Frasier s04e13 Episode Script

Well, listeners, flu season is upon us again.
As is customary, KACL is offering its employees and their families free flu shots.
Now, in order to show the importance of getting a flu shot, I am going to put aside my lifelong fear of needles and be inoculated right here over the air when we come back.
I've been sitting out here a half an hour.
I got places to go.
Well, Dr Claman is on his way, Dad.
Frasier, are you really afraid of needles? Not really.
I just say that to encourage people that are.
Well, they can use the help.
You know, those needles they use are about this long, - and if it hits a nerve when it's going - Stop it, Roz.
Shots are perfectly harmless.
You got nothing to worry about.
Oh, sure, you hear the occasional story about someone getting an air bubble in their vein or the needle getting stuck in a bone and the tip breaking off, but that's the exception.
Oh, that's it.
We're out of here.
But what about my flu shot? I always get a flu shot.
You're not getting one today.
You told me you'd drop me off at McGinty's.
Now, I told Duke I'd meet him at 5:00 sharp, and he pouts if I'm not there on time.
Sits there with his bottom lip stuck out and eats all the Brazil nuts out of the bowl because he knows I like them.
So come on, let's go.
It's nice to know men in bars still settle their disputes the old-fashioned way.
- Dr Crane.
- Oh, Dr Claman.
Sorry I'm late.
My last patient was a bleeder.
Oh.
- Fifteen seconds.
- Where are my manners? Perhaps Perhaps you should get inoculated first.
I already had my shot, but I could sure use a check-up.
- You're on.
- Oh, right.
All right, folks.
Uh, we're back, um.
Joining us for this last minute of our show is Dr Morris Claman, who is going to give me my, my flu shot.
But you know, what's the rush? Perhaps we'd be interested in finding out what strains of flu you've isolated this year.
Primarily Singapore, Rangoon and Malayan.
Would you roll up your sleeve? And how do you suppose they travelled here? No idea.
Roll up your sleeve.
Could it have been a careless tourist? A, a baggage handler? A tainted wok? Dr Crane, we're almost out of time.
You do wanna get that shot, don't you? Yes, yes.
All right.
First, I'm just gonna swab the area with a little alcohol, and then I'm gonna give you the shot.
There, that's done.
Really? Well, that didn't hurt at all.
This is the newly immunised Dr Frasier Crane signing off.
No, no, that was just the alcohol.
This is the needle.
[SCREAMS.]
[CHATTER.]
NILES: Ah! Well, you're late.
All the tables are taken.
No, there's one right there.
Dibs on that table.
Roz, Niles was here first.
No, but I'm meeting someone.
Please, guys? Oh, who is it? Another one of your till-dawn-do-us-part relationships? No, twerp.
This is a guy who I think really has a chance.
I can sense a lot of chemistry between us.
- Morris! - Hi.
Dear God! When did you two even get out of my sight? You blacked out for 30 seconds after he gave you the shot.
Well, no one is budging.
We could be here forever.
Well, Niles, I suppose we could share a table.
There's a couple of seats available there.
Oh, good Lord.
We can't sit with strange women.
Why not? We married strange women.
It's I know.
- Really, I'm not in the mood.
- You know, just try to relax.
Do you good to do something spontaneous for a change.
Yeah, I just I just I wouldn't know what to say.
- And besides, I'm a married man.
- Oh, Niles, please.
When will you get rid of that tired old excuse, your off-again, off-again relationship with Maris? Come on.
Hello, ladies.
Excuse me.
Would you mind terribly if we joined you until another table opens up? Oh, please do.
Oh, thank you so much.
That's very kind.
I'm Frasier, and this gentleman dusting for fingerprints is my brother, Niles.
I'm Laura, and this is Beth.
- Hello.
- Nice to meet you.
Laura.
Niles.
Beth.
Niles.
What do you two ladies do? Oh, you don't wanna hear about it.
- Well - Why don't we? Oh, it's just boring.
To the guys, anyway.
Their eyes just glaze over when the subject comes up.
Oh, come on, come on.
We're not your average bozos off the street.
Why don't you try us.
We design kitchens.
On the contrary, I am always ready to debate the merits of downdraught cooktops and ceramic-tile backsplashes.
Whoa.
Whose little boy are you? Ha! As in just the mention of a double-bowl stainless-steel sink with integral drainboards makes me hum like a subzero freezer.
You know, I think the key to a good kitchen is comfort.
Well, that's a whole current trend, a living-room feel in the kitchen.
Except, of course, with our father, who favours a kitchen feel in the living room.
That's funny.
You're very witty.
Thank you.
- Look, Niles, a table's opened up.
- No, don't.
Stay.
Yeah, this is fun.
Well, yes, it is fun, isn't it, Niles? Well, I told you it would be.
Why don't I go get us some coffees.
Uh, you know.
I, uh.
I uh I'll help.
I knew you'd panic.
Well, I'm sorry.
This is still a little new for me.
And besides, those two are coming on to us.
- You know, they are very attractive.
- I know.
Maybe we should ask them out.
On a date? We just met.
Good point, Niles.
Perhaps we should go out with them a few more times before we ask them on a date.
I just mean it seems a little rash.
Well, that's exactly why we should do it.
We're being spontaneous today.
It will do us good.
I am enjoying this, and All right, I'll do it.
Oh, but wait! We're making an assumption here.
We could both be interested in the same woman.
Good Lord, I hadn't thought of that.
All right, I'll declare l'm interested in Beth.
Good, good.
We really dodged a bullet there.
- Oh, which one's Beth? - Oh, it's this one here.
- Great! - Okay.
- And here we are.
- Yeah.
Oh, Frasier, what a great apartment.
Well, it's just a little something I threw together.
You know, an objet here, an antique there.
And there's the chair.
Wow, he wasn't kidding.
- Oh, hi! - Dad.
Dad, meet Beth Armstrong and Laura Paris.
- Martin Crane.
- How are you? Please have a seat.
Sit down.
Yeah.
So you've been out on a double date, huh? Well, sort of.
We met this afternoon, and the next thing we knew, your sons were taking us out to dinner and then to the Seattle Rep.
- What'd you see? - The Man Who Came to Dinner.
It's about a bad-tempered invalid that moves into these people's house and just drives them crazy.
- Comedy? - I used to think so.
Well, Mr Smart-Aleck, as a matter of fact, I was just about to do a favour for you.
Sherry and I can't make it to the mountains this weekend, and the cabin's already paid for.
I thought maybe you'd like to use it.
Oh, thank you, Dad.
But Laura and I have plans to go to the symphony.
How about you, Niles? Beth and I are attending an art opening.
Well, if you hear of anybody Nice meeting you, ladies.
I'm really glad the boys brought you over.
And it's been a long time since I said that and meant it.
Well, Dad wasn't really thrilled with the women we married.
Yes.
Fortunately, my taste has improved a lot since then.
I think your taste is fabulous.
I'm referring to the brandy, of course.
Velvety texture, great body.
I'm not.
Well, in honour of what happened today, a toast.
To winging it.
What greater thrill is there than going down an unknown path, not quite sure where it will lead.
Just enjoying the way that path wends and - NILES: And, and, uh - Uh-huh.
And what it looks like and, and where it goes off to, uh Perhaps you should have left a trail of bread crumbs before you started down that toast.
You know, Frasier, I hate to see you miss a weekend in the country just to take me to the symphony.
We can go next week.
Wait a minute.
I have a thought.
Spirit of spontaneity has carried us this far.
Why don't we postpone our plans and all go to the cabin together this weekend.
- I'd love that.
- Sounds like fun.
Well, then, it's settled.
Saturday morning we ride the high country.
Say, you two have been here five minutes, you haven't seen Frasier's kitchen yet.
- There's really nothing special - Let's let the professionals judge.
- I am kind of curious to take a peek.
- Well, peek away.
Peek away.
Yes, someday, when you speak of his faux-granite countertops, and you will, be kind.
You are so funny.
- What's going on? - Well, things are going rather fast.
Just going out this evening was a big step, but something that involves packing a suitcase, - and given my situation, I can't - Niles.
When are you gonna stop letting Maris be an anchor? That's the most tortured metaphor you've come up with.
- Maris, an anchor? - Oh, please, Niles.
Well, the woman is light weight, for God's sake.
Oh, just stop it.
You're changing the subject.
This afternoon, for the first time in your life, a perfectly lovely woman whom you don't even know has agreed to go away with you on a weekend.
Isn't that exactly the kind of scenario you've always dreamed of? Yes.
And if you pass it up, won't you regret it? Yes.
Well, then, for once in your timid, risk-free life, don't you think it's time you grabbed for that brass ring? It's a great kitchen, Frasier.
You guys feel like firing up the cappuccino maker? Yes! Of course, if I have that much caffeine at this hour, it'll probably be Yes! FRASIER: Ah, there we are.
After you, ladies.
Oh, this place is perfect.
And don't you just love this air? Oh, I am going to sleep like a baby.
Me too.
Jeez, I hope you two don't mind roughing it.
There's no radio or television.
Well, I guess we'll just have to make our own entertainment.
We should be able to manage that.
Come on, let's go look around outside.
We'll start the fire, and we'll be right out.
- Yes.
- BETH: Okay.
Well, Niles, I think things are going rather well, don't you? Yes, they are, and thank you for twisting my arm.
Feel like a new man, do you? I feel like a new woman, and thank God I remembered to pack one.
You know, I just wish I were sure that Beth and I were on the same page.
I've forgotten how to read all the signals.
Niles, you don't need a decoder ring to understand the phrase - "make our own entertainment.
" - I know.
Then again, there was that other statement about sleeping like a baby.
Exactly.
They could be thinking platonic.
The two of them in one room sleeping like babies.
The two of us in another crying like babies.
Well, we're all adults.
I suppose we could just ask them what they have in mind.
That'd be the worst thing we could do.
What if they're not interested? Then we'd all be embarrassed.
It would ruin the entire weekend.
I know.
Their luggage will tell us.
We'll put my bag in with your date's and your bag in with my date's.
They'll see the mistake.
- Right.
- How they correct it will tell with whom they were planning to spend the night, each other or us.
And either way, it'll all look like a misunderstanding.
You've done this before! Only on my honeymoon.
Now, hurry.
Niles, this is idiotic.
We're both trained psychiatrists.
Yes, and finally it's paying off.
- Oh, Frasier, this place is heaven.
- FRASIER: Yes.
Why don't we open up a bottle of wine and watch the sunset? You know, the sun won't be setting for a little while yet.
Just think how much more we'll enjoy it if we got all our unpacking done first.
Oh, that can wait.
By the way, Beth and I were talking, and I don't know what you guys had in mind for tonight, and sorry if this sounds kind of forward, but we would like to avoid an awkward, uncomfortable situation by getting this out in the open right now.
When we go out to dinner tonight, it's on us.
Oh.
- Well, that's, that's awfully nice of you.
- Very.
Yes.
Um, speaking of awkwardness Um, uh, you know Look at that sunset.
- Are you as crazed by this as I am? - It's driving me out of my mind.
All right then.
We're gonna settle this once and for all.
Now, just follow my lead.
Yes, that is lovely, isn't it? It's magnificent.
Not feeling so hot, huh? What'd the doctor say? He says I've got Oh, what was that medical term he used? Oh, I remember.
Flu.
God, I'm really sorry I didn't let you get that flu shot.
Is there anything at all that I can do for you? Well, when I was a little girl and got sick, Grammy Moon used to read me to sleep.
- It was a great comfort.
- Oh.
- Is this what you're reading? - Mm-hmm.
The Rose and The Rapier? Well, if you're not in the mood [BLOWS NOSE LOUDLY.]
[COUGHS.]
you don't have to.
- No, no, I'll do it.
- The bookmark's where I left off.
- All right.
Okay.
"With a gasp of dismay, she ran to him, her amethyst eyes wide with alarm.
'You fool,' she hissed, 'suppose someone saw you? The duke's men are everywhere.
"' This isn't so bad.
Told you.
"'You fool,' she whispered again, 'you sweet, brave, wonderful fool.
I should have died had you not found my bed chamber.
"' Oh, jeez.
"Then she was in his arms, and all her qualms forgotten as she tore his tunic asunder and thrust her eager lips against the sinews of his naked chest.
- The next morning" - You left out a section.
Okay, okay.
"As his brazen fingers peeled the silken fabric from her heaving bosom he beheld her quivering alabaster mounds.
At that moment, she felt the proof of his rampant passion against her milky thighs.
His almost godlike beauty was marred only by the fact that he was" Cross-eyed, 3 feet tall and had breath like owl droppings.
Is there anything more relaxing than just lazing by a fire with a glass of wine? Nothing I know of.
You two must be relaxed, sitting there so calmly when there's still all that unpacking to do.
Niles, we didn't bring that much.
Yeah, we didn't think we'd need too many clothes this weekend.
Well, I hate to break things up, but I'm getting a little sleepy, - so I'm gonna get ready for bed.
- Yeah, it is getting kind of late.
- You finished with that? - Oh, yes, yes.
Niles.
I can't take this anymore.
These women are as inscrutable as sphinxes.
Yes.
Since we got here, all they've done is sent us the most veiled, cloaked, cryptic messages.
Can't they just give us one clear signal? Well, I'm off to bed.
Niles, are you coming? - Curse these infernal riddles.
- Niles! So she really said what I thought she said? Yes! Go! Suitcase.
Suitcase.
And there you are.
- Sleep well.
- Oh, you too.
- Niles, what are you doing? - Oh, uh, never mind.
Yes, is Mrs Crane there? Yes, I'll hold.
What is that, some sort of weird, kinky foreplay? - I'm starting to feel guilty about this.
- Now? I'm sorry, I just need to clarify the ground rules of Maris and my separation.
Oh, fine, fine, I think you may look back on this one day as your darkest hour, but you do what you want to.
Yes, Maris.
Uh, It occurred to me, uh, you know, we, we, uh, never laid out the rules about our dating other people - and what we could and couldn't - Niles, what are you doing? Coming.
L Well, no, here, here's the thing.
I, I know that we're allowed to see other people.
Uh, my question is, how much of them are we allowed to see? Oh, be right with you.
I'm sorry, what? Oh, really? Oh, well, that's wonderful.
That's, that's, that's all I needed to know.
Thank you.
- Yes? - You were wrong.
Maris says she doesn't mind at all.
Ah! Well, then, off you go.
Let the revels begin.
What? What? Why doesn't Maris mind at all? LAURA: What's going on? Nothing.
Just a second.
It's Niles.
I'll be a moment.
Why do you care? Well, because she could've taken a lover herself, and this is her way of alleviating her guilt.
Okay, Niles, what do you wanna do? You wanna stew over that all night? - Let her have all the fun? - Well, no.
No, of course not.
Well, then, off you go.
FRASIER: Hi.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
- BETH: Niles? - Uh, momentito.
Hello.
Yes, Maris.
Well, I see, but All right.
Yes? - LAURA: Frasier? - I'll just be a second.
She's changed her mind.
She doesn't want me to go through with it.
Do you realize what's happening here? Yes.
Your ex-wife is ruining my sex life! Give me that! [CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Could I? Uh, I What are you doing? What? What are you doing? What if she changed her mind again? How am I to know? I am going to say this just one last time.
This weekend is not about thinking.
It's about doing.
Doing something that the Crane boys haven't done for a very, very long time.
For once in our miserable, sex-starved lives, can't we do something pleasurable without thinking it to death? Don't think about today.
Don't think about what's right.
Don't even think of them as Laura and Beth.
For tonight, they are just two live, breathing, available female bodies who want us! Think again.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Do you remember which snow bank you threw my phone into? Oh, I think I could hit it again.
Frasier.
Frasier.
Frasier!