Rules of Engagement s04e12 Episode Script

Ah.
Yeah, that's so good.
My back feels like jelly.
Kind of looks like jelly too.
We can't keep so much chocolate around the house.
Oh, what can I say, honey? I had a great Halloween.
Something not said by most adults.
Okay, your half hour's up.
Time to switch.
Okay.
My shoulders have been so tight lately.
Mm Ah.
Oh, that feels so good.
No, wait, what are you doing? I think you know.
No.
Don't stop the massage.
Adam.
I'm not holding any tension in those.
Oh.
Ten seconds that massage lasted before he started wildly humping me.
You got a whole 10 seconds? What do you mean? I mean every man turns a massage into sex as fast as they can.
Some of Jeff's burps last longer.
Longer than his massages or sex? Yes.
Well, I'm not buying it.
I refuse to accept that a woman can't get a simple backrub from the man she loves.
Uh-huh.
Hey, Doreen.
Hm? Your husband ever give you a massage? Sure.
How do you think I got four kids? # How many ways To say, "I love you?" # # How many ways To say that I'm not scared? # # With you by my side # # There is no denyin' # # I can't wait For me and you # Hey.
Uh, Russell's not here? Should be any minute.
What's your deal? I'm How ? How do you mean? I don't know, you talk one way, but you look another, so I don't know what's going on.
Mr.
Dunbar, over here.
Please, hurry.
Ah, what's going on there, C-3PO? Chewbacca.
What's that? Oh.
This is a cricket video game my cousin sent me from South Africa.
Why? Is it not legal in the U.
S.
? You gotta get it on the geek market? Nothing geeky about it.
Cricket is a tremendously exciting sport.
Sport? Isn't it that game they play in all those Harry Potter books? No, actually that's Quidditch, and you can only play it if you're a witch or a wizard.
And it wasn't in all the books, it wasn't in the seventh one at all.
And I'm the geek.
I'll have you know cricket is among the most popular sports in the world.
Heh.
The guy on the box is wearing a sweater.
Oh, Mummy, I'm playing cricket and it's ever so chilly.
Well, I see the ugly American has weighed in.
At about 20 pounds more than most doctors would recommend.
Ka-boom.
I'm sorry that we can't all have that ropey, underfed look.
A dunk.
Oh, look, there's a warning: "Not suitable for anyone who wants to get laid.
" Windmill jam.
Heh.
So typical.
You can't do it, so you mock it.
Oh, I could do it.
Hm.
Well, then why don't you come on over, and we'll play? Oh, I have to see this.
All right, fine.
We'll call it: America versus whatever other crappy countries play cricket.
The rest of them.
Are you sure you wanna invite the wrath of God into your home? Two words: Bring it.
And come hungry, I'll make kebabs.
Wow.
Would you look at him.
How lucky is that mail cart? Ha-ha.
What, you want that guy to push you? Push, pull, lick.
His call.
Oh, my God, I know him.
He interviewed for a position as my assistant last week.
I got a position I'd like to offer him.
I gotta see him every day? I hope this isn't gonna be awkward.
Holy crap.
Look at him.
Does anybody have a razor? I need to shave my legs.
I'm looking for Tracy Sutter.
Oh, that's me.
I won.
I'm Tracy.
These are for you.
Hm.
Uh, Laura Foley.
Ms.
Laura Foley, single.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Ryan.
Let's see.
I know I have something for you here.
I am very excited to receive it.
Hi.
Audrey Bingham.
We met last week.
I remember.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah, you too, thanks.
Bingo.
Well, okay, so it is awkward.
I'm gonna have to do something to make things more comfortable.
I know what I would do I could make things real Oh, ladies, get a grip.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
Feel like trading massages? Definitely.
I hate reading.
Oh, no, no, no.
Today, I wanna go first.
I bet you do.
No.
I want a real massage.
For a half hour with no touching of my bathing suit areas.
But that just leaves the rest.
Look, I like doing all that stuff with you Ha-ha! Yeah.
But I also love a massage.
So today we're gonna try no sex, just massage.
I'd rather read.
So, what you wanna do this weekend? I kind of wanna find a fair.
One with corn dogs.
You know, Adam, the best masseuses don't talk to their clients, they concentrate on giving the massage.
Sorry.
And now back to Shark Week.
Oh, my God! You can't do this one thing for me without the promise of sex.
Honey, it doesn't have to be "sex" sex.
It can be the other thing.
That's still sex! Yeah, it is.
God, Ryan keeps giving me dirty looks.
I wish he'd give me something dirty.
Will you stop? You are at happy hour with your co-workers, not Spring Break at Señor Frog's.
Those were good days.
All right.
This is ridiculous.
I'm gonna go over there and straighten it out.
Oh, do you mind if I come with? I'd like to smell him.
Casually mention that I have a background in burlesque.
No.
Really? Get me drunk and ask me about Tokyo.
Hi.
Hi.
Listen, um, we're gonna be working together.
I'd really like to clear things up.
I feel like you're mad at me because I didn't hire you.
But the thing is it wasn't anything personal, it was just there were a lot of good candidates and I had to make a choice.
You're young, you're smart, you're nice-looking.
You might be in the mailroom now, but trust me, you're gonna go far.
You really think so? No.
I know so.
So come on.
Can we just put everything behind us and start fresh? Well, okay.
Come on.
Yeah, yeah.
Go.
Go.
Oh, there's my beer.
Oh, hey, put that on my tab.
That's okay.
Hey, don't argue with the boss.
So how'd it go? All better.
I am such a people person.
He filed a sexual harassment claim? Yes.
Yes.
Against me? Just this morning Tracy and Laura, who I'm pretty sure was some sort of sex worker in Japan, tried to coerce him into a game of strip poker.
They weren't mentioned.
You've gotta be kidding me.
No.
I don't do that.
"unwanted physical interaction, "uninvited comments about his appearance, "giving him alcohol "and implying that his compliance was tied to his future at the company.
" That's my gal.
God, I can't believe I got called into the Human Resource director's office.
It's so humiliating.
I know, but you know what else: I still haven't gotten a massage from Adam.
Because that's the same thing.
Why are you getting a massage from Adam? Clearly Audrey's the handsy one around here.
Thank you for your support.
It's just so frustrating.
I mean, I did nothing wrong.
I am sure if Ryan and I could just talk No.
Yeah, everything would be fine.
No, it wouldn't.
Look, this guy is clearly a vindictive type.
Just stay away, let the truth come out.
Look, I can work this whole thing out, I'm a people person.
You are? Yes.
Audrey.
I think we're overlooking a valuable resource here.
We happen to have years of sexual harassment experience right here with us.
Thanks, Jen, I'll take it from here.
Nice cans, by the way.
The first thing you do is create a gray area.
Harassment likes facts, not doubt.
Next, get your hands on some hush money, then go to your dad's office, tell him you're gonna lay low for a few weeks.
My dad doesn't own the company, Russell.
Then you're totally boned.
But on the bright side, nice cans.
Oh! That was a wicked googly if I do say so myself.
Don't say so yourself.
Say real things.
Get set.
Here comes an absolute jaffa.
Oh! Swing and a miss! I was down.
You're out for a duck.
Heh-heh.
Yeah, you're out for a duck.
You don't even know what that means.
I know I'm not out for a duck.
Well, I don't think we need to continue this.
Sorry, America, but it looks as though the rest of the world has triumphed.
You've brought so much shame to our country.
Look, playing this video game proves nothing.
It's not like we're playing the actual game.
Wait, wait, wait.
You're saying you would beat me if we played a real game of cricket? If it involves a bat and a ball, and even a hint of testosterone, I win, you lose.
I'll have you know that back home in South Africa I was such a fast bowler, I was known as the Cape Town Express.
Hm, it sounds like a stomach virus I had.
Fine.
Here's a thought: Timmy, you're a dork who actually owns cricket equipment.
Jeff, you're a stubborn blockhead who would actually play him.
I'd play.
As would I.
Well, this works out perfectly then.
You two are idiots and I'm bored.
Let's do this.
Then it's decided.
Yes, it is.
We'll take this outside and settle it like men.
Great.
Where are we gonna get the men? Nah? We should go? Are you ready for a totally legitimate and completely non-sexual massage? Yes, I am.
I can't believe you did all this.
Well, I realized you were right and I wanna make up for all the massages that I hadn't given you.
I even researched some great techniques.
Really? Yeah.
And you know how much I hate to read.
Here it goes.
Is that okay, baby? Yeah, it's great, but maybe you could ease up a bit.
Okay.
Is there anything you'd like me to concentrate on? Ugh.
Not crushingmy organs.
Well, what do you think's taking him so long? Uh, ironing a wrinkle out of his sweater? Carb loading on crumpets? Um That's all I got.
Let's do this.
Shall we? This is based on a Japanese technique.
I think it's called Reiki or Wreck-u.
It feels like the second one.
Now, this is gonna be amazing.
Ooh! Son of a whore! Why? Time for the stomach massage.
Please don't.
No, baby, I insist.
Now, this will help with digestion.
You may feel the urge to urinate.
But that's normal.
What are you doing? Wha ? Do you have tension in those? No.
I just have to have you.
No, but, honey, I still have some kidney work Now.
Okay, so I'm going to give you three chances to get a hit off me.
Now, to approximate the size of the cricket field, we'll use the homeless man to the south and the shopping cart with the old chicken carcass to the east.
So let's play.
Uh, shall we wait for the south boundary to finish taking a leak? I don't think we have that kind of time.
Let's go.
You ready? To hit a ball with a stick? I think so.
All right.
Here we go.
Big hit, huh? Come on, now.
Oh.
Nice swing, Lou "Gay-rig.
" Dude, you're gonna get struck out by Scooter from the Muppets.
That's you.
This one.
This one counts.
Ooh.
Right in the googlies.
You were right.
Cricket is a great game.
Told you.
Wait.
Wait, I think I'm out for a duck.
We just heard what happened with you and Ryan.
Yeah, can you believe it? How was he? Does he smell like the sea? Oh, my God, nothing happened.
He has falsely accusing me of something I didn't do.
Well, that doesn't sound like my Ryan.
Yeah.
You know, the bar was the wrong place, things were misconstrued, you know? But I feel like if I just talk to him again So then say something.
Yeah, Jeff doesn't think I should.
Does Jeff know that Ryan's butt looks like two Twinkies kissing? Okay.
You know what? Forget Jeff, I'm gonna fix this.
I am a people person.
You are? Yes.
It is a known thing.
Gosh.
Ahem.
Ryan.
Ryan.
Oh, come on.
Ugh.
Ryan, listen, we need to talk.
I'd like to get on the elevator.
Yeah.
First just hear me out.
All right, from the first moment I met you, I liked you.
And this situation has been very hard for me because I have never done anything to even remotely sexually harass you.
I What the hell? No.
No.
Oh, God.
No.
No! No! Don't just stand there, rip my dress off! Oh, no! Tear it off! Get it off.
I will give you it was an unfortunate incident.
Audrey, you exposed yourself.
It was an accident.
You're the first person to have this type of accident.
Ever.
Ugh.
God, this is so unfair.
And you need some more tape on your dress.
I'm going to have my own claim soon.
Sorry.
The good news is because of your spotless record and no prior f lashings, all you have to do is apologize to Ryan.
I most certainly will not.
He is the one who should be apologizing to me.
I know it seems unfair, but it won't go on your record if you apologize and take a brief suspension.
Oh.
I couldn't care less.
You put it on my record, I did nothing wrong.
Audrey No.
No.
I am standing up for what is right here.
I'm a people person, you jerk.
Your suspension is with pay.
I am very sorry that I created a hostile work environment for you.
Thank you.
I'll be back in a week.
Aloha.
I mean goodbye.