran for it, and I stubbed my toe.
I got this big black toenail that lasted for, like, three months, and today it finally fell off.
I can wear sandals again.
- Thanks, Frasier.
- Goodbye, Maureen.
- And good luck.
- Thanks.
- Frasier, may I borrow your spoon? - Certainly.
I have an announcement.
You know, frankly, so do I.
Dad's girlfriend just told me some very big news.
Well, unless she's expecting our baby brother, my news takes precedence.
- She's not, is she? - No, no.
Guess who just won this year's Mariott Fassbinder Award for Distinguished Contribution to the Literature of Psychiatry.
Judging from the canary feathers protruding from your mouth, - I'd say you.
- Yes.
What article did you win for? A gripping case history of a narcissistic opera singer.
I called it, "Me Me Me Me Me.
" - It's very clever.
I like that.
- Yes.
Thrilled as I am, I must admit I'm a tad nervous about the awards banquet.
- Why? - Dad.
I want him there, of course, but I'm just dreading a rerun of Aunt Vi's wedding.
Yes, the hour he spent regaling the table with "Little Niles" stories.
Exactly.
Imagine an entire roomful of trained psychiatrists hearing the story of Sheldon, my imaginary protëgë.
Oh, yes, Sheldon.
That troubled little fellow who kept wetting your bed.
Well, you know, if you're thinking of excluding Dad from the event, your timing couldn't be worse.
It's his birthday this weekend.
Oh, right.
On top of that, Maureen just told me that she's decided to break it off with him.
- No.
- Yes.
Oh, dear.
What? Is it the age difference? No, no, she was quite emphatic on that point.
She just thinks they have nothing in common.
Oh, poor Dad.
I know how much he enjoyed going out with her.
Yes, just the other day he was saying that between her police badge and his handicap sticker, they could park anywhere.
Evening, Dr Crane.
Daphne, thank God you're home first.
Listen, I have to warn you.
- About what? - Dad and Maureen are on a date.
It's not going well.
She's telling him that she wants to break it off.
Oh, this vision you're getting, is it a tingly feeling and a picture in your head, or more like a husky voice murmuring in your ear? It's not a vision.
Maureen told me about this this afternoon.
Just worried about Dad.
We have to help him through this.
I wouldn't worry about your father.
People are more resilient than you think.
You know, when Joe dumped me a few weeks ago, I thought I'd lost the love of me life.
I figured I'd spend the rest of my years dwelling on what might have been.
The home we'd have made, the children running through it, growing old together.
Did I mention Joe's getting married? - Oh, I'm sorry.
- No, I'm all right.
[DAPHNE CRIES.]
Oh, Daphne.
Daphne.
That'll be fine.
I should've known that you'd hate Indian food.
No, it was great.
I just You know, it just takes a little getting used to.
Yeah, it does.
You should try it again sometime.
I think I just did.
So are you gonna come in for some coffee? No, you're not feeling too well.
I think I'll just call it a night.
I thought you said there was something you wanted to talk about.
It can wait.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi.
How was your date? Awful.
I never felt this bad in my life.
- Oh, Dad.
- Yeah.
I feel like my guts have been ripped out.
Dad, let me assure you this has nothing to do with your age.
The hell it doesn't.
This never would've happened 20 years ago.
Well, you know, Dad, I may be talking out of turn here, but Maureen told me about this.
- What? - Yes.
Yes, she came to me for advice.
That's how determined she was not to hurt you.
You see she wanted to make it perfectly clear that her breaking up with you had nothing to do with your age, but, rather, your compatibility.
You see, it's not your fault that you don't like the same food, music or movies And she didn't bring this up, did she? - No.
- Dad, I'm sorry.
- She doesn't want to see me again? - I know.
I feel so terrible.
Listen, Dad, I know exactly how you're feeling right now.
But, believe me, the pain will pass.
It may take some time.
This is great.
Or not.
Wait till I tell Sherry.
- Sherry? - Wow.
This stuff works pretty good.
We got any pretzels? Dad? Just who is Sherry? She's this great lady I met down at McGinty's.
You know, I've been trying for weeks to get up the nerve to end it with Maureen.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Good Lord.
I've been worried all afternoon about Maureen breaking your heart, and all along, you've been two-timing Maureen.
Oh.
Well, hi, Maureen.
Come in.
- Did you forget something? - Yes, I did.
Oh, don't mind me.
I was just going out.
To the powder room.
Bye-bye.
There's something that I've been meaning to say to you, and I keep putting it off.
And that's not fair to you.
What is it? I don't think it's working out.
You don't? Wow.
I didn't see that coming.
Marty, it's not the age difference.
It's just All we ever talk about is the police force, - and I enjoy that, but I just think - No, Maureen.
Now, come on.
You don't need to explain.
You know, I guess I always knew that I could never hold on to a prize like you forever.
But at least I did it for a while.
So are? Are you okay? I will be.
It just takes a little time, you know, but You take care of yourself.
Yeah, you too.
Okay.
- You old fraud.
- What? You made her believe that she'd broken your heart.
Well, of course I did.
When a woman breaks up with you, you have to act sad.
It's only polite.
Polite? My God, Dad, guilt is a very destructive emotion.
Spare me the lvy League bull.
There ain't a dame alive who wouldn't rather break a guy's heart than think she hadn't even made a dent in it.
I may not have been to Harvard, but I have been to the college of love.
Apparently on a Spillane Fellowship.
- DAPHNE: Hello, Dr Crane.
- NILES: Hey, Daphne.
- FRASIER: Hello, Niles.
- NILES: Where's the birthday boy? He's getting all dolled up for his lady friend.
You should see how excited he is.
Not half as excited as he's going to be when he sees these new videos.
Twelve cassettes of the history of World War II.
For those who thought the original was fun but too short.
This year I thought, "What the hell, give him something he wants instead of what I think he needs.
" - Very commendable sentiment.
- What did you get him? An Armani tux.
Well, my banquet's coming up.
- MARTIN: Hey, Niles.
- NILES: Hey, Dad.
- Don't you look dapper? - Well, thanks.
Yeah, I heard the door.
I thought maybe it was Sherry.
I thought we were joining her and your chums at the restaurant.
Yeah, I changed my mind.
You know, I just thought that I'm just so anxious for you to meet her.
I know you're gonna love her.
No.
Forget I said that.
I mean, you will, but I just don't wanna jinx it.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
There it is.
Frasier, answer the door, would you, please? No, wait, I'll get it.
Happy birthday.
Come on in and meet the family.
Hi.
Sherry Dempsey.
Now, Marty didn't tell me the two of you were so handsome.
Hello.
Daphne Moon.
Oh, the physical therapist.
- Right.
- Don't worry about me, honey.
I'm not the jealous type.
Anybody that keeps my Marty limber is aces in my book.
- Hey, sit down, Sherry.
Come on.
- Okay.
You know, Fras, Sherry's a big fan of your show.
Oh, yes, a big fan.
Well, as a matter of fact, when my friend Donna's marriage was on the rocks, you were the one that she called for advice.
Really? And did my advice prove helpful? That's not important.
- You cared.
That's what matters.
- Can we offer you a drink? Well, actually, since it's a special occasion, I brought some bubbly.
- Let's crack it open.
- Well.
Yes, why not? Oh, look, Frasier, Cold Duck.
- You ever had it? - Just once.
- I'll do the honours.
- Thank you.
Oh, I love this apartment.
- Wow, that's some view you've got.
- FRASIER: Thank you.
Which room's mine? Gotcha.
She's always doing stuff like that.
Oh, I love making people laugh.
To me, humour is like medicine.
Guess we're in the placebo group.
So, um Dad tells me that you, you two kids met at McGinty's.
That's right.
I tend bar there.
Saw your dad there one night looking kind of lonesome, - and I said to myself - Bottoms up.
Well, something like that.
- Here we go.
- Thank you.
- Well, happy birthday.
- Thank you.
- Yes.
- Through the lips and over the gums Look out taste buds, here it comes.
I never heard that version.
- Mmm.
- DAPHNE: Ooh.
Mmm.
DAPHNE: Ooh.
Lovely.
SHELLY: Woo! SHELLY: Oh! [MARTY COUGHS.]
I'd better be careful.
Two glasses of that, I'd be dancing on the table.
Yeah, you know, Sherry used to be on stage.
On Broadway? Las Vegas.
Ever been there? Just once.
What a town, huh? Great food, terrific theatre.
Just too darn easy to get married.
- You're separated, right? - Yes.
I've been there.
- Listen, you want my advice? - Well Don't mope.
Get right back in the saddle.
My mama always used to say to me, "Honey, the only way to get over someone is to get under someone.
" - It's cute, isn't it? - Yeah.
Well, Mama had lots of sayings like that.
I didn't know Mae West had children.
Well, hey, we'd better be going.
So if you want to freshen up or anything, you'd better do it now.
- It's down there.
- I'll show you the way.
I know what you're doing here.
You just want the reviews.
Talk me up.
No, that's not it at all.
You think you're so smart.
Well, what do you think? - Wow.
- Niles? Oh, I'll see that "wow" and raise you a "zowie.
" I'm so glad you like her.
Now, you really do, right? Yes, Dad.
- Absolutely.
- That's great.
Great.
We're gonna have to spend more time here.
You know, she's got that fourth-floor walk-up, and it's murder on my hip.
Not that I wouldn't climb the Space Needle to hear her play that banjo of hers.
Clam up, boys, she's back.
You know, I keep meaning to ask what's that lovely perfume you're wearing? Yes, I've been wondering that myself.
It's called Milady's Boudoir.
You wouldn't believe what a bargain it is.
For a hundred bucks, I could buy enough to drown myself in.
- I've got 60.
- Yeah.
NILES: Again, I'm sorry for not making it over for dinner last night, - but I had this tickle in my throat.
- Spare me your lame excuses.
We both know why you weren't there.
How was Sherry? Colourful as ever.
Last night she treated us to selections from her unpublished volume of limericks for lovers.
The last several about a well-travelled man fortuitously named Horatio.
- Oh, dear God.
Don't turn around.
- Who is it? It's Dad, and he's brought Sophie Tucker.
Oh, no.
- But this is our place.
- Don't look.
Hi.
How are you doing? - Look who's here.
- Hi, boys! Oh, wow, what a cute place this is.
I walk by here all the time and never stopped in.
Yeah, well, the boys love it here.
We should start coming here.
Make room at that table.
We'll be right back.
We're gonna get a cuppa.
Quick, Niles, pull up the ladder.
- She found our clubhouse.
- Oh.
This can not go on.
You're right.
Dad has to be politely told that even though he may enjoy her company, he has no right to What's a polite word for "inflict"? I don't know, but I'm sure you'll find one.
Me? You mean I have to do this alone? I thought the two of us would sit down and talk to him No, no, no, no.
I'm afraid you're the one who's going to be making that little speech.
Niles, both of us have a problem Ah, ah, ah, ah.
She's not invading my apartment.
I can afford to be patient.
You are a little weasel, aren't you? A little weasel whose daddy loves him.
Niles, before I forget.
About your banquet? Are we talking fancy-schmancy? That's not exactly the way it was worded on the invitation, but yes.
- Why? - Well, Daphne's got a cold, so Sherry's gonna use her ticket.
What fun.
That's coming up soon, isn't it? Maybe you should start working on that little speech.
Ooh.
So fancy dress, huh? Good.
I have got a backless leopard-skin number that is gonna knock your eyes out.
Gotcha.
Ow! I'm sorry.
I'm smushing you.
No, that's all right.
We were just leaving.
- Ah, you gotta go? - Yes.
Well, now, Niles, don't worry about your banquet.
I'll wear a nice dress and put on my best dancing shoes.
Well, there won't be dancing.
You just leave that to Sherry.
Well, your little banquet should prove quite amusing.
I hope Dr Gottfreund doesn't aggravate his hernia when he goes underneath the limbo pole.
I have to talk to Dad.
I can't let her ruin the most important evening of my life.
What do I say to him? Frasier, you've gotta help me.
Well, prepared though you were to abandon me, and let me handle all the dirty work alone, I will swallow my resentment, confront him with you tonight, and take my share of the heat.
Thank you.
Gotcha.
So, Niles, what are you in the mood for? Normandy or the Battle of the Bulge? Whatever.
What? You've been fidgeting around all night.
Something on your mind? Uh, yes, actually.
- It's about my awards banquet.
- Yeah? Uh.
Dad, this is very difficult to say.
Uh I would really rather you didn't wear those pants.
Well, I'm not.
I'm wearing that Avanti tux you gave me.
What's your problem? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I guess l I don't know, I'm just nervous about tomorrow night.
God knows why.
[BANJO TWANGS.]
- Evening, Dad.
- Evening.
Something wrong? You know, that brother of yours can be downright insulting.
He's so afraid someone's gonna embarrass him at his fancy dinner.
Um, you know, Niles, uh, told me about what he was going to say to you tonight and, um, well, I must say in his defence that it is an important evening for him and, well, let's face it, Sherry can be a bit much.
- She can, huh? - Well I mean, I don't mean it as a criticism, mind you.
Some people like that.
Well, now that Niles has broached the subject, I must say that I too, find Sherry a bit brassy and flamboyant He didn't say a word to you, did he? I don't believe this.
You got a problem with Sherry? That delightful woman? Oh, knock it off.
I see you're still waiting on that spine donor.
Look, Dad, there is no reason to belabour this point No, no.
You got something to say, let's hear it.
You don't like her? Please understand, Dad, as happy as we are that you've found someone - But you don't like her.
NILES: We're not saying that.
She, She's just not the sort of person that we would normally choose to spend time with.
In other words, you don't like her.
Come on, we're all grown-ups here.
Tell me the truth.
All right, Dad, we don't like her.
Fine.
If that's the way you feel about it, don't worry.
I won't bring her back here anymore.
I guess it's too much to expect my own family to make a person I care about feel welcome.
Wait a minute! When did you ever make any of the women we were involved with feel welcome? Ooh, Frasier, you're right.
He almost got away with that.
When did Lilith ever step foot in your house that you didn't make her feel as wanted as a fungus? Not to mention my Maris.
What, you're comparing a warm lady like Sherry to Frosty the Snow Wife? There! That, that, that is exactly what I'm talking about.
Oh, you know, why don't we just face facts? I mean, since when has any one of us ever, from Sherry, to Lilith, to Maris, to Diane, has ever been able to pick one woman the other two could stand? I picked your mother.
I'm sorry, Niles.
I've been hogging the floor.
Um Ah, forget it.
You're right.
Why should I expect you to make the effort when I'm no better? Hell, you probably got it from me.
You sure didn't get it from your mother, because she was great that way.
Anytime she ever met anybody, she would always find something to like about them.
One of the things I loved her for.
That's one of the things I love Sherry for.
She's a lot like your mother that way.
She'll always find something.
Even with you two.
Well, I suppose we could all afford to be a bit more open-minded when it comes to each other's mates.
Well, at the very least, if we can't say anything nice, we shouldn't say anything at all.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
We'll be having some quiet Thanksgivings, but fine with me.
- Hi, Sherry.
- Hi.
- Don't you look nice? Come on in.
- Well, thank you, Frasier.
Oh, Marty, I brought you one more little gift.
- Another one? - Well, I wanted to give it to you on your birthday, but it took a while to find the right size.
Really? I'm usually a pretty easy fit.
- Who said it's for you to wear? - Oh-ho! MARTIN: I like it already.
Oh, I should stop.
- I'm embarrassing your boys.
- No, you're not.
Is she? No.
- Party on.
- All right.
Well, I think we should go and unwrap this.
Oh, Dad, Lilith mentioned that she was gonna be joining Frederick on his next visit.
You don't mind if she stays here, do you? Oh, Lilith? No.
Great.
I love Lilith.
MARTIN: That's terrific.
No, she's welcome here anytime.
Honey, you're hurting my hand.
Oh, listen, I should mention, I'm kind of a sleepwalker.
So if you get up in the night, and find me in here naked, just give me a good hard shake.
I'll come to in a jiff.
Ha! Ha-ha! Got me.
Good one.
That was great.
- You really got them good.
- I know.