Frasier s04e15 Episode Script

Oh, did I mention, two members of my fear-of-commitment group have announced they're getting married.
Oh, congratulations.
There's a downside, though.
They're New Age types.
The wedding is to be held in the woods.
- So? - I need a date.
You know how the women in my crowd tend to droop outdoors.
Yes, well, Niles, there are all different sorts of women in the world, you know.
Perhaps if you'd tiptoe beyond the fringes of your precious circle, cast a wider net.
Frasier, that woman by the side of the road spearing trash Not that wide.
No, no, no, it's Roz.
My God, it is.
If she realizes we've recognized her, she'll be utterly humiliated.
Oh, Roz? Oh, my God.
You're not seeing me.
Go away.
Roz, what on earth are you doing here? Just let me in.
- Wait, I'll spread papers.
- Oh, yes.
FRASIER: Thank you, Niles.
All right.
Okay, let's go.
What? What do you mean "let's go"? L I can't do that.
I don't even know why you're here.
About a month ago, I got stopped doing 60 in a 30-mile-an-hour zone.
It was either a huge fine or community service.
So here I am, and it's a nightmare.
Breathing exhaust fumes, using a spatula to scrape up roadkill.
Well, at least just look on the bright side.
You're outdoors.
You can enjoy nature.
- You're beautifying our highways - Frasier, I found an ear.
Was there no other service you could've performed? The only other option was visiting old people in a retirement home.
And you chose this? Think about it: Walking the streets, picking up trash You can see how Roz would go with the familiar.
Niles.
Old people just make me uncomfortable.
Roz, have you ever considered that your discomfort around the elderly may stem from your own fear of growing old? Wow! Do you think? Oh, my God.
- What? - It's my supervisor.
Hit the gas.
- I can't.
It might be illegal.
- Move or your brother gets it.
- Absolutely not.
- All right, the headrest.
Off we go.
[GRUNTING.]
Oh, well, Dad, doing your exercises.
Very good.
DAPHNE: Just a little farther.
There you go.
Congratulations, Mr Crane.
You finally got your knee past your rib cage.
It's no big deal.
Well, it's more than Lilith could accomplish in five years of marriage.
You know, it's so gratifying to see your father make these little improvements.
It's days like this when I'm glad I took this position.
We're all glad you took this position.
You know, Daphne, I must say, there are some times I envy you.
Here you go, Niles.
You know, I'll just say that it's always gratifying to see some reward for your efforts.
Lately, that's something I've been lacking in my own work.
NILES: How so? - Oh, well, you know, back in private practice I could spend months, even years with a patient, see the fruits of my labour.
Now, somebody calls in, I give my advice and never know how things work out.
I simply release my humble words in the airwaves, and then they're gone forever, vanished.
So like my Tiffany cuff links.
I'd hoped to wear them to my New Age wedding.
They've disappeared.
So you know my pain.
Well, I'm not really dissatisfied.
It's just that Well, Daphne, you know, you get to see your progress with Dad.
Niles, you have the upcoming marriage of your commitment-phobics.
Oh, come on.
You help people all the time.
- You helped me just the other day.
- How? Well, I was worried because Eddie had lost his appetite, and you remember what you said? If I remember rightly, I said, "Well, why don't you just give him some of my truffle foie gras.
" Right.
I was being funny.
Oh.
Yeah, well, I knew that.
That just cheered me right up.
Come on, Eddie.
- Excuse me, Bulldog.
- What's up, doc? Listen, have you seen Roz? She's late.
My show goes on in 30 seconds.
You know what? I'd dump her.
A little extreme, don't you think? I fire everybody once a year.
Housekeepers, personal trainers.
Cut them off before they start copping an attitude.
Oh, oh, doctors are the worst of all.
You pick up the same disease three or four times, they start lecturing you like it's your fault.
You want a bite? Not if you skipped it to me across a pool of disinfectant.
Hello, Seattle.
Good afternoon.
This is Dr Frasier Crane.
Today we're gonna do things just a little bit different.
For the past four years now, I've been taking your calls and giving advice.
And I was thinking, perhaps our listeners wonder how things have turned out.
I know I do.
So today I invite those of you who've called in in the past to give us a holler, and we can catch up on how things have worked out for you.
All our lines are open.
Come on.
Come on, you know the number.
There we are.
Hello, this is Dr Frasier Crane.
How did I help you? CHET: Hello, Dr Crane.
This is Chet from Whidbey Island.
I gave you a call last year.
I was having problems with low self-esteem.
I see.
And did my advice help you to become more assertive? CHET: Damn straight.
Yeah, now people say I'm downright arrogant.
Well, you know what I say? Screw them.
Well, perhaps you took my advice just a bit too far.
CHET: Who the hell are you? Screw you too.
Well, as I give myself a well-deserved pat on the back and Chet marches off to invade Poland, let's just go to commercial.
Well, Roz, glad you could join us.
You're lucky I made it at all.
I took your advice and went down to that retirement home to finish off my community service.
It's a lot better than spearing trash, isn't it? You tell me.
I started playing checkers with this old man, Mr Krantz.
Well, things got a little competitive, and he made a really bad move, and I said, "You're a dead man.
" Oh, dear.
I think I see where this story's headed.
A minute later, he's lying sprawled across the board.
Pieces are everywhere.
The whole place is screaming.
When I pulled him up, he still had a checker stuck to his forehead.
Roz, I am so sorry, I Jeez, I can see how you could be very traumatized by this.
Hi, we're back.
That was a catchy little commercial, wasn't it? Let's get back to it.
Roz, listen, you can't be too upset about this.
Now, given the circumstances, his age, and his surroundings, I mean, surely this thing was sort of expected.
Not with this guy.
The whole reason I liked him was he was so youthful and robust.
You should have seen him, Frasier.
He was raring to go.
He kept bragging about how good he was and how much fun it was gonna be.
Then he dies on me.
- Hey, it happens to all guys, okay? - Bulldog.
No, no, no, this is a pet peeve of mine, doc.
Why is it always the guy's fault? If you chicks needed a little less booze to get from maybe to yes, we'd be a lot more alert when the moment of truth arrives.
Bulldog, Roz was playing checkers with an elderly gentleman, and he died.
Oh, well Well, when I said we, I didn't mean me, because I don't have that.
Hey, you're a doctor.
That was confidential.
Well, I guess its back to scraping up roadkill.
FRASIER: Surely you realize what happened at the retirement home - was an aberration.
- Well, maybe so.
But I wasn't comfortable being around old people to begin with, and this hasn't helped matters.
Roz, listen, if you're ever going to conquer your fear of aging, get back down there and spend some time with these people.
You'll learn that they're really vital human beings.
- I'm still not convinced.
- All right, then think of it this way: There's been a lot of fog on the interstate lately, and the caribou are migrating.
"As the train whistle screamed and we started out of the station, I lowered the window and said, 'I'll be back.
' But somehow I knew I would never see her or Paris again.
The end.
" That was a pretty good book, wasn't it, Mr Gouldenstein? Mr Gouldenstein, you're feeling a little cold.
Can I make you a nice hot cup of Oh, my God! Come on, boy.
You can do it.
Come on.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hey, hey.
Hey, Fras, look at that.
He's dancing.
- He's practically doing a polka.
FRASIER: Good.
That should up his price when I sell him to the carnival.
DAPHNE: Hello.
- Hello, Daphne.
Back from the big wedding in the woods, huh? Oh, yes, and don't you look nice.
Except, what's this sticky stuff all over your shoulder here? - Did you finally find a date? - I asked Maris.
- Sap.
- I think Daphne speaks for us all.
- Just how the hell did this happen? - Well, I was desperate for a date, and I knew Maris would be lonely this time of year.
It's cruise season.
She never partakes.
She has an absolute terror of buffets.
Oh, yes, her legendary "smorgaphobia.
" So how did it go? Or how big a scene did she make? Actually, she did quite well.
She willingly joined in the ceremonial chanting, and when the shaman invited those so inclined to embrace their favourite tree, Maris said the only tree she was willing to embrace was her family tree.
Everyone laughed.
Well, I laughed.
Then it happened.
- They called for a group hug.
- Oh, dear.
Last time I saw her, she was racing toward her Mercedes, emitting a high-pitched shriek that caused the wedding doves to attack one another.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I'll see if I can find something to remove this sap.
- Another one died.
FRASIER: What? What happened? What's she talking about? Dad, Roz has been doing some community service down at a retirement home, and apparently, for the second time this week, one of her charges has died.
They're calling me the Angel of Death now.
Roz, you know this isn't your fault.
Maybe it is.
I've never been good with plants or animals.
Everything's always died on me.
You have a cat.
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
Roz, death is an occupational hazard of working with older people.
Trust me, I've lost more patients than I'd like to count.
You never said anything about that to me.
Didn't I? Anyway, you just sit there, and I'll go make you a nice cup of tea.
MARTIN: Wait, how many patients did you lose? DAPHNE: Well, I don't know.
I used to keep a tally in me diary, but it made me a bit sad.
Was it more than five? Now listen, Roz, there's no way that you can feel guilty about this.
I mean, those men were gonna die anyway, and you gave them some much welcomed companionship in their final moments.
It just seems so unfair.
One minute he's lying in the bed, smiling and happy, and ten seconds later it's over.
For heaven's sake, it happens to every man a couple of times in his life.
Why can't you women just take it as a compliment? Look, I appreciate you coming down here with me, but I don't think I can make it.
Roz, we have discussed this.
This is going to be your breakthrough day.
- They hate me here.
- You're just overreacting.
There's no way they think you're the Angel of Death.
- I'm leaving.
- No, Roz, this is not like you.
The Roz I know is not a quitter.
She's a fighter.
I just can't help thinking it's going to happen again.
They always die in threes.
Oh, God, that's just celebrities.
Come on.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
FRASIER: All right, in you go.
Just get Just get in there.
- Hi, I'm Roz.
- I'm Moira.
Come in.
- How are you feeling today? - Fine.
- Really? Do you feel okay? - Yes.
Now, do me a favour and hand me those cigarettes, would you? You know, these things do come with a warning.
So do you, darling.
I let you in.
Good afternoon.
How you doing? MAN: Is that Dr Crane? FRASIER: Yes.
MAN: Dr Frasier Crane? - Yes.
- Have we met? - No, but I thought that was you.
I recognise your voice from the radio.
I listen to your program all the time.
Norman Royster.
Well, it's my pleasure.
Are you here visiting somebody? No, I'm just here with a friend of mine, Roz.
- She's doing some community service.
- Oh, the Angel of Death.
Nice gal.
You know, I remember one day I was listening to your program, and it was right after my wife died, and I was going through kind of a rough patch You told this guy who was going through the same thing that he should keep pictures of his wife around to help with the transition.
That was a good idea.
So you started keeping pictures with you? Well, that wouldn't make much sense, now would it? Well, no.
Well, what did you do? Well, I remembered, when we were dating, Helen made this life mask of herself for art class, and I had my daughter dig through the attic, and, lo and behold, she found it.
This is the way she looked when we met.
- Isn't she beautiful? - Oh, yes.
NORMAN: So you were right.
Every night, before I fall asleep, I run my fingers over Helen's beautiful face, and it takes me back to all those wonderful years we had together.
It made a world of difference.
I wanna thank you.
You really helped me.
You have no idea how nice it is to hear that.
[BEEPING.]
Would you excuse me? It's time for me to take one of my many pills.
- Make yourself at home.
- Thank you.
[THUD.]
- What was that? - Nothing.
Nothing.
- I just knocked your ashtray over.
- Well, I hope it wasn't damaged.
My grandson made that for me at summer camp.
Oh, no, it's intact.
Not the tiniest chip.
Oh, good.
Set it back on the table.
You know how attached you get to family things.
- Do you have children, Dr Crane? - Well, yes.
Dr Crane, are you on the floor? I was just tying my shoelace.
Yes, yes, I have a son.
I'd much rather hear about your family.
Well, I got four sons and one daughter.
You wouldn't happen to be single now by any chance, would you, Dr Crane? As a matter of fact, I am.
So is my daughter.
I'll tell you about her first.
She's a sweet thing.
Beautiful too.
Just like her mother.
Same cheekbones, same nose.
And what a lovely nose it is.
So there are four of us in the raft, and I see we're heading into a patch of white water.
Suddenly, we slam into a rock, and the next thing I know, my teeth are flying into the Colorado River.
I damned near dived in after them.
Those teeth cost more than the whole trip.
- You've had quite a life.
- I suppose.
Never got arrested, though.
Oh, good for you.
It wasn't so great.
You know, it was the first time I ever got pulled over and couldn't flirt my way past it.
Oh, that's almost as bad as the first time somebody calls you ma'am.
That happened the other day.
It's been kind of a rough week.
I bet I know just what you're thinking.
"This is only the beginning.
It's only gonna get worse from here.
" Well, yeah.
Let me tell you something.
I'm 81 now.
And every morning, I open my eyes, and I see the sun streaming through the window.
I hear the birds chirping.
I smell the coffee brewing down the hall.
And I walk into the bathroom, and I look into the mirror.
- Do you know what I say to myself? - What? [SCREAMS.]
What the hell is that? That's the second thing I say.
The point is, it is only gonna get worse from where you are right now.
What did you want me to say? Life gets better with every passing year? You wanna hear that, you go talk to Mrs Adelman.
You can't miss her.
She's the one in the TV room with the inflatable seahorse around her waist.
Well, you're not making me feel any better, Moira.
Because I can't.
Nobody likes to get older, but it doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself.
I'll tell you a funny story.
Last Thursday, I hacked into the main computer here and changed the schedule.
So now I get all my sponge baths from Eduardo.
You're kidding me.
Look, you're way too young to be concerned about all this.
Don't waste the best years of your life worrying about something you can't control.
I know.
I know you're right.
You know, I wouldn't care about getting older if I thought my mind was gonna be as sharp as yours is.
Sharp? I'll tell you a funny story.
Last Thursday, I hacked into the main computer here and changed the schedule, and now I get all my sponge baths from Eduardo.
With the exception of not being able to watch Willie Mays steal second, or Michael Jordan on a breakaway dunk, not a whole lot I feel like I missed out on.
Listen, have you got any glue around here? I don't think so.
Why? Well, the onyx has popped out of my cuff link, and I was just hoping I might be able to reaffix it.
The closest thing I have is denture adhesive.
It's on the dresser.
Oh, good, good.
Well, it's worth a try.
Oh, these pills may keep me alive, but they sure don't keep me awake.
- You find it? - Yes.
Yes, you know, I think this just might do the trick.
You know, the worst part about all this is I used to be the kind of person who never got tired.
Well, you know, then, perhaps maybe we should take a brisk walk.
- Get that old circulation going.
- No, that's okay.
It's close to my bedtime anyway.
Seems like you have a visitor, Norman.
Come in.
Come in.
It's probably Mrs Adelman.
She was an Avon lady before she lost her mind.
Well, you know My goodness, that is a smashing robe.
I'm in the market for one like it.
Stand up.
Maybe I can read the label.
Come over here and have a look.
I seem to be sitting on something.
Oh, my cuff link.
All right, you know, here, I'll just place it back in here carefully and Well, there we go.
Good as new.
Yes, well, Norman, I can't tell you what a nice time it's been spending a day with you.
- It was nice of you to drop by.
- My pleasure.
Oh, you're over there.
Well, yeah, I was just having one last look at Helen.
Isn't she beautiful? Such delicate features.
They certainly are.
Well, Norman, it was a real pleasure.
- I hope you keep listening to my show.
- I sure will.
You're a good man.
Not a lot of people left with your kind of integrity.
Norman I have a little confession to make.
I didn't I didn't drop your ashtray.
I dropped the mask.
And the nose broke off.
I feel just terrible.
Oh, that's why you needed my denture adhesive.
- Yes.
- Well, usually it works pretty well.
I must've dropped that mask ten times.
I am blind, you know.
Certainly is a relief to hear that.
Well, you know, I'd better get out of here before I do any further damage.
It was great meeting you.
Want me to leave the light on or off? Surprise me.