Everybody Hates Chris s04e11 Episode Script

# All aboard, Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha # CHRIS: In every city, people have disasters they need to survive.
In Miami, they have hurricanes, in San Francisco, they have earthquakes, and in New York, we had blackouts.
You never knew when one was going to happen and you didn't want to be on the street when it did.
(indistinct shouting) (gunfire) (glass shattering) # Crazy # WOMAN: Look out! # But that's how it goes # (tires screech, car crashes) Hey, Chris.
I can't believe this.
There's rioting, looting.
People are getting killed.
I know, it's tragic.
Tragic? It's great.
Stay up.
(tires screeching, gunfire) (yells) Oh! Help, let me in, there's a blackout.
WOMAN: Go away, get out of here! Next to "We're the Jehovah's Witnesses, can we have a minute of your time," "Let me in, there's a blackout" is the only guarantee somebody will not open a door.
(knocking) Help! (grunts) # I'm goin' off the rails # (gun cocks) MAN: Hey.
Don't you move a muscle.
I survived the blackout outside, now I needed to survive the next worst thing: a white man inside.
( funky hip-hop theme playing ) # Ah, make it funky now.
# CHRIS: There's always one white person left in a black neighborhood after all the other ones leave.
Maybe he was going to tell the others when it was safe to come back.
All right, put your hands down.
I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to break into your house.
The door was open, I was just trying to get off the street.
Don't you know better than to be outside in a blackout? You don't remember what happened here in 1977? You've been around here that long? Lived here all my life.
Sixty years.
Wow, you're probably like the last white guy in the neighborhood.
Probably am.
Did a lot of white people used to live around here? "A lot" of white people? It wasallwhite people.
It was a whiteout.
It was great.
The men were polite.
Allow me, madam.
Oh, thank you, sir.
When's the last time you seen a guy do that? When's the last time you saw somebody do that? You got milk delivered to your houses? LEVINE: Cereal too.
Somebody would come by and drink the milk out of the bowl when you were done.
It couldn't have been all great.
We had crime, but the criminals were nice.
Excuse me, sir, but may I bother you for your wallet? Why, of course.
Wow.
So when did it all change? When Willie Harris moved in.
(screaming) After that, I didn't go out much.
Just wasn't the same.
They replaced the crackers with crack.
NEWSCASTER (over radio): This is the worst blackout since 1977.
When asked to describe it, one New Yorker said, "It looked black out," while another said, "It was like the opposite of day.
" Well, better get home.
All right, well, first turn your pockets inside out.
You think I stole something? No, I'm just a freaky old man likes to see the inside of pockets.
Yeah, I think you stole something.
You've been watching me the whole time.
With a gun.
Look, I don't know how Houdini did it and I don't know how you do it.
(sighs) You know, everybody around here isn't a criminal.
If you talked to more people, you'd know that.
All I need to know is that you didn't take any of my stuff.
Now, beat it, and don't tell nobody you were down here.
Back at home, everybody was talking except me.
All the lights went out and then these guys came in Doc's and Doc said they could loot, but they were gonna do it with a bullet in their behind-- And then they left.
It was so cool.
TONYA: We came from Nessa's and this crazy guy just snatched Mom's purse.
That's $56.
43 worth of purse snatching.
Yes, honey, I'm fine.
Anyway, now I got to go down to the DMV to get my license replaced.
Where were you, Chris? With the Grand Wizard of Bed-Stuy.
I was, um, hiding under a car.
I got this.
TONYA: Where were you, Daddy? I was asleep.
You slept through the worst blackout in ten years? What's the difference? I wouldn't have seen it if I was awake and I couldn't see it in my sleep.
Oh, well, since you got so much sleep, you go get dinner.
Sit down, kids.
While I was getting over the blackout, Greg was trying to stand out.
Hey, Chris and Greg.
Hey, Maria.
Did you see that? See what? Watch this.
Hi, Chris and Greg.
She said hi.
So what? No, she said, "Hi, Chris and Greg.
" You were nowhere near me.
I've got no identity.
I'm sick of it.
I'm not Greg, I'm Chris-and-Greg.
I'm just a sidekick.
You're not a sidekick.
That's what Batman told Robin.
Yeah, you're right.
Sidekicks have their own identities.
Tonto, Hutch, Watson, Robin, Kato, Tattoo, Chong, Poncho, 99, Tubbs.
I don't want to be Chris-and- Greg for the rest of my life.
Governor Chris-and-Greg was arrested today on prostitution and racketeering charges.
Governor Chris-and-Greg was elected two years ago on a law and order platform, and now Governor Chris-and-Greg faces up to three years in prison.
Why is it Chris and Greg anyways? Why isn't it Greg and Chris? Because it's not your show.
While being a sidekick was getting old, my mother was feeling young.
# 'Cause I love you Square biz # What's going on with you? "Have you been drinking?" Well, before I got my new driver's license, I had to get a copy of my birth certificate.
Come to find out I am one year younger than what I thought I was, so I'm happy.
So how come you're just finding out how old you are? Well, that's what I had to ask my mother.
Are you sure she's your mother? because, technically, you were born a year after she had you.
Yeah, she's my mother.
Oh, see, she had to get me into kindergarten early, so she lied about my age and forgot to tell me.
Congratulations.
I'm so happy for you.
Thank you, baby.
I'm so young.
(laughs) # I'm talkin' square biz To you, baby # Come on, come on, sing it with me, baby.
# Square biz! # CHRIS: Since Mr.
Levine did me a favor when the lights went out, I thought I'd do him a favor after they were back on.
What do you want? Well, I know you don't get out much, so I thought maybe we could take a walk.
I could introduce you to some of the people.
What are you, a Good Samaritan? In Brooklyn, being nice only aroused suspicion.
Come on, you can see how some of the things have changed.
I don't just go out whenever, I have my routine.
I get my groceries in the morning, I get my walk in before the hooligans come out, I'm back before the judge show comes on.
My nap, lunch.
President Bush had that same routine.
Look, it'll only be for a little while.
It'll be fun.
All right, fine, to get you off my back, we'll do it tomorrow.
You know, I don't know your name.
Levine, Stan Levine.
I'm Chris.
All right.
Hey, hey, turn your pockets inside out.
I didn't even come in.
Inside out, Houdini, you could have my mail.
While I emptied my pockets, my mother went to empty my father's pockets.
You going to work like that? I'm not going to work.
I'm going shopping.
Shopping? Julius, all I got is old lady clothes.
I got to get me some new, young stuff.
I got to get some new, young money.
Out on the street, we took a slow stroll while I brought Mr.
Levine up to speed.
Used to be an ice cream stand there.
Oh, that's where they sell crack now.
DEALER: This is the good stuff; gonna cost you more.
All right.
Got it all here? That's where Jerry and Becky Rosenthal got married.
Yeah, that's where Petey Pete got Tisha-T pregnant.
That's where Jacob Cohen got shot 30 years ago.
Oh, that's where that guy is about to get shot right now.
Eat lead! Okay.
Hey, everybody.
MONK: Hey, what's up, Chris? Man, who's this? Oh, this is Mr.
Levine.
Mr.
Levine, this is Kill Moves.
How you doing, Mr.
Levine? And Monk.
You bring me out of the house to meet a roomful of shvartzers? Okay, didn't expect him to say that.
Mr.
Levine learned to talk before language became politically correct, so now he had to deal with SWA: shvartzers with attitude.
Hey, man, watch your mouth.
You can't be saying that word unless you want to get your ass kicked by a room full of shvartzers.
Come on, Doc, why you saying that, man? Hey, what's that word mean anyway? It's Yiddish for "black.
" Oh! Monk, what's wrong with you? What is wrong with you? I'm sorry.
Hold on.
Doc Harris? Hm.
Stanley Levine.
Y'all know each other? DOC: Yeah.
This clown stole my girlfriend.
You used to be a clown? LEVINE: I didn't steal her.
you lost her.
When you stole her.
Chris, what you doing hanging with this guy anyway? I got trapped outside during the blackout and he let me hide in his house till it was over.
Did you see my woman in there? You should check his pockets.
I knew coming here was a bad idea.
Same words spoken by every white person in Bed-Stuy since 1964.
While I dealt with the crazy old man, Peaches dealt with a crazy young woman.
# I got the best, the most Baby, from coast to coast # # And I don't wanna boast 'Cause I love you, square biz # # I'm talkin' square biz To you, baby # # Square, square biz # So what you think? I think a leopard cub is missing his mommy.
(giggling) It's a'ight.
"A'ight"? I thought you knew what was going on.
This is what's happening now.
If you're a leopard.
Who told you that? This girl I met at the mall named Kiki.
I mean, we're about the same age, we like the same things, we have the same interests.
She's 40 and likes to yell at people too? Mm-hm.
How old is she? Twenty-nine.
Twenty-nine? You have bras older than that.
Gerald Ford was still president when you were 29.
When you were 29, Captain and Tennile was still at the top of the charts.
When you was 29, Generalissimo Francisco Franco still had a country-- Okay, okay, okay.
--when you was 29.
I'm not 29.
Rochelle, I can't believe you're gonna hang out with a girl like that.
Got you all out in clubs and stuff.
Yeah.
Next thing you know, You be posing for Jet "Beauty of the Week.
" The special "Slight Tummy" edition.
Everybody looking at you, knowing all your business.
Your hobbies and your signs and stuff.
Peaches, okay, I understand that you are trying to look out for me, but I'm just trying to have some fun.
You are a married woman.
You ain't got no business having fun.
Peaches, I don't care what you say, all right? Age is just a state of mind.
(scoffs) Okay, well, it's not my fault you feel old.
Just 'cause you acting crazy now, I'm old? Oh, you know what, go to the club then.
Bye.
Bye.
Spush.
I'm going.
Spush.
Spush to you.
Back at school, Greg was doing more wardrobe changes than Beyonce in concert.
Janet Jackson? You're dressed like Janet Jackson? Almost as weird as dressing like Michael.
I'm in control.
You're in a woman suit.
And that wasn't the last time.
While Greg was at an all-time high, Mr.
Levine hit an all-time low.
Stan, your door's open.
Doc, call an ambulance.
What did you do? I didn't do anything.
I just got here and I found him like this.
The last guy that said that ended up in a slow-speed Bronco chase on the way to Mexico.
The only thing scarier than a man almost dying is being the one that almost killed him.
I thought walking and meeting people would be good for him.
I didn't know he had a weak heart.
He's old, Chris.
Everything on him is weak.
What were you thinking? You got him out running around like he's Carl Lewis or something.
He forgot four prescriptions.
He got pills to take for everything.
From his heart beating to blinking his eyes.
He's even got a pill to help him remember to take his pills.
You think he'll be okay? At this age, you can get over anything with a good nap.
While my mother was getting ready for her night out, my father was worried about eating in.
Hi, Peaches.
Hi, Julius.
What is this? A TV dinner.
It looked better on TV.
How come you didn't cook? Because I needed to get my outfit together.
She needs to get her head together.
What's that? It's what the young people are wearing these days.
Is this what the young people are eating these days? Julius, look, I promise, before I go out tomorrow I'll cook for you, okay? Now, baby, just go.
Bye, Peaches.
Bye, Julius.
Rochelle, I don't like what's happening to you.
You're dressing like a teenager, wearing wigs.
You just look ridiculous.
Nothing is happening to me, okay? I'm just going out to a few clubs with Kiki.
You ever wonder why Kiki want to hang with someone your age? Don't you start with that 29 thing again.
Girl, you know what, you ever have a fat friend? A fat friend? Yeah, girl, you hang out with her so everybody else pay attention to you.
So? So you're Kiki's fat friend.
Aw, pick up and fetch, you know it's true.
Peaches, you take that back! Look, Rochelle, you may not want to accept it, but you look like the girl's mother.
I know, you know it, and she know it.
I do not! All right, fine.
Believe what you want, but don't say I didn't tell you so.
That's what I'm talking, baby.
# Square biz # # Square biz # While my mother went out with a young woman, Mr.
Levine got a visit from one.
I'm sorry, I think you've got the wrong room.
That's Stan Levine, right? Yeah.
Then this is the right room.
Who are you? I'm Chris.
Chris? Oh, you're the one that almost killed him.
I was just trying to take him out for a walk.
That almost killed him.
Who are you anyway? I'm Lisa Levine, his daughter.
His daughter? But you're black.
Depends on who you ask.
You're black.
Are you his kid too? No.
How about Angelina Jolie's? I'm sorry.
Look, I was just trying to get him out of the house.
It's not your fault.
He shouldn't be living alone at his age, anyway.
Listen, I don't really know this neighborhood.
You think you can show me where his apartment is? I need to pack up his things so I can take him back to Vegas.
You're taking him to Las Vegas? I have to.
I can't be running back here every time he forgets to take a pill.
I'm going to put him in a retirement home.
Hope it's segregated.
I'll be right back.
I got to talk to his doctors.
LEVINE: Hey, kid.
Is she gone? Yeah.
How you feeling? Like you almost killed me.
(sighs) Hey, how come you have a black daughter? You remember when Doc said I stole his girlfriend? Let's just say it was an inside job.
Okay, can't do the joke I was thinking.
She wants to take you to Vegas.
I heard.
Now you see why I don't come out of the house.
All I did was open my door, try to save your life, and you try to kill me.
Now she's trying to stick me in a home.
Next time you want to do me a favor, do me a favor: don't.
While Mr.
Levine was heading out, my mother was trying to get in.
Kiki, what's happening, baby? (laughing): You.
Ow, ow.
Whoa.
Why don't you wait here while things clear out a little bit? Oh, no, no, you don't understand, I-I'm with her.
Kiki, you didn't tell me you were bringing your mother.
How you doing, mama? Come on in.
I am not her mother.
N-No, that's my friend Rochelle.
Oh, hey, I thought it was your mother.
Why don't you chill out here for a minute and wait here while things, uh, thin out? Kiki! Kiki! You just gonna leave me out here? I'll see you inside.
It won't be too long.
Moves.
How you doing, Moves? Good to see you, brother.
It was ladies' night, not oldladies' night.
While my mother was left hanging, Mr.
Levine got sent packing.
So you're really sending him to the old folks' home? I could sell his stuff, put him on the street, and buy a car.
What type of car? A used one.
He doesn't have that much stuff.
He's lived here his entire life and you're just gonna move him? What about his friends? He doesn't have any.
What about his memories? He's old, he'll forget 'em.
You want somebody to move you? If somebody tried to kill me, yeah.
So that's it? I got to do what I got to do.
Maybe I should try to kill her.
He said I looked like her mother.
You're not old.
Yes, I am.
I got kicked out of the club.
Technically, they just didn't let you in.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
I was too old to make it through the door.
Baby, forget those young girls.
They wish they had what you have, and as long as I'm your doorman, you got a lifelong VIP pass to a one-woman club.
That is the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.
Three weeks later, my mother found the greeting card he stole it off of and refused to talk to him for the next month.
While my mother was going back to her old self, Doc got a taste of his past.
How's your mama? Not thinking about you.
She's fine.
Fine, not thinking about you.
You look just like her.
And you look like she ain't thinking about you.
Tell her I said, "Hey.
" Will do.
You leaving? Yeah.
Well, where's your dad? He's staying.
For real? We talked about it, and you were right, Chris.
He's lived here his whole life.
I'm not going to move him just to make it easier for me.
He wouldn't go, would he? No.
Hm.
I'm getting him a day nurse.
Because "night nurse" is a whole other job.
Don't worry, we'll keep an eye on him.
Thank you.
Back at school, Greg had officially lost his mind.
Yes.
Hey, Chris-and-Greg.
Hey.
Whoa.
It happens to you too.
What does? They call you Chris-and-Greg even if I'm not here.
Yeah, that's who we are.
We're Chris and Greg.
Oh, this is great.
I thought I was the only one who didn't have a personality of his own, but you don't either.
Yay! We both suck! Sorry, Gerard, looks like I won't be needing you anymore.
Gerard? After his daughter left, for the first time, I saw Mr.
Levine out on the streets, but with everything that happened, I figured it was best to leave him alone until I didn't have a choice.
(indistinct shouting) (gunfire) Mr.
Levine, it's me, Chris, let me in.
Let me in.
(yells) Hey, hey, hey.
Last time I let you in, I went to the hospital, almost got shipped to the farm, you did me a favor-- I saw my daughter, me and Doc patched it up.
You happy? Now, beat it.
And with that, Mr.
Levine taught me everything I needed to know about white people.
(gunfire and shouting continue) # Everybody hates Chris # # Ah, make it funky now #