Seinfeld s04e11 Episode Script

Don't visualize your parents having sex.
You know what I mean? It's somehow very uncomfortable.
You know they had to have sex at least once to have you.
But you still kind of maintain the image in your head: "Well, I don't know.
I'm not positive.
I can't prove it.
I don't know if that actually happened.
" That's why if I found I was adopted, that would come as great news.
"I'm adopted? That's great.
" I'd be happy to hear that.
That means technically it's possible, that my mother and father are just really great friends.
Sex is great, but you don't wanna think your whole life began because somebody had a little too much wine with dinner.
Let me ask you a question.
You're a hostage captured by terrorists.
- Who, me? - You, anybody.
Whatever.
You're in the little room.
You're chained to the floor.
You're there for a long time.
Do you think they would consider doing laundry? They have to.
It's in the Geneva Convention.
You.
Take off your socks and pants.
We're doing the wash.
Come on.
Take it off.
Take it off.
- Hey, Georgie.
- Hi.
What's the matter? My mother caught me.
Caught you? Doing what? You know.
I was alone You mean? - She caught you? - Where? I stopped by the house to drop the car off and I went inside for a few minutes.
Nobody was there.
They're supposed to be working.
My mother had a Glamour magazine.
I started leafing through it.
Glamour? - So one thing led to another.
- What did she do? First she screams, "George, what are you doing? My God!" Looked like she was gonna faint.
She started clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it.
I didn't know whether to keep her from falling or zip up.
- What did you do? - I zipped up.
- So she fell? - Yeah.
Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was.
- No, I guess you couldn't.
- I wouldn't think so.
So she fell, and then she starts screaming, "My back, my back!" I picked her up.
I took her to the hospital.
- How is she? - She's in traction.
- I'm sorry.
- It's not funny, Elaine.
I know.
I'm sorry.
It's serious.
Her back went out.
She's gotta be there for a couple of days.
All she said on the way over in the car was, "Why, George, why?" I said, "Because it's there.
" Glamour? I'll tell you this, though: I am never doing that again.
What? You mean in your mother's house or altogether? - Altogether.
- Give me a break.
Yeah, right.
- You don't think I can? - No chance.
- You think you could? - I could hold out longer than you.
Care to make it interesting? Sure.
How much? Hundred dollars? You're on.
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
Count me in on this.
You? You'll be out before we get the check.
I want in on this.
- No, no.
- It's apples and oranges.
- It's different.
- Why? Why? - Because you're a woman.
- So what? It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man.
We have to do it.
It's part of our lifestyle.
It's like shaving.
That is such baloney.
I shave my legs.
Not every day.
- You wanna be in? - Yeah.
You gotta give us odds.
At least 2-1.
You gotta put up $200.
No.
A thousand.
No.
I'll put up 150.
- All right.
You're in for 150.
- Okay, 150.
How we gonna monitor this? Obviously, we all know each other very well.
I'm sure we'll all feel comfortable within the confines of the honor system.
All right.
Come on.
No, Ma.
I'm not gonna see a psychiatrist.
I don't care if you do pay for it.
No.
Discussion over.
Yeah, all right.
I'll see you later.
Yes, of course I'm gonna come by.
All right.
My mother wants me to see a psychiatrist now.
Why? Because she caught me? You know, if everyone who did that had to go see a psychiatrist Yeah? Whatever.
- How is she? - She'll be fine.
I gotta go see her at the hospital.
- Yeah? - It's me.
Come on up.
- Hey, what are you doing tonight? - Date with Marla.
- Oh, the virgin? - Yeah.
Any progress there? What's the latest? I got my troops amassed along the border.
I'm waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.
Hey, look at this.
Come here.
There's a naked woman across the street.
Where? Second floor from the top.
See the window on the left? Who walks around the house like that? Maybe she's a nudist.
You know those nudist-colony people.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Let me ask you, in these nudist colonies do they eat naked in the dining room? I would imagine it's all naked.
Are the chambermaids naked too? They're naked.
The gardener's naked.
Bellhops.
It's one big nude-o-rama.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Well, where's my money? Who caved? - Not me.
- Not me.
- What are you looking at? - A naked woman across the street.
This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life.
My friend Joyce is teaching an aerobics class.
I'm gonna go tonight.
Yeah, well, the waitress should've taken it back.
Then, I got a call this morning.
I was chosen to go on the space shuttle.
- We're going to Mars.
- Have a good time.
I'm out.
What? Yeah, I'm out.
I'm out of the contest.
- You're out? - Yeah.
Wow, that was fast.
Well, it was that woman across the street.
You know, you better be careful, buddy.
She'll get you next.
And then there were three.
I don't understand you.
I really don't.
You have nothing better to do at 3:00 in the afternoon? I go out for a quart of milk.
I come home and find my son treating his body like it was an amusement park.
Ma Don't give me "Ma.
" It's good I didn't hit the table.
I could have cracked my head open.
People can hear you.
Too bad you can't do that for a living.
You'd be very successful at it.
You could sell out Madison Square Garden.
Thousands of people could watch you.
You could be a big star.
All right.
That's enough.
I want you to go see a psychiatrist.
No! I am not going to see a psychiatrist! - Why not? Why won't you go? - Because I don't want to.
- I want you to go see somebody.
- Well, I am not going.
It's a good thing your father's in Chicago.
Hello, Aunt Estelle.
Look at you.
- How did this happen? - Is that important, really? What is this, a police investigation? She's been through enough.
She has to relive the experience? Hi, Denise.
6:30, time for your sponge bath.
Is it 6:30 already? I fell asleep.
So, George what are you doing now? I hear you got some kind of television writing thing.
Yeah.
Television.
Let me help you off with that.
Here, just slip it over your head.
Well, it's about time.
We thought you were gonna wind up on the street.
So what is it you're doing, exactly? George, your cousin Shelly is talking to you! So when was the last time you took a class? - It's been a while.
- Are you psyched? Yeah.
I'm really psyched.
You're gonna thank me for getting you in here.
- Why is that? - See the guy with the dark hair and the red shorts? Oh, my God.
John F.
Kennedy Jr.
is here.
- He's gonna be in your class today.
- In my class? John Kennedy's gonna be in my class? I can get you a spot right behind him.
He has got a great butt.
Yeah.
Butt, butt.
Great butt.
John-John's butt.
- Let's slow it down a little.
- Slow it down? Well, you know.
Yeah.
I know.
You're okay with that, right? Yeah.
Yeah.
Of course.
You think I care about the sex? What kind of person do you think I am? That doesn't mean anything to me.
I don't care about that.
I'll see you Saturday night, then? Sure.
Saturday night.
- All right, then.
Good night.
- Good night.
Not just a good night.
A great night.
Good morning.
Yeah, good morning.
Nothing like some good, solid sack-time.
She's not there.
She's doing her wash.
So did you make it through the night? Yes, I'm proud to say I did.
So you're still master of your domain.
Yes.
Yes, I am.
Master of my domain.
But I will tell you this: I am going over to her apartment and I'm telling her to put those shades down.
Wait.
What did you just say? I can't take it anymore.
She's driving me crazy.
I can't sleep.
I can't leave the house.
I'm climbing walls.
I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest.
Something's gotta give.
Do you hear what you're saying? Can you hear it? This is a beautiful woman walking around naked and you wanna tell her to stop? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! It's incomprehensible I won't let you.
- I'm doing it.
Get out of my way.
- No, no.
You can't.
This is something that comes about once in a lifetime.
When we were boys looking through our windows we'd think, "Why can't a woman out there take her clothes off?" Now that wish has come true, and you wanna throw it away? - I'm sorry.
- I'm not gonna let you do it.
- Kramer, get out of my way.
- Don't do it.
For my sake.
God knows, I don't ask you for much.
Please, Jerry.
I'm begging you.
Please! Come on! Please! - All right, all right.
- Yes! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
She's not there.
Oh, I can wait.
The nurse was giving her a sponge bath? Every night at 6:30.
The nurse was gorgeous.
Then I got a look at the patient.
I was going nuts.
I guess you'll be going back to that hospital.
Well, my mother, Jerry.
But are you still master of your domain? I am king of the county.
- You? - Lord of the manor.
John F.
Kennedy Jr.
What? He was in my aerobics class.
Really? Did you talk to him? No, you don't understand.
He was working out in front of me.
After the class was over, I timed my walk to the door so we'd get there at the exact same moment.
And he says to me, "Quite a workout.
" "Quite a workout"? - What did you say? - I said, "Yeah.
" Good one.
Listen, listen.
Then I showered, and I dressed and I saw him again on the way out.
So we're walking and talking, and he asked me my name and I think I said Elaine, but I mean, who the hell knows? So then he says to me: "Do you wanna split a cab uptown?" And I said, "Sure," even though I was going downtown.
So we get in the cab, and I mean, I have no idea where I'm going, right? But this is John F.
Kennedy Jr.
we're talking about.
So he says, "Where do you live?" I was close to your block, so I said your building.
He dropped me off in front and then I had to take a cab all the way back downtown to my house.
Oh, God.
The question is are you still master of your domain? I'm queen of the castle.
You're back.
Of course I'm back.
Why wouldn't I be back? My mother is in the hospital.
I'm gonna pay her a visit.
I know, but two days in a row? You didn't have to do this.
You're my mother.
What wouldn't I do for you? You know what you could do? I haven't eaten lunch or dinner.
I can't eat this hospital food.
Maybe you could run down to the deli and get me a sandwich.
You got it, Ma.
A little later.
Could you go now, Georgie? I'm very hungry.
I'm weak.
Wait a while.
What's the difference? I don't understand why you can't do this for me! I just got here, Ma.
I'd like to spend a little time with you.
But if you wait, they won't let you back in! Visiting hours are almost over! Ten minutes.
Here.
Have some Tic Tacs.
Get the hell out of here.
I'm sorry you came.
George.
I'm hungry.
Hang on, Ma.
Hang on.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Did you get your hair done today? No, I just fixed it a little bit.
You-know-who isn't here.
He was in the early class today, but I think you made quite an impression on him yesterday.
What? What? Who? Me? - What impression? - Let me put this back.
No, no, now! Tell me now! What did he say? - He asked about you.
- He asked about me? John Kennedy asked about me? What did he say? He wanted to know your situation.
- What? I have a situation? - I said you were single.
- That was good.
That was very good.
- He said you were just his type.
Okay.
You're trying to hurt me? You're trying to injure me? He told me to tell you he'll be in your neighborhood tomorrow around 9:00.
He'll stop in front of your building if you wanna come down and say hello.
All right, Ma.
I'll talk to you later.
Nothing.
I'm watching Tiny Toons here on Nickelodeon.
I like kids' shows.
They have a very innocent, wholesome quality.
Okay.
All right, talk to you later.
Bye.
Yeah, that's good.
That's good.
That's very, very good.
It's hot in there, so just walk around.
Yeah.
Don't be ashamed.
Don't be ashamed.
That's good.
Yes, yes, yes.
The woman across the block Has nothing on Nothing on, nothing on The woman across the block Has nothing on, nothing on All through the day All you got is instant coffee? Why don't you get some real coffee? I don't keep real coffee here.
I get my coffee on the outside.
Yeah! - It's Elaine.
- Come on up! - Where did you get those socks? - I don't know.
- I think those are my socks.
- How are these your socks? I don't know, but those are my socks.
I had a blue-striped pair just like that, and now I don't have them anymore.
Yeah, you fell asleep on the sofa, and I took them off your stinking feet! They looked so good, I had to have them! - Well, they're my socks! - They're my socks! - Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
- What are we doing here? - This is ridiculous.
- You believe this? We're fighting.
I haven't been myself.
I've snapped at everybody.
I'm yelling at strangers on the street.
Hello.
You caved? - It's over? - You're out? Oh, my God.
The queen is dead.
I figured you'd cruise, at least through the spring.
- What happened? - It was John-John.
- John-John.
- John-John.
But you made it through the day before.
But he told Joyce that he wants to meet me outside here at 9:00 tonight.
- Why outside here? - Because he thinks I live here.
Remember the cab? He dropped me off out front.
He's picking me up.
All right, Costanza it's you and me.
And then, there were two.
Elaine Benes Kennedy Jr.
Let's go in the bedroom.
- Really? - Yes.
- You sure? - Yes.
- You really want to? - I do.
I'm ready.
Okay.
I know how difficult this must have been for you.
You don't know the half of it.
- What do you mean? - It's kind of silly, but Contest? A contest? This is what you do with your friends? It was just a bet.
It actually started with George and his mother.
I don't wanna hear another word! To think how close I came to you being the one! I must have been out of my mind.
Marla.
Hi.
I'm glad I ran into you.
I don't wanna have anything to do with you or your perverted friends.
Get away from me.
You're horrible, horrible.
All of you.
- What happened? - I told her about the contest.
Boy.
She's a wacko.
- Hey, what happened? - What? - You were meeting Kennedy.
- He didn't show.
Yeah, he did.
What? He's out there? - Oh, my God.
I gotta go.
- No, no, he just left.
- What? - He was talking to Marla.
Marla? She was, like, crying.
He was consoling her.
She got into his car, and they just drove away.
- He left with Marla, the virgin? - Yeah.
- They drove away? - Yeah, drove away.
- You know, I said hello to him.
He's - Oh, my God in heaven.
Is that? Kramer? He's waving.
Oh, John that was wonderful.
Men wanna see women naked.
Whatever it is you won't show us that's what we're obsessed with seeing.
If women always wore hats in public, all the time you'd see men buying Playhead magazine you know, Skulls of the Big 10.
This would be what we're interested in.
What about cultures, like in National Geographic where everybody is naked? What are men in these cultures trying to look at when the women walk by? How could you have a strip club there? Woman takes off the necklace and the nose ring, that's it, show's over.
The men are going, "Boy, did you see that little indentation in her lip? I told you, man, this place is hot!"