King of the Hill s04e10 Episode Script

1 BOY, I TELL YOU WHAT, CHAPPY YOU GOT SOME GOOD-LOOKING TREES THIS YEAR.
IS THAT A DIG? 'CAUSE IT AIN'T FUNNY, HANK.
I WASN'T TRYING TO BE FUNNY, UH YEAH, SORRY, HANK BUT PEOPLE AIN'T BUYING TREES THIS YEAR.
THEY'RE BUYING BATTERIES AND BOTTLED WATER.
IT'S THE MILLENNIUM, HANK.
( sighing ): THAT'S CRAZY.
EVERYONE'S KNOWN ABOUT THE MILLENNIUM FOR ALMOST A YEAR NOW.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE ON GOOD AUTHORITY FROM TEXAS PROPANE ASSOCIATION COMMISSIONER MURRAY HOGARTH-- PERSONAL FRIEND-- THAT THERE WILL BE NO DISRUPTION OF ESSENTIAL SERVICES.
WELL, I'M NOT PANICKING.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY? BECAUSE CHAPPY TAKES CARE OF CHAPPY.
WANT A PIECE OF CORN BREAD? MADE IT MYSELF, WITH NO ELECTRIC TOOLS.
MMM.
( chuckles ) MUST BE THE ELBOW GREASE THAT MAKES IT TASTE SO GOOD, HUH? THAT OR THE LARD.
RENDER IT MYSELF.
YOU'RE LIKE A PIONEER, CHAPPY.
I LIVE IN A SHACK.
I POOP IN AN OUTHOUSE.
I EAT WHAT I KILL.
LET THE GRID GO DOWN, LORD.
I DON'T NEED IT.
UH THERE ISN'T A MRS.
CHAPPY IS THERE, CHAPPY? I TELL YOU WHAT, MAN, THEM Y2K, MAN THEM MAINFRAMES GOING TO CLEAR COME CRASHING DOWN LIKE THAT GRID.
MAN, THAT LOOK LIKE A DANG OLD APOCALYPSE NOW, MAN THE HORROR.
THE HORROR.
OH, LORD DALE.
YOU KNOW, THIS Y2K THING IS TAILOR-MADE FOR PARANOID FREAKS LIKE HIM.
GENTLEMEN, SORRY I'M LATE, BUT I HAD A FANTASTIC DAY.
I WENT TO THE ARMY-NAVY STORE.
UH, WHAT'D YOU BUY, A BATTLESHIP? NO, HANK, DON'T BE A SILLY.
WHY, I BOUGHT AN AMERICAN FLAG DECAL.
IT SIGNIFIES MY FULL FAITH AND CONFIDENCE IN THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMEN IN THESE TRYING AND UNCERTAIN TIMES.
WELL, IT'S TAKEN 2,000 YEARS BUT, DALE, YOU'RE FINALLY MAKING SENSE.
TEAM U.
S.
A.
! LET'S SEE-- FOUR SACKS OF SEED CORN 18 CASES BREAKFAST BARS, STRAWBERRY 18 CASES BREAKFAST BARS, ASSORTED TWO CO2-PRESSURIZED DRUMS OF MOUNTAIN DEW SUG NO ONE'S GOING TO CATCH THE BIG "D" OFF GUARD.
( imitating martial arts yells ) THE REAL PROBLEM WILL BE OBTAINING FRESH MEAT.
A BREEDING PAIR OF GERBILS! UM, DALE, HONEY ONE OF THOSE IS A HAMSTER.
LAUGH NOW, LADY.
AFTER A MONTH OF EATING COCKROACHES YOU WILL BE BEGGING FOR GERBSTER.
OKEYDOKEY, HOW'S THIS ONE? "ALTHOUGH THERE IS NO 'L' IN CHRISTMAS THERE IS 'NOEL' IN CHRISTMAS.
" ( laughing ) ( sighs giddily ) OH, I SEE.
THE SECOND ONE IS "N-O-E-L.
" MM-HMM.
THAT'S A DIFFERENT WORD.
THAT IS VERY FUNNY, MOM.
( laughing ) LAUGH.
( laughing nervously ) PAH RUM PUM PUM PUM ME AND MY DRUM HEY, WHO WANTS TO GO TO MEGA LO MAR AND BUY SOME TINSEL? Both: I DO! PEGGY TINSEL? Our prices are ho-ho-low.
Man: THERE'S A RUN ON TRIPLE-PLY BUNNY SOFT! WHAT ABOUT QUILTED ALOE VERA? I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S NOT MY BRAND.
WELL, IT'S MY BRAND.
( sighs ) BOBBY, YOU'RE NOT ALL HEPPED UP ON THIS Y2K HO-HAW, ARE YOU? I JUST SAW A MAN WHEELING 300 ROLLS OF TRIPLE-PLY AND IT MADE ME UNEASY.
THAT MAN IS A NUT JOB.
Woman: OH, HE'S NO NUT JOB.
I USED TO WORK FOR DELL COMPUTER.
I KNOW THINGS.
"DELL COMPUTER.
" EXCUSE ME, BUT I HAVE A KAYPRO.
NOW, CAN YOU TELL ME IF IT WILL BE Y2K-COMPLIANT? ( laughing wildly ) "KAYPRO"? MY WATCH HAS MORE MEMORY THAN THAT PIECE OF CRAP.
YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK, DAD? NUT JOB.
PEGGY, I NEED YOUR HELP.
OH, I NEED HARD COPIES! I COULD LOSE EVERYTHING, HANK, EVERYTHING-- SEVEN-LETTER BOGGLE WORDS MY PEGGY HILL SELF-ABRIDGED THESAURUS MUSINGS, PONDERINGS ON THE WAY TO BEING MUSINGS RAP MUSIC, WRAPPING PAPER I KNOW I CAN CRACK THAT NUT.
( daisy-wheel printer clattering ) PEGGY, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OFF THAT NASAL STRIP? MAYBE YOUR SNORING WILL DROWN OU THE SOUND OF THAT DANG PRINTER.
DO NOT BLAME ME.
BLAME THE FREAKIN' MILLENNIUM.
OH, NO MY OPINIONS! ( sobbing ) OH, NO.
HEY, DALE, YOU OWN A COMPUTER, DON'T YOU? I HAVE A SYSTEM.
WELL, I'M GOING TO SURPRISE PEGGY THIS YEAR.
I'M GOING TO GET HER A NEW ( whispering ): COMPUTER.
A COMPUTER?! UH, UH I MEAN ( whispering ): A COMPUTER? ( sighing ): IT'S A SHAME TO SEE ALL OUR FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS ACTING SO SELFISH.
FRED NICKELSON CUT AN OLD LADY OFF YESTERDAY IN THE CHECKOUT LINE.
THE J.
V.
BASKETBALL COACH.
GREEDY.
I MEAN, IF EVERYONE HOARDS THERE'LL BE NOTHING LEFT TO GO AROUND AND HE WHO DOES HOARD WILL HAVE UNREASONABLE POWER.
YOU AND I SEEM TO BE THE ONLY ONES AROUND HERE THAT HAVE OUR HEADS ON STRAIGHT.
COMPLETELY STRAIGHT.
THE MACHINES ARE DOWN FOR COMPLIANCE TESTING.
( gasping ) HOLD THE PHONE! WHACK-A-MOLE IS UP AND RUNNING.
OF COURSE IT'S RUNNING.
THERE'S NO COMPUTER IN YOUR WHACK-A-MOLE GAME.
IT'S A BASIC PEG-AND-GEAR SYSTEM WITH A SIMPLE SERVOMOTOR CONTROLLING EACH RODENT.
THEY DON'T MAKE THEM LIKE THIS ( groaning ) Dale: HANK FOUND ONE.
NOW, HOLD ON, DALE.
I WANT TO MAKE SURE IT'S Y2K-COMPLIAN BECAUSE PEGGY'S KAYPRO EVIDENTLY IS NOT.
Man: "KAYPRO"? THAT WASN'T Y1K COMPLIANT.
( laughing ) ALL HOME COMPUTERS ARE Y2K-COMPLIANT NOW BUT THE MAINFRAMES IF PEOPLE WOULD SPEND A LITTLE LESS TIME WORRYING AND A LITTLE MORE TIME READING A BRILLIANTLY WRITTEN OP-ED PIECE BY FORMER F.
C.
C.
CHAIRMAN REED HUND THEN THEY'D REALIZE THAT OUR GOVERNMENT HAS EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL.
I'D LIKE TO READ THAT ARTICLE, DALE AND I'LL TAKE THAT COMPUTER-- THE GRAY ONE.
OH, SHOOT, OUR SYSTEM IS DOWN.
I CAN'T RING YOU UP.
WELL, JUST WRITE ME OUT A RECEIPT.
SIR, THE COMPUTER IS DOWN.
I CAN'T SELL YOU A COMPUTER.
I CAN'T CHECK OUR INVENTORY.
I CAN'T LOCK THE FRONT DOOR.
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO FIGURE OUT THE SALES TAX.
IT'S EIGHT PERCENT.
YES, AND EIGHT IS A KEY ON THE COMPUTER.
( sighs ) HEY, PEGGY.
MM-HMM.
WHERE'S HANK? HANK? HE WENT SOMEPLACE.
I CAN'T TELL YOU.
HE WENT CHRISTMAS SHOPPING? ( whimpers ) Bill: SO, I MOVED ALL THE COMBS TO THE LOWER DRAWER, WHICH WAS PRACTICALLY EMPTY AND NOW, IT'S BASE-WIDE POLICY.
YEAH, SO, ALL THE BARBERS AT FORT BLANDIN WELL, TELL ME THE PAR ABOUT WHAT HANK IS GETTING ME FOR CHRISTMAS.
( gulping ) A COMPUTER.
ANYWAY ( squealing ): OH, YEAH! YEAH, SO REMEMBER I SAID I'D TELL YOU ABOUT THE BRUSHES I PEGGY? PEGGY?! YOU HAD HER WITH THE COMBS.
IDIOT! Dale: SUG, I'LL BE IN MY THINK HOLE.
( humming ) ( gasping ) ( sputtering ) MY DEW! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME, PUFF-PUFF? ( shrieking ) MY CIGARETTES! ( moaning ) ( wailing ): NO! WELL, I HOPE YOU TOOK YOUR HEART PILLS THIS MORNING, MR.
STRICKLAND 'CAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S GOING TO BE A ROUGH ONE.
NO, NOT ME, HANK.
THERE'S A LYNCH MOB OUT THERE.
THEY GONE Y2-KOOKY.
I'M OUT OF HERE.
SIR, HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THE GASSER'S CREED? "I PROMISE TO DISPENSE" NO-NO-NO, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT.
DEBBIE AND ME ARE GOING TO THE DESER TO RIDE OUT THE APOCALYPSE.
I'LL BE BACK IN TWO WEEKS.
( all muttering angrily ) DON'T WORRY.
WE'VE GOT PLENTY OF PROPANE TO GO AROUND.
HEY, JOE JACK, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT LEFT IN THE TANKS? TANKS ARE TAPPED OUT.
WE GOT NOTHING.
WHAT? BUT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GET A SHIPMENT IN THIS MORNING.
( yelling angrily ) OKAY, IT'S OFFICIALLY AN EMERGENCY.
I'M GOING TO PUT A CALL IN TO TEXAS PROPANE COMMISSIONER MURRAY HOGARTH.
WHOA! WELL, I KNOW HIM.
MURRAY! HE'LL HAVE A BOBTAIL HERE IN NO TIME.
MURRAY HOGARTH, PLEASE.
OH, HI, MURRAY.
HANK HILL CALLING.
MY SUPPLIER LEFT ME HOLDING THE WHAT? BUT YOU PROMISED ME THERE ARE PROCEDURES IN PLACE.
WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH Y2K? WELL, WHAT DOES "TEMPORARILY NONCOMPLIANT" MEAN? MURRAY STOP CRYING.
ACT LIKE A COMMISSIONER, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
( sobbing ) SO, WHERE'S OUR PROPANE? UH NOTHING TO PANIC ABOUT, OKAY? I'VE GOT SOME EXTRA TANKS IN THE BACK.
SO, IF YOU'LL JUST FORM A LINE SINGLE-FILE, PLEASE THAT'S IT.
OKAY THERE ARE PROCEDURES IN PLACE.
PROCEDURES.
PROCEDURES.
( sighing ) FORGIVE ME, LORD, FOR WHAT I'M ABOUT TO DO.
HANK'S GETTING ME A NEW COMPUTER FOR CHRISTMAS.
WELL, I THINK IT'S ROMANTIC.
DID IT MAKE THE NEWS? DID WHAT MAKE THE NEWS? OVER AT WORK-- MURRAY HOGARTH WAS CRYING.
PEGGY, THIS COMPUTER THING COULD BE BIG.
YOU WERE RIGHT TO BE WORRIED.
WELL, I AM MORE THAN WORRIED, HANK.
I AM PANICKED.
I AM PANICKED THAT MY OLD COMPUTER IS GOING TO DRAG THIS FAMILY DOWN INTO THE DEPTHS OF CHAOS.
LET'S GET RID OF THAT OLD COMPUTER.
OH RIGHT.
EXACTLY.
I AGREE.
LET'S GET RID OF THAT OLD COMPUTER, SHALL WE? OH, HE IS SUCH A BAD ACTOR.
LET ME IN.
OH, DALE, THANK GOODNESS.
EVERYONE ELSE IS LOSING THEIR HEADS, AND YOU'RE THE ONLY SHUT UP.
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR LITTLE PROBLEMS.
MY GERBIL SCREWED ME.
WHAT? I'M RUINED.
ALL OF THE PLANNING AND THE SECRET HOARDING YOU'VE BEEN HOARDING? DUH! I NEED FOODSTUFFS.
WHAT DO YOU GOT? I HAVE GOT NOTHING FOR A LIAR LIKE YOU.
YOU'VE GOT THREE TANKS OF PROPANE.
HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT? HANK, I HAVE DEDICATED MY LIFE TO GETTING AHEAD OF OTHERS IN TIMES OF CRISIS.
THIS IS MY TIME.
FINE, I-IT'S YOUR TIME.
SO WHAT DO WE DO? I HAVE NO IDEA.
ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE GOING TO NEED YOUR OWN WHEAT GRINDER.
I'LL TEACH YOU HOW TO GROW YOUR OWN MUNG BEANS IN OLD PAPER TOWELS.
I LIVE IN A SHACK, AND I POOP IN AN OUTHOUSE.
THAT'S IT?! THIS IS YOUR GO-TO GUY? AN OUTHOUSE AND MONKEY BEANS? I COULDN'T TAKE ON THE FREAKING BICENTENNIAL WITH AN OUTHOUSE AND MONKEY BEANS LET ALONE THE MILLENNIUM.
IS THAT A DIG? YOU LISTEN TO ME, CLEM KADIDDLEHOPPER AND YOU LISTEN GOOD.
1.
2 TRILLION LINES OF LETHAL SOFTWARE CODE YEAH, AND 30 BILLION EMBEDDED MICROCHIPS.
ALL GOING DOWN! UTILITIES WILL FAIL.
NUCLEAR WEAPONS WILL LAUNCH THEMSELVES.
WAIT.
HOLD HOLD ON, NOW.
DON'T CUT ME OUT.
WE CAN WORK AS A TEAM, RIGHT? ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE CARE OF TOOLS AND SUPPLIES.
YOU GUYS ARE IN CHARGE OF FOOD.
TRY TO STAY FOCUSED.
I KNOW THAT YOUR MOM WANTS A COMPUTER FOR CHRISTMAS BUT SHE'LL THANK ME COME JANUARY FIRST, WHEN THIS IS THE ONLY GIFT ON THE BLOCK THAT'LL WORK.
AND WHEN THAT GRID GOES DOWN YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN? I DON'T KNOW WHAT A GRID IS.
EXACTLY.
NOBODY DOES.
AND THEY CERTAINLY WON'T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS AND THAT'S WHEN THEY'LL BE KNOCKING ON OUR DOOR ASKING TO USE OUR CLOCK.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR POWER DRILL? GONE.
GOT RID OF IT.
TRADED IT TO A FOOL FOR A SACK OF CORN.
WE'VE ONLY GOT SIX DAYS TO STOCK UP ON ALOE VERA QUILTED TOILET PAPER.
I'LL GET THE TRUCK.
Dale: SHUSH.
LET ME HANDLE THIS.
( clearing throat ) MY FRIEND CHAPPY AND I BOTH HAVE WIVES FOR WHOM WE ARE LOOKING FOR PRESENTS.
CHRISTMAS DOGS TO PUT UNDER THE TREE.
WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS LHASA APSO? NO, THAT'S WAY TOO SMALL.
YEAH.
WELL, UH, LET'S SEE.
THIS ONE'S OLD AND KIND OF ROPY.
MY WIFE WOULD NOT ENJOY IT.
MAYBE YOU TWO SHOULD STEP AWAY FROM THE CAGES.
PLEASE.
MY WIFE IS IN A WHEELCHAIR.
ALL SHE WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS IS A BIG, FAT DOG WITH LOTS OF MEAT ON HIS HAUNCHES.
I'LL TAKE ALL NINE OF THOSE LITTLE DOGS ON TOP.
WRAP THEM UP.
( groaning ) Bobby: WE HAVE CHRISTMAS.
HAVE WE LOST POWER? DON'T KNOW, BUT WHEN WE DO, WE'LL BE READY.
OKAY, BOBBY.
HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU GET US STARTED? I LOVE IT.
WELL, YOU DID DROP SOME PRETTY BIG HINTS.
( chuckling ) ALL RIGHT, WHO'S NEXT? ME, ME, ME.
OH OH, THANKS.
UM, IT'S YEAH, THANKS.
CAREFUL, LUANNE.
THEY DON'T CALL IT A MANGLE FOR NOTHING.
( chuckling ) IT'S A LAUNDRY MANGLE.
FOR A WHITE CHRISTMAS.
THAT'S 4,000 SHEETS.
THANK YOU, BOBBY.
WELL, I GOT YOU A DISCMAN.
AND, UNCLE HANK, I GOT YOU A PAIR OF TIMBERLAND BOOTS.
AND I GOT TOILET PAPER AND A LAUNDRY MANGLE.
Hank: PEGGY, YOUR TURN.
IS IT BIGGER THAN A MOUSE PAD? WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GO FIND OUT? IT'S IN YOUR OFFICE.
( gasps ) THAT IS NOT A COMPUTER.
NO.
IT'S A STROMWELL FROM 1910.
I DO NOT WANT A GRANDFATHER CLOCK! AND I DO NOT WANT TOILET PAPER! FINE.
I'LL TAKE THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK.
IT'S A GREAT GRANDFATHER CLOCK.
I'LL BET YOU'RE READY FOR THE MILLENNIUM, COACH LANDRY.
YOU WON 270 GAMES, AND ALL YOU NEEDED WAS ONE SUIT.
AND ONE HAT.
AND THAT ONE EXPRESSION.
( sniffs, sighs ) WHOOPS.
( groans ) ( clock ticking ) Peggy: HANK? I'M TAKING BOBBY AND LUANNE TO GET REAL PRESENTS.
OH, AND I'M GOING TO BE DRIVING A CAR IF THAT'S OKAY WITH YOU.
( clock chiming ) ( groaning ) ( gasping ) ARE YOU GUYS CRAZY? DON'T STICK YOUR HEADS OUT THERE.
YOU'LL GET WHACKED.
UH, PEGGY I'M GONNA GET A COMPUTER.
OW.
OOH.
( grunting ) BOBBY BOBBY MOLE! I'M WEARING DIAPERS, FATHER.
WHAT? I'M GOING BACKWARDS.
I'M A BABY NOW.
THE FUTURE IS BAD.
YOU SAID SO YOURSELF.
( talking baby talk ) ( groaning ) UP AND DOWN.
JOIN THE PARTY.
JOIN THE PARTY.
UP AND DOWN.
THIS IS INSANITY.
KEEP YOUR HEADS DOWN.
TOM LANDRY? HELLO, HANK.
COACH LANDRY, YOU'VE GOT TO GET OFF THE PLATFORM.
IT'S A PEG-AND-GEAR.
IN A COUPLE OF SECONDS IT'S GOING TO PUSH YOU THROUGH THAT HOLE.
I KNOW.
BUT AREN'T YOU SCARED? YOU'RE GOING TO GET WHACKED.
NOT EVERY TIME, HANK.
THE TIMES YOU DON'T, IT'S PRETTY SWEET.
SUNSHINE, FRESH AIR A LITTLE FOOTBALL ON THE TV IN THE ARCADE.
EVERY TIME I GO UP, I SEE A LITTLE MORE.
WELL, MY TURN AGAIN.
AAH! COWBOYS ARE PLAYING.
ATTABOY, TROY.
COME ON, BOBBY.
IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
COACH LANDRY SAID SO.
NO.
I LIKE IT HERE.
IT'S SAFE, AND IT'S QUILTED.
( talking baby talk ) BOBBY, COME WITH ME.
EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE JUST FINE.
OH! ( gasping ) ( grunting ) ( screams ) OH, FOR GOODNESS SAKES! DAD! ARE YOU OKAY? ( coughing and sputtering ) YEAH.
YEAH, I'M OKAY.
WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE OKAY.
( sighing ) ( grunts ) WHAT ARE YOU DOING? BOBBY, TRUST ME.
I WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE FOR ALMOST RUINING CHRISTMAS.
THERE REALLY IS NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF ABOUT THIS MILLENNIUM.
HECK, THE YEAR 2000 ONLY HAPPENS ONCE IN THE HISTORY OF MAN, AND WE'RE DARN LUCKY TO SEE IT HAPPEN.
PEGGY, DO YOU REMEMBER HOW EXCITED YOU WERE WHEN YOU ROLLED OVER THE ODOMETER IN YOUR BUICK? WELL, IMAGINE IF THE WHOLE WORLD HAD BEEN IN THAT CAR WITH YOU.
( gasping ) OH, MAN.
OH, HANK, HONEY, DON'T DON'T BURN THE CLOCK.
YOU KNOW, THE MORE I SEE I THE MORE I THINK IT MAKES ME LOOK LIKE AN INTELLECTUAL.
UH, ACTUALLY, PEGGY, I GOT YOU A REAL CHRISTMAS PRESENT.
A SYSTEM? REALLY? THE BLUEBERRY ONE.
IT'LL BE HERE TOMORROW.
OH, HANK.
( grunts ) Kahn: HEY, HILLBILLIES! THOSE AREN'T LOGS, YOU KNOW.
YEAH, THEY FOR WIPEY-WIPEY.
Dale: YOU WILL BE BEGGING FOR GERBSTER.