Rules of Engagement s04e09 Episode Script

Come on.
What are you waiting for? I'm trying.
Then do it.
I can't! I hate needles.
Don't they make estrogen in a pill? Yes.
But the shot is more effective, if someone can actually give it.
Know what would take the pressure off? Let me go to the Rangers game.
Oh, God, no.
Stop asking, all right? We have to go to my new boss' party.
But this isn't just any game.
This is a playoff game.
If it's important, you can TiVo it.
You can't TiVo my boss' party.
I wouldn't want to.
I don't want to see it live.
Seriously, your work things are so boring they make me want to I'll stop myself there.
You're going.
With all these layoff rumors, I got to get some kiss-face time with my boss.
Kiss face? I was gonna say "kiss ass," and at the last second, I went with "face time.
" My brain is all loopy.
These hormones are making you crazy, even crazier Stop myself right there.
This is really hard, Jeff.
I am foggy, I'm emotional.
At work, I cried over wallpaper samples.
Was the pattern a guy who can't go to a hockey game? Look, I need your help tonight, please.
This has to go really well for me.
Then you shall have my help, because you are my beautiful flower.
That is so sweet.
Now jab me with that thing.
Come on.
You could bring some of that enthusiasm into the bedroom.
Go.
Do it! Oh! Oh! What? I shot myself! Seriously? I shot myself with lady juice! Quick, get that stuff out of me.
What, do you think it's gonna make you want to pluck your eyebrows and watch Oprah? I don't know what this stuff does, but clearly it can turn you into a crazy, moody witch.
I'll stop myself right before there.
# How many ways To say, "I love you?" # # How many ways To say that I'm not scared? # # With you by my side # # There is no denyin' # # I can't wait For me and you # So then she starts yelling at me.
And, uh, then I jabbed the estrogen right into my own hand.
Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
You guys got one minute to get it all out.
Oh, this is gonna be fun.
Uh, accidentally shot with estrogen: Lamest superhero origin story ever.
Good.
Tell me the truth: Does my cape make me look fat? Riffing on the superhero thing.
Very nice.
We each have one minute, or one minute total? Smart use of seven seconds.
Damn! Dude, I'm no good under pressure.
Jeff's under pressure.
He has to fight the glass ceiling every day.
Women in the workplace.
Clever.
Oh, I got one.
Wait, um In five, four Oh three Wait! Can I play with your boobs? Time.
"Can I play with your boobs?" Really? Now, what pains me more than my changing body is, uh, I got my company's club seats to the Rangers/Bruins game tonight, and I gotta go to Audrey's work thing.
Aw, hey, listen, it's not always easy being the woman behind the woman.
That's sharp.
I'll count that.
All right.
You guys want these? No, I'm already going.
I'm taking Timmy.
We got seats on the glass.
So you're a Rangers fan? No, I'm all Bruins.
So is Timmy.
He went to Harvard, and I lived in Boston in the late '80s.
Is that when you locked in the 'do? Ah.
Kid does all right when there's no time limit.
Not bad.
Oh, my God, today's the 16th.
It's Jen's birthday.
I completely forgot.
I meant to get something great, but I didn't know what to do, and now I am completely screwed.
Problem solved.
Thank you.
But I need to get something more romantic than a hockey game.
I disagree.
No, you get her something great, and she'll come to expect that level of gift.
You set the bar low now, you can half-ass it the rest of her life.
Yeah, listen to him.
He should know.
He's a woman.
Hey.
Hey.
What you got there? Oh, well, just a little something for your birthday.
Really? I was beginning to think you had forgotten.
Well, I'm not a monster.
Let's see what it is.
Okay, see, the thing is, honey, you're really hard to buy for, and I just never know Rangers tickets? I can get you something else or give you cash.
Shut up.
This is perfect.
Really? Oh, that's That's great, because I I don't have, like, any cash at all.
My dad used to take me to Rangers games.
Well, duh.
I mean, why do you think I got them? You actually remember me telling you about that? Well, yeah.
I mean, when my fiancée tells me stuff, I save it up here and here.
Mm, in hopes of gaining access to here.
Heh-heh.
Yes, please.
Oh, I mean You meant now, right? Oh, why not? I am wearing a skirt.
Rangers versus Bruins.
Select.
Conflicts with Barbara Walters Interviews Five Most Influential Women.
See you, Babs.
Hey, you look great.
No, I don't.
Okay, so we're already in that area.
I just took a cold shower, and I'm already sweating.
Another great side effect from the hormones.
Oh, God.
Look, you've got nothing to worry about.
You just need to relax.
I wish I could.
I'm nervous.
I gotta keep it together tonight.
I gotta make a good impression.
Another argument for me not going.
You're going.
But please be on your best behavior.
All right.
Oh, what was your best behavior? It's been so long.
My best behavior? I guess that was when I, uh, met your parents.
Oh, I like that guy.
What happened to him? I don't know.
Wherever he is, I hope he's happy.
Ooh, appreciate you shaving again.
I didn't shave again.
Really? Your skin's so soft.
Maybe the estrogen's kicking in.
Yeah.
Oh, this is terrifically exciting.
I've never been to a Bruins game before, sir.
I come whenever they're in town.
It's frustrating not being able to really root for them because we're in hostile territory.
Well, to each their own.
What are you doing? Showing team spirit.
Are you not wearing Bruins colors? No, I are not.
Sit down.
You're gonna get us killed.
All the better, sir.
I do enjoy the gentle ribbing I get when cheering on the visiting squad.
Why don't you go back to Boston? It's too long a trip to have sex with your mama, you wanker! Ooh, cotton candy.
Two, please.
Are you crazy? You're right.
Just one.
Oh, these seats are fantastic.
Yeah, and they weren't easy to get.
Nothing was gonna stop me from making this the best birthday ever.
It is a big step up from last year's mood ring.
It was broken.
It was always black.
It wasn't broken.
But you have redeemed yourself.
You are scoring some big points, mister.
Hey.
What's up, brah? What you working? "MotorStorm.
" Dude, I shred at "MotorStorm.
" Wanna play? I can't.
I'm with my fiancée.
It's her birthday.
Nice pull.
I know.
She's always up for it.
Anyway, I'm Adam.
Mackenzie.
Hey.
Well, if you change your mind, let me know.
Oh, cool.
They're taking the ice.
It's so exciting.
Totally.
Dude, you're not gonna make the jump.
Power up.
Power up! Oh, God, can you tell I'm sweating? Be honest.
You kinda handcuffed me there with the "be honest.
" Oh, my God, there she is.
There's Pamela.
Do you a favor.
People love nicknames.
I'm gonna call her Big Red.
Don't do me a favor.
Just call her Pamela.
Well, how is she gonna know that I'm clever? It'll be our secret.
All right, now I just have to keep it together and find the right moment to score some points with Rusty.
Pamela.
Then we're out of here.
Okay.
Just wait.
I need you to do a quick lap and tell everybody not to talk about the Rangers game.
You heard my thing, right? I don't want a repeat of that awful day that some knob ruined the World Series game that I was recording.
I remember that day, because it was our wedding day.
And that knob was my Aunt Sarah.
Such a knob.
Hey, Audrey.
Oh, hi.
Richie.
Richie.
Yes, Richie.
Yes.
Jeff, Richie.
He just moved here from Boston.
Nice to Don't tell me the score.
What score? I'm recording the game.
I don't know what you Stop discussing it! Come on, let's lose this guy.
What What What the hell are you doing? What did you think he was gonna say? "Nice to meet you, and the Rangers are up by one"? Are you being sarcastic, or are they really up by one? Okay, stop it.
Stop acting like you're a crazy person.
There's only one crazy person allowed, and it's the one with the massive doses of estrogen.
I had estrogen too.
Barely any.
Yeah, I know.
I'm starting to feel feelings.
I don't like it.
All right, look, you've left me no choice.
If you do not behave perfectly, I will find out the score of that game, and will tell you.
You're a cold woman, Audrey.
A cold, sweaty woman.
Oi! Number 54! Your mother's a better stick-handler than you are! I should know! I'm implying Number 54's mother Can you take it down a million percent? Everyone in this section hates you.
Unlike Number 54's mother, who, to hear me tell it Enough of Number 54's mother.
All right, look, everyone's staring at you.
Huh.
Well, then, best I give them something to see.
Oi, Rangers fans! I've got something for you! Oh, no.
What are you do? Let's go, Bruins! Let's go, Bruins! Oh, nice one, loser! Why don't you try that one again? Give us all you've got! There's no "us.
" It's only him.
It's Ow! Ow! Why do they call those pretzels soft? Whoo-hoo-hoo, yeah! You've been playing that for the last half-hour.
And I'm still on my first guy.
I've still got 40 fuel chips left in reserve.
My point is you're missing a great game.
You know, my birthday game.
No, you're You're right.
I'm sorry.
I'm done.
Hey, don't play my guy for me.
Go, Rangers! Yeah! We're between periods.
Clearly, she's not.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Oh, man, my batteries died.
No.
Dude.
Look, I feel responsible.
Let me buy you something.
This is club area.
My dad's got a tab here.
It's all free.
Oh, my God, I'm about to go nuts on a bunch of hot dogs.
My record is three.
Big Mackie, that's weak sauce.
Yeah? Why don't we have a little dog-off right here? Who can eat more? Uh, well, I wish I could, but I should get back to my fiancée.
Ooh, "my fiancée.
" Well, at least I have a fiancée.
I'm 13, you wad.
And I can still eat more dogs than you.
You know what? Someday you'll understand that, when you grow up, you become an adult.
And you'll have responsibilities I bet you couldn't eat two.
Big mistake, little man.
It's on! Where have you been? I hate all of these people.
Let's go talk to Carrot Top and get the hell out of here.
God, no, I can't talk to her right now.
Look at me.
Are you as hot as I am? Really? Right here, in front of all these people? Yes, yes, Jeff.
That's why I'm sweating through my bra, because I want you so badly.
I don't hate what I hear.
Audrey, have you had a chance to say hello to Pamela yet? Oh, no, I haven't, but I am about to.
Jeff, this is Maya.
She's Pamela's assistant.
Delightful to meet you.
You got a little bit of napkin 'stache.
What? Oh, God.
Here, this'll help.
You know I can't drink when I'm on the hormones.
Champagne? Oh, can't do it.
Oh, trying to lose a few.
Good for you.
I'm pregnant.
Oh.
Well, tough time to try to lose a few.
Right.
Uh, excuse me.
Whew! That was a close one.
Hey, it's me again.
You've been gone forever.
Where are you? So, Maya, Cinco de Maya.
Anyway, we didn't get a chance to hear more about your pregnancy, which is obviously what's going on there.
Yes, how is it going? Oh, it's been a long journey.
My partner and I did in vitro.
Well, congratulations to both of you gals.
And the guy who supplied.
Well, um, ahem.
In the interest of someone else speaking Ha-ha.
Jeff and I are also trying in vitro.
The estrogen's making me a little crazy.
Hang in there.
Worst part are the shots.
Shots? What about them? For starters, they make your breasts really sore.
Oh, God, mine are killing me.
Well, it's tough, but it'll all be worth it.
Yeah, hopefully.
All right, I'm gonna go freshen up one last time, and then we'll go talk to Pamela.
Where have you been? Oh, just showing this loser how to eat seven and a quarter hot dogs in 10 minutes.
Oh, God.
My stomach hurts.
Hey, suck it up, Mack Attack.
I'm all kinds of torn up here.
You don't hear me complaining.
Oh, God.
Thank you for that lovely gift.
What is that, onions? Why put onions on it when it's a contest? God, my eyes are watering.
I really enjoyed spending my birthday with you.
Hey, I was just having fun.
I mean, you got to watch the game like you used to with your dad.
I thought that's what you wanted, right? I wanted us to watch it together.
I mean, I appreciate how hard it was for you to get these tickets.
No, it wasn't.
Some guy named Jeff gave them to him.
Dude! Jeff gave you these? Why would you do that? You made me feel bad about myself.
I am not coming to your bar mitzvah.
We'll probably still have it.
So you mean these tickets just fell in your lap this morning? Did you even remember that this was special to me at all? I think you know the answer to that, Jen.
Unbelievable.
You know what? I will always remember this birthday.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, honey.
Look, I meant to do something special, but I choked.
I mean, how can I celebrate the day that changed my life? Because you being born was the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.
How How can I express that? Well, that's a start.
Good thing I have a lifetime of birthdays to make it up.
Hey, look! You guys are on the JumboTron.
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Oh, come here.
This is a great birthday.
Hey, those hot dogs don't count.
I totally win! Jen is still having more fun than I am.
Yeah! We scored! No! Oh, God! That's it, I'm out of here.
Sir, sir, sir.
I don't understand.
I've never known you to have a problem dishing it out before.
Because when I dish it out, it's to an employee or a date.
Someone that gets paid to take it.
Sir, you said it was frustrating not to be able to cheer for your team.
But if you stand your ground, people will respect you.
Remember, a life lived in the shadows is no life at all.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm tired of hiding who I am.
I'm a Bruins fan.
There you go.
Now tell them.
I'm a Bruins fan! Go back to Boston, you jerk.
Hey, why don't you get a life, you toad! Oh, God! Timmy! She's standing up for her team.
It's a two-way street, sir.
Aah! Pretzel.
Okay, okay, Pamela's free.
Let's go.
All right, lookit, you can do this.
You're a smart and sexy powerhouse who knows how to keep it short and sweet because her husband's got a game to watch.
Sadly, one of your better pep talks.
Pamela.
Oh, hello.
Audrey Bingham.
Oh, of course.
So nice to see you.
This is my husband Jeff.
You have a lovely home.
Thank you.
Audrey, I saw the layout you did for next month's issue.
Fantastic.
Hey.
Oh, thank you.
I was really trying to Sweet! Rangers just won! My My husband's at the game.
They scored twice in the last two minutes.
Oh, he said it was incredible.
Are you a Rangers fan? I am, so I'm thrilled to hear your news.
Thank you for sharing that.
Great night, huh? You know, my company has excellent seats, so maybe you and your husband would like to join us for a game sometime.
Definitely take you up on that.
So good to see you again.
And nice to meet you, Jeff.
Excuse me.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry about the game, but I am so proud of you.
It's all right.
Oh.
It's all right.
Crying because you heard what happened in the game? God, I hope so.
Amazing, huh? Thank God I recorded it.
It's unbelievable.
Now I get why you guys like to watch things over and over, even though you already know the outcome.
I don't think I'll get tired of this.
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!