King of the Hill s04e12 Episode Script
Rodeo Days
1 ( mooing ) Bobby: THIS IS NICE COUNTRY.
MAYBE I'LL RETIRE OUT HERE TELL THEM ALL TO GO TO HELL.
THIS MAY SEEM LIKE AN EXOTIC GETAWAY FROM THE HUSTLE AND BUSTLE OF THE ALLEY BUT IF YOU LIVED OUT HERE FOR A MONTH, YOU'D GO CRAZY.
THE COWS SEEM HAPPY.
WELL, THAT'S 'CAUSE THEY'RE NOT BEING SLAUGHTERED.
TALK TO THEM AGAIN IN TWO WEEKS.
THE PEOPLE OUT HERE ARE SIMPLE FOLK BUT IF YOU DON'T PUT ON ANY AIRS ( gasps ) Bobby: IS THAT A PROPANE TANK? MADNESS.
THIS IS THE ESSENCE OF PROP COMEDY.
YOU TAKE SOMETHING BORING AND MAKE IT FUN.
SO, IS IT PREMIUM OR HAVE YOU BEEN REGULAR? COUGH FOR ME.
( groans ) Man: HOW'S IT GOING, HANK? WELL, HOWDY, ROY.
YOUR BOY'S PRETTY HANDY WITH A ROPE.
YEAH, HE'S SHAPING UP FOR THE RODEO NEXT WEEK.
THAT YOUR BOY? TRUTH IS, IF YOU'RE UNDER 40 YOU DON'T NEED THIS TEST.
( groans ) Bobby: IT WAS LIKE ME AND THE TANK WERE PLAYING OFF EACH OTHER.
WE HAD A TOUGH CROWD BUT I FINALLY GOT A SMILE OUT OF THAT ROY GUY.
I WAS IN THE ZONE.
HEY, DAD, WE COULD PAINT YOUR GRILL LIKE A MONKEY.
BOBBY, YOU KNOW HOW YOU USED TO LIKE DRESSING UP LIKE A COWBOY? WELL, NOW YOU COULD DO IT FOR REAL.
THE RODEO'S COMING TO TOWN.
THE RODEO IS CRUEL TO ANIMALS.
IN NATURE, THE BULL LIVES PEACEFULLY WITH THE GIRAFFE.
IT IS BRUTAL.
MY UNCLE WAS A COWBOY IN THE RODEO.
HE HAD TO LEAVE VIETNAM BECAUSE HE WAS WAKING UP WITH RODEO NIGHTMARES.
IT'S JUST THE KIDS' CALF SCRAMBLE-- IT'S FUN.
THE ANIMALS ARE RUNNING AROUND WITHOUT ANY PLAYS OR GAME PLANS OR ANYTHING.
KIND OF LIKE BARRY SWITZER WAS COACHING THEM.
I LIKE THE PART WHERE I'M RUNNING AROUND WITH VEAL.
AND YOU'D BE PERFORMING IN FRONT OF CROWDS, BOBBY.
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF COWBOYS BECAME ENTERTAINERS-- GENE AUTRY, ROY ROGERS ROY ROGERS MAKES A GOOD BURGER.
YES, HE DOES.
PEGGY, I HAD SOME GOOD CLOTHESLINE SOMEWHERE.
IT'S UP WITH THE WINE GLASSES.
MMMOOOO MMMOOOO COME ON, BOBBY, ROPE THAT COW.
( imitates rope whipping ) HEY, ALL RIGHT, SON! NOW, THAT IS A SKILL.
YOU KNOW, IT'D BE GOOD TO USE A LIVE ANIMAL BUT WE DON'T WANT TO HURT LADYBIRD.
HMM.
( humming a tune ) ( gags ) ( laughing ) TELL YOU WHAT, MAN, GOTTA HOG-TIE OL' BILL LIKE A DANG OL' TEN-POUND RUMP ROAST, MAN.
OL' DANG OL' HAD IT ONCE IN NEW GUINEA MAN, TASTES LIKE A PIGEON, MAN.
I THINK HE HAS THE GOODS TO TURN PRO.
BOBBY, NOT BILL.
HEY, YOU KNOW, BOBBY-- OW, MY WRIST-- IF I HADN'T BEEN DRINKING MY BEER THAT WOULD'VE BEEN RIGHT AROUND MY NECK.
BOBBY IS GOING TO KICK BUTT AT THAT RODEO.
MR.
DAUTERIVE IS MUCH SMARTER AND FASTER THAN ANY BABY COW.
WELL, QUICKER OVER SHORT DISTANCES.
WE SHOULD DO THE RODEO TOGETHER.
ALL YOU NEED IS YOUR PARENTS' PERMISSION.
AW, DAD, CAN I? SURE, SON, YOU CAN ASK YOUR MOM.
( alarm blares ) ( laughing ) UNTIE THE QUEEN.
( grunting ) ( groans ) RECORD TIME.
( Bobby grunts ) I FEEL QUICKER IN THESE PANTS.
HOIKY, OOKY, WOOKY! ( yells ) ( yells ) ( yells ) OH.
HELLO THERE.
BOBBY-- PANTS.
THE SALESMAN SAID WITH CHILDREN'S WESTERN WEAR THE HARD THING IS IF YOU DON'T WANT HUSKY SIZES.
LOOK AT THAT PAINTING, PEGGY.
GREAT ART MAKES YOU THINK, AND WHAT I'M THINKING IS THAT MAYBE THE RODEO IS WHAT BOBBY WAS CUT OUT FOR.
LET'S GO EAT SOME STEAKS.
HOW'D YOU GET THAT BELT BUCKLE? I WANT A BELT BUCKLE.
WELL, I WON THE BULL-RIDING IN TUCSON.
WOW! HOW DID SHE GET THAT BUCKLE? OH, THAT'S A BUCKLEBUNNY.
SHE GOT THAT BY BEING, UH FRIENDS WITH A COWBOY.
HEY, EVEN IF I DON'T WIN, I CAN BE A BUCKLEBUNNY.
JUST GIVE THEM THE FORMS.
Announcer: Now if our young cowpokes are ready it's time for our calf scramble.
( applause and hooting ) 20 calves, 20 boys-- one to a customer, please.
First boy to hog-tie his calf wins a $50 savings bond, courtesy of Thatherton Fuels-- "Selling the heat with warmth.
" THAT'S A LIE.
ALL RIGHT, JOSEPH, TIE HIM TIGH THEN QUICK AND CLEAN ACROSS THE THROAT.
HE'LL NEVER FEEL A THING.
Hank: UH, DALE I THINK YOU JUST TIE THEM UP.
THERE'S NO KILLING INVOLVED.
WE NEED TO PICK UP SOMETHING FOR DINNER ON THE WAY HOME.
SON, YOU'RE GOING TO BE UP AGAINST FARM BOYS BUT WE FED YOU LIKE A FARM BOY SO GO GET 'EM.
All right, if our young bucks are ready our young bulls are, too.
It's going to get crazy out there.
Every cow for himself-- Don't tie up anything with two legs and go-oh! ( all yelling and hooting ) THAT'S IT, BOBBY! YEAH! TIE 'EM UP! ROPE 'EM, TIE 'EM, GRIND 'EM, FRY 'EM TAKE 'EM HOME AND MINCEMEAT PIE 'EM! AND DOWN YOU GO! GO DOWN! HEY, JOSEPH, HOW DO YOU TIME! WINGO, JOSEPH! ANOTHER MOMENTOUS DAY FOR THE FAMILY GRIBBLE.
YOU'RE GOING DOWN, SISTER.
( Bobby yelling ) UH YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S IT, BOBBY-- TIRE HIM OUT.
( man laughing hysterically ) IT'S NOT FUNNY! Man: HEY, MISTER, WHERE'S THE FIRE? I SAYS, WHERE'S THE FIRE? FIRE! WHOO-WHOO! OOH-HOO! WHOO-HOO! WHOO-HOO! WHOO-HOO! WHOO-HOO-HOO! Ladies and gentlemen Zip Twilley and Chet Howley, our rodeo clowns! RODEO CLOWNS.
OH MY GOD.
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
ARE YOU ZIP TWILLEY? WHAT DO YOU WANT? I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR MAMA TOLD YOU BUT I HAD A VASECTOMY IN 1983.
OH I'M NOT AFTER YOUR MONEY.
I WANT TO BE A RODEO CLOWN LIKE YOU.
HOW OLD ARE YOU? I'M IN THE SEVENTH GRADE BUT I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT AFTER SCHOOL WHILE YOU'RE IN TOWN.
I'M GOOD.
SON, WE'RE DOING FINE ON OUR OWN SO IF YOU'LL GO BACK TO THE SEVENTH GRADE ME AND CHET ARE GOING TO ROUND UP THE BEER CANS.
THE BABY ROUTINE DOESN'T WORK.
IT'S ALL TALK.
WHEN THE DIAPER BLOWS UP, IT'S LIKE, "FINALLY!" THEN THE DOCTOR COMES OUT, AND HIS BAG EXPLODES? WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN? THERE'S A LOGIC TO AN EXPLODING DIAPER.
KID CUT A FART-- FINE.
WHY WOULD THE BAG EXPLODE? WE'VE BEEN DOING THE BABY ROUTINE FOR 20 YEARS.
WHY DOES THAT NOT SURPRISE ME? YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF YOUR IVORY TOWER AND SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING ON THE STREET.
GIVE THE BABY A GIANT BOTTLE.
HE CAN HIT YOU WITH IT; HE CAN SQUIRT YOU WITH IT.
NOW I'M LAUGHING! KID KNOWS HIS STUFF.
HE DOESN'T HAVE A COSTUME, DOESN'T KNOW THE ANIMALS I CAN LEARN.
HOW ABOUT YOU? OKAY, BUT IF ANYONE ASKS, YOU'RE A MIDGET.
HE'S TOO BIG TO BE A MIDGET! NOBODY'S GOING TO ASK.
( groaning ): DANG RODEO CLOWNS ZIPPO AND FREP TAPLEY.
NOW I'M GOING TO HAVE TO THROW THIS OUT.
WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE THEY USE THAT BUCKET FOR.
OH, YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.
WE HAD RODEO CLOWNS IN MONTANA.
THEY ARE NOT JUST INCONSIDERATE.
THEY ARE DISEASED FREAKS WHO WILL CUT YOUR THROA FOR YOUR INVISIBLE DOG.
AND WHERE DO YOU THINK THEY GET THOSE RIDICULOUS COSTUMES? ( groaning ): I'LL TELL YOU WHERE-- FROM MONTGOMERY WEIRD.
( laughing ): THAT'S GOOD.
OH, HANK, YOU SHOULD SEND THAT IN TO JOAN RIVERS.
( chuckling ): YEAH.
THAT'S WHERE I GOT IT.
( Hank and Peggy laughing ) ( Hank and Peggy sighing ) "DESERT ROSE.
" "AUTUMN SUNSET.
" YES.
WHICH IS FUNNIER, A HAPPY CLOWN OR A SAD CLOWN? EH, SIX OF ONE YOU KNOW, THEY'VE GOT TO LET YOU BE A CLOWN.
YOU'RE THE FUNNIEST PERSON I KNOW.
WELL YOUR DAD'S REALLY FUNNY.
WOW! I'M NOT SURE EVEN KERRI STRUG COULD DO THAT MOVE IN COWBOY BOOTS.
OH KERRI STRUG IN COWBOY BOOTS.
Announcer: Joseph Gribble on Broncasaurus.
He scraped him up good.
That's an 85.
( applause and whistling ) Chet: THOSE BOXERS HAVEN'T BEEN MADE FOR 20 YEARS.
WHERE'D YOU GET THEM? WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW? ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT THE LOOK BUT LET'S SEE YOU GET A HORSE TO NOTICE YOU.
THIS GUY'S GOING DOWN.
AND NOW, BACK TO THE ADULTS.
GIVE ALL YOUR ENCOURAGEMENT TO CLAY HENRY BECAUSE HE'S RIDING MR.
DEAD.
A HORSE IS A HEARSE, OF COURSE, OF COURSE.
( gasping ) BE MY GUEST.
( falsetto ): YOO-HOO ALOHA-YOU ALOHA-YOU NOW, LOO OKAY, THEN.
WOO-HOO! ( warbling ) ( grunts ) HEY THERE, BEN CARTWRIGHT.
WHEN'S YOUR NEXT CALF SCRAMBLE? UH, THEY KEEP SHIFTING THINGS AROUND TO KEEP US ON OUR TOES.
WELL, WHEN YOU FIND OU I'LL PUT IN FOR THE STRICKLAND LUXURY BOX.
HECTOR'S GOT THE AFTERNOONS RESERVED BUT IF I SEND HIM TO McMAYNERBURY IN THE OLD TRUCK WHAT'S HE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? OKAY, BUT, LIKE I SAID I HEAR JOSEPH WON ANOTHER BELT BUCKLE.
YOU MEAN THIS? ANYONE WANT TO WRESTLE ME FOR IT? I HAVE JOSEPH'S STRENGTH NOW.
I TELL YOU WHAT-- THIS RODEO'S WORKED OUT PRETTY GOOD FOR BOTH OUR SONS.
I HAVEN'T HEARD THE WORDS "PROP COMIC" SINCE BOBBY PICKED UP A ROPE AND IT KEEPS HIM AWAY FROM THE VIDEO GAMES.
HE WAS PLAYING THIS TOMB RAIDER GAME WHERE HE WAS A GIRL.
( Yiddish accent ): WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? ( sighs ) I THINK I'M READY TO SAVE SOME COWBOYS.
COWBOYS-- WE SAVE THEIR BUTTS WHEN THEY GET THROWN BUT THEY'LL PULL DOWN YOUR BRITCHES WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO YOUR WOMAN.
YOU GUYS HAVE WOMEN? YES.
MY BEST FRIEND'S A COWBOY.
MAYBE WE CAN START THE HEALING, BECAUSE THE COWBOYS AND THE CLOWNS SHOULD BE FRIENDS.
WE EAT THE SAME DUST.
WE'VE GOT THE SAME SMELL.
( grunting ) ( Bobby moaning ) WHAT HAPPENED? THE LAST THING I REMEMBER IS BEING KICKED BY A HORSE.
COME ON, BOBBY, WE CAN'T LET YOUR DAD SEE YOU IN CLOWN MAKEUP.
HEY, JOSEPH, THEY SAY RODEO CLOWNS SMELL LIKE COW PIES BUT I HEAR IT'S THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
YOUR FIRST CONCUSSION.
NOW, DON'T FALL ASLEEP SON-- BOTH BECAUSE YOU COULD DIE AND BECAUSE I WANT TO TELL YOU HOW PROUD I AM.
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU-- THE BRUISES, THE DIRTY CLOTHES, THE SMELL.
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN GET YOU? THE BLOND GIRL WHO LIVES HERE SAID I LIKE FRUIT PIES.
NO, YOU DON'T.
A TOUGH GUY LIKE YOU? YOU LIKE SPORTS.
Zip: NOW, KID, IT'S HARD FOR AN OLD CLOWN TO ADMIT HE'S MADE A MISTAKE.
IT'S A LOT EASIER JUST TO LEAVE TOWN AND CHANGE YOUR NAME.
BUT WHEN I SAID YOU DIDN'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A RODEO CLOWN I WAS WRONG.
( crying ): HERE'S YOUR ASS PAD, SON.
YOUR LUNCH MONEY HAD A CANADIAN QUARTER.
HEY, DOOLEY, THAT LITTLE SQUIRT'S NOT BOTHERING YOU.
NOW, IF YOU WANT TO SEE AN ANNOYING LITTLE SQUIRT ( grunting ) YOU'VE GOT DUST COMING OUT OF YOUR BUTT.
COME ON, BOBBY.
YOU'VE PROVED YOUR POINT.
YOU'RE WEIRDING ME OUT.
ALLOW ME TO TURN THE OTHER CHEEK.
LOOK, PEGGY, I THINK HE'S LOPING.
HE'S ACTUALLY LOPING.
WELL, HE'S SKIPPING NOW, BUT HE WAS LOPING.
OUR LITTLE COWBOY IS BECOMING A COWMAN.
I DIDN'T TELL BOBBY BUT I'M BRINGING A CLIEN TO THE RODEO THIS AFTERNOON.
I WOULDN'T WANT BOBBY TO KNOW A PROPANE SALE IS HANGING IN THE BALANCE.
Announcer: Strap another buckle on Joseph Gribble-- His third win this week.
( cheering ) Wait a minute, ladies and gentlemen.
We have a late entrant in the chicken roping.
( laughing ) ( gasping and grunting ) ( laughing ) THE CLOWN FELL IN SOME POOP.
( gasping ) THAT'S MY UNDERWEAR! HUH.
WELL, THAT'S ONE MYSTERY SOLVED BUT WHY WOULD THAT CLOWN WANT TO ( stammering ) THOSE ARE PEGGY'S SHOES! HANK, IT'S BOBBY! BOBBY? BOBBY! ISN'T THAT YOUR FRIEND? ( boys laughing ) WELL HE LIVES NEXT DOOR TO ME, BUT THEY SAY THAT RODEO CLOWNS SMELL LIKE COW PIES, BUT I HEAR IT'S THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
( boys laughing ) ( laughing ) HE'S FUNNIER THAN BOBBY, TOO.
Hank: MAYBE THIS IS MY FAULT.
I KEPT CLOWNS AWAY FROM HIM AS A CHILD SO HE NEVER GOT SCARED BY ONE.
DO NOT BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
( sobbing ) IT'S ALL MY FAULT! MY UNCLE WASN'T A COWBOY, HANK.
HE WAS A DIRTY, DRUNKEN, RODEO CLOWN! ( sobbing ) DON'T TELL ME.
UNCLE BOFFO? UH-HUH.
THAT'S LUANNE'S MAKEUP.
YOU'RE NOT ONLY A CLOWN, YOU'RE A THIEF.
I DON'T KNOW WHICH IS WORSE.
CLOWN.
( sighing ): BOBBY, I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU.
YOU SEE, A CIRCUS CLOWN IS A CARNY WHO'S TOO STUPID TO FLIP A RIDE SWITCH ON AND OFF.
NOW, YOU TAKE A CIRCUS CLOWN, ROLL HIM ON THE BARN FLOOR AND KICK HIM IN THE HEAD A COUPLE HUNDRED TIMES AND WHAT HAVE YOU GOT? YOUR SON.
YEP.
YEP.
( sighs ) MM-HMM.
( humming calliope music ) OKAY, DALE.
( chuckling ) Joseph: HEY, DAD.
I WON THE GOAT ROPING AND THEY'RE GOING TO LET ME RIDE A BABY BULL TOMORROW.
MY TIME WAS SO GOOD, THEY MADE ME TAKE A DRUG TEST.
( laughing ) WHOO! THE ONLY DRUG YOU'RE ON IS GRIBBLECILLIN.
AND YOU TOLD ME GRIBBLECILLIN WOULD POSSESS NO PERFORMANCE- ENHANCING QUALITIES.
CHEER UP, BOBBY.
EXCEPT FOR THE COWBOY AND THE MAN WHO STRAPS THE BULL'S GENITALS THERE'S NOBODY MORE IMPORTAN THAN THE FRIEND CHEERING IN THE STANDS.
Announcer: And now our special event.
Riding our baby bull, Problem Child is our three-buckle boy, Joseph Gribble.
I'M GOING TO GET A HOT DOG.
I LOVE MY BOY.
DON'T YOU LOVE MY BOY, HANK? ( gasping ) ZIP! ( kicks landing ) Woman: OH, DEAR.
THAT BOY'S GOING TO BE GORED.
OH! Hank: WAIT.
GO, BOBBY.
( Yiddish accent ): WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! ( Bobby grunting ) ( moaning ) WHAT DID I EAT? OH, PLEASE, EVERYONE, EVERYONE, AVOID THE NACHOS.
Bobby: OY.
( laughing ) OY.
DON'T WORRY, EVERYBODY.
I'M FINE.
OY! NOT SO FINE.
THERE'S ONLY ROOM FOR ONE AUTOGRAPH.
I'D MUCH RATHER HAVE ONE OF YOUR BUCKLES.
OKAY BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU MY BUCKLEBUNNY.
OH, YES, SIR, IT DOES.
Zip: HERE'S YOUR ASS PAD, SON.
MAYBE I'LL RETIRE OUT HERE TELL THEM ALL TO GO TO HELL.
THIS MAY SEEM LIKE AN EXOTIC GETAWAY FROM THE HUSTLE AND BUSTLE OF THE ALLEY BUT IF YOU LIVED OUT HERE FOR A MONTH, YOU'D GO CRAZY.
THE COWS SEEM HAPPY.
WELL, THAT'S 'CAUSE THEY'RE NOT BEING SLAUGHTERED.
TALK TO THEM AGAIN IN TWO WEEKS.
THE PEOPLE OUT HERE ARE SIMPLE FOLK BUT IF YOU DON'T PUT ON ANY AIRS ( gasps ) Bobby: IS THAT A PROPANE TANK? MADNESS.
THIS IS THE ESSENCE OF PROP COMEDY.
YOU TAKE SOMETHING BORING AND MAKE IT FUN.
SO, IS IT PREMIUM OR HAVE YOU BEEN REGULAR? COUGH FOR ME.
( groans ) Man: HOW'S IT GOING, HANK? WELL, HOWDY, ROY.
YOUR BOY'S PRETTY HANDY WITH A ROPE.
YEAH, HE'S SHAPING UP FOR THE RODEO NEXT WEEK.
THAT YOUR BOY? TRUTH IS, IF YOU'RE UNDER 40 YOU DON'T NEED THIS TEST.
( groans ) Bobby: IT WAS LIKE ME AND THE TANK WERE PLAYING OFF EACH OTHER.
WE HAD A TOUGH CROWD BUT I FINALLY GOT A SMILE OUT OF THAT ROY GUY.
I WAS IN THE ZONE.
HEY, DAD, WE COULD PAINT YOUR GRILL LIKE A MONKEY.
BOBBY, YOU KNOW HOW YOU USED TO LIKE DRESSING UP LIKE A COWBOY? WELL, NOW YOU COULD DO IT FOR REAL.
THE RODEO'S COMING TO TOWN.
THE RODEO IS CRUEL TO ANIMALS.
IN NATURE, THE BULL LIVES PEACEFULLY WITH THE GIRAFFE.
IT IS BRUTAL.
MY UNCLE WAS A COWBOY IN THE RODEO.
HE HAD TO LEAVE VIETNAM BECAUSE HE WAS WAKING UP WITH RODEO NIGHTMARES.
IT'S JUST THE KIDS' CALF SCRAMBLE-- IT'S FUN.
THE ANIMALS ARE RUNNING AROUND WITHOUT ANY PLAYS OR GAME PLANS OR ANYTHING.
KIND OF LIKE BARRY SWITZER WAS COACHING THEM.
I LIKE THE PART WHERE I'M RUNNING AROUND WITH VEAL.
AND YOU'D BE PERFORMING IN FRONT OF CROWDS, BOBBY.
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF COWBOYS BECAME ENTERTAINERS-- GENE AUTRY, ROY ROGERS ROY ROGERS MAKES A GOOD BURGER.
YES, HE DOES.
PEGGY, I HAD SOME GOOD CLOTHESLINE SOMEWHERE.
IT'S UP WITH THE WINE GLASSES.
MMMOOOO MMMOOOO COME ON, BOBBY, ROPE THAT COW.
( imitates rope whipping ) HEY, ALL RIGHT, SON! NOW, THAT IS A SKILL.
YOU KNOW, IT'D BE GOOD TO USE A LIVE ANIMAL BUT WE DON'T WANT TO HURT LADYBIRD.
HMM.
( humming a tune ) ( gags ) ( laughing ) TELL YOU WHAT, MAN, GOTTA HOG-TIE OL' BILL LIKE A DANG OL' TEN-POUND RUMP ROAST, MAN.
OL' DANG OL' HAD IT ONCE IN NEW GUINEA MAN, TASTES LIKE A PIGEON, MAN.
I THINK HE HAS THE GOODS TO TURN PRO.
BOBBY, NOT BILL.
HEY, YOU KNOW, BOBBY-- OW, MY WRIST-- IF I HADN'T BEEN DRINKING MY BEER THAT WOULD'VE BEEN RIGHT AROUND MY NECK.
BOBBY IS GOING TO KICK BUTT AT THAT RODEO.
MR.
DAUTERIVE IS MUCH SMARTER AND FASTER THAN ANY BABY COW.
WELL, QUICKER OVER SHORT DISTANCES.
WE SHOULD DO THE RODEO TOGETHER.
ALL YOU NEED IS YOUR PARENTS' PERMISSION.
AW, DAD, CAN I? SURE, SON, YOU CAN ASK YOUR MOM.
( alarm blares ) ( laughing ) UNTIE THE QUEEN.
( grunting ) ( groans ) RECORD TIME.
( Bobby grunts ) I FEEL QUICKER IN THESE PANTS.
HOIKY, OOKY, WOOKY! ( yells ) ( yells ) ( yells ) OH.
HELLO THERE.
BOBBY-- PANTS.
THE SALESMAN SAID WITH CHILDREN'S WESTERN WEAR THE HARD THING IS IF YOU DON'T WANT HUSKY SIZES.
LOOK AT THAT PAINTING, PEGGY.
GREAT ART MAKES YOU THINK, AND WHAT I'M THINKING IS THAT MAYBE THE RODEO IS WHAT BOBBY WAS CUT OUT FOR.
LET'S GO EAT SOME STEAKS.
HOW'D YOU GET THAT BELT BUCKLE? I WANT A BELT BUCKLE.
WELL, I WON THE BULL-RIDING IN TUCSON.
WOW! HOW DID SHE GET THAT BUCKLE? OH, THAT'S A BUCKLEBUNNY.
SHE GOT THAT BY BEING, UH FRIENDS WITH A COWBOY.
HEY, EVEN IF I DON'T WIN, I CAN BE A BUCKLEBUNNY.
JUST GIVE THEM THE FORMS.
Announcer: Now if our young cowpokes are ready it's time for our calf scramble.
( applause and hooting ) 20 calves, 20 boys-- one to a customer, please.
First boy to hog-tie his calf wins a $50 savings bond, courtesy of Thatherton Fuels-- "Selling the heat with warmth.
" THAT'S A LIE.
ALL RIGHT, JOSEPH, TIE HIM TIGH THEN QUICK AND CLEAN ACROSS THE THROAT.
HE'LL NEVER FEEL A THING.
Hank: UH, DALE I THINK YOU JUST TIE THEM UP.
THERE'S NO KILLING INVOLVED.
WE NEED TO PICK UP SOMETHING FOR DINNER ON THE WAY HOME.
SON, YOU'RE GOING TO BE UP AGAINST FARM BOYS BUT WE FED YOU LIKE A FARM BOY SO GO GET 'EM.
All right, if our young bucks are ready our young bulls are, too.
It's going to get crazy out there.
Every cow for himself-- Don't tie up anything with two legs and go-oh! ( all yelling and hooting ) THAT'S IT, BOBBY! YEAH! TIE 'EM UP! ROPE 'EM, TIE 'EM, GRIND 'EM, FRY 'EM TAKE 'EM HOME AND MINCEMEAT PIE 'EM! AND DOWN YOU GO! GO DOWN! HEY, JOSEPH, HOW DO YOU TIME! WINGO, JOSEPH! ANOTHER MOMENTOUS DAY FOR THE FAMILY GRIBBLE.
YOU'RE GOING DOWN, SISTER.
( Bobby yelling ) UH YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S IT, BOBBY-- TIRE HIM OUT.
( man laughing hysterically ) IT'S NOT FUNNY! Man: HEY, MISTER, WHERE'S THE FIRE? I SAYS, WHERE'S THE FIRE? FIRE! WHOO-WHOO! OOH-HOO! WHOO-HOO! WHOO-HOO! WHOO-HOO! WHOO-HOO-HOO! Ladies and gentlemen Zip Twilley and Chet Howley, our rodeo clowns! RODEO CLOWNS.
OH MY GOD.
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
ARE YOU ZIP TWILLEY? WHAT DO YOU WANT? I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR MAMA TOLD YOU BUT I HAD A VASECTOMY IN 1983.
OH I'M NOT AFTER YOUR MONEY.
I WANT TO BE A RODEO CLOWN LIKE YOU.
HOW OLD ARE YOU? I'M IN THE SEVENTH GRADE BUT I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT AFTER SCHOOL WHILE YOU'RE IN TOWN.
I'M GOOD.
SON, WE'RE DOING FINE ON OUR OWN SO IF YOU'LL GO BACK TO THE SEVENTH GRADE ME AND CHET ARE GOING TO ROUND UP THE BEER CANS.
THE BABY ROUTINE DOESN'T WORK.
IT'S ALL TALK.
WHEN THE DIAPER BLOWS UP, IT'S LIKE, "FINALLY!" THEN THE DOCTOR COMES OUT, AND HIS BAG EXPLODES? WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN? THERE'S A LOGIC TO AN EXPLODING DIAPER.
KID CUT A FART-- FINE.
WHY WOULD THE BAG EXPLODE? WE'VE BEEN DOING THE BABY ROUTINE FOR 20 YEARS.
WHY DOES THAT NOT SURPRISE ME? YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF YOUR IVORY TOWER AND SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING ON THE STREET.
GIVE THE BABY A GIANT BOTTLE.
HE CAN HIT YOU WITH IT; HE CAN SQUIRT YOU WITH IT.
NOW I'M LAUGHING! KID KNOWS HIS STUFF.
HE DOESN'T HAVE A COSTUME, DOESN'T KNOW THE ANIMALS I CAN LEARN.
HOW ABOUT YOU? OKAY, BUT IF ANYONE ASKS, YOU'RE A MIDGET.
HE'S TOO BIG TO BE A MIDGET! NOBODY'S GOING TO ASK.
( groaning ): DANG RODEO CLOWNS ZIPPO AND FREP TAPLEY.
NOW I'M GOING TO HAVE TO THROW THIS OUT.
WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE THEY USE THAT BUCKET FOR.
OH, YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW.
WE HAD RODEO CLOWNS IN MONTANA.
THEY ARE NOT JUST INCONSIDERATE.
THEY ARE DISEASED FREAKS WHO WILL CUT YOUR THROA FOR YOUR INVISIBLE DOG.
AND WHERE DO YOU THINK THEY GET THOSE RIDICULOUS COSTUMES? ( groaning ): I'LL TELL YOU WHERE-- FROM MONTGOMERY WEIRD.
( laughing ): THAT'S GOOD.
OH, HANK, YOU SHOULD SEND THAT IN TO JOAN RIVERS.
( chuckling ): YEAH.
THAT'S WHERE I GOT IT.
( Hank and Peggy laughing ) ( Hank and Peggy sighing ) "DESERT ROSE.
" "AUTUMN SUNSET.
" YES.
WHICH IS FUNNIER, A HAPPY CLOWN OR A SAD CLOWN? EH, SIX OF ONE YOU KNOW, THEY'VE GOT TO LET YOU BE A CLOWN.
YOU'RE THE FUNNIEST PERSON I KNOW.
WELL YOUR DAD'S REALLY FUNNY.
WOW! I'M NOT SURE EVEN KERRI STRUG COULD DO THAT MOVE IN COWBOY BOOTS.
OH KERRI STRUG IN COWBOY BOOTS.
Announcer: Joseph Gribble on Broncasaurus.
He scraped him up good.
That's an 85.
( applause and whistling ) Chet: THOSE BOXERS HAVEN'T BEEN MADE FOR 20 YEARS.
WHERE'D YOU GET THEM? WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW? ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT THE LOOK BUT LET'S SEE YOU GET A HORSE TO NOTICE YOU.
THIS GUY'S GOING DOWN.
AND NOW, BACK TO THE ADULTS.
GIVE ALL YOUR ENCOURAGEMENT TO CLAY HENRY BECAUSE HE'S RIDING MR.
DEAD.
A HORSE IS A HEARSE, OF COURSE, OF COURSE.
( gasping ) BE MY GUEST.
( falsetto ): YOO-HOO ALOHA-YOU ALOHA-YOU NOW, LOO OKAY, THEN.
WOO-HOO! ( warbling ) ( grunts ) HEY THERE, BEN CARTWRIGHT.
WHEN'S YOUR NEXT CALF SCRAMBLE? UH, THEY KEEP SHIFTING THINGS AROUND TO KEEP US ON OUR TOES.
WELL, WHEN YOU FIND OU I'LL PUT IN FOR THE STRICKLAND LUXURY BOX.
HECTOR'S GOT THE AFTERNOONS RESERVED BUT IF I SEND HIM TO McMAYNERBURY IN THE OLD TRUCK WHAT'S HE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? OKAY, BUT, LIKE I SAID I HEAR JOSEPH WON ANOTHER BELT BUCKLE.
YOU MEAN THIS? ANYONE WANT TO WRESTLE ME FOR IT? I HAVE JOSEPH'S STRENGTH NOW.
I TELL YOU WHAT-- THIS RODEO'S WORKED OUT PRETTY GOOD FOR BOTH OUR SONS.
I HAVEN'T HEARD THE WORDS "PROP COMIC" SINCE BOBBY PICKED UP A ROPE AND IT KEEPS HIM AWAY FROM THE VIDEO GAMES.
HE WAS PLAYING THIS TOMB RAIDER GAME WHERE HE WAS A GIRL.
( Yiddish accent ): WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? ( sighs ) I THINK I'M READY TO SAVE SOME COWBOYS.
COWBOYS-- WE SAVE THEIR BUTTS WHEN THEY GET THROWN BUT THEY'LL PULL DOWN YOUR BRITCHES WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO YOUR WOMAN.
YOU GUYS HAVE WOMEN? YES.
MY BEST FRIEND'S A COWBOY.
MAYBE WE CAN START THE HEALING, BECAUSE THE COWBOYS AND THE CLOWNS SHOULD BE FRIENDS.
WE EAT THE SAME DUST.
WE'VE GOT THE SAME SMELL.
( grunting ) ( Bobby moaning ) WHAT HAPPENED? THE LAST THING I REMEMBER IS BEING KICKED BY A HORSE.
COME ON, BOBBY, WE CAN'T LET YOUR DAD SEE YOU IN CLOWN MAKEUP.
HEY, JOSEPH, THEY SAY RODEO CLOWNS SMELL LIKE COW PIES BUT I HEAR IT'S THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
YOUR FIRST CONCUSSION.
NOW, DON'T FALL ASLEEP SON-- BOTH BECAUSE YOU COULD DIE AND BECAUSE I WANT TO TELL YOU HOW PROUD I AM.
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU-- THE BRUISES, THE DIRTY CLOTHES, THE SMELL.
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN GET YOU? THE BLOND GIRL WHO LIVES HERE SAID I LIKE FRUIT PIES.
NO, YOU DON'T.
A TOUGH GUY LIKE YOU? YOU LIKE SPORTS.
Zip: NOW, KID, IT'S HARD FOR AN OLD CLOWN TO ADMIT HE'S MADE A MISTAKE.
IT'S A LOT EASIER JUST TO LEAVE TOWN AND CHANGE YOUR NAME.
BUT WHEN I SAID YOU DIDN'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A RODEO CLOWN I WAS WRONG.
( crying ): HERE'S YOUR ASS PAD, SON.
YOUR LUNCH MONEY HAD A CANADIAN QUARTER.
HEY, DOOLEY, THAT LITTLE SQUIRT'S NOT BOTHERING YOU.
NOW, IF YOU WANT TO SEE AN ANNOYING LITTLE SQUIRT ( grunting ) YOU'VE GOT DUST COMING OUT OF YOUR BUTT.
COME ON, BOBBY.
YOU'VE PROVED YOUR POINT.
YOU'RE WEIRDING ME OUT.
ALLOW ME TO TURN THE OTHER CHEEK.
LOOK, PEGGY, I THINK HE'S LOPING.
HE'S ACTUALLY LOPING.
WELL, HE'S SKIPPING NOW, BUT HE WAS LOPING.
OUR LITTLE COWBOY IS BECOMING A COWMAN.
I DIDN'T TELL BOBBY BUT I'M BRINGING A CLIEN TO THE RODEO THIS AFTERNOON.
I WOULDN'T WANT BOBBY TO KNOW A PROPANE SALE IS HANGING IN THE BALANCE.
Announcer: Strap another buckle on Joseph Gribble-- His third win this week.
( cheering ) Wait a minute, ladies and gentlemen.
We have a late entrant in the chicken roping.
( laughing ) ( gasping and grunting ) ( laughing ) THE CLOWN FELL IN SOME POOP.
( gasping ) THAT'S MY UNDERWEAR! HUH.
WELL, THAT'S ONE MYSTERY SOLVED BUT WHY WOULD THAT CLOWN WANT TO ( stammering ) THOSE ARE PEGGY'S SHOES! HANK, IT'S BOBBY! BOBBY? BOBBY! ISN'T THAT YOUR FRIEND? ( boys laughing ) WELL HE LIVES NEXT DOOR TO ME, BUT THEY SAY THAT RODEO CLOWNS SMELL LIKE COW PIES, BUT I HEAR IT'S THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
( boys laughing ) ( laughing ) HE'S FUNNIER THAN BOBBY, TOO.
Hank: MAYBE THIS IS MY FAULT.
I KEPT CLOWNS AWAY FROM HIM AS A CHILD SO HE NEVER GOT SCARED BY ONE.
DO NOT BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
( sobbing ) IT'S ALL MY FAULT! MY UNCLE WASN'T A COWBOY, HANK.
HE WAS A DIRTY, DRUNKEN, RODEO CLOWN! ( sobbing ) DON'T TELL ME.
UNCLE BOFFO? UH-HUH.
THAT'S LUANNE'S MAKEUP.
YOU'RE NOT ONLY A CLOWN, YOU'RE A THIEF.
I DON'T KNOW WHICH IS WORSE.
CLOWN.
( sighing ): BOBBY, I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU.
YOU SEE, A CIRCUS CLOWN IS A CARNY WHO'S TOO STUPID TO FLIP A RIDE SWITCH ON AND OFF.
NOW, YOU TAKE A CIRCUS CLOWN, ROLL HIM ON THE BARN FLOOR AND KICK HIM IN THE HEAD A COUPLE HUNDRED TIMES AND WHAT HAVE YOU GOT? YOUR SON.
YEP.
YEP.
( sighs ) MM-HMM.
( humming calliope music ) OKAY, DALE.
( chuckling ) Joseph: HEY, DAD.
I WON THE GOAT ROPING AND THEY'RE GOING TO LET ME RIDE A BABY BULL TOMORROW.
MY TIME WAS SO GOOD, THEY MADE ME TAKE A DRUG TEST.
( laughing ) WHOO! THE ONLY DRUG YOU'RE ON IS GRIBBLECILLIN.
AND YOU TOLD ME GRIBBLECILLIN WOULD POSSESS NO PERFORMANCE- ENHANCING QUALITIES.
CHEER UP, BOBBY.
EXCEPT FOR THE COWBOY AND THE MAN WHO STRAPS THE BULL'S GENITALS THERE'S NOBODY MORE IMPORTAN THAN THE FRIEND CHEERING IN THE STANDS.
Announcer: And now our special event.
Riding our baby bull, Problem Child is our three-buckle boy, Joseph Gribble.
I'M GOING TO GET A HOT DOG.
I LOVE MY BOY.
DON'T YOU LOVE MY BOY, HANK? ( gasping ) ZIP! ( kicks landing ) Woman: OH, DEAR.
THAT BOY'S GOING TO BE GORED.
OH! Hank: WAIT.
GO, BOBBY.
( Yiddish accent ): WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! ( Bobby grunting ) ( moaning ) WHAT DID I EAT? OH, PLEASE, EVERYONE, EVERYONE, AVOID THE NACHOS.
Bobby: OY.
( laughing ) OY.
DON'T WORRY, EVERYBODY.
I'M FINE.
OY! NOT SO FINE.
THERE'S ONLY ROOM FOR ONE AUTOGRAPH.
I'D MUCH RATHER HAVE ONE OF YOUR BUCKLES.
OKAY BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU MY BUCKLEBUNNY.
OH, YES, SIR, IT DOES.
Zip: HERE'S YOUR ASS PAD, SON.