Roseanne s04e09 Episode Script

Mom wants you to set the table.
I'm working on my paper.
Yeah, right.
What's the topic, Larry, the unsung stooge? No.
Columbus-- heroic explorer or scumball from Spain? Man, you must really want to go to summer school, huh? It's totally bogus.
He was a slave trader.
Do they want the truth, Or do they want me to spit back the textbook? Who's the teacher? Grayson.
Oh.
Spit.
High school's just learning lies and telling lies.
Then how come you ain't getting any As? We'll be eating in five minutes, and after two or three helpings, people might notice that there's no silverware.
One minute.
Mmm.
What smells good? Prime rib, baked potatoes, and all the trimmings.
Hey, that does smell good.
What are we having? Something I need scissors for.
Darlene, set the table! Coming! I got a call from Stan Becker this morning.
Oh, gee, that reminds me-- Stan Becker called yesterday.
He mentioned that.
Anyway, he's remodeling the pizza barn, His regular drywaller bailed on him, So he offered me a buttload of money to do the job.
I said I don't do that anymore.
He says he's heard it's slow at the shop, And he's in a bind.
He made me promise to talk it over with you.
What do you think? Sorry.
I kind of quit listening right after buttload of money.
I'll feel like a total washout.
Well, we do what we got to do, Dan.
If we didn't settle for less every so often, me and you would be married to other people.
I don't know.
I got to think about it.
Oh, don't do that.
I'm serious.
Grayson's the summer school king.
You don't give him what he wants, You're looking at eight weeks in a moron steam bath.
I don't know what he wants, Becky.
It's easy.
Let's see.
Columbus was looking for a new trade route to China.
He found San Salvador.
And slaughtered, like, thousands of people.
Well, you can throw that in, But don't make a big deal out of it.
Look, Darlene, if you want, I'll help you with your paper after dinner.
Why are you doing this, Becky? 'Cause you're my sister.
And because I don't want to support you After mom and dad are dead.
Better get going, Dan.
You're going to be late.
Oh, don't you look cute.
These overalls are all stiff and scratchy.
That's 'cause we never washed them after your last job.
Once you get a good sweat going, they'll loosen up.
Now, you play nice with all those other little drywallers.
There are no other drywallers, just me and a wall and failure.
O.
k.
, well, here's your lunch.
Thanks for juggling your schedule at the mall so you could cover for me here.
It's nice here.
Nobody ever comes in and bothers me.
What else you got, Barney? How about a set of long-nose locking pliers? screwdriver kit? No, I don't want to mess around with lots of dinky parts.
Dan's depressed.
I need one thing that'll really cheer him up, Like a great big, loud, shiny, grinding thing That cuts stuff up.
Yeah, or shoots stuff up in the air.
Yeah, with a handle.
You got anything like that? Oh, look at--here.
"Heavy-duty air hammer.
" Is it red? No, it's black, but it comes in a big red box.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey.
Hey, girls.
All right.
With the box, it'll be 49.
99.
I'll pick up the tax.
We're short on cash right now.
It's all right.
I can wait.
Well, you will.
I'll drop it by later.
See you, Rosie.
Thanks a lot, Barney.
Nice meeting you, Jackie.
Yeah.
Thanks, Barney.
No cash, huh? Guess I can't do the grocery shopping.
Ha ha.
Well, you're not getting off that easy.
Nope.
I want you to also stop by the drugstore-- Here's the tickets-- And pick up my photos from Vegas.
Anything else, mother? Yeah.
If you get a second, Dump that Mark guy.
So are you going to tell her? No.
[Roseanne.]
what? Nothing.
Come on, Darlene.
If I'm going to court, I better get something dry cleaned.
She got a "B" on her history paper.
A "B"! All right, Darlene! Let me see! Let me see! It's no big deal.
What are you talking about? It is so! It's a "B"! A "B.
" A "B.
" Becky, go to the store and get a cake because we're going to have ourselves a party.
Aw, what the hell.
Get one that was baked today.
Mom, stop it.
This is a great thing.
I'm thinking of hanging it up in the bathroom where your daddy can sit and admire it.
A "B"! On the road to honor roll! This is all such a load.
What's the matter? How come you're not happy? Why would I be happy? Darlene, it was a good paper.
Relax, o.
k.
? I guess you'd know, wouldn't you? What's going on? Nothing.
I just helped Darlene with her paper a little.
She wrote the whole thing.
Have a party for her.
I'll be in the car.
You wrote it? Well, yeah, but I-- You only got a "B"? What'd you do that for? I was trying to help her.
Aren't we all supposed to be helping Darlene? That doesn't help her, Becky.
Darlene doesn't do anything.
If you do everything for her, She'll never come out of this.
I kept her from flunking, mother.
She conned you into doing it so she didn't have to.
Even D.
J.
Could've seen that coming.
That's really stupid, Becky.
Great.
I help her and get yelled at.
It's so typical.
Don't give me that martyr crap.
When did you ever buy me a cake for bringing home a decent grade or helping out D.
J.
or doing the laundry or any of the other million things I do while Darlene sits around and sucks up all the attention? Brother.
Yeah.
Oh, man, I really wanted that "B"! I know, I know, and you deserved it, Roseanne.
You worked hard for it.
My life is crap.
Now, things will turn around.
You'll see.
Darlene will be fine, And Dan will be fine, And we'll buy Becky a new power tool, And she'll be fine.
Jackie, would you go across the street and get me a soda? Sure.
Yeah, sure.
Of course.
What do you want, something diet? Oh, don't make it worse, Jackie.
Yeah.
Be right back.
Forgot my wallet.
[Cough cough.]
You o.
k.
? Yeah, you just scared me.
You need money? Here, take my purse.
O.
k.
You sure you're o.
k.
? Yeah.
And bring back some ice.
Why? Just bring back some cold ice.
O.
k.
Aah! Ow! Mom, What's this word? "Handkerchief.
" You stink! I do not.
You smell like smoke.
Well, my hair was on fire.
Damn.
[Flushes.]
Hello.
Hi.
I didn't expect you home so soon.
Naw.
Me, either.
Finished earlier than I thought.
How were things at the shop? Uh, slow.
How was your day? Not nearly as bad as I thought.
Saw old friends.
Stan offered me some more work next week.
I said, "no.
" he said, "please.
" I gave him an insanely high estimate.
He says, "o.
k.
" Mmm.
Good.
The architect stopped by.
We were talking about bikes.
He wants to see that new Harley I just finished.
Things could be a lot worse.
On the way home, I stopped at the shop, checked out my new present.
We thought it would be perfect.
Did you like it? I loved it.
Can you use it? You kidding? Can't build a quonset hut without one.
Well, he said he'd take it back if you want.
No, no.
It's special to me.
Oh, listen, one more thing.
Yeah, what's up? Are you smoking menthol or those charcoal tips? I'm not smoking.
Oh, come on, Roseanne, your hair smells like smoke.
People in the restaurant smoke.
Your clothes smell.
The toothpaste and the mouthwash? Dentists say-- How long? O.
k.
Well I don't know.
Ever since I had to buy Becky birth control pills.
Ever since Darlene turned into vegetable dip.
Ever since you opened that shop.
Ever since I have to work two jobs.
It's just been a real sucky year, Dan.
It's either smoke or eat.
You don't want me to gain back all the weight I lost.
You're right.
Keep smoking.
I like my women skinny and hawking up tar.
Well, it's not like you don't come home every night and have two or three beers.
You're right.
Yeah, and it's not like you don't sit in the living room, watching TV, and pig out on garbage.
No argument there.
Where do you get off being all high and mighty? I don't smoke.
You taught me to.
And made you quit.
I'll quit again.
When? I'll get back to you.
When? I got to get through the holidays.
I'm also the one that came up with that excuse.
I said I'm gonna quit! Why should I believe you? Now you're calling me a liar? You been smoking secretly how many months now? Well, that doesn't make me a liar.
Well, wait a minute.
What does it make you? Sneaky.
You did, too, order salami.
Yes, you did.
Then why'd you take a big old bite out of it? Oh, she's doing much better, Dan.
Yeah.
Eat it or wear it! Well, she's a little cranky, But I haven't let her have a cigarette all day long.
Hey, no problem.
She's my friend.
Just chat away while I run the whole damn restaurant by myself.
Look, I got to go.
Check back with me later.
Bye.
Oh, do you work here? Oh, are you having another nicotine fit? Yeah, I guess so.
Sorry.
Give me a minute.
I know it'll pass.
Look, why don't you just relax? Tell you what, you make the coffee.
I'll take that table.
Sure, hog all the tips.
Afternoon.
Where's your uniform, Roseanne? Blblblt! Can I help you? Uh, yeah.
Which is better, The tuna salad or egg salad? Tuna salad, egg salad, chicken salad, Turkey salad, shrimp salad-- What difference does it make? It's all just different words for mayonnaise.
Pick one.
Excuse us.
That certainly was an ugly little incident there, Wasn't it, Roseanne? I'm trying to quit smoking.
It's hard in the beginning.
I didn't know you smoked.
Yeah.
I quit nine years ago, But I had a rough year and started again.
Now it's like I never quit.
Dan's ticked off-- Whoops.
Whoops, I'm sorry.
My fault.
I expressed an interest in your life.
I had that coming.
What I meant to say, Roseanne, Is that this is a luncheonette, Not the betty ford clinic.
Be psychotic on your own time.
I'm on a break.
Believe it or not, Roseanne, you're going to be o.
k.
Hey, this is worse than PMS.
With PMS, it only lasts a couple of days, And it's way worse on everybody else Than it is on me, o.
k.
? I know how you feel.
I know you're my friend.
Could you cover for me while I go to the bathroom? Sure, o.
k.
You got it.
Let me see that purse.
There's nothing in there.
Just let me look.
You don't have to look.
Stay out of it.
Why do you need your purse in the bathroom? It's none of your beeswax! O.
k.
, I think it's time We all put our heads on our desk And had a little quiet time.
She won't let me go to the bathroom! Roseanne.
She's got cigarettes in her purse.
Roseanne goes to the bathroom.
The purse stays here.
Fine! I'll just get my coat.
Roseanne Darlene could you give me a hand folding these.
Not my turn.
I got to pick up D.
J.
At soccer practice and I still got two more loads.
It's the least you can do.
No.
This is the least I could do.
You are such an ass.
I thought you weren't talking to me, Becky.
I help you with your paper, And you get me nailed for it.
I apologized for that yesterday.
I didn't ask for help.
You felt sorry for me.
I don't need your pity.
Are you kidding? You're begging for it.
"Oh, high school's too hard.
My friends don't like me.
Nobody understands me.
" Then do something about it, you little wimp.
Shut up.
Beck you don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, of course not, 'Cause you're so complex, you're so deep.
Well, that's crap.
You're just a whiny little basket case who's milking this depression thing for all it's worth.
So here it is, and you get to do exactly what you want.
Excuse me.
I got a zillion chores to do, Or mom and dad will kick my butt.
Oh, a bad day.
I know.
A bad, bad day.
I know.
Ohh, bad day.
Uh-huh.
So go on, Tell me what happened.
Oh, then I called Leon a giant doody face, and he sent me home.
Did you smoke? No, I didn't smoke.
I did, however, eat 7,000 pickle chips.
Thanks for the warning, dear.
I'm an obsessive-compulsive, addictive mess, Dan.
I can't do anything just a little bit.
I find something I like, then totally overdo it, Like smoking, eating Thank god for birth control.
Amen.
I don't know if I can quit this time.
Last time, I had a really good reason.
I was pregnant with D.
J.
What reason do I have now? 'Cause I love you.
I want you with me a long time.
We're talking about me now, Dan.
Sorry.
I was just trying to be wonderful.
I know, and you are.
The problem's just me.
I blame the kids, I blame money, but that's all bull.
The problem's me.
I'm just weak.
That's why I married you-- 'Cause you're so weak and frail.
Don't mind me.
I just came to get the hamper.
Continue with your foreplay.
Why are you getting the hamper? To do laundry.
Isn't it Becky's day? Yeah, well, I owe her one.
I owe her one, too, Dan.
Get off me.
Ohh.
Hey.
What are you doing? I put gas in the car, Picked up D.
J.
from soccer practice.
Now I'm doing nothing.
Is that o.
k.
? Cool.
Well I Sure yelled at you yesterday, huh? For no reason.
Well, for no good reason.
You should've been yelling at Darlene.
Well, you know, I'd love to yell at Darlene, But she'd just go up in her room and hide.
I like yelling at you more 'Cause you're fun.
You yell back.
I was trying to help.
I know it.
And you just gave me grief for it.
I know.
Well, you're always tiptoeing around Darlene, you know? And nobody wants to upset her.
So I do everything and get nothing.
Youare right.
So what do I get? You're just going to go right for it, aren't you? Well, it kind of feels like my moment.
Well, what do you want? I-- I'd really like it if you'd invite Mark to thanksgiving.
You know, let him meet the family, kind of make it official.
How about cash? Mother.
O.
k.
, but he is neither to smoke nor to have sex with you in my house.
Deal.
Good.
I don't need cigarettes, man.
My kids will kill me.
Do we have to watch this movie? It's a classic, Roseanne.
How come they get to smoke and I don't? 'Cause they didn't know anything in the thirties.
Look.
The men are all wearing hats.
They're sure enjoying smoking them cigarettes, ain't they? Well, they're probably all dead now.
So maybe the hats killed them.
I want a cigarette.
No.
Have another carrot.
Oh, thanks.
So how long's it been? Four days.
[Crunches loudly.]
Mmm.
I guess I just never really understood the whole addiction thing.
When I had to quit, it was no big deal, and I never felt the urge to go back to it again.
Well, good for you! We shouldn't even be sitting here watching TV.
TV's the way my generation learned to smoke, anyhow.
Oh, come on, Roseanne.
It's true, Jackie.
Lucy smoked.
Desi smoked.
Ward smoked.
Uh, make room for daddy smoked.
Gomez and Morticia smoked.
Maxwell Smart smoked.
Hymie, and he was a robot, but he smoked.
Patty smoked.
Kathy didn't.
I know, but they made her into a huge nerd.
Rob smoked.
Laura smoked.
Buddy, Sally, Jerry.
Millie smoked.
I don't know about Samantha, but both Darrins smoked.