South Park s04e13 Episode Script

Captioning provided by comedy central ? I'm going down to south park? ? Gonna have myself a time? ? Friendly faces everywhere? ? Humble folks without temptation? ? Going down to south park? ? Gonna leave my woes behind? ? Ample parking day or night? ? People spouting "howdy neighbor"? ? Headed on up to south park? ? Gonna see if i can't unwind? ? So come on down to south park? ? And meet some friends of mine? Doctor, doctor, will our daughter be okay? I am sorry, mr.
And mrs.
Keller, But i'm afraid your daughter helen Still cannot see, hear or speak.
Oh, no, no! Ere, ere my good ife.
There is nothing we can do.
Oh, my poor little helen! Timmy! She can't see or hear us, john! Hagh, timmy! Es, erhaps she should go do an asyluh.
Stan, what the hell is wrong with you, i can't understand your lines! Cuz de eard urts my face! Can we take a lunch break now? No, if we want our play to be better than the kindergartner's play, We have to rehearse as much as possible! Now let's continue the scene! Hello, my name is anne sullivan And i believe i can teach this child to communicate.
Eally, you hink so? Water, helen, wa-Ter.
Hagh, timmy! Dammit, timmy, helen keller isn't supposed to talk! You guys, we've got a big problem! What is it, butters? The kindergartners, i just came from their dress rehearsal! Oh it's good, you guys, it's real good! How good? They've got pilgrim outfits and indian ones too! They've got singing and dancing, and boy, you've never seen such a show! Why, it's a thanksgiving extravaganza! Oh no! We can't be outdone by the kindergartners! No! We can't! Alright, alright, quiet down! Look, we've still got four days until the thanksgiving festival.
That's plenty of time to revamp our play! Revamp how, the rules are that the fourth-Grade class Has to perform "the helen keller story"! Yeah, but nobody told us howwe have to do it.
We can add thanksgiving stuff and music numbers too! Well, we can add music numbers, But how do we make the helen keller story more thanksgiving-Y? I know, how about instead of a dog Helen keller has a pet turkey! Yeah, a turkey that can do tricks! Yeah! That's the spirit, gang! Alright, stan and wendy, you go out and find some musical instruments! Kenny and clyde take some kids And buy some thanksgiving decorations for the sets! Kyle and timmy, you go out and find a turkey! This is gonna be the best version of "the miracle worker" ever! Yea! Yea! What kind of turkey are you looking for? A smart one that can do tricks! Well, i ain't got a whole lot left, it being almost thanksgiving and all.
But go ahead, just pick one out.
Timmy! Oh, that one's a little messed up.
Not exactly the pick of the litter.
Hahgh! Uh, timmy, if we go back to other kids with that turkey, They're gonna be pissed.
Timmy! Yeah, best you not take that one.
I was just about to take it out in the yard and put a bullet in its head.
What, aw, dude, don't say that! Timmy, timmy! Alright, we'll take him, how much? Fifty bucks.
But you were just gonna take it in the backyard and put a bullet in its head! I know, now i gotta find something else to shoot! Goddammit, here! Alright, timmy, let's go.
I've got a one-Legged pig if you'd like, too.
Aw, blow it out your ass! Guys, i want you all to meet geoffrey maynard.
He's south park's biggest expert on musical theater And he played the lead inles miserables At the denver community playhouse for five weeks! Do you think we can make up a good thanksgiving play in four days? ? I would swear it on my life? ? Your play shall want for nothing? Hooray! Hooray! Now, the first thing any good musical needs is a big opening number! Something that sets up the entire show.
Alright, places everybody, bring in the turkey! What the hell is that? It's a turkey.
His name is gobbles.
Gobbles! And where, pray, is our beautiful trick-Performing turkey? Um, we sort of spent all the money on this one.
Gobbles! Kyle, can i talk to you over here for a second? Kyle, why do you do these things to me? I didn't do anything to you! Timmy saw the turkey and wanted to get it.
What did you want me to say to him? You say "no, timmy, you can't have that turkey, bad timmy!" Look, i know it isn't exactly what we wanted, but maybe we can train it.
He's not gonna work, kyle.
The whole point is to make our play better than the kindergartners! Yeah, that turkey sucks.
Wait ? What's that you say? ? A thanksgiving turkey is what you require? ? I know of a turkey? You do?! ? During my years on broadway? ? I worked with a turkey that could do all kinds of tricks? ? She even jumped through a hoop of fire? Cool, can you get it for us? ? I will go promptly and call her trainer? ? On the morrow you shall have your trick performing turkey? Alright! Alright! Gobbles! Gobbles! Ergh, ergh.
Hargh, gobbles! Gobbles.
Gobbles! No, no, no! Poopsiekins, it's late, you need to be in bed.
I can't sleep, mom, i have to write the lyrics to the opening song Of our helen keller thanksgiving spectacular.
Now, hon.
But mom! I have to write these lyrics so the plight of helen keller Can be realized by the common ma-An! Twenty more minutes and that's it.
Twenty minutes, did tim rice's mom give him twenty minutes To write the lyrics to phantom of the opera?! Speak to me, helen.
Let me be your voice.
Come on, you blind bitch, channel your spirit through me! Tonight, we present the story of a courageous girl And her fight against depression.
Oppression! Oppression.
Our play begins in a simpler time.
Alabama, in the late 1800s ? 1800s? ? Alabama? ? What a great place in time? ? We're so happy that we live in 1800s alabama? ? 'Cause it's sunny and there is no crime? Now to the refrain! ? And in our little town of 1800s alabama? ? There's a family by the name of keller? ? Their daughter's deaf and mute and blind as a bat? ? And her parents can't even tell her? Excuse me, i am lamonde, the animal trainer.
Oh cool, he's here! Awesome, do you have a turkey that can do tricks?! Ahp, ahp, do not call them "tricks".
She's a very sensitive turkey, And she performs "feats" not "tricks".
Ladies and gentlemen, may i present the most beautiful bird in america.
Four-Time prize winner at the national western stock show And reigning poster child of turkeylovers.
Com.
I give you alinicia! Oooh! Whoa! Wow! Her feathers are beautiful! That's the prettiest turkey i ever saw.
Of course she is.
Okay, now we can really get this thing underway! Places, everybody, where the hell is timmy? Timmy! What is that? Uh, that's gobbles, the physically challenged turkey.
Gobbles! Gobbles? Timmy, we already got a turkey.
Yeah, and it's from broadway! Gobbles! No, timmy, the handicapped turkey does not go in our play! Dude, don't forget, timmy's the only kid who can play helen keller.
Don't piss him off.
That's right, only timmy knows the part.
Timmy.
Oh, jesus, okay, fine! Helen keller can have two pet turkeys! My turkey does not work with other turkeys! Oh, goddammit, now what are we gonna do? Alright, alright.
Alright, alright! Dude, we need your turkey for our play! She's not coming out, she's very upset.
She's pooped all over the room.
I know, i know, but listen.
Let me try to explain the position i'm in here.
The retarded turkey belongs to our friend timmy, And timmy is the only person who knows the part of helen keller.
So tell me what i can do here to make everybody happy.
Kill the other turkey.
I can't, dude, timmy has a boner for it.
Well, it could meet with an Unfortunate accident.
Unfortunate accident? You mean like geena davis getting her own t.
V.
Show? Ha ha ha- Oh It's very simple.
Either that turkey meets with an unfortunate accident, Or you don't have a feat-Performing turkey For your helen keller thanksgiving musical! Alright, alright, just get your turkey To stop crapping all over the dressing room and come out for rehearsal.
I'll take care of everything.
Water, helen, it has a name! Oh, why can't you understand?! Duh, agh! ? Wat-Er he-Len wa-Ter? ? She's never gonna do it? ? There's no way she'll ever do it? ? Spell it helen water helen? ? How can she talk if she can't hear? ? This is absolutely pointless? Okay, uh, hold it! Let's hold it right there a second.
Okay, i just want to adjust some of the blocking real quick.
Let's see Uh, why don't we have turkey number two Stand just a little more over m'yha Let's see, maybe a little bit more up in m'yha And just a wee bit over m'yha And right about M'hya.
There we go, good.
Oh my gah, ey killed kenny! Ooohhh! Crap, i must have rigged the wrong light.
? Let him rest? ? In peace let him rest? ? Why must he die? They've got special effects! What, butters? The kindergartners, they've got amazing stage effects! Pyrotechnics and what have yous! Why, it's a regular feast for the eyes! Oh no! We're never gonna outdo them now! Oh no! Special effects?! Calm down, calm down! We can have special effects too! Now i know a lot is going wrong, But we've got to stick together to make this play work.
All of us.
? And into your hands? Gobbles! Aaahh, gobbles! Little boy! Timmy.
Yes, tim.
I feel i must speak with you.
The others, well, they don't want you to know, but- Oh, i don't know what to do, should i tell you? Timmy? I feel i'm the only one who can be honest with you.
The animal shelter is on its way to take your turkey away from you.
Gobbles?! You see, they don't allow children in your "situation" To have wild animals as pets.
You can't take him running, you can't take care of him.
They have to take it away.
Gobbles! They take wild pets away from people like you And hand them over for experiments.
And they're shocked, dissected and flayed While they're still alive.
And no matter where you go the shelter people will find you.
The only way for that turkey to avoid years of torture, Is for you to let him go, back into the wild.
Oh no, here they come now! Quick, go and set your turkey free! I'll try to stall them.
Timmy! Excuse me, we're here to install the water effects for the musical.
The stage is right through there.
Thanks.
Alright, i've got to write the new lyrics.
Let's see No, no! Goddammit! ? How is it going eric? Terrible, i can't write the lyrics for the third act.
Nothing's coming to me! Well, you know, in theater sometimes we try different tricks To get the creative juices flowing.
Like what? Let's see, helen keller was blind and deaf, Perhaps you should see what it is like.
? Deprive yourself of your senses? ? And see what plays inside your mind? Here.
Hey, that's not a bad idea.
? Just relax? ? Just try to let your mind wander and let the juices flow? Oh, man! Well, did you see anything? No, just the same old crap i always see when i close my eyes.
Oh, that's too bad.
Wait, i've got it! The perfect setup for when helen keller's pet turkey Jumps through the hoop of fire! Yes! Yes, i have it now! The only way for that turkey to avoid years of torture, Is for you to let him go.
Let him go let him go.
Gobbles.
Gobbles! Gobbles.
Gobbles! Gobbles! Timmy.
Timmy, gobbles.
Daddy, why did mommy leave and go to heaven? She didn't want to, kevin, she had no choice.
But i miss her.
I could have done so much more with my life, son.
I've wasted it.
Not ever telling you and monica I love you.
Robbie! Robbie, no! Because now every time i look at you I see her.
I have to move on.
Kelly, please, don't do this.
I'm sorry! Then why did you do it? I don't know! Have you done the right things in your life? Hi, sheila! Hello, sharon, where's your husband? He's in the back.
He set up a video camera so that he could tape the performance.
Oh, so did gerald.
Oh yeah, i got a great angle here.
Hey gerald, maybe after the show We can make copies of each other's tapes, so we have both.
Good idea! So wait Do we do the spin around thing on the last beat? No, ude, on ne n and ne hree.
You ready for the big show, timmy? Where's gobbles, timmy? Gobbles.
Alright, everybody, let's take our places! Cartman, where is timmy's turkey? I don't know.
I don't know, you guys! Alright, maybe i tried to have timmy's turkey crushed by a stagelight, But i didn't do anything else, i'm not an asshole! You're going to be brilliant! You sexy, gorgeous turkey.
With that other meddling animal out of the way, You'll steal the show! Well, well, what are you doing out here? You shouldn't be out walking the streets.
Hello, parents, and welcome to the 13th annual south park thanksgiving pageant.
Every year the 4th graders do "the miracle worker", And every year i have to sit and watch it.
Yeah, i swore that if i had to see it one more time, I'd put a bullet in my head.
But luckily i got really stoned before i came.
And now here it is, the touching story of helen keller, "The miracle worker".
? Helen keller helen keller blind as a bat? ? She can't hear or speak what's up with that? This is "the miracle worker"? I Well, maybe.
Ohh-Oh, ha-Ha, wow! Come on, ya, move it! Holy crow, look, boys! A real live wild turkey! It's trying to outsmart us! Come on, fellas! ? John come quick our little baby's very sick? ? When i snap she doesn't flinch? ? I wave she doesn't move an inch? ? Wha else an it be arlin you are aring me? She can't hear me, john, watch! Helen! Helen! Helen! ? I think our baby's deaf and blind oh nooooo? Oh no! ? Oh no oh nooooooo? She's brilliant, everyone loves her so far! Hey, the fountains you guys installed are shorting out some of our lights! Look, we're only here to do the water effects.
We're not in charge of electrical.
That's a different union.
Timmy? Union mafia bastards! Oh, ha-Ha.
Well, look, tim, all's fair in love and theater, right? Ha, ha.
Gobbles! Where is timmy, he's on in one minute! He's gone, dude, butters says he saw him leave.
Leave, leave?! But nobody else knows the part of helen keller! I do, i know the part.
If i must, i can go on.
Alright, fine, get in costume! Gobbles! There it is! Hey, hey, i saw it first, i get the first shot! Here, turkey-Turkey.
There is nothing we can do for our poor daughter.
We cannot reach her.
? I cannot hear what they are saying? ? I cannot tell them how i feel? What the hell is he doing, helen keller isn't supposed to sing! ? If only i could say things that go on in my mind? Oh, wow! That's it.
Gobbles! Gotcha! Gobbles! Timmy? Gobbles? Gobbles! Hagh! Oh, thank god you're alright, kid.
It was an accident, i swear! Is there any way we can make it up to you? Timmy Yes, that's it! That's it, helen, water! Wa-Ter! Wa-Wa! She did it! ? She did it she did it? ? Water water water ahhhhh? ? Water helen? ? Wa-Ter? ? We can't believe she did it? ? The dumb kid really did it? ? Water helen? ? Wa-Ter? ? And now that i can communicate? ? The world is not so cold and dark? ? Water helen ahahhhh? Here it comes, angel, your big finale! The audience is going to go wild! Oh, back already? Don't worry, maynard covered your part flawlessly.
Timmy! Turkey shoot! Aaghgh! Alinicia, jesus, no! Hagh, timmy! Okay, we're ready for the- What the hell did you assholes do?! This is supposed to be the big finale Where the turkey jumps through the ring of fire! Hey, look! Oohhh! Oh wow, wow! They loved it, they loved it! Gobbles! And finally tonight, parents, We have the south park kindergarten class.
Their play is titled "thanksgiving, mon ami".
Okay, here we go.
Oh, dude, it can't be better than ours! It just can't be! ? Thanksgiving dinner let's all eat? ? E-I-E-I-O? ? And for our dinner we'll invite some indians? ? E-I-E-I-O? ? With an indian here and an indian there? ? Everywhere an indian indian? ? Oh thanks-? Aaghgh! Happy thanksgiving! Alright, see ya next year, parents! That's it? We worked our asses off to compete with that!? Butters told us their play was awesome! Wow, did you see that? They had a horse, too! Go-Bbles, timmy! Captioning provided by comedy central Captioned by soundwriters™