Modern Family s04e14 Episode Script

Okay, hold still, honey.
I'm afraid you're going to hit me again.
Don't worry.
I'm just putting this time.
I'm not the strongest golfer, and I think it's holding me back in business.
Too bad deals aren't closed in a trampoline park.
I'd just lazy-back into a Rudolph into a quadriffus right up the corporate ladder.
Hey, dad, you coming to my play tonight? "Your" play? You only painted the sets.
Yeah, and Michelangelo "only" painted the sixteenth chapel.
Maybe don't keep your face so close to the paint cans.
Sorry, buddy, I'm getting a golf lesson and then I'm playing with a client, but I'll try to make your next performance.
- Phil! - Little busy.
Oh, you always do this.
You cram stuff in the freezer without thinking about it.
I opened the door, and a frozen turkey almost fell on my foot.
I keep pulling it to the left.
Are we sure the house is level? Are you not the least bit sorry? I could have broken a toe.
Honey, I'm sorry for dozens of things every day that actually happen.
If I start apologizing for things that don't happen, how productive of a person would I be? Hey, your golf pro's here! - Hola, hola.
- Hello, everybody! Hey! Thanks so much for the quick lesson, Jay.
Just think of me as a blob of Clay, waiting for your experienced hands to caress and coax me-- First rule of golf-- Shh.
- Okay.
- Good.
If you're going to be a grump all day, why did you even say that you were going to teach him? Because he's how my grandkids get food.
There he is.
- Ay, thank you so much for taking care of the baby.
- Mm-hmm.
Cam has me running all kinds of errands for the play.
Yeah, well, you gotta keep your eye on the caller I.
D.
I have to go to the dry cleaners to pick up the costumes Mm-hmm.
Then I have to go get the dry ice for the fog machine.
Mm-hmm.
And maybe I'll go get Cam some flowers.
Oh, Alex can help you with all that.
Oh, perfect.
Okay, let's go.
We can't be late, or there won't be any dry ice in the house.
- Good one.
- What? You guys have fun.
Go on.
Nothing to worry about.
I got it handled here.
Be careful.
Don't worry, just keep your mouth open.
We're fine.
It's fine.
Okay, can I have everyone's attention, please? Reuben? Hit me with a spot.
That's a little harsh.
Throw a pink gel on that.
That's great.
Perfect.
All right, I will be recording today's rehearsal, but don't let that make you self-conscious.
I'm only using it to pinpoint your mistakes.
Secondly, I have granted full set access to Maureen Schick, who will be reviewing your show tonight.
Oh-oh, she's vicious.
Our last music teacher, Mr.
Namagachi, never recovered from her article, "anything blows.
" But in fairness, I saw that production, and the lead soprano was an absolute disaster.
No offense, Sophie.
You've blossomed since then, sweetie, okay? No batteries in her mic, okay? Great.
And lastly, Marcus Talbot.
Guys, he's feeling a little under the weather.
Fear not.
He's home resting his instrument, and he will be ready for the show tonight.
But I will need a phantom for this rehearsal.
So, anyone I guess I could help.
I don't know how Marcus ever got the lead.
But I know how he got sick-- from chewing all that scenery.
This was my chance to earn it back from that insincere phony.
But first, a silent prayer for our fallen Captain Marcus.
Godspeed, old friend.
This is boring.
Is he dead? No, he's not dead.
He's just sleeping.
Babies need to sleep a lot so they grow bigger and stronger and smarter.
- Hey, Mrs.
D.
- Hey, Lucy.
- Every time.
- Mm.
Well, that's a nice shirt.
Thanks.
I designed it myself.
It's my best seller.
I'm so jealous you know what you want to do with your life.
I wish I was inspired like you.
Or, you know, aim higher.
Open yourself up to some new experiences and find out what-- - Oh, my g-- - Are you okay? Fine.
Just slipped on one of your father's stupid golf balls.
Good, you woke him up.
Maybe he's hungry.
I just fed him, but I don't think bottles can live up to the real thing.
Maybe I can calm him down.
Oh, that's very sweet of you, but he's super fussy today.
And when babies are fussy, they--they - Wow.
- Yeah, I'm good with babies.
You should see him play peek-a-boo.
He's amazing.
No.
I'm good.
I know a guy in Chicago-- he's amazing.
Dang it! Are you kiddin' me? That divot flew out of there like a rocket.
I decided to go gentle with Phil, which didn't come easy to me, because I've always been a bit of a drill sergeant when it comes to sports.
And with the new baby, Gloria's been buggin' me to have more patience.
But come on.
He's been alive a month.
How hard is it to support your own head? What the hell? Hello, boys.
What a sweet ride, Pepper.
What are you guys doing here? I've been golfing for a few weeks.
Pepper's been teaching me.
I grew up golfing with my father, the great Chaim Saltzman.
Or as he was known around the clubhouse, Chad Treadwell.
Well, we should play together as a foursome.
First time that word's creeped me out, but okay.
Care to make it interesting? I think your pants have already done that.
How 'bout a hundred bucks? Me and Phil will play you and Mitch.
- Fun.
- Mitchell, care to go first? Oh, I Okay.
Yeah.
I'll-- I'll give it a whirl.
Running into my dad was no accident.
I wasn't the best athlete growing up, and my dad never missed an opportunity to point that out.
"Nice throw, Nancy!" Nancy was our neighbor.
I could never throw as well as she could.
I'd pretty much given up on beating my dad at anything until Pepper dragged me to a golf course one day.
Turns out I wasn't half bad.
Six months' practice later, I was ready to kick my dad's ass.
I knew just how I was gonna do it, too.
I'd walk up to the tee all nervous, do a few clumsy practice swings, and then I'd hit that ball dead center, watch it arc through the sky, land on the green, and totally wow my dad.
Wow.
It's over now The music of the night Okay.
Great job, everyone.
Thank you.
But it was really everyone.
Give yourself a round.
Oh, Marcus's mom.
Shh.
Fingers crossed.
Why is it taking you so long? How hard is it to paint a wall? A lot harder than your so-called singing.
At least this is supposed to be flat.
I once saw a monkey paint a wall.
Yeah? Did you say, "good job, mom"? Mono? But he's my lead.
My career depends upon this.
The district is this close to cutting my funding, and my fingers are very close together right now.
Nighttime - Just let me talk to Marcus.
- * Sharpens* - He would never turn his back on this company.
We are like family here.
Stirs imagination I'm sorry.
We're going another way.
Silently the senses Abandon their defenses Any news about Marcus? - Why are you whispering? - Saving my voice, just in case.
Oh.
Well, Marcus is out.
But luckily, I found an even better phantom right here.
I wouldn't say better, but since you did Luke.
I was just about to ask him.
- Luke? - He knows the show, he sings like a nightingale, and he has a certain theatrical madness in his eyes you cannot teach.
That's just from all the paint.
Oh.
Uh, Luke? Stop it.
Are you trying to spook him? What are you talking about? He's already intimidated by you after you criticized his sets.
Oh, please.
I could not be the only person that found his unicorns distracting.
Let me talk to him first.
If I can't get the job done, then you step in Kind of like the way an understudy would traditionally take over when the lead finds himself-- Yeah.
Just do it.
Hey there, Luke.
Or should I say, phantom? You wanna get to the point? 'Cause I'm kind of on a schedule, and this paint keeps making me fall down.
Marcus is out, and Cam wants you to take over.
Really? Well, I do know all the songs.
Stop trying to talk yourself out of it.
You're doing it.
It's only for two nights.
You're doing it again, looking at the negatives.
Look at the bright side.
What if you don't screw up, humiliate yourself, and get mocked forever? - I'd get mocked? - Only by the cool kids.
But who needs them? You're one of us now.
The theater geeks.
Vermont is snowy Las Vegas is showy And those are the capitals I remember What if this had been at the top of the stairs? I mean, I really could have gotten hurt, right? Uh-huh.
Lily, I made you lunch.
Peanut butter.
My favorite.
It's just hard to believe that somebody could be so oblivious to a situation that is clearly dangerous.
Look at us.
We're like a little family.
I know.
- We're the parents.
- I know! I know what his response would be-- "but you're fine.
Why you getting all bent out of shape?" But what if I wasn't fine? What if he walked through the door, and he thought he had created a horrible accident? Oh, this is so fun.
Good.
She's gone.
Grab your camera.
I'm gonna make his little hand flip us off again.
No, it's not just me.
Three mothers are giving the party, and we need all our names in the card-- Gloria Pritchett, Sara Leonard, Dee Cho What do you mean that there's no more room? Dee Cho must go on.
Okay, come on.
That one had to be on purpose.
Okay, we'll be there then.
They won't be ready until one more hour.
You maybe wanna take a shift carrying this dry ice? No, I just had a baby.
I've watched you carry Manny to bed.
I know what we can do to kill time.
My psychic is around the corner.
Please tell me you just said "sidekick.
" I used to think that I knew everything, too.
We're going for a reading.
I'll let her know that we're coming.
Um You have got to be kidding me.
I'm trying to remember the telephone number.
What is happening to me? All right, what are we, I think someone needs a Pepper talk.
Aah! Ow! How is that a pepper talk? You need to get angry.
Play aggressive.
That man's been Mitch-slapping you your entire life.
I know, but he's being so nice to Phil, and Phil is way worse than I ever was.
I don't know.
Maybe he's not the unsympathetic jerk he used to be.
Okay, so you got off to a rough start.
Let's simplify.
On this shot, I want you to just concentrate on bending your knees.
- You got it? - Bend my knees.
Bend my-- Dang it! Straighten my knees.
Son of a bitch, you're a hopeless embarrassment.
You're kickin' up more sand than a sea turtle layin' eggs.
Did you see that?! Yeah, that wasn't half bad.
Hey, listen, I'm sorry I yelled.
No, no, no.
That's what I needed.
My old tumbling master in college used to yell at me all the time.
It just made me better.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
He'd say terrible things about my manhood, he'd throw the chalk bag at me, he'd call me and taunt me over the summer to keep me sharp.
So bring it, Jay! You stink, Phil.
You're the worst thing to happen to golf since they let people wear shorts.
You just told me to-- No, that's part of it.
Did you hear that? And he wasn't just talking to Phil.
He was talking to 10-year-old you and 12-year-old you and Suck it, Nancy! I was just trying to help.
Just listen with an open mind.
She doesn't believe in psychics.
It's not just psychics.
It's all unquantifiable phenomena.
I'm going to save you some time.
She doesn't have a boyfriend.
Maybe not now, but soon.
You see? - That means-- - Shh.
Go on.
You are going to meet someone special.
I see a handsome man on a horse, like a knight.
Well, I am going to a renaissance fair this weekend.
Yes, I know.
There's no renaissance fair.
Even if there was, I wouldn't go.
I'd be the laughingstock of the young astronomer's club.
But I couldn't tell Gloria her fortune-teller was a fake Not until I had a little more fun.
I see that you're smiling.
You're enjoying yourself.
I know it sounds crazy, but could you please tell me what happened to my bunny buttons, who ran away when I was 5? Never had a bunny.
Hate bunnies.
- I see a farm - Mm-hmm? With a red barn.
I know who's in the barn! It's like Scrabble with Haley.
After a while, you're just playing against yourself.
Okay, everyone, look sharp, please! The press is here! As I was saying, Maureen, I was really at an advantage having seen the Broadway production.
I was able to learn from their mistakes.
For example, in my production, the phantom appears in the first scene, because after all, it's not called "Christine and Raoul of the opera.
" I have two sources telling me your lead is home with chicken pox.
- Uh, mono.
- Make that three sources.
Oh, damn, you're good.
Um, permission to speak off the record? Denied.
Okay, fine.
Well, then See for yourself in just a moment.
Tonight a star will be born.
- Cam? - Not now, Manny.
I'm birthing something.
Sometimes in the theater, the real drama happens before the curtain rises.
Observe.
Luke Dunphy, how would you like to play the starring role in Cameron Tucker's Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Phantom of the opera"? Nope.
Luke Dunphy, is it true you passed because of creative differences with an overbearing director? Say nothing to that jackal! Manny, what happened? I tried my best.
He started hyperventilating just thinking about it.
I guess some people just aren't comfortable taking center stage.
Okay.
Well, maybe we can pump Marcus full of whatever they gave those bike riders.
He's too sick.
But don't worry, Cam, you'll think of something.
It's always darkest right before the Reuben, could you keep that thing still?! Okay, well, I guess we only have one option.
- I'll do it.
- Hmm? I was gonna say play the role myself, but, you know, I guess it really should be about the kids.
Now if I had tripped on your father's golf ball, say top of the stairs, probably would have-- oh, no! Taken out some pictures.
Look what you've done, Phil! Mom! It's okay.
It's finally sleeping.
Hey, we should take a picture of all of us.
Then once you get going, you know, you just can't stop.
You're taking everything down with you.
Oh! And then, to make it perfectly clear to your father what happened, I'll put the golf ball right here, because some people can't see the danger unless it's right under their nose.
Having kids is fun.
And easy.
Maybe this is what I should do with my life.
Oh.
Oh, he's such a little angel.
I want one.
Shh.
Haley, little dude needs his sleep.
I wanted to tell Haley about the dangers of starting a family too early, but what could I say that couldn't be said better by a screaming baby? Mom! Oh, sorry.
I don't know what's wrong with me today.
- Mom! - Still good.
- Sorry.
- Would you just get out of here? Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Totally sorry.
It's my-- Sorry.
When he wakes up, we should all go out for ice cream.
I was thinking the same thing.
What are you doing? Minding my own business.
Wait.
Ice cream might ruin Lily's dinner.
So? So I spent all afternoon cooking.
I thought ice cream would be fun.
All you've done today is have fun while I did all the work.
I'm just trying to make the most of it with these kids.
I don't have as much time with them as you do.
What, by spoiling them? Who's that? Who's texting you? It's just about work.
Typical.
Even when you're here, you're not here.
Why are you this upset about ice cream? If that's what you think this is about, then you haven't heard a word I've said! I-I'm confused.
Why do we even have these kids? I don't know! I'm going home! Good! Oh, fantastic.
One stroke down on the final hole.
It's such a big putt.
Such a big, big putt.
I like big putts, and I cannot lie.
Money.
You know what'll be sad? You doing all that practicing to finally be able to beat your old man, and coming up just short.
I almost can't watch.
Yeah! You're up, ace.
Ohh! I was the same way with my father.
It's always complicated.
Not for mine.
My dad was just supportive.
Never missed a tumbling meet or a break-dance brawl.
Heck, I'd set up the sound system for our school assembly, he'd be the loudest voice in the crowd.
"Hey, everybody! Check out my son's equipment!" - Aw.
- Yeah.
Hey, seriously, good luck.
You played good.
I'm proud of you.
- Really? - We should do this again sometime.
Don't listen to him.
He's "Cat's in the cradling" you.
- What? - He's playing on your emotions so you lose your edge.
I do it to my son all the time.
Did he say "son"? Yes.
He's a Navy S.
E.
A.
L.
Oh, I've said too much.
What's "Cats in the cradle"? You know, that song about the dad who misses all the important moments in his kid's life? Stay strong, just like Kyle did in Yemen.
Oh, my God, I'm a sieve.
All right, Mitch.
Showtime.
Five.
Six.
A-five, six, seven, eight.
- Ah ha ha! - Yes! A hundred bucks! Oh, we did it! Now I can afford the shirt that matches these pants.
So drinks in the clubhouse? Can't.
My kid's in a play.
Yeah, I'm meeting a client for another round of golf.
Hey, if you see Luke, will you give him a hug for me? Will do.
Hey, I was serious about we should play again sometime.
It's a crazy thing that if I'd been less of a hard head when you were a kid, we could have had 20 years in this dumb game.
No, it was half my fault.
I mean, I-I used to be pretty sensitive.
So y-you really weren't "Cat's in the cradling" me back there? Of course not.
How have I not heard of this song you keep talking about? - You have.
It's the worst.
- It's the schmaltziest.
Unbearable.
I'll play it on the way back.
I have it on my iPod phone.
I should have golfed with you sooner, dad.
I never made the time.
Luke! I need to call my son.
What time is it in Damascus? Ugh.
Why don't I just draw them a map? Ready to play, Phil? I can't, Carl! My boy's sets are in a play! I get the feeling that something wonderful has happened to someone you know.
Yes, it's Manny.
He got the lead role in the school play.
Yes, that's it.
Okay, I think you might have met her halfway on that one.
Do you feel that? A presence has just entered the room.
Or the A.
C.
kicked in.
Gloria, I have to say something.
It's your abuela.
Which one? Is she smoking a pipe, or is she smoking a cigar? A cigar.
- My mother's mother.
- Mm.
I miss her so much.
She says she misses you, too.
I wish that she was here now to see Fulgencio Joe.
She has seen him, and she says he is beautiful.
He is, isn't he? Ay.
Tell her that I love her.
She knows.
- Thank you so much for that.
- Mm.
You see now? I think I do.
The music of the night Okay, Manny, quick question.
Did you forget the notes I gave you or just choose to ignore them? Where are you going with that? We need an extra one up front.
Mr.
Namagachi decided to come.
Oh, you mean the disgraced teacher I replaced suddenly has an interest in this production? He's parking his Peugeot right now.
Wow, the vultures are officially circling.
Okay, Manny, it's no secret that you were not my first choice for this, or my second.
But it's not too late for you to make this your very own phantom.
So I want you to watch what Luke did, and copy that.
Silently the senses Abandon their - He was glorious.
Every note, every nuance I was transported, and I was furious.
But my quarrel wasn't with Luke.
It was with God.
Save a seat for your sister.
Excuse me.
I think that's my seat.
Dad! What are you doing here? Are you kiddin' me? My grandson paints the sets for a play, and I'm not gonna drive in from Florida, hmm? Is this one taken? - All yours.
- Frank.
- Hi.
- That sweatshirt I'm on the tennis team.
We're the Valley Science Knights.
The knights? Nighttime sharpens Heightens each sensation - What? Darkness stirs - That's Luke.
- No.
And wakes imagination Silently the senses Abandon their defenses - That could have been you out there.
No, it wouldn't have been right.
I'm sure you would've gotten some of it right.
Not what I meant.
I write Hey, thanks for meeting me here.
No reason we can't mix business with a little pleasure.
Am I right? I'm just excited to find someone who enjoys this sport - as much as I do.
- Well I'm gonna be straight with you, Carl.
You got a ton of inventory to move, and you're in need of a serious realtor.
Hup hup! So how firm are you on your commission? As I think you can see, I'm quite flexible.
I'll be honest, Phil, I like you.
I think I'm ready to move forward with this.
Really? Well, I'm thrilled.
Hey, you know, we could make this official.
Nice form, son! I'm talking about that contract, of course.
You still got it, dad.
That's my dad.
Hi.