Mike & Molly s04e09 Episode Script

What you watching? '86 Super Bowl.
Bears are crushing the Pats.
I'd have been happy to die that day.
Greatest four hours and 22 minutes of my life.
And I was at Woodstock.
Move your feet.
I don't want to; Just sit in the chair.
But it's a bad angle.
My neck will seize by the fourth touchdown.
My one day off, I can't even watch a Mike, look.
I got published.
I actually got published.
Oh, no way! And on the same day the Bears beat the Pats.
Vince, move.
I'm gonna root for the Pats, then.
What's all yelling about? As of this moment, your daughter is a published author.
What? Molly, that is so exciting.
Getting paid for what you love to do.
You and my dealer, two of the lucky few.
Well, it's just a little article, you know, published he national blog.
Wow.
Sure shut up all those people who never thought you could do it.
Who? Names aren't important.
Well, I had my doubts myself.
Sometimes I'd look at Mike and just think, "Oh, you poor, sweet, supportive fool.
We are so screwed.
" Screwed? I thought you said we were right on schedule.
Well, we can laugh about it now.
How much money are we talking about? Not about the money; It's about what it represents.
Does is represent more than the $3,800 you owe your mother? 'Cause we'd like to take a Carnival cruise this summer.
You don't get reimbursed monetarily.
So squat.
Yes, and I'm fine with that, because it's about exposure.
Look at you, exposing yourself on the Internet.
So, what's the article about? Yeah, I'd like read to.
Or pretend to.
You know, to be supportive.
It's a little dry.
I mean, I don't think anybody here would be interested.
"From toilet training to tantrums.
Understanding the elderly parent" What the hell?! What if my friends see that? Don't worry about it.
Old people can't even get on the Internet.
That's not true.
Just last week, I helped a prince from Nigeria track down his fortune.
Listen, what do you say we get all dolled up and I take you out to lunch to celebrate? Oh, what about your day off and your goal to not move an inch? He already ruined that.
Plus, it's not every day my wife gets read by millions.
Oh, well, I think it's more like Ooh, 46! You're welcome.
La, la-ba-dee-da La, la-ba-dee-da For the first time in my life I see love I see love For the first time in my life I see love You know, there are a million great restaurants in Chicago.
You couldn't take me to one that my coat wasn't going to stick to the booth? What do you want? A clean chair or Turkey Meatball Tuesday, huh? That shut you up.
Hey, look who's here.
Hey.
I thought you wanted a day off from me, but look who came crawling back.
Molly got an article published, so we decided to celebrate.
Then why are you here? See? Even he knows it blows.
Better than anyone.
A published author.
That's great.
What is it, a book or a? No, it's just a little article on the Internet.
Oh, the Internet.
That's even better; The whole world can see it.
You know, my one-arm push-up video has got a real following in Bulgaria.
You know, maybe we should've gone someplace else.
It doesn't pay anything, but I'm just happy for the exposure.
I mean, do you know how many submissions that Web site gets? How many? I don't know, but a-a lot.
And out of all those people, they chose not to pay me.
Oh, well, congratulations.
Thank you, Carl.
To think, two months ago, I was a teacher, doing the same thing, day after day, like a rat on a wheel.
I wish the rats here were on a wheel.
It would make them much easier to catch.
Really? Oh, don't worry.
The turkey meatballs sell so fast, the rats can't get near them.
So, how would you like to spend the rest of our day of celebration? And please don't say martial arts movie, center row, third aisle, large popcorn.
Then why'd you even ask? I don't know.
I really don't know.
Ooh.
Rolls-Royces.
Beautiful, aren't they? You're talking No way.
Yeah.
When I was little, I had a gray Hot Wheels one.
Had its own driver.
I would pretend I was him.
Sailing down that orange track, not a care in the world.
Come on.
Let's go in and check it out.
What? No.
Why not? Because they'll know.
Know what? That we don't belong in there.
Oh, come on.
Can you just relax, fella? Can we just go in, have some fun? Do something new? Come on, let's go in.
No, you're gonna get us in trouble.
With who? The Rolls-Royce people! Mike, what are they gonna do? They can't take anything from us.
We don't have anything.
Molly, do not go in there.
Molly! I'm not going in there.
I'm going home.
I'm walking away.
Bye.
They're not gonna Damn it! What are you doing standing there? Should I take my shoes off? Just come over here.
How do they get them in here? It's like ships in a bottle.
Do you smell that, huh? It's like we're inside a James Bond movie.
Leather and the metal and the turkey meatball? God, Mike! I'm sorry.
I'm nervous.
Can we go? No.
We're looking around.
For all they know, we can afford one of these cars.
Hey, you could have made a lot of money on the Internet.
You and I both know there's no money in the Internet.
That's not important.
We can be anybody we want to be.
Okay, it's all in how you carry yourself.
Just follow my lead.
Have you done this before? Not here.
Hello.
Hello.
Can I help you? (in British Oh, well, I hope so.
We're quite interested in purchasing, uh, one of your vehicles.
Oh, he's excited.
Yes, crumb cake, would you like to give this one a test drive? Oh, I don't think so.
I don't think he wants to.
How about we give that one a go, huh? Oh, yes, we have just a bit of a tangle.
We'd prefer to pay cash, but we only have euros.
Just gobs and gobs of euros.
I'll get the keys.
Oh, brilliant! You'd prefer the four-door, is that right, sir? Right, right.
Oh, this is quite nice.
Burled wood, stitched leather, all the finest accoutrements.
It also has a 12-cylinder engine, 563 horsepower.
Does zero to 60 in 4.
2 seconds.
I believe what the gentleman is suggesting is that you stop driving like the queen and give it a go.
Right, right.
Whoa.
Ooh-ooh! Ooh.
Do you mind if I try the radio? Not at all.
It has dual controls for the front and the back.
Oh, let's try the back.
Is that too loud? Excuse me? Okay, we're good.
Isn't this great? Are you having fun? Don't talk to me; I'm trying to focus.
Get off my ass, grandma.
Go around! Oh, my God, there's a humidor in the glove compartment.
Oh, what a wonderful waste of money.
Put that thing away.
I'm not gonna smoke it; I'm just gonna take it.
Molly! I'm kidding.
Can you just relax? No.
I'm driving the equivalent of a three-bedroom house here, with a grandma who will not get off my ass! You know, I-I made your childhood dream of driving a Rolls-Royce come true.
You could at least enjoy it.
I'm not built that way, Molly.
You've met my mother.
I wasn't raised to enjoy things.
You know, you are taking all the fun out of this fraudulent test drive.
pull over here in front of the hotel.
Thank you.
Do you have a longer model with a bubbly pool in the back? No.
Oh.
Well, I wish you would have told me that before we left the shop.
Let's go, crumb cake.
Let's go! Right, right.
All right.
Oh, excuse me.
Sorry.
Hey, uh, can just anybody sit in those chairs? Yes, sir.
Do you need help with anything? Uh, no.
Just waiting for the wife.
She's hitting the head.
Uh, the ladies' can.
Hey, what took so long? That bathroom, it's amazing.
It's like a beauty parlor.
They have everything.
There was makeup and hair spray and perfume and Oh, look, mints.
I thought you just had to pee.
I did, and I enjoyed every minute of it.
The the seats were heated.
Are you sure somebody just wasn't there before you? Oh, don't be gross.
Not here.
All right, so, uh, you ready to go home? No.
What's the hurry? Let's hang out.
Ooh.
We can pretend that we're two strangers that just met in a hotel lobby.
Well, you're already acting like somebody I don't know, so we're halfway there.
Perfect.
Now all we need's a room.
We can't afford a room here.
Even the people we're pretending to be can't afford a room here.
I know.
This place is horribly overpriced.
That's why we're not gonna pay for it.
Come on.
I'm a cop; I can't steal.
We're not stealing.
We're borrowing.
It's like a like a library book.
Like a library book we're gonna have sex on.
All right, keep talking.
This place has checkout at 11:00.
Check-in is at 3:00.
Which means there's a whole bunch of rooms upstairs just waiting for turndown services.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? You're using sex as a weapon.
You know that, right? Yes, I do.
Come on.
Let's go.
Okay, perfect.
Let's go.
I'm a Chicago cop with a gun on his ankle, and I'm shaking like a leaf.
It's the adrenaline.
The metal taste in the back of your mouth, it's how you know you're alive.
Who are you? Shh.
All right, the maid's almost done.
Get the cart and go around the corner with it.
Why? Because you want to have sex with me.
Okay.
Shh.
Go, go, go.
Okay, when she comes out and goes around the corner, we make a run for the room and bolt the door.
Have you done this before? Not here.
Shh.
All clear.
I said "all clear.
" I'm a little wobbly.
I still have my sex legs.
You don't have to tell me, Mr.
15 Minutes.
The fear of that maid walking in and seeing me naked bought me some extra time.
Check the Security.
I think that maid ratted us out.
on the pillow now, do you? What's next? You got a plan for this? Yes.
Give me your gun.
What? Yeah.
You are not going to shoot anyone.
No.
You're gonna take me hostage.
What is wrong with you? Just go to the stairs.
Fine.
But my way would've worked, too.
Oh, my God.
We'll just go down a floor, hop on the elevator, and we are gone.
You know, I think, if I put my mind to it, I could rob a bank.
Take it easy, Bonnie; This is as far as Clyde goes.
There's no handle.
I guess you're supposed to put your room key in the slot.
Which we don't have.
Why would they do that? To prevent people like us from doing what we did.
Oh, that's actually smart.
What are you doing? Trying every card in my wallet.
Well, I don't think that your Orange Julius gift card is gonna save the day.
It's either this or walk down 71 flights.
Okay, here, try my CVS card.
That hostage thing doesn't look so bad now, does it? Whew.
Ooh, this This is quite a workout.
Don't talk to me.
Why? Because you're gonna try to make this seem like we're having fun, and we're not having fun.
We're 40 floor from fun with 30 more to go! Well, see? We're already halfway there.
Do not look at the bright side.
There is no bright side here! Oh, quit being such a crybaby.
Don't call me a crybaby.
Why? You gonna cry, crybaby? Stop it.
If you hadn't dragged me through all this crap, I'd be home, happy, on my couch right now.
But I was just trying to get you to do something different.
Get you out of your comfort zone for half a day.
You know what zone I'm in now? The chafing zone.
I could cook a steak between my thighs.
Boy, for somebody who drove a Rolls-Royce today and had sex in a five-star hotel for free, you sure complain a lot.
You know why you can't admit this is miserable? Because you live in denial.
That's why you're so bad with money.
Are you really gonna point fingers, Groundhog Day?! I found you on the couch this morning watching a 20-year-old football game! I might have missed something! You know what, I'll see you at the bottom.
Yeah, you know what, I'll see you at the bottom, 'cause I'm going first! No, I'm going first.
I got the rail.
You move your hand.
I got the rail! I got the rail! Move your hand.
Get moving, or I'll give you the rail! Yeah, that's my Mike? Mike! What are you doing? I was down in single digits.
I'm sorry.
That's it.
I can't take another step.
It's only 12 more floors.
Come on.
I can't.
Just leave me.
Live your life.
No.
We walked into this together.
We're walking out of this together.
I'm just holding you back.
Okay.
We can rest for a second.
I'm not talking about the stairs.
I'm talking about in life.
I'm just stopping you from doing all that weird, wonderful stuff that you want to do.
Are you kidding? Mike, I-I couldn't have done any of that stuff if it wasn't for you.
That's not true.
It is.
Mike, you're my rock.
If it wasn't for you, I-I wouldn't have been able to quit my job and become the successful, unpaid internet content provider I am today.
Okay.
Now, get up.
Get up, you exhausted son of a bitch.
Come on.
If we don't get out of here, I love you, Molly.
Then show me.
Show me with your feet! We did it! We did it! Sweet baby Jesus, we're alive! We're alive! Act like we belong.
Oh, apples! Thank you.
We We had a lovely stay.
Come on.
Let's get you to the couch.
Can you bring the couch closer to me? Come on, honey, you can do it.
Come on.
Three steps and a flop.
Oh! Oh, this is comfortable.
Now I know why you never want to get off of it.
See? Welcome to Mike Biggs country.
Kind of nice, huh? Better than a Rolls.
Thank you, Molly.
For what? Pushing me.
Oh, hey, is that the stairs? I told you I tripped.
My feet were numb.
No.
For putting together this day.
Making me do things that I-I never thought I would do.
Well, you better get used to it.
I don't know where I'm going next, but I'm taking you with me.
Can we at least wait until my thighs heal and my ankles go back to being smaller than my calves? Well, we can't go Jet Skiing until the summer anyway.