Rules of Engagement s04e10 Episode Script

Timmy, it's fantastic.
Oh, yeah.
Timmy, it's the coolest wedding website I've ever seen.
And I've seen four.
Thanks.
Ah, well, there she is.
The Nard-Crusher 2000.
Adam, you didn't tell me it was Bring a Hobbit to Work Day.
Enough with the pleasantries.
What are you doing here? Timmy built us a wedding website so we could keep our friends updated on our plans.
Yes, it's called Adam and Jen's Big Day.
com.
"Two Losers and a Cake Dot Lame" wasn't available? All right.
Let's see what we have here.
"This is Our Story.
" "This is the Proposal.
" This is the happiest day of my life.
Oh, I don't remember that one.
No, this is the happiest day of my life.
Ha! Timmy, I have hours of mocking in front of me.
Hold all my calls.
No one calls you, sir.
Ha-ha.
Let me check this out.
"Jennifer, so soft and warm on my arm.
" My lucky charm, "my chicken parm.
" Oh, my God! It's a poem! This dude wrote a poem! Ha-ha! He's like a gay Walt Whitman.
Walt Whitman was gay.
Not this gay.
# How many ways To say, "I love you?" # # How many ways To say that I'm not scared? # # With you by my side # # There is no denyin' # # I can't wait For me and you # Hey.
Hey.
What's wrong? Oh, do they don't have that soup I like? No, I'm bummed because we just met with another surrogate and we're just having no luck.
I didn't knew you guys were getting a surrogate.
Yes.
I told you after the last in vitro didn't take we were gonna look into surrogacy.
Are you sure it was me? Yes, it was right in this booth.
You'd just come from having a haircut and I was Oh, yes, I remember.
You said my hair looked really cute, kind of like Megan Fox.
And I said that's what I was going for and then you were You cannot recall one thing about the surrogacy, but you got the whole haircut transcript? Megan Fox.
That's not unhot.
We've been meeting with these different women and you know instantly you don't want them carrying your baby.
Yeah, the last one was too short.
Not my type.
You do know you don't get to have sex with the surrogate.
Uh, you're not hearing me.
I don't want to.
Too short.
It doesn't matter anyway.
I'm certain to give up hope we'll find anybody.
Oh, my cousin used a surrogate and just loved her.
Went on and on about her.
I could get her number.
This just occurred to you now? I'm sorry, Audrey.
Sometimes I'm not a good listener.
I told you I'm not the only one spacing out during your stories.
You know? You gotta pick up the pace.
You know, some of this websites have little mottos.
Maybe ours should have one.
Uh, well, what kind of motto? Well, this one says "A day of love, an eternity of loving.
" Wow, that's great.
You know, honey, I don't even wanna try to top that.
Yeah.
You don't seem as into the website as you were before.
You know, I just feel like it's kind of played.
You know? I mean I mean, everyone's like, just a little burned out over it.
It's been up for six hours.
This is about Russell, isn't it? Of course it is.
Honey, he never stops.
I mean, all day I was Honey, Russell's an immature, pathetic little troll.
You love our wedding website.
Don't let his stupid comments wreck it for you.
Okay, I'll try.
Now, come look.
This morning I posted that picture of us at the beach sharing an ice cream cone.
Oh, my God! Aah! That is not an ice cream cone.
Ugh.
Russell.
Oh, God, you're back.
What took you so long? I went out to get the doughnuts.
No! God! No doughnuts.
Why no doughnuts? I talked to Jen's cousin about the surrogate.
She sounds perfect.
Too good for doughnuts.
We can't let her think we eat doughnuts for breakfast.
If she's gonna be with us for nine months, it's gonna come out.
Ah.
Look, I'm really excited about this girl.
She's a college grad, she comes from a very good family.
Oh, Aah.
That's her.
Okay.
Please, Jeff, I want this so badly.
Let's give it our best shot, okay? Hey, I already gave it my best shot into that cup at the clinic.
That's doughnut humor.
Ahem.
Hi, I'm Pam Nelson.
Hi.
Oh, hi, Audrey Bingham.
So nice to meet you.
This is my husband, Jeff.
Pleasure.
Hey, there.
Wow, you have a beautiful apartment.
Oh, thank you.
And doughnut-free.
Please, have a seat.
So I understand you're interested in leasing out my uterus.
Just kidding.
It's a little surrogate joke.
Oh, ha.
Ha-ha-ha! That's so funny.
Isn't that funny? Tell us another surrogate joke.
I really only have the one.
That's one more than that short gal out in Jersey.
So here's my deal.
I've carried one child so far and it was amazing.
I felt like I was giving such a wonderful gift to that family that I just really wanna do it again.
Oh.
That's a beautiful story.
Wow.
Yes, it was.
And not to mention tight, to the point.
The kind of story someone might remember.
So is there anything else you would like to know about me? Well, in regards to your health history, uh Jeff, little personal, isn't it? I love your shirt.
Where did you get it? Yeah, that's more of what we need to know.
I like you guys.
You're kidding.
At the risk of sounding a little nutty, I get vibes from people, and, uh, I feel very comfortable around you.
Did you hear that? I'm sitting here, closer to her than you.
Right.
Okay.
So, what's the next step? Well, to be honest, there is another couple in the mix.
And I've met with them, and I really like them too.
Really? Let me ask you this.
Did the other couple provide any kind of snack or baked good? Just some water.
Oh, my God, we have that.
How many? How much do you want? No, I I'm fine.
Thank you, though.
Um, so once we're finished here, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna think everyone and them I'm gonna let everybody know my decision tomorrow, if that's okay with you? That would be fine.
No, pick us now.
All right, listen up.
That website was dedicated to the most important day of Jen's and my life, and you are gonna stop your stupid, tasteless jokes.
I'm sorry, I was just kidding around, but if I went too far, I apologize.
I didn't meant to upset you.
Well that's okay.
Uh, apology accepted.
Actually, I've decided I'm gonna help you spread the joy of your website with as many people as possible.
Especially after seeing this new video that Jen just posted.
What new video? It's literally my favorite thing ever.
What the No, no.
She posted that? I thought I erased it.
Well, you didn't.
And you should've.
# Something inside me Makes me love you # It's nice.
# Baby, give me all you got # A little greedy.
# When you put Your love inside me # # It always hits My special spot # No! No! My My heart! My special spot is my heart.
I'm sure that's what everyone I e-mailed it to thinks.
You know what? I don't give a crap about what anybody thinks.
I am proud of everything on that website and you're not gonna ruin it for me.
Well done in there, Mr.
Rhodes.
The way you stood up to Mr.
Dunbar's bullying will make Jennifer proud.
Thank you.
Oh, uh, Mr.
Rhodes, I have some mail for you.
Should I put it on your desk or in your special spot? Take it down.
I'm sorry? The website.
Crash it.
Crash it hard.
Well, this really was a pleasure.
For us too.
And thank you for all the water.
I'll think of you every time I pee.
Hilarious.
Okay.
Bye, funny Pam.
Oh, my God, she's the greatest.
Don't you think How did you get those so fast? You're already through one? Yeah.
One.
Anyway, how was I? Some of your comments were a bitneedy.
Like what? Well, when you likened her uterus to a cathedral.
Ah.
I was nervous.
Is that why you did those 17 lady pushups? No, I wanted to show her how strong my eggs were.
I'm not sure that was the takeaway.
Oh, God, it was a disaster.
She's gonna pick the other people.
There's gotta be something else we can do.
Well, the doughnut ship has sailed.
Hey, what if we offer her more money? You know, grease her a little.
We're trying to get a baby, not a table near a window.
I just I just want her to pick us.
Being so close makes me realize how much I want a baby.
Yeah, so do I.
But it's out of our hands.
If it's meant to be, it'll be.
Right? Yeah, yeah.
You're right.
Maybe it is meant to be.
Hi, Pam, listen.
I'm sorry to call so late, but if there's anything we could do that might make your decision easier, like, I don't know, maybe an extra $5000 Oh, God.
Hm.
I thought that we agreed to leave this thing alone.
Oh, come on.
How can you be so naive? Pam's never gonna pick us.
Why do you say that? You don't even know the other people.
I don't have to.
Look at us.
We're not good.
What can we offer a child, besides food and shelter? And with you at the table, it might just be shelter.
You gotta calm down.
Jeff, we're gonna lose! Game over.
Thanks for playing, Binghams.
I see.
And you thought another 5 grand would even the playing field? Uh, I don't know.
But it's better than: "If it's meant to be, it will be.
" There's no need to drag my velvety baritone through the mud.
And for the record, even though I do eat a lot, I would always leave a little something for the baby.
Hey, sweetie, what are you doing here? Oh.
Our website is down.
What?! Yes, it seems to have crashed.
No! It can't It can't be! How could you have let this happen, Timmy? Be more incompetent next time! I'm sorry, Mr.
Rhodes.
Oh, well.
Grab some lunch? You know you've never been able to lie to me.
Yes, I have.
That's not true, I haven't.
Did you have something to do with this? No.
Really? Damn, you always ask such good follow-up questions.
Honey, I know the website meant a lot to you.
But you don't have to face Russell every day.
He's so mean.
Why do you let him get to you? Just ignore him.
Hey, guys.
Bad day for gayness.
Your website's down.
But luckily, not before I was able to print this picture with some slight modifications.
Oh, my God! You didn't.
I kinda did.
You see that? He's kneeling down in front of you, but he's not proposing.
Ha-ha! You're such a dirtbag jackass.
Hey, wait.
Whoa, whoa.
Let's keep it professional.
Sir, at the risk of spoiling your fun, may I remind you you're running late for your appointment.
Oh, crud.
What time are you expected back on the Dutch Boy can? Touché, you got me on that one.
Timmy, I need you to hand these out to everyone in the building, and randomly on the subway on your way home.
Well, this is somewhat awkward, but I do have my marching orders.
Thanks, Timmy.
Fair enough.
There's got to be something we can do to stop him.
But how? Perhaps I could be of assistance.
You see, what you need here is leverage.
But we have none.
Not at the moment.
But you might gain some, if we act quickly.
Okay.
Okay, we better help you pass out these fliers so we can get going.
What's that? Is someone here? Smile and say "super cheesy.
" No! No! Don't! Get out of here! No! Okay.
So, what do you want? Well, I want you to stop insulting our website, ever print or alter any photos from it, and don't change the lyrics of our first-dance song to make it sound gay.
Do what you want.
But every person in our company directory will see all of these photos, including this one.
Honey.
The caption was my idea.
"Must be chilly in a tanning booth.
" That's not fair.
It was very cold in there.
Nowhere is it that cold.
So do we have an agreement? Fine.
I'll stay away from your stupid website, all right? Are you guys happy now? Yeah.
Jen? You know what? I thought I would be, but I'm not.
These pictures are too good not to share.
Really? Well, that would mean the end of our wedding website.
Oh, screw the website.
It is kind of gay.
And send.
There's no way you just really sent that.
Oh, good Lord! I kinda did.
You're really still gonna use that? It's just water.
Toilet water.
Your phone was in a toilet.
I mean, if that's not time to hit the Verizon store, I don't know what is.
Oh, look, someone's calling on the dry one.
Hello? Oh, hey.
How are you? Fine, sure.
Come on up.
Who was that? That's Pam.
And she's in the lobby.
And, uh, she's on her way up.
Oh, my God! What do you think she wants? Wait.
How's my hair? It's fine.
Well, yours isn't.
You've got bed head.
What if she finds out I sleep in a bed? Oh, God.
Hi, Pam.
Nice to see you.
You too.
May I come in? Sure, of course.
Yeah.
Okay, so here's the thing.
Last night I got a voicemail from a woman.
She didn't say who she was and I couldn't recognize her voice, but she was offering me an additional $5000 to carry her baby.
I was very disappointed.
Huh.
Do you have any friends who are practical jokers? I don't.
That's too bad, you're missing out.
So I went to the other woman, Sandra, and she swore that she didn't make that call.
So do you have something you'd like to say to me? Yes.
Uh, I'd like to say that I'm disgusted Sandra would stoop to that level.
Well, one of you made the call.
Since nobody wants to admit it, I don't feel comfortable offering either of you my services.
Really? For me, surrogacy is not about the money.
It's about the feeling I get doing a selfless act for deserving people who otherwise wouldn't be able to have a child.
But in this case, the word "deserving" doesn't seem to apply.
I'm gonna go.
Uh, Pam, wait.
Wait, wait, wait! Just I'm the one who made the call.
Jeff tried to talk me out of it.
And I wouldn't listen to him.
You don't hear that too often.
I just I couldn't stand waiting and not being able to do anything.
But I can't let another couple pay for my mistake.
You should You should pick them.
Then that's what I'm gonna do.
Take care, Audrey.
Pam, could you wait a minute, please? Did you see what my wife did? She came clean.
Because deep down, she's honest.
It's very deep down, and sometimes it takes a while to come to the surface.
Jeff Let me Let me finish.
Did Audrey's screws come loose in the middle of the night? You betcha.
The way I see it, her only crime is wanting it too much.
And someone who wants it that much would make a great mom.
A great supplier of a baby to fester up down there in your region.
Now, that's very moving.
Up until "fester.
" Look, I truly hope that you guys have the family that you want someday.
But that doesn't change the fact that she thought I would compromise my morals for $5000.
What if we made it 10? I'd say it's not gonna work.
Okay.
For Sandra and Duane.
Congratulations.
You're gonna be parents! Oh, my God! Okay, bye.
Take care.
See you.
Hey, how you doing? Russell Dunbar.
Pam Nelson.
Ah.
Do you live in the building, Pam? No, just doing some business with people who do.
Delightful.
Here we go.
So this, uh, business be bringing you back here much? Yes, actually it will.
How fortuitous.
No! Is something wrong? Ah.
God, I hope not.