Roseanne s04e14 Episode Script

Damn.
This lane is definitely warped.
Dan now you're hooking the ball.
You gotta take some spin off.
I know exactly how much spin I need, Arnie.
The spin's related to how much wax on the alleys.
It's a matter of physics.
Jeez! Oh, I think you forgot to account for the curvature of the Earth.
I'm going for a beer.
How else wants one? You'll get bloated and bowl like a duck.
My average is five points higher than yours, man.
Are you saying I'm the reason we're in last place in the league? Well, yeah.
What about the other two guys? They say it, too.
How can two grownups argue over nothing? Well, you're new to this marriage business.
You'll catch on.
How's married life treating you? It's o.
k.
My parents came over for dinner last weekend.
Everything was going fine until dessert when Arnie asked my mom if she cut one.
Men.
If they have to ask, You know it's them.
Ohman, my back is not good.
I'm going to skip it.
Just put me down for a spare.
I'm putting myself down, too.
Mom, I need more quarters for the video games.
Just take it out of your allowance.
I didn't want to come here! You made me! You begged me.
Did, too! Did not! Mom! All right.
That is it! It's quality time.
Hey, Deej, how's my best buddy in the whole world? O.
k.
Run along now, son.
Boy, that's a cute kid.
Uh-oh.
No more beer for Arnie.
Kind of makes you think, don't it, Nancy? Tick, tick, tick, tick.
Hey, Rose.
A spare.
Very good.
Well, I learned everything I know from you, honey.
Why didn't you give yourself a strike? 'Cause the lane's warped.
Hey, I'm up.
What's all this tick, tick, tick stuff? Arnie's on my back to have a baby.
Well, maybe one of these days, he'll get it right.
I hope not.
I don't want to walk around with a bowling ball in my belly for nine months.
You also got to carry around two of them in your bra for a year and a half.
Between the gutters, Arnie.
Between the gutters, huh? Funny, Frank.
He's just trying to psych you out.
What was that all about? His team's in 9th place, we're in 10th, So he thinks he's better than us.
Calm down.
Wait till saturday night.
We'll show him who's worse.
God, what difference does it make? Oh, they have some really intelligent league tradition that the last-place guys have to drink beer out of their bowling shoes.
Yecchh.
Really, it didn't taste that bad.
Oh, hey, you guys.
Hi.
What are you guys doing here? I'm playing back there in the bar this weekend.
We're checking out the room.
We'll have to go see you.
Is there a cover charge? Not for my personal friends.
Or anybody else.
It would be great if you guys could be there.
We could all take turns requesting Harper valley PTA.
I think I need a new groupie here.
See you guys later.
Yeah, saturday night.
Hey, Rosie, you're up.
What do you want us to put this frame? I'm really going to go for it this time.
Stand back.
Here she comes! Do it, Rosie.
Knock them down.
I certainly will.
I'm going to kill them.
There will be nothing left but dust.
I plan to completely pulverize them With my pretty pink ball.
She gets a good arc.
What did I get this time? I'm giving you another spare.
Oh, great.
Hey, I'm being really consistent.
I can't believe this, Mark is an hour and a half late.
Where in the hell is he? Well, it's pretty dark out.
I mean, maybe he thinks he's asleep.
Mother, shut her up.
At least wait until your sister's out of the room.
God, I'm not just going to sit around and wait for him.
Who does he think he is? Don't, Darlene.
Dan, are you going to read us the funny parts? This guy's paying me to service his snowmobiles.
I figure I should know what one looks like.
You said it was like a motorcycle on skis.
Apparently I lied.
You can do it, right? If I don't have to do drywall, I can do anything.
Ah-choo! Why don't you just vomit on my plate? Come here, you.
You know, you've been sneezing all day.
Let me feel your head here.
I'm o.
k.
You don't have a fever, but I don't want you to go to the bowling alley tonight.
You'll just run around and get more sick.
No, I won't.
No, you're going to stay home.
Hey, Darlene, can you sit with him? No, I'm going out.
What do you mean? You never go out.
Well, then I feel I should be encouraged to do so.
Come on, Darlene.
No, I can't.
I already told you.
I'm helping Karen take inventory.
She's paying me O.
k.
See ya.
[Telephone rings.]
Phone.
Oh, no.
Let me.
[Ring.]
Hello? Oh, hi, Nancy.
Jackie? No, Jackie's not here.
Yeah, I am.
Oh.
Yes, she is.
I told Nancy to try here if I wasn't home.
When did you start talking to Nancy? Give me the phone.
Nance? Hi! I just walked in.
Maybe Jackie could baby-sit.
Shh, shh.
I can't overhear what they're saying.
If I find them tonight, I'll bring them.
O.
k.
Sure.
Yeah, I'll see you there.
O.
k.
Bye.
Is there a box of my stuff in your garage? Yeah, a couple.
What are you looking for? Just my old ice skates.
I'm giving them to Nancy.
We're going ice-skating on tuesday.
Like, you're all chummy with her after you had some affair with her husband? That was not an affair, That was a one-night mistake.
And they weren't even engaged at the time.
Besides, she and I talked it through, and everything's fine between us.
How come Jackie and Nancy are going out and having some great time, and they don't even think to invite me? What does it matter, dear? Because she's my friend, and she's my sister.
They're going to plan to have some great time together, and they're not even thinking to invite me.
If it wasn't for me, they wouldn't even know each other.
There is the whole sordid Arnie connection, dear.
Ah, yeah, right.
Like they're getting together to some little "I slept with Arnie" fan club that I can't even be a member of.
You know what I mean.
Smoke blowin' down from a cabin on the hill Smoke blowin' down in the street Some kind of sweet-smellin' mystical backdrop To the story unfoldin' at my feet Used to walk around With my eyes on fire My nerves real close to my skin Shut the door! I had a fist full of questions And a brand on my cheek And we would Skate where the ice got thin Whoo! Oh, whoa! Thank you.
All right! Yeah! I'd like to introduce the band.
Hank, Pete That's Jackie, that's Nancy, that's Roseanne, And you know Bonnie, right? You girls got any requests? How about doing the dishes? I don't know that one.
How about a nice romantic dinner? I'm so hungry.
All right.
Band's going out for a chili dog.
We'll return in five minutes.
He's good.
Don't tell him that.
He'll want to go on the road, and that's no good.
All those beautiful young girls Bouncing up and down saying, "Get off the stage, grandpa.
" I love him way too much to let that happen.
Ohh.
I thought you were with D.
J.
Tonight.
Mark never showed up, so Becky's there.
I really like Bonnie.
She's great.
Yeah, she's cool.
Let's invite her to go ice-skating with us tuesday.
Oh, yeah.
Great.
O.
k.
J.
, ready for another beer? Yeah, sure.
Yo, booze guy, a couple more! I like beer.
Oh.
Make it three.
Thanks, J.
Is something wrong? No, nothing's wrong.
O.
k.
Thank you.
Hmm.
My, my, my, my.
Oh, girl, you are so bad.
I'm just looking.
You know I'm totally devoted to turning Arnie into something I can live with.
But that doesn't mean I can't look.
Back me up, Rosie.
You still look, don't you? After you get a few kids, every time you look at a man, all's you see is more kids.
See? That's exactly what we were talking about.
Yeah, really.
What? Arnie is begging her to have a kid.
I know that, Jackie.
Jackie was so great.
No, now, I didn't tell you anything you didn't already know.
I know, but I already made up my mind.
I'm not rushing into anything.
Right.
You were talking to Jackie about kids? Is that wrong? WellJackie doesn't even have any kids.
I mean, if anybody should be telling you not to have kids, I think it should be me.
You're sure you're o.
k.
? I'm fine.
Well, we weren't really talking about having kids.
we were talking about our careers and how kids would get in the way right now.
Oh, well, then that's cool, talking to Jackie about careers.
I mean, after all, she has had more than anybody else in the world.
You're mad at me.
I'm not mad.
I know the difference between when you're really mad and when you're just being yourself.
I am not mad.
You're not looking at me.
See? When she doesn't make eye contact, that means she's mad.
I am looking at you.
See? Ouch.
I didn't want to start anything in front of your little friend.
Oh.
You're mad at me? I'm not mad.
Time out.
I get it.
Roseanne, we didn't invite you Because you hate ice-skating.
You complain whenever I try and get you to go.
Last time you went, you hurt your back.
Nice try.
Do you want to go ice-skating with me and Nancy on tuesday? Well, I don't want any pity invitation.
How about if we're begging? O.
k.
Great.
The three of us will go.
It'll be a lot of fun.
O.
k.
Hey, maybe instead of ice-skating, you know, we could go see a real nice movie.
We're going skating.
Fine.
I guess I just don't get any say in it.
Yes! Yeah! Yes! All right.
Damn! It's all right, Ray.
That's six pins we didn't have a minute ago.
Hey, Arnie? Before you fill up those size 12s, maybe you ought to get a designated driver.
Shut up, skinhead.
Settle down.
He's got you rattled.
It's looking bad, Dan.
I'm not going to worry.
We're down by 30 pins, You're not going to worry? When I worry, my feet sweat.
Come on, Chuckie! Let's go, big C.
! You got to be on the job site I'm going to have to bail on that drywall job.
I just got a big snowmobile deal down at the shop.
It's all right, Chuckie.
Pick it up on the next ball, babe.
I went out on a limb for you.
You can get david Carr.
I know who I can get.
Sorry, Arnie.
This is a big break for me.
If this deal pans out, I'll never have to take another crappy construction job.
Ooh, almost! I do construction.
It's not a crappy job.
You know what I mean.
I don't.
I own a bike shop.
I don't have to work construction.
So you're better than me? I didn't say that.
I'm just as smart.
Fine.
And I'm a better bowler than you are.
Oh, come down to planet Earth! I'm bowling a 72.
What do you got? It ain't over yet.
You're acting like children here.
He started it! We're all in this together.
Arnie, you're up.
Come on, right in the pocket, man.
Strike! All right! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, o.
k.
One strike.
Whoopie.
Are you going to disneyland? Hey, Dan, I got my trajectory down now.
There's no stopping me.
Trajectory? Do us a favor.
Don't use words you can't spell.
I can spell jerk, Dan.
Are you calling me a jerk? No.
A jerk is someone who sells a worthless bike shop to a sucker like you.
Oh, yeah? Yeah! That's enough! We start fighting amongst each other, we don't have a chance.
Now, come on, Dan, you're up.
Let's go.
Strike! How's that, pinhead? Lucky, lucky.
I could keep that up all night.
So could I! Can't you stop this? As long as they're throwing strikes, I don't care if they kill each other.
That's cold, Chuck.
I ain't drinking beer out of no shoe.
I heard that, man.
Now, look, you need four pins and we beat these guys.
Don't think about anything except four pins.
O.
k.
Oh, uh, by the way, Did Arnie ever pay you back all that money you lent him? No.
Why? No reason.
He just told me he was shopping for a new car.
Five! Five! Five! All right! We're not the worst! We're not the worst! We're not the worst! We're not the worst! We're not the-- Good game, Dan.
Yeah, you, too, Arn.
Listen, I'm sorry about, uh-- Yeah, me, too.
We won! This is what ninth place feels like.
It feels good! Yeah.
Hey, let's go buy Frank a beer While his shoes are still ripe.
All right, men! There we go.
Send this over to that table with our compliments.
The odor-eater is floating to the top on that one, Dan.
Oh, well Then it needs a twist.
Yeah, make sure Frank gets that one.
Bowlers.
Hi.
Am I too late to see Duke? Oh, no.
He's got another set.
Oh, good.
The management of the Lanford lanes Would like to congratulate the new league champions-- The lucky strikes! And the wrecking ballers for crawling out of last place for the first time in three years! There's someone worse than us! There's someone worse than us! O.
k.
, I want to bring a fresh set of lungs up here now.
So put your hands together for my old lady miss Bonnie watkins! Roll on down I'm gonna roll on down with you Roll on down I'm gonna roll on down with you Talk to them.
Restless dreams of your love drift Elusively again The thought of our love churnin', darlin' Warms me like the southern wind And if you really want me I'll tell you what I'm gonna do I'm gonna rock one night in nashville I'm gonna roll on down with you I said roll on down I'm gonna roll on down with you Oh, yeah, hey Roll on down I'm gonna roll on Down With You Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Whatever happened to that sled that we gave D.
J.
For his birthday? I think it's down in the basement.
Why? I was just thinking that I could take it to the skating rink, and then Jackie and Nancy could push me around on it.
I'm sure they'd love that, dear.
Who the hell are you? Kevin.
Kevin who? Kevin Healy.
I'm Mark's brother.
What are you doing here? Mark and Becky went out.
They're paying me to watch Steej.
Oh, and where is "Steej"? I made him go to bed.
He was getting on my nerves.
I'm home.
They just left you here alone, and that was it? Maybe she thought she'd get home before you.
Maybe she doesn't care.
Hey, for 3 bucks, I'm not covering for her.
I know you, don't I? You're a sophomore, right? Yeah.
You hang out with Dave Mallone and those guys? Sometimes.
My name's Kevin.
I'm Darlene.
I know.
We had detention together once.
I thought I saw you there, but I didn't think you saw me.
Yeah.
I saw you.
I like your hair.
It's just totally out of control.
Thanks.
Yours, too.
Thanks.
Do you have detention tomorrow? Oh, I'm not sure yet.
Well, looks like Darlene's got her a little friend.
His name's Kevin.
He's Mark's little brother.
Come on, Kev.
I'll give you a ride home.