Rules of Engagement s04e13 Episode Script

Hey, honey, we should get going.
Why do dresses never look as good at home as they do in the store? It's because mannequins have such great bodies.
I I mean, not that you Forget it.
Wait, are you eating ice cream? Uh-huh.
No, we're going out to a nice dinner.
Put it back.
All right, Mom.
Hey, honey, are you okay? I mean, you sure you wanna do this tonight? Of course I do.
There's nothing I want more than to marry you.
I'm just nervous.
I know, I'm nervous too.
That's why I need the ice cream.
Come here.
It's your wedding day.
If you want ice cream, go nuts.
Oh, do we have nuts? Don't make me rethink tonight.
Jeff and Audrey are gonna be surprised, huh? That's the point of doing it this way.
Russell ask why you were leaving work early? No, I told him I was sick.
He said the gay guy, Mel from accounting, was sick too and then he jumped to some pretty graphic conclusions.
Where is my dry-cleaning? I don't know.
Here it is.
Where's my purse? I don't know.
Oh.
Here it is.
Oh, God.
Where's my cell phone? I don't know.
Oh.
Here it is.
Hey Hey! Where's my gun? What? Nothing.
I'm just tired of the old frantic routine trying to get ready to go out.
Well, I'm sorry, I do a little more than throw on a sport coat and forget to reapply deodorant.
This restaurant Adam and Jen are taking us to is very fancy, and they don't have a lot of money.
Don't order anything pricey.
I got a hankering for free lobster.
No lobster.
Fine, I'll eat that box of Pop-Tarts.
That'll save them the price of an appetizer.
No, no.
We'll just We can split a salad.
Oh, can we? All right.
How do I look? You know.
Why do I bother? Yeah, why do you? # How many ways To say, "I love you?" # # How many ways To say that I'm not scared? # # With you by my side # # There is no denyin' # # I can't wait For me and you # Hey, uh, Jen wanted me to check to see if you guys are ready.
I am.
Audrey's not.
Well, can you push her along? "Can I push her along"? It's just that tonight is kind of important, and we sort of have a schedule.
All right, you wanna try? Go in.
Dude.
Dude, dude, she's She's wearing her underwear.
Why the hell did you send him in there? You were just dressed.
What happened? I decided to change.
Can you ever, for once in your whole life ever just be helpful? You want helpful? Okay, how's this? You look the same in everything, I'm hungry, hurry up.
You are such an ass.
Maybe we just shouldn't even go.
Oh, no.
Then I wouldn't get to not have lobster and half a salad.
Dude, why don't you go without us.
She's about to turn green and bust out of her clothes.
She's the Hulk.
Look, you have to come with us tonight.
Why? Well, there's a special secret reason.
I don't care.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, only if you promise not to tell Audrey.
I promise.
Okay.
Tonight, before we go to the restaurant, we are going to City Hall.
Jen and I are getting married.
Oh! Good for you, buddy.
Yeah.
Yeah? Oh, yeah.
Right.
Oh! Jesus.
We're holding hands now.
Yeah.
Anyway, that's why I wanted you to go.
Why'd you guys decide to do it now? Jen's parents have been pressuring her to have this big wedding, and tell Jen to do one thing, she's gonna do the other.
I didn't know Audrey was selling franchises.
Count us in.
Great.
Oh, remember, don't tell Audrey.
You got it.
They're getting married? Tonight? Yes.
And we're the witnesses but we're not supposed to know? Excellent repeating of everything I just said.
Oh, my God.
I I don't know what to say.
I I didn't expect this.
You didn't win an Oscar, Audrey.
Well, I have to change into something nicer.
I mean, I am the maid of honor.
You're married, so actually you are the matron of honor.
You need to change too.
Why? Because it's just us, so you're like the best man.
Boy, that's crazy ironic.
Hello, there.
One large chicken noodle soup to go, please.
Anything else? No, no, just the soup today, thank you.
My friend's not feeling well, see? Chicken soup won't cure what he's spreading around.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's for Adam.
FYI, I'm on some experimental pills from Mexico and so far, so bueno.
Dude, you have to do this? We're gonna be late for the movie.
I don't have to, I want to.
Mr.
Rhodes left work feeling sick.
Some nice hot soup will do him well.
I mean, I could understand if you want to have sex with the guy, but Wait, do you want to have sex with the guy? I'm just being a good friend.
If you were a better friend, maybe people would invite you out more often.
Hm? You ever consider that? Hm? I get invited out plenty.
Being asked to leave doesn't count as being invited out.
Okay, everything's on track, Jeff and Audrey are just about ready.
Does this dress look good on me? Yeah, it looks great.
No it doesn't.
You're insane.
Okay, it doesn't look great.
Oh, don't bother.
Your opinion is useless.
I'm gonna go ask Audrey.
Yay, I get that forever.
Where's Audrey? I want to ask her how I look in this dress.
You look fine.
Shut up.
Audrey is definitively selling franchises.
Hey.
Oh.
You changed.
You look nice.
Well, how gay of you to notice.
Hey, Jen.
Oh, I am so excited about tonight.
Me too.
What do you think of this dress? Uh, not great on the boobs, even worse on the arms.
Thank you.
Couldn't just do that, could you? Fine.
Your legs look weird too.
No, but I Just go.
I was trying to say But Give me the key.
Oh, hold on, I left it inside.
He locked us out.
Oh.
These are the times I wish I'd learned magic.
Oh, my God, so now I have no boobs, giant arms, weird legs.
I can't go out like this.
People will think I am a transvestite.
That will not reflect well on me.
All right.
Calm down.
You can borrow something of mine.
Thank you.
So you've been dealing with this getting-ready-to-go-out drama for, like, 14 years? Oh, yeah.
How do you handle it? I have developed a pretty effective method.
I'll show you.
Want me to show you again? No, it's okay.
I got it.
I'm gonna show you again.
Oh.
Hey, uh, didn't we give you a spare key the time we went out of town a while back? You sure did.
I never told you this, but that week Audrey had me use your toilet.
Anyway, I I can't remember if it was before or after we changed our lock, but could you get the key? I'll give it a try.
Yeah.
You still have that bottle of Scotch that I gave you for your birthday? Yeah.
All right.
If this key works, bring it back.
But that was a gift.
Look, you had it for three weeks, it's public domain.
Stupid key.
Dumb door.
Mr.
Rhodes? Oh, hey, Timmy.
Russell.
I thought you were sick.
I am.
Why are you all dressed up? Okay, Russell, you were right.
I'm going out with Mel from accounting.
All right, worst liar ever, what's going on? I can't tell you.
Really? What if I just stare at you like this? Okay, okay, okay.
I'll tell you the truth.
Jen and I are going out with Jeff and Audrey.
Hm.
Doesn't seem that clandestine.
Yeah, if clandestine means not boring.
What's the big cover-up? Well, before dinner, um we are having an intervention.
For Jeff's drinking.
Makes sense.
No surprise there.
All right, what about this one? Whoa.
I don't know.
It's a little dated.
Oh.
Yeah, that one has been in there a while.
The tags are still on.
Yeah.
I I bought it years ago and never wore it.
This store opened last month.
Okay.
Would you just pick a dress? Well, I don't know about any of these.
Well, then stick with what you have on.
It looks great.
And we can hide it with a shawl.
No, no, I can't! Tonight's just too important.
I know.
I mean its dinner.
It's a very important meal.
I guess.
There is actually one dress I think would work for me.
Okay, good.
Which one? Well, actually, it's the one you're wearing.
I've always loved it.
Oh, but No, you're right.
Forget it, it's way too much to ask.
No.
You know what? It isn't.
Here, unzip me.
Yes, unzip her.
What are you doing? I was on my way to the bathroom when I stumbled upon this delightful tableau.
Big surprise we weren't invited to Mr.
Bingham's intervention, thank you very much.
Why do you wanna go to an intervention anyway? Are they serving chicken tikka masala? No.
Lamb? No.
I would want to do it to help a friend.
But thanks to my association with you, I'm excluded from doing something of value and instead am going to see What film did you choose again? Stewardess School Blues.
Ugh.
Stewardess School Blues.
Sounds in keeping with your "no booby, no watchy" policy.
Yeah, I guess it's about a bunch of chicks who are studying to be stewardesses and then they get sad about something.
But you gotta figure they get cheered up, right? I don't care.
I don't want to see it.
In fact, we're not going to see a movie.
We're going back to help our friends.
Oh, come on.
It got three stars from Boing.
com.
They're though.
All right, I think we're all ready.
Whoa, look at you.
You look smoking hot.
I mean, really gorgeous.
Um, that's my dress, Jeff.
Not anymore.
All right.
How do I look in this one? You know.
That was really rude, Jeff.
But thank you.
What did you say, beer? Why, yes, I will come and drink you.
What are you guys doing here? I don't know.
Ask the Indian Mr.
Rogers.
Mr.
Rhodes, now I realize we weren't invited, but I'd like to offer my help as a friend.
With the intervention.
With the what? The intervention? Oh, yeah.
That.
Yes, I'll have you know, I have experience in this matters.
In fact, I facilitated an intervention back in my days at the university.
Man, you have a sick vocabulary.
Yeah, yeah.
I bet you're great at that, um What's that game with all the words? Scrabble? Hey, you're the word guy.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing here? Me and Timmy just stopped by.
You know, as friends will do.
So going to dinner? Well, it's not really just dinner.
Oh, you know? Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you? Yeah.
And you're cool with it? To the extent that I give a crap.
We all knew it was gonna happen sooner or later.
Huh.
Well, uh, you think it'll make a difference? Nah, nothing's gonna change.
It'll be a big to-do, Audrey'll cry.
Then it's right back to the same old same old.
Jeff, wait.
You really think you should be drinking Ooh, Pop-Tarts.
All right.
Oh, great, we are all finally ready.
Let's hit it.
Yeah, but first, a toast.
A A toast? Yeah.
Jeff, do we have some champagne? I may have a bottle hidden away somewhere.
I bet you do.
Go get it.
Mrs.
Bingham, are you sure this is wise? Wise? Who cares about wise? Let's get our drink on, Timmy.
Mrs.
Bingham, you're enabling him.
Um, actually, I'm enabling all of us to have a really good time.
Jeff gets really grouchy if he loses his buzz.
I found a bottle.
But what's everybody else gonna drink? Mr.
Rhodes, I don't understand what's happening here.
Oh, he's saying he's gonna drink the whole bottle himself.
No, what I meant was Okay, look, never mind.
All right, listen up.
We all know what's really happening tonight.
They do? Adam, did you tell them? Yes, he did.
And it's a good thing I came, because you're all shockingly bad at this.
So if I may.
Mr.
Bingham, this is an intervention.
Your drinking is destroying your life.
You're hurting yourself, those closest to you, and I want you to know we are all here tonight to confront you with love and compassion.
Everyone.
Everyone.
Still just me? Hey, what the hell is going on? Okay, okay, here's what happened.
Timmy, get off Jeff.
I ran into Russell and Timmy, and in order to not tell them we're getting married tonight, I told them we are having an intervention.
Oh, I'd buy that.
Good thinking.
You're getting married tonight? Yeah, I'm the maid of honor.
Matron.
How about widow? You told Audrey? No, I only told Jeff.
I told.
You weren't supposed to.
You weren't supposed to tell me.
You weren't supposed to tell anybody.
Congrats, though.
So, what are you going to wear? Okay, that's it.
You know This was supposed to be a fun surprise, but the night's is turning into a disaster.
I'm not wearing my own dress, Adam has ice cream on his tie.
Not from tonight, though, just to defend myself.
And if you think about it, why do we even have to do this at all? What do you mean? We love each other.
We have a great thing.
Why do we have to go through all the trouble to make it official? Who cares? I know I don't.
Are you sure? I'm 100 percent sure I do not care.
Let's just go home.
Okay.
Well, um I guess we're just gonna call it a night.
Hold on a second here.
We're not just gonna call it a night.
You wanna have the intervention? No.
Look, maybe this is the Scotch talking, or possibly the beer, or the wine cooler I found in my sports bag this morning.
Guys, are we sure we don't want this intervention? Look, I think that you guys should get married tonight.
Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I think people who are living together should be married.
You feel different.
You know? You become a team, working together.
He's right.
It's like Audrey, not now, please.
You guys both know what a pain in the ass it is to meet somebody and get them to like you.
You guys are lucky that you found each other.
So let's just lock this in and do it, and stop annoying me.
I'm kind of on Jeff's side.
You know what, Audrey? Please.
Can we still make it to City Hall in time? Well, it's gonna be tight, but we can make it.
Let's go.
Aye, aye, aye.
See, sir? Doesn't helping friends feel better than watching jiggly flight attendants bounce up and down? I feel I've answered my own question.
To Adam and Jen.
Yeah! Cheers! And I wanna thank Jeff for making the great speech that pushed us to follow through with our plan to get married tonight.
It's ironic.
If he hadn't take so much time with his speech, we might have made it to City Hall in time.
But if he hadn't made the speech, you wouldn't even have tried to Never mind.
Well, I'm happy.
This just buys Adam more time to bail.
Not gonna happen, buddy.
Well, that's what my dad said when I asked him if he was gonna bail on my mom.
And, sure enough Maybe next time you'll decide to have a real wedding.
That was a good day.
Aw.
This one here, she looked like a movie star.
Oh.
You see? All of you who constantly ask me, "why?" Every so often he steps up.
I didn't say what movie star.
That's okay, Jeff.
Ernest Borgnine's a movie star.
Shut up.
Okay, I've got four Diet Cokes, one lemonade and a Scotch rocks.
Scotch? Who knew the diner served booze? I did.
But we didn't even get married.
I know, I just want to practice carrying you across the threshold.
Good thing the super had another key.
All right, here it goes.
Oh! God.
All right.
It's not working.
Hold on.
Oh! Okay! Stop it! Put me down! Okay.