King of the Hill s04e09 Episode Script

1 COME ON, LADYBIRD FETCH! THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU CAN GET IT.
COME ON, GIRL.
( grunting ) HMM FINE! IT CAN STAY THERE FOR ALL I CARE.
GET IT! COME ON.
( sighs ) GET HIM THE BALL ALREADY.
Hank: HERE YOU GO, BOY.
TAKE IT EASY ON LADYBIRD, BOBBY.
SHE'S 91 YEARS OLD IN DOG YEARS.
EACH TIME SHE FETCHES IT'S LIKE SEVEN FETCHES FOR YOU OR ME.
WELL, TELL LADYBIRD I'M DONE PLAYING 'CAUSE SHE ONLY LISTENS TO YOU.
( huffing ) THAT A GIRL.
HOLD ON, LITTLE FELLA.
THIS HAPPENED TO ME ONCE.
YOU HUNGRY? WELL, LET'S SEE WHAT SANTA'S GOT IN HIS GOODY BAG.
WHAT A CRIME.
IF YOU ARE NOT A HUNGRY MAN, LUANNE YOU SHOULDN'T BE TAKING ON THE HUNGRY MAN DINNER.
UH-UH, BOBBY, AT THE TABLE.
I AM TIRED OF FINDING CRUMBS IN THE BATHTUB.
IS IT ME OR ARE THEY MAKING THESE THINGS BIGGER? YOU DON'T WANT THAT.
TONIGHT'S GARBAGE IS EHH.
I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING SPECIAL.
YOU KNOW, THE BLACK AROUND YOUR EYES LOOKS JUST LIKE A MASK.
I'M GOING TO CALL YOU MASKY.
NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
I CAN BEAT THAT.
BANDIT! MIND IF I JOIN YOU? AND HOW ABOUT A MARSHMALLOW CHASER? ( chattering ) ( imitating chatter ) PUH, FISH.
HUH, SNAKES.
YUP, DOG'S THE ONLY ANIMAL THAT MAKES SENSE.
AND I SUPPOSE A CAT MIGHT WORK.
IF YOU'RE A LITTLE GIRL OR AN OLD LADY YOU KNOW, WHO'S SICK.
CAN I BUY THIS, DAD? BOBBY, THIS IS A PET STORE, NOT A TOY STORE.
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THEY MARK THAT JUNK UP.
EXCUSE ME.
HOW MUCH IS I TO GET YOUR DOG'S PICTURE PUT ON THIS MUG? SO WE'RE EATING DINNER AND LADYBIRD STARTS TO BEG.
( snorts ) THAT SAYS IT ALL RIGHT THERE.
MRS.
GRIMBLE SAID IT WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.
ACU-WEATHER, MY FOOT.
HERE.
I'M GOING TO LEAVE THIS OPEN AND YOU CAN USE THE STREETLIGHT AS A NIGHT-LIGHT.
( yelling ) YOU'RE GOING TO WISH YOU MESSED UP SOMEBODY ELSE'S GARAGE YOU FURRY BASTARD.
BASTARD! I'M GOING TO TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE.
NO, BOBBY, THERE IS A RACCOON OUT THERE AND IT ALMOST, LITERALLY, ATTACKED YOUR FATHER.
RACCOON? Hank: DON'T WORRY.
I'M GOING TO GET RID OF IT.
BANDIT WAS JUST HUNGRY, DAD.
BANDIT?! BOBBY, YOU NAME A PET, YOU NAME A GUITAR.
YOU DO NOT NAME A FILTHY ANIMAL.
AND YOU DO NOT FEED IT OUR GARBAGE.
NO WONDER IT WAS ROOTING AROUND IN THE GARAGE.
IT WAS LOOKING FOR MORE OF YOUR HANDOUTS.
IT'S NOT A HANDOUT WHEN YOU FEED LADYBIRD, IS IT? LADYBIRD IS A MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY.
YOU'VE SEEN OUR CHRISTMAS CARDS.
YEAH, I'VE ALSO SEEN HER DRINK OUT OF THE TOILE WIPE HERSELF ON THE CARPET, SNIFF ANOTHER DOG'S ENOUGH! BANDIT IS A WILD DISEASE-RIDDEN ANIMAL THAT WILL BITE YOUR FACE.
NOW, DOES THAT SOUND LIKE SOMETHING LADYBIRD WOULD DO? LADYBIRD DOESN'T DO ANYTHING ANYMORE.
SHE'S TOO OLD.
BOBBY! ( whispering ): LADYBIRD IS IN THE ROOM.
Hank: THE WHOLE GARAGE LOOKED LIKE ONE OF THOSE HORROR MOVIES.
YOU KNOW, TOOLS ALL OVER THE PLACE.
YUP, SOUNDS LIKE A RACCOON OR A POSSUM IMITATING THE BEHAVIOR OF A RACCOON OR A SQUIRREL.
WHAT I'M GETTING AT IS, I'LL HANDLE IT.
NO, THANKS, DALE.
I'VE ALREADY TAKEN CARE OF IT.
I PUT OUT A SPRING-LOADED LIVE TRAP THIS MORNING.
HA! A TRAP?! THE ONLY ONE THAT'S GOING TO GET TRAPPED IS YOU, HANK.
TRAPPED INTO THINKING A TRAP ACTUALLY WORKS.
HEY ( shrieking ) ( speaking gibberish ) Hank: GET OUTTA HERE, YOU FURRY BASTARD.
MY CARD.
NO WORRIES, HANK.
I'VE PLAYED OUT THIS SCENARIO A THOUSAND TIMES IN MY MIND.
MOST OF THEM I HAVE WON.
NOW, ARE YOU GOING TO NEED THE RACCOON'S PELT INTACT FOR A HAT? I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO TRAP BANDI AND FREE HIM IN THE WOODS.
WHY IS EVERYTHING YOU'RE WEARING SO SHARP? YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HURT MY RACCOON, ARE YOU? THAT'S ENTIRELY UP TO HIM, BOBBY.
HANK, ONCE I CRAWL IN THERE I WANT YOU TO QUICKLY COVER THE HOLE WITH THE SCREEN.
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY IN AND THE ONLY WAY OUT FOR THE RACCOON.
DO NOT REMOVE THE SCREEN.
NO MATTER HOW MUCH I PLEAD OR BEG YOU DO NOT REMOVE THE SCREEN.
( raccoon chattering ) Dale: HANK, OPEN THE SCREEN! FOR GOD'S SAKES, HANK, I'M BEGGING YOU! OPEN THE SCREEN! ( screaming ) THAT'S IT! I'M TAKING OFF THE SCREEN.
YOU PROMISED DALE YOU WOULDN'T.
( screaming continues ) THAT'S ENOUGH.
( snarling ) ( barking ) Hank: GET OFF HER! HEY! Hank: LADYBIRD! Bobby: BANDIT, COME BACK! OH, MY GOD, LADYBIRD'S HURT.
SOMEONE CALL 911.
I GIVE YOU ONE LITTLE THING TO DO AND YOU SCREW IT UP.
I CAN'T FIND LADYBIRD ANYWHERE.
DAD! ANY LUCK, SON? I LOOKED ALL OVER THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
NO SIGN OF BANDIT.
NOT EVEN A DROPPING.
WHAT? YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THAT DANG RACCOON? IT WOULD HAVE ATTACKED ME IF IT WEREN'T FOR LADYBIRD.
AND NOW MY DOG'S OUT THERE, POSSIBLY HUR EXPOSED TO THE ELEMENTS AND EVEN IF SHE DOES FIND SOMETHING TO EA WHO'S GOING TO MIX IN AN EGG? I'LL FIND LADYBIRD.
LUCKY FOR YOU I'M NOT ONLY AN EXTERMINATOR, I'M ALSO A BOUNTY HUNTER.
MY OTHER CARD.
TELL ME I SENT YOU.
YOU'LL GET TEN PERCENT OFF.
Hank: THAT PICTURE WAS TAKEN AT HER BIRTHDAY PARTY LAST MONTH.
SORRY, I DON'T HAVE A MORE RECENT PHOTO.
MR.
HILL, I DON'T WANT TO GET YOUR HOPES UP.
THE ODDS OF FINDING A DOG THAT HAS RUN AWAY LADYBIRD DID NOT "RUN AWAY.
" SHE GOT IN A FIGHT WITH A RACCOON AND TOOK OFF AFTER IT.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
RACCOON? HANK, LET ME TAKE OVER.
AS ONE ANIMAL CONTROL PROFESSIONAL TO ANOTHER IT WAS WHAT APPEARED TO BE A RACCOON.
BUT I ONLY SAW IT BRIEFLY AND IT WAS DARK, SO I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, IT'S TOO BAD YOU DIDN'T CATCH I 'CAUSE WITHOUT BEING ABLE TO AUTOPSY THE RACCOON WE HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING IF IT GAVE YOUR DOG RABIES.
RABIES? NOW, AS I SAID I AM AN ANIMAL CONTROL PROFESSIONAL.
EXPLAIN TO HANK HOW YOU GET RABIES.
RACCOON BITES ARE THE MOST COMMON WAY MM-HMM.
FOLLOWED BY RAT BITES AND THEN RACCOON SCRATCHES.
WHAT?! OH, RACCOON SCRATCHES MOVED UP TO THIRD.
GOOD FOR THEM.
WHAT DOES IT SAY? WELL, THE EARLIEST SYMPTOMS OF CLINICAL RABIES IN HUMANS ARE CHILLS ( shivering ) I'M COLD, NANCY.
SO COLD.
YOU'RE IN YOU'RE UNDERWEAR, SHUG.
READ ON.
"SOME SUFFERERS MAY HAVE A SORE THROAT" ( exhales smoke ) MY THROAT'S ON FIRE.
"DIARRHEA" GO ON.
"THEY MAY ALSO FEEL ANXIOUS OR FEARFUL OF THINGS WITH NO CLEAR REASON.
" ( short scream ) NANCY, I THINK I HAVE RABIES! DALE, YOU'RE GOING TO BE FINE.
ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS GET YOU TO A DOCTOR SO THEY CAN GIVE YOU A SHOT OH, SORRY-- SEVEN SHOTS.
LET'S SAY I DON'T GET THE SHOTS.
IS IT POSSIBLE TO LIVE A NORMAL LIFE INFECTED WITH RABIES? NO.
AND PLEASE MAKE SURE LADYBIRD IS SAFE AND WITHOUT RABIES AND IF RABIES IS PART OF YOUR DIVINE PLAN THEN PLEASE CHANGE YOUR PLAN SEND US BACK LADYBIRD RABIES-FREE.
AND BANDIT, TOO.
AMEN.
NO, SIR.
BANDIT IS NOT IN THIS PRAYER.
IT'S BANDIT'S FAULT WE'RE IN THIS MESS.
OR YOUR FAULT FOR FEEDING HIM.
I'LL LET YOU DECIDE, LORD.
NOW, HANK, I KNOW LADYBIRD IS JUST FINE.
SHE SAVED YOUR LIFE.
I'M SURE SHE CAN SAVE HER OWN.
WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT.
BUT IF SHE'S OUT THERE SUFFERING WITH RABIES I'LL HAVE TO SHOOT HER AND WITH MY AIM I'LL HAVE TO SHOOT HER TWICE.
OH, GOD.
OKAY, LADYBIRD GOOD, RABIES BAD.
I JUST WANT TO FIND BANDIT.
WE ALL WANT TO FIND BANDIT, BOBBY.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY THEY CAN FIGURE OUT IF LADYBIRD'S GOT RABIES.
HOW DO THEY DO THAT? WELL, THEY, UH TAKE OFF ITS HEAD.
( knocking ) I DON'T WANT TO ABUSE THE PRIVILEGE BUT I NEED YOU TO GET DALE OUT OF THE BASEMENT AGAIN.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY READY? AND GO.
( clearing throat ) DALE, HONEY? PIZZA'S HERE.
MMM PIZZA.
( screaming ) NO! NANCY?! LOOK! NANCY, THEY'RE TAKING! NO! AHH! ALL RIGHT, DALE, WE CAN DO THIS THE EASY WAY OR WE CAN DO IT THE HARD WAY.
DO IT THE HARD WAY.
( screaming ) ( groaning ) AHH! I'M WORRIED ABOUT BANDIT.
I'M WORRIED ABOUT MY DAD.
AND BANDIT.
SEE, I SETTLED DOWN.
NOW GIVE ME BACK MY HAT.
OH, YEAH.
IT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SIT THERE WITH A HEAD FULL OF THICK, GORGEOUS HAIR LAUGHING AT ME.
PLEASE? I TOLD YOU, DALE, I'LL GIVE THE HAT BACK AFTER YOU GET THE SHOTS.
Hank: DALE! WHERE ARE YOU HEY! DALE, GET BACK HERE! DALE! ( groans ) OKAY, A RACCOON, LADYBIRD AND DALE ARE ON THE LOOSE AND THEY ALL MIGHT BE RABID.
PEGGY, YOU SHOULD STAY HERE IN CASE LADYBIRD COMES HOME.
NOT "IF," HANK-- "WHETHER OR NOT.
" THE REST OF US ARE GOING TO COVER EVERY INCH OF ARLEN.
AND I'M GOING TO NEED SOMEBODY TO HELP NANCY IN CASE DALE COMES HOME.
OKAY, ANY VOLUNTEERS? I HAD MY HAND UP FIRST.
( grunts ) ( grunts ) SURVIVAL DIARY UPDATE.
I HAVE BEEN DRINKING DEWDROPS FOUND ON THE FOREST LEAVES AND I HAVE BEEN EATING MUSHROOMS AND MOSS.
MOSTLY MUSHROOMS.
MY RABIES HAS TAKEN A TURN FOR THE WORSE.
I AM STARTING TO HALLUCINATE.
WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES, I CAN SEE STRANGE CHARACTERS RUNNING AROUND CHASING COLORFUL GEOMETRIC SHAPES IN A DARK AND INFINITE LIMBO.
I HAVE STOPPED CLOSING MY EYES.
I FEAR I AM GOING MAD.
( sniffing ) SURVIVAL REMINDER: NEED HAMMER AND NAILS.
AND BATTERIES FOR TAPE RECORDER.
( grunts ) ALSO NEED NEW TAPE RECORDER.
( sobbing ) ( crashing ) ( Dale grunting ) DALE? ( hissing ) YAHH! HOT! ( hissing ) YOU NEED A SHOT, SHUG.
( whooping ) ( screaming ) ( phone ringing ) HELLO.
Mr.
Hill, this is Big Terry from Animal Control.
We've had reports of a bloodhound walking kind of funny out by the campgrounds at the Mary Alice Sherry Shivers State Park.
We're heading there now.
OKAY, I'M ON MY WAY.
JUST IN CASE YOU FIND HER FIRST, WHEN YOU CALL HER NAME SAY THE FIRST HALF LONGER THAN THE SECOND.
LA-A-ADYBIRD.
YOU GOT THAT? Uh, Mr.
Hill, if we get there and the dog is acting strange we'll have to put Ladybird down.
OH, NO.
Mr.
Hill? Are you there? Uh, I'm sorry.
I meant, we'll have to put La-a-adybird down.
Mr.
Hill? NOW, BILL, IF YOU SEE LADYBIRD FIRS FIRE THIS FLARE STRAIGHT UP IN THE AIR NOT AT HER.
ALL RIGHT, BOBBY, LET'S GET AHH! Bill: FALSE ALARM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BOBBY? IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR THAT RACCOON YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.
IT'S PROBABLY TWO TOWNS OVER BY NOW EATING SOME OTHER KID'S GARBAGE.
AT LEAST BANDIT NEVER ATE MY LUNCH UNTIL AFTER I'D THROWN IT OUT.
THAT'S WHAT I'D CALL COMMON COURTESY.
YEAH? I REMEMBER THE TIME LADYBIRD JUMPED UP AND ATE YOUR PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH RIGHT OFF YOUR PLATE.
I THOUGHT SHE'D NEVER STOP LICKING THE ROOF OF HER MOUTH I TELL YOU WHAT.
( sighing ) I NEVER LAUGHED THAT HARD EVER AGAIN.
( branch snapping ) LA-A-ADYBIRD.
COME HERE, GIRL.
COME TO DADDY.
SO HE CAN SEND YOU TO ( choking up ) DOGGY HEAVEN.
( dog whines ) EWW.
WHAT THE HECK? ( shrieking ) ( disgusted groan ) DAD, YOU'RE OKAY.
DON'T LOOK HIM IN THE EYE.
IT MAKES HIM START HOWLING.
( hissing ) THOUGHT YOU COULD JUST WALTZ IN HERE AND KILL ME, DID YOU? WELL, SO DID HE.
DAMN IT, DALE.
YOU STUPID YOU WILL SPEAK ONLY WHEN I SAY YOU CAN SPEAK.
REMOVE THE TAPE, DALE.
OKAY.
YOU CAN SPEAK.
LET US GO NOW, AND I PROMISE I WON'T KICK YOUR ASS LATER.
I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T DO THAT, HANK.
I'VE GOT PLANS FOR YOU.
OH, YEAH.
I'M GOING TO DRAIN ALL THE BLOOD OUT OF YOUR BODY.
THEN I'M GOING TO REPLACE MY BLOOD WITH YOUR NON-RABID BLOOD, WHICH WILL BOTH CURE ME AND GIVE ME ALL YOUR KNOWLEDGE OF PROPANE AND PROPANE ACCESSORIES.
I THINK YOU MIGHT BE EATING THE WRONG KIND OF MUSHROOMS, DALE.
I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
THESE MUSHROOMS HAVE BEEN KEEPING ME ALIVE.
BUT WHAT I DON'T KNOW, HANK IS HOW YOU CAN STILL TALK WHEN THERE'S A MILLION BUGS SQUIGGLING IN AND OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.
OH, YEAH, I CAN TALK, AND YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL BILL AND BOOMHAUER FIND US.
WHEE! Bill: THE WATER'S GREAT! DANG OLD GERONIMO.
LET'S SEE YOU TRY AND SELL YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS ONE, PROPANE SALESMAN.
WHERE'S YOUR PRECIOUS PROPANE NOW? ( laughing ) ( coughing ) YEAH, YOU GOT ME, DALE.
THERE IS NO WAY OUT OF THIS.
SO, IF I UNDERSTAND YOUR PLAN IT IS TO REPLACE YOUR RABIES BLOOD WITH MY CLEAN BLOOD.
IS THAT RIGHT? WHO GAVE YOU A COPY OF MY PLAN? YOU TOLD ME.
SO, UH STEP ONE: DRAIN MY BLOOD.
AND, UH, SINCE YOU CAN'T STAND THE SIGHT OF BLOOD I GUESS YOU'LL HAVE TO HAND ME MY POCKETKNIFE.
OH, I'LL DO MORE THAN HAND IT TO YOU.
I'LL OPEN IT FOR YOU.
UH, YOU MIGHT WANT TO STEP BACK, DALE.
THERE IS GOING TO BE A LOT OF BLOOD.
A LOT.
AHH OKAY, THERE.
THAT'S THE VEIN.
OW.
BOY, THAT SMARTS.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU NEVER CRIED OUT IN PAIN IN YOUR LIFE.
THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR TRUSTING YOU TO DRAIN YOUR OWN BLOOD.
( hissing ) O-OKAY, DALE.
TAKE IT EASY.
I-I'M SORRY.
I MADE A MISTAKE.
I-I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
I SHOULD HAVE CUT MY VEIN.
SHUT UP.
I'M TIRED OF YOUR FACE.
( dog growling ) LADYBIRD! ( growling ) ALL RIGHT, DOG.
YOU WANT TO TANGO? ( barks ) ( screaming ) BOBBY, THE KNIFE! Dale: GET YOUR DOG AWAY FROM ME! SHE'S GOT THE RABIES! LADYBIRD! DOWN, GIRL! ( whistles ) Bobby: DAD, WATCH OUT.
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT.
COME HERE.
SHE'S GOT RABIES.
SHE'LL BITE YOU.
NO, SHE'S JUST WOUNDED AND SCARED.
I'M HER MASTER.
SHE'D NEVER BITE ME.
DAD, LOOK OUT! BOBBY, DON'T.
SHOOT HER! SHOOT HER WITH THE GUN! BOBBY, NO! Dale: YES, BOBBY! OHH! ( gunshot ) YOU MISSED HER! OH, LADYBIRD.
YOU SEE? I WAS RIGHT.
IT'S A GOOD THING YOU MISSED, BOBBY.
I DIDN'T MISS, DAD.
BANDIT? I SAW HIM COMING.
I THINK HE WAS GOING TO BITE YOU.
Dale: THIS ISN'T OVER.
SO LONG, SUCKERS.
( imitates bird screeching ) ( sighing ) HANK, I CAN SEE YOUR HOUSE FROM UP HERE.
I GUESS I'M GLAD BANDIT DIDN'T HAVE RABIES.
SO, AT LEAST WE KNOW LADYBIRD AND MR.
GRIBBLE WILL BE OKAY.
THAT'S RIGHT, SON.
THANKS FOR BUILDING THE CROSS.
NO PROBLEM, BOBBY.
I'M GOING TO SAY A FEW WORDS NOW, DAD.
I UNDERSTAND.
( imitates raccoon chattering) Hank: AH AMEN.
SAY, BOBBY, I KNOW THIS WON'T BE FOR A WHILE BUT WHEN LADYBIRD DIES HOW ABOUT IF I LET YOU PICK OUR NEXT PET? REALLY? OKAY.
I'M GOING TO GET A POSSUM.
NO.
NO POSSUMS.
AN OSTRICH, THEN.
WELL, I WAS THINKING MORE OF A TRADITIONAL PET, BOBBY.
LIKE ANOTHER DOG.
OKAY.
CAN I GET A POODLE? NO.
Dale: SO LONG, SUCKERS!