Frasier s04e11 Episode Script

DAPHNE: Well, I'm off to get our lunch.
Any special requests? - No, anything you pick up will be fine.
- Okay, then.
Back in a bit.
She is such a doll.
You are such a doll.
- I thought she'd never leave.
- I know.
- It's nice to have time alone finally.
- Come here, you.
Hey, you, get your own! No, go on.
Now, get away.
Come on.
- Hey, come with me.
Come on, Eddie.
- Go on.
Go on.
MARTIN: There you go.
Seat's already up for you.
It's happy hour.
Bye.
- Now, where were we? - Oh, come here, you little devil, you.
DAPHNE: Look who was just coming home with take-out from the gourmet shop.
- Oh, isn't that lucky? SHERRY: Hey, boys.
My, don't you look handsome in your best bib and tucker.
Come on and give Aunt Sherry a great big kiss.
Or perhaps just a friendly wave from across the room.
Niles, you are so shy.
Thank God your big brother isn't.
Come on, Fras, plant one on me.
There you are.
Has Eddie been licking you? - Yes.
- Yes, I thought your perfume had a hint of Snausage in it.
SHERRY: So you two have been shopping.
Well, "antique-ing" actually.
I just found the most exquisite Japanese doorknocker.
It's said to bring peace and tranquillity to any home it adorns.
I haven't seen any decent Oriental knockers since Empress Chow's Shanghai Revue.
Isn't she great? She's as funny as she is classy.
No argument there.
Oh, by the way, if you want someone to install that for you, I can put you in touch with my ex-houseman, Ghi.
- Ghi? - No, Ghi.
- Ghi? - No, no.
Back of the throat.
Ghi.
Oh, what's the difference? I'm not so helpless that I cannot install a simple doorknocker on my own.
You might want to use the screwdriver.
That's exactly what I was about to get.
It's in the tool drawer.
The drawer under that big tea server thing.
Dad, that is a Byelorussian samovar.
By God, how long have you lived here? Here we are.
Lunch is ready.
Actually, I just remembered, I've got an errand I gotta run before I get to work.
Goodbye, Niles.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna kiss you.
I know it embarrasses you.
Wait, come here.
You got some schmutz on your cheek.
My mistake, it's a mole.
You might wanna have that checked.
Oh, I think now I'll just play it safe and have it removed.
Oh, Daphne, apparently this morning when you were dusting, you forgot This objet does not face front, but rather, askew.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Dr Crane.
I should never have tried to do it without that diagram you drew me.
Frasier, now that I know you like antiques, I've got a little present at home for you.
It's a lamp shaped like two frogs kissing.
And when you turn it on, their hearts glow.
When would you like me to bring it by? Preferably when I'm here.
I'll bring it with me tomorrow.
Bye-bye.
Daphne, would you bring me that hammer? I thought you just needed a screwdriver.
Well, I do.
I just wanna be prepared when that froggy lamp gets here.
- See you later, honey.
I'll call you.
- Okay, bye.
- Oh, hi there, Mrs Langer.
- Ms.
Oh, right, Mis erable old cow.
- Tonight's your opera night, isn't it? - Yes.
Why? Well, I was wondering.
I'd love to cook a nice romantic dinner for Sherry, but I can't do it at her place because I'm allergic to her cats, and there's just no privacy around here.
Say no more, Dad.
My bachelor pad is the perfect place to entertain a young lady.
Just remember: Always use coasters, no snacking in the carpeted areas, and close the art books after viewing so you don't crease the spine.
I believe they have the same rules at the Playboy Mansion.
Well, there we are.
That's that, huh? That's not so hard.
Tomorrow, I may just have to tackle that leaky sink in the powder room.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a joke.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
The inaugural knock.
Oh, what's this? "Your unauthorized doorknocker violates the condo by-laws regarding hallway decoration.
Remove it immediately.
" That's one of Mrs Langer's "no-no" slips.
I can't stand that woman.
Just because she's president of the condo board, she acts like this building's her kingdom.
Everything has to be done exactly the way she likes it.
Yes, well, Daphne, no one hates a bossy fuss-budget more than I do, but, Daphne Askew, askew! Don't you see? But rules are there for a reason.
I was obviously at fault for not getting approval before I hung it up there.
I did notice a sign in the lobby about some condo board meeting tonight if you want to present your case.
Perfect.
We live in a democratic system, and I will work within it.
I'm sure I can persuade them with my charm and eloquence.
I don't know.
Those people can be very difficult.
Pish-tosh.
It's not as though I'll be addressing the Supreme Court.
I'll simply be talking to the board.
Well, they will be by the time he gets through.
LANGER: After careful consideration of the bids from a number of gardeners, we have decided to go with Jordan Landscaping.
Excuse me.
I'm not too late, am I? I was hoping to make a statement.
Me too.
No, they'll be getting to new business shortly.
Good, good.
I have a matter of some import to discuss.
Well, then you should go before me.
Oh, thank you.
Why are you here? To ask them to make the ramp out front less steep so I don't keep rolling into traffic.
How about you? Oh, well Perhaps you should go first.
LANGER: Is that Frasier Crane talking while I'm talking? Well, yes.
I'm sorry, Ms Langer.
I was just inquiring as to whether I was too late to raise some new business.
LANGER: Well, we were just about to get to that.
Why don't you go ahead? I'll be quick.
Earlier today, I installed a doorknocker without your permission.
Now, I'd like to say in my defence that my overeagerness was not out of disrespect but enthusiasm for an object which, I'm sure you will agree, is really quite beautiful.
I understand the rule exists to prohibit people from putting eyesores in public places, but I ask you, should it apply to something as beautiful as this? Here, if you will.
Please.
Something, which serves only to elevate our spirits.
Let's just say that someone passes by my door, sees the knocker, and suddenly feels just a little bit better, without even knowing why.
That same person passes a perfect stranger and smiles, who in turn reaches down, picks up, perhaps, a piece of trash, plants a garden, volunteers at a soup kitchen.
Like little ripples on a still pond, the happiness spreads.
So, what I'm asking you to do is think of this not simply as an ornament, but rather an opportunity.
Dare I say it, knocking on a door of a new, more civilized world.
Thank you.
- Allow us just a moment.
FRASIER: Of course.
Request denied.
You must remove the knocker within 24 hours, despite the consequences to world peace.
Yes, well, I appreciate your Are you still talking? - Your request is denied! Sit down! - But there's been no discussion.
It hasn't even been opened up to the floor.
I will entertain suggestions from the floor if anyone has any idea how to shut this man up! I came down here expecting a fair hearing in the democratic tradition.
But I see now that you are a tyrant, concerned more with the exercise of power than with justice.
Well, fine, I will leave now, taking solace in the certain knowledge that, in time, you, Ms Langer, will join all tyrants on the ash heap of history! I'm not here.
Pardon me.
Oh, dear.
I'll just get those later.
MAN: Dr Crane.
- Yes.
Who's there? - A friend.
Keep your distance.
- Well, why can't I see you? - That's not important right now.
What's important is that you were not afraid to go up against Ms Langer last night.
- Without much success.
- More than you know.
Most people in the building are afraid of her.
There is a group of us who fight her, though, a small, but determined band of resisters.
You know the new doormat by the service elevator? We did that.
It's very nice.
We would like you to be our candidate and go up against her in the upcoming elections.
I'm flattered, but I have a great many demands You are our only chance, Dr Crane.
And she must be defeated.
She is evil.
Nichols, in 1704, was two days late with his condo fee, and she lowered the water pressure in his shower.
Eventually, he died.
From bad water pressure? No, I think it was a hunting accident.
But he spent his last months on this earth unable to get all the conditioner out of his hair.
Only you possess the charisma and courage to defeat her.
Well, that may be, but I am not asking you to decide right now.
I just want you to say you'll think about it.
All right.
But why can't I see who you are? Because I'm remodelling my bathroom.
If she found out I was talking to you, she would never approve my bidet.
Just think of me as "Mr X.
" That would work better without the vanity plates, Dr Dorfman.
NILES: Frasier, wait.
- Oh, hello, Niles.
The most extraordinary thing happened to me in the garage.
- Excuse me.
Is Dad home now? - Yes, as far as I know.
- Oh, I was afraid of that.
- Why? Is something wrong? Well, last night I invited Dad to use my apartment for a quiet, romantic dinner with Sherry while I attended La Traviata.
Well, the production was just dreadful.
In "Ah, fors'e lui" the soprano couldn't hit the E flat above high C.
So I got so fed up, I stormed out, drove home, entered my apartment, and when I saw what Dad and Sherry were doing there, I hit the note myself.
- You mean they were? - They were.
What did you do? Pulled up a chaise longue and took out my opera glasses.
What do you think I did? I slammed the door and ran away.
I've never been so embarrassed.
I don't think I can face him now.
You simply have to diffuse the entire subject with a simple adult conversation.
I don't wanna recreate what happened to Maris and me after the cabin incident, when I walked in on her taking a shower.
Oh, God.
Months of avoidance and awkwardness.
Excuse me.
You saw my Maris completely naked? Don't fret.
It was nothing more than a fleeting glance in a very steamy bathroom.
More like glimpsing a bird sapling through a thick fog.
Life is so unfair.
You get a vision of my Maris, I get a big eyeful of Dad.
Well, I'd say we hit about the same level on the "yikes" meter.
Oh, Roz, you're here.
Is that your apology for making me work on Saturday - and then getting here late? - I was detained.
Roz, the most extraordinary thing happened.
I was in the parking garage.
Suddenly, I was blinded by a set of headlights.
A mysterious man crept from the shadows and told me that I should run for condo board president.
You've been at your wine club, haven't you? No.
This really happened.
Surely, you're not actually thinking of running.
You've never held an elected office in your life.
You're forgetting? I served two terms back in high school as Grand Panjandrum of the Vocabulary Club.
Listen, Frasier, this job is a nightmare.
Trust me, I know.
Like, if somebody wants a garbage disposal, they'll bug you day and night.
They'll leave kitchen scraps in your mailbox until they get what they want.
You've served on a condo board? No, but I have a brand-new garbage disposal.
- Hello, all.
FRASIER: Daphne.
- Let me help you with those.
DAPHNE: Oh, thanks.
I've had to lug these things five blocks.
This morning, Mrs Langer gave me one of those "no-no" slips for parking in the same vacant space I've been using for years.
Oh, I'm sorry, Daphne.
I'm afraid this is my fault.
Ms Langer is simply retaliating against me.
You see, last night, I rather humiliated her in a dazzling display of rhetoric.
I heard you spilled your briefcase all over the floor.
This building has a grapevine Ernest and Julio Gallo would envy! Well, you know, perhaps I should run against Ms Langer.
God knows she's ripe for a good comeuppance.
I know exactly what you mean, Dr Crane.
I was standing behind her in the elevator the other day, looking at the back of her head, and I thought: "You know, several stout whacks with a tire iron and this building will be a much happier place.
" I'll just get these bags off to the kitchen.
Frasier, this Langer woman sounds if she wields considerable power.
What if you run against her and lose? I'm with Niles.
Let somebody else do it.
What an appalling expression of apathy! What kind of a world would this be if everyone thought that way? Everyone does think that way.
And look at the kind of world it is! Corruption in high places.
An electorate unconcerned with real issues because they're too consumed with their own pleasures.
- Is this eclair spoken for? - It's mine.
Put it back! Roz, don't you see? For it is if you're not willing to get involved, then you have no right to grumble when things don't go your way.
Look at this.
I got two slips for not taking Eddie on the freight elevator.
It's ridiculous.
Everybody uses the main elevator.
Mrs Tornquist has her dog, Fluffy, in there all the time.
Well, that's it.
I am running for condo board president.
A time comes in every man's life when he must meet face to face a challenge, rather than skitter away like a coward.
Well, I'm proud of you, son.
That's the way a Crane talks.
Oh, Dad, nice seeing you.
I mean, not DAPHNE: Okay, Eddie.
Now.
Good boy, Eddie.
Now, go make dinner.
It's just a little joke Eddie and I have been working on.
It's too bad.
It explained so much.
- What is this, another one? - Oh, yes.
Seems your father got it last night.
I guess he's just refusing to take Eddie in the freight elevator.
Of course, all that'll be different once you're elected.
We don't wanna jinx it.
But I must say, I think my chances are good after this missive I found this morning on my windshield.
It's from the resistance.
"Dear Dr Crane.
We have polled the building, the election is yours.
Good work.
" Signed, "Anonymous.
" Wouldn't this be more anonymous if it didn't say: "From the desk of Dr William M.
Dorfman"? Yes.
Well, now you see why they need me.
My comfortable lead aside, I still wish I had a punchier opening for the speech I wrote.
Well, I'm running out of time.
Unless Yes.
I think Ms Langer may have given me the very ammunition I need for my opening salvo.
We'll just see how the voters feel about a woman who tries to persecute a disabled ex-policeman and his loyal little dog.
It'll be nice to live where people can hang whatever they damn well please on their door.
Of course.
Well, pending my approval.
- Is he gone? DAPHNE: Yes.
- You're not avoiding him, are you? - Well, yeah, kind of.
I mean, it's pretty embarrassing about getting caught last night in that hot tub.
The whole building's talking about it.
- What happened? - You haven't heard? No.
- Well, never mind.
- No, no, no.
What? Well, after dinner last night, my hip was getting kind of stiff, so I went down to the hot tub.
You know how it is when you kick on the jets and your trunks fill up - like a hot-air balloon.
- No, but go on.
Well, nobody's around, so I just slipped out of them and tossed them on the deck.
- You mean, you were? - Yeah, just floating free.
So I'm just sitting there, minding my own business and letting the bubbles do their work, and suddenly, old lady Langer shows up.
She sees my trunks and writes me out a "no-no" slip right there and then.
You mean the "no-no" slip was for being naked in the hot tub? Yeah.
I told Dr Crane it was because you took Eddie in the elevator.
Oh, dear.
I've got to get down - to that condo meeting.
- Why? I don't know what's going on down there, but suddenly I have a very queasy feeling.
Just what Ms Langer said when she tossed me my trunks.
And so you can vote for me, a person who has worked this past year to keep this building running smoothly, or you can turn the building over to a man who can scarcely keep his own family under control.
Thank you.
Fellow condo owners, I am sorry my opponent has chosen to be vindictive about my family, but that is merely characteristic of her behaviour during her entire term in office.
How else would one explain this? This citation my father received last night is a perfect example of the pettiness of which this woman is capable.
We're all aware of your father's behaviour last night.
I'm surprised you're not too ashamed to bring it up.
Ashamed? Not at all.
I defend his behaviour! So he had his little friend out where he shouldn't be.
So what? He's been doing it for years.
You approve of his behaviour? Approve? I applaud it.
Have you no compassion? My father is getting older.
He hasn't many pleasures left in life.
I can't tell you the hours of joy that that little guy has brought him.
And not just him.
Who among us can't help but break into a smile upon seeing the little fella? Oh, I know, you know, sometimes it is irksome when his little Eddie appears at inopportune moments He's named it "Eddie"? Not exactly a name that I might have chosen.
I might have gone with something a bit more, I don't know, whimsical, like Oh, "Puck.
" You know, the frolicsome sprite from Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream.
Oh, don't look so shocked.
Whom does it really harm if he unleashes Eddie once in a while? It's not as though he's alone in such behaviour.
Mrs Tornquist, I've seen you do the same thing with your Fluffy.
You know, if you ask me, not only is his behaviour harmless, it's laudable.
Why, you should see the looks on the faces of the school children when he takes Eddie out by the playground.
What, what, what? On the other hand, we all need rules.
Go, go, go! Sorry about the knocker.