The Golden Girls (1985) s04e14 Episode Script

Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidante And if you threw a party Invited everyone you knew You would see the biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say "Thank you for being a friend" He should have been here a half-hour ago.
Dorothy, according to the rules of etiquette, you should never wait more than 20 minutes for a date.
She's already waited six months for a date.
What's another half-hour? I hate blind dates.
You know, Ma, I never would have agreed to this if it wasn't your best friend Edna's good-looking doctor nephew.
Aw, he wasn't available anymore.
He decided to buy a woman from the Philippines.
Actually, he bought two women.
He wanted an extra for formal occasions.
Then who is this guy? To tell you the truth, I was on the bus Wait a minute.
You set Dorothy up with some guy you met on a bus? Please, it wasn't that glamorous.
I saw a sign on the bus.
It said, "Lonely? Can't make connections with that special person?" So I took $20 out of your purse, sent in a picture, they ran it through the computer and boom, you got a social life.
Ma, I cannot believe you sent my picture in to a total stranger.
I didn't send in your picture, I sent the picture that came with my wallet.
Ma, I am furious with you.
Think how mad your date's gonna be when he finds out he's not going out with Janet Gaynor.
(doorbell rings) Oh, God! Dorothy, just remember how important first impressions are, honey.
Stand up straight.
Put your left hand on your hip.
Now, strike a very sexy, sultry pose.
(seductively) Hello.
Hi, Dorothy.
What's wrong with your hip? I was hoping you'd be my date, Rose.
Oh, gee, I'm busy tonight.
But maybe you could try me again next week.
What's in the box, Rose? Brochures for the "Be a Pal" program.
I'm mailing them out.
How does that work? Well, you just put 'em in an envelope and you stick a stamp on them.
Not that, you idiot.
Oh, the "Be a Pal" program? Well, each week, you get a motherless girl and be her pal.
Help her with her homework and take her to movies and have dinner together.
That's very interesting.
Maybe I could get involved with that.
You, Blanche? Sure.
Why, nothing would be more satisfying than to be of loving service to a lonely, motherless child.
Of course, I'll have to see pictures of the father before I commit.
If you're interested, I could call and see about sending over two girls.
Great.
Count me in.
(doorbell rings) Hi, I'm Eddie.
It took a computer to come up with this? I'm Dorothy.
These are my friends, Blanche and Rose.
Hello, there.
How do you do? Eddie, I hope you're not too terribly disappointed.
My mother wasn't exactly honest in sending in that picture.
I knew that.
I have quite a few Janet Gaynors in frames around my house.
Believe me, when you've been in a deep depression for a year and a half, nothing fazes you.
Well Eddie, what wonderful things have you got planned for tonight? Nothing.
I was gonna cancel, but my therapist wouldn't let me.
Perhaps if we spoke to him together? I'm sorry.
I'm still not really recovered.
You see, after 25 years of marriage, my wife Roberta sent me a Dear John letter.
That's terrible.
Married 25 years and she doesn't know your name is Eddie? Well, I guess I have to feed you.
Let's go look for a place to eat, Roberta.
No, no.
Her name's Dorothy.
Your ex-wife is Roberta.
Sure.
Rub my nose in it.
Morning, Blanche.
You're up early.
I'm making a list of things to do with our little pals.
I just hope I'm good at it.
With all that enthusiasm, I'm sure you will be.
I just wanna make a difference in the lives of these youngsters.
I wanna teach 'em, I wanna mold 'em.
I wanna become a positive influence on every aspect of their young lives.
It is only one afternoon a week, isn't it? Dorothy Zbornak, are you just getting in? No, Blanche.
I got up early and went jogging in a park with a really strict dress code.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need some coffee.
What's the number of the police station? Is anything wrong? No, I just wanna find out where I can buy the best donuts.
Of course something is wrong! Dorothy never came home.
Yes, she did.
She's in the kitchen.
All right, spill it.
I want details.
Yes, so do I.
Oh, me too.
Well, there is not much to tell.
Eddie took me to the restaurant where he had met his ex-wife Roberta.
I would think going there would just remind him of her.
It did.
Especially since she owns it, runs it and calls the place Roberta's.
As she was seating us, he begged her to come back to him.
And after he had wept over his crab cakes, I begged her to come back to him.
I guess you're not gonna see him again.
Oh, yes.
Yes, I will.
What? Listen, pussycat, it's been a long time since you've been out on a date.
And it's quite possible you can no longer judge a good one from a bad one.
So let me be of help.
Bad date, Dorothy.
Bad, bad date.
What did you do the rest of the night? I tried to comfort him.
I must have lost track of time 'cause next thing I knew it was morning.
Oh, I better get some rest.
We're meeting for lunch.
I don't get it.
They don't seem to have anything in common.
I guess it's just like that old saying: opposites attract.
That's very true.
Back in St.
Olaf Ollie Canudenspringle and his wife Bridget were opposites in every way.
I mean, he was fat, she was thin.
He was neat, she was sloppy.
He was tall, she was short.
He was cheap, she was extravagant.
He was Opposites.
We get the picture.
Anyway, I'll never forget the time they sang at our annual talent show, right after the herring juggling act.
You mean to tell me that somebody actually juggled herring? No.
It was the herring who did the juggling.
Tiny little Ginsu knives.
Really very dangerous.
I mean, one false move, they could have filleted themselves.
I hate you.
Anyway (doorbell rings) Oh, good.
Here they are.
Come in, girls.
I'm Marla, this is Jackie.
We're from the "Be a Pal" program.
Yes, and I'm Blanche.
I just knew when I heard your voice on the phone that you'd be pretty.
Oh, well, thank you.
Rose, this is my little pal Jackie.
And your little pal Marla.
Hi, Marla.
Come on, sit down.
Now, is there anything special you girls feel like doing today? Would it be too much to see a movie? Oh, no.
We can go see Oliver & Company or Roger Rabbit.
Or Tequila Sunrise.
I hear Mel Gibson takes his shirt off a lot.
You know, Jackie, I think you and I are gonna get along just fine.
Well, just let me freshen my makeup.
Girls, why don't you come with me and I'll show you how I transform myself into a fresh-faced, innocent, young thing? Could you skip the "innocent" part, Blanche? The show starts in two hours.
Hi, Rose.
Blanche around? She's showing the girls some makeup tricks before we go to the movies.
Anything I can do? No, thanks.
I need to talk to somebody.
Oh, I get it.
You have a problem and you don't think I'm sophisticated or worldly enough to help.
Oh, Rose, I'm sorry.
You got a minute? Sure, Dorothy.
It's about Eddie.
You know, I've been seeing him for a week now.
I'm having a relationship with him like I've never had with a man before in my life.
It is purely physical.
Eddie is the greatest lover I have ever had.
Come on, Dorothy.
If we're gonna do this, you have to tell me the truth.
No, I am telling you the truth.
Honey, there is more to Eddie than meets the eye.
But the only thing we have in common is under the sheets.
What's under the sheets? His cappuccino maker.
Sex, Rose.
I am talking sex.
We don't go to dinner, we don't go to the movies, we just go to bed and it is terrific.
All that and cappuccino too? Well, what's the problem? Did I say there was a problem? You wanted to talk about it.
Can't one have a discussion without there being a problem? I thought maybe you were feeling guilty.
Guilty? I have nothing to feel guilty about.
I am having the time of my life.
I just wanted to, you know, say it out loud.
But, listen, honey.
Don't mention this to anybody.
It's a thing that most people probably wouldn't understand.
Don't worry, Dorothy.
Rose Nylund can keep a secret.
Do you know what the name Nylund means in Norwegian? No.
Well, I'm not telling you.
How do I look? Great, Dorothy.
You going out with Eddie? Yes.
Oh, by the way, Blanche, I borrowed your gold earrings, if that's OK? Oh, it's fine, but I do think I should caution you - they were meant for petite ears.
They'll just have to do until Disney unveils their Dumbo line.
I'd better grab something to eat before Eddie gets here.
Wait a minute.
Why don't you just go out to eat? There never seems to be enough time.
You know, there's something rotten in the state of Denmark.
It's their cheese.
They refuse to use preservatives.
I mean between Dorothy and Eddie.
There is something peculiar in that relationship.
You're right.
And I'm gonna find out what it is or my name isn't Sophia Sophia Sophia Petrillo.
Oh, yeah.
Maybe the doctor is right.
Maybe I do need all three pills a day.
Dorothy will never tell her.
Tell her what? The secret that I don't know.
Rose.
There's something you know that you're not telling me.
You can ask me all the questions you want, you'll never break me.
So you're not in love with this Eddie guy? Oh, no, Ma.
Then why are you spending all your time with him? Eddie's a love machine? I'm sorry, Dorothy.
I held out as long as I could.
She said she'd tickle me.
You're a regular Nelson Mandela, Rose.
So that's it? Lust.
Look, Ma, I am a grown woman and I have needs.
Needs? You need food.
You need air.
You need a better wrinkle cream.
You don't need sport nookie.
This is wrong for you.
Wrong for me? This is why I didn't tell you about this in the first place.
You are always criticizing me, you are always judging me, you are always telling me what to do.
This time I'm going to do what feels right for me, and there's nothing you can say that'll make me feel guilty about it.
Boy, I wish I'd married Bing Crosby when I had the chance.
Why? Because he was such a strict disciplinarian? No, because now I'd be a wealthy widow with my own place in Pebble Beach, so I wouldn't have to listen to that crap.
I just haven't found a thing today.
I don't look right in American clothes.
I have a more European body.
Oh, in Europe, do they all have big butts too? Hi, Blanche.
Hi, Rose.
Where on earth have you girls been? We were helping elderly people get a good grip on the escalator.
We just lost all track of time.
How sweet.
Isn't that sweet? Can you guys hold our bags? We wanna go toss a few pennies in the fountain.
I'm gonna make a wish that we stay pals forever.
Oh, sweetie.
We'll see you in the car.
OK, bye.
Bye.
Aren't they the greatest? Yes.
Looks like I've been a good influence on them.
(alarm beeps) Excuse me, ladies.
I need to inspect your bag.
I thought you were both asleep.
Why are you just getting in? Because the justice system in America is an imperfect and sluggish piece of antiquated machinery.
What? We were in the slammer.
Our cute little "pals" stole some merchandise and made us the fall guys.
We have to appear in court at noon tomorrow.
And where were you? We were calling all night.
I was out with Eddie.
Actually, I just got home myself.
I wonder why Sophia didn't answer.
She probably thought it was me calling and decided not to answer.
It's a little guilt trick she's used on me ever since I was 15.
That and having major surgery and telling me about it two days later.
Sometimes she didn't even need the surgery.
That's guilt.
Well, the days of my mother making me feel guilty are over.
There is nothing wrong with my relationship with Eddie, and if my mother can't buy it, I'm very sorry, it is her problem.
Oh, just getting in? Listen, if you three are just gonna use this place days, would you mind if I got one of those medical emergency beepers? I'd feel terrible if one morning you found me on the doorstep instead of the Miami Herald.
Ma, it's not gonna work.
I do not feel guilty about staying out all night and I do not feel guilty about Eddie.
Don't underestimate me.
I could make you feel guilty about bombing Pearl Harbor if I wanted.
The point is, I don't want you to feel guilty.
There's nothing wrong with a physical relationship.
Well, then, what about what you said last night? If you had let me finish my thought, Colonel Gaddafi, you might have understood.
I said I thought this kind of relationship was wrong for you.
Well, it's not.
Dorothy, I'm your mother.
I know you.
You're a loving and sensitive person.
But this isn't gonna be enough someday.
You'll be bored and dissatisfied and you'll end up unhappy.
I'd hate to see that happen to you, pussycat.
But if you think you can handle that, just look me straight in the eye and I'll drop the whole thing.
Ma I can handle that.
Both eyes.
Oh, Ma, I hate it when you're right, and I guess I knew you were right all along.
What are you gonna do, Dorothy? Well, I'll have to have a talk with Eddie.
I mean, it is obvious that this relationship has to taper off.
All right, I'll end it.
Girls, I know you're gonna go to court and tell the truth.
We'd like to, but we could get in some trouble.
You see, most of the judges at juvenile court know us.
I think we've worn out our cute act.
Now, you listen to me, you little monsters.
If you think we'll be your patsies, you've have another thing coming.
Maybe some cookies and milk'd change your mind.
Here, how about $50 and you tell the truth.
What do you say? Are you trying to bribe us? Oh, yeah.
You catch on quick.
Make it 150 each.
Oh, you little pirates.
All right, you've got it.
Now, get out of here.
Thank you, Blanche.
Oh, beat it! I can't believe you did that.
Don't worry.
That check was written on our vacation account that we closed last week.
The bank would sooner cash a check from Jim and Tammy Bakker.
Where are the girls? Oh, they had a sudden change of heart.
They decided to confess.
(doorbell rings) Oh, God, that's Eddie.
I don't know if I can go through with this.
Don't worry.
We're both right beside you to help you through it.
It's not that easy.
Eddie has some kind of a strange hold over me.
Baloney.
Eddie is just a man, cut from the same cloth as the many men who have dumped you over the years.
Just think of him as all those men, Dorothy.
Become the dumper before you become the dumpee.
You're right.
I'm gonna get rid of him just the way Paul Bennington got rid of me.
The way Steve Mendlebaum got rid of me.
The way Tom We'll be here all afternoon.
Can you just open the door? Blanche is right.
The man is history.
Hi, Dorothy.
Oh, Eddie, I want you so bad.
Dorothy.
I can't help it.
He looks so cute in that little suit.
Is something wrong, Dorothy? Yes, there is something wrong.
Eddie, we have Eddie, stop doing that with your lip.
Doing what? That sexy, quivering thing in the corner of your mouth.
I was just trying to loosen up a poppy seed caught in my teeth with my tongue.
Well, it's driving me crazy.
Dorothy! Come here, Eddie.
Sit down here.
Listen, what Dorothy is trying to tell you What's that cologne you're wearing? I'm not wearing cologne.
But that's impossible.
It smells kind of like a mixture of Old Spice and musk and And a porterhouse steak? Yes.
That's me.
The smell really gets intense when I sweat.
Really? Well, I'd be curious to find out just how Blanche! Blanche! Now, look here, Eddie.
Now, you listen to me.
Dorothy has decided she wants nothing more to do with you.
I can't understand why because I think you have about the cutest ears I've ever seen on a man in my entire life.
They make you kind of look like Bambi.
Marry me, Eddie.
Ladies, ladies, please! This always happens.
I'm cursed.
Ever since I was a little kid, I've been absolutely irresistible to women.
I know I'm a little plain to look at No, you're not plain at all.
Oh, you're adorable.
Cute as a button.
Please.
Please, let me finish.
I know I'm plain to look at, but everything I do seems to drive the opposite sex crazy.
I don't do it on purpose.
It just happens.
The way I look at a woman.
The way I make love to a woman.
The way I kiss a woman.
The way I make love to a woman.
You said "make love" twice.
I know.
It's my favorite.
I'm not surprised you wanted to dump me tonight - the good ones always do.
They always end up wanting more than just nights filled with unbridled ecstasy.
What are you doing tomorrow night? I'd better get going.
I've caused enough trouble.
Look, Eddie, can't we see each other occasionally, just as friends? It won't work.
It's like trying to eat one potato chip.
Au revoir.
Oh, hello, Sophia.
Hello, Eddie.
Eddie, I never noticed that beauty mark on your neck.
What beauty mark? That one! Sophia! Sophia!