The King of Queens s04e09 Episode Script

What up, dawg? I'm finally cleaning this thing out.
You know what? If we're not gonna actually eat the frozen vegetables, let's stop buying them.
I don't know who we're trying to impress.
Oh, my God! Look at this! What do we got, a human head? No.
It's the top of our wedding cake.
I completely forgot about this.
Wow.
Hmm.
That's our wedding cake from our wedding, when we got married.
Oh, yeah.
We got milk? You can't eat this.
It's over 6 years old.
It's frozen.
Freezing something doesn't magically keep it good forever and ever.
I'm pretty sure you're wrong.
Could you believe we got married 6 years ago? I know, gosh, it's kinda wild, huh? Yeah.
That was a really great time.
Hon? H-honey? Honey, you ok? You ok in there? Honey-- Carrie's been in there a while, honey, is she ok? Oh, yeah, ma.
She's just preppin' for the party, you know, a little rougin', a little waxin'.
It's all good.
May I have your attention? A toast.
To Doug and Carrie, may their lives be as grand as their wedding.
Which, incidentally, I am sparing no expense for.
That's what Carrie's late mother wanted more than anything in the world.
Next to not dying.
Salud! Salud! Hey, I'd like to, uh, make a toast, too.
Who the hell are you? I'm, uh, Danny, Doug's cousin.
All right, but, I'm watchin' you.
Doug, I, uh, love you like a brother, and for months, I've been lookin' for a gift that finally tells you how I feel about you and And I found it.
I'm gonna sing at your wedding ceremony, buddy Wow, singin', huh? That's--that's nice.
Or if you wanna go another way, music-wise, we are registered for a cd player at the wiz.
Yeah, but that's so impersonal.
You could engrave it.
Come on, Doug.
You can't engrave the human heart.
Oh, God.
Ok, I'm gettin' married in 3 days, and my fiancee can't stop pukin'.
Ooh, she's still at it, huh? At this rate, she's gonna open her mout and say, "I do," and rocket a grilled cheese at my head.
Yeah.
Well, that's the price you pay for lettin' a little lady corral you.
Yep.
No woman's gonna put a saddle on this bronco.
Thanks for weighin' in, hoss.
Look, man, don't worry about Carrie throwing up, ok? She's probably just finally coming to grips with the fact that she's actually marrying you.
Shut it.
Hey, hey.
If she does cut and run, don't send her my way, all right? I travel solamente.
Carrie, it's your mother-in-law-to-be.
Can I come in? Sure.
How ya feelin', honey? I've gotta stop eating Mexican food.
No es bueno.
Come here.
Oh.
Thank you.
Oh, that's good.
That's good.
Thank you.
Thank you.
This isn't from Mexican food.
No? You know, I went through this exact same thing right before my wedding.
You did? Oh, yeah.
I was a wreck.
I mean, you're planning on spending the rest of your life with this person.
You start wondering, "is he cute enough? Is he funny enough? Will he be a good father?" Who wouldn't be sick to her stomach? Well, I totally love Doug.
I mean, I want to marry him.
Everything between us is perfect.
It's just this pesky vomiting.
Honey, I'm gonna tell you the same thing my mother told me before my wedding, and it really took all my fears away.
Oh, good, tell me that thing because we're meeting with the priest tomorrow and I really want to be in a good place.
Well, at the end of the day, all the little things that may or may not be perfect really don't matter, because when it's right, you know it.
You just know it.
Hey, you ok? Oh, sure.
I mean, 'cause you haven't eaten in 3 days.
You're pukin' in church.
I'm fine! I'm fine.
Hey! Father mcandrew! Doug, good to see you.
Good to see you.
Gosh, it's been so long-- whoa.
What--what are you, liftin'? Oh, a little.
Uh, they put a universal in over at the rectory.
Nice guns, padre.
Uh, this is my fiancee, Carrie.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Well, nice to meet you, too.
You know, I remember Doug when he was just a chubby little kid at church camp.
And now he's marrying this beautiful girl.
It's somethin' else.
All right, sit.
Sit.
Ok.
So, tell me, have the two of you thought about your vows? What do you mean? Well, uh, some people like to write their own, you know, talk about how they met, somethin' like that.
Um, actually, we--we met in a bar.
Um, it was jell-o shot night.
They had, um, foxy boxing.
It's not a great church story.
Although a delightful evening.
That was funny.
Oh, ok, just think about it, all right? So, have you brought the marriage license? Oh.
Oh, yeah.
I've got it right here.
There you go.
Ok.
"Spooner.
" Carrie spooner? We had a Carrie spooner in camp one summer.
What? The same camp Doug went to? No.
We didn't-- we didn't go to the same camp.
You weren't that girl who was always startin' fights and moonin' truckers on route 9? Yes! Camp unity! I didn't know that that was a church camp.
I guess that's why they didn't ask me back.
You know, I actually remember your last day.
I think you had a run-in with Doug.
Shut up! You cheated at kickball, Carrie.
Did not! Did, too! Shut up! No, you shut up.
Stop! No! You! Get-- ahhh! Oh! Oh.
You're gross.
That was Doug? You're telling me I fell on Doug? Yep.
This is unbelievable! Do you remember this? Not really, but, I got my armpit hair that summer, so I was pretty much wrapped up in me.
Do you know what this means? We met as kids.
We met before and didn't even know it.
It's like, we were meant to be or something.
Well, I'm all for that.
So, so, so, so, tell me more about what happened afterwards.
Did we talk? Mmm, yes.
Some words were exchanged, and then Doug started to cry.
Oh, my God! We actually spoke to each other.
This is so great! Morning, all! Morning! I trust you like your juice from concentrate.
Oh.
Thank you, Arthur.
I'll just place it here.
Enjoy it when you're ready.
You know, I've been thinkin' about this wedding.
I don't want to take all the glory for myself.
You're entitled.
You are the father of the bride.
So her mother claimed.
Still, I'd like to include you both in the process.
Oh, well, thank you.
We should throw a big party for Carrie and Doug every year and switch off paying.
How about you two pay this year? Uh, Arthur, do you need some help paying for the wedding? Well, I must admit, I'm a little short on liquid assets right now.
How much do you need? All of it.
Hmm.
Well, you know what? Joe and I would be happy to pay for the wedding.
What just happened here? I'm not sure about this.
Carrie would be very disappointed in me, if she knew.
Well, don't worry.
Nobody needs to know.
As far as anyone else is concerned, you are still paying for everything.
I will pay you back with interest! Actually, interest seems a little over the top.
Anyway, it was a pleasure discussing the Monroe doctrine with the two of you.
Good day.
So how did you meeting go with father mcandrew? Oh, it was great.
He's all pumped up.
He's like the catholic hulk.
He was always interested in physical fitness.
Yeah.
Oh, and this is weird, too: He said he remembered that me and Carrie met when we were kids.
No kidding.
It was the summer of '77.
Apparently we went to church camp together.
Carrie got into a fight with someone and fell on me, and I choked.
It's a whole sweet story.
Wait, wait, wait.
That didn't happen to you.
That happened to me.
What? Yeah.
Some girl fell on me at camp unity.
I choked, then I cried, then I got a bomb pop.
Nah, nah, nah, nah.
Father mcandrew said it was me, said he remembered yelling heffernan.
My name is heffernan.
Actually, the summer of '77, you weren't at camp unity, Doug.
That was the year you went to fat camp.
Football camp.
Hey, coach, when do we play football? Just keep runnin'.
Yeah.
Carrie fell on me, not you.
Hey! Maybe me and Carrie should be gettin' married, and you should be singing at our wedding, huh? That was fat camp? I wanted to tell you.
Hey, amigo.
Hey, man, how's it goin'? Great! You know, spreadin' my wings, enjoying my freedom.
What brings you here? Carrie asked me to meet her here.
Oh, well, welcome to the rest of your life, fido.
All right.
Hi, sweetie! Hey, bridesmaids, huh? Bride's pit crew.
Go.
Ok.
You're just in time.
I was just about to tell them "how we met at camp" story.
Oh, you know what? Funny thing about that story-- no, let me tell it, ok? So, I'm up in the bleachers, I'm fighting with this skank, she pushes me, I fall on this boy, and it turns out this boy is Doug.
Shut up.
Mmm-hmm.
We actually met as kids and didn't even know it! Ok, I have chills.
Oh, my God, so do I.
Oh, my God, I don't 'cause it's a dumb story.
Excuse me.
That dumb story got rid of all my wedding jitters.
It was like I was totally freaking out, we go to the church, and the priest just hands me this, this sign from God.
Total sign from God.
And you just know.
You just know.
Right, sweetie? You know it.
Apparently, this camp story's what's keeping Carrie from barfin' at the thought of marryin' me, and--and it's not even true.
Right, right.
I see your problem.
Are there any more bugles in there? Here.
So what do I-- what do I do? I mean, do I tell her the truth, or do I just leave it alone? Leave it alone.
Yeah, but if I leave it alone, that's the first lie of our marriage.
I mean, I know there'll be others, but this just kicks it off so early.
Leave it alone.
What are you sayin'? That Carrie's so out of my league that I could only get her to marry me on a lie? Just leave it alone.
I can't believe you.
Oh, come on, man.
It's not a big deal.
I mean, women are just different.
They need to think there's some magic fairy dust sprinkled over everything.
See, all a man needs to know is that he's getting something "special" on his birthday.
Just leave it alone and let her believe.
I guess.
Wait a second.
After you're married, it's not just on your birthday, is it? You'll see.
Oh.
I gotta roll.
Oh, oh, wait, man.
I got your, uh, best-man gift right here.
Hold on.
Here you go.
It's a flask.
Ok.
You--you don't like it? No, it's great.
I mean, if I ever develop a serious drinking problem, I'll, uh I'll get good use out of this thing.
But they told me it was the classic best-man gift.
If you don't like it, take it up with Manny at the house of pewter.
Look, I love it, ok? Look, I'll see you tomorrow.
Ok, Mr.
Spooner, let's review your choices.
Now, the reception will start with a raw-oyster bar and an assortment of appetizers.
The main course will be prime rib, and for dessert we have individual creme brules served with a raspberry-and-plum reduction.
Wonderful.
I would also like to add a traveling cart with a selection of rare single-malt scotches.
Ok, but just so you know, that'll be pretty expensive.
This is my daughter's wedding! Money is no object! Right? Hey, how you feelin', eh? You feelin' ready? You feelin' good? I'd feel a lot better if my future wife didn't need a fake sign from God to marry me.
Come on, man.
We already talked about this.
Hey, I know what'll make you smile.
Check this out.
Mm-mmm! Flask-a-licious.
What are you, drunk? No.
See, I'm cheering you up, telling you how much I like your flask.
Whatever.
You're actin' drunk.
Dude, it's snapple.
You know what? I don't like the gift.
The only reason why I still have it is because Manny wouldn't take it back.
Hello, Douglas.
I don't mean to alarm you two, but, apparently, the doves are a no-show.
Arthur, we canceled the doves.
I don't understand.
Things were getting just a little expensive for us.
But this wedding has to be perfect.
Carrie's mother wanted it that way.
We know.
She's dead, you remember.
Yes.
Arthur, we are paying for everything.
Do you understand that? Do you understand that perhaps it was poor judgment to get the harpist and the doves and the t-shirt machine? I knew it! I knew you would rub this in my face.
How very small.
Your parents are a real piece of work! Oh, don't blame us! You're the one who-- Joe! Zip it! Everybody! Everybody, please, just give me a few minutes alone, ok? Please.
Of course, sweetheart.
Ok.
We'll be waiting for you in the sanctuary.
Ok, mom.
Thanks.
Break a leg.
Thanks, dad.
Hey, seriously, man, I--I love the flask.
Oh, come on.
Bring it in.
All right.
Oh, you smell like vodka.
Yeah, there's a little bit in there, but I-I'm cool.
I'm cool.
Oh.
Isn't this my room? No.
It's my room--my room.
Oh! You're not supposed to see me.
No, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Oh, my God, you You look beautiful.
I know.
I really do, don't I? Oh, my God, you're so lucky you're marrying me.
I--I know.
Oh, listen, just to give you a heads-up, I changed the vows I wrote.
What? Yeah.
I had all this stuff about how much I love you, blah, blah, blah.
But I'm thinkin' I'm gonna go with the "how we met at camp" story.
I wrote it all out.
It's money.
I don't know if I'm, uh, lovin' that story for our wedding.
What? Why not? It's a great story.
I don't know.
I mean, you're fallin', I'm chokin'.
You know, it's very violent.
We got kids out there, car.
I'm just sayin', I think you're better off goin' with the love-me, blah, blah, blah stuff.
It'd be very touching.
Nah.
I'm gonna stick with the camp thing.
Ok.
You can't.
What? Why? W-what's the matter? It's just I--I don't think you should go changing our marriage vows 'cause of a stupid story.
All right, Doug, stop calling it stupid, ok? It's fate.
It's a sign from God.
You and me been findin' each other For so long what the hell is that? Feel for you is more than strong, girl take it from me why is Danny singing? It's his gift to us.
I just don't understand why you need a-- a sign from God so badly.
Because, Doug, gettin' married is scary, you know? You're supposed to just know if it's right.
And what better way to know than to have God actually tell you.
What's he doing out there? Andy gibb? I'm just sayin', I--I don't think we need a sign to tell us that we're right for each other.
But we have one anyway, right? We don't! We don't! What? It wasn't me, ok? I was at another camp that summer.
I was at f-f-football camp.
You didn't fall on me.
You fell on Danny.
So, look, if you wanna marry me, you've gotta take a leap of faith.
You know, no meant-to-be's, no destinies, no signs, no nothin'.
It's me.
It's just me.
And isn't that all you need? And now it's time for Doug and Carrie to share the vows that they've written for each other.
Carrie, we'll begin with you.
Um.
You know what? I--I'll go first.
Ok.
We'll begin with Doug.
"Carrie, when I sat down to write these vows, "I was trying to think of how to express exactly what you mean to me.
"And I guess the best way to say it is "you're seconds.
"Allow me to explain.
"It probably won't come as a surprise to you "that I, I like to think of my life as a big, long meal.
"All the great things that happened before I met you, "my family, my friends, Bruce Springsteen, the mets, "they were my first course.
"But I was, as usual, "still hungry.
"And then I met you.
"You are my seconds.
"And I know it's hard to believe I'd stop at seconds, "but you're so great and I love you so much, I'm finally, totally full.
" I guess what I'm trying to say is, I love you, and it's good to be with you, and good luck to you.
Thank you.
And, now, Carrie has some words that she'd like to share.
I'm an idiot.
For the past couple days I convinced myself that I needed a sign from God to marry you, but I don't need that.
My sign is the way you make me laugh.
My sign is the way you make me feel safe.
My sign is the way I fit perfectly into your arm when we're on the couch.
I know you can't be sure of anything in life, but looking at you now with your puppy-dog eyes and your shiny shoes that I know you can't wait to get out of, that we were meant to be together.
May Doug and Carrie see long and happy days and be united forever in the kingdom of your glory.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
For so long you and me been findin' each other For so long and the feelin' that I feel for you is more than strong, girl take it from me if you give a little more than you're askin' for your love will turn the key darlin' mine I'm so lonely.
I would wait forever all right, here's the play I'm hungry.
Shut up.
I want everyone to go long.
Ready? Break! Keep goin'! All the way to the lake!