Queer as Folk s04e13 Episode Script
Proposal of Two Kinds
One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Shake it, dude.
Cue the pulse to begin Cue the pulse to begin Cue the pulse to begin Cue the pulse to begin Nice night for a ride.
What the fuck are you doing here? Following you, to see where you've been going for the last three weeks.
Now you know.
And now you can go back home and go to bed.
Do you know what time it is? The little hand's on the two, the big hand's on the three.
Quarter after two? Why the hell are you doing this? Got to get in shape.
For what? The Liberty Ride.
You're not still thinking of going.
Just because you and the rest of them disqualified me doesn't mean that I did.
We're just concerned.
There's so many poor starving children who go to bed hungry every night.
Be concerned about them.
So why the secrecy? Because I don't want people like you saying, "you can't, you mustnt.
" I don't want every cunty faggot who goes to the gym saying, "poor Kinney, told you so.
" I have to hand it to you, your perseverance is surpassed only by your narcissism.
And there you have it, the secret to my success.
Unless I'm proven wrong by the nay-sayers, and I fail dismally.
Oh, you're not going to fail, dismally or otherwise.
You're going to be a big, fat fucking success, as always.
We're going to go on the ride together, and at night, we'll pitch a tent and we'll have hot, passionate sex under the stars.
What the fuck are you doing? I've heard that when achieving your goal, it's best to visualize it.
And five more seconds.
Come on! Push it, all you got.
Three, two, one.
And sit.
Two minute cool-down.
I'd say we're in great shape for the ride, wouldn't you? Provided my ass holds out.
I've never known it to fail.
You've never ridden it for 350 miles.
Maybe you could get an extended warranty since it's no longer new.
A deep-fat-fried victory dinner says you'll be seeing it cross the finish line ahead of yours.
This isn't a race.
Anyone who rides is a winner.
Hey, there's supposed to be some really hot guys riding.
That's what I heard.
A friend of mine went on a ride last year.
He said at night, the showers get really steamy, and he wasn't talking about the water.
Bringing anything with you that starts with a "c"? You mean my vitamins? You know me, never leave home without them.
We're giving the riders a big send-off before they leave.
I've prepared a speech expressing the center's gratitude.
A banner, a band, drag-queen cheerleaders.
Oh, sounds great.
I wish I could be there.
Oh, us too, considering all the work you've done.
I'm not supposed to leave my goddamn bed.
Doctor's orders.
If it were me, I'd be going stir-crazy.
Not me.
I'd fluff up my pillows, eat bon-bons and watch "Oprah".
Hey, can I get anyone a drink? Thanks, Linz, we were just leaving.
Now, remember what the doctor said and stay put.
Bye.
Think I'll take Gus to the park.
He could use some fresh air and so could I.
I know the feeling.
Will you be all right? Fine, thank you.
Oh, before you go, could you bring me some tea? And maybe some peach yoghurt, and a couple of cookies.
And go upstairs and get me my maroon cardigan? I'm a little chilly.
Anything else? Another blanket and a firmer pillow.
And as long as you're out, I need a roll of stamps, as well as these things from the pharmacy.
Huh.
I'm not allowed to move.
What the hell else am I supposed to do? You might try saying please, and stop treating me like the hired help, which actually wouldn't be so bad.
At least I'd get paid.
Sorry, but it's your child too.
That still doesn't give you the right to order me around.
I wasn't ordering you.
You have a hell of a nerve talking to me about rights.
You had no right to Okay.
Okay.
I'll do anything you want, but let's stop this, right now.
Well, before they give us the green light, they want to see what they're buying, and how much it's going to cost them, which will be plenty by the time I'm through.
So I'd like one of you to be here to help me convince them why we have to be true to the original vision.
Sure, Brett, which one of us do you want? Probably Justin.
Uh, no offence, mike.
The studio execs understand pictures more than words.
Whatever's good for the project.
Justin? When would it happen? This Thursday.
What about the Liberty Ride? I can't hear you.
You're breaking up.
Nothing, Brett.
He'll be there.
Great, I'll have my assistant send you an e-ticket.
You can stay in my guest house.
That's my other line.
Got to go.
Can you believe it? You're going to L.
A.
But I made a commitment.
I have sponsors, I raised money.
If the movie gets made, you can give them a million bucks.
Hey, Carl.
You looking for some superheroes to help you fight crime? Actually, I'm looking for you.
Will you excuse us, Justin? Yeah, sure.
See ya.
Buy some sun block.
Mind if I eat my lunch while you interrogate me? Be my guest.
You want some? No, thanks.
My stomach's been acting a little funny.
Something wrong? It's your mother.
I realize she can be a little spicy, but I've never known her to cause indigestion.
As you know, we've been seeing each other a lot lately.
I know.
I think it's great.
But it can't go on this way.
Suddenly I'm not feeling so good myself.
Nah, I-it's nothing like that.
What I'm trying to say is, I need someone in my life who'll make me laugh, who'll make me feel good.
I'm already taken, Carl.
That's why I want to marry your mother.
As soon as you say "you may", I want her to say "I do".
Thats that's a big request.
Normally I ask for personal references and w-2 forms for the last three years and an arrest report.
But in your case, I only have one question.
Do you promise you'll be good to her? I give you my word.
Then the answer is: You may.
I'm like her emotional punching bag.
She pounds away at me all day, and I just stand there and take it.
That doesn't sound like old Killer Muldoon to me.
I have no choice.
Her doctor said she has to stay in bed.
No stress.
Oh-h.
So now you have to serve in silence like that muncher in the military, Greta Camembert.
Margaret Cammermeyer, and I don't know how much longer I can put up with it.
Well then dont.
But it's my fault.
I'm the one to blame.
So therefore you're beating yourself up.
Or rather, letting Melanie do it for you.
Old-fashioned as it may seem, I still believe in loyalty, not betrayal, self-control, not self-indulgence, even if I failed to live up to my own expectations.
Tell her that.
She refuses to listen.
She thinks because I fucked Sam that I'm no longer a lesbian.
Well, you know what a stickler for detail she is.
Brian, please.
What do you want me to say? If it's over, get the hell out.
It's not that simple.
What about Gus? And the one on the way? Staying together for the sake of the children is a fucking poor excuse.
I proudly offer myself as Exhibit A.
Hey, sonny boy.
Come here.
Undies, sweaters.
Could you hold these for me for a minute? Thanks, honey.
Uh, Debbie, I I Carl.
You don't have to say it.
I-I-I know we were supposed to be going to St.
Pete's for a few days but hell, this is th-the ride's for the hospice.
How could I not do my bit and volunteer? You got a big heart.
That's why I love you.
Besides, it'll still be there.
We'll go on our honeymoon.
What? Ha! I'm joking.
Honeymoon? Us? Okay, so, um, oh.
So you, uh, you wanted to tell me something.
Go ahead, I'm all ears.
Debbie, honey Ears.
Fuck! I need earmuffs.
It's supposed to be colder than a witch's tit in Canada.
Uh, so go ahead, honey, what is it you wanted to say? Be sure to bundle up.
Keep packing, Deb, or whatever it is you're doing in there.
I-I'll get it.
Teddy.
Hey, Em.
I have something for you.
So where is he? Uh, sorry, nothing like that.
It's just, uh, this.
The $5,000 I owe you for covering for me, that time I "borrowed" from Gus' college fund.
I, uh Thank you, Teddy.
I'm sure you can use it.
I don't mean for that.
I mean for keeping your word.
Following through.
You've come a long way.
Yeah, I guess I have.
And now you're about to go even further, huh? This time on a bike? Uh, actually, I've, uh, changed my mind.
I'm not going.
What? Yeah, I'm up to my garbanzos in work.
I can't leave Brian with everything.
A-and I just got these new plants, and they're at that critical phase where if you don't watch them, they could go into shock.
I'm the one who's in shock.
You've been training for weeks.
It's only a bike ride.
Besides, I've got my meetings, my groups.
Can't you skip them for a few days? Ah.
No, they're what's gotten me through these past few months.
I mean, they've been my support system.
But on the ride, I'd be on my own.
I mean, say, there's a trigger, that I see guys doing drugs, that I'm tempted where can I go? Who can I call? I can't take a chance of that happening, of becoming that person again.
No.
Gears lubed up, seat nice and tight.
I'm going to ride it, not fuck it.
Wow! That is one cool bike.
Yeah.
Hunter needed a new one for the Liberty Ride.
Can I take it out for a spin? Pleeeze, dad, pleeeeze.
Sure, son.
Just don't be late for dinner.
I'm making your favourite, blueberry crumble.
So, how were things at work, dear? Let's see.
Hmm.
I finished the latest adventure of Rage.
Hey.
Made 600 bucks in sales on the website.
Oh, and Carl Horvath wants to marry my mother.
What? He actually asked me for her hand.
Did you give it to him? Every last digit.
After all, that's what two people do when they love each other, right, get married? What the fuck's all this? Just making sure we have everything we need for the ride, tent, sleeping bags, first aid kit, tool kit, rain gear, two sets of warm clothes, one dildo.
You certainly thought of everything.
But why do you need a tent if you're going to be staying in a mansion? Hmmm? Michael told me you're winging to the coast tomorrow to huddle with studio heads.
I never said I was going.
He seems to think that you are.
Well, I'm not.
We're going on the ride together, as planned.
Well, unfortunately there's been a slight change of plans.
Im not going.
Why the fuck not? Because you're right.
I'm not in good enough shape.
I saw you cycling.
Yeah, and after 30 miles, I was winded.
On the ride we're going to have to do 80 to 100 miles a day, maybe more.
There's no way I can make it.
That is bullshit.
You're just saying that to get me to go to Hollywood.
Then go on the ride without me.
Sacrifice your future.
Now, that's what I call charity.
Now here's my cell phone number.
And here's Bens cell phone number.
Here's Hunter's cell phone number, and here's the number for our hotel in Toronto.
Christ, I'll be too busy calling you to give birth.
You know, maybe I shouldn't go.
Michael, the baby's not due for weeks.
In case something happens Nothing's going to happen.
Believe me, I'll be screaming from boredom long before I'll be screaming from labour.
So go and have a good time.
It'll be an amazing adventure.
I just wish I could be there to see you guys off.
You stay right here.
And remember, if you need to get a hold of me We know, Michael.
We know.
Now would you get the fuck out of here? - We love you.
- We love you.
What a lucky kid to be coming into such a warm and loving home.
Oh, roast beef's Teddy's favourite.
Better make that 49.
It's a damn shame he decided not to go.
Would've been good for him.
Given him a victory.
Some self-esteem.
He's too afraid to leave his meetings and groups.
You know, that without his support system, he'll slip.
He's as addicted to them as he was to the crystal meth.
Well, at least it's a healthy addiction, huh? Too bad he can't take his support system with him.
Hey, Carl.
Honey, hi.
Can I interest you in a box lunch? It's for the bus trip to Toronto, but I got an extra.
Thanks, I, uh, I already ate.
Well, you want to lend a hand? Em, give Carl some fruit.
Show him how it's done.
You take an apple or an orange.
You drop it into the box.
Comme ca.
Then you move on to the next.
Got it? Thanks for the training.
Deb, could you stop for a second? Honey Carl, I'm up to my ass in hard-boiled eggs.
Do you mind if we talk later? Sure.
No hurry.
We'll talk when you get back.
Thank you, baby.
Bye, honey.
Bye.
Lupe.
Come o-out, Lupe.
Come in.
Come on, puss.
Be a good puss.
Come on now.
Come on, puss-puss.
Who are you talking to? Lupe.
Come on, puss, puss, puss, puss.
Your cleaning lady's never going to come out if you talk to her like that.
Lupe's my cat.
You got a cat? Yeah, I thought it'd be nice to have something warm and purring to come home to.
Hmm, ain't that the truth? The minute I brought her in, she ran straight for the bedroom.
Hmm, a feline after my own heart.
And now she's hiding in the closet.
Well, she'll come out in her own time, just like the rest of us.
Meanwhile, come.
Concentrate on my crass consumerism.
Spandex as far as the eye can see, in every colour of the rainbow.
A different ensemble for every day of the Liberty Ride.
That's very thoughtful of you, Em.
Not to mention extravagant.
But I already told you, I'm not going.
Who said it's for you? Who else? Me.
I decided to go.
I thought you said you were too busy working.
Well, the Bushes will have to plan their next state dinner without me.
That you didn't have the money for the registration fee.
A very good friend just paid me back.
That you were afraid of being eaten by a bear.
Well, at least the kind that live in the wilds of Canada.
But I'm willing to confront my darkest fears for a worthy cause, such as helping a friend being his support system, seeing him through any crisis, great or small.
You'd really do that for me? I believe in you, Teddy.
Despite everything.
I, uh, I want you to succeed.
Think I'll save the tangerine for the finish line.
Hm? Liberty Ride, Liberty Ride, go-o-o, Liberty Ride.
The center thanks each and every one of you for putting forth this wonderful effort to benefit Liberty House hospice.
We wish you all a great journey up to Toronto, and a safe ride back to Pittsburgh.
May this be the adventure of a lifetime.
Please make sure your bikes are on the truck.
There you go, honey.
It's salami.
I'm afraid we're out of tuna.
Huh.
There you go.
I'm so proud of all of you for doing this.
There you go, sweetheart.
Here, honey.
Have a good time.
Thanks, deb.
All set.
Let's get on board.
I haven't been on a bus since ninth grade.
Guys would be getting blow jobs in the back.
Ah, the good old days of junior high.
Well, if it isn't papa bear, and mama bear and baby bear.
Brian! Just thought I'd stop by to remind you to wear your helmets, stay to the right, and be sure to use your hand gestures.
Thanks for all the motherly advice, but my mother's going with me.
I'm sorry you're not.
Hey, have a great trip, you guys.
Mel, what a surprise.
I heard you'd been spending most of your time in bed.
Living the life of Brian.
What the fuck are you doing here? You know you're not supposed to are you out of your No, I'm not out of my I just came down to see you off, that's all.
So stop worrying.
I'm fine.
Just don't let my mom see you.
You know how hysterical she gets.
Your mom? Right.
We made just enough lunches.
I guess he's not coming, honey.
I thought I'd convinced him to change his mind.
Michael! Get your asses on board, you guys.
Come on.
And save me a seat.
Coming? Debbie! Carl! Sweet of you to come down here.
I told you you didn't have to do that.
Yes, I did.
I couldn't leave without telling you Ma, would you get on the bus? I got to go.
I'll call you when I get there.
Can you wait a goddamn minute? I've been trying to ask you for the last two days.
Will you marry me? What? I said, marry me.
Will you marry me? Tell him yes, and get on the bus.
Yes.
Yes.
Of course I'll marry you.
Fuck! Bye.
Bye.
Keep the change.
Thank you.
Shit! Hey.
Hey! Hey! Stop stop the bus! Stop the fucking bus! Hey! Made it.
Knew you would.
Where the fuck have you been? I come home, you're not here, I look everywhere, frantic.
I was about to call the hospital, the police, the morgue.
I thought something terrible had happened.
Would you calm down? No, I will not calm down.
You scared the shit out of me.
Sorry.
I can tell.
I went to the Liberty Ride send-off.
Why would you do that? After everyone told you to spite me? That's right, honey.
Make it all about you, as usual.
You're the one who has a right to be angry, to be indignant, to feel betrayed.
Well, guess what, my shikseh goddess? You don't call me that.
This time it isn't about you.
It's about me.
I went out because if I stayed in this house another minute with you, I'd go out of my fucking mind.
So I left for 10 minutes.
Okay, half-hour, tops.
I drove over to Liberty Avenue, said my goodbyes, and drove back.
And look.
Here I am.
Miracle of miracles, alive and still in one piece.
We can't go on doing the all-female version of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?".
It's just too exhausting.
You can't forgive me, no matter how much I apologize and try to make it up to you.
And I'm starting not to care.
I mean, after all, how many times can someone reject you before you finally just give up? So what are you saying? That perhaps it's best for both of us and for Gus and the baby if we aren't together.
That we stop putting each other through needless hell.
Trying to repair something which obviously can't be fixed.
I think you're right.
I'll stay until after the baby's born.
How is the lunch? I made it with my own two hands.
How about those lemon bars, huh? Aren't they to die for? Ma, would you sit down and stop showing off? I'm allowed.
How many times in your life do you get an engagement ring? Elizabeth Taylor, eight times, twice from Richard Burton.
Jennifer Lopez, three.
Julia Roberts, four.
Thank you.
You know what I mean.
When a man gives you a ring, it's special.
It's meaningful.
Well I wouldn't know.
Then maybe it's time you found out.
Found out what? Michael Novotny you are the man Ive been looking for all my life.
I am so very blessed to have found you.
Which is why Im asking you to do me the honour of accepting my hand in marriage.
We're going to Toronto where gay marriage is not only accepted, its it's legal.
And like you said, that's what two people do when they love each other, right? I don't know what what to say.
"Yes" would be good.
Everyone, a toast to my friend Malcolm.
Happy birthday! Hey, Justin.
I could give you a line the party's to welcome you to L.
A.
But it's a birthday bash for my friend, Malcolm.
He just won an Oscar for scoring his first film.
Your house is amazing.
Yeah.
I call it the house that "V Men" built.
Soon you'll have a house that "Rage" built.
Joseph, Mr.
Taylor will be staying with us for a few days.
Would you take his bag to the guest house? I have a butler.
Just like Bruce Wayne.
Hey, ken, how's it going? Great, Brett.
Now, let's get you a drink.
The meeting's all set for Thursday at the studio.
We'll go by my office tomorrow, I'll show you some of the storyboards we've come up with.
Brettski.
Hey, Con, I thought you couldn't make it? Just got back from location.
This is Justin Taylor, he created "Rage".
Let me tell you, Bretts obsessed with your comic.
Justin, this is Connor James.
I know, I know.
Calls himself an actor.
A few others do too.
Including me.
I think you're great.
Thanks.
What would you think of Con for Rage? He I mean, you would be wonderful.
Get me a script when you have it.
Is he? Of course not.
Connor's as straight as they come.
He's out banging bitches every night.
There's the CN Tower.
And that's the Skydome.
All very scenic.
But the one site one mustn't miss while visiting Toronto is Church Street.
According to the Damron Guide, "it's the centre of Toronto gay life.
>From its colourful neighbourhood bar, Moosie's, to its thumpa-thumpa dance club, Gomorrah.
" Oh, let's go to Gomorrah.
Sounds hot.
Probably the only place in Toronto that is.
I'm frigging freezing.
You're probably going to think Im crazy, but you know what this street reminds me of? Liberty Avenue.
Leather daddies, twinks, bears, drag queens.
It's all pretty much the same, wherever you go.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Except here everybody's so fucking polite and refined, you could shit.
Hey, here's Moosie's.
Good.
Let's go in here and get warm.
First round's on me.
Wait.
You'll have a Canada Dry.
And if anyone asks you how old you are I'll just say what I used to say: "How old would you like me to be?" We'll go there later after we're done.
Okay.
Thanks.
I don't know about you, but I'm having a gay-ja vu.
You too? Make it three.
It really reminds me of Woody's! And the strangest thing of all is I keep expecting Brian to walk in.
Uh, Molsons.
Brian! Calm down.
Keep your pants on, or not.
How did you get here? Mikey, did no one ever tell you? In 1903, at Kitty Hawk in North Carolina, the Wright brothers invented this thing called - Flight! - Right.
What the fuck are you doing here? The Liberty Ride begins here, am I correct? So you came to cheer us on? Exactly, professor.
I cashed in 25,000 travel miles so I could come here and be your cheerleader.
No.
I'm going on the ride.
I'll be busting a nut for charity, same as you.
The natives are so friendly.
This is Jean-Claude.
He's French Canadian.
Bonsoir.
- Hi.
- Bonsoir.
Bonsoir.
Don't you just love it? J.
C.
Here has very kindly offered to show me how Canadians keep warm at night.
But, I said Sorry, Jean-Claude, um, but, uh, as much as I would love for you to, I'm here with my friend Ted.
So you'll just have to show someone else how to rub two sticks together.
Au revoir, mon ami.
Salut.
Bye.
What's going on? Oh, it's a stag for Roger and Dennis.
They're getting married.
Been together 32 years.
I'm glad you decided to come, but I don't know how in the hell you're going to make it.
Oh, I might just surprise you.
Thanks, but Ive had enough surprises.
Ben proposed.
Proposed what? Marriage.
It's legal for us to get married here in Toronto.
I believe I read that somewhere.
Well, I hope while he was down on his knees he did something useful.
It was beautiful, and heartfelt.
I'm sure.
But you declined, of course, because deep down, you still love me best.
Shut up.
I didn't given him an answer yet.
Well, what's stopping you? Besides the fact that it's the most pathetic idea Ive ever heard? It just so happens that a lot of gay men want to get married.
Darling, have you seen them? And since when did you ever have the least interest in getting married? I didnt.
But not because I didn't want to, but because I never thought I could.
It wasn't a story I told myself like straight kids did, you know.
That some day I'd meet that special person, and we'd fall in love and have a big wedding.
It it was never real for me.
And all this stuff started happening: In Massachusetts, and California, and here.
And all of a sudden, a whole, wide world of wonderful opportunities just opened up.
Vows and rice and registering at pottery barn.
Not to mention an acrimonious divorce, an ugly settlement, and having your kid hate you.
Look, listen to me.
Are you listening? I'm listening.
We're queer.
We don't need marriage.
We don't need the sanction of dickless politicians and pederast priests.
We fuck who we want to, when we want to.
That is our god-given right.
But it's also our god-given right to have everything that straight people have.
Because we're every bit as much human as they are.
Well, you're a writer.
Rewrite the story.
Congratulations.
Hm.
This is touching, don't you think? I do.
I do.
Ben, did you hear what I just said? Yeah, I heard you.
You said "I " I'm going to need stage seven for Rage's lair, and the entire back lot to build Gayopolis.
There are a few other pictures we'd like to shoot here.
This is the only one that I'm directing.
Ya punk.
You sound like I've already given you the green light.
So what's stopping you? The price tag for starters.
This little epic of yours is going to cost me a fucking fortune.
You can afford it.
My last picture made you 250 million.
Yeah.
This one's different.
A gay superhero? The world's ready for it.
Maybe your world, but not Topeka.
If it's good, if it's got a big enough star, if you hype the shit out of it, they'll go.
Right? Guys? It all looks pretty grim and depressing to me.
Who wants to see a kid get his head bashed in? And what about all this sex? Blow-jobs and butt-fucking on every page.
It's something the audience has never seen before.
What makes you think they want to see it now? The concession stand's going to have a hell of a time selling Hershey bars.
Look, you want to go with the gay thing, you're going to cut back on the ass business, and it's got to be cheerier.
And why does your hero have to be so fucking arrogant? Excuse me, Mr.
Fenderman, but our comic book was conceived that way for a reason.
Because a lot of the shit that gay people go through is grim.
I ought to know, I'm a kid who got his head bashed in.
As far as the ass business, getting your butt fucked is one of the great pleasures, and privileges of being gay.
If you haven't experienced it yourself, I recommend it.
As far as Rage is concerned, just because he has no apologies for who he is, and no regrets about his life doesn't make him arrogant.
It makes him honest and brave.
So despite your concerns, we prefer to be true to our original vision.
Rage wouldn't expect anything less.
We are here today to join in matrimony Mr.
Michael Novotny and Mr.
Benjamin Bruckner.
Christ, this is the last time Im going to a wedding with two queens.
Do you, Michael, promise to love, respect and cherish Ben and be his true and faithful husband? I do.
And do you, Ben, promise to love, respect and cherish Michael and be his true and faithful husband? Say I do, dude.
I do.
If anyone knows of any reason why these two people should not be joined in marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace.
You say one word, you're gonna be holding more than your peace.
The rings, please.
Now by the authority of the Province of Ontario, I pronounce you to be legally married.
I'm not losing a son, huh? I'm gaining a son.
You're next, ma.
God, you barely shed a tear at Mel and Linz's ceremony.
Well, they're dykes, for chrissakes.
They shake hands and go bowling.
How much can you get choked up? Oh, Michael, we have to sign this.
There we go.
Gladly.
Anyway, it's not just for Michael and Ben.
You know, if things had been different, maybe I cannot believe we are married.
No point in beating yourself up, Teddy.
We're still friends, aren't we? Which means we'll be around a lot longer than most marriages.
All right, you boys stick together, all right? And look out for each other.
We will, ma.
Shit.
I just called you "boys".
You're married men now.
Go on before I start bawling.
Someone mention balling? And you, I want you to take it easy, you hear me? Don't act like some fucking superhero.
Yes, mother.
Okay.
I'm going to be on the food wagon, keeping an eye out for all of you.
Riders, are you ready? Okay, then, Liberty Ride 2004, Toronto to Pittsburgh, officially begins! Yeah! Moo!
Cue the pulse to begin Cue the pulse to begin Cue the pulse to begin Cue the pulse to begin Nice night for a ride.
What the fuck are you doing here? Following you, to see where you've been going for the last three weeks.
Now you know.
And now you can go back home and go to bed.
Do you know what time it is? The little hand's on the two, the big hand's on the three.
Quarter after two? Why the hell are you doing this? Got to get in shape.
For what? The Liberty Ride.
You're not still thinking of going.
Just because you and the rest of them disqualified me doesn't mean that I did.
We're just concerned.
There's so many poor starving children who go to bed hungry every night.
Be concerned about them.
So why the secrecy? Because I don't want people like you saying, "you can't, you mustnt.
" I don't want every cunty faggot who goes to the gym saying, "poor Kinney, told you so.
" I have to hand it to you, your perseverance is surpassed only by your narcissism.
And there you have it, the secret to my success.
Unless I'm proven wrong by the nay-sayers, and I fail dismally.
Oh, you're not going to fail, dismally or otherwise.
You're going to be a big, fat fucking success, as always.
We're going to go on the ride together, and at night, we'll pitch a tent and we'll have hot, passionate sex under the stars.
What the fuck are you doing? I've heard that when achieving your goal, it's best to visualize it.
And five more seconds.
Come on! Push it, all you got.
Three, two, one.
And sit.
Two minute cool-down.
I'd say we're in great shape for the ride, wouldn't you? Provided my ass holds out.
I've never known it to fail.
You've never ridden it for 350 miles.
Maybe you could get an extended warranty since it's no longer new.
A deep-fat-fried victory dinner says you'll be seeing it cross the finish line ahead of yours.
This isn't a race.
Anyone who rides is a winner.
Hey, there's supposed to be some really hot guys riding.
That's what I heard.
A friend of mine went on a ride last year.
He said at night, the showers get really steamy, and he wasn't talking about the water.
Bringing anything with you that starts with a "c"? You mean my vitamins? You know me, never leave home without them.
We're giving the riders a big send-off before they leave.
I've prepared a speech expressing the center's gratitude.
A banner, a band, drag-queen cheerleaders.
Oh, sounds great.
I wish I could be there.
Oh, us too, considering all the work you've done.
I'm not supposed to leave my goddamn bed.
Doctor's orders.
If it were me, I'd be going stir-crazy.
Not me.
I'd fluff up my pillows, eat bon-bons and watch "Oprah".
Hey, can I get anyone a drink? Thanks, Linz, we were just leaving.
Now, remember what the doctor said and stay put.
Bye.
Think I'll take Gus to the park.
He could use some fresh air and so could I.
I know the feeling.
Will you be all right? Fine, thank you.
Oh, before you go, could you bring me some tea? And maybe some peach yoghurt, and a couple of cookies.
And go upstairs and get me my maroon cardigan? I'm a little chilly.
Anything else? Another blanket and a firmer pillow.
And as long as you're out, I need a roll of stamps, as well as these things from the pharmacy.
Huh.
I'm not allowed to move.
What the hell else am I supposed to do? You might try saying please, and stop treating me like the hired help, which actually wouldn't be so bad.
At least I'd get paid.
Sorry, but it's your child too.
That still doesn't give you the right to order me around.
I wasn't ordering you.
You have a hell of a nerve talking to me about rights.
You had no right to Okay.
Okay.
I'll do anything you want, but let's stop this, right now.
Well, before they give us the green light, they want to see what they're buying, and how much it's going to cost them, which will be plenty by the time I'm through.
So I'd like one of you to be here to help me convince them why we have to be true to the original vision.
Sure, Brett, which one of us do you want? Probably Justin.
Uh, no offence, mike.
The studio execs understand pictures more than words.
Whatever's good for the project.
Justin? When would it happen? This Thursday.
What about the Liberty Ride? I can't hear you.
You're breaking up.
Nothing, Brett.
He'll be there.
Great, I'll have my assistant send you an e-ticket.
You can stay in my guest house.
That's my other line.
Got to go.
Can you believe it? You're going to L.
A.
But I made a commitment.
I have sponsors, I raised money.
If the movie gets made, you can give them a million bucks.
Hey, Carl.
You looking for some superheroes to help you fight crime? Actually, I'm looking for you.
Will you excuse us, Justin? Yeah, sure.
See ya.
Buy some sun block.
Mind if I eat my lunch while you interrogate me? Be my guest.
You want some? No, thanks.
My stomach's been acting a little funny.
Something wrong? It's your mother.
I realize she can be a little spicy, but I've never known her to cause indigestion.
As you know, we've been seeing each other a lot lately.
I know.
I think it's great.
But it can't go on this way.
Suddenly I'm not feeling so good myself.
Nah, I-it's nothing like that.
What I'm trying to say is, I need someone in my life who'll make me laugh, who'll make me feel good.
I'm already taken, Carl.
That's why I want to marry your mother.
As soon as you say "you may", I want her to say "I do".
Thats that's a big request.
Normally I ask for personal references and w-2 forms for the last three years and an arrest report.
But in your case, I only have one question.
Do you promise you'll be good to her? I give you my word.
Then the answer is: You may.
I'm like her emotional punching bag.
She pounds away at me all day, and I just stand there and take it.
That doesn't sound like old Killer Muldoon to me.
I have no choice.
Her doctor said she has to stay in bed.
No stress.
Oh-h.
So now you have to serve in silence like that muncher in the military, Greta Camembert.
Margaret Cammermeyer, and I don't know how much longer I can put up with it.
Well then dont.
But it's my fault.
I'm the one to blame.
So therefore you're beating yourself up.
Or rather, letting Melanie do it for you.
Old-fashioned as it may seem, I still believe in loyalty, not betrayal, self-control, not self-indulgence, even if I failed to live up to my own expectations.
Tell her that.
She refuses to listen.
She thinks because I fucked Sam that I'm no longer a lesbian.
Well, you know what a stickler for detail she is.
Brian, please.
What do you want me to say? If it's over, get the hell out.
It's not that simple.
What about Gus? And the one on the way? Staying together for the sake of the children is a fucking poor excuse.
I proudly offer myself as Exhibit A.
Hey, sonny boy.
Come here.
Undies, sweaters.
Could you hold these for me for a minute? Thanks, honey.
Uh, Debbie, I I Carl.
You don't have to say it.
I-I-I know we were supposed to be going to St.
Pete's for a few days but hell, this is th-the ride's for the hospice.
How could I not do my bit and volunteer? You got a big heart.
That's why I love you.
Besides, it'll still be there.
We'll go on our honeymoon.
What? Ha! I'm joking.
Honeymoon? Us? Okay, so, um, oh.
So you, uh, you wanted to tell me something.
Go ahead, I'm all ears.
Debbie, honey Ears.
Fuck! I need earmuffs.
It's supposed to be colder than a witch's tit in Canada.
Uh, so go ahead, honey, what is it you wanted to say? Be sure to bundle up.
Keep packing, Deb, or whatever it is you're doing in there.
I-I'll get it.
Teddy.
Hey, Em.
I have something for you.
So where is he? Uh, sorry, nothing like that.
It's just, uh, this.
The $5,000 I owe you for covering for me, that time I "borrowed" from Gus' college fund.
I, uh Thank you, Teddy.
I'm sure you can use it.
I don't mean for that.
I mean for keeping your word.
Following through.
You've come a long way.
Yeah, I guess I have.
And now you're about to go even further, huh? This time on a bike? Uh, actually, I've, uh, changed my mind.
I'm not going.
What? Yeah, I'm up to my garbanzos in work.
I can't leave Brian with everything.
A-and I just got these new plants, and they're at that critical phase where if you don't watch them, they could go into shock.
I'm the one who's in shock.
You've been training for weeks.
It's only a bike ride.
Besides, I've got my meetings, my groups.
Can't you skip them for a few days? Ah.
No, they're what's gotten me through these past few months.
I mean, they've been my support system.
But on the ride, I'd be on my own.
I mean, say, there's a trigger, that I see guys doing drugs, that I'm tempted where can I go? Who can I call? I can't take a chance of that happening, of becoming that person again.
No.
Gears lubed up, seat nice and tight.
I'm going to ride it, not fuck it.
Wow! That is one cool bike.
Yeah.
Hunter needed a new one for the Liberty Ride.
Can I take it out for a spin? Pleeeze, dad, pleeeeze.
Sure, son.
Just don't be late for dinner.
I'm making your favourite, blueberry crumble.
So, how were things at work, dear? Let's see.
Hmm.
I finished the latest adventure of Rage.
Hey.
Made 600 bucks in sales on the website.
Oh, and Carl Horvath wants to marry my mother.
What? He actually asked me for her hand.
Did you give it to him? Every last digit.
After all, that's what two people do when they love each other, right, get married? What the fuck's all this? Just making sure we have everything we need for the ride, tent, sleeping bags, first aid kit, tool kit, rain gear, two sets of warm clothes, one dildo.
You certainly thought of everything.
But why do you need a tent if you're going to be staying in a mansion? Hmmm? Michael told me you're winging to the coast tomorrow to huddle with studio heads.
I never said I was going.
He seems to think that you are.
Well, I'm not.
We're going on the ride together, as planned.
Well, unfortunately there's been a slight change of plans.
Im not going.
Why the fuck not? Because you're right.
I'm not in good enough shape.
I saw you cycling.
Yeah, and after 30 miles, I was winded.
On the ride we're going to have to do 80 to 100 miles a day, maybe more.
There's no way I can make it.
That is bullshit.
You're just saying that to get me to go to Hollywood.
Then go on the ride without me.
Sacrifice your future.
Now, that's what I call charity.
Now here's my cell phone number.
And here's Bens cell phone number.
Here's Hunter's cell phone number, and here's the number for our hotel in Toronto.
Christ, I'll be too busy calling you to give birth.
You know, maybe I shouldn't go.
Michael, the baby's not due for weeks.
In case something happens Nothing's going to happen.
Believe me, I'll be screaming from boredom long before I'll be screaming from labour.
So go and have a good time.
It'll be an amazing adventure.
I just wish I could be there to see you guys off.
You stay right here.
And remember, if you need to get a hold of me We know, Michael.
We know.
Now would you get the fuck out of here? - We love you.
- We love you.
What a lucky kid to be coming into such a warm and loving home.
Oh, roast beef's Teddy's favourite.
Better make that 49.
It's a damn shame he decided not to go.
Would've been good for him.
Given him a victory.
Some self-esteem.
He's too afraid to leave his meetings and groups.
You know, that without his support system, he'll slip.
He's as addicted to them as he was to the crystal meth.
Well, at least it's a healthy addiction, huh? Too bad he can't take his support system with him.
Hey, Carl.
Honey, hi.
Can I interest you in a box lunch? It's for the bus trip to Toronto, but I got an extra.
Thanks, I, uh, I already ate.
Well, you want to lend a hand? Em, give Carl some fruit.
Show him how it's done.
You take an apple or an orange.
You drop it into the box.
Comme ca.
Then you move on to the next.
Got it? Thanks for the training.
Deb, could you stop for a second? Honey Carl, I'm up to my ass in hard-boiled eggs.
Do you mind if we talk later? Sure.
No hurry.
We'll talk when you get back.
Thank you, baby.
Bye, honey.
Bye.
Lupe.
Come o-out, Lupe.
Come in.
Come on, puss.
Be a good puss.
Come on now.
Come on, puss-puss.
Who are you talking to? Lupe.
Come on, puss, puss, puss, puss.
Your cleaning lady's never going to come out if you talk to her like that.
Lupe's my cat.
You got a cat? Yeah, I thought it'd be nice to have something warm and purring to come home to.
Hmm, ain't that the truth? The minute I brought her in, she ran straight for the bedroom.
Hmm, a feline after my own heart.
And now she's hiding in the closet.
Well, she'll come out in her own time, just like the rest of us.
Meanwhile, come.
Concentrate on my crass consumerism.
Spandex as far as the eye can see, in every colour of the rainbow.
A different ensemble for every day of the Liberty Ride.
That's very thoughtful of you, Em.
Not to mention extravagant.
But I already told you, I'm not going.
Who said it's for you? Who else? Me.
I decided to go.
I thought you said you were too busy working.
Well, the Bushes will have to plan their next state dinner without me.
That you didn't have the money for the registration fee.
A very good friend just paid me back.
That you were afraid of being eaten by a bear.
Well, at least the kind that live in the wilds of Canada.
But I'm willing to confront my darkest fears for a worthy cause, such as helping a friend being his support system, seeing him through any crisis, great or small.
You'd really do that for me? I believe in you, Teddy.
Despite everything.
I, uh, I want you to succeed.
Think I'll save the tangerine for the finish line.
Hm? Liberty Ride, Liberty Ride, go-o-o, Liberty Ride.
The center thanks each and every one of you for putting forth this wonderful effort to benefit Liberty House hospice.
We wish you all a great journey up to Toronto, and a safe ride back to Pittsburgh.
May this be the adventure of a lifetime.
Please make sure your bikes are on the truck.
There you go, honey.
It's salami.
I'm afraid we're out of tuna.
Huh.
There you go.
I'm so proud of all of you for doing this.
There you go, sweetheart.
Here, honey.
Have a good time.
Thanks, deb.
All set.
Let's get on board.
I haven't been on a bus since ninth grade.
Guys would be getting blow jobs in the back.
Ah, the good old days of junior high.
Well, if it isn't papa bear, and mama bear and baby bear.
Brian! Just thought I'd stop by to remind you to wear your helmets, stay to the right, and be sure to use your hand gestures.
Thanks for all the motherly advice, but my mother's going with me.
I'm sorry you're not.
Hey, have a great trip, you guys.
Mel, what a surprise.
I heard you'd been spending most of your time in bed.
Living the life of Brian.
What the fuck are you doing here? You know you're not supposed to are you out of your No, I'm not out of my I just came down to see you off, that's all.
So stop worrying.
I'm fine.
Just don't let my mom see you.
You know how hysterical she gets.
Your mom? Right.
We made just enough lunches.
I guess he's not coming, honey.
I thought I'd convinced him to change his mind.
Michael! Get your asses on board, you guys.
Come on.
And save me a seat.
Coming? Debbie! Carl! Sweet of you to come down here.
I told you you didn't have to do that.
Yes, I did.
I couldn't leave without telling you Ma, would you get on the bus? I got to go.
I'll call you when I get there.
Can you wait a goddamn minute? I've been trying to ask you for the last two days.
Will you marry me? What? I said, marry me.
Will you marry me? Tell him yes, and get on the bus.
Yes.
Yes.
Of course I'll marry you.
Fuck! Bye.
Bye.
Keep the change.
Thank you.
Shit! Hey.
Hey! Hey! Stop stop the bus! Stop the fucking bus! Hey! Made it.
Knew you would.
Where the fuck have you been? I come home, you're not here, I look everywhere, frantic.
I was about to call the hospital, the police, the morgue.
I thought something terrible had happened.
Would you calm down? No, I will not calm down.
You scared the shit out of me.
Sorry.
I can tell.
I went to the Liberty Ride send-off.
Why would you do that? After everyone told you to spite me? That's right, honey.
Make it all about you, as usual.
You're the one who has a right to be angry, to be indignant, to feel betrayed.
Well, guess what, my shikseh goddess? You don't call me that.
This time it isn't about you.
It's about me.
I went out because if I stayed in this house another minute with you, I'd go out of my fucking mind.
So I left for 10 minutes.
Okay, half-hour, tops.
I drove over to Liberty Avenue, said my goodbyes, and drove back.
And look.
Here I am.
Miracle of miracles, alive and still in one piece.
We can't go on doing the all-female version of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?".
It's just too exhausting.
You can't forgive me, no matter how much I apologize and try to make it up to you.
And I'm starting not to care.
I mean, after all, how many times can someone reject you before you finally just give up? So what are you saying? That perhaps it's best for both of us and for Gus and the baby if we aren't together.
That we stop putting each other through needless hell.
Trying to repair something which obviously can't be fixed.
I think you're right.
I'll stay until after the baby's born.
How is the lunch? I made it with my own two hands.
How about those lemon bars, huh? Aren't they to die for? Ma, would you sit down and stop showing off? I'm allowed.
How many times in your life do you get an engagement ring? Elizabeth Taylor, eight times, twice from Richard Burton.
Jennifer Lopez, three.
Julia Roberts, four.
Thank you.
You know what I mean.
When a man gives you a ring, it's special.
It's meaningful.
Well I wouldn't know.
Then maybe it's time you found out.
Found out what? Michael Novotny you are the man Ive been looking for all my life.
I am so very blessed to have found you.
Which is why Im asking you to do me the honour of accepting my hand in marriage.
We're going to Toronto where gay marriage is not only accepted, its it's legal.
And like you said, that's what two people do when they love each other, right? I don't know what what to say.
"Yes" would be good.
Everyone, a toast to my friend Malcolm.
Happy birthday! Hey, Justin.
I could give you a line the party's to welcome you to L.
A.
But it's a birthday bash for my friend, Malcolm.
He just won an Oscar for scoring his first film.
Your house is amazing.
Yeah.
I call it the house that "V Men" built.
Soon you'll have a house that "Rage" built.
Joseph, Mr.
Taylor will be staying with us for a few days.
Would you take his bag to the guest house? I have a butler.
Just like Bruce Wayne.
Hey, ken, how's it going? Great, Brett.
Now, let's get you a drink.
The meeting's all set for Thursday at the studio.
We'll go by my office tomorrow, I'll show you some of the storyboards we've come up with.
Brettski.
Hey, Con, I thought you couldn't make it? Just got back from location.
This is Justin Taylor, he created "Rage".
Let me tell you, Bretts obsessed with your comic.
Justin, this is Connor James.
I know, I know.
Calls himself an actor.
A few others do too.
Including me.
I think you're great.
Thanks.
What would you think of Con for Rage? He I mean, you would be wonderful.
Get me a script when you have it.
Is he? Of course not.
Connor's as straight as they come.
He's out banging bitches every night.
There's the CN Tower.
And that's the Skydome.
All very scenic.
But the one site one mustn't miss while visiting Toronto is Church Street.
According to the Damron Guide, "it's the centre of Toronto gay life.
>From its colourful neighbourhood bar, Moosie's, to its thumpa-thumpa dance club, Gomorrah.
" Oh, let's go to Gomorrah.
Sounds hot.
Probably the only place in Toronto that is.
I'm frigging freezing.
You're probably going to think Im crazy, but you know what this street reminds me of? Liberty Avenue.
Leather daddies, twinks, bears, drag queens.
It's all pretty much the same, wherever you go.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Except here everybody's so fucking polite and refined, you could shit.
Hey, here's Moosie's.
Good.
Let's go in here and get warm.
First round's on me.
Wait.
You'll have a Canada Dry.
And if anyone asks you how old you are I'll just say what I used to say: "How old would you like me to be?" We'll go there later after we're done.
Okay.
Thanks.
I don't know about you, but I'm having a gay-ja vu.
You too? Make it three.
It really reminds me of Woody's! And the strangest thing of all is I keep expecting Brian to walk in.
Uh, Molsons.
Brian! Calm down.
Keep your pants on, or not.
How did you get here? Mikey, did no one ever tell you? In 1903, at Kitty Hawk in North Carolina, the Wright brothers invented this thing called - Flight! - Right.
What the fuck are you doing here? The Liberty Ride begins here, am I correct? So you came to cheer us on? Exactly, professor.
I cashed in 25,000 travel miles so I could come here and be your cheerleader.
No.
I'm going on the ride.
I'll be busting a nut for charity, same as you.
The natives are so friendly.
This is Jean-Claude.
He's French Canadian.
Bonsoir.
- Hi.
- Bonsoir.
Bonsoir.
Don't you just love it? J.
C.
Here has very kindly offered to show me how Canadians keep warm at night.
But, I said Sorry, Jean-Claude, um, but, uh, as much as I would love for you to, I'm here with my friend Ted.
So you'll just have to show someone else how to rub two sticks together.
Au revoir, mon ami.
Salut.
Bye.
What's going on? Oh, it's a stag for Roger and Dennis.
They're getting married.
Been together 32 years.
I'm glad you decided to come, but I don't know how in the hell you're going to make it.
Oh, I might just surprise you.
Thanks, but Ive had enough surprises.
Ben proposed.
Proposed what? Marriage.
It's legal for us to get married here in Toronto.
I believe I read that somewhere.
Well, I hope while he was down on his knees he did something useful.
It was beautiful, and heartfelt.
I'm sure.
But you declined, of course, because deep down, you still love me best.
Shut up.
I didn't given him an answer yet.
Well, what's stopping you? Besides the fact that it's the most pathetic idea Ive ever heard? It just so happens that a lot of gay men want to get married.
Darling, have you seen them? And since when did you ever have the least interest in getting married? I didnt.
But not because I didn't want to, but because I never thought I could.
It wasn't a story I told myself like straight kids did, you know.
That some day I'd meet that special person, and we'd fall in love and have a big wedding.
It it was never real for me.
And all this stuff started happening: In Massachusetts, and California, and here.
And all of a sudden, a whole, wide world of wonderful opportunities just opened up.
Vows and rice and registering at pottery barn.
Not to mention an acrimonious divorce, an ugly settlement, and having your kid hate you.
Look, listen to me.
Are you listening? I'm listening.
We're queer.
We don't need marriage.
We don't need the sanction of dickless politicians and pederast priests.
We fuck who we want to, when we want to.
That is our god-given right.
But it's also our god-given right to have everything that straight people have.
Because we're every bit as much human as they are.
Well, you're a writer.
Rewrite the story.
Congratulations.
Hm.
This is touching, don't you think? I do.
I do.
Ben, did you hear what I just said? Yeah, I heard you.
You said "I " I'm going to need stage seven for Rage's lair, and the entire back lot to build Gayopolis.
There are a few other pictures we'd like to shoot here.
This is the only one that I'm directing.
Ya punk.
You sound like I've already given you the green light.
So what's stopping you? The price tag for starters.
This little epic of yours is going to cost me a fucking fortune.
You can afford it.
My last picture made you 250 million.
Yeah.
This one's different.
A gay superhero? The world's ready for it.
Maybe your world, but not Topeka.
If it's good, if it's got a big enough star, if you hype the shit out of it, they'll go.
Right? Guys? It all looks pretty grim and depressing to me.
Who wants to see a kid get his head bashed in? And what about all this sex? Blow-jobs and butt-fucking on every page.
It's something the audience has never seen before.
What makes you think they want to see it now? The concession stand's going to have a hell of a time selling Hershey bars.
Look, you want to go with the gay thing, you're going to cut back on the ass business, and it's got to be cheerier.
And why does your hero have to be so fucking arrogant? Excuse me, Mr.
Fenderman, but our comic book was conceived that way for a reason.
Because a lot of the shit that gay people go through is grim.
I ought to know, I'm a kid who got his head bashed in.
As far as the ass business, getting your butt fucked is one of the great pleasures, and privileges of being gay.
If you haven't experienced it yourself, I recommend it.
As far as Rage is concerned, just because he has no apologies for who he is, and no regrets about his life doesn't make him arrogant.
It makes him honest and brave.
So despite your concerns, we prefer to be true to our original vision.
Rage wouldn't expect anything less.
We are here today to join in matrimony Mr.
Michael Novotny and Mr.
Benjamin Bruckner.
Christ, this is the last time Im going to a wedding with two queens.
Do you, Michael, promise to love, respect and cherish Ben and be his true and faithful husband? I do.
And do you, Ben, promise to love, respect and cherish Michael and be his true and faithful husband? Say I do, dude.
I do.
If anyone knows of any reason why these two people should not be joined in marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace.
You say one word, you're gonna be holding more than your peace.
The rings, please.
Now by the authority of the Province of Ontario, I pronounce you to be legally married.
I'm not losing a son, huh? I'm gaining a son.
You're next, ma.
God, you barely shed a tear at Mel and Linz's ceremony.
Well, they're dykes, for chrissakes.
They shake hands and go bowling.
How much can you get choked up? Oh, Michael, we have to sign this.
There we go.
Gladly.
Anyway, it's not just for Michael and Ben.
You know, if things had been different, maybe I cannot believe we are married.
No point in beating yourself up, Teddy.
We're still friends, aren't we? Which means we'll be around a lot longer than most marriages.
All right, you boys stick together, all right? And look out for each other.
We will, ma.
Shit.
I just called you "boys".
You're married men now.
Go on before I start bawling.
Someone mention balling? And you, I want you to take it easy, you hear me? Don't act like some fucking superhero.
Yes, mother.
Okay.
I'm going to be on the food wagon, keeping an eye out for all of you.
Riders, are you ready? Okay, then, Liberty Ride 2004, Toronto to Pittsburgh, officially begins! Yeah! Moo!