The Middle s04e14 Episode Script

Have you guys seen my iPad? I know what you're thinking.
80% of our appliances have duct tape on 'em.
How the hell did Brick get an iPad? Well, when a kid really wants something, they chip away at you like a lumberjack on a redwood.
I guess it started about a month ago.
- What's so funny? - Hey, Mike, get in here.
Go ahead.
Ask your dad what you just asked me.
Can you guys buy me an iPad? - Thanks, buddy.
I needed that.
- Yeah.
- See you guys tonight.
- Okay.
"Can you guys buy me an iPad?" - Yeah.
- So the iPad? Yes or no? Brick, the only way you're getting an iPad is if you're in Steve Jobs' will.
What? Today is baby day for spirit week, so me, Sean, and Darrin are rockin' the diapers.
Baby seniors rule! Hey, uh, if you get a chance today, you wanna stop by the College Center and find out why we haven't heard from East Indiana yet? Mom, a lot of people haven't heard anything yet, all right? You don't have to worry about this.
I got it under control.
I'm practically an adult, so Ah! Good thing you're wearing those diapers, dude, 'cause guess who just got accepted to Notre Dame.
Wow.
Maybe you'll date a leprechaun.
It's not just him.
You are looking at two pillars of higher education.
I just got my fat envelope from Midwest Institute of Air Conditioning Repair.
First choice! All right, so what's the story with you, man? You get the good news from East Indy yet? Uh, nah.
Nothing official, but the recruiter pretty much told me it's a lock, so I am not sweating it.
Yeah.
No worries.
If it doesn't happen, I could probably get you in at MIACR.
I'm a legacy.
All right, men, uh, enough college talk.
Let's talk about something really important.
- Our senior prank.
- Yeah.
I'm not sure I'm really feeling a prank this year.
We're seniors.
When else are we gonna do it? I just don't feel like it, 'kay? - Don't get your diapers in a twist.
- They're not diapers.
They're adult comfort shorts.
My grandpa wears 'em when he plays golf.
You know how Sue was usually invisible to teachers? Well, this year, she finally got noticed by one.
The bell has rung, people.
The school may find it amusing to have you all dressed up and run around like little babies, but in my class, you will be treated like the young adults you claim to be.
Miss Heck next time you write an essay for my class, let's try using one color ink instead of 20.
Oh, and I hate to rain on your parade, but perhaps it's time to stop dotting your I's with little hearts.
Silence! Do any of you have the desire to think outside yourselves and to contribute to the world you live in? Somebody say, "yes, I do.
" Yes, I do.
No, you don't.
You're all pleasure seekers.
It's me, me, me 24/7.
You get upset if the battery in your phone dies.
But did you know that Alessandro Volta invented the battery in 1800? Well, of course you don't.
You think it was invented by a little pink bunny who goes around banging away on a big bass drum.
Now for your next assignment, you will propose an hypothesis.
You will design and produce an experiment to test said hypothesis and determine whether to accept or reject it and I want this question to come from your soul.
Where is your passion? What do you care about? What are you really interested in? The answer is not gonna be on your computer or your television.
He's not gonna pop up for you in an app.
This project is 40% of your grade.
So as you Americans say, you had better get crackin'.
_ Dad, can you please get me an iPad? I'm heating up my coffee with a hair dryer.
What do you think? I don't think you realize what getting me an iPad would mean.
For example, when we go on trips, you wouldn't have to lug around all my books.
Remember that time you threw out your back while picking up my book bag? The answer's still no, but thanks for reminding me I'm old.
Well? Anything in the mail? Just bills.
You know, it wouldn't just be for me.
The whole family could use it.
Are we still talking about that iPad? You know, it was funny the first 70 times.
Now it's starting to get old.
We should have heard by now.
The guy made it sound like it was locked up.
I gotta tell you, Frankie, I'm getting a little nervous here.
You know what? There's a little hope.
One of the girls in my dental materials class said that her sister applied to East Indy about the same time as Axl, and she still hasn't heard yet either.
- Hmm.
- If I get lost on my way to school and need directions there's an app for that.
Why are we still talking about this? Go away.
But, dad, you're not letting me prove my-- Go.
Brad.
How would you like to be the first subject in my science experiment? Are you kidding? I'd be honored.
But I should warn you, I can't tolerate needles or tickling.
We should be good.
Okay.
I'll smile at you, and then if you smile back at me, that proves my hypothesis that smiling is contagious.
Love it.
You will be subject X.
The first entry in my log.
Ready? Ready.
Brad? Yeah? I think you have to stop smiling.
Otherwise, when I smile at you, - we won't know if you smile back.
- Oh, right.
Of course.
Okay, I'm ready.
Go.
Oh! Damn it, Bradley.
Why can't you do this? You went to drama camp, for God sake.
It's not your fault, Brad.
The reason this isn't working is because I told you the experiment.
I was just so excited, I had to share.
But I tainted the results.
You know what? I need to test my hypothesis on strangers.
Good luck.
So while Sue was trying to prove smiling is contagious, Mike and I were proving being nervous definitely was.
- Anything yet? - Still waiting.
I don't get it.
We should have heard something by now.
You know that lady in my class? Her sister got accepted to East Indiana today.
Crap.
Well, let's just agree, whatever happens, he is not living in our house next year.
I think I should call the coach and see what's going on.
No, we can't do that, Mike.
We don't wanna be those parents.
Afternoon, folks.
Oh, come on.
Mama needs a fat envelope.
Beautiful day today, huh? Yeah, whatever.
You got anything else in there for us? - Nope.
That's it.
- Uh, you know what? How about I just take a little look myself? Oh, ma'am, that's a federal offense.
Hey, look, there's a mean dog.
Ma'am, I have got to get back on my route.
There are other citizens who are counting on me.
Oh, what are you, Batman? Let me see in the damn bag! This is my son's future we're talking about! I know it's in there! I know you have it! We never got the Andersons' Christmas card! Two weeks later, and still nothing new with the mail.
Well, not exactly nothing.
I can't believe they switched our mailman.
What are they worried about me for? They're the ones that go postal.
Not now, Sue.
You can dust all you want, Brick.
You're not getting an iPad.
So while Mike and I had been harassing the loyal servants of the US Postal Service, turns out it wasn't the '80s anymore, and the news we were all waiting for was coming over a different kind of mail.
Yes! I'm in! Oh, my God! I just got an official e-mail from East Indiana State.
It's official! I'm in! Oh, my God.
That's it! I'm outta here! So long, suckers! East Indiana State freshmen rule! Ha ha ha ha! Whoo! I still have to graduate, don't I? No.
But this kid in my class, Brian Becker, got one, and now everybody flocks around him.
And he's got a restless leg, and he suffers from early onset alopecia.
I'm just saying, you guys are always on me to make friends.
Yeah, it's a great way to make friends, but you're not getting an iPad.
So I was talking to mom about the iPad, and she thinks it'd be a great way for me to make friends.
Friends? I thought you wanted this thing for school.
Dad liked your friend idea, but he thinks the iPad should be used more for school.
You're doing fine in school.
Yeah, but in middle school, the workload really picks up.
Well, if it's for middle school, we'll talk about it when you get to middle school.
Mom says she sees it as more of a middle school thing.
Yeah, well, middle school is a long way off, isn't it? Dad's on board with getting the iPad, - but he thinks middle school is a long way off.
- Really? - He really said that? - Hey, mom, - can we go to Red Lobster for dinner tonight? - No.
Yeah, that's what dad said.
He absolutely said that.
Why not? You're always saying we should do more as a family.
We are gonna do something as a family.
We are eating defrosted pot pies from the Frugal Hoosier and watching "Dance Moms.
" Yeah, I just don't think that's a very good idea for tonight.
So, since dad thought middle school was so far away, I was just thinking you guys could give me the iPad for my graduation present.
Are you still talking about this? Wouldn't red lobster be a great place for the family to talk about their day? You know, in case somebody has some news.
What do you think? Graduation gift? I don't know, Brick.
We'll see.
- We'll see for graduation? - Sure.
Don't believe her, Brick.
"We'll see" is mom for "we're never going out to eat 'cause for some reason, we hate our kids and delicious, reasonably priced seafood.
" Is that true, mom? Stop bugging me, both of you.
We are not talking about the iPad, and we are not going to Red Lobster.
Look, I never claimed to be strong.
It really has something for everybody.
I mean, mom, you can watch "The Bachelor" anytime you want.
- And, dad, you can-- - No one cares, Brick, but I think people might be quite interested in this news.
I'm sitting in class today when my phone buzzes, - and I notice I have an e-mail that says-- - Excuse me.
Can I get you folks started with some drinks? Um we'll have a couple of pops and water for these people.
Can I interest anyone in some bacon-wrapped shrimp tonight? You wrap anything in bacon, we'll eat it.
- As I was saying-- - Allow me to show you this Powerpoint presentation of why I should get my iPad now instead of waiting for graduation.
Graduation? What are you talking about? Mom, said I could get one for graduation.
Now keep in mind that this would look a lot better if it were presented on an actual iPad.
You said that? What's the matter with you? I don't know.
He was bugging me when I was trying to study.
I probably just said it to get rid of him.
- What? - Speaking of graduation, I have some interesting news.
Today in class, I'm-- Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday dear Betty Happy birthday to you As I was saying, uh - Everybody-- - So since we have established that you agree that the iPad would be great for graduation-- What the hell is going on? We're out on a Wednesday night.
We're talking about iPads.
Who are we? New rule-- no one asks for anything unless we're both in the room.
Okay, so can I have an iPad? - No.
- No.
So today I found out that-- Wilson family, we got a huge surprise for you.
Mom? Dad? - I'm home! - Oh! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! Okay, everybody, teeth and bed.
See you guys in the morning.
Oh, and by the way, got accepted to East Indiana State.
- What? - Is that true? Mm-hmm.
- Seriously? - You got in? You really got in? Are you messing with me? 'Cause you do not wanna mess with me.
- Ask our former mailman.
- Don't mess with your mother.
Okay, no, don't hurt me.
I got in.
I totally got in.
- Aah! - Aah! Hey! Come on! Come on! Whoo! Hey, as long as you guys are in a good mood - No! - No! Yahoo! What up, fellow collegians? Hey, do I have something on my hat? Dude! You got in.
Boss Co.
's going to college.
College hug.
Oh, okay.
All right.
So, look, I'm sorry if I was sort of a jerk before, but now that I'm officially in college the prank is back on.
We're gonna-- Cement a golf cart to the stairs? Uh, no.
No.
No, no, no, no.
We're gonna-- Let a wild bobcat loose in the school? Darrin.
Sorry.
I just love guessing.
Gentlemen, we're going to climb the Orson water tower and use paint to change the word "Orson" to-- preemptive high five-- - "Snore-son"! - Dude! - That's epic.
- Yeah.
And then right beneath "snore-son," we're gonna write "2013-- seniors rule.
" And do you know why? Because - Seniors rule! - Huh! Yes! - Let's do this.
- Ahh Well, I trust that all of you are well ensconced in your experiments.
Now when I call your name, you will state your hypothesis and bring me up to date on your experiment.
Miss Heck? Well um-- "Well, um" is not an hypothesis.
Miss Moore? My hypothesis is that some marinade ingredients might block carcinogenic compounds from forming on meat when it's grilled.
I'm currently looking at which ingredients would inhibit PHIP formation, 'cause if I can find a way to decrease carcinogens from our diet, I might have found a way to prevent cancer.
Whew.
Miss Heck? Um, well my hypothesis is that smiling is contagious.
It's more than you think.
You see, the purpose of this project is to prove that when one individual smiles, it will elicit a similar smile from another human, thereby decreasing levels of worldwide unhappiness.
Well, then.
The rest of you will have to tell me your hypothesis later because I have to dust off the Nobel prize for Miss Heck.
Let me warn you if this is the direction you're going, you better "wow" me.
Smile though your heart is aching Smile even though it's breaking when there are clouds in the sky you'll get by Well, I'm gonna hit the hay.
Good night.
Whoop! - Good night.
- Good night.
- Oh.
- Mm.
Did you notice Brick hasn't asked about the iPad in two days? and then nothin'.
Go figure.
Huh.
I think he finally got the message that when we say no, we mean it, and you know what's that called? Uh, a miracle.
Nope.
That is called good parenting.
Truth is they're actually not that expensive.
What? Well, I saw one for 87 bucks on eBay.
I saw one for less than that.
First Generation, Refurbished.
I guess it was in some kind of fire.
Mm.
The thing is, he does read a lot.
If we got him one-- I'm not saying we would-- we would never have to buy him another book.
Or drive him to the library.
He really is a great kid.
He doesn't ask for a lot.
He's willing to share it.
He said himself.
The whole family could use it.
And since Axl got that scholarship, we do have a little bit of cash.
Can you imagine how surprised he'd be - if we actually gave it to him? - He'd go nuts.
Let's do it.
Timber! Ha ha ha.
Whoo! Seniors rule! Ahh.
- Wow.
- Whoa.
Letters are huge.
Hells, yeah, they are.
That's why tomorrow, the whole city is gonna see the greatest senior prank in the history of prankage.
Hey, look, it says "class of '92 seniors rule.
" How can that be? Yeah.
We'll paint over that.
- Okay, let's do this.
- Yeah.
Where's the paint? - Uh-oh.
- What? Darrin, the last time you said "uh-oh," the paramedics had to cut my jeans off me.
I forgot the paint.
Dude, your-- your family owns a paint store.
I think I might have a sharpie.
Do you know how long it would take to write "snore-son" with a sharpie? Three days.
A week? No.
Stop guessing.
So much for being legendary.
Whoa.
Check it out.
I think I can see your house.
Really? Right there.
Hey, there's the Meenahans' house.
Oh.
Oh.
You remember after they moved, we snuck into their yard and dared this guy to jump from their oak tree to their roof? I have never seen anyone hit a sidewalk that hard.
I remember that.
I'll never forget that.
I don't remember that.
Whoa, is that the school? It looks so tiny from up here.
Yeah.
Felt so big when we were freshmen.
- And there's the football field.
- Yep.
You always said that we'd win a city championship on that field, and we did.
You also said you'd feel Julie O'Connor's boobs on that field.
- Mm.
- Well, one for two ain't bad, huh? You only felt one of 'em? Remind me not to have you fix my air conditioner.
Hmm.
Can't believe we're done.
What do you mean, done? In a couple months, we're all gonna be going to different schools.
Hmm.
You know what? I'm glad Darrin forgot the paint.
'Cause Orson was never snore-son while we were here.
Damn straight.
We rocked this town.
Epic.
I just lost a shoe.
Well, how did we do, Miss Heck? I guess you'll tell me.
Class, while I grade all your fine work, you can continue reading chapter 23.
If you finish, you can proceed to chapter 24.
Is smiling contagious? After many attempts with multiple subjects, including family, friends, a Red Lobster waitress, and an unfriendly baby, I, unfortunately, was unable to prove my hypothesis.
However, like many scientists before me, I refuse to admit defeat.
It took Einstein ten years to prove E=mc2, and if it takes me that long to prove smiling is contagious, then I am up for the challenge, for I believe there are some things that defy logic.
No way! An iPad?! And it's the one from the fire? Oh, this is better than being a good parent.
French anatomist Duchenne wrote that "Joy is expressed on the face by contraction of the muscles, but it can only be put in play by the sweet emotions of the soul.
" Gonna miss you guys.
Okay.
I'm just gonna say it.
I love you.
- Oh.
Oh, I-- - Okay, Darrin just made it weird.
I'm sorry.
I'm very emotional right now.
Yeah.
Dude, come on, man.
And Duchenne had a whole smile named after him.
Think of the smiles over the years that have inspired a whole world to happiness-- Mona Lisa's, Justin Bieber's.
Some might laugh at me, I know, just as they laughed at John Gurdon.
He was told in high school that he would never be a scientist.
He just won the Nobel prize.
I guess it just proves that being dismissed by people who think they know better is not an obstacle to winning a Nobel prize.
So I will continue with my research-- one smile at a time, until I prove that smiling is contagious, 'cause I don't wanna live in a world where it isn't.