The Middle s04e11 Episode Script

High school is chock full of land mines.
But Axl had made it through his four years pretty much unscathed until the first day of the last semester of his senior year.
- Foster.
- Here.
Randall? Here.
- Heck.
- Here.
- Heck.
- Still here.
Uh, no, it says I have two Hecks in this class.
Well, that must be a typo, 'cause there's no other Heck except Sorry I'm late.
Axl! I didn't know we were in the same class.
Oh, my God.
This is my brother.
And another thing-- why are you always raising your hand and asking questions like a dork? Stare at the clock, and wait for the bell to ring like a normal person.
Excuse me if I like to participate.
What's going on? So I was sitting in my life skills class, minding my own business, when hurricane Sue rolls in, blowing geek and raining nerd everywhere! What are you even doing in that class? It's for freshmen and sophomores only, not loser seniors who missed it 'cause they were taking math two times.
Ha! It was English I took twice.
Who's the idiot now? Make her drop out.
It's not just me.
There's 30 innocent lives in there she's ruining.
Okay, clearly, you two shouldn't be in the same room ever.
Can't one of you switch to a different period or school or something? Look, I'd say try getting along, but I'd never keep a straight face.
Why don't you pretend you don't know each other? That was my plan, too, but Sue kept talking to me.
You pushed my desk into the hallway! You left me no choice! Enough.
The whole reason we send you to school is so we don't have to deal with you for seven hours a day.
Now go do your homework.
I don't have any.
Yes, we do.
See?! That's exactly what I'm talking about! Look, like it or not, life is full of stuff, and you just have to roll with it.
What was that we're supposed to do again? When the stuff happens? Meanwhile, Axl wasn't the only one with an unwanted guest in his class.
Have you been spying on me? Whoa.
Whoa.
Stop the interrogation.
I'll spill.
Here, have-- have a seat.
Hi.
I'm Dr.
Fulton, the school therapist.
Your social skills teacher gave me the heads up about this guy named Brick.
Look, if this is gonna turn into a whole thing, I'm gonna need cookies.
The nurse gives you cookies.
Can I be straight with you, Brick? You don't seem to have many friends.
And I get that.
You know, I didn't have a girlfriend until I was 30.
But this is no time to bring up Shelly.
- Let me cut to the chase.
- Please.
In all my observing, I don't think I once saw you having a conversation with another student.
Well, I don't know.
I'm pretty sure I said, "take one and pass it back.
" You know, making a connection is not as tough as you might think.
Have you watched the kids in the hall? They have this whole unspoken language of communication that helps them to link up.
Sometimes it can be something as small as just, like, a tiny head nod.
They also think it's fine to punch each other in the privates.
Well, that is always a classic.
But the good news is, I think I can teach you some strategies that might help you to score some amigos.
- Are you game for that? - Do I have a choice? No, you do not.
I think the best way to proceed would be to schedule our sessions during your library time.
What? No, not my library time.
You can't do that.
I know how this works.
You can't do anything without my parents' permission.
Oh, but, Brick I already have it.
Hello, mother.
Hello, father.
So now I need a therapist? Am I really that weird? Look, you're no weirder than you've ever been, it's just that suddenly, the school seems to care.
Don't you think that's something we should talk about? What happened to "you're growing up, Brick," "we should include you in the conversations, Brick"? It's good for you, and it's free.
You're doing it.
It is free, right? Oh, yeah.
Checked twice.
Good, 'cause I finally got through to the insurance company.
Apparently they're backed up, and it's gonna be at least a week before they can process our claim.
What? A week with no windshield? This is not convertible weather, Mike.
What are we supposed to do? For your first life skills project, you will be assigned a career.
In addition to a 10-page written paper, you will create a resume and have visual aids for your presentation.
You will have two weeks to research and present your findings to the class.
Remember, my young professionals, the most important life skill of all-- have fun! We're gonna be doing this assignment in pairs, so why doesn't everyone go ahead? Find a partner.
And they said it couldn't be done.
Mega-shoelace.
So, is there anyone who still doesn't have a partner? Perfect.
You two are now a team.
No! Look, Axl, it's no picnic for me being your partner, either.
You don't think I would have rather been paired up with Spencer Hegman and his notorious attention to detail? I would.
But I got you instead.
So let's just try to make the best of it.
So do you have any ideas for the paper? - No.
- Resume? Negatory.
Food demonstration? Bleh.
Oh.
Axl, stop screwing around! Vijal Bawa and Connie Wong have already started.
- I know this for a fact! - Oh, my God.
School Sue is even more annoying than home Sue.
Would you just relax? We got two weeks.
Come find me in 13 1/2 days.
N-- Axl, you cannot wait till the night before! Sure I can.
That's what they want us to do.
What? It's true, Sue.
Teachers are lazy.
They know it only takes a day to do a project, but if they gave us assignments every day, they'd have to grade 'em every day.
They don't want it, we don't want it.
It's an unspoken agreement.
Who are you to mess with the American educational system? We're not number one in the world for nothing.
Suck it, China! That's why they gotta make all our stuff for us.
Okay, Brick.
Here's a little trick I like to call eye contact.
Try using those peepers and really opening yourself up to the other students, hmm? Another thought-- you like books.
Why don't you find some fellow book buddies and try to connect with them? So, what kind of story you looking for? Man versus man? Man versus nature? How about a nice epistolary novel? One surefire way of making friends? Finding something the other kids are into and gettin' on board with that program.
Hey, Brick.
Uh I thought today's assignment was playing tag.
I am.
I've achieved the highest level of tag.
I'm it.
You know, I went on kickinitteenstyle.
com and took the "rate your assignment partner" quiz, and you are a "severe collaboration limitation.
" With no due respect, I disagree.
I thought you might say something like that, so I also ranked you on the sibling scale, and guess what? You're a "bummer brother.
" So yeah.
Whatever.
This whole thing is lame.
Except kitchen floor hoops, which I just invented, and is totally awesome.
I know you fancy yourself some kind of rebel, Axl, but sometimes in life, you just have to follow the rules.
I put on sunscreen an hour before going outside.
I wait till the bus comes to a complete stop before standing.
You don't think I would love to fill up on bread? I would.
But that's not how the world works.
The rule of this project is that you and I take the allotted two weeks and do it together.
And that's just what we're gonna do, mister.
'Cause a "D" might fly in Ax Land, but it doesn't work in Sue City.
And not the one in Iowa.
The one right here.
So Sue was making about as much progress with Axl as we were with the insurance company.
But I was not gonna drive around without a windshield.
I just needed to be a little creative.
So I don't want to be it? Right.
But doesn't it have all the power? If you're it, you have to chase people.
Who says? If I'm it, don't I make all the decisions? It.
Okay.
I'm calling it on boredom.
- Night.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Not so fast.
It's your turn to do the dishes.
Oh.
Right.
Oh, wish I could, but I can't.
Got a really big project tomorrow, so I'm just gonna go watch a few hours of TV to get the brain fired up and then get started.
Don't bother.
It's already done and tied up and stuffed in a bag by the door.
As should you be for your lackluster effort.
Wait.
Wasn't this project both of yours? - Yes.
- Yes.
But I guess she went ahead and did it without me.
Can you believe this? I was so looking forward to learning, and she robbed me of that.
She's so selfish.
Guess that frees you up to do the dishes, then.
Unless Tag.
You're it.
See, Brick? That's how it works.
- Wait, Axl, we still need to decide - I'm not gonna do the dishes for you.
who's saying what when! You can't pawn stuff off on me Brr! I cannot get warm.
Seriously, I've been in the house for hours.
I'm still freezing.
Feel my face.
H-hey! Get your cold nose off me.
It's not my fault.
People need windshields.
Well, you may get one soon enough.
Here's the check from the insurance company.
Hang on.
They're denying our claim? What? Wh-- let me see that.
Where's the money? There's no check in here.
Not putting a check in the envelope is our trick.
I don't want it done to me.
We're denied 'cause of code 426E.
What's 426E? "Act of God.
" We have act of God.
We have the comprehensive policy.
Remember? You thought it was too expensive, and I said the only other safety net we have is the Hoosier Lotto, so we ended up getting it.
You know what? I know those receipts are around here somewhere.
'Cause we paid those premiums.
I remember, because we were a little late, and the guy was really nice about taking it.
Yeah, they're real nice about taking your money, it's giving it back they have a problem with.
Well, we are going down there, and we're bringing our car so that they can see what they've done to us.
I am not taking this lying down.
Had a thought, Brick.
I've been sending you out to talk to other kids with nothing in your toolbox.
And that was my bad.
So I've taken the liberty of scripting up a little practice conversation that I think might just get the old ball rolling, huh? "Hey.
" "What's up, dude?" "Oh, you know.
Just chillin'.
" "That's cool.
" "Hey, man, I like your style.
You seem like a cool guy.
" "You seem cool, too.
And hey.
I totally appreciate the eye contact, buddy.
" "Thanks.
Maybe we could hang out sometime.
What do you say, bro?" I really don't think I would say "bro.
" Oh.
Oh, okay.
Well, that's no big.
We'll just, uh, change that to "ace," hmm? Can I ask you a question? Why do I need to make friends with kids, anyway? I mean-- I mean, what's the point? They're not interested in what I have to say, and I'm certainly not interested in their conversations.
You've seen them in the halls.
They shove, they kick.
They take delight in screaming for no reason.
If somebody farts, it's the highlight of their day.
They chase each other around so that way, they may in turn be chased themselves.
I still don't understand that one.
Well, y-yeah, Brick, but everyone needs friends.
Well, I do have friends-- the librarian, the crossing guard, you.
Oh.
Oh, well, thank you, Brick.
That-- oh.
That gets me right here.
But I really mean friends your own age.
But if you look at the entirety of my life, won't I actually be spending more time with adults than kids, anyway? Sure, but-- Think about it.
If the whole point of this is to prepare me to be able to make connections with adults later in my life, aren't I actually ahead of the other kids in that regard? Uh, I-in theory So why is it so important for me to make friends with kids? Mr.
Flurry! Rocking the gray as usual.
- Thanks, Axl.
- Great game the other day.
Axl! Where have you been? Have you even gone over the note cards? We are presenting first today.
First! Calm it down, school Sue.
I'll practice during the announcements.
It's the Axl method.
No, that is the failing-the-class method.
Just stick to the note cards and follow my lead.
No improvising.
Let me get you your apron.
Oh, no.
Oh, no! - Oh, no! - What? I grabbed the wrong bag.
- This is your stupid stuff! - Oh! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
We're dead! Everything was in there-- the paper, the resume, the note cards, the menus, the aprons.
The note reminding me to get the food for the class out of the fridge.
I gave you one job to do You gave me every job! Okay.
Okay.
That's it.
We're gonna get an "F.
" I'm the kid who gets F's now.
That's who I am.
Maybe I'll just get a tattoo.
That's it? You're just gonna give up? Oh, my God.
What is your problem? It's not even due yet.
We got, like, five minutes.
We can do this.
Hey.
Steve.
What's up? What up, Ax? Not much.
Hey, remember that time at the lake I introduced you to Lindsay Sullivan? How's that going? Dude, she's my girlfriend now.
I owe you one.
Yeah.
You do.
And don't forget that.
Okay.
All right.
"Hey, Michelle.
Need a favor.
" Okay.
I'm looking forward to hearing everyone's presentations.
We don't have a lot of time, so let's get started.
Let's see-- Sue Heck signed up to go first? Hi.
This is Michelle with your morning announcements.
But first, will Axl Heck please report to the office? Well, Axl, we had a presentation ordered, but if you can find someone who'd be willing Uh, right here.
I'll switch.
Okay.
Steve, you and your partner go first, Axl, you can go to the office, but make it quick.
The class was called life skills, and Axl sure put his to good use.
Hey, Erica.
Look at you making posters.
- You're crazy good.
- Thanks.
Know what I could use? One of these, about Alan Hung! What's up, buddy? You can, like, hack into people's computers, right? 'Cause there's this paper on my sister's computer, the password is "I heart trying.
" So, you see, there are many aspects to a dry cleaning business-- tagging, treatment, pressing, tailoring, collection, and Beth.
That's business class, isn't it? Yeah.
It's so boring.
I bet.
Know what could be fun for you? Hey, Bernice.
Nice work on the tater tots yesterday.
Can I help you with this? I need a favor.
Okay, it's time for our final presentation.
Nope.
Nope.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Where you going, Mr.
Heck? What's all this? Hey, Principal Cameron.
I'm actually on my way to my life skills presentation, and I'm sorta late, so I see.
Well, do you sorta have a hall pass? 'Cause if not, you're gonna sorta need to roll that cart all the way down to detention.
Uh Oh.
Here it is.
Must have been in my back pocket.
You know, you might want to turn those into badges, so you can clip them right here, or here.
All right.
Get to class.
Uh I like the badge idea.
You're sharper than you look.
Yes.
Sue, where's Axl? Ladies and gentlemen, The Ax is back.
Hey! Oh, Sue.
Dropped her resume.
Silly.
That would have been a mess.
All right, Sue.
Okay.
And do you have your report? Of course.
And it's ten pages? Actually 11.
Hope that's okay.
Hello.
This is Sue, my name is Axl, and we will be your chefs today.
Ooh! Mmm.
Imagine yourselves in an Italian restaurant.
How do you think something like this comes together? I don't know! Thank you, Sue, for expressing what we're all thinking.
So we have paid our premiums, on time.
We are organized people.
Just bear with me.
I have it right here.
Whoops-- that's a warranty for the popcorn popper.
And this is the record for Brick's chicken pox vaccine.
Sorry.
Takeout menu.
Oh.
Another chicken pox vaccine.
This one's Brick, too.
Oh, so Sue's the one that hasn't been vaccinated.
Huh.
Actually, I just pulled up your file.
Yep.
You are paid up and covered for acts of God.
See? Thank you.
So do we get the check from you, or, uh, maybe from that other cubby over there by the coffee? And are those doughnuts for everybody? Hold on now.
Looks like the incident of January 10th is not covered under acts of God.
What? A tree branch fell down on our car.
How is that not an act of God? Tree-- made by God, blown down by the wind-- more God.
That's actually double act of God.
We should be getting two checks.
Well, according to the inspection, your tree wasn't trimmed properly.
Did you ever have it looked at by a certified arborist? Oh, I'm sorry.
We're in between arborists right now.
What are you talking about? Here's the deal-- unless you trimmed your tree branches to the acceptable length, it's negligence.
And how are we supposed to know what the acceptable length is? I'm just gonna guess here, but I'm thinking it's the length of a branch that when the wind blows, doesn't fall down on your car.
Look, we know an act of God when we see one, okay? We've had rain from our ceiling.
We've had floods from our dishwasher.
We've had bedbugs, tornadoes, black mold, red ants, a frog infestation! Yeah.
Frogs.
It's the end of days at our house.
I am not kidding you! Look, in other people's cases, God works in mysterious ways, but not in ours.
With us, he's pretty straightforward.
And we are not people who ask for a lot.
But we are people who demand what is ours and what is right, and if you cannot get with that, then maybe you need to get your supervisor, because I don't think that you want good, paying customers like us driving away angry.
I'm so angry.
Brick, you asked me why you have to be friends with other kids, all right? And I ran it through the old think tank, and here's what I came up with.
I have no idea.
But I'm gonna be applying for a job cutting keys down at the hardware store if you don't show some signs of improvement, so I'm just asking you as a friend Can you help me out? Can you-- can-- can you do me a solid? Can we move our sessions so I don't miss library time, but I do miss gym? Done.
So how do we get life skills? Sometimes you learn 'em.
Sometimes you're born with 'em and sometimes you just have to rely on an act of God.
Hi.
We heard you were having a little trouble with your car and hope you'll feel free to use the church van for the next few weeks.
Aw.
But we will need you to drive the saintly seniors to the beauty shop on Wednesday.
Hey.
It's got a windshield.