Everybody Hates Chris s04e15 Episode Script

CHRIS: When I was growing up, I loved boxing because I loved the movie Rocky.
I'd seen it a million times and could recite every line.
The lines everyone knew Yo, Adrian! And lines everyone didn't know ( as Mickey ): Why do you have to wear that stinkin' sweat suit? ( as Rocky ): It brings me luck, y'know? Brings you luck? I'll tell you what it brings.
It brings flies! And in the spring of 1987, boxing was big and some people thought Mike Tyson was the greatest boxer alive.
Dude, Mike Tyson is the greatest boxer alive.
And some people didn't.
No, he's not.
James "Bonecrusher" Smith is the first heavyweight champ with a college degree.
The brother is smart.
Then why'd he go into the face-punching business? You know what? I'll bet you five dollars that he beats Tyson in Vegas next week.
It's like taking candy from a baby.
Who would do that? You know what? You're on.
There was only one part of boxing I didn't like getting punched.
I thought white guys only knocked out the black guys in the movies.
Only in white movies.
You know, I like seeing a good fight.
But what I just saw-- that was terrible.
Why didn't you do something? Why didn't you do anything? Right.
I was too busy getting punched in the face.
I'll tell you what.
I run a boxing program down at the Boys Athletic Club.
Why don't you come by, I'll teach you to box, huh? You could learn to defend yourself.
I don't know.
C'mon.
You'll be like Rocky.
But instead of being the Italian Stallion, you'll be the Black Stallion.
Hope I don't get sent to the glue factory.
( funky hip-hop theme playing ) # Oh, make it funky now # Thurman was the first teacher that ever did anything about me getting beat down every day, only I couldn't figure out why.
Wait, what difference does me getting beat up make to you? I don't like seeing the "metaphorical" little guy get beat up.
The United States was a little guy but we're a superpower now 'cause we got out from under England's thumb.
Thurman cared about the principles of boxing for self-defense.
I wanted to box for another reason.
This is what I imagined my life would be like after I learned how to box.
What's the matter, Sir Nose, can't catch the rhythm of the stroke? ( exciting theme playing ) ( screams ) Maybe pigs do fly.
While I was going to learn to fight, ( alarm buzzing ) my father was fighting the clock.
Hey, baby.
Whoa! ( sighs ) Oh.
What are you doing? Just waiting for you to wake up.
Why? Well, you've been working so many extra shifts lately.
I miss you.
Oh, I miss you too, baby.
Mwah.
Mmm.
Why are you staring at my feet? She loves your bunions.
I'm just trying to be close to you.
I never get a chance to see you anymore.
I barely even remember what you look like.
And I get lonely.
I know, but I have to go to work so you can either be lonely in this house or together in the streets.
That's it? That's what? I'm talkin' about you, and you're talking about this house.
I can't watch TV with this house.
I can't talk to this house about my day.
I can't ask this house to rub my feet! When I hear a noise downstairs in the middle of the night, I can't ask this house to go downstairs and see what it is! Julius, I did not marry this house.
I married a man! But when they leave the man, they always end up with a house.
I wasn't saying that.
That's okay.
You just keep on workin', but I'm not gonna sit here and wait to watch you tie your shoes.
My father had two full-time jobs, three if you count my mother.
Hey, Dad.
Mom said that since you like to work so much to take these letters around the corner.
They belong to somebody in the other building.
( sighs ) Okay.
I'll see you after school.
Oh, and I'm gonna be home late tonight.
Why? What do you have to do? I'm learning how to box.
Box? How much is that gonna cost? Just a little dignity.
Nothing.
My teacher's supplying everything.
That's great.
Remember what happened with you and karate.
Don't break no bones.
Bones are expensive.
( knocking ) Yes, can I help you? Are you Ms.
, uh, Hutchins? Yes.
Well, I think I got your mail by mistake.
She'd like to help him make another mistake.
That is so sweet of you.
I just moved here about a month ago.
Where-- where do you live? In poverty.
Around the corner.
In the building behind you.
Well, I guess that means we're neighbors.
I'm Darlene.
And you're? Married.
Julius.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Mm-hmm.
While my father was getting hit on, I was about to get my first punch in.
Most guys-- they want to learn how to box so they can punch, understand? Uppercut, jab, hook.
Right? But punching is only the second most important thing in boxing.
What's the first thing? Not getting hit.
Muhammad Ali said it best: gotta "float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.
The hands can't hit what the eyes can't see.
" All right, pop.
Ow! That hurt, right? Yeah, that's why I said, "Ow.
" Okay, so at that moment, what would you rather be doing, punching or not getting hit? Not getting hit.
Okay.
Good.
Take a swing at me.
Give it everything you got.
That's good.
Okay, now, keep it coming.
Keep 'em coming.
Whoa! Nice! See, the best offense is a strong defense.
Okay? Because defense is the art of preparing for any eventuality.
Because when you get hit, eventually, you're going down.
Right? But when they show up, what do they do if you're not there? We could ask Osama Bin Laden.
While I was taking my first boxing lesson, Drew was about to learn something new.
Hey, Dad, I need some help.
My window is stuck, and it's kind of stuffy in here.
By stuffy he means funky.
Let me take a look at it.
( grunting ) Now, that's a nice welcome to the neighborhood.
Since you had a little something for me I got a little something for you.
( grunts ) There you go.
Thanks, Dad.
Drew wanted more fresh air, but he got something even better.
Instead of taking her clothes off, she should have kept her glasses on.
( playful theme playing ) Relax, we know this is a kids' show.
Cool.
( sighs ) Earlier that day my mother had made my father's sandwich with a little extra love.
"Thinking of you.
Love, Rochelle.
" ( busy signal buzzing ) Secretly, he was happy 'cause he got his dime back.
Back at school, there was only one person more excited about me boxing than me.
Dude, you're learning the way of the pugilist.
The sweet science of fisticuffs.
I'm just learning the basics.
Yeah, if that's the case, maybe you can understand why Tyson's gonna dismantle Bonecrusher.
Oh, you wish.
I heard they're having a closed-circuit screening at Madison Square Garden, but it's been sold out for months.
Dude, I'd do anything to see that fight.
Would you fight Mike Tyson? Whoa, that's good.
That's good! Maybe it's time we try you in the ring with some real boxers.
Whoa, whoa.
I'm trying to learn to defend myself against regular guys, not boxers.
That's what I'm saying.
If you can stay out of the way of a real boxer, a regular guy is never gonna be able to lay a hand on you.
Look, the fact is, I think you got talent.
And I could use your help with some sparring.
I'll sweeten the pot for you.
I'll give you two passes to the closed-circuit Tyson-Bonecrusher fight.
What do you say? Dude, you have to do this.
It's a no-brainer.
If you had no brain, wouldn't you make bad decisions? ( punch ) Whoa.
You see? I need you.
You need me.
And we need those tickets.
So it's a win-win.
Said the guy who didn't get punched.
While Drew watched Darlene through a window, Darlene watched my father through Coke-bottle glasses.
# Walking down the street # # Watching ladies go by, watching you # Hey, Julius! I was just coming to look for you.
You were? Yeah.
This is gonna sound crazy.
You are not gonna believe this, but I got some of your mail.
Isn't that crazy? That's crazy.
Yeah.
Not as crazy as her.
It is so crazy how we live right behind each other.
Yeah.
I guess I'll be seeing a lot more of you if they keep messing up our mail like this.
I don't mind if you don't.
Looks like you got more of my mail than me.
Isn't that crazy? Yeah, it's crazy.
Thanks.
I'll see you later.
Yes, you will.
( laughing ) # Made up my mind, but I'm lookin'.
# While my father was dealing with a crazy woman, I was starting to feel like a crazy man.
Ah, I'm glad you showed up.
I'm not.
So who do you want me to spar with? Painmaker.
( grunting ) I was about to fight Painmaker, and the phone bill was about to cause my father some pain of his own.
What? Who's been making phone calls at midnight? Two dollars, thank you.
Meanwhile, Drew's window was attracting more perverts than Times Square.
Gracias.
( knocking ) Hey.
Hey.
What's up, Dad? You haven't been playing on the phone at midnight, have you? Nope.
Wasn't me.
What about Tonya or Chris? I don't think so.
Why do you have that window open like that? Somebody could come in here and steal our whole house.
Not with me in here.
Oh, after you opened it, I couldn't get it shut again.
Thanks, Dad.
Okay.
# You're stepping so high # Hey, hey, there she is! Showtime.
This gives a whole other meaning to Neighborhood Watch.
See that right there.
Whoo! ( whistles ) ( whistling ) That's nasty.
Are you serious?! ( boys cheering ) All right, now don't forget: just keep bobbing and weaving.
Bobbing and weaving, right? Go get him, Champ.
Champ? Who's he talking to? ( boxing bell rings three times ) ( scattered cheering ) ( athletic theme playing ) ( thuds, bell rings ) To your corner.
Dude, that was incredible.
Good job, Chris.
That's what you do.
I knew you had it in you.
How you feel? ( speaking gibberish through mouthpiece ) I just said, "Somebody please take my mouthpiece out.
" By dinnertime I wasn't hungry because I was full of myself.
Where's your mother? She's at work.
But I gave away my extra shift so I could see her.
Well, she took an extra shift because she thought you were working late.
I need to call her.
( phone ringing ) For a woman, there's only one thing that replaces a man: a pity party.
( singing along with radio ): # All by myself # ( phone continues ringing ) # Don't want to be # # All by myself # # Anymore # While my mother was shaking with emotion, Tonya was shaking down Drew.
( drawer closes ) So how much are you charging them? What are you talking about? I'm talking about you and your nasty friends peeping on that lady.
( whispering ): Shut up.
Keep your voice down.
I figure you're charging them two dollars a head.
I want half.
I'm not giving you a dime because if you tell I was looking, I'm going to tell Mama about the liquor and cigarettes you've been hiding in your room.
I didn't hide any liquor or cigarettes in my room.
Oh, you didn't? Maybe it was me.
While Drew had Tonya's number, my father was running down the midnight number.
( line ringing ) MAN ( on phone ): This is Lawrence.
How you doing, baby? Not good.
Hey, fellas.
Here's your tickets to the closed-circuit Tyson-Bonecrusher fight.
Hey, Sugar Hill.
What'd you just call me? Oh-ho-ho, everybody, get back; stand back.
I don't want to miss this.
I called you "Sugar Hill.
" What's the matter? You deaf? Hey, hey, hey! What is this? Four against one.
That ain't a fair fight.
That's the point of four against one.
Don't worry, Coach.
I can handle this.
Oh, yeah? Hit me.
( dramatic theme plays ) Ha, ha-ha! You see? You can't touch my guy.
Scram! Beat it! Let's go.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
Yeah, that's right.
Walk away.
Wow! I didn't know you could fight like that.
That's Chris.
I'm his friend.
Shut up.
All right.
I box down at the gym.
Can I come down and watch you? Yeah, sure.
Coach, you got anybody else for me to take? Oh, sure.
You could, uh, you could spar with Julio.
Doesn't make any difference to me whether I'm not getting hit by Painmaker or not getting hit by Julio.
I'll set it up.
Who is Julio anyway? My Silver Shorts champion.
"Silver Shorts"? Doesn't that mean, like, the best boxer in the city? Yeah.
What's the difference? I'll see you there.
Not if I leave town.
While I had to get in the ring with Julio, my father had to get in a round with my mother.
Rochelle, we need to talk.
Okay, baby, in a minute.
Oh, open that window.
It's stuck.
I need some air.
( Slave's "Watching You" plays ) # There you go swayin' Blowing my mind # I'll be downstairs.
Okay.
Oh, he opened it too high.
# You can tell Walking down the street # # Watching ladies go by, watching you # # Hope that you can tell # What is this? # Walking down the street, watching ladies # # Go by, watching you # Drew, tell your father I'll be right back.
Okay.
While my mother prepared for a showdown, I got ready for a beat-down.
( boxing bell rings twice ) ( boxing bell rings once ) ( body thuds ) We already have the tickets for the fight tomorrow night.
Caruso can't touch you, and that girl you wanted to try to impress, she didn't even show up.
You really don't have to get in the ring with that guy.
You're right.
Let's just go.
I'll tell Thurman I got sick.
Oh, there you are! I've been looking for you.
Come on.
You're up next.
Oh! My God! I am so sorry.
I didn't know.
I-- I am so oh, my God, I don't know what you must think of me.
I am so Well Well, if Julius wasn't the one looking at me, then who was it? ( all screaming ) When is she gonna stop screaming and start stripping? Man, that's my mom! I know.
( boxing bell rings ) Back at the gym, I was out of the frying pan and into the fire.
THURMAN: You said it yourself, "What difference does it make not getting punched," right? "Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.
His hands can't hit what his eyes can't see.
" Up to that point, I was perfecting my defense.
But then I did something wrong.
I decided to try my offense.
( cheering ) Look out! Look out! Look out! ( a la Mickey ): "Get out of the way, Rock! Get out of the way!" Get out of the way! Unfortunately, Julio believed the best offense was a stronger offense.
While my head was spinning, my father went right to the point.
What happened to you? And who is Lawrence? How do you know about Lawrence? Wrong answer.
I got the phone bill.
You've been talking to him every night.
How lonely have you been, Rochelle? ( laughing ) This isn't funny.
Yes, it is.
Julius, Lawrence is a radio deejay.
I told you.
I've been lonely, so sometimes I call him and I ask him to play songs that remind me of you.
Hmm.
But some of these calls are for 30 minutes.
Sometimes he puts me on hold.
There's a lot of lonely people out there, baby.
Oh.
You feel stupid, huh? Yeah.
( chuckles ) That's what's funny.
It wasn't the attention my mother wanted, but it did make her feel closer to my father.
( phone ringing ) What happened? Champ knocked you out.
( groans ) Man, we better get going.
We're going to miss the fight.
You already missed the fight, stupid.
It's over? Tyson won in a ten-round decision.
You've been in a coma for three days.
Doctor said you're going to need your rest.
When Julio hit you, he kind of damaged your inner ear, so your equilibrium's off a little bit.
What's that mean? It means no more boxing.
But the good news is he didn't break your legs.
So you can still run.
No more boxing? Really? Yeah, watch.
I'm going to come at you with this hand, and you're going to try to move.
Ow! # Everybody hates Chris # ( upbeat theme playing )