South Park s04e10 Episode Script

Today, we are going to talk about hell! Hello, satan! Saddam.
Us jews don't believe in hell.
But what if we're wrong? Let's go! They killed kenny! He had sins that he didn't confess! No, saddam, i told you, i'm with chris now.
Boys, it is your christian duty To save the souls of your friends.
I love you, satan.
I love you too, saddam.
Agh! Agh! Fonz, there is no way you can jump that shark with your waterskis! Ay, i've gotta try, richie! Ooh! Dude, if this guy's going to hell? Who's gonna save us? Well, it looks like we're gonna have to save Everyone in this town ourselves! Go fonz! Aaaayyyy- And now the exciting conclusion of "south park"! Aayyyyy! Aaghgh! I told him he couldn't do it.
I am saying this because we must be saved-A! The lord is powerful and he will smote the sinners And send them to everlasting hell-A! If you do not live your life for him-A! Then to the lake of fire you shall go-A! You see that, parents? Your children have refused to come in to class since this morning! I'm afraid your son is the leader, ms.
Cartman.
Apparently he's read the entire bible And now he's scaring the hell out of everyone.
Poopie-Kins! It's time to stop preaching damnation to everyone, sweetie.
Don't you guys, um Persercrute our religious beliefs! Yeah! Yeah! We're not trying to persecute you, kids.
But you're supposed to be in school! What purpose does school have? The bible says the only goal in this life Is to praise god and get into heaven! Yeah, this life is short, the afterlife is forever! Don't listen to them, kids, you have to go to school! Many of you knew kenny mckormick.
He was a playful, school-Going eight-Year-Old.
And then yesterday He was smacked down by the lord-A! God bitch slapped him right to the fiery depths of hell! So when will you go? Tomorrow, ten years? Does it matter? No! Because unless you give this life to the lord, That life belongs to satan! Agh! Agh! But we cannot worship god in that church Where the priest of sin resides! So we will build a new church! With crystal walls, a ceiling eighty-Feet high, And a slide that connects this part myha to this part mhya! Who will help us! I will! I will! Praise god-A! If i go spend the night with saddam, Then it's over between me and chris.
Chris has been so nice to me.
And i know saddam will just hurt me again.
Maybe i'll just go talk to saddam.
I need closure, yeah, that's it, i need closure.
What am i doing? What took ya so long, baby? Saddam, i'm just here to talk.
Great, let's talk! Mmm, this bed is comfy-Womfy! Saddam, i only came here because i need closure.
Sounds fun, you know me, i'll try anything! No, saddam, listen to me- Would you like a drink? Maybe just a little one, i have to go back soon.
I need you to understand that we can't be together anymore.
I need you tonot come by the condo, Andnottry to see me.
Chris thinks we can all be friends, but i don't.
And i have to focus on chris now.
What is this? These hotels have all kinds of crazy channels.
Saddam, will you listen to me? Chris is a great person! He is the one i want to be with now! Really, so then what are you doing here? I don't know about you, But this video is gettin' me pretty hot.
Saddam Here, have another drink.
Ugh, oh god, my head! I drank too much chris? Oh no! Man, look at that! We went through fourteen bottles of vegetable oil! Ooh, i'm all greasy! Oh god, what time is it? Last night was awesome! Aren't we together again now? I don't know, i guess so.
But now i have to go home and tell chris.
Screw him! No, saddam, i at least owe him an explanation.
I just don't know what i'm gonna say.
I know how to solve this little problem.
We are now entering ensenada, The second largest city on the mexican baja peninsula.
We have now traveled over 2000 miles since leaving new york city! We'll just be stopping here for a few moments for gas And then our tour will continue on to its final destination! Oiga, hay algo pegado bajo el autobus! Que? What's stuck to the bottom of the bus? Hmph! Oh, goodness.
We must have run over a little mexican further up north.
Is it okay? Pienso que si.
Well, here's fifty for the gas,adios! Where am i? Que? Where am i? Que? It is beautiful.
Thine church is almost completeth.
There's no way god would want to send us to hell now! Yeah this church kicks a- It, it kicks.
Hello, boys.
Don't try to take me away again, mom and dad! I told you, i renounced the jewish faith! It's not that, kyle.
It's just that eric's mother needs to see you all right away.
Just really quick, she says it's very important.
Very well, yea, guys, Let us walk to mine home and see what mine mom wants.
I sure hope this works.
Hello, kiddies! I made you all powdered-Donut pancake surprise! Wow, cool! No, it is a trick! Do not vex me, oh temptress! What? This is a distraction from our work on the church! Do not think that you can tempt us with toys And games And tidings of powdered-Donut pancake surprise! For it is the afterlife we concern ourselves with! Not the pleasures on this earth! But salvation in the world after! Yeah! Oh, well, alrighty then.
I don't think it worked.
Aw! Aw! Let us get back to our work at the church.
Yea, i shall answer the phone-Na.
Hello? Mprh mprm rm rmph rm rmph! Oh my god! What? It's kenny, he's calling from beyond the grave! Kenny? What's he say! Ask him what hell is like! Kenny, you have to tell us about hell! Give us every last horrible detail! Um Oh god, chris is gonna be so mad at me! Well, here goes Hey, you.
Hi, chris.
You were out all night.
Yeah, i just Spent the night walking around the marina.
Satan, you know you're not a very good liar.
You went and saw saddam, didn't you? Yes.
Satan i understand.
What? I still feel secure and safe with you.
Oh, no! What, what's wrong? I said it's okay.
I know! Well, what more do you want from me? Well, could you not be such a pussy about it? I mean, can't you just say "If you ever see saddam again i'll break your legs" Or "i'm gonna go kick saddam's ass" or something? Satan, i'm a 90s man.
I cry when i need to, i share my feelings And i keep my mind open about everything.
Just give me some boundaries, be jealous! Go throw a football around, for christ's sake! Now you're starting to hurt my feelings.
I'm sorry, chris.
It's not you, really, it's me.
You're the best thing that's ever happened to me And for some reason, i can't just accept that.
Die, pussy! Aahghgh! Chris! Saddam what the hell are you doing? There, i got rid of the problem for you! Now there's no conflict! No, not like this! Friends, i have to tell you that last night, I received a phone call from beyond the grave! It was our departed friend, kenny, Calling from the depths of hell! And he described what hell is like in horrid detail! He said that in hell, the smell is awful! He said that in hell, everyone speaks spanish! Aagh! Aagh! He said there is water in hell, But if you drink it, you pee blood out your ass for seven hours! No! No! And perhaps worst of all, In hell, there are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores.
But they all have the same little trinkets in them! Aaghgh! Aaghgh! Where is our daughter! Dad? Marcy, you are coming home this instant! We are saving your daughter from the clutches of hell, sir! You're not going to make my daughter part of your cult! Your daughter could die tomorrow and then what? You're just a stupid little fat kid who thinks that- Stephen? Stephen, no! The lord has spoken again! Oh forgive us, lord, for our sins! Forgive us lord! Forgive us lord! Let us pray! Heavenly father, do not send us to hell.
We're sorry.
Whatever we did, we're sorry.
Stephen? Stephen! Where- Where am i? Where are we? Oh my god! What's happening? Aaghgh! Hello newcomers and welcome.
Can everybody hear me? Hello? Can everybody- Okay.
I'm the hell director.
It looks like we have about And for those of you who were a little confused, Uh, you are dead and this is hell.
So abandon all hope and yadda-Yadda-Yadda Uh, we're now going to start the orientation process which will last about -= Hey, wait a minute, i shouldn't be here! I was a totally strict and devout protestant! I thought we went to heaven! Yes, well, i'm afraid you were wrong.
I was a practicing jehovah's witness.
You picked the wrong religion, as well.
Well, who was right? Who gets into heaven? I'm afraid it was themormons.
Yes, themormons were the correct answer.
Aw! Aw! So now, i'd like to quickly introduce Your new ruler and master for eternity, satan.
Rrrarrghghh! Aaaahghgh! Aaaahghgh! Now you are all part of my domain! Every day hell grows larger and my minions My minions I'm sorry, i just can't do this today.
I'm just- I'm sorry.
Uh, okay, thank you satan.
Satan! Excuse me, excuse me.
Chris, but i thought you were dead! Yeah, well, where was i gonna go, detroit? Chris i didn't mean for saddam to stab you- Hey, it's alright.
All that matters is that i'm back And we're together forever, right? Uh, yeah, great.
Aw! Aw! Let's see, matthew 15:1-1.
"Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man, But that which come out of the mouth defileth a man.
" That's a good one, clyde frog, interesting.
Look, eric, sister anne has come to visit you.
Yea, it is nice to see you, sister, But i must prepare for my next sermon.
Eric, you need to stop what you're doing.
You need to tell all the kids to go back to school And back to their normal lives.
Sister, have you read this book? Yes, eric, a lot more than you have.
Then you know what it says happens to those that don't follow the lord-A.
Eric, the lord doesn't just send everybody to hell.
That wouldn't make sense.
He wants people to live their lives.
Are you saying that what the bible says isn't true? No! We've got jews and perverts and bullies And all kinds of sinners in this town, sister anne-A.
And without the priest, we've decided to save ourselves.
The only ones the kids can trust now are me and jesus! Ugh! Wait a minute, that's it! And i am going to save all of you right now! I am going to heal your sins! Whoa.
Hello, satan! Oh, crap, it's you.
Yeah, it's me.
I thought i killed you.
Yeah, well- Where was i gonna go, detroit? Do you have a couple minutes to go for a walk? Yeah, just real quick, around the park or something.
Is this some kind of trick? No, i just want you to go for a quick walk with me.
Please? Well, alright, just let me grab something real quick.
? Da da da da daa? Okay, let's walk.
Saddam, I get the feeling that you don't like me very much.
Gee, whatever gave you that idea? When i stabbed you in the head? Look, satan is a very important person to me.
And i know he's an important person to you, too.
So don't you think it's best for us to try and get along? I realize that some things about me bother you, So i'd like to hear what those things are, So that i can work on them.
You know why i don't like you, chris? Because you're the kind of guy, Who, if somebody didn't like him, He would take them for a walk in the park and ask them why.
You're a pussy! Aaaaaaghhhhhh! Oh god! Ha ha ha ha! Nooo! Aaghhgh! Agahgh! Ow! Blagh! Today this jewish boy and all sinners are going to be saved-A! Kyle, do you believe in god-A? Yes! Do you want to be saved from hell-A? Yes! That's good, because right now All the jewness is coming out of your body, Being replaced by the spirit of god-A! Bap! Ow! Praise god, how do you feel now? Do you feel the light of god inside of you? Uh, i think so.
Praise the lord! Yay! Yay! ? For he is lord? ? He is lord? Bring up the next person! This boy has been crippled with sin.
But i hear god saying that this boy will walk! Hallelujah! Timmy! We are gonna save you And you are gonna walk with the lord-A! Timmy! Devil be gone-A! Hagh! Now walk, timmy! Hagh! Come on, timmy, get out of that chair-A! The lord wants you to walk, timmy! Walk, timmy! Timmy! He walks! Wow! Wow! Wagh! Yes, praise the lord! Praise the lord! Praise the lord! And now it's like there's one guy who's horrible to me, But i'm totally sexually attracted to, And then one guy who's really nice to me, But i'm not sexually attracted to at all! Wow, that really sucks.
I've asked everybody for advice, But nobody seems to know the answer.
Well, there's one person who i always used to ask when i needed advice.
Who? God.
God? I can't do that.
I haven't spoken to god in, like, 5,000 years.
Well then, maybe it's time.
? Doot doot doo doot doot doo? ? Doot doot doo? ? Doot doot doo? ? For he is lord lord lord lord? Where are you from, little boy? Denver.
And god is telling me that you have Bad eyesight, is that it? Yeah, that's right! Ooh! Ooh! Well god is going to heal those eyes And save you from the devil be gone-A! Hooray! Hooray! ? For he is lord lord lord lord? Right here we have a little girl who is very, very ugly.
Do you believe he's going to cure your face of the uglies? Yes! He's gonna take that ugly face And make you reasonable to look at - Bwap! Wrrrrrrrr! Oh good lord, somebody say amen! Amen! Amen! ? Doot doot doo? Hi, hi, welcome to heaven, brother! You followed the mormon faith and so you've been let in! Uh, actually, i'm just stopping by.
Well, you picked a great time! We've got cookies and punch And were just about to start playing charades! Hooray! Hooray! And then brother stephen's brought his guitar So we can sing songs about how much it hurts to lie! Oooh! Oooh! Uh, look, i just need to talk with god.
Is he around? Sure, all you have to do is say his name and he's there.
I'm so grateful for that.
Me too! Me too! Great, thanks.
Uh, hello, god? It's uh satan.
Yea, look upon me and know me.
Hi, god.
Hello, satan.
It's been a long time.
Yeah.
What brings you here? Do you wish to mount your unholy war against heaven? No, i have a problem and i need your advice.
You want to rule more than hell? You want to destroy the earth? No, it's kind of a long story but Well, it all started when this iraqi dictator, saddam hussein, Was killed by a pack of wild boars.
I remember when i first met him in hell, It was a lovely morning in april and ? Oh praise the lord? And now i am receiving a message directly from god! God is telling me That each and every one of you is to walk up to this stage And give me one dollar! So, i want everyone to feel the love of god by coming on up here And putting a dollar in the box-A! Come on, don't be shy, come on-A! Dude, that seems kind of weird.
Yeah, i don't remember him saying anything aboutthis.
And now chris and saddam just keep killing each other over and over And i don't know which one to pick! Jesus, what the hell happened to you? Huh? You got kicked outta here for being a headstrong rebel.
And now you're a whiny little bitch.
I just don't know which one to pick! No, you've become dependent on relationships, So you haven't even consideredthe option Of not being with either of them! If you're not sexually attracted to someone, You're not ever going to be.
But saddam isn't right either.
He's the other extreme.
You need to spend time alone, So that you can find the balance the middle ground.
That's what i always do, because i'm a buddhist.
God, you're right.
You know, i've had steady relationships For the last thousand years.
When one ends, i just start another one, But i haven't taken the time to be secure with myself.
Bingo.
Hey, thanks, god.
I forgot how clear you make things sometimes.
It was nice to see you again, satan.
You, too.
Good-Bye.
Would you like to stay for some cookies and punch? Yes, would you? Uh, no, i need to be getting back.
Oh alright then, but you're gonna miss our big play! Yes, we're going to do a play about how alcohol can ruin family life.
Well, sounds great, but i really gotta go.
Well, he seemed like a nice fellow.
Yes! Let's make things out of egg cartons! Ooh let's! Good idea! ? Doot doot doo doot doot doo? Yeeess, yeeesss! It worked, you guys, it actually worked! What worked? Everybody bought the whole act! They'll keep giving and giving until we have it all! What? What? You're keeping that money yourself? Of course, you guys, and then we can make Ten million dollars! Look, the "tooth fairy" thing didn't work, The "boy band" thing didn't last, so i tried this route.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You mean that this whole thing has just been a way for you To make ten million dollars? It all came to me days ago, When we were first in sunday school.
But what about going to hell and all that? Dude, if god is all-Understanding.
He wouldn't send us to hell.
Even sister anne told me that! Then why didn't you tell us? My brain is of a much larger size than you guys'.
I couldn't expect you to understand.
Not until you actuallysaw the cash flow.
The only thing of yours that's larger in size is your big fat ass! Suck my balls.
Dude, i amso disillusioned right now.
Die, pussy! Ow! Aagh! Wagahgh! Aahh! Guys, guys, guys! Look, you both can stop fighting now.
I've made a decision.
You have? Yes, i Don't want to be with either one of you.
What? What? Saddam, you're an asshole And you'll never be the friend that i want.
And chris, well, you're a pussy And you'll never be the lover i want.
So i'm just gonna be alone for a while and learn to like myself.
Satan, can we go for a walk in the park? No, i'm not going on a walk.
You're a pussy, chris and you drive me crazy, go away.
Fine.
You can't leave me, satan, i won't let you! Today is another day And that's another dollar the lord needs from you-A! So come on up and give to the lord-A! Alright, kids, it's time to go! It's time for this to stop.
Sister anne is a blasphemaaa! I know you won't listen to me.
That's why i brought somebody else.
Oohh! Wow! Jesus! Uh-Oh.
Kids, you all need to stop spending all your time here And go back to school.
Jesus, ex-Nay on the ool-Skay.
God doesn't want you to spend all your time being afraid of hell Or praising his name.
God wants you to spend your time helping others And living a good, happy life.
That's how you live for him.
Yes, by doing that And putting a dollar in the box-A! Let's go ice skating! Yay! Yay! We can help timmy learn how to ice skate, too.
Yeah! No, come back! You face everlasting damnation! Wait! No, no, i can't be cheated out of my ten million dollars again! God dammit! Serves you right, cartman! Yeah! But, eric, i think this time i have to teach you a lesson.
I'm sending you somewhere to think about your sins! You're gonna send me to hell? No, worse! Eric, eric! Oh crap! ? Da da da daa? Hi, bob! Hi, rick! Hi, satan.
There you are! Ugh, not again.
You know you can't live without me! Now get that ass back to bed! Saddam, i told you, i don't need you anymore.
You can't leave me, satan.
Nobody leaves me! Yes, i can! Agahgh! You little prick! Goodbye forever, saddam! What are you talking about? You can kill me, but i'll be back tomorrow! Not this time! I asked a favor of an old friend of mine to let you in.
Let me in where? What the- What the hell is this place? Hello and welcome! We're glad you made it, brother! Who the hell are you? We're just about to do a play About how much stealing hurts you deep inside.
Come join us! Let's go! You're here forever! No! Noooooooooooo! comedy central Captioned by soundwriters™