Cheers s04e13 Episode Script

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
- Hello, everyone.
- Hey.
Oh, come on, what kind of a greeting is that? When Norm comes in, you all yell, "Norm," make a big fuss over him.
ls it asking too much for me to get the same treatment once in a while? - She's right.
Try it again, sweetheart.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
- Hello, everyone.
- Norm! That's better.
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! - How's life, Mr Peterson? - l'm waiting for the movie.
Normie, you're in early tonight.
Yeah, l wanted to talk to you guys before this evening.
What's this evening? Well, l'm meeting a prospective client and his wife here.
He runs a huge dairy.
He's looking for someone to take care of his books.
All right.
He wants to squeeze a little bit more out of his taxes there, huh? That's a very funny joke, Mr Clavin.
- You got any udders? - "Udders.
" All right, guys.
This is exactly the kind of sparkling wit that l'm talking about, okay? Now, it's really important that l impress these people, so l'd appreciate it if you'd kind of leave me alone with the Brubakers.
Yeah, yeah.
Listen to the man, fellas.
Don't worry, Normie, l'll keep them away from us.
All right, Cliff, that last comment was specifically addressed to you, okay? What are you saying, Norm? What, you're ashamed of your best friend, huh? Afraid l'm gonna embarrass you? Afraid l'm gonna be a big bore? Thanks for understanding, Cliff.
All right.
All right, Norm, my lips are sealed.
l'm mute.
You won't hear another word out of me on any subject.
How did you do it? Sam, l'm going to have to take a couple hours off this evening.
Wait a minute.
Our absentee waitress strikes again? What is it this time, bleach-bag? Hey, hey.
Carla, do you mind? l'm the employer here.
l'll handle this.
What is it this time, bleach-bag? l volunteered to work the first two-hour shift on an auction for public television.
- You'll be on TV? No kidding, huh? - Yeah.
They're selling off celebrity belongings from the Boston area.
We have a baton that Leinsdorf used, a letter from Henry Cabot Lodge-- - And nothing from Sam Malone? - Come on.
Not such a crazy idea.
As a matter of fact, some fellows named Yastrzemski, Bobby Orr, - something like Havlicek - Yeah.
have donated their athletic accoutrements.
Would you be interested, Sam? Come on.
l mean, l was a good athlete, but, l mean, those guys are superstars.
Well, to some of us, you are too, Sammy.
Yeah, Sam, you may not have been out there as long as those guys, but you were loved.
- Please.
Please.
- Go ahead.
Don't be embarrassed.
No, no.
l mean, please, a little louder.
The rest of the bar didn't hear.
- Then you'll do it? - Yeah, if it's for a worthy cause, l guess l could give them my old jersey.
You know, old number 1 6.
Yeah, l'm gonna do it.
l'll make a call, and-- You know, l'll tell you what.
lf this sells, maybe l could give them some more of my athletic equipment.
While you're at it, Sam, why don't you give them one of your old jockstraps.
No.
Too many memories.
Now, come on, all you baseball fans out there.
Our celebrities-- Hey, Sam, have they sold your jersey yet? Are you kidding? lt's been on sale for half an hour.
Sam's fans are probably clogging the switchboard.
Come on, Carla, let's not get carried away here.
- Mr Brubaker? - Peterson? Yes, Norm Peterson.
Yes.
Hi.
- This must be the lovely wife.
- Yes.
How do you do, ma'am.
Well, come on in, folks.
We have just a few moments till our table's ready upstairs.
And we can just have a drink here and get acquainted.
Just have a seat, folks.
This is Cheers.
l think you'll find it a friendly, warm, pub-like atmosphere.
l hate bars.
Well, l think they should be abolished, actually.
But we just have to be here a few moments.
Then we can go on upstairs and strap on the old feedbag.
- There are a lot of things l can't eat.
- Yes, we're both very careful.
Well, l have a very sensitive stomach myself, so Good news.
We just got in those taco- flavoured pork rinds you love so much.
Friendly serving wench, you know.
Now, come on, all you baseball fans out there.
l'm sure one ofyou wanna make a bid on this priceless piece ofbaseball memorabilia donated by ex-Red Sox star Sam Maloney.
- That's "Malone.
" - Oh, yes.
Thank you for that.
Perhaps we should meet some of our volunteers now.
- And what is your name, miss? - Diane Chambers.
l wasjust giggling with one of our callers over ajoke - that l'd love to share with you, Bob.
- Well, please.
How many Surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb ? - How many? - The fish.
l guess Surrealistic humour isn't your cup offur.
Mr Brubaker, would you tell me a little bit about the dairy game? l've always felt it must be really fascinating.
Really? Why would you think that? l Because of all the different products.
You have, you know, your milk, cheese and Now, we still have yet to receive a single offer for this authentic old baseball shirt.
Double-stitched.
A very nice garment, even ifyou're not a baseball fan.
- l have a bid, Bob.
- You do? How much? - A hundred dollars, Bob.
- Wonderful.
Well, there's a very generous offer.
Going once, twice, sold.
- Yeah! - All right! Yeah.
That's not too bad.
A hundred big ones.
- Yeah, way to go, Sam.
- Mayday's back, huh? l just feel good to be able to do something to help out quality television.
l think maybe we should start watching this station more often.
Well, enough of this pledge break.
Let's get back to our program.
Hydro-Mulching: How Much? How Soon? Okay, wrestling.
- Hi, Sam.
l'm back.
- Hey, get in here.
So, what'd you think, huh? Hundred bucks.
That's not too bad, is it? Yes, the station asked me to convey their appreciation - to you for helping them out.
- Oh, well, l was glad to.
l mean, that's my favourite station.
- lt is? - Yeah, yeah.
l especially like those two guys that talk about the day's events.
- MacNeil, Lehrer? - No, no.
Bert and Ernie.
Oh, wait a minute.
Unless Maybe that's their last names.
- Could be.
- Anyway, listen.
l was thinking maybe l should donate a few more of my baseball treasures.
You know, like, l got some hats in here.
- No.
- Sam.
Sam.
- l really don't think that's necessary.
- Oh, hey, listen.
We got 1 00 bucks for my jersey.
We could be looking at a thou for the whole Sam Malone package.
Let me just call these folks here.
l bought the jersey.
- You did? - Yes, l did.
Well, l know you don't like to sleep alone, but why didn't you come to me? l couldn't bear just seeing it sit there and nobody bidding on it.
l felt sort of responsible, and the station let me buy it.
Well, why'd you do that? l mean, you barely gave it a chance, really.
What difference does it make? lt's over.
The station has their money, and you have your jersey back.
Well No, l want you to take that back.
Truth is, l haven't thought about baseball in a long time.
Seeing that jersey up there with all those great athletes' stuff just, you know, kind of got my juices going again.
Come on, take it back.
lt'll sell.
l know it will.
- Come on.
- Okay, Sam.
Sure.
- Maybe it will.
- Yeah.
- Maybe l responded prematurely.
- Thank you.
l'll leave it up there until it sells or ends up on Mr.
Bobo's table.
There you-- There you go.
That's the spirit.
Diane? Can l? - Yes, Sam.
- l'm sorry, whose table? Mr.
Bobo's table.
- What's that? - That's where things are put when they aren't sold.
- Well, then what happens? - You don't wanna know.
Yes, l do.
Tell me.
ln the last ten minutes of the telethon, a chimpanzee, Mr.
Bobo, draws viewers' names out of a coconut, and they give the things away.
You mean that egghead station of yours lets some dumb animal choose who gets the prizes? That "dumb animal," as you called him, was part of a language experiment at Cornell University.
He has a vocabulary of 500 words.
Five-- Oh, come on, Diane, l find that completely - l'd better hurry.
- Yeah, hurry.
Wait.
Dubious! Yeah, dubious.
Volunteers are standing by to take your calls.
Sam, l'm getting a little worried.
Nobody's made a bid on your jersey - since they put it back on sale.
- lt's only been an hour.
They just gotta give it a chance, that's all.
--keep this station alive.
Oh, and look who's here.
lt's Mr.
Bobo.
lsn't he impressive? We'll be seeing more of Mr.
Bobo in the later stages of our auction.
Thank you for stopping by, Mr.
Bobo.
You know, all of a sudden, l don't think l can stick it out and watch that old jersey sell.
l'm getting kind of sentimental.
Just wish somebody would buy the damn thing.
Oh, what are you worried about? There are thousands of baseball fans out there who remember Sam Malone and who would kill to have a souvenir of him.
Carla, from your lips to God's ears.
l think somebody's making a bid there.
Well, this is interesting.
We have a lady on the phone who wants to buy old number 16 here for the sum of$200.
All right, huh? That's just wonderful.
l'm going to tell Sam personally.
No, no.
No check.
l'll pay cash and pick up the jersey later.
Damn.
- lt's all right.
l don't blame you.
- Yeah.
After all, we both had the same fear, that it wouldn't sell, and you'd be humiliated.
Shamed.
- Disgraced in front of-- - Thank you.
Thank you.
You know, they used to cheer when l walked out of the bullpen.
l mean, just the sight of old number 1 6 would start them off.
Now, see, those were great days.
Yes, they were.
But you have more great days ahead.
You have a real job now, and friends.
And you've got your health.
God, that's low.
- What is? - The health crack.
- Well, all l meant was-- - l know what you meant.
That was pity talking.
You don't tell somebody they still have their health unless what you mean is that's all they've got.
- Forget l said it.
- No, l'm not gonna forget it.
You told me l had good health.
l'm not gonna take that.
- Sam, you're sick.
- lt's too late to make up.
You know something? You were pitying me, and if there's one thing l can't stand from you, it's pity.
You know, what the hell.
l'm gonna put that jersey back in the auction.
- And it's gonna sell.
- Well, l hope it does.
No, it's gonna sell because l said it's gonna sell.
Thank you very much for reminding me that l have a little self-respect left.
That l have some pride in who l am.
Hello? l'd like to return that young man's jersey.
And so the woodchuck says to the lumberjack, "l was talking to the log.
" l never much cared for jokes in which animals speak.
- Let's go.
- No, no.
Neither do l.
l used that as a kind of awful joke a mediocre accountant might use.
Can we have some coffee? What do you say? No, thank you.
lt keeps me awake.
Well, l can see why you wouldn't want that.
No, sir.
Come on.
We haven't discussed business at all, sir.
l really think we ought to just have a spot of something.
What do you say? - Well, l'd like a glass of water.
- Specialty of the house.
Come on, sit down.
Sit down, and l'll just run up to the bar and get it myself.
lt'll be much quicker that way.
Just keep the old party going, you know.
Cliff.
Man, l'm in Death Valley over here.
Help me out.
Woody, give me a glass of water.
Just help me out, will you? Just come on over and just talk a little bit.
Who, me, Norm? The laughingstock, windbag, the boob? All right, l'm really sorry for whatever l may have said this afternoon.
l just didn't know what these people would be like.
Oh, yeah? What are they like, Norm? They're like Like dead people without the rouge.
Sorry, Norm.
Can't help you out.
All right, there's something you should know.
Listen, l found out over dinner that both their fathers were postmen.
Postal brats? Normie, Normie, Normie, you should have said so.
Stand aside, me bucko, and l'll take care of the rest.
So your parents wore the colours, huh? Well, l didn't follow my father into the service.
And Henry's in milk.
Oh, well, that explains the lovely complexion.
- Well, thank you.
- Oh, yeah, yours too.
So, you know, speaking of milk, here's a little-known fact.
The cow was domesticated by the Mesopotamians.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah, that's right.
In fact, it wasn't originally a milk-bearing animal.
Oh, no.
It was originally used as a guard animal for the Chinese emperors during the Chung King dynasty.
Just when you think you know an animal.
Well, allow me to elucidate.
Thank you, Norm.
Get me a beer, will you? Yeah.
Theory was that the intruder would step on a cowpie - How we doing? - Great.
- They keep talking about your jersey.
- Really? And still no bids for the jersey time forgot.
- Donations can be made by check - I'd make a big donation if I could go a couple of rounds with that guy.
Sam, would you relax? I'm your biggest fan, I'm not worried.
That jersey is gonna sell, and for a wad.
- You think so? - Absolutely.
Money in the bank.
Just stop doubting yourself and trust me.
You're right.
What am I doing? Woody, how much have we raised? We got $116 and a pledge for a quart of buttermilk.
What are you do--? What's going on? Oh, Sam, we're just trying to help.
Well, I don't need your help.
Nobody goes near the telephone.
You hear me? Nobody.
Well, I think we're gonna have to move on.
I'm afraid we're gonna have to take the Malone jersey off the bidding table to make room for this ingenious potato-powered clock.
We'll be seeing more of the jersey on Mr.
Bobo's portion of the show.
One of the things folks love about public television - is the fact we show no commercials.
- Sam, I'm sorry.
That's okay.
Well.
This is it, huh? The end of an era.
Well, maybe I can finally put my career in perspective.
Enjoy it for what it was.
I was a small player in a big town.
But that's okay.
That's okay.
I had-- I had some laughs, some good times, some bad times.
And now, I guess I'm no longer Sam Malone, ex-baseball player.
I'm Sam Malone, ex-ex-baseball player.
Just an average guy doing an average job.
That's something I can be proud of.
Hold everything.
We've had a $300 bid on Sam Malone's jersey.
All right! Oh, I own this burg! - Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
- Sam Did any of you do it? Come on, just admit it if you did it.
Please.
Honest, Sam.
Nobody here bought it.
Hey, do you think we have enough for that potato-powered clock? They bought my jersey.
Three hundred bucks.
Sammy, I got a great idea.
Why don't you call, have that guy who bought it come here.
- You could autograph it for him.
- You can take pictures, - send them to the newspaper.
- That's a good idea.
It's a terrible idea.
Sam, don't you see what's happening? - What? - This is a last desperate grasp - at glory that you just said was over.
- Oh, come on.
Lighten up, will you? Do you have to take the fun out of everything? Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot.
You do.
You're a delight, Clifford.
Oh, enchanté, Enid.
Drive carefully, huh? What? What? Where are they going? Where are they going? Henry's gotta get up early in the morning, and Enid's sciatica's flaring up again.
Oh, what that woman endures.
Forget her, what about me? Did I get the job? Oh, jeez, Norm.
Norm, I forgot to ask.
Hey, look, don't worry.
I'll bring it up this weekend.
This weekend? Yeah, they invited me up to the farm.
Forty-eight hours of Charades, food and Yahtzee.
- Sam Malone? -Yeah.
Hey, everybody.
- I want you to meet a Mayday fan.
- I'm Bert Simpson.
Bert, hi.
Sam Malone.
Oh, Diane, come on over here and meet Bert.
- Hello, Bert? - How are you? Well, this must be pretty thrilling for you.
- Did you see me pitch at Fenway? - No.
- Caught me on the tube then, huh? - Not really.
Actually, I've never heard of you.
But to tell the truth, I wouldn't know a baseball from a meatball.
Boy, catch me having spaghetti at his house.
Why don't you just let me sign that thing for you, and you can get the hell out of here.
I have no interest in that.
I thought you might like it back.
Why did you buy it if you didn't want it? Oh, frankly, it was getting on my nerves.
I mean, the thing kept coming back.
Finally I said to myself, "It's for a worthy cause.
Put the damn thing out of its misery.
" Excuse me.
Can I see you in my office? Gee, Sam, I'm awfully busy right now.
No hurry.
Whenever you have a minute.
- Now, Sam-- - Relax, relax.
What's the matter? You're upset.
You're humiliated.
And you're angry.
This shirt thing has been an emotional roller coaster for you, and you want someone on whom to vent your frustration.
Come on, take a look at me.
Do I look upset? Do I look angry? - Then why'd you drag me in here? - Well, because I know that you were just dying to call me a big dope.
- No.
Not me.
- Yeah.
I thought I'd give you a chance to do it privately.
- I see what you're doing.
- What? You want an excuse to blow up and let it all out so you'll feel better.
And you want me to provide the excuse.
Well, I'm not falling for that.
I am not gonna blow up.
I just think that we're not gonna be able to lay this thing to rest until you call me a big dope.
It's what's in your mind, so why not just say it.
Get it over with, and we'll go on with our lives.
No.
Well, I really wish you would.
I think it would be good for me to hear.
- Well, maybe you should-- - I knew it! I knew it! I knew you couldn't keep your big fat mouth shut.
Oh, God, you think you know everything, don't you? In your entire life, you've never said, "I don't know," or, "I think this.
" Or, "In my humble opinion.
" Oh, no, you always just say this.
And you just say that.
This, that! This, that! You know, you're nuts.
You are crazy.
And in your twisted little mind, you probably think you're gonna make me crazy just like you made Frasier crazy, just like you make everybody crazy.
But you won't make me crazy.
You wanna know why? I'm gonna tell you why.
Are you listening? Here it comes.
I don't know! I'll tell you something else.
You don't know either.
Nobody knows why you're not gonna make me crazy.
So stick that in your hat and smoke it.
- Thank you.
- Anytime.