QI (2003) s04e09 Episode Script
Doves
Good evening! Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI, for another desultory dollop of dumbing-up.
Our panel tonight is sagacious, prehensile, and sharp as a tack.
The discriminating David Mitchell, the discursive Andy Hamilton, the dexterous Johnny Sessions and Alan "deep as a D-cup" Davies.
Tonight, the buzzers are all slightly disparaging.
David goes: Andy goes: Johnny goes: And Alan goes: Which brings us to our first question.
Erm, which is the bravest species of animal? - Yes? - I think it might be the Ichneumon.
The mongoose.
Yes.
Yes.
Erm, because the mongoose is basically like a sort of glorified ferret, and it goes out of its way to kill cobras, and cobras can kill you just by looking at you the wrong way.
- So I think that's pretty brave.
- Why does it kill cobras? Because if it can only eat cobra, it's not brave: it's just sensible.
It's just you know.
No, but cobras, you know: they come out of baskets; they sing; they dance Sort of Les Dennis of the snake world.
They're literally the hoodie of the snake world, aren't they? They've got the little hoods round their heads.
They're not that brave, though, 'cause as far as I'm aware, the mongoose nearly always wins.
I've never seen a David Attenborough where he suddenly goes, "Oh dear, the mongoose has copped it.
" What's difficult about this question, I think, is you need some kind of comparative unit of bravery.
I think And we have one.
How do we show how brave people are in a graded order? - Medals.
- Soldiers, for example.
Medals! - Right.
- There are bound to be loads of horses and dogs, that have been ridiculously given medals - Pigeons.
if they understood what they were doing at all.
Pigeons get them; they get medals for making it back.
Yes, I'm going to give you the points, Alan; you said "pigeons", didn't you? - Yes.
Points? - Pigeons Yes, "pigeons" mean "points".
Brilliant.
Maria Dickin, who founded the People's Dispensary for Sick Animals.
In 1943, she instituted a medal called the Dickin, which is the equivalent of a Victoria Cross for animals that serve in the armed forces.
- She sounds really bonkers.
- Yeah, just a bit, doesn't she.
To be brave you need to know the element of risk.
So I reckon probably the bravest is something like a robin.
'Cause I've seen robins mob cats, you know; that's the equivalent of of us running towards - Is this as in Batman? - a tiger.
- Well, 'cause that's just not fair, is it? - No, that's Well, anyway, the Dickin medal has been awarded sixty times, and thirty-two times, it's gone to a pigeon.
Once to a cat.
A cat on board HMS Amethyst, - the Yangtze Incident.
- Yangtze Incident is 1949, isn't it? - Entire crew saved by a cat.
- Yeah.
Well, it ate all the rats on the ship.
- That's not bravery, though.
That's just greed.
- It is really, isn't it, to be perfectly honest.
Fat moggy.
"Medal? Yeah.
" Yes, the answer is "carrier pigeons", as in "D" for "doves".
The London pigeon is a dove, and it's known as the "wild rock dove", - and is the ancestor of all doves and pigeons.
- Really? The doves that won the Dickin medal were, strictly speaking, non-combatants.
And that's not true of all military pigeons.
I wonder if you can imagine what a kamikaze pigeon unit did.
Fly into things? Fly into planes, engines? - You're getting there.
It's a very complicated - Fly down guns.
- It's a manual - Nest! A terrible nuisance to get out.
It was to fly It was to fly at ships, but in a very particular way: inside, erm, a missile.
It's got a window, all right? I'll explain it to you.
Here's a pigeon; I've got a pigeon here.
Erm Voila! And I have a ship here.
And you train the pigeon to peck at a ship and every time it does it's rewarded with grain.
Then you put it inside this missile with a glass front Right.
And a ship comes into view but it's slightly on the left.
Well, the pigeon's behavioral response is to peck towards where it is.
And this activates a relay and as it gets nearer the ship and it gets bigger and bigger, it pecks more and more and more and more, which tells them that they're on the right track.
And they get really really close, and it explodes in a ball of flame.
- Destroying - And that's And that's the thanks it gets! That's the thanks.
It maybe gets showered with grain at the last second, just as a thank you.
Who knows.
But it's a guidance system.
- And did it work? - It wasn't used, but what they did, using this man Skinner, this behavioral psychologist's, er, experiments, was they instead, they got a bit of glass, and instead of having a target on it or anything like that, it was just a plain piece of glass with an orange dot on it and every time the pigeon hit the dot exactly like that it would get rewarded.
Can you imagine why that would be useful? I was thinking about this just the other day.
It's funny you said that.
A very slow form of execution for someone? You put an orange dot on them.
Put a pigeon in the room; you come back in about twelve years No, pigeons have very good eyesight, and if an air rescue helicopter is searching the sea, and someone's in a little orange dinghy, or an orange life jacket, the pigeon will always see it as a little dot in its screen, so it'll go like that thinking it's going to get fed.
- And that will alert the pilot.
- Good Lord.
And it works.
And that's beneficial and no one dies.
Someone might even get saved.
And then you eat the pigeon on the way back.
The passenger pigeon.
Is that a familiar species to any of you? Its one of the saddest stories.
There were flocks of them in America, - and I'm not kidding, that were one mile wide and three hundred miles long.
- Good Lord.
You'd have two billion of these birds.
They were just the most extraordinary sight in nature, probably.
- So they're shitting whole hills.
- Yes, absolutely.
Can you imagine? Get caught under that and you are dead.
And you are seriously dead! In 1896 they killed the final flock of a quarter of a million in one day.
- Knowing it was the last flock.
- Who are ? American sportsmen, and I use the word "sport" quite wrongly.
- Did you know about the Puccini gun? The composer Puccini - Yes.
was a great shooter of birds, as a lot of Italians are.
When I was in his house at Torre del Lago, there was the Puccini gun, which he made himself, and he'd be sitting there writing, you know, lovely opera, lovely opera and he'd hear a snipe outside the window; he'd grab this thing, which had a bore on it like a drain pipe, and he could bring down fifty snipe in one go.
Oh, you see? Is that sport? He's Italian.
Italians, Americans I mean, really.
It's horrible.
But can you imagine that? And then on one day; knowing you're wiping out an entire species to kill a quarter of a million birds in a day.
- Did Did they know it was the last quarter of a million? - Yes.
They knew.
And they sort of thought.
"Fantastic, let's finish them off.
" Yeah.
That was the last flock and then the last bird itself died in Cincinnati Zoo in 1914.
- She was called Martha.
- So the pigeons in Trafalgar Square: they're wild rock pigeons? - Wild rock doves.
- Wild rock doves.
- Yeah.
Do they know that? 'Cause they You don't tend to see them on the cliffs at Beachy Head.
They're confused by our rock cliffs, aren't they? That's the problem.
Pablo Picasso was a keen pigeon fancier.
His father was a painter of pigeons.
It was a style - Yes.
Exactly.
- in late 19th century Malaga.
Instead of like flower genre painting in France, or whatever, his father was a "pigeoniana", or whatever it was called.
And when he discovered how good his son was, he gave him his brushes and never painted again.
- Fantail pigeons, he collected himself.
- Yes.
And of course he called his daughter ? - Paloma.
- Which is Spanish for a "dove" or "pigeon".
- Indeed.
- Una paloma blanca, I remember.
- Yes.
There we are, so, B F Skinner was the name of the man who designed these missiles aimed by pigeons who were tapping in the nose.
And it was, er, tested successfully, but never actually saw action.
Arthur Garfield Dove.
She was a painter, regarded by many as the first abstract painter in America.
Was a friend and associate of the subject of our next question, which is: which is: What practical use can you think of for the work of art which the Turner Prize Committee voted as the most influential modern work ever? You'd sleep in it.
- You'd sleep in it.
- Was it Marcel Duchamp's urinal, - which has the obvious usage of being a urinal.
- Pissing in it, basically.
- Yeah, pissing in it, yes.
- is the right answer, yes.
There it is.
It's a 1917 work entitled Fountain.
It's worth three point six million dollars.
It's signed R Mutt.
R is for Richard, which is a kind of French slang that, as well as being a name, means "money-bags".
- But it's upside down.
- Is it? Can I also point out, it's not plumbed in to anything.
So personally I wouldn't piss in it.
Many artists have pissed in it, when it's been on display, as a either a statement of hatred for it or as support of it.
- And one was fined six thousand, five hundred dollars.
- Someone's paid three million dollars for that? Three It's worth It's reckoned to be worth three and a half million, the Stieglitz's gallery.
As As works of art go, it's going to be do less damage pissing in that than - say pissing on the Mona Lisa, though.
- Exactly.
Yeah.
- But Marcel Duchamp famously did a Mona Lisa with a moustache and goatee.
- Yes, he did.
- Dove and Duchamp were both members of the Dada movement, as we're on D's - Yeah.
Mm.
Talking of repetitious "D" words, what did the dik-dik do that the dodo didn't? - It flew.
- It flew? - No, it didn't.
- No.
- It tasted disgusting.
- Oddly enough, the opposite is, probably.
- Oh, right.
Do you know what a dik-dik is? That would help.
- Yes, it's a little gazelle-y kind of thingie.
- Absolutely.
.
- Can it Can it climb trees? - No.
- It's a tiny antelope.
I mean, - It can hide in bushes.
It's about the size of a hare.
- Is it extinct? - No, it's not extinct.
- 'Cause I I notice that's a photo.
- Yes, exactly.
Using my skills as a historian! Sharp work! Yes.
And that means it could survive, and it survived because it could hide.
It didn't really run so much, but they hide, and they live at night and they're very, very shy.
- And dodos, unfortunately - Dodo's are like that: "OLE!" - Yes, exactly.
- "Come on in! Get off the boat, bring your guns.
" - Exactly right.
- They made a very distinctive "I'll help you carry that.
" It's true.
Mauritius is where they came from.
And the rats, pigs, dogs, and humans that arrived in the 17th century as you say, it just was not afraid of them, because there were no ground level predators on the entire island, so it had no reason to be distrustful.
Whereas dik-diks in Africa, of course, had lions and things to contend with and were very, very shy, so So essentially it sounds quite brave.
- It was brave! Maybe the dodo - It's the bravest animal and the dik-diks are a bloody cowards and they're still hanging around, you know, posing for photos.
Do you know what sort of animal it is? What it's related to? - A turkey? - It's a pigeon, actually.
- It's a pigeon, is it? - It doesn't look like one, but it is a pigeon.
I should have known it was a dove.
And it was entirely forgotten until 1860s, roughly.
And suddenly everybody was talking about dodos again, because they appeared in a book, a very famous book.
- Oh! Is it It's Alice In Wonderland.
- Alice In Wonderland.
Give yourself some points for that, absolutely.
- And it's around that time that "dead as a dodo" seemed to become a popular phrase.
- Yeah.
From dik-diks to Moby Dick, who is a sperm whale, of course.
A sperm whale's penis, as, er, I think we may have covered even in the first series - Is vast.
- is nine foot long and one foot in diameter.
What uses can you think of - for Moby's dick? - I'm I'm sorry.
- Way ahead of you! - You've been thinking about this.
- I I No, I - Shinning up it! - Shinning up it.
- I remember reading somewhere that when, erm, Maria Callas first went aboard Onassis's yacht.
- Yes.
- I thought you were going to say "Onassis's cock"! - It's a bar stool.
Onassis's cock, yeah.
And apparently the bar stools on the his yacht, the Christina - Were made out of sperm whale's knob.
- The seats were made out of sperm whale's prepuces, or foreskins.
- Did they kill a whale for each one? Or did they just swim under and circumcise them? - No, he he made a point of saying it to people.
Well, there's a full description in the novel Moby Dick by Herman Melville.
- Oh they turn it into millions of things.
- No.
Oddly enough, one thing.
It's quite an interesting description.
A sailor called the mincer He comes along and he takes He takes it "I found this!" They dragged it behind the boat and they all sat astride it.
Taking it in turns, it was ten euros.
Well, apparently, erm, he "staggers off with it as if he were a grenadier carrying a dead comrade from the field.
" Then he extends it "upon the forecastle deck" and he "proceeds cylindrically to remove the dark pelt.
" The outer skin of it, the slidy bit that goes up and down, I guess.
This done, he turns it inside out, he "gives it a good stretching, so as to almost double the diameter," so it's now two foot wide, but still nine foot tall.
So it wasn't big enough.
Right, exactly.
And then "he hangs it, well spread, in the rigging, to dry.
" Right.
"Ere long it is taken down;" erm, "when removing some three foot of it," so it's now about six foot by two foot wide.
- Waistcoat.
- He cuts a couple of arm holes and makes an apron.
There you are.
Erm, and there's your mincer.
"He now stands before you investedvin the full canonicals.
" "Do you like my apron?" "Yes, I quite like your apron? How do you get it?" "Well, it's easiest thing in the world.
What I did is I cut a sperm whale's cock off, dragged it onto a ship, skinned it, hung it inside out, hung it up at the top of the rigging for ages" I don't believe that "ere long"; I mean, it's not going to dry out if the weather's bad.
"And then you've got yourself an apron.
" Surely there are easier ways of making an apron! Not in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, there aren't.
Well, you should bring them with you! I mean if he got a TV out of it, that would be great! I could understand the effort.
Does it have a bone in it? Like a badger? - Yeah, a badger has a bone in it.
- A badger has a bone in its in its cock, yes.
That's not suitable for apron-making then.
- That's not It's a bigger job, isn't it? - You could make You could make an apron for a - A squirrel.
- for a wasp.
A squirrel, maybe.
So much for Moby Dick.
Er, who rode from London to York in fifteen hours? - It was Dick Turpin? - Oh, no, it wasn't.
- No, no, no.
No, you fell into our little heffalump trap again.
No, it was a man called "Swift Nick" Nevinson.
"Swift Nick" Nevinson was a rather splendid highwayman, and he never hurt people; he was charming and he was very popular.
He held some people up in Gad's Hill in Kent, and then rode like fury two hundred miles to York, where he went into a bowling match with the Mayor of York, and he bet him on the outcome of the match.
So that when two days later the police came to arrest him, he could use the Mayor as an alibi.
And the Mayor said, "No, he was he was playing bowls with me.
" Because no one could imagine that you could get from Kent to York in fifteen hours.
And the latest news here from my little screen is: "Sperm whales do have bones in their penises.
" I get very odd text messages sometimes.
If you wanted to know.
But "Swift Nick" was given his name by Charles II himself.
But why did Dick Turpin get the name for being the one who rode to York? He did ride to York, but he took a long time over it.
- On Black Bess.
- It was on Black Bess.
From Epping Forest, where he lived for a bit.
He did live in Epping Forest.
You're getting points! And there was a night club called Turpins; it was closed down 'cause someone got glassed.
So, but Unfortunately, unlike Nevinson, he would torture old women - and little girls for money.
- He was no Robin Hood.
They'd try to dress him up like that in Epping Forest.
- Yeah.
But it was a man called Harrison Ainsworth, the novelist, - Yes.
Rookwood.
who in 1834, wrote Rookwood.
Exactly.
- And you get a point for muttering Rookwood under your breath there.
- Sorry.
The first time you've muttered under your breath and it's actually meant something.
Still, there we are.
And he, for some reason, attributed all Nevinson's deeds to Dick Turpin.
How did Nevinson, if we know that he never hurt anyone in any of his robberies How did he get on as a highwayman? Because surely Did he have to pretend he wasn't Nevinson? - That's true.
- "No, actually, I'm Dick Turpin; I'm a real shit.
" But they said, "No, you're not, you're that Nevinson; you're not going to do anything.
" "Oh, no, I know, but please, just give me the stuff anyway.
" - Do you know how Turpin got arrested? What actually happened? - No.
- It was a very bizarre story, really.
- Tax fraud, wasn't it? It wasn't tax fraud.
No, he went to live in York and changed his name to John Palmer, and he did a bit of cattle rustling.
But he did get arraigned for shooting his his landlord's cock after a jolly day out hunting.
And the authorities didn't know who he really was, so he wrote to his brother-in-law for a character reference.
Er, but his brother-in-law turned the letter away because he saw "From: John Palmer", and in those days you had to pay sixpence to receive the letter.
And he said, "I don't know this person, so I'm not going to pay for it.
" And it went back to the post master, who happened to be the person who taught Dick Turpin to read and write.
And he recognised Dick Turpin's hand writing and grassed him up.
"Stitched him up like a kipper!" I do all the characters.
And then And then, to make matters worse, the hangman was an ex-partner of his, who in exchange for a pardon, had agreed to become a hangman.
It's like there were only twelve people in England at that time.
- Tim Spall's new film has just come out by Albert Pierrepoint.
- Pierrepoint, yes.
He opened a pub called, erm, The Struggling Man, and he got it down to seven seconds, apparently, Pierrepoint, from leaving the cell to the prisoner being dead.
Seven seconds.
Did he put them on roller skates? One of those rope slides.
"Put this 'round your neck, would you?" Do you know, if you're an American black youth living in Compton, Watts, various other of those sort of neighbourhoods and ghettos in the worst parts of America, and you shoot someone, in cold blood, and are given the death penalty as a result of it, you will have a longer life than if you don't.
Because the life expectancy is so low.
- The life expectancy on the streets is lower than on Death Row.
- Yes.
But does that mean that they go out to shoot people to prolong their lives? A friend of mine's a cameraman, and he was doing a documentary in Los Angeles, and he became friends with a policeman whom he'd been interviewing, and he said, "Well, come up in my helicopter," because he needed aerial shots of LA, and it's very expensive to hire a helicopter for the day.
So he went up in this helicopter going over LA.
And, er, he said, "You've got a weird, erm Is it your GPS system, the thing that goes 'ping' all the time?" He says, "No, that's bullets hitting the bottom of the, er, helicopter.
" They have to have reinforced metal underneath it.
They see a police helicopter: they just shoot it all the time.
It's because there are no more passenger pigeons, that's what it is! Yeah.
It was just going, "Ping! Ping! Ping-ping-ping-ping!" all the time.
So, this puts us firmly in the saddle of General Ignorance.
Fingers on triggers, please.
What crime was committed by Burke and Hare? - David Mitchell.
- They, er Body-snatching.
- Not again.
Thank you for falling into our trap.
No.
There was a more serious capital crime that they committed - and that was simply murder.
- Murder, oh.
They actually cut out the bit where you actually wait for someone to die, snatch their body, give it to a doctor They actually killed sixteen people, and took the bodies to a doctor called Knox, who didn't ask questions, for his dissection.
Because body snatching was quite popular, wasn't it? Oh, yes.
They called them the "resurrection men".
- Part of the black economy in those days.
It was just - Yeah.
There was a lot of dissection going on.
In fact, now they don't do it.
Computers and things.
Medical students don't really get the chance to cut open a body - Really? - There was an awful story of the medical students and they used to remove the penis from a body, and they went to a party and this chap attached it to his trousers, like and a woman came up to him and said, "What are you doing? Your penis is hanging out of your trousers.
" And he said, "Oh, is it?" and he cut it off.
And And she collapsed.
She fainted.
Barry Humphries, when he was a drinker, used to do this thing: He used to have a spoon and a little jar of Heinz Sandwich Spread in his jacket and on a flight he would start going very queasy and he'd ask for a sick bag.
And like that into the bag.
Like that.
And then he'd secretly fill it with sandwich spread.
And then he'd take his spoon out and he'd just - Very odd.
- That is simply showing off.
Erm, that's enough Burke and Hare.
Another question.
What sort of hair does an underground fluffer deal with? - Andy.
- Is it anything to do with the tube? Is it "underground" as in - is the right answer.
You avoided our trap.
Nothing to do with films and pornography or anything of that kind.
- Is it to do with cleaning the rails? - Yes.
- Cleaning the rails.
Gangs of six every night go down and gather up the hair.
Thirty mile an hour winds come when a train enters the station - and a lot of hair gets blown down into the tunnels.
- Really? Yeah, that's how I lost mine actually.
Most of it is Tottenham Court Road.
And it's statically attracted to the rail, is it? - Well, it's And it's a prime cause of fire.
That's the problem.
- I don't understand why you can't have You know, like you used to have a a cleaning tape for your cassette deck That just runs along behind.
Why they can't have a cleaning tube? You just send a big furry train down.
Well, that's the fluffers.
What's happened to fluffers in the porn industry? - They're no longer used.
- Yes, and why would that be? I wish David, why is that? - The porn industry.
I feel it's your question.
- It's a VAT issue.
And And Health and Safety, as well, I think.
It's something else beginning with "V".
Viagra.
It's done them out of business.
The fluffer, for those who don't know, was the person in a porn film whose job it was to excite the membrum virile of the male artistes.
- And then turn it into an apron.
- That's it.
Absolutely.
Yes, fluffers clean the tracks, they save lives, and they stop trains running late.
It's a really tough and under-appreciated job, and I think they deserve a round of applause from us.
Hurray! Now, whose official motto is E Pluribus Unum? It's not the Four Musketeers or something like that? No.
It's on the great seal of the United States of America.
E Pluribus Unum.
It means "out of many, one.
" But it's actually the motto of Benfica.
Sport Lisboa e Benfica.
We thought you'd say United States of America because we thought it was quite well known.
Little bit too far ahead of me now.
- I know where Benfica is.
- Yes? Where is it? - It's in Lisbon.
- It is in Lisbon, absolutely right.
Eusebio was their star player.
There's a statue of him outside the ground.
- I remember him.
- He was from Mozambique.
America's is "In God We Trust" actually.
It used to be "E Pluribus Unum".
They changed it in 1956 to "In God We Trust".
- And that's when it all started to go - I'm afraid so.
But you obviously don't watch "Who Wants to be a Celebrity Millionaire", or "Celebrity Who Wants to be a Millionaire", - or "Who Celebrity be Wants a Celebrity" - Takes too long to answer the question.
You've got to have it on Sky Plus and then you can fast forward.
Yeah.
I mean he stops to talk to them Who cares? Shut up! Just ask a poxy question.
- Yes.
Get on with it! - It's "B"! It's "B"! It's obviously "B"! Anyway, - Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen, er - Got half a million quid.
Erm, yes, but, he was.
.
He went to the million, and he was asked the question of "What motto of the United States is translated from the Latin?" and he gave the answer, "In God We Trust," which is the motto of the United States, but it isn't translated from Latin.
- And he lost four hundred and sixty eight thousand pounds and went back to thirty two thousand.
- Good Lord.
And then they thought they'd make a bit of a bish in, because it's The motto of the United States is not "E Pluribus Unum", which is what they had given as one of the other answers.
So he was invited back the next week, apparently.
They gave him the money back; they gave him the half million.
Yes.
Exactly.
The phrase E Pluribus Unum actually comes from a recipe for salad dressing, in inn - For thousand island? - Attributed to Virgil.
No, "color est e pluribus unus," and so on, it goes on like that.
That's where they first found the phrase.
Erm, so, for Oh! That was actually going to be the bonus question and I've fucked it up completely.
Erm Never mind.
Someone's weeing on the salad, which is a bit - So they are.
How bizarre.
- Maybe it's - Salvador Dali.
I believe they call it "drizzling' in the trade, don't they? Yeah, maybe it's a work of art.
Yes.
Oh, they've asked me to ask the question again.
All right.
So, for fifty bonus points That's so sweet.
For fifty bonus points, erm, er, which completely could completely turn the game round after all, at this late stage, er, what was "E pluribus unum" originally? - What was it, Alan? - I think it comes from a a salad dressing? Or something in the salad It's a recipe.
Something from a recipe with salad in it Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
There we are.
So sweet.
- Brilliant.
You're absolutely I don't know how you knew that.
- I don't know.
I think we've confused the viewer at home.
It's one of those things you know, but you don't know how you know it.
There's a lot of space in my head for those things.
- Well, you're absolutely right.
I'm very impressed.
- Thank you very much.
- It was an early kind of Latin salsa verde or pesto.
Which brings us to the delicious matter of the scores! Out of the many we have one winner, In last place, just, with minus nine, is David Mitchell.
Well played.
And, in third place, with minus eight, Andy Hamilton.
In second place, with minus four, is John Sessions.
Do my eyes deceive me, ladies and gentlemen? In first place, with fifty-four points, is Alan Davies! The amazing thing is, you would have won even without that bonus.
It's one of the happiest days of my life.
Oh.
Well, it's a happy day whenever you're here.
And my thanks go to our other happy, happy happies, Andy, David, John, and Alan.
And I leave you now to mull on the complex moral implications of the tragic tale of four carrier pigeons that landed in a Canadian army trench during the First World War.
The Canadians ate three of them and used the fourth to send a thank you letter.
Good night.
Our panel tonight is sagacious, prehensile, and sharp as a tack.
The discriminating David Mitchell, the discursive Andy Hamilton, the dexterous Johnny Sessions and Alan "deep as a D-cup" Davies.
Tonight, the buzzers are all slightly disparaging.
David goes: Andy goes: Johnny goes: And Alan goes: Which brings us to our first question.
Erm, which is the bravest species of animal? - Yes? - I think it might be the Ichneumon.
The mongoose.
Yes.
Yes.
Erm, because the mongoose is basically like a sort of glorified ferret, and it goes out of its way to kill cobras, and cobras can kill you just by looking at you the wrong way.
- So I think that's pretty brave.
- Why does it kill cobras? Because if it can only eat cobra, it's not brave: it's just sensible.
It's just you know.
No, but cobras, you know: they come out of baskets; they sing; they dance Sort of Les Dennis of the snake world.
They're literally the hoodie of the snake world, aren't they? They've got the little hoods round their heads.
They're not that brave, though, 'cause as far as I'm aware, the mongoose nearly always wins.
I've never seen a David Attenborough where he suddenly goes, "Oh dear, the mongoose has copped it.
" What's difficult about this question, I think, is you need some kind of comparative unit of bravery.
I think And we have one.
How do we show how brave people are in a graded order? - Medals.
- Soldiers, for example.
Medals! - Right.
- There are bound to be loads of horses and dogs, that have been ridiculously given medals - Pigeons.
if they understood what they were doing at all.
Pigeons get them; they get medals for making it back.
Yes, I'm going to give you the points, Alan; you said "pigeons", didn't you? - Yes.
Points? - Pigeons Yes, "pigeons" mean "points".
Brilliant.
Maria Dickin, who founded the People's Dispensary for Sick Animals.
In 1943, she instituted a medal called the Dickin, which is the equivalent of a Victoria Cross for animals that serve in the armed forces.
- She sounds really bonkers.
- Yeah, just a bit, doesn't she.
To be brave you need to know the element of risk.
So I reckon probably the bravest is something like a robin.
'Cause I've seen robins mob cats, you know; that's the equivalent of of us running towards - Is this as in Batman? - a tiger.
- Well, 'cause that's just not fair, is it? - No, that's Well, anyway, the Dickin medal has been awarded sixty times, and thirty-two times, it's gone to a pigeon.
Once to a cat.
A cat on board HMS Amethyst, - the Yangtze Incident.
- Yangtze Incident is 1949, isn't it? - Entire crew saved by a cat.
- Yeah.
Well, it ate all the rats on the ship.
- That's not bravery, though.
That's just greed.
- It is really, isn't it, to be perfectly honest.
Fat moggy.
"Medal? Yeah.
" Yes, the answer is "carrier pigeons", as in "D" for "doves".
The London pigeon is a dove, and it's known as the "wild rock dove", - and is the ancestor of all doves and pigeons.
- Really? The doves that won the Dickin medal were, strictly speaking, non-combatants.
And that's not true of all military pigeons.
I wonder if you can imagine what a kamikaze pigeon unit did.
Fly into things? Fly into planes, engines? - You're getting there.
It's a very complicated - Fly down guns.
- It's a manual - Nest! A terrible nuisance to get out.
It was to fly It was to fly at ships, but in a very particular way: inside, erm, a missile.
It's got a window, all right? I'll explain it to you.
Here's a pigeon; I've got a pigeon here.
Erm Voila! And I have a ship here.
And you train the pigeon to peck at a ship and every time it does it's rewarded with grain.
Then you put it inside this missile with a glass front Right.
And a ship comes into view but it's slightly on the left.
Well, the pigeon's behavioral response is to peck towards where it is.
And this activates a relay and as it gets nearer the ship and it gets bigger and bigger, it pecks more and more and more and more, which tells them that they're on the right track.
And they get really really close, and it explodes in a ball of flame.
- Destroying - And that's And that's the thanks it gets! That's the thanks.
It maybe gets showered with grain at the last second, just as a thank you.
Who knows.
But it's a guidance system.
- And did it work? - It wasn't used, but what they did, using this man Skinner, this behavioral psychologist's, er, experiments, was they instead, they got a bit of glass, and instead of having a target on it or anything like that, it was just a plain piece of glass with an orange dot on it and every time the pigeon hit the dot exactly like that it would get rewarded.
Can you imagine why that would be useful? I was thinking about this just the other day.
It's funny you said that.
A very slow form of execution for someone? You put an orange dot on them.
Put a pigeon in the room; you come back in about twelve years No, pigeons have very good eyesight, and if an air rescue helicopter is searching the sea, and someone's in a little orange dinghy, or an orange life jacket, the pigeon will always see it as a little dot in its screen, so it'll go like that thinking it's going to get fed.
- And that will alert the pilot.
- Good Lord.
And it works.
And that's beneficial and no one dies.
Someone might even get saved.
And then you eat the pigeon on the way back.
The passenger pigeon.
Is that a familiar species to any of you? Its one of the saddest stories.
There were flocks of them in America, - and I'm not kidding, that were one mile wide and three hundred miles long.
- Good Lord.
You'd have two billion of these birds.
They were just the most extraordinary sight in nature, probably.
- So they're shitting whole hills.
- Yes, absolutely.
Can you imagine? Get caught under that and you are dead.
And you are seriously dead! In 1896 they killed the final flock of a quarter of a million in one day.
- Knowing it was the last flock.
- Who are ? American sportsmen, and I use the word "sport" quite wrongly.
- Did you know about the Puccini gun? The composer Puccini - Yes.
was a great shooter of birds, as a lot of Italians are.
When I was in his house at Torre del Lago, there was the Puccini gun, which he made himself, and he'd be sitting there writing, you know, lovely opera, lovely opera and he'd hear a snipe outside the window; he'd grab this thing, which had a bore on it like a drain pipe, and he could bring down fifty snipe in one go.
Oh, you see? Is that sport? He's Italian.
Italians, Americans I mean, really.
It's horrible.
But can you imagine that? And then on one day; knowing you're wiping out an entire species to kill a quarter of a million birds in a day.
- Did Did they know it was the last quarter of a million? - Yes.
They knew.
And they sort of thought.
"Fantastic, let's finish them off.
" Yeah.
That was the last flock and then the last bird itself died in Cincinnati Zoo in 1914.
- She was called Martha.
- So the pigeons in Trafalgar Square: they're wild rock pigeons? - Wild rock doves.
- Wild rock doves.
- Yeah.
Do they know that? 'Cause they You don't tend to see them on the cliffs at Beachy Head.
They're confused by our rock cliffs, aren't they? That's the problem.
Pablo Picasso was a keen pigeon fancier.
His father was a painter of pigeons.
It was a style - Yes.
Exactly.
- in late 19th century Malaga.
Instead of like flower genre painting in France, or whatever, his father was a "pigeoniana", or whatever it was called.
And when he discovered how good his son was, he gave him his brushes and never painted again.
- Fantail pigeons, he collected himself.
- Yes.
And of course he called his daughter ? - Paloma.
- Which is Spanish for a "dove" or "pigeon".
- Indeed.
- Una paloma blanca, I remember.
- Yes.
There we are, so, B F Skinner was the name of the man who designed these missiles aimed by pigeons who were tapping in the nose.
And it was, er, tested successfully, but never actually saw action.
Arthur Garfield Dove.
She was a painter, regarded by many as the first abstract painter in America.
Was a friend and associate of the subject of our next question, which is: which is: What practical use can you think of for the work of art which the Turner Prize Committee voted as the most influential modern work ever? You'd sleep in it.
- You'd sleep in it.
- Was it Marcel Duchamp's urinal, - which has the obvious usage of being a urinal.
- Pissing in it, basically.
- Yeah, pissing in it, yes.
- is the right answer, yes.
There it is.
It's a 1917 work entitled Fountain.
It's worth three point six million dollars.
It's signed R Mutt.
R is for Richard, which is a kind of French slang that, as well as being a name, means "money-bags".
- But it's upside down.
- Is it? Can I also point out, it's not plumbed in to anything.
So personally I wouldn't piss in it.
Many artists have pissed in it, when it's been on display, as a either a statement of hatred for it or as support of it.
- And one was fined six thousand, five hundred dollars.
- Someone's paid three million dollars for that? Three It's worth It's reckoned to be worth three and a half million, the Stieglitz's gallery.
As As works of art go, it's going to be do less damage pissing in that than - say pissing on the Mona Lisa, though.
- Exactly.
Yeah.
- But Marcel Duchamp famously did a Mona Lisa with a moustache and goatee.
- Yes, he did.
- Dove and Duchamp were both members of the Dada movement, as we're on D's - Yeah.
Mm.
Talking of repetitious "D" words, what did the dik-dik do that the dodo didn't? - It flew.
- It flew? - No, it didn't.
- No.
- It tasted disgusting.
- Oddly enough, the opposite is, probably.
- Oh, right.
Do you know what a dik-dik is? That would help.
- Yes, it's a little gazelle-y kind of thingie.
- Absolutely.
.
- Can it Can it climb trees? - No.
- It's a tiny antelope.
I mean, - It can hide in bushes.
It's about the size of a hare.
- Is it extinct? - No, it's not extinct.
- 'Cause I I notice that's a photo.
- Yes, exactly.
Using my skills as a historian! Sharp work! Yes.
And that means it could survive, and it survived because it could hide.
It didn't really run so much, but they hide, and they live at night and they're very, very shy.
- And dodos, unfortunately - Dodo's are like that: "OLE!" - Yes, exactly.
- "Come on in! Get off the boat, bring your guns.
" - Exactly right.
- They made a very distinctive "I'll help you carry that.
" It's true.
Mauritius is where they came from.
And the rats, pigs, dogs, and humans that arrived in the 17th century as you say, it just was not afraid of them, because there were no ground level predators on the entire island, so it had no reason to be distrustful.
Whereas dik-diks in Africa, of course, had lions and things to contend with and were very, very shy, so So essentially it sounds quite brave.
- It was brave! Maybe the dodo - It's the bravest animal and the dik-diks are a bloody cowards and they're still hanging around, you know, posing for photos.
Do you know what sort of animal it is? What it's related to? - A turkey? - It's a pigeon, actually.
- It's a pigeon, is it? - It doesn't look like one, but it is a pigeon.
I should have known it was a dove.
And it was entirely forgotten until 1860s, roughly.
And suddenly everybody was talking about dodos again, because they appeared in a book, a very famous book.
- Oh! Is it It's Alice In Wonderland.
- Alice In Wonderland.
Give yourself some points for that, absolutely.
- And it's around that time that "dead as a dodo" seemed to become a popular phrase.
- Yeah.
From dik-diks to Moby Dick, who is a sperm whale, of course.
A sperm whale's penis, as, er, I think we may have covered even in the first series - Is vast.
- is nine foot long and one foot in diameter.
What uses can you think of - for Moby's dick? - I'm I'm sorry.
- Way ahead of you! - You've been thinking about this.
- I I No, I - Shinning up it! - Shinning up it.
- I remember reading somewhere that when, erm, Maria Callas first went aboard Onassis's yacht.
- Yes.
- I thought you were going to say "Onassis's cock"! - It's a bar stool.
Onassis's cock, yeah.
And apparently the bar stools on the his yacht, the Christina - Were made out of sperm whale's knob.
- The seats were made out of sperm whale's prepuces, or foreskins.
- Did they kill a whale for each one? Or did they just swim under and circumcise them? - No, he he made a point of saying it to people.
Well, there's a full description in the novel Moby Dick by Herman Melville.
- Oh they turn it into millions of things.
- No.
Oddly enough, one thing.
It's quite an interesting description.
A sailor called the mincer He comes along and he takes He takes it "I found this!" They dragged it behind the boat and they all sat astride it.
Taking it in turns, it was ten euros.
Well, apparently, erm, he "staggers off with it as if he were a grenadier carrying a dead comrade from the field.
" Then he extends it "upon the forecastle deck" and he "proceeds cylindrically to remove the dark pelt.
" The outer skin of it, the slidy bit that goes up and down, I guess.
This done, he turns it inside out, he "gives it a good stretching, so as to almost double the diameter," so it's now two foot wide, but still nine foot tall.
So it wasn't big enough.
Right, exactly.
And then "he hangs it, well spread, in the rigging, to dry.
" Right.
"Ere long it is taken down;" erm, "when removing some three foot of it," so it's now about six foot by two foot wide.
- Waistcoat.
- He cuts a couple of arm holes and makes an apron.
There you are.
Erm, and there's your mincer.
"He now stands before you investedvin the full canonicals.
" "Do you like my apron?" "Yes, I quite like your apron? How do you get it?" "Well, it's easiest thing in the world.
What I did is I cut a sperm whale's cock off, dragged it onto a ship, skinned it, hung it inside out, hung it up at the top of the rigging for ages" I don't believe that "ere long"; I mean, it's not going to dry out if the weather's bad.
"And then you've got yourself an apron.
" Surely there are easier ways of making an apron! Not in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, there aren't.
Well, you should bring them with you! I mean if he got a TV out of it, that would be great! I could understand the effort.
Does it have a bone in it? Like a badger? - Yeah, a badger has a bone in it.
- A badger has a bone in its in its cock, yes.
That's not suitable for apron-making then.
- That's not It's a bigger job, isn't it? - You could make You could make an apron for a - A squirrel.
- for a wasp.
A squirrel, maybe.
So much for Moby Dick.
Er, who rode from London to York in fifteen hours? - It was Dick Turpin? - Oh, no, it wasn't.
- No, no, no.
No, you fell into our little heffalump trap again.
No, it was a man called "Swift Nick" Nevinson.
"Swift Nick" Nevinson was a rather splendid highwayman, and he never hurt people; he was charming and he was very popular.
He held some people up in Gad's Hill in Kent, and then rode like fury two hundred miles to York, where he went into a bowling match with the Mayor of York, and he bet him on the outcome of the match.
So that when two days later the police came to arrest him, he could use the Mayor as an alibi.
And the Mayor said, "No, he was he was playing bowls with me.
" Because no one could imagine that you could get from Kent to York in fifteen hours.
And the latest news here from my little screen is: "Sperm whales do have bones in their penises.
" I get very odd text messages sometimes.
If you wanted to know.
But "Swift Nick" was given his name by Charles II himself.
But why did Dick Turpin get the name for being the one who rode to York? He did ride to York, but he took a long time over it.
- On Black Bess.
- It was on Black Bess.
From Epping Forest, where he lived for a bit.
He did live in Epping Forest.
You're getting points! And there was a night club called Turpins; it was closed down 'cause someone got glassed.
So, but Unfortunately, unlike Nevinson, he would torture old women - and little girls for money.
- He was no Robin Hood.
They'd try to dress him up like that in Epping Forest.
- Yeah.
But it was a man called Harrison Ainsworth, the novelist, - Yes.
Rookwood.
who in 1834, wrote Rookwood.
Exactly.
- And you get a point for muttering Rookwood under your breath there.
- Sorry.
The first time you've muttered under your breath and it's actually meant something.
Still, there we are.
And he, for some reason, attributed all Nevinson's deeds to Dick Turpin.
How did Nevinson, if we know that he never hurt anyone in any of his robberies How did he get on as a highwayman? Because surely Did he have to pretend he wasn't Nevinson? - That's true.
- "No, actually, I'm Dick Turpin; I'm a real shit.
" But they said, "No, you're not, you're that Nevinson; you're not going to do anything.
" "Oh, no, I know, but please, just give me the stuff anyway.
" - Do you know how Turpin got arrested? What actually happened? - No.
- It was a very bizarre story, really.
- Tax fraud, wasn't it? It wasn't tax fraud.
No, he went to live in York and changed his name to John Palmer, and he did a bit of cattle rustling.
But he did get arraigned for shooting his his landlord's cock after a jolly day out hunting.
And the authorities didn't know who he really was, so he wrote to his brother-in-law for a character reference.
Er, but his brother-in-law turned the letter away because he saw "From: John Palmer", and in those days you had to pay sixpence to receive the letter.
And he said, "I don't know this person, so I'm not going to pay for it.
" And it went back to the post master, who happened to be the person who taught Dick Turpin to read and write.
And he recognised Dick Turpin's hand writing and grassed him up.
"Stitched him up like a kipper!" I do all the characters.
And then And then, to make matters worse, the hangman was an ex-partner of his, who in exchange for a pardon, had agreed to become a hangman.
It's like there were only twelve people in England at that time.
- Tim Spall's new film has just come out by Albert Pierrepoint.
- Pierrepoint, yes.
He opened a pub called, erm, The Struggling Man, and he got it down to seven seconds, apparently, Pierrepoint, from leaving the cell to the prisoner being dead.
Seven seconds.
Did he put them on roller skates? One of those rope slides.
"Put this 'round your neck, would you?" Do you know, if you're an American black youth living in Compton, Watts, various other of those sort of neighbourhoods and ghettos in the worst parts of America, and you shoot someone, in cold blood, and are given the death penalty as a result of it, you will have a longer life than if you don't.
Because the life expectancy is so low.
- The life expectancy on the streets is lower than on Death Row.
- Yes.
But does that mean that they go out to shoot people to prolong their lives? A friend of mine's a cameraman, and he was doing a documentary in Los Angeles, and he became friends with a policeman whom he'd been interviewing, and he said, "Well, come up in my helicopter," because he needed aerial shots of LA, and it's very expensive to hire a helicopter for the day.
So he went up in this helicopter going over LA.
And, er, he said, "You've got a weird, erm Is it your GPS system, the thing that goes 'ping' all the time?" He says, "No, that's bullets hitting the bottom of the, er, helicopter.
" They have to have reinforced metal underneath it.
They see a police helicopter: they just shoot it all the time.
It's because there are no more passenger pigeons, that's what it is! Yeah.
It was just going, "Ping! Ping! Ping-ping-ping-ping!" all the time.
So, this puts us firmly in the saddle of General Ignorance.
Fingers on triggers, please.
What crime was committed by Burke and Hare? - David Mitchell.
- They, er Body-snatching.
- Not again.
Thank you for falling into our trap.
No.
There was a more serious capital crime that they committed - and that was simply murder.
- Murder, oh.
They actually cut out the bit where you actually wait for someone to die, snatch their body, give it to a doctor They actually killed sixteen people, and took the bodies to a doctor called Knox, who didn't ask questions, for his dissection.
Because body snatching was quite popular, wasn't it? Oh, yes.
They called them the "resurrection men".
- Part of the black economy in those days.
It was just - Yeah.
There was a lot of dissection going on.
In fact, now they don't do it.
Computers and things.
Medical students don't really get the chance to cut open a body - Really? - There was an awful story of the medical students and they used to remove the penis from a body, and they went to a party and this chap attached it to his trousers, like and a woman came up to him and said, "What are you doing? Your penis is hanging out of your trousers.
" And he said, "Oh, is it?" and he cut it off.
And And she collapsed.
She fainted.
Barry Humphries, when he was a drinker, used to do this thing: He used to have a spoon and a little jar of Heinz Sandwich Spread in his jacket and on a flight he would start going very queasy and he'd ask for a sick bag.
And like that into the bag.
Like that.
And then he'd secretly fill it with sandwich spread.
And then he'd take his spoon out and he'd just - Very odd.
- That is simply showing off.
Erm, that's enough Burke and Hare.
Another question.
What sort of hair does an underground fluffer deal with? - Andy.
- Is it anything to do with the tube? Is it "underground" as in - is the right answer.
You avoided our trap.
Nothing to do with films and pornography or anything of that kind.
- Is it to do with cleaning the rails? - Yes.
- Cleaning the rails.
Gangs of six every night go down and gather up the hair.
Thirty mile an hour winds come when a train enters the station - and a lot of hair gets blown down into the tunnels.
- Really? Yeah, that's how I lost mine actually.
Most of it is Tottenham Court Road.
And it's statically attracted to the rail, is it? - Well, it's And it's a prime cause of fire.
That's the problem.
- I don't understand why you can't have You know, like you used to have a a cleaning tape for your cassette deck That just runs along behind.
Why they can't have a cleaning tube? You just send a big furry train down.
Well, that's the fluffers.
What's happened to fluffers in the porn industry? - They're no longer used.
- Yes, and why would that be? I wish David, why is that? - The porn industry.
I feel it's your question.
- It's a VAT issue.
And And Health and Safety, as well, I think.
It's something else beginning with "V".
Viagra.
It's done them out of business.
The fluffer, for those who don't know, was the person in a porn film whose job it was to excite the membrum virile of the male artistes.
- And then turn it into an apron.
- That's it.
Absolutely.
Yes, fluffers clean the tracks, they save lives, and they stop trains running late.
It's a really tough and under-appreciated job, and I think they deserve a round of applause from us.
Hurray! Now, whose official motto is E Pluribus Unum? It's not the Four Musketeers or something like that? No.
It's on the great seal of the United States of America.
E Pluribus Unum.
It means "out of many, one.
" But it's actually the motto of Benfica.
Sport Lisboa e Benfica.
We thought you'd say United States of America because we thought it was quite well known.
Little bit too far ahead of me now.
- I know where Benfica is.
- Yes? Where is it? - It's in Lisbon.
- It is in Lisbon, absolutely right.
Eusebio was their star player.
There's a statue of him outside the ground.
- I remember him.
- He was from Mozambique.
America's is "In God We Trust" actually.
It used to be "E Pluribus Unum".
They changed it in 1956 to "In God We Trust".
- And that's when it all started to go - I'm afraid so.
But you obviously don't watch "Who Wants to be a Celebrity Millionaire", or "Celebrity Who Wants to be a Millionaire", - or "Who Celebrity be Wants a Celebrity" - Takes too long to answer the question.
You've got to have it on Sky Plus and then you can fast forward.
Yeah.
I mean he stops to talk to them Who cares? Shut up! Just ask a poxy question.
- Yes.
Get on with it! - It's "B"! It's "B"! It's obviously "B"! Anyway, - Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen, er - Got half a million quid.
Erm, yes, but, he was.
.
He went to the million, and he was asked the question of "What motto of the United States is translated from the Latin?" and he gave the answer, "In God We Trust," which is the motto of the United States, but it isn't translated from Latin.
- And he lost four hundred and sixty eight thousand pounds and went back to thirty two thousand.
- Good Lord.
And then they thought they'd make a bit of a bish in, because it's The motto of the United States is not "E Pluribus Unum", which is what they had given as one of the other answers.
So he was invited back the next week, apparently.
They gave him the money back; they gave him the half million.
Yes.
Exactly.
The phrase E Pluribus Unum actually comes from a recipe for salad dressing, in inn - For thousand island? - Attributed to Virgil.
No, "color est e pluribus unus," and so on, it goes on like that.
That's where they first found the phrase.
Erm, so, for Oh! That was actually going to be the bonus question and I've fucked it up completely.
Erm Never mind.
Someone's weeing on the salad, which is a bit - So they are.
How bizarre.
- Maybe it's - Salvador Dali.
I believe they call it "drizzling' in the trade, don't they? Yeah, maybe it's a work of art.
Yes.
Oh, they've asked me to ask the question again.
All right.
So, for fifty bonus points That's so sweet.
For fifty bonus points, erm, er, which completely could completely turn the game round after all, at this late stage, er, what was "E pluribus unum" originally? - What was it, Alan? - I think it comes from a a salad dressing? Or something in the salad It's a recipe.
Something from a recipe with salad in it Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
There we are.
So sweet.
- Brilliant.
You're absolutely I don't know how you knew that.
- I don't know.
I think we've confused the viewer at home.
It's one of those things you know, but you don't know how you know it.
There's a lot of space in my head for those things.
- Well, you're absolutely right.
I'm very impressed.
- Thank you very much.
- It was an early kind of Latin salsa verde or pesto.
Which brings us to the delicious matter of the scores! Out of the many we have one winner, In last place, just, with minus nine, is David Mitchell.
Well played.
And, in third place, with minus eight, Andy Hamilton.
In second place, with minus four, is John Sessions.
Do my eyes deceive me, ladies and gentlemen? In first place, with fifty-four points, is Alan Davies! The amazing thing is, you would have won even without that bonus.
It's one of the happiest days of my life.
Oh.
Well, it's a happy day whenever you're here.
And my thanks go to our other happy, happy happies, Andy, David, John, and Alan.
And I leave you now to mull on the complex moral implications of the tragic tale of four carrier pigeons that landed in a Canadian army trench during the First World War.
The Canadians ate three of them and used the fourth to send a thank you letter.
Good night.