Seinfeld s04e12 Episode Script

Everything on planes is tiny.
Tiny food, tiny liquor bottles, tiny pillows tiny bathroom, tiny sink, tiny soap.
Everyone's in a cramped seat working on a tiny computer.
Always a small problem.
"Be a slight delay.
You'll be a bit late.
If you could be a little patient.
We're just trying to get one of those little trucks to pull us a little closer to the Jetway so you can walk down the narrow hallway.
There'll be a man in a tight suit.
He'll tell you you have little time to make your connecting flight.
So move it.
" Hey, could you do me a favor? Could you shut up? Open the window, please.
It's hot in here.
- You're wearing that heavy jacket.
- Fine, I'll take it off.
Grab the wheel.
- I don't want to do that.
- Come on.
Just do it.
- No, I don't like to do this.
- Elaine, just get it.
- My hand is stuck.
- Okay, don't fool around.
- My hand.
My hand! - Don't Jer All right, fine.
Elaine.
Hey, guess what.
- This window doesn't work.
- I hate rental cars.
Nothing ever works.
Window doesn't work.
Radio doesn't work.
And it smells like a cheap hooker.
Or is that you? Give me 10 bucks and find out.
So this worked out pretty good.
Them giving me an extra ticket.
You get a trip to St.
Louis.
I did my gig.
- You got to see your sister.
- Yeah, it worked out good.
- And here's the beauty.
- What? George is picking us up at the airport.
- Get out of here.
Why? - You know that awning outside my building? - Yeah.
He always brags about his vertical leap so I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't touch the awning.
- So, what happened? - He didn't come within 2 feet of it.
He's waving at it.
So I told him if he picks us up at the airport, he wouldn't have to pay me.
Hey, how we doing on time? Timed out perfectly.
Drop off the car, pick up the rental-car shuttle, we walk on the plane.
- Wait up! - Wait up! - Sorry.
- Wait! - Where you going? - JFK.
I need some small bills for a tip, got any? - Yeah.
You want a 5? - Give me a 10.
- You're giving him $ 10? - Well, we got three bags.
- That's a pretty big tip.
- That's what they get.
- They don't get that much.
- Let's ask him.
- You can't ask him.
- Let's see what he says.
- Jerry, we don't have time.
- Two seconds.
Excuse me.
My friend and I were having a discussion.
We were just wondering what you usually get for a tip.
- Depends on the person and the bag.
- How about people like us? People like you? Not much.
You don't know what you're doing.
- Come on, seriously.
- Well, since you asked.
Usually, I get $5 a bag.
- What? - That's right.
- Five dollars a bag? I don't think so.
- Look, you asked, I told you.
You got some nerve trying to take advantage of us.
All right, look, we're late.
Thank you very much.
- You're lucky I don't report you.
- Come on.
JFK.
Honolulu.
Wait up.
See? Never be late for a plane with a girl.
Because a girl runs like a girl, with the little steps and the arms flailing out.
You wanna make this plane, you gotta run like a man.
Get your knees up! - The flight's been canceled? - Everything into JFK is booked.
Wait, I have two seats into La Guardia but they're not together.
It's boarding now.
- We'll take them.
- We won't sit together? So what? It's not long.
You'll read.
What about George? He's picking us up at Kennedy.
- We'll call him.
- There's no time.
- Is there time? - There's no time.
There's no time.
We'll call him from the plane.
I have one seat in first class and one in coach.
The price is the same because your flight was canceled.
Well I'll take the first class.
- Jerry.
- What? Why should you get the first class? Elaine, have you ever flown first class? - No.
- All right, then.
You won't know what you're missing.
I've flown first class, Elaine.
I can't go back to coach.
- I can't.
I won't.
- You flew here coach.
- Yeah, that's a point.
- All right, fine.
I don't care.
The plane crashes, everybody in first class is gonna die anyway.
Yeah, I'm sure you'll live.
Third row, right.
Oh, you're in here, sir.
Welcome aboard.
Bon voyage, Lainey.
Oh, excuse me.
Excuse me, Miss.
I think you're sitting in my seat.
What? - Yeah, 13C.
That's me.
- Sorry.
No, that's all right.
I never check my bags.
Can't stand that waiting in the baggage area.
Great.
Help me.
Excuse me.
I think you're in my seat.
Oh, really? My mistake.
My mistake.
Thank you.
- Hey, thanks for coming with me.
- Oh, yeah.
What made you think you could touch that awning? I confused it with another awning.
Man.
- So how we doing on time? - We're perfect.
I timed this out so we'd pull up at the terminal exactly 17 minutes after their flight is supposed to land.
That gives them enough time to get off the plane pick up their bags, and be walking out of the terminal as we roll up.
I tell you, it's a thing of beauty.
I cannot express to you the feeling I get from a perfect pickup.
- What are you doing? - What? What are you getting on the Long Island Expressway for? You know what the traffic will be like? This is a suicide mission! - Will you relax? - I had it perfectly timed out.
The Grand Central.
The Van Wyck.
You've destroyed my whole timing.
This is the best way to go.
Do you know what happens if I miss him? I don't get credit for the pickup, and I lose my $50.
George, there's no traffic at this time.
Come on.
Really? If anything, we'll probably get there early.
I'll have a chance to go to the duty-free shop.
- The duty-free shop? - Yeah.
Duty-free is the biggest sucker deal in retail.
- You know how much duty is? - Duty? - Yeah.
You know how much duty is? - No, I don't know how much duty is.
Duty's nothing.
It's like sales tax.
Well, I'd still like to stop at the duty-free shop.
I like to stop At the duty-free shop I like to stop At the duty-free shop I like to stop At the duty-free shop So he says, "Squeeze your breasts together.
" And I say, "I thought this was an ad for shoes.
" Oh, my.
- Is that the new Esquire? - Yeah.
Turn to page 146.
Coming out of the shower.
Good thing they gave you that washcloth to cover yourself up.
What is this an ad for? See those wrinkled jeans slung over the chair? Way in the background, out of focus? How does it look on your side? We'll get there.
Oh, look at this.
He's sleeping, and I have to go to the bathroom.
Maybe he'll wake up soon.
What if my kidneys burst? Is it worth it not to wake this man up to damage a major organ? I hope this disgusting slob appreciates what I'm doing for him.
Yeah, make a little more noise with your gum.
That's helpful.
They're not here.
You cost me 50 bucks.
Look at you.
You run like a girl.
Come on.
Run like a man.
Lift your knees.
We're wasting our time here.
We're a half-hour late.
They probably took it off the board! No, there it is.
Right there, 133.
And it's canceled.
Canceled? Do I still get credit for the pickup? - I was here.
- Let's check at the ticket counter.
There it is, honey.
Gate 18A, 8:30.
Did you see that guy? - No.
What guy? - That guy.
He was standing right here.
- No, I didn't.
Go over to the ticket counter.
I'll go to the gift shop and get a copy of TIME magazine.
There's supposed to be a blurb about Jerry.
I think he mentioned my name.
I know that guy.
Yeah.
Gotta get my TIME magazine.
Never miss my TIME.
Okay, get your magazine.
Let's get out of here.
Hey.
I was gonna take that.
Gee, I'm sorry.
I got here first.
- I don't care.
I want the magazine.
- Okay, let's go.
You don't understand.
There's a blurb about me in this.
A blurb? You're a blurb.
Check out the cover, idiot.
- Let's go.
- Just give me second.
- I want the magazine! - No.
You know what I would do to you if I wasn't in these shackles? But you are, Blanche.
You are in the shackles.
You little son of a Oh, I can't wait to read my TIME magazine.
Last copy too.
Maybe I'll read it tomorrow, in the park.
Supposed to be a beautiful day.
Have a nice life sentence, that is.
You miserable They're on a different flight.
They're scheduled to land in half an hour at La Guardia.
La Guardia? Right, come on.
- Wait a second.
- Come on.
- Where do I know that guy from? - We gotta go, come on.
Wake up, you human slug.
Wake up.
Wake up! I can't hold it anymore.
Excuse me.
I've gotta go to the bathroom.
I've gotta go to the bathroom.
I'm sorry.
Can you move that? Would you move your seat up, please? Oh, my, that is refreshing.
Would you care for some slippers? - Sounds lovely.
- Here you are.
Thank you very much.
May I? Please.
Why, it's a perfect fit.
You must be Cinderella.
My name is not mentioned in this blurb.
- That's it.
It's Grossbard.
- Do you believe this? - Nowhere to be found.
- I knew that face looked familiar.
- It's Grossbard.
- Who's Grossbard? When I lived on Third Avenue and 18th Street, 20 years ago I had this roommate who was always behind in his rent.
One month, he asked me to loan him his share of the rent, 240 bucks.
He took the cash and disappears.
I tried to find him.
I went to his girlfriend's house, even his family.
Never got that money back.
He screwed me.
And that's the guy.
John Grossbard.
Kramer, come on.
It was 240 bucks 20 years ago.
- I'm gonna turn around, get that guy.
- You can't.
- Let go of me.
- Kramer, you cannot go back.
Kramer, you cannot abandon people in an airport pickup.
It's a binding social contract.
We must go forward.
Not back.
Tia, did you see all the flowers in that bathroom? - It's like an English garden in there.
- They're beautiful.
They're gardenias, mostly.
- I thought I smelled lilac.
- Yes, there are a few of those too.
It's almost overwhelming.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain.
Due to equipment problems on the runway at La Guardia we've been instructed by the tower to reroute and land at JFK.
We apologize for any inconvenience.
What did he say? What did he say? - Well, you're not gonna believe it.
- What? The plane's rerouted back to Kennedy.
We got 45 minutes.
Let's go.
Listen to the bell, Grossbard.
It tolls for thee.
We have some delicious Chateaubriand.
My personal favorite.
Or if you prefer something lighter a poached Dover sole in a delicate white-wine sauce with a hint of saffron.
Oh, saffron.
That sounds good.
And today we're featuring wines from the Tuscany region.
- Tuscany.
- Tuscany.
Hi.
Can I get to my seat? You're just gonna have to wait.
I'm right there.
You just passed it.
I'm sitting next to that guy.
You're not supposed to get up during the food service.
Well, nobody told me that.
Look.
This plane is full.
I got a lot of people to serve.
Now, please.
You're just gonna have to wait.
There it is.
Gate 46.
We got plenty of time.
Grossbard's plane leaves in 10 minutes.
I've still got time to catch him.
How? He probably boarded the plane already.
Give me your credit card.
- My credit card? - Give it to me.
Don't ask questions.
I'm not giving you my card unless you tell me what it's for.
To buy a ticket to get on that flight.
You'll spend more for the ticket than you'll get from Grossbard.
I'm not gonna use the ticket.
I'll get my money, get off the plane, turn your ticket in for a refund.
Not gonna cost you a dime.
- Come on, give me the card.
- This is a great idea.
Here.
Use this one.
I get frequent flyer miles with every purchase.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Get two tickets.
You're returning it anyway, what's the difference? - I'll get double the bonus miles.
- Yes.
Yes.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry to make you do this, but I got stuck in the aisle.
The flight attendant wouldn't let me through.
There's no way to get around that cart.
You're not supposed to get up during food service.
I'll try and remember that.
Where's my meal? He asked me.
But you were gone so long, I thought you switched seats.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, I didn't get a meal.
- Are you sure? - Yes, I'm sure.
I would know if a tray of food had been served to me.
- Would you? - Yes.
Well, the only meal left is a kosher meal.
A kosher meal? I don't want a kosher meal.
I don't even know what a kosher meal is.
I think it means when a rabbi has inspected it or something.
No, no, it all has to do with the way they kill the pig.
- Come on, but they don't eat pigs.
- They do if it's killed right.
- Under a rabbi's supervision.
- Oh, you know what? I ordered the kosher meal.
- Then why didn't you take it? - I ordered it six weeks ago.
I forgot.
You're eating my food.
Hey, I got earplugs to collect.
Do you want it or not? - This is the best sundae I've ever had.
- Oh, man.
You know what? They got the fudge on the bottom.
You see? That enables you to control your fudge distribution as you're eating your ice cream.
I never met a man who knew so much about nothing.
Thank you.
- More anything? - More everything.
Look.
I did good.
I got supersavers.
Come on.
Supersavers? Are they refundable? You bought nonrefundable tickets.
You idiot.
She talked me into it.
Said it was the best deal.
- Do you know how much this'll cost? - I'll tell you what.
I'll split it with you, huh? - Listen, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
- Okay, okay.
Hey.
- How about that, huh? - Excuse me? - Do you recognize me? - No.
- Come on.
Twenty years ago.
- What? - Eighteenth Street? - I don't know what you're talking about.
Give me your money.
Where's your wallet? The $240.
Just a minute.
Hey, buddy.
Kramer! George! Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
What? Oh, no, nothing for me, thank you.
I'm fine.
What is your name? Elaine Benes.
You're going to have to go back to coach.
But there was nobody sitting here.
Yes, but you're still not allowed.
These seats are very expensive.
No.
Please don't send me back there.
I'll do anything.
It's so nice up here.
It's so comfortable up here.
I don't wanna go back there.
Please, don't send me back there.
Oh, you got cookies.
You're going to have to go back to your seat.
Okay, fine.
I'll go back.
You know, our goal should be a society without classes.
Do you realize the people up here are getting cookies?! What is all the racket back there? You're trying to relax on the plane, and this is what you have to put up with.
What is going on? Sir, this woman tried to sneak into first class.
Oh, you see, that's terrible.
The problem is that curtain is no security.
There really should be a locking door.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Hey! Come on.
Let go of me.
I'm telling you, I didn't do anything wrong.
- That guy owes me 240 bucks.
- Listen, pal, you're in big trouble.
Couldn't be.
Where are they already? I don't see them anywhere.
I got my bags.
I'm ready to go.
Yeah, you got your bags.
That was the worst flight I've ever been on in my entire life.
Yeah, me too.
- I'll call you.
- Okay.
It's a business thing.
Hey.
- You guys ready? - Yeah.
Where's George? Kramer! But I have to admit that I like flying.
I like those little bathrooms that they have on the plane.
It's like a small apartment of your own on the plane.
You go in, close the door, the light comes on.
It's like a surprise party every time you go in there.
But the worst way of flying, I think, is standby.
You ever fly standby? It never works.
That's why they call it "standby.
" You end up standing there going, "Bye.
I didn't Yeah.
" I was on this plane where the flight attendant It was her first day on the job.
So they didn't have a uniform for her yet.
And that really makes a big difference.
Here's just some regular person coming over, going: "Would you bring your seatback all the way up?" "Who the hell are you?" She says, "I'm the flight attendant.
" "Yeah, well, then I'm the pilot, all right? So why don't you sit down? I'm about to bring her in.
"