King of the Hill s04e15 Episode Script
Naked Ambition
( outboard motor approaching) WA-HOO! YIP-YIP-YIP-YIP! WHOO-HOO! ( yelling and grumbling ) ( giggling ) SHOULDN'T SHE BE WEARING A LIFE VEST? NO! ( grunts ) ( horn honking ) LET'S GO, KAHN JUNIOR! I'LL SEE YOU LATER, BOBBY.
WAIT.
I CAN RIDE HOME WITH YOU.
WE COULD SIT IN THE BACK AND HOLD HANDS.
MAYBE NEXT TIME.
MY MOM'S GOT THIS NEW MOISTURIZER I'VE BEEN SNEAKING.
VERY SMOOTH MY HANDS ARE STILL PRUNY.
IT WOULDN'T BE FAIR TO YOU.
WHAT? YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD THEM WE'RE DATING.
IT'S NOT YOU, BOBBY.
IT'S JUST MY DAD HAS HIS HEART SE ON ME GOING OUT WITH CHANE WASSANASONG.
WHO WASNASONG? CHANE.
HE'S LAOTIAN.
BUT DOES HE MAKE YOU LAUGH? YOU ARE GETTING SLEEPY SLEEPY.
YOU WILL TELL YOUR PARENTS ABOUT US AND YOU WILL QUIT SMOKING.
( horn honking ) ( laughs ) I'LL TELL THEM.
I PROMISE.
SON, WHY IS THERE A TOWEL ON YOUR HEAD? YOU, SIR, ARE GETTING SLEEPY.
FROM NOW ON, YOU WILL BUY ONLY BRAND-NAME COLA.
( sighs ) JUST GO CHANGE.
HEY, BOOMHAUER! PEGGY WON'T LET ME IN HER CAR.
CAN I GO HOME WITH YOU? NO WAY, MAN.
YOU KNOW, DANG OL' LAST-HOUR RAYS, MAN.
YOU KNOW, NEVER DOES, NO SUN ON THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON, MAN.
NO, GO HOME, WITH GRIBBLE.
OKAY.
CALL ME LATER IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH FUN WE HAD TODAY.
( shrieks ) ( shrieks ) ( sighs ) ( shrieks ) ( shrieks ) BOBBY, HAVE YOU SEEN LUANNE? NO, SHE'S MY COUSIN.
I'M GONNA RIDE HOME WITH JOSEPH.
OH, MAN.
WHAT DID SHE LOOK LIKE? COME ON, COME ON.
I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.
SHE'S GOT BIG BOOBS, DOESN'T SHE? YES! I KNEW IT! LUANNE IS PRACTICALLY MY SISTER.
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE HER IN THAT STATE OF AFFAIRS.
I JUST GOT TO GET THAT PICTURE OUT OF MY HEAD.
PUT IT IN MY HEAD.
TELL ME EVERYTHING.
WAS SHE WEARING HIGH HEELS? SHE WASN'T WEARING ANYTHING! OH, MAN.
I'M GOING TO PICTURE HER IN HIGH HEELS.
OH.
( dog barking ) ( car alarm blaring ) ( muttering gibberish ) I GOT A DANG OL' HUH? UH-OH.
HEY, BOBBY, UH I THOUGHT WE COULD WALK TO SCHOOL TOGETHER TODAY.
WE WALK TO SCHOOL TOGETHER EVERY DAY AND WE DON'T LEAVE FOR ANOTHER 20 MINUTES.
I CAN'T GO BACK HOME.
MY DAD ALREADY ARMED THE PERIMETER.
HEY, LUANNE HI.
( sighs ) ( laughing, gasps ) YEAH.
YO, MA'AM.
WHAT YOU LOOKING AT, MAN? DESERT KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS.
HEY.
UP.
OH.
EH, WHAT YOU DOIN', MAN? I'M TALKIN' IN A BAD WAY, MAN.
AIN'T GOT NO FLIP-FLOPS.
WALK ACROSS THE STREET LIKE A DANG OL' HOT COALS, MAN.
DOGS BARKING LIKE A DEAD CHICKEN RUNNING AROUND WITH HIS HEAD CUT OFF, MAN.
HEAD CUT OFF.
OOH.
SO I'M WALKING TO MY TRUCK AND BAM, RIGHT INTO A SPIDER WEB.
( chuckles ) I SNEEZED FOR A HALF AN HOUR.
MY CLASS WAS CANCELED AND THE LIBRARY WAS CLOSED.
( giggles ) I LOVE COLLEGE.
HEY, BOBBY-- I THOUGHT I'D COME OVER AND HELP YOU WITH YOUR MATH HOMEWORK.
WE'RE KIND OF IN THE MIDDLE OF DINNER RIGHT NOW.
I'LL WAIT.
HEY, LUANNE.
YEAH, HI.
PATIENT EXHIBITING CLASSIC SIGNS OF SCHIZOPHRENIA.
I WAKE UP SUNBURN WHERE I AM VERBAL SALAD, DISREGARD FOR PERSONAL HYGIENE POSSIBLY A THREAT TO HIMSELF.
AND GO HOME, MAN, WHAT DO YOU SAY? RECOMMENDATION: 72-HOUR INVOLUNTARY COMMITMENT.
OH, DANG.
OKAY, BOOMHAUER, YOU WIN.
I PROMISE NOT TO TELL HANK.
WHAT? YOU'RE WHERE? THE BOOBY HATCH? WAIT-- THE GENTLEMAN'S CLUB OR THE MENTAL HOSPITAL? OH, MY GOD! THERE MUST HAVE BEEN SOME KIND OF MISUNDERSTANDING.
OH, THERE WAS? I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
( kissing ) OH, COME ON.
WHERE YOU GOING? I'M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT MY KISS.
I CAN WAIT.
I CAN DESTROY YOU.
MRS.
JOHNSON'S BAG HAS SIX PUPPIES AND MR.
PETERSON'S BAG HAS MINUS FOUR PUPPIES.
Luanne: GOOD NIGHT, UNCLE HANK, AUNT PEGGY.
SHE'S GOING TO BED.
MAYBE I COULD SEE HER NAKED WHEN SHE'S CHANGING.
I WISH YOU COULD GET THAT EXCITED ABOUT MY MATH HOMEWORK.
GOING TO BED, LUANNE? NOPE.
FIRST I GOT TO SHOWER.
( gasps ) JOSEPH, MY PARENTS ARE RIGHT DOWN THE HALL.
WHY DON'T YOUR DOORS HAVE KEYHOLES? YOU'RE STARTING TO CREEP ME OUT.
NOW, GO HOME.
( gasps ) BOBBY, IT'S PERFECTLY NATURAL TO WANT TO SEE A WOMAN NAKED BUT I AM YOUR COUSIN.
NOW, THE FIRST TIME WAS AN ACCIDEN BUT IF I CATCH YOU AGAIN, YOU ARE GOING TO HELL.
ARE YOU CRAZY? WE'RE GOING TO GET CAUGHT.
I COULD GO TO HELL.
I CAN'T HELP MYSELF.
I GOT A MONKEY ON MY BACK, AND IT WANTS TO SEE LUANNE NAKED.
OKAY, ONE QUICK LOOK AND THEN YOU GO HOME.
AH, I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING.
IT'S ALL FOGGED UP.
TOO BAD.
SHE LIKES HOT SHOWERS.
DOES SHE? GIVE ME THOSE.
( shrieks ) JOSEPH? UH-OH.
BOBBY? BOBBY! HEY, CONNIE.
HOW DARE YOU, BOBBY.
PEEPING AT ME IS BAD ENOUGH BUT BRINGING YOUR FRIEND OVER TO SCOPE ME OUT, TOO? CONNIE, PLEASE, YOU DON'T THIS WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR? IS THIS WHAT YOU CAME TO SEE? WELL, TAKE A GOOD LOOK, YOU PERVS.
YOU DISGUST ME.
HONEST, CONNIE, WE WEREN'T LOOKING AT YOU.
WE WERE LOOKING AT BIRDS.
BIRDS? JOSEPH AND I WERE LOOKING AT BIRDS.
WE WERE BIRD-WATCHING.
AT NIGHT? YOU KNOW A BETTER TIME TO SEE AN OWL? OR A BAT.
A-A BAT? YOU'RE NOT ONLY A PERVERT.
YOU'RE A LIAR.
I'M A LIAR? HAVE YOU TOLD YOUR PARENTS WE'RE DATING LIKE YOU SAID YOU WOULD? NO AND MAYBE NOW I DON'T HAVE TO.
MAYBE YOU DON'T.
MAYBE I DON'T.
OOPS.
HEY, LOOK.
( owl hoots ) OKAY, SMOKING BREAK'S OVER.
LAST ONE INSIDE LOSES INTERNET PRIVILEGES.
HEY.
YOU.
CRAZY GUY.
I'LL GIVE YOU A SMOKE IF YOU TRADE CLOTHES WITH ME.
BOOMHAUER? OH, MAN, OL' DANG ABOUT TIME, GRIBBLE, MAN.
GO HIT THE ROAD, MAN.
INFILTRATION OF MENTAL HOSPITAL COMPLETE.
PROCEED TO PHASE TWO: EX-FILTRATION OF MENTAL HOSPITAL.
APPARENTLY THIS DOOR HAS SOME SORT OF ANTI-OPENING DEVICE.
I DON'T REMEMBER MY LOCKER COMBINATION.
CONNIE KEEPS TRACK OF THAT KIND OF STUFF AND SHE'S STILL ICING ME OUT-- TRYING TO GET ME TO CRACK.
YOU CAN'T TELL HER THE TRUTH.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY? YOU LET ME COP A LOOK AT YOUR NAKED COUSIN? HEY, CONNIE.
BOBBY.
COME ON, BABY, DON'T BE THAT WAY.
WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER TONIGHT? I GOT A NEW LASER POINTER.
SORRY, BOBBY.
I HAVE PLANS.
NO, WAIT.
I'M NOT SORRY.
WHICH IS WHY SO MANY PEOPLE ARE SUDDENLY ALLERGIC TO PEANUTS.
THE PEANUTS ARE EMITTING TOXINS AS AN EVOLUTIONARY DEFENSE MECHANISM.
THEY'RE TIRED OF BEING EATEN AND NOW THEY'RE FIGHTING BACK.
I SEE.
ANYHOO I JUST STOPPED BY TO PICK UP MY BUDDY BOOMHAUER.
YOU SEE, WE'RE BOTH IN HERE BY MISTAKE.
NOW, I CAN'T VOUCH FOR BOOMHAUER BUT I AM MOST DEFINITELY NOT CRAZY.
GO ON.
DID YOU JUST SAY "GO, MOM"? NOW WHO'S THE CRAZY ONE? UH-HUH UH-HUH DID YOU TRY TELLING THEM YOU'RE NOT CRAZY? UH-HUH.
NO, I DON'T SEE ANY REASON WHY HANK HAS TO KNOW.
MM-MMM.
CAN I TELL BOOMHAUER? NO.
OKAY.
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
( laughing ) ( horn honking ) CONNIE SOUPHANOUSINPHONE MEET CHANE WASSANASONG.
( gasps ) YOU ARE MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN YOUR PICTURE LED ME TO BELIEVE.
WHAT PICTURE? I SEND HIM PICTURE-- SO WHAT? GO HAVE GREAT TIME.
CHANE, MAYBE WE CAN SI IN THE BACKSEA AND HOLD HANDS? ( whimpering ) NOW, I KNOW THIS IS GOING TO SOUND CRAZY-- PARDON ME, "INSANE"-- BUT TWO OF MY BEST FRIENDS HAVE BEEN ACCIDENTALLY COMMITTED TO THIS NUTHOUSE.
I'LL GET THE DOCTOR ON CALL, JUST DON'T LET ANYONE TOUCH MY SCISSORS.
OH, MAN, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
TALKIN' ABOUT THAT OLD CRAZY ROOMMATE TRYIN' TO GET ME TO OLD SWALLOW MY DANG OLD TONGUE.
HOLD THAT THOUGHT-- I THINK I HEAR BILL.
IT'S JUST THAT IN THE ALLEY, NO ONE CARES WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.
BUT HERE I FEEL HEARD AND ACCEPTED AND DARE I SAY LOVED? PING-PONG? YO.
HAVE A NICE TIME? BOBBY? DID HE WIN THAT FOR YOU AT THE CARNIVAL? NO.
UM, CHANE COLLECTS THEM, BUT, UH, OTHERWISE HE'S THE MAN OF MY DREAMS AND I'M GOING TO MARRY HIM.
YOU CAN'T.
WHY NOT? OH, ALL RIGHT WE WEREN'T BIRD-WATCHING-- WE WERE PEEPING.
NOW, CALL OFF THE WEDDING! WELL, THANK YOU FOR FINALLY TELLING THE TRUTH.
YEAH, BUT WE WEREN'T PEEPING AT YOU.
I ACCIDENTALLY SAW LUANNE NAKED AT THE RIVER, AND I TOLD JOSEPH.
AND HE GOT JEALOUS 'CAUSE HE'S IN LOVE WITH HER SO THEN HE WANTED TO SEE HER NAKED AND I SAID OKAY, BUT JUST FOR A LITTLE AND THEN YOU CAUGHT US.
SO YOU WEREN'T PEEPING AT ME? YOU GOT TO BELIEVE ME, CONNIE-- I WOULD NEVER PEEP AT YOU.
NEVER, EVER.
I GUESS I SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED.
I MEAN, WHO WOULD WANT TO LOOK AT ME WHEN THEY COULD LOOK AT HER? I WOULD! NOT THROUGH A WINDOW OR ANYTHING BUT IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER.
I MEAN, YOU ARE MY GIRLFRIEND AREN'T YOU? YES.
WELL, THAT'S WHA BOYFRIENDS AND GIRLFRIENDS DO-- THEY TAKE OFF THEIR CLOTHES AND THEN THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER NAKED.
I GUESS.
SURE THEY DO! I MEAN, DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE ME NAKED? OKAY.
OH, REALLY? HMM WELL, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO NO, IT'S T-TELL YOU WHAT-- MAYBE WE COULD JUST START WITH OUR SHIRTS, YOU KNOW? WHAT'S THE RUSH? WE GOT OUR WHOLE LIVES AHEAD OF US.
OKAY.
YOU FIRST.
( sighing ) OKAY YOU'VE GOT A PRETTY BODY.
THANK YOU.
HERE GOES SO, HOW WAS DATE WITH CHANE? ( gasps ) KAHN, WHAT'S GOING NO! Kahn: OH, MY.
REPEAT AFTER ME: BOBBY HILL IS NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND.
CHANE WASSANASONG IS YOUR BOYFRIEND.
NO, HE'S NOT.
CHANE WASSANASONG IS YOUR BOYFRIEND.
MOM, WE HAD ONE DATE.
I DON'T EVEN LIKE CHANE WASSANASONG! CHANE WASSANASONG IS A BORING KNOW-IT-ALL WHO ONLY TALKS ABOUT HIMSELF AND CHEATS AT MINIATURE GOLF.
I DON'T WANT TO DATE HIM.
I WANT TO DATE BOBBY.
HA-HA! YOU THINK THAT BOY HAVE FUTURE?! THAT NOT BABY FAT-- THAT PERMANENT.
KAHN JR.
, YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE.
YOU ARE GROUNDED! AND BOBBY HILL IS NOT ALLOWED ON MY PROPERTY.
Joseph: FIRST YOU COP A LOOK A LUANNE THEN YOU SEE CONNIE NAKED? MAN, WHEN DID YOU BECOME SUCH A PLAYER? I DIDN'T SEE CONNIE NAKED.
I ONLY SAW HER BELLY BUTTON.
HOW WAS IT? INCREDIBLE! BUT I'LL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN.
CONNIE'S GROUNDED, AND WHEN MY DAD HEARS ABOUT THIS HE'S GOING TO GROUND ME, TOO.
YOU'LL BE STUCK IN THE HOUSE ALL DAY WITH LUANNE? MMM-MMM-MMM.
WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.
THE SMOKING BREAKS ARE TOO SHOR THE FOOD IS GOOD, AT BES AND THE ANTIDEPRESSANTS ARE MAKING MY MOUTH DRY AND HAPPY.
CAN I GET SOME GLITTER, PLEASE? WHY DON'T WE JUST CALL HANK? NO! HANK MUST NEVER KNOW WE WERE IN HERE.
OUR SOCIETY STIGMATIZES THE MENTALLY ILL AND RIGHTLY SO.
THESE PEOPLE ARE NUTS! IF WE'RE EVER GOING TO BUST OUT OF HERE WE'LL NEED OUR WITS ABOUT US SO FROM NOW ON, NO MORE TAKING PILLS.
WE'RE GOING TO SAVE THEM UP AND THEN SELL THEM TO THE GUARDS.
AND WITH THAT MONEY, WE'LL BUY A ROPE.
DALE, MAN STUPID PLAN, NEVER GONNA WORK.
OH, REALLY? YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA? YEAH, MAN, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, MAN-- 'BOUT EVERY DAY AROUND 2:15, MAN, THAT OLD LAUNDRY TRUCK COMING ON THEM COFFEE BREAK, MAN, ALL WE DO NOTHING TO IT.
HA-HA! THAT IS THE WORST PLAN I HAVE EVER HEARD.
BUT THIS IS A DEMOCRACY SO WE'LL PUT IT TO A VOTE.
ALL IN FAVOR OF BOOMHAUER'S PLAN I MUST ADMIT, I'M SURPRISED BY THE RESULTS.
I FIGURED I HAD AT LEAST MY SUPPORT.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? ( sighing ) HEY, KAHN, I THOUGHT I HEARD SOMEONE MIXING CONCRETE.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M BUILDING FENCE-- BIG FENCE, EIGHT FEET TALL-- BETWEEN YOUR HOUSE AND MY HOUSE.
EIGHT FEET, HUH? YEAH YOU SEE, KAHN, IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD SIDE FENCES HAVE TO BE FIVE FOOT SIX OR UNDER.
IT'S NOT IN THE CODE OR ANYTHING-- IT'S JUST SOMETHING I'M TRYING TO ENFORCE.
YOU REALLY WANT TO HELP ME, HANK HILL? KEEP YOUR DIRTY LITTLE BOY'S HANDS OFF MY INNOCENT GENIUS DAUGHTER.
NOW, WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? LAST NIGHT, I CATCH BOBBY HALF-NAKED IN CONNIE'S ROOM.
BOBBY? TRUTH ABOUT YOUR LITTLE BOY NOT SO PRETTY AFTER ALL, IS IT, HANK HILL? HE GIRL-CRAZY SEX FIEND.
WELL, THAT BOY'S GOING TO GET A TALKING TO, I TELL YOU WHAT.
( chuckling ) ( sighing ) RON.
( alarm blaring ) OKAY, MAN MOVE, MOVE! ( all yelling ) HOW DID THEY FIND OUT ABOUT THIS? UH, I MIGHT HAVE MENTIONED SOMETHING IN GROUP.
( all yelling ) DANG OL' ( groaning ) FIRST ONE TO REGAIN CONSCIOUSNESS CALLS HANK.
ALL RIGHT, I JUST SPOKE WITH YOUR DOCTOR.
BOOMHAUER, YOU WERE KEPT FOR THE MANDATORY 72 HOURS AND SINCE YOU DON'T SEEM TO BE A THREA TO YOURSELF OR OTHERS, YOU'RE FREE TO GO.
ALL RIGHT! ( mumbling ) HANK, MAN.
UH, DALE, YOU WERE ACTUALLY NEVER ADMITTED SO YOU'RE ALSO FREE TO GO, BUT, UH, THE DOCTOR THINKS YOU SHOULD KEEP ON TAKING YOUR MEDICATION.
( grunting ) EASIER TO SWALLOW.
AND BILL, THE DOCTOR SAYS THAT SINCE YOU CHECKED YOURSELF IN VOLUNTARILY YOU CAN LEAVE WHENEVER YOU WANT.
YEAH, I KNOW.
BUT I THINK I'LL STAY A FEW MORE DAYS.
I'M MAKING SOME REAL PROGRESS HERE.
BILL, JUST GET IN THE TRUCK.
NO! I LEARNED IN GROUP THAT I SACRIFICE MY FEELINGS TOO EASILY.
MY FEELINGS ARE VALID, HANK.
I'M VALID.
OH-- I MADE THIS FOR YOU.
YOU WILL CALL CHANE WASSANASONG AND APOLOGIZE FOR NOT CALLING SOONER.
HERE.
I WROTE OUT LAOTIAN CHITCHAT FOR YOU.
MAKE SURE YOU USE HONORIFIC VERB FORM.
( laughing ) OH, YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY? NOT MANY LAOTIAN BOYS IN ARLEN.
DON'T PISS THIS AWAY.
( gasps ) HEE-HEE-HEE GO AHEAD-- TRY TO SNEAK INTO MY DAUGHTER'S ROOM NOW STUPID REDNECK.
BOBBY BOBBY! CONNIE! COME DOWN HERE! I MISS YOU.
I CAN'T MOVE OR I'LL SET OFF MY DAD'S SECURITY LIGHT.
DON'T MOVE! ( gasping ) DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I WAS JUST GETTING THE GUYS OUT OF THE INSANE ASYLUM.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? ( groaning ) THE, UH, TEN-FOOTER OUGHT TO DO IT.
THE MIDDLE ONE.
HURRY, BOBBY! AH! ( speaking Laotian ) I KNOW A COUPLE OF THOSE WORDS.
I BETTER GO.
BYE.
I SEE YOU.
KAHN SEE EVERYTHING! YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT TOO BIG TO BE SPANKED YOU DIRTY LITTLE HILLBILLY.
( screaming ) AUNT PEGGY! MR.
KAHN SAW ME NAKED! AW, MAN Dale: DID YOU JUST SAY "GO, MOM"?
WAIT.
I CAN RIDE HOME WITH YOU.
WE COULD SIT IN THE BACK AND HOLD HANDS.
MAYBE NEXT TIME.
MY MOM'S GOT THIS NEW MOISTURIZER I'VE BEEN SNEAKING.
VERY SMOOTH MY HANDS ARE STILL PRUNY.
IT WOULDN'T BE FAIR TO YOU.
WHAT? YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD THEM WE'RE DATING.
IT'S NOT YOU, BOBBY.
IT'S JUST MY DAD HAS HIS HEART SE ON ME GOING OUT WITH CHANE WASSANASONG.
WHO WASNASONG? CHANE.
HE'S LAOTIAN.
BUT DOES HE MAKE YOU LAUGH? YOU ARE GETTING SLEEPY SLEEPY.
YOU WILL TELL YOUR PARENTS ABOUT US AND YOU WILL QUIT SMOKING.
( horn honking ) ( laughs ) I'LL TELL THEM.
I PROMISE.
SON, WHY IS THERE A TOWEL ON YOUR HEAD? YOU, SIR, ARE GETTING SLEEPY.
FROM NOW ON, YOU WILL BUY ONLY BRAND-NAME COLA.
( sighs ) JUST GO CHANGE.
HEY, BOOMHAUER! PEGGY WON'T LET ME IN HER CAR.
CAN I GO HOME WITH YOU? NO WAY, MAN.
YOU KNOW, DANG OL' LAST-HOUR RAYS, MAN.
YOU KNOW, NEVER DOES, NO SUN ON THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON, MAN.
NO, GO HOME, WITH GRIBBLE.
OKAY.
CALL ME LATER IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH FUN WE HAD TODAY.
( shrieks ) ( shrieks ) ( sighs ) ( shrieks ) ( shrieks ) BOBBY, HAVE YOU SEEN LUANNE? NO, SHE'S MY COUSIN.
I'M GONNA RIDE HOME WITH JOSEPH.
OH, MAN.
WHAT DID SHE LOOK LIKE? COME ON, COME ON.
I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.
SHE'S GOT BIG BOOBS, DOESN'T SHE? YES! I KNEW IT! LUANNE IS PRACTICALLY MY SISTER.
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE HER IN THAT STATE OF AFFAIRS.
I JUST GOT TO GET THAT PICTURE OUT OF MY HEAD.
PUT IT IN MY HEAD.
TELL ME EVERYTHING.
WAS SHE WEARING HIGH HEELS? SHE WASN'T WEARING ANYTHING! OH, MAN.
I'M GOING TO PICTURE HER IN HIGH HEELS.
OH.
( dog barking ) ( car alarm blaring ) ( muttering gibberish ) I GOT A DANG OL' HUH? UH-OH.
HEY, BOBBY, UH I THOUGHT WE COULD WALK TO SCHOOL TOGETHER TODAY.
WE WALK TO SCHOOL TOGETHER EVERY DAY AND WE DON'T LEAVE FOR ANOTHER 20 MINUTES.
I CAN'T GO BACK HOME.
MY DAD ALREADY ARMED THE PERIMETER.
HEY, LUANNE HI.
( sighs ) ( laughing, gasps ) YEAH.
YO, MA'AM.
WHAT YOU LOOKING AT, MAN? DESERT KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS.
HEY.
UP.
OH.
EH, WHAT YOU DOIN', MAN? I'M TALKIN' IN A BAD WAY, MAN.
AIN'T GOT NO FLIP-FLOPS.
WALK ACROSS THE STREET LIKE A DANG OL' HOT COALS, MAN.
DOGS BARKING LIKE A DEAD CHICKEN RUNNING AROUND WITH HIS HEAD CUT OFF, MAN.
HEAD CUT OFF.
OOH.
SO I'M WALKING TO MY TRUCK AND BAM, RIGHT INTO A SPIDER WEB.
( chuckles ) I SNEEZED FOR A HALF AN HOUR.
MY CLASS WAS CANCELED AND THE LIBRARY WAS CLOSED.
( giggles ) I LOVE COLLEGE.
HEY, BOBBY-- I THOUGHT I'D COME OVER AND HELP YOU WITH YOUR MATH HOMEWORK.
WE'RE KIND OF IN THE MIDDLE OF DINNER RIGHT NOW.
I'LL WAIT.
HEY, LUANNE.
YEAH, HI.
PATIENT EXHIBITING CLASSIC SIGNS OF SCHIZOPHRENIA.
I WAKE UP SUNBURN WHERE I AM VERBAL SALAD, DISREGARD FOR PERSONAL HYGIENE POSSIBLY A THREAT TO HIMSELF.
AND GO HOME, MAN, WHAT DO YOU SAY? RECOMMENDATION: 72-HOUR INVOLUNTARY COMMITMENT.
OH, DANG.
OKAY, BOOMHAUER, YOU WIN.
I PROMISE NOT TO TELL HANK.
WHAT? YOU'RE WHERE? THE BOOBY HATCH? WAIT-- THE GENTLEMAN'S CLUB OR THE MENTAL HOSPITAL? OH, MY GOD! THERE MUST HAVE BEEN SOME KIND OF MISUNDERSTANDING.
OH, THERE WAS? I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
( kissing ) OH, COME ON.
WHERE YOU GOING? I'M NOT LEAVING WITHOUT MY KISS.
I CAN WAIT.
I CAN DESTROY YOU.
MRS.
JOHNSON'S BAG HAS SIX PUPPIES AND MR.
PETERSON'S BAG HAS MINUS FOUR PUPPIES.
Luanne: GOOD NIGHT, UNCLE HANK, AUNT PEGGY.
SHE'S GOING TO BED.
MAYBE I COULD SEE HER NAKED WHEN SHE'S CHANGING.
I WISH YOU COULD GET THAT EXCITED ABOUT MY MATH HOMEWORK.
GOING TO BED, LUANNE? NOPE.
FIRST I GOT TO SHOWER.
( gasps ) JOSEPH, MY PARENTS ARE RIGHT DOWN THE HALL.
WHY DON'T YOUR DOORS HAVE KEYHOLES? YOU'RE STARTING TO CREEP ME OUT.
NOW, GO HOME.
( gasps ) BOBBY, IT'S PERFECTLY NATURAL TO WANT TO SEE A WOMAN NAKED BUT I AM YOUR COUSIN.
NOW, THE FIRST TIME WAS AN ACCIDEN BUT IF I CATCH YOU AGAIN, YOU ARE GOING TO HELL.
ARE YOU CRAZY? WE'RE GOING TO GET CAUGHT.
I COULD GO TO HELL.
I CAN'T HELP MYSELF.
I GOT A MONKEY ON MY BACK, AND IT WANTS TO SEE LUANNE NAKED.
OKAY, ONE QUICK LOOK AND THEN YOU GO HOME.
AH, I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING.
IT'S ALL FOGGED UP.
TOO BAD.
SHE LIKES HOT SHOWERS.
DOES SHE? GIVE ME THOSE.
( shrieks ) JOSEPH? UH-OH.
BOBBY? BOBBY! HEY, CONNIE.
HOW DARE YOU, BOBBY.
PEEPING AT ME IS BAD ENOUGH BUT BRINGING YOUR FRIEND OVER TO SCOPE ME OUT, TOO? CONNIE, PLEASE, YOU DON'T THIS WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR? IS THIS WHAT YOU CAME TO SEE? WELL, TAKE A GOOD LOOK, YOU PERVS.
YOU DISGUST ME.
HONEST, CONNIE, WE WEREN'T LOOKING AT YOU.
WE WERE LOOKING AT BIRDS.
BIRDS? JOSEPH AND I WERE LOOKING AT BIRDS.
WE WERE BIRD-WATCHING.
AT NIGHT? YOU KNOW A BETTER TIME TO SEE AN OWL? OR A BAT.
A-A BAT? YOU'RE NOT ONLY A PERVERT.
YOU'RE A LIAR.
I'M A LIAR? HAVE YOU TOLD YOUR PARENTS WE'RE DATING LIKE YOU SAID YOU WOULD? NO AND MAYBE NOW I DON'T HAVE TO.
MAYBE YOU DON'T.
MAYBE I DON'T.
OOPS.
HEY, LOOK.
( owl hoots ) OKAY, SMOKING BREAK'S OVER.
LAST ONE INSIDE LOSES INTERNET PRIVILEGES.
HEY.
YOU.
CRAZY GUY.
I'LL GIVE YOU A SMOKE IF YOU TRADE CLOTHES WITH ME.
BOOMHAUER? OH, MAN, OL' DANG ABOUT TIME, GRIBBLE, MAN.
GO HIT THE ROAD, MAN.
INFILTRATION OF MENTAL HOSPITAL COMPLETE.
PROCEED TO PHASE TWO: EX-FILTRATION OF MENTAL HOSPITAL.
APPARENTLY THIS DOOR HAS SOME SORT OF ANTI-OPENING DEVICE.
I DON'T REMEMBER MY LOCKER COMBINATION.
CONNIE KEEPS TRACK OF THAT KIND OF STUFF AND SHE'S STILL ICING ME OUT-- TRYING TO GET ME TO CRACK.
YOU CAN'T TELL HER THE TRUTH.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY? YOU LET ME COP A LOOK AT YOUR NAKED COUSIN? HEY, CONNIE.
BOBBY.
COME ON, BABY, DON'T BE THAT WAY.
WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER TONIGHT? I GOT A NEW LASER POINTER.
SORRY, BOBBY.
I HAVE PLANS.
NO, WAIT.
I'M NOT SORRY.
WHICH IS WHY SO MANY PEOPLE ARE SUDDENLY ALLERGIC TO PEANUTS.
THE PEANUTS ARE EMITTING TOXINS AS AN EVOLUTIONARY DEFENSE MECHANISM.
THEY'RE TIRED OF BEING EATEN AND NOW THEY'RE FIGHTING BACK.
I SEE.
ANYHOO I JUST STOPPED BY TO PICK UP MY BUDDY BOOMHAUER.
YOU SEE, WE'RE BOTH IN HERE BY MISTAKE.
NOW, I CAN'T VOUCH FOR BOOMHAUER BUT I AM MOST DEFINITELY NOT CRAZY.
GO ON.
DID YOU JUST SAY "GO, MOM"? NOW WHO'S THE CRAZY ONE? UH-HUH UH-HUH DID YOU TRY TELLING THEM YOU'RE NOT CRAZY? UH-HUH.
NO, I DON'T SEE ANY REASON WHY HANK HAS TO KNOW.
MM-MMM.
CAN I TELL BOOMHAUER? NO.
OKAY.
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
( laughing ) ( horn honking ) CONNIE SOUPHANOUSINPHONE MEET CHANE WASSANASONG.
( gasps ) YOU ARE MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN YOUR PICTURE LED ME TO BELIEVE.
WHAT PICTURE? I SEND HIM PICTURE-- SO WHAT? GO HAVE GREAT TIME.
CHANE, MAYBE WE CAN SI IN THE BACKSEA AND HOLD HANDS? ( whimpering ) NOW, I KNOW THIS IS GOING TO SOUND CRAZY-- PARDON ME, "INSANE"-- BUT TWO OF MY BEST FRIENDS HAVE BEEN ACCIDENTALLY COMMITTED TO THIS NUTHOUSE.
I'LL GET THE DOCTOR ON CALL, JUST DON'T LET ANYONE TOUCH MY SCISSORS.
OH, MAN, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
TALKIN' ABOUT THAT OLD CRAZY ROOMMATE TRYIN' TO GET ME TO OLD SWALLOW MY DANG OLD TONGUE.
HOLD THAT THOUGHT-- I THINK I HEAR BILL.
IT'S JUST THAT IN THE ALLEY, NO ONE CARES WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.
BUT HERE I FEEL HEARD AND ACCEPTED AND DARE I SAY LOVED? PING-PONG? YO.
HAVE A NICE TIME? BOBBY? DID HE WIN THAT FOR YOU AT THE CARNIVAL? NO.
UM, CHANE COLLECTS THEM, BUT, UH, OTHERWISE HE'S THE MAN OF MY DREAMS AND I'M GOING TO MARRY HIM.
YOU CAN'T.
WHY NOT? OH, ALL RIGHT WE WEREN'T BIRD-WATCHING-- WE WERE PEEPING.
NOW, CALL OFF THE WEDDING! WELL, THANK YOU FOR FINALLY TELLING THE TRUTH.
YEAH, BUT WE WEREN'T PEEPING AT YOU.
I ACCIDENTALLY SAW LUANNE NAKED AT THE RIVER, AND I TOLD JOSEPH.
AND HE GOT JEALOUS 'CAUSE HE'S IN LOVE WITH HER SO THEN HE WANTED TO SEE HER NAKED AND I SAID OKAY, BUT JUST FOR A LITTLE AND THEN YOU CAUGHT US.
SO YOU WEREN'T PEEPING AT ME? YOU GOT TO BELIEVE ME, CONNIE-- I WOULD NEVER PEEP AT YOU.
NEVER, EVER.
I GUESS I SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED.
I MEAN, WHO WOULD WANT TO LOOK AT ME WHEN THEY COULD LOOK AT HER? I WOULD! NOT THROUGH A WINDOW OR ANYTHING BUT IN THE SAME ROOM TOGETHER.
I MEAN, YOU ARE MY GIRLFRIEND AREN'T YOU? YES.
WELL, THAT'S WHA BOYFRIENDS AND GIRLFRIENDS DO-- THEY TAKE OFF THEIR CLOTHES AND THEN THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER NAKED.
I GUESS.
SURE THEY DO! I MEAN, DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE ME NAKED? OKAY.
OH, REALLY? HMM WELL, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO NO, IT'S T-TELL YOU WHAT-- MAYBE WE COULD JUST START WITH OUR SHIRTS, YOU KNOW? WHAT'S THE RUSH? WE GOT OUR WHOLE LIVES AHEAD OF US.
OKAY.
YOU FIRST.
( sighing ) OKAY YOU'VE GOT A PRETTY BODY.
THANK YOU.
HERE GOES SO, HOW WAS DATE WITH CHANE? ( gasps ) KAHN, WHAT'S GOING NO! Kahn: OH, MY.
REPEAT AFTER ME: BOBBY HILL IS NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND.
CHANE WASSANASONG IS YOUR BOYFRIEND.
NO, HE'S NOT.
CHANE WASSANASONG IS YOUR BOYFRIEND.
MOM, WE HAD ONE DATE.
I DON'T EVEN LIKE CHANE WASSANASONG! CHANE WASSANASONG IS A BORING KNOW-IT-ALL WHO ONLY TALKS ABOUT HIMSELF AND CHEATS AT MINIATURE GOLF.
I DON'T WANT TO DATE HIM.
I WANT TO DATE BOBBY.
HA-HA! YOU THINK THAT BOY HAVE FUTURE?! THAT NOT BABY FAT-- THAT PERMANENT.
KAHN JR.
, YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE.
YOU ARE GROUNDED! AND BOBBY HILL IS NOT ALLOWED ON MY PROPERTY.
Joseph: FIRST YOU COP A LOOK A LUANNE THEN YOU SEE CONNIE NAKED? MAN, WHEN DID YOU BECOME SUCH A PLAYER? I DIDN'T SEE CONNIE NAKED.
I ONLY SAW HER BELLY BUTTON.
HOW WAS IT? INCREDIBLE! BUT I'LL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN.
CONNIE'S GROUNDED, AND WHEN MY DAD HEARS ABOUT THIS HE'S GOING TO GROUND ME, TOO.
YOU'LL BE STUCK IN THE HOUSE ALL DAY WITH LUANNE? MMM-MMM-MMM.
WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.
THE SMOKING BREAKS ARE TOO SHOR THE FOOD IS GOOD, AT BES AND THE ANTIDEPRESSANTS ARE MAKING MY MOUTH DRY AND HAPPY.
CAN I GET SOME GLITTER, PLEASE? WHY DON'T WE JUST CALL HANK? NO! HANK MUST NEVER KNOW WE WERE IN HERE.
OUR SOCIETY STIGMATIZES THE MENTALLY ILL AND RIGHTLY SO.
THESE PEOPLE ARE NUTS! IF WE'RE EVER GOING TO BUST OUT OF HERE WE'LL NEED OUR WITS ABOUT US SO FROM NOW ON, NO MORE TAKING PILLS.
WE'RE GOING TO SAVE THEM UP AND THEN SELL THEM TO THE GUARDS.
AND WITH THAT MONEY, WE'LL BUY A ROPE.
DALE, MAN STUPID PLAN, NEVER GONNA WORK.
OH, REALLY? YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA? YEAH, MAN, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, MAN-- 'BOUT EVERY DAY AROUND 2:15, MAN, THAT OLD LAUNDRY TRUCK COMING ON THEM COFFEE BREAK, MAN, ALL WE DO NOTHING TO IT.
HA-HA! THAT IS THE WORST PLAN I HAVE EVER HEARD.
BUT THIS IS A DEMOCRACY SO WE'LL PUT IT TO A VOTE.
ALL IN FAVOR OF BOOMHAUER'S PLAN I MUST ADMIT, I'M SURPRISED BY THE RESULTS.
I FIGURED I HAD AT LEAST MY SUPPORT.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? ( sighing ) HEY, KAHN, I THOUGHT I HEARD SOMEONE MIXING CONCRETE.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M BUILDING FENCE-- BIG FENCE, EIGHT FEET TALL-- BETWEEN YOUR HOUSE AND MY HOUSE.
EIGHT FEET, HUH? YEAH YOU SEE, KAHN, IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD SIDE FENCES HAVE TO BE FIVE FOOT SIX OR UNDER.
IT'S NOT IN THE CODE OR ANYTHING-- IT'S JUST SOMETHING I'M TRYING TO ENFORCE.
YOU REALLY WANT TO HELP ME, HANK HILL? KEEP YOUR DIRTY LITTLE BOY'S HANDS OFF MY INNOCENT GENIUS DAUGHTER.
NOW, WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? LAST NIGHT, I CATCH BOBBY HALF-NAKED IN CONNIE'S ROOM.
BOBBY? TRUTH ABOUT YOUR LITTLE BOY NOT SO PRETTY AFTER ALL, IS IT, HANK HILL? HE GIRL-CRAZY SEX FIEND.
WELL, THAT BOY'S GOING TO GET A TALKING TO, I TELL YOU WHAT.
( chuckling ) ( sighing ) RON.
( alarm blaring ) OKAY, MAN MOVE, MOVE! ( all yelling ) HOW DID THEY FIND OUT ABOUT THIS? UH, I MIGHT HAVE MENTIONED SOMETHING IN GROUP.
( all yelling ) DANG OL' ( groaning ) FIRST ONE TO REGAIN CONSCIOUSNESS CALLS HANK.
ALL RIGHT, I JUST SPOKE WITH YOUR DOCTOR.
BOOMHAUER, YOU WERE KEPT FOR THE MANDATORY 72 HOURS AND SINCE YOU DON'T SEEM TO BE A THREA TO YOURSELF OR OTHERS, YOU'RE FREE TO GO.
ALL RIGHT! ( mumbling ) HANK, MAN.
UH, DALE, YOU WERE ACTUALLY NEVER ADMITTED SO YOU'RE ALSO FREE TO GO, BUT, UH, THE DOCTOR THINKS YOU SHOULD KEEP ON TAKING YOUR MEDICATION.
( grunting ) EASIER TO SWALLOW.
AND BILL, THE DOCTOR SAYS THAT SINCE YOU CHECKED YOURSELF IN VOLUNTARILY YOU CAN LEAVE WHENEVER YOU WANT.
YEAH, I KNOW.
BUT I THINK I'LL STAY A FEW MORE DAYS.
I'M MAKING SOME REAL PROGRESS HERE.
BILL, JUST GET IN THE TRUCK.
NO! I LEARNED IN GROUP THAT I SACRIFICE MY FEELINGS TOO EASILY.
MY FEELINGS ARE VALID, HANK.
I'M VALID.
OH-- I MADE THIS FOR YOU.
YOU WILL CALL CHANE WASSANASONG AND APOLOGIZE FOR NOT CALLING SOONER.
HERE.
I WROTE OUT LAOTIAN CHITCHAT FOR YOU.
MAKE SURE YOU USE HONORIFIC VERB FORM.
( laughing ) OH, YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY? NOT MANY LAOTIAN BOYS IN ARLEN.
DON'T PISS THIS AWAY.
( gasps ) HEE-HEE-HEE GO AHEAD-- TRY TO SNEAK INTO MY DAUGHTER'S ROOM NOW STUPID REDNECK.
BOBBY BOBBY! CONNIE! COME DOWN HERE! I MISS YOU.
I CAN'T MOVE OR I'LL SET OFF MY DAD'S SECURITY LIGHT.
DON'T MOVE! ( gasping ) DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I WAS JUST GETTING THE GUYS OUT OF THE INSANE ASYLUM.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? ( groaning ) THE, UH, TEN-FOOTER OUGHT TO DO IT.
THE MIDDLE ONE.
HURRY, BOBBY! AH! ( speaking Laotian ) I KNOW A COUPLE OF THOSE WORDS.
I BETTER GO.
BYE.
I SEE YOU.
KAHN SEE EVERYTHING! YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT TOO BIG TO BE SPANKED YOU DIRTY LITTLE HILLBILLY.
( screaming ) AUNT PEGGY! MR.
KAHN SAW ME NAKED! AW, MAN Dale: DID YOU JUST SAY "GO, MOM"?